


it’s only love, it’s only pain, it’s only fear that runs through my veins

by endofdaysforme



Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: F/F, PRAY FOR HER, but my girl is confused and comp het exists, cheryl is very much a lesbian so don't even play that card, i know you see the cheryl and archie tag it's not what you think, this fic is gonna be a fucking rollercoaster holy shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-19
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2020-01-16 05:22:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 247,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18514750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/endofdaysforme/pseuds/endofdaysforme
Summary: “uh…i…wait, josie, i c-can’t-.”“you’re going, cheryl. no ifs, no buts. trust me, okay? this girl is magic, she’ll get you out of your ‘funk’ in no time.” before cheryl can utter another word, josie shoves her phone back into her purse and drinks the last of her coffee before she stands with a deep clear of her throat.“alright, i gotta go before i’m late, but seriously…call them, cheryl. book an appointment. just one! if you don’t like it, i won’t bother you about it again, but…i think it’ll be good for you. i hate seeing you down like this, and that girl helped save my damn life. maybe she can help save yours, too.”--aka cheryl blossom's life has been spiraling for a countless number of years and she's on the brink of losing her mind when her best friend josie mccoy tells her to see her shrink. cue antoinette topaz, a bizarre and way too observant therapist that cheryl can't help but be nervous around.--aka i read a different fic for a different fandom and was heavily inspired by it, please read the note in the beginning! other than that, enjoy!I changed the title cause I’m indecisive, heh, sorry for any confusion!





	1. art is subjective

**Author's Note:**

> okay FIRST THING'S FIRST: this fic is HEAVILY inspired by the fic "Room 47" by author Little-Normandy on fanfiction.net, the link is gonna be right >>> https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8708340/1/Room-47.
> 
> who would've thought a brittana fic would inspire me, eh?! 
> 
> it's obviously not going to be a carbon copy because i'm not about that life. every single word of this fic is gonna be my own version, and the storyline is gonna be way different, but there's gonna be some small things that i might borrow, which is why regardless i'm giving that author credit for this fic. they deserve it because their fic is amazing and if you're a brittana/glee fan, i think you'll love it, so check it out!
> 
> that being said, here's a highly altered choni version of it, because the idea of toni being cheryl's therapist blew my goddamn mind away and I HAD TO WRITE IT. as soon as the idea struck, i knew i had to do it. 
> 
> onto the other thing: you've obviously seen the chery/archie tag on this in relationships, so let me clarify: no, she's not being forced into this relationship by her parents or anything like that. cheryl is deep, deep, deep in the closet, my friends, so this fic is gonna be a fucking emotional journey for not only our favorite red head, but our favorite pink haired lady too. it's gonna have ups and downs, and you're gonna feel conflicted a majority of the time. there's a high possibility that cheating will be involved in this fic, so if that's something that triggers you, please don't read it. your health comes first as always. 
> 
> whew, that's enough out of me. here's chapter one, it's pretty long, but it's introductory, so that's a given. further chapters may or may not be this long as well, i'm not too sure yet, i've only got the next chapter written out, so...
> 
>  
> 
> as for an update schedule: probably once a week? twice if i can manage it! life be busy sometimes.
> 
> as always, comments are greatly appreciated, or you can message or talk to me on twitter at @endofdaysforme!
> 
> fic title from “Human” by Civil Twilight

_ten minutes and forty three seconds, ten minutes and forty two seconds, ten minutes and forty one seconds…_

 

the second hand on the clock hanging precariously on her office wall continues to tick torturously slow, and cheryl blossom finds herself sinking back into her chair with a deep and heavy sigh, her brow furrowed and her eyes moving from the snail pace movement of the clock to the computer in front of her.

 

it’s been hours of a hundred different emails, monotonous and tedious, half of them that barely even required a response or a second of her day, and god, she’s so fucking _bored-_

 

she rubs her temples five times, wills away the headache building behind her eyes and quickly grips the mouse before her, clicking to open up the email that’s just come through with a deep sigh before she reaches for the pack of tylenol in the first drawer. she pops out two from the capsule, stares down at the way these white little tablets seem to meld in with the pale skin of her palm before she pops them into her mouth and grabs the bottle of water in the corner of her desk to down them with. 

 

because cheryl blossom, no matter how boring she finds this job, refuses to die from dry swallowing tablets. jesus christ, the embarrassment alone would be enough to bring her back from the dead-

 

her phone buzzes to the left of her, and she glances down at it just once, a shaky, but somewhat stable smile instantly lighting up her face at the name on the notifications bar.

 

**archie andrews [16:49]**  
_i finished early today, i was gonna cook for us…realized i have the cooking skills of a five year old. how does chinese sound, honey?_

 

she finds herself rolling her eyes, somewhat affectionately, before she taps out a quick reply reminding him that she’s having dinner with josie after work and not to worry about her. 

 

her fiancé, with the mind of a goldfish. yes, he can be a little idiotic at times, but he’s her safe haven, her place of comfort and security. he’s all she’s known for almost eight years now, despite his horrible memory, there’s no one else in the world she’d trade him for.

 

cheryl blossom and archie andrews are the typical high school sweethearts couple. they began dating in senior year and since then, they’ve been inseparable. archie was cheryl’s first kiss, her first lover, and is without a doubt, her best friend.

 

and yes, they’ve had several ups and downs, especially during their years in college when cheryl had found herself wanting to break free of a serious relationship to just…explore herself a little more, but they always found their way back to each other.

 

archie is perfect. archie is great. archie is…

 

cheryl glances up at the clock on the wall once more anxiously before she lets out a sigh of frustration and glances down at her phone just as it buzzes once more to life with another message from her fiancé.

 

**archie andrews [16:51]**  
_oh, right, i forgot…that’s okay, peanut butter and jelly sandwich for dinner, here i come!_

 

a child. a complete and utter fucking child-

 

she’s smiling regardless, rolling her eyes with a chuckle before she settles back down into her chair with another deep and almost mournful sigh. 

 

archie is perfect. he is. it’s at a point now where all of her friends, including josie, have gotten into the habit of telling her how goddamn lucky she is, that men like archie are a rare breed, especially in new york, and that she should hold onto him with everything she has, and she does…of course she does, because archie is perfect, perfect for _her-_

 

her phone buzzes in her hand once more with another message, this time from josie herself, and cheryl finds herself scrambling to unlock it, thumb pushing down a little too harshly on the home button.

 

**josie mccoy [16:52]**  
_hey girl! i think i gotta cancel dinner, some record label wants me in for recordings and i can’t pass the opportunity up! i’m sorry!_

 

cheryl finds herself groaning, the pit in her stomach expanding as she licks her lips and tries her best to blink back her tears, but the message before her swims in and out of vision regardless.

 

god, she’s been looking forward to this dinner with josie for almost a week now. it’s been the only thing keeping her going, the only thing making her smile in this otherwise boring routine of work, home, work, home, work, home…

 

god, she should be excited. she should be running around like a fucking chicken without a head, rushing to get things done and squealing every chance she gets about the fact that she’s marrying archie andrews in less than four months, but somehow…

 

something feels so goddamn off. and cheryl knows it’s not archie, because god, he’s literally _perfect._ a mix of goofy and funny and caring and passionate, he’s amazing in every fucking sense of the word, he’s a goddamn rarity amongst men, respectful and kind and so attentive with a good job that provides him well and the possibility of an entire company in his future, and yet still…

 

something’s missing. and cheryl _hates_ herself for being so fucking miserable. she can’t understand it, she has everything she could ever want. a good job at her father’s company, albeit a boring one, a steady income, a beautiful apartment with the love of her life, good looks at the age of twenty five and still, she’s complaining. and the thing is, she doesn’t even know _what_ she’s complaining about.

 

she doesn’t know why she’s upset, or mad, or miserable, or depressed. she just can’t put her fucking finger on it. but all the signs are there, considering she’s hanging on by a thread and the simple act of having dinner with her best friend excites her beyond anything she’s felt in the last like two years. she knows she’s suffering, but she doesn’t understand _why._

 

why is she so goddamn blind to whatever is causing her so much misery?

 

she finds herself sniffing back her tears before she quickly types out a reply to josie asking if she’d prefer to get coffee now instead. anything, just anything, she’ll even take just half an hour with her best friend-

 

**josie mccoy [16:55]**  
_oh! yeah, okay! meet at the cafe around the corner of my place?_

 

she bites back a moan of relief and replies with confirmation before she’s jumping up out of her seat and gathering her things together.

 

she knows she’s probably gonna get in trouble for leaving five minutes earlier, but it’s not like her father is going to fucking fire her, so he’ll just have to deal.

 

she throws her bag over her shoulder, grabs her keys from the drawer and shuts the computer down before she’s practically racing out of the office before anyone can think to stop her. she’s making her way to the elevators, past the bullpens and the curious sets of eyes that watch her leave in surprise before she’s slamming her finger against the down button repeatedly and jumping inside as soon as the doors open. 

 

thankfully, they close without interruption and make a one way trip down to the private parking lot beneath the building, and cheryl feels her phone buzz in her hand, prompting her to glance down to see a text message from the last person she wants to hear from.

 

**mother [16:59]**  
_i have a bridesmaids’ dress fitting booked for the nineteenth of next month, cheryl. i expect an answer on how many you’ll be having by then._

 

“i love you, too.” cheryl mutters under her breath, ignoring the message for now as the elevator doors open to expose the parking lot before her. her heels clack against the asphalt as she makes her way towards her car, the headache behind her eyes beginning to fade as the tylenol kicks in, but she has a feeling it won’t last long with the way that message from her mother on her phone is almost burning a hole in her fucking pocket.

 

of course, clifford and penelope blossom had been over the moon when archie andrews had proposed three years ago. it hadn’t been romantic, but it had certainly been spontaneous. archie had simply taken her hand after a date at the movies and had knelt down on one knee, pulling the box out of his pocket with a smile and words about how he had an entire thing planned, but he just couldn’t wait any longer.

 

cheryl had sputtered out a ‘yes’ before she could even really think about the repercussions, and when archie had scooped her up into her arms with this cheerful and playful laugh and tears in his eyes, cheryl had found herself crying for different reasons as she simply hugged and kissed him back while the small crowd around them clapped and cheered for them. 

 

her mother had almost wet herself with joy, and she and her father had both enveloped archie and cheryl into a warm hug that cheryl honestly can still feel to this day, because it’s the only sign of true affection she’s ever really gotten from them. 

 

then her father had said something about it being the proudest moment of his life.

 

cheryl had almost felt like bringing up her college degree in business that was hanging on the goddamn wall next to the fireplace, proudly on display, but had kept her mouth shut instead.

 

so yes, it’s no secret that clifford and penelope _love_ archie, from the bright red hair atop his head right down to his toes, and it’s no secret either that her twin brother, jason, loves archie just as much as well. the two were practically brothers, and have been since high school when they played on the football team together, cheryl the head cheerleader to her two boys with pride for all those years…

 

but high school was so long ago now, eight years and counting, and cheryl feels like nothing’s fucking changed, but at the same time _everything_ has changed. college had changed a lot for her, and ever since then, she hasn’t been able to shake this feeling that something just isn’t right. but she’s still with archie, her parents and her brother still kiss the ground that boy walks on, and she’s just…an afterthought in their lives, struggling with these thoughts in her head, unable to voice them because if she ever even dared speak about the idea of possibly postponing the wedding, she’d probably be disowned.

 

and it’s not archie’s fault at all, she knows that, but it just feels like sometimes her parents and her brother only care about her because of him. that their love for archie far outweighs their love for her, and it’s such a miserable and lonely thought, but it’s one that haunts her every single waking moment of her life, especially when she rises in the morning with archie’s arm draped over her stomach and his face pressed into her neck…

 

it’s not his fault. and maybe it’s not even her family’s fault…maybe there’s just something wrong with _her._

 

cheryl scratches at her brow absentmindedly as she looks down at her phone once more before she starts the car and begins the drive to the café next to josie’s place, trying her best to will these thoughts out of her mind as she does.

 

_it’s fine…everything’s fine, the wedding is in four months, just hang on until then, cheryl…you’ve gotta make everyone happy, just keep pushing forward..._

 

\---------

 

“so…you wanna tell me what’s going on?”

 

cheryl hums quietly into her coffee cup before she looks up into the bright brown eyes of josie mccoy, her best friend for almost seven years now. they met in college a few weeks into their first year when cheryl had decided to take advantage of the arts building during a free period to do what she loved doing: drawing and painting. a few weeks in of blissful silence, however, had been interrupted when josie had come walking in to the room where cheryl was looking for somewhere quiet to practice her singing, and they’ve been best friends since. cheryl finds herself hiding a smile at the memory of how josie used to sing while she painted and danced on the spot, the both of them talking and laughing…god, everything had been so much _simpler_ back then…

 

“nothing. i guess i’m just tired, josie…” cheryl murmurs, taking a sip of her coffee and watching as josie frowns before she sets down her own cup and shakes her head once, causing her brown curls to bob and weave almost majestically with the movement.

 

“i’ve seen you when you’re tired, girl. you get cranky and snappy. right now you just look…defeated. what’s on your mind?” josie asks with worry lacing every inch of her tone. cheryl finds herself smiling sadly as josie reaches out to take her hand on top of the table, giving it a gentle squeeze once she does.

 

sometimes it feels like josie’s the only person who seems to really care about her. she knows her parents definitely don’t, years of them being nothing more than civil with her have proven that, and the fact that the goddamn job she has is answering emails while jason was given the keys to the goddamn kingdom. and speaking of her twin brother, she knows without a shadow of a doubt that he loves her, she knows he does, and archie…god, of course archie cares too, but josie always takes the time to ask her how she’s doing, takes the time to listen and give her advice whereas all she receives from the two men are sympathetic smiles.

 

an almost “damn, that sucks” quality to their empathy that always leaves her seething in anger over saying anything to them in the first place. 

 

“i…i don’t know, josie. i just…i feel like maybe everything’s moving so fast. like my life keeps moving forward but my head and my heart are still stuck somewhere in the past and i don’t know how to get it to stop. it’s just…depressing.” cheryl mumbles, feeling somewhat lame for the explanation, and josie frowns before she leans back into her seat with a sigh.

 

“i don’t wanna be cliché and say you have nothing to be depressed about, but cheryl…you’re getting married in four months to the man of your dreams! you and archie have been together for so long, what’s suddenly making you think that everything’s moving too fast?!” she exclaims, a slight scoff escaping her that has cheryl feeling even more guilty as she bows her head with a simple nod.

 

“i don’t know…” she manages to get out, blinking back her tears as she plays with the engagement ring on her finger. it’s nothing too shiny or fancy, but it’s still a diamond ring, something that archie had apparently been spending _years_ saving for because he knew he wanted to marry cheryl from the second they had broken up during her second year of college…he had told her he couldn’t live without her.

 

cheryl finds herself pondering what life would be like without archie andrews, and her heart aches at the mere thought, but it’s not as painful as she thought it would be-

 

josie sighs again suddenly before she reaches out and grabs cheryl’s shoulder, giving it a sympathetic squeeze, the contact making cheryl jump slightly despite herself.

 

“come on, cheryl…talk to me.” josie probes, causing cheryl to simply shake her head, because she doesn’t even know what to say. she just… _doesn’t know._

 

she doesn’t know why she feels like this, she can’t explain it, it’s not something that can just so easily be described, it just feels like it’s something that’s a part of her now. the boring nine to five job, the loveable yet idiotic fiancé, the parents who push her to be perfect, it’s all something she’s so used to, but god, so damn tired of as well…it’s like this depression has been stagnant inside her for the last few years, but she’s _used_ to it now…

 

“i don’t know what to say, josie. i can’t explain what i don’t know.” cheryl says simply, swallowing the lump in her throat down and simply running her fingers over the rim of her coffee cup. she can feel josie’s eyes on her, the girl observing her for a _very_ long moment before she suddenly leans forward just a little closer. 

 

“have you thought about seeing a doctor?” josie asks firmly. cheryl’s head snaps up at that, a white hot anger flooding her as she grits her teeth and glares at josie angrily before she shakes her grasp off her shoulder.

 

“my parents already think i’m unstable and disappointing as it is, josie, i’m not about to go see a therapist just so they can rub it in my face even more! they’ll think i’m weak and pathetic, more than they already think i am weak and pathetic!” she hisses out, her anger immediately fading when she sees how josie winces at her raised voice, guilt rearing its ugly head, but josie simply rolls her eyes and points a finger at her.

 

“see, _that’s_ cheryl blossom when she’s tired.” she says with a soft laugh. cheryl sinks back into her chair with a grumble and pulls her coffee cup up off the table to drain the rest of it, not even noticing the scalding heat of the liquid as it burns down her throat, suddenly finding herself wanting to get out of this as quickly as possible.

 

“it’s just a funk. i’ll get out of it, maybe it’s pre wedding jitters or something like that…” cheryl lies easily despite the fact that she’s been feeling this damn way for well over six years now, setting her coffee cup down and licking the excess foam off her top lip before she sees josie roll her eyes once again.

 

“maybe, but i’m just saying, there’s no harm in getting some help, cheryl. it doesn’t make you crazy or unstable, talking to someone professional. it makes you _smart._ i used to have the same attitude you did, but after dad died and i felt like everything was falling apart…i went and saw someone and they changed my whole life.” josie says softly, this look in her eyes that immediately knocks cheryl’s walls down, the guilt that hits her almost suffocating as josie reaches behind her for the purse hanging off her chair.

 

“this girl helped me out big time, cheryl. blew all the other therapists i saw right out of the water.” josie says simply, digging into her purse until she takes out her phone. cheryl cocks an eyebrow, and josie looks at her with a simple roll of her eyes before she unlocks her phone.

 

“you gotta shop around, especially with stuff like this. mental health is no joke, cheryl. here, i’ll text you the address, and i’ll message my therapist and let her know you’re coming.” josie says quickly, tapping away at her screen happily, and sure enough, not a minute later, cheryl’s phone buzzes on top of the table while she sits there and looks at josie in complete and utter shock.

 

“uh…i…wait, josie, i c-can’t-.”

 

“you’re going, cheryl. no ifs, no buts. trust me, okay? this girl is magic, she’ll get you out of your ‘funk’ in no time.” before cheryl can utter another word, josie shoves her phone back into her purse and drinks the last of her coffee before she stands with a deep clear of her throat. 

 

“alright, i gotta go before i’m late, but seriously…call them, cheryl. book an appointment. just one! if you don’t like it, i won’t bother you about it again, but…i think it’ll be good for you. i hate seeing you down like this, and that girl helped save my damn life. maybe she can help save yours, too.” josie says with a warm smile before she bends down to press a kiss to cheryl’s temple gently. cheryl finds herself sighing shakily at her touch, her eyes fluttering closed before she smiles tightly and glances down at her phone, unlocking it and opening the message josie just sent her, a simple address and phone number resting there in a blue bubble and white text.

 

“who is this girl?” cheryl asks with wonder, glancing up at josie as the dark skinned girl smiles, the look in her eyes unreadable before she lets out an almost dreamy sigh that as cheryl blinking up at her in shock.

 

“her name’s toni, make sure you ask for her! she takes some getting used to, i won’t lie, but she’s _amazing._ ” josie says these words as if they’re gospel, and for some dumb reason, cheryl finds herself nodding along before she realizes what she’s doing and lets out a deep sigh.

 

“josie…i don’t know, i just think therapy is-.”

 

“something taboo that’ll probably have your parents throwing a fit about how getting professional help for your deteriorating mental health is a sign of weakness, i know, but cheryl, seriously, _fuck_ your parents. you need to do what’s best for you, and what’s best for you is going to that therapy session. now book the appointment, or i’ll do it for you!” josie yells as she makes her way to the front door of the café before she’s spinning around and pointing an almost threatening finger at the red haired girl. cheryl chuckles to herself and simply raises a hand in goodbye as her best friend dashes out of the door, and as soon as josie is gone, she stares down at the text message with a frown, one that only grows and grows the longer she stares at the number for. 

 

she doesn’t need a therapist. she doesn’t…she’s _happy_ , she knows she is, somewhere deep, _deep_ down in her heart, she knows the life she has right now is a good one, but…

 

_ugh, fuck it, maybe josie’s right…just one appointment, and if i don’t like it, i won’t go back…_

 

she can already fucking feel her mother’s words of disdain at what she’s about to do, but she pushes it to the back of her mind as she taps the number and hits the call button above it quickly, praying that they answer before she has the chance to back out.

 

\------------

 

when cheryl gets home, archie isn’t there.

 

she frowns and calls out his name, and when she receives no reply, she simply shrugs and makes her way to the balcony of their apartment, her hands reaching inside her purse for the pack of cigarettes she keeps tucked away for emergency situations.

 

after the day she’s had, this definitely counts as an emergency situation…

 

she lights one with ease, thanks the gods that archie isn’t home because he’s never particularly liked the idea of her smoking before she settles down on the bench by the glass railing and runs her fingers through her bright red hair, her eyes settling down on the setting sun as the orange rays shine above the horizon, the white clouds embraced in colorful hues…

 

she feels like part of her should be messaging her fiancé and asking him where he is, but she just can’t seem to find it in her to care, which only worries her further.

 

_god, maybe something really is wrong with me…thank god i booked that appointment for tomorrow…_

 

this toni person was apparently in high demand, because she was completely booked out for the rest of the week with only a small half hour window tomorrow that the receptionist managed to sneak cheryl into. she has no idea what to expect at this session, she’s never seen a therapist before in her life…not even for the severe ocd she suffered as a child that her parents had been prompt in correcting.

 

of course, beating it out of her didn’t do a very good job, because there’s still days where cheryl finds herself clicking the lights five times before going to bed or knocking on the door five times before entering a room even if no one else is inside.

 

she takes a drag from her cigarette, watches the smoke billow from her mouth before she feels her phone buzz in her pocket.

 

**josie mccoy [19:13]**  
_toni said you booked an appointment for tomorrow! proud of you! she’s amazing, cheryl, she’ll look after you, i promise. she’s looking forward to meeting you!_

 

cheryl bites back a smile, but simply locks her phone and looks up at the setting sun over the city of new york before she finishes off her cigarette, tosses it over the side of the balcony and makes her way back inside.

 

she and archie had made the decision to move to new york almost four years ago, when archie’s father’s construction company had begun to take off and more business was being found in the big apple. cheryl hadn’t minded the move at all, new york is nothing compared to riverdale and she absolutely loves it here. 

 

but it just feels like a lot of things in her life have been dictated by other people. she got her degree in business because her father pushed her to, she moved to new york for archie, got a job at her father’s company headquarters in new york so they could afford the lavish apartment they have right now…but it’s not a big deal, she’s been making sacrifices since she was like, five, it’s nothing new to her. besides, archie loves working for his father, and cheryl loves making him happy.

 

something he definitely won’t be if he smells any smoke on her right now…

 

she quickly rushes to her dresser, grabs her perfume and sprays it over herself a few dozen times before she runs to the sink in the bathroom to wash her hands and brush her teeth to remove the evidence of her disgusting little habit. she’s barely settled on the couch before she hears the sound of keys on the other side of the door, her heart pounding in her chest, and she glances up just as archie walks through with two pizza boxes in his hands and a brown paper bag caught in his mouth as he fumbles with the keys in his free hand.

 

cheryl fights back a laugh at the sight and jumps up before making her way towards him, a grin instantly lighting up his face and causing the bag to drop down on top of the pizza boxes with a loud thunk.

 

“shit! hi, honey…” archie breathes, leaning in to press a kiss to her cheek quickly before he’s scurrying inside and kicking the door closed behind him. cheryl takes the pizza boxes from his hands and makes her way to the living room with them, setting them down on the coffee table and opening the first one to take a slice of cheese pizza as archie throws his keys onto the table beside the door and kicks his shoes off.

 

“how was dinner with josie?” archie asks, flopping down beside her before he’s laying sideways across her lap with a groan, his head coming to rest against her thigh. cheryl simply runs her fingers through his hair with a shrug as she folds the pizza in her hand in half.

 

“she had to go and record so we just had coffee instead.” she grumbles, taking a bite as archie leans away from her to grab a slice of his own with a grin.

 

“lucky i got two pizzas then!” 

 

“mmm, what happened to peanut butter and jelly sandwiches?” cheryl asks with an eyebrow raised in amusement. archie’s grin simply grows wider as he settles back down onto her lap.

 

“i had a long day at work, i needed a man’s meal.” he says, puffing out his chest and causing cheryl to roll her eyes as she takes another bite before reaching for the remote to click the tv on.

 

“how was work?” she asks nonchalantly. archie simply hums in response as he chews on his food, and cheryl finds herself cringing in disgust when he answers with his food still rolling around in his mouth.

 

like she said, a complete and utter child-

 

“yeah good! dad called, said he's got a big job lined up that he might need some help with, so i told him to just let me know if he needed me...it's a, uh...a job out of town.” archie says somewhat sheepishly, but cheryl barely notices.

 

“wow, sounds good.” she says with a smile. archie raises an eyebrow, but says nothing else on the subject.

 

“how was work for you?” archie asks, looking up at her with those puppy dog eyes as he takes another bite of his pizza, and cheryl simply shrugs and looks up at the tv, trying her best to suppress a deep sigh.

 

“same old, same old.” she grumbles. archie frowns, but thankfully, says nothing.

 

a few moments pass in silence after that, cheryl’s eyes on the tv not really taking anything in, battling the inner turmoil inside her before she finally decides to pluck the courage up and tell him.

 

“i booked an appointment to see a shrink tomorrow.” she says quietly. she feels archie stiffen, his body becoming tense as he simply rolls around the food in his mouth, and cheryl finds herself ploughing on, unable to stop now that she’s started talking.

 

“josie suggested it when i saw her. she says i’ve been looking down lately, and she saw this amazing therapist apparently, after her father passed away. she thinks it’ll be good for me to go and see them.” cheryl murmurs, watching the blue hues from the light up over archie’s face as her fiancé turns his attention away from the tv to look up at her from his position on her lap with a frown, deep in thought…

 

“hmm…yeah, you haven’t been getting a lot of sleep, either. you keep tossing and turning throughout the night.” archie says with a sigh before he sits up and sets his piece of pizza back down onto the cardboard box.

 

cheryl feels the guilt grip tightly at her chest, and she barely mumbles out an apology before archie’s pushing himself up off her and jumping into place beside her with a warm smile, his non pizza greased hand reaching out to brush his thumb over her cheek tenderly.

 

“hey, don’t be sorry, it’s not your fault. i’ve noticed it too, you’ve been a little distant lately, and i wanted to say something earlier, but i guess josie beat me to the punch, huh?” he teases. cheryl finds herself smiling somewhat weakly, and archie leans in to suddenly press a greasy kiss to her cheek, causing cheryl to whine and laugh as she pushes him away with a grunt.

 

“archie! pizza grease!” she groans. archie laughs loudly, but he takes her hand and rubs his thumbs over her knuckles affectionately with a smile.

 

“maybe josie has a point, maybe seeing a therapist can help, cheryl. whatever makes you happy, okay?” he says softly.

 

cheryl finds herself nodding numbly, and when archie sighs and sinks back into the couch to pull her into his chest, she doesn’t complain or push him away like she usually does sometimes, because he’s the affectionate one and she’s not.

 

she just sinks into his embrace and closes her eyes, wondering why the fuck she can’t seem to find it in herself to be _happy_ in the arms of a boy who cares so fucking much about her. 

 

\----------

 

_just turn around, cheryl, just turn back, it’s fine-_

 

but it’s too late. because the elevator doors swing open to level five, and cheryl finds herself staring at white walls that make her feel just a little more insane than she already does.

 

she’s frozen, unable to move for a few seconds, her mind spinning at a million miles an hour, and it isn’t until the elevator doors threaten to close again that cheryl flings an arm out to stop them before she takes a step closer towards them.

 

she exhales shakily, peeks her head out of the elevator doors and finds a hallway to her right that ends with a slightly stained glass door at the end of it, stained enough to make everything a little blurred, but not stained enough to block out the reception desk behind it.

 

she supposes that must be where she’s headed.

 

there had been no indication that a therapist’s office even existed here. cheryl had spent a good twenty minutes circling around the block, trying to find anything, a sign or a billboard, just _something_ to indicate that she was in the right place, and it hadn’t been until she had called josie asking her if this was the right place that she’d entered the parking lot.

 

the first five floors contain god only knows what, cheryl had simply asked the receptionist in the lobby for a woman named toni, and the receptionist had replied, in a rather bored voice, that she was on the fifth floor.

 

she hadn’t even looked up from filing her nails at cheryl to answer her.

 

she’s praying the receptionist behind the glass door to her right will be a little more polite.

 

cheryl squares her shoulders and glances down at the watch around her wrist. four thirty, she’s right on time…again, her father is probably going to kill her for leaving work early, but she can sweet talk him like she always does…hopefully.

 

her mother and father thankfully haven’t laid their hands on her in years, ever since she moved out and went to college, really. should she mention that to her therapist? that she used to get beaten regularly as a child for something she couldn’t control? that doesn’t seem detrimental to how she’s feeling now though…

 

she makes her way to the glass door somewhat nervously, trying her best to swallow it down as she opens it slowly and peeks her head inside.

 

“uh…hi?” she manages to get out, looking ahead of her and watching as the receptionist at the front desk looks up at her with a wide smile before she stands. she’s wearing jeans and a band t-shirt, something that completely baffles cheryl, who only just realizes that the entire front lobby is almost completely bare.

 

white walls, a water cooler in the corner and a few plants here and there, but no signs or plaques on the wall to indicate anything about level five of this building being a therapist’s office.

 

what the fuck kind of madhouse has josie sent her to?

 

before she can ponder anything more, the receptionist’s smile only widens before she’s waving cheryl forward cheerily.

 

“hi! you must be cheryl! i’m midge, you have an appointment with toni, right? she’s the only one who has appointments past three o’clock.” she says with bright eyes shining, her short brown hair tucked behind her ears, and cheryl simply finds herself nodding numbly as midge glances down at the gigantic fold out book in front of her with her pen twirling between the fingers of her left hand before she’s crossing something off.

 

“ah, there you are! alright, she’s just down the hall, first room on your left! it’s the only door that’s colored! if you need to book another appointment once you’re done, just come and see me!” midge says simply, offering cheryl another wide, way too cheery smile before she’s pointing to the hallway to her left. 

 

cheryl almost wants to bite back at her that she definitely won’t be booking another appointment because stepping into this building is already making her feel a little insane, but she holds her tongue, manages to offer her a small ‘thank you’ in reply instead before she’s making her way down the hallway and stopping at the first door on the left. 

 

a door that, compared to the other mahogany brown wooden doors further down the hall, is a deep shade of candy red.

 

why this door is different from the others, cheryl has no idea…

 

_i swear to god, josie, i am going to come back as a ghost and haunt you for all eternity if this woman ends up being some kind of deranged serial killer…_

 

cheryl takes a deep breath in before she raises a fist and knocks on the wood of the door as gently as she can, her nerves getting the better of her and causing her to knock five times before she curses under her breath at the fact that she’s slipping again.

 

she hasn’t had an attack in months, for god’s sake, this was such a bad idea-

 

“come in!” 

 

cheryl's fingers reach out, gripping the cold metal of the handle and pushing it down before she sucks a deep breath in and slowly enters the room with caution.

 

again, she’s met with white walls, but to her surprise, she’s also met with an abundance of paintings that cover those white walls up and almost completely hide them from view.

 

cheryl’s always fancied herself quite the painter. art has always been a passion of hers, and cheryl has, on more than one occasion, spent _hours_ inside galleries staring at paintings to try and capture every ounce of magic she could with each brush stroke created on the canvases before her. 

 

art is subjective, a beautiful outlet of creativity that cheryl finds herself obsessed with. of course, over the years since she left college and had to abandon her empty room where she could draw and paint to her heart’s content, she’d found her interest as dwindled, her time now occupied with work, work, and more work, but staring at the paintings before her…

 

the artwork before her is something she’s never seen before. and for once, cheryl finds herself completely dumbfounded by it.

 

it’s all just simple canvases with different colored backgrounds and different colors of paint splattered over them, nothing more, nothing less. it’s colorful, that’s for sure, and it adds something to the otherwise white walls, but other than that, cheryl’s completely lost on what they’re supposed to mean-

 

the sound of a loud pop causes cheryl to jump violently, her heart pounding against her chest as she turns her head to face the desk in the middle of the slightly small office. 

 

there’s a couch beside the desk in the corner of the room to the left, a window behind them with the blinds closed over them and two leather chairs in front of the wooden desk before her, a plush chair behind it with a figure resting on top of it-

 

the girl before her has her feet propped up on the desk and her hands crossed over her stomach, a gigantic pink bubble of gum blowing out of her mouth that she quickly snaps with her teeth before she’s chewing on it with a grin.

 

caramel colored skin, brunette hair with pink streaks highlighted throughout it, wide brown eyes filled with this childlike innocence that cheryl finds herself tensing up at the sight of, her shoulders almost up to her ears while this woman just simply…sits there and observes her.

 

she blows another bubble, snaps it before she’s suddenly plucking the gum from her mouth and dropping it into what cheryl fucking hopes is a bin behind the desk before she’s looking up at cheryl with a raised eyebrow.

 

“hi. you must be cheryl.” she says simply, this rasp to her tone that has a shiver running up cheryl’s spine. 

 

cheryl blinks at her in complete and utter shock. she’s _young_ , far too young to be a full blown professional therapist, but other than that, she’s…

 

god, she’s _beautiful._

 

her lips are full, plump and covered in some kind of clear, shiny gloss, and cheryl only just registers now the fact that she’s wearing simple black jeans with fucking converse shoes on, a white tank top and a cardigan over the top of it. she just looks so…casual.

 

what the f-

 

“uh, yeah…i’m looking for toni-.”

 

“you found her. take a seat.” toni says with a smile, feet still propped up on the desk before she nods down at one of the chairs in front of her casually. cheryl finds herself scoffing before she can really stop herself.

 

“i…you look way too young to be a therapist.” she says somewhat stiffly, clutching the purse over her shoulder, unable to stop herself from voicing her opinion, but all it does is prompt toni to cock an eyebrow before she gives her a lopsided smile.

 

“don’t worry, age is nothing but a number. besides, we’re here to learn about you, aren’t we?” toni says cheerily, finally pushing her feet up off the desk and settling behind it as she sinks back into her chair and nods down to the seats in front of her desk once more. 

 

cheryl hesitates for only a brief second more before she exhales shakily and makes her way towards the chairs, dropping down into the nearest one with a slight huff and prompting this giggle out of toni that has cheryl looking up at her in slight surprise before she finds herself smiling back at her somewhat shyly. 

 

oh great, she’s got some kind of contagious laughter that cheryl can’t help but laugh at as well…

 

toni’s eyes seem to soften before she tilts her head to the side and stares at cheryl with a look the redhead can’t explain-

 

“wow. excuse my bluntness, but…you are gorgeous.” she breathes suddenly, this soft scoff escaping her as cheryl feels the heat in her cheeks immediately rise, head ducking down before she tucks a lock of hair behind her ear nervously.

 

“oh, um…thank you.” she manages to get out, her cheeks only turning redder by the second before toni clears her throat and suddenly stands from her chair rather abruptly.

 

“would you like anything to drink? coffee? tea?” she asks, making her way towards a bunch of cabinets and a counter against the far corner of the northeast corner of the office that cheryl didn’t even notice before.

 

toni kind of captured all of her attention the second she laid eyes on her. 

 

“no thanks, i’m fine.” cheryl says with a sigh, watching as toni pours water into a mug from the kettle in the corner of the benchtop before she’s grabbing a teabag from the drawer and dunking it into the boiling water.

 

“so, cheryl…what brings you here?” toni asks once she’s settled back down behind her desk, eyes boring into cheryl’s as the redhead looks up at her in slight awe for just a moment or two longer.

 

_she truly is stunning, dear god-_

 

she shakes her head, forces herself out of her stupor before she clears her throat and simply shrugs.

 

“i had coffee with josie yesterday and she said she thinks i’ve been down lately. she told me i should see a doctor, so…here i am.” toni frowns at that, this look of deep concentration on her face as she looks at cheryl over the top of her mug, taking a sip before setting it back down onto the desk.

 

“so you’re here to, what? make josie happy?” toni asks, and cheryl simply finds herself shrugging once more, the words getting stuck in her throat to the point where she’s almost stuttering them out.

 

“i…no, but…or maybe, i g-guess…” 

 

“mmm, but you still chose to come here. so perhaps, subconsciously…part of you is hoping to find the thing that you’ve been looking for here.” she says softly, this small smile lighting up her features, and cheryl finds herself gasping as she looks up at the woman before her in surprise.

 

how…how the hell did she know…

 

“how do you know i’m looking for something in my life?” cheryl manages to whisper, her fingers digging into the leather of the chair she’s sitting on as toni raises an eyebrow and simply nods her head once to cheryl with a smirk.

 

“i didn’t…but i guess i do now. the truth of the matter is, cheryl, that josie gave you the suggestion to come here, but you booked the appointment all on your own. which means that somewhere in you, you feel the need to be here.” 

 

well, fuck. 

 

cheryl can’t even think of rebuttal, finds herself ducking her head once more as she simply chews on her bottom lip before she gives the therapist a small nod.

 

“yeah, i...i suppose…” 

 

“mmm…you seem to have a natural gift for saying what you think you want people to hear. do you have a habit of doing whatever makes people happy, cheryl?” toni hums, playing around with the teabag between her fingers, dunking it in and out of the mug and giving it her full attention, unbeknownst to the way cheryl is staring at her with her mouth slightly dropped open in shock like a fish caught out of water. 

 

“i…” cheryl can’t seem to find the words to say, but the shiver that explodes up her spine under the watchful gaze of toni has her shifting uncomfortably in her seat despite herself. 

 

how the fuck is she doing this? it’s like she’s reading everything about cheryl without knowing a goddamn thing about her, it’s almost _impossible-_

 

toni just keeps staring at her, waiting for a reply, but cheryl can’t seem to find one to give her.

 

she’s barely been in this fucking room for ten minutes, has barely spoken a full fucking sentence to this woman, and it’s like toni’s read her more thoroughly than any else in her life ever has. 

 

the thought fucking _terrifies_ her.

 

“what do you do for a living, cheryl?” toni asks suddenly, seemingly catching on that cheryl’s not exactly going to come up with a reply to her question, and the redhead finds herself swallowing thickly before she licks her lips and finds the strength inside herself to talk again.

 

“uh…i work for my father’s company, just answering emails and ordering stock and stuff like that…boring, technical stuff, but it pays the bills.” cheryl mumbles, and to her surprise, toni suddenly frowns before she’s chewing on her bottom lip and taking another sip of tea from her mug.

 

“mmm…not the answer i was expecting.” she says simply.

 

“what answer were you expecting?” cheryl finds herself asking before she can stop herself. toni says nothing, that smirk appearing on her face once more, and cheryl once again finds herself shifting uncomfortably before she clears her throat and fiddles with the straps of her handbag. 

 

“i-.”

 

“what would you rather be doing for a living?” toni asks, cutting her off before she can even really get a sentence out. cheryl licks her lips and watches as toni lets out a small sigh before she sets her mug down onto the desk once more and waits patiently for her to reply, but cheryl can’t get the stupid fucking words out. 

 

instead, she finds herself grabbing the straps of her handbag before she’s pushing herself up out of the seat on shaking legs, her heart racing and her palms beginning to sweat.

 

this was a dumb idea, this was a really dumb idea-

 

“maybe this was a mistake, maybe i sh-should leave-.”

 

“oh, no, i don’t think you should leave, cheryl. we’re just getting to know each other, i’d miss you.” toni says with a sudden wide smile and bright eyes that completely catches cheryl off guard, but she finds herself smiling back, this breathless laugh escaping her as she rolls her eyes and shakes her head. 

 

“you don’t even know me.” she breathes.

 

“mmm, but i’m intrigued so far. tell me, what do you do for a hobby? what’s something you’re passionate about?” toni asks, gesturing for cheryl to sit back down onto the chair, and for some stupid reason, cheryl finds herself collapsing back into the leather seat with a sigh.

 

toni’s got her locked in those bright brown eyes of hers and cheryl’s quite sure there’s nothing more she can do to escape this. part of her feels uncomfortable, and another part of her feels more comfortable than she’s ever felt in the last eight years.

 

it doesn’t make any fucking sense.

 

“um…i love painting, and drawing...i don’t really have time to do it much, but…” cheryl says somewhat lamely, but toni’s eyes suddenly light up before she’s smiling and laughing this melodic laugh that has cheryl grinning dumbly at the sound of it.

 

“ahh, so the painting is just a hobby…understandable. have you ever considered doing it professionally?” toni asks. cheryl scoffs despite herself, unable to contain it as she shakes her head.

 

“no. there’s no way it could work, it just seems kind of like an impossible dream at this point.” cheryl says wistfully, fiddling with the straps of her bag and avoiding eye contact. she doesn’t want to see the look of pity in toni’s eyes-

 

“anything’s possible. even the things that only exist in our dreams.” toni murmurs softly. cheryl clenches her jaw, but says nothing more, still avoiding eye contact and wanting to move away from this topic because honestly, it’s a sore subject.

 

the second she had brought up the idea of attending an art school to her father, she’d received a four hour long lecture about how art and painting would get her nowhere, and her father had dragged her upstairs to her room by her arm before locking her inside and telling her she wasn’t allowed to leave until she applied to every business college in upstate new york. 

 

so yes, dreams and cheryl blossom are not a good mix together. she’s pretty sure she hasn’t thought about dreams and aspirations in at least ten years now…

 

a silence takes over the room once more, and cheryl can feel toni’s eyes on her, watching her, observing her, but the redhead simply moves her eyes up from the straps of her bags and glances around the room, takes in the paintings with a frown before toni suddenly speaks up, causing her to jump a little.

 

“i don’t know much about art, but…i needed to add color to the walls.” she says with a toothy grin. cheryl manages a soft laugh, her cheeks almost hurting from how much she’s been smiling when toni suddenly jumps up from behind the desk and makes her way around it. cheryl blanches despite herself, finds herself slightly sinking into her chair when toni falls into the one beside her and looks at her in wonder, eyes roaming over her face for a few moments before she talks.

 

“what are you hoping to get out of coming here and seeing me, cheryl?” toni asks, her voice gentle, but raspy, something cheryl’s starting to think might just be the natural tone of her voice, and she finds herself blinking dumbly at the woman before her for a few moments, trying to come up with an answer when the truth is…she has none.

 

“i…i don’t know, i…” she trails off, teeth gnawing at her bottom lip and tears threatening to spill over because she’s so goddamn sick of _not knowing anything_ , and she sees toni’s eyes flicker down to the movement before she looks back up at cheryl with a raised eyebrow and a smirk.

 

“let me reword that, then. how many sessions are you looking to have in this lovely colorful room of mine?” she says playfully, prompting cheryl to let out a shaky laugh despite her nervousness before she licks her lips and glances down at her engagement ring, her fingers immediately playing with it as the ocd ticks in, she has to spin it five times, just five times-

 

“i’m getting married in four months, so-.”

 

“ahh…and suddenly things become clearer.” cheryl’s head snaps up at that on her fourth spin of her ring around her finger, her brow furrowed as she watches toni, this look in her eyes she can’t explain. the woman sinks back into her chair, her eyes still on cheryl before she nods once at her with an almost understanding smile.

 

“how long has your relationship been a factor in how you’re feeling?” she asks simply. cheryl finds herself staring at her in awe, mouth once again dropping open and shoulders slumping forward before she shakes her head and scoffs just to add a little bit more to her fake outrage in an attempt to hide the shock that’s currently flooding her.

 

“i n-never said my relationship had anything to do with how i’m feeling-.”

 

“you didn’t have to, cheryl. i asked how many sessions you wanted to have with me, and instead, you provided a deadline. a deadline involving wedding bells and a white dress. you want your problems solved by the time you get married, that tells me it’s weighing heavily on you, like a bomb ticking down closer and closer to something you can’t escape, right?” 

 

cheryl’s at a complete fucking loss for words. 

 

toni giggles again, like she finds all this funny, and cheryl is about to ask her just what the hell she’s laughing at when toni jumps up from her chair and settles down on her desk, propping herself on top of it and swinging her legs as she looks at cheryl with a warm smile.

 

what alternative universe as she stepped into?

 

“i’m sorry, it can be a little jarring sometimes, having someone read you like an open book, but this is kind of my job, cheryl. i’ll tone it down, though. tell me a little bit about your relationship, please.” she says kindly. cheryl finds herself swallowing thickly before she looks up at toni with a shaky sigh.

 

she has no fucking idea what’s going on, her head is spinning like crazy, but she finds herself replying to toni’s question without any real hesitation.

 

“i…look, my fiancé is an amazing guy, whatever problems i’m having…they have nothing to do with him. it’s not just my relationship, it’s my job and it’s my parents and it’s…it’s a hundred different other things, but they all involve _me_. something’s wrong with _me_ , not him, so…” 

 

silence takes over once more, cheryl unable to even look toni in the eyes once again as the woman continues to watch her, and toni shifts up off the desk before she lets out a deep sigh.

 

she can’t sit still for longer than a few minutes, can she?

 

“how long have you two been together?” toni asks quietly.

 

“eight years.” cheryl mumbles, fiddling with the straps of her handbag once again and looking up to see toni suddenly nod slowly, her eyes brightening up as if she’s coming to terms with something. cheryl almost wants to ask her to share what she’s thinking, cause she’s getting kind of sick of toni silently observing her, but she bites her tongue, and to her surprise, toni chuckles softly before she lets out a long sigh and looks up at the clock on the wall.

 

“well…i think we’ve done well for your first session.” 

 

cheryl blinks in surprise, looks up at the clock on the wall to see it’s already been half an hour.

 

“i’m sorry this session was so short, but you booked on short notice-.”

 

“no, no, it’s…it’s fine.” cheryl says quickly, waving her hand nonchalantly as toni smiles at her widely.

 

“regardless, this session will be free, but if you’d like to book another appointment, just see midge, she’ll write you in.” toni says happily. cheryl’s beginning to wonder if toni can actually read minds or something, but she finds herself nodding as she pushes herself up off her chair on slightly wobbling legs, her mind still spinning with how easily this woman seems to have read her without knowing a single thing about her. 

 

_therapists…they’re fucking magicians, i swear-_

 

“i…thank you for your time.” cheryl says, her voice small and feeble, but toni smiles at her softly before she’s biting down on her bottom lip and moving up off the desk, making her way closer to cheryl suddenly.

 

“thank you for yours.” she rasps out, her hand twitching at her side before she’s suddenly reaching out, and cheryl’s breath hitches despite herself, her heart pounding somewhere in her ribcage as toni looks up at her sheepishly before stepping even closer.

 

“i…can i touch you?” she asks softly, those bright brown eyes boring into cheryl’s, her breath washing over cheryl’s face. she can smell the faint aroma of the strawberry bubblegum, mixed with what smells like green tea, and she fights back a shiver and instead, without any real control, finds herself nodding slowly, unable to stop herself from quickly wiping her sweaty palms on her dress before toni can notice, but of course she does, because toni’s smile only widens impossibly more before she reaches her left hand down to grip cheryl’s.

 

cheryl has to physically suppress the shiver that threatens to run up her spine at toni’s touch, her heels digging into the carpet beneath her as toni brings her hand up to her face, and cheryl finds her eyes widening in surprise when toni simply holds her fingers in the palm of her hand, caramel skin contrasting against milk colored flesh, her eyes moving over them before she’s smiling.

 

“hmmm…you know, you shouldn’t smoke, cheryl. it’ll rot those beautiful white teeth of yours.” 

 

how the fuck-

 

“i…what?” cheryl breathes, watching in complete awe as toni laughs softly once more before she drops cheryl’s hand back down to her side with a small wink, the look on her face a mixture of amusement and something else cheryl can’t put her finger on-

 

“i hope to see you again, cheryl. the choice is yours, of course, but…i’d like to see you again.” toni whispers. cheryl finds herself nodding stupidly, incapable of words like she has been for the last half an hour since she first step foot into this goddamn building, and toni suddenly steps closer to her, causing her to inhale sharply-

 

toni simply reaches behind her and opens the door, pulling it forward with a smile as cheryl exhales shakily and offers her a small smile.

 

“thank you.”

 

“you’re welcome.” toni croaks out. cheryl makes her way out of the door, and before she can even really say anything, toni closes the door right in her face, not unkindly, but still quite forcefully. 

 

what…what the hell just happened? cheryl can’t even begin to wrap her mind around any of it at all. this woman with brown hair and bubblegum pink streaks through it, dressed like she’s lounging around at home instead of work, has just managed to decode things about her without knowing a single thing about her.

 

how is that even possible? 

 

is she even a therapist? or is she some kind of mind reader? cheryl didn’t even look to see if her phd’s or degrees were hanging on the walls, she was too distracted by the woman herself, because god, she’s _beautiful._

 

but…what? just…what? how does she even begin to explain what just happened in there? it just doesn’t seem possible that this woman was able to unscramble so much in just a half hour session…god, what could she do with a full hour? it’s terrifying to think of, cheryl can’t possibly book another session with her-

 

but…but something about that entire session is sticking with her, something that has her staring at the door in confusion for a few moments before she simply shakes her head and begins to walk away with slightly trembling legs, her mind fuzzy, her heart still pounding and her palms still sweaty.

 

_just walk to the door, cheryl, walk out, don’t book another appointment, please, just keep walking, you don’t need to see her again, you’re fine-_

 

she makes her way towards the reception desk, her eyes landing on midge, who looks up at her with a wide smile, and before she can even ask, cheryl answers her unasked question for her.

 

“can i book another appointment? preferably for some time this week again? i’ll pay whatever extra i need to pay to make it happen.”


	2. thank you for the coffee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes hi hello, here is latest chapter.
> 
> i am very sick, pls pray for me.
> 
> next chapter should hopefully be up before the end of the week but don't hold me to it because like i said, i am very sick, and i also am working while i'm sick which is uh...fun. (haha kill me)
> 
> anyway, leave a comment letting me know what you think, THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR AMAZING COMMENTS ON THE FIRST CHAPTER, MWAH, and i hope you enjoy this one! as always, you can find me on twitter at @endofdaysforme!
> 
> tw: ocd behavior (not sure if this needs a trigger warning but i'll add one regardless just in case!)

“so…how did it go?” 

 

josie watches her with this sheepish grin on her face that instantly has cheryl rolling her eyes as she picks up her cup of coffee and takes a sip, mindlessly scrolling through her instagram feed as she does.

 

“i could ask you the same thing. you never messaged me telling me how the recording session went.” cheryl says stiffly, not really wanting to talk about her session with toni, but josie waves her hand nonchalantly and scoots her chair closer to cheryl before she can even really protest. 

 

“i’ll tell you after, i asked first. come on, tell me…what do you think about toni?” josie watches her with a smirk, and cheryl simply raises her coffee cup to her lips once more to give herself time to think of an answer. if josie notices her tactics, she doesn’t say anything, and cheryl simply lowers her cup slowly with a frown before she puts her phone down onto the table with a sigh.

 

“she’s…different.” cheryl finally mumbles out, her cheeks immediately flushing when josie laughs loudly and simply nods a few times in agreement.

 

“yeah, that i agree with. quirky isn’t the right word, it’s more like-.”

 

“observant. very, _very_ observant.” cheryl breathes out, licking her lips and reaching for one of the mini muffins on the table that josie had bought them before her next words escape her out of nowhere.

 

“i booked another appointment for tomorrow.” she says quickly. josie blinks once in surprise, but she grins widely and simply leans back in her chair, crossing her arms over her chest as she does.

 

“and you didn’t even wanna go in the first place! ha! told you she’s good!”

 

cheryl simply smiles and nods in response, and the rest of the coffee break is filled with josie telling her about her recording session before cheryl pushes herself up and makes her way back to work. 

 

the truth is, she has no idea how to feel about her session with toni. it’s been two days since that session and cheryl’s still trying to wrap her mind around everything toni seemed to unpack about her while she’s simultaneously trying to prepare herself for whatever is about to happen tomorrow when she attends her next appointment.

 

was toni intriguing? god, yes. was she intimidating and terrifying as hell? for sure. but something about her makes cheryl feel safe, and maybe it’s because she’s a therapist and it’s her _job_ to make her clients feel like they’re in that kind of environment, but cheryl can’t help but cherish it for what it was, because the truth is, she’s never really felt that way before.

 

she can’t talk to anyone about anything without fear of it getting back to her parents or archie at some point, even telling josie how she felt on monday had been terrifying, but josie had a tendency to be a little self-absorbed, and it’s not like she’s a professional therapist. 

 

toni, however, is, or well…appears to be. cheryl still wants to see proof of a phd of some sort. 

 

toni is someone she can trust. and with the life she’s led, the unfortunate truth for cheryl is that the number of people in that category are slim. 

 

work drags on, and when cheryl gets home, she can barely be bothered to cook anything proper, so she just shoves some packaged raw pasta into a pot of boiling water with a splash of oil and some salt before she heads out to the balcony for a cigarette.

 

as soon as she lights it, she finds herself staring down at her hands, trying to determine how toni seemed to catch onto her little sneaky habit just by looking at them, but she can’t find a single trace of evidence to prove herself as a smoker. her red painted nails would hide any yellowing discoloration, unless toni has some kind of super x-ray vision and was able to see through the nail polish…

 

god, that woman was so strange, cheryl can’t begin to explain it, but maybe that’s kind of a good thing? after all, she was going to these sessions to learn more about what was bothering her, not to make a new friend or get to know someone new, especially someone who she was paying over a hundred and fifty bucks a session for.

 

but what if she's _too_ damaged? what if toni can't fix her or her problems before the wedding? cheryl's not expecting her to perform some kind of miracle here, but she's counting on toni to help her at least try to move past this depression she's under...if she's as life changing as josie claims she is, she must be good enough to do so...right?

 

she finishes off her cigarette and goes about her usual routine of brushing her teeth, washing her hands and spraying herself with perfume to hide the evidence before she heads back to the stove and curses under her breath, rushing over when she sees the water slightly overflowing. she turns the gas off and moves the pot over to the sink, draining out the water before she reaches into the cabinet for some bolognaise sauce. she pops the lid and slathers it into the pot, quickly stirring it all together just as the sound of the door opening echoes out.

 

“cheryl? you here?” archie calls out.

 

“in the kitchen!” cheryl yells, tongue poking out slightly as she stirs the spaghetti. the echoing sound of footsteps sounds behind her as rough hands grip her hips before a kiss is being pressed to the back of her head, and she smiles as archie rests his chin on her shoulder and looks over it to see what she’s doing.

 

“ah, spaghetti. love it! is it done? i’m starving!” archie grumbles, dropping a kiss to her shoulder before pulling away from her to grab two bowls from the cabinet above her. cheryl adds another dash of salt and stirs it once more before she steps back and looks at archie with a warm smile.

 

“bon appetit.” she says softly. archie’s smile lights up the entire room as he takes cheryl’s face into his hands gently and presses a kiss to her lips, the guilt rearing its ugly head when cheryl finds herself barely reciprocating as always.

 

_just kiss him back, cheryl, please-_

 

“you…are gonna make a perfect wife in four months. thank you, cheryl.” archie whispers against her lips, pulling back with a grin before he grabs the bowl on the counter and begins pouring himself a portion. the words cause cheryl to wince despite herself, but she simply ignores it, drums her fingers against the counter five times because she needs to and watches as archie pours her a bowl as well, holding it out to her with a fork stabbed through the pasta.

 

“come on, i’ve got big news to tell you.” he takes her free hand and leads her over to the couch in the living room, where he immediately turns the tv on despite the fact that he turns around to face her with a wide smile once they're both settled on the cushions.

 

“so, you know that job i was telling you about the other day? the one dad needs help with?" archie says sheepishly. cheryl simply nods, and archie lets out a deep breath before he nods.

 

"that job is back home in riverdale. dad's already started the job, but he’s gonna need all hands on deck, so i’m heading out this weekend to meet with him and the client and to help him out so we can finish this job as soon as possible. she wants to build this big, fancy vacation home on...on the southside.” archie says with a wince, watching her with a look that seems slightly nervous.

 

cheryl finds herself staring at him in complete and utter shock, her eyes wide and her mouth slightly dropped open for a few moments before she finally shakes away the surprise at his statement and twirls her fork into her pasta five times because she needs to.

 

“i…the _southside?_ that’s kind of crazy, considering it’s not exactly known for-.”

 

“i know, and i know you're probably worried about me working on the southside, but dad's got the whole crew working on it, and i spoke with jughead...he told me it’s slowly starting to become better. no more gangs whatsoever, less poverty, more jobs cropping up, there’s even a rec center for troubled youths there to stop them from getting involved in crime. they don’t want another southside serpents situation happening.” archie says with a frown. cheryl simply nods slowly, gazing down at her pasta solemnly, her appetite suddenly gone, because truth be told, she hadn't even thought to be worried about archie working on the southside, but now that he's mentioned it...

 

the southside of riverdale had been a place of chaos and despair during cheryl’s time in the small town three hours away from new york. she, archie, and her cousin, betty cooper, grew up on the northside, far away from any of it, and pretty much all their parents had banned them from ever going to that side of town the entire time they lived there because of the amount of crime that had begun to spike once they were in high school. a gang had apparently formed on the southside of riverdale when they had been in ninth grade, a gang called ‘the southside serpents’, which had just encouraged more gangs to begun cropping up on the southside as a result.

 

archie’s long time best friend, a boy named ‘jughead’ jones, had actually moved to the northside because of it, his father not wanting his son to get caught up in the craziness of it all, and as a result, betty and jughead had actually begun dating and were still going strong to this day, much like cheryl and archie.

 

well, kind of like cheryl and archie…

 

“it’s, uh…that’s good. i’m glad they found a way to keep those kids in order after what happened.” cheryl murmurs. archie simply nods in agreement, a hopeful look in his eyes as if he was expecting cheryl to tell him he couldn't go, and cheryl finds herself looking up at the tv without really paying any attention to it.

 

she can still remember the sound of gunfire and screaming that had echoed out from the southside that night in senior year, still remembers curling up under her blankets in fear only to wake up the next morning to find out that an all-out gang war had exploded on the southside between the serpents and some other gang that had formed. five young kids their age had died that night, and as a result, the sheriff had begun to crack down on any and all gang activity within riverdale. every single kid on the southside was put under a goddamn laser light by every single member of the police force. 

 

when cheryl left for college, any and all thoughts of the southside and that night had been erased from her mind. but it’s good to hear, that those ‘serpents’ were no more and that the place was becoming less crime driven…

 

“anyway, i’m gonna be heading down there for the weekend to meet with her and dad and discuss options with her, because dad and i kinda wanna get this place done before the wedding...but i figured it could be a nice getaway for us, too...going back home, maybe meeting up with jughead and betty for some dinner or something?” archie says with a smile, gripping cheryl’s hand in his own and giving it a gentle squeeze.

 

cheryl inhales sharply, her brow creasing before she can really stop it. it’s definitely not appealing, the idea of going back home…her parents still lived there, and going there means there’s no chance in hell her parents won’t want to meet with them, but regardless, cheryl finds herself smiling before she nods once, almost as if she’s on autopilot.

 

“sure. sounds great.” she says simply. archie grins widely, not catching on at all to her hesitation or worry before he kisses her cheek and turns his attention to the tv, while cheryl simply watches him for a few moments with a frown before she does the same, twirling her pasta hurriedly, but still not bringing it to her mouth to take a bite.

 

god, she can already feel a headache forming behind her eyes…

 

_this weekend is gonna end up being the worst of my life…_

 

\------------------

 

“of course, you and archie will be joining us for dinner before you leave, correct?”

 

penelope blossom’s voice is sharp and distinct, and god, does it get on cheryl’s goddamn nerves as she presses down five times on the up button of the elevator because she needs to with a deep sigh.

 

“we’re having dinner with jughead and betty on saturday night, mother-.”

 

“then you’ll have lunch with us on sunday before you leave to go back to new york. there’s much to discuss, cheryl, wedding plans that need perfecting, and there’s only so much i can do over the phone with you, especially considering you don’t answer half the time.” penelope huffs, the sound of water on the other end of the phone echoing out, but cheryl ignores it and simply grits her teeth before putting on her best sweet voice she can muster.

 

“i’m usually at work when you call, mother. but yes, fine, we’ll have lunch with you on sunday, now i have to go, i’m about to drive.” cheryl says quickly, stepping into the elevator once the doors open with a loud ding sound, and before her mother can say anything else, cheryl utters a rushed goodbye and hangs up, shoving her phone into her purse and pressing the level five button five times because she needs to. 

 

_it’s getting bad again, cheryl…_

 

she ignores the voice in her head and simply watches the doors close, her heels tapping together five times nervously as she makes her ascent. 

 

of course, she’s not about to drive at all, she’s seconds away from seeing toni for their session before she needs to head home to prepare herself for a long car journey ahead. she finished work early today in order to see toni and have enough time to get home and pack. hopefully, they can reach riverdale by midnight, where they’ll be staying at archie’s old family home with his father. fred still lived in riverdale and only came up to new york to stay with them for big jobs, but it looks like this time, they’ll be doing the opposite.

 

cheryl only prays that this job won’t involve her needing to stay with archie in riverdale while he works on it, because the thought of being around her mother and this goddamn town for longer than a weekend is already causing her to panic. she'll just come and see archie on the weekends, it's not a big deal, and hell, maybe it'll be good for them to spend some time apart before the wedding, maybe it'll make her heart grow fonder of him in his absence or something-

 

the elevator doors open with a ding, and cheryl finds herself rushing out of it, making her way to the stained glass door and opening it with a smile. midge immediately looks up as soon as cheryl enters, that usual grin wide on her face and her short, pixie cut hair sticking up all over the place as she stands and gives her a cheery wave.

 

“ah, cheryl! come on in, take a seat, toni’s running a little late from her coffee run, but she’ll be in soon!” midge says way too excitedly, prompting cheryl to purse her lips before she nods once and makes her way towards one of the chairs next to the water cooler. midge plops back down into her chair, opens the fold out book before her and crosses off cheryl’s name while humming some tune under her breath, and cheryl takes in her ripped jeans and the studded earrings that go all up her left ear with a suppressed chuckle.

 

god, this place is strange…cheryl's never seen anything like it. and now that she thinks about it, all the other rooms seem empty...like there's no one else that works here-

 

"midge...where are all the other doctors?" cheryl asks nonchalantly, stretching her neck out to look at the door at the far end of the hallway to see if there's anyone there, but it's empty.

 

"oh, toni's the only one who takes appointments after three! everyone else heads home after that!" midge says cheerily, offering her a smile that has cheryl giving her one back before she sinks into her chair once more with a sigh.

 

so toni was clearly dedicated to the work she did...either that or she just didn't have much of a life outside of this office...

 

it's a sad thought for cheryl, the idea of toni not having any friends or a husband or someone to go home to...she hadn't spotted a ring on toni's finger when they met the other day and considering she appears to spend most of her time here, cheryl doubts she's married-

 

the glass door opens, and cheryl finds herself staring in complete awe.

 

toni steps through, a slick sheen of sweat covering her face, which is slightly red, these soft pants for air escaping her as she wipes away the sweat at her brow, her brown and pink highlighted hair held up in a ponytail, and cheryl’s eyes fall down, down, down to the tight black leggings she’s wearing before they travel up to the baby blue sports bra she’s also wearing.

 

and that’s it.

 

so much caramel colored skin is exposed to cheryl that she has no idea where to look, her eyes taking in the sight of the sweat beads that have formed over toni’s perfectly toned stomach, where a belly button ring pokes out through the flesh, her arms also covered in a glistening gleam of moisture and her phone jammed into what looks like an armband around her left bicep as she rips out her earphones with one hand, the other occupied with a tray carrying three cups of coffee. 

 

“sorry i’m late! i would’ve been on time, but _someone_ requested coffee…” she says, cocking an eyebrow at midge sternly, who simply shrugs and jumps up from her chair, holding her hand out for the tray in toni’s hand. the pink haired woman simply passes it to midge with a smirk, the sound of velcro ripping echoing out as she takes off the armband, slips her phone out of it and takes the tray back off the desk once midge has taken her own cup before she turns to look at cheryl with a smirk.

 

“come on through.” she sing songs, turning around and making her way towards the candy red door of her office, and cheryl finds herself standing on slightly shaking legs, her eyes glued to the way toni’s hips sway as she clutches her purse for goddamn dear life and wills the urgency with which her heart is racing away. 

 

_stop staring, cheryl, it’s creepy-_

 

toni suddenly stops short, and when she turns to face cheryl, the redhead can see her brow furrowed deep in thought as she sighs and shakes her head suddenly.

 

“don’t know about you, but the idea of being stuck in a room with only one window while i sweat like a monkey in heat doesn’t sound very appealing. how about we take a walk in the park across the road?” 

 

cheryl simply blinks a few times in response, not quite sure what to even say to that before toni lets out a light giggle and walks back past cheryl, her fingers brushing up and down her forearm and causing her to shiver involuntarily.

 

“come on, you. you look like you need some fresh air, anyway. midge, sweetie, you can head home if you want, jackson cancelled his four thirty appointment and rescheduled for three thirty on tuesday, so cheryl will be my last client for the day.” toni says nonchalantly as she makes her way to the door.

 

“no problem, toni! i’ll write it down in the book now, do you want me to lock up?” midge says, jumping up from her chair so joyfully, cheryl's starting to wonder if this girl's only emotion is happy, it's kind of annoying-

 

“no, it’s fine, i gotta come back and get my stuff once we’re done!” toni calls out as she opens the glass door and ushers cheryl through it.

 

“okay, cool! enjoy your weekend away! see you on tuesday!” midge says cheerily, prompting cheryl to look back at her in disbelief as toni laughs softly and hits the down button on the elevator while cheryl tries her best to ignore the itch beneath her skin at the fact that she hasn’t pressed it five times, just four more times, come on, toni, please-

 

“so…how’s the rest of your week been?” toni asks, leaning against the wall with a smirk on her face as she crosses her arms over her chest. cheryl finally manages to draw her eyes away from the down button with a shaky sigh before she smiles and simply shrugs.

 

“fine. boring…work, home, work, home, the usual. how was your run?” cheryl asks politely. toni’s grin widens before she shrugs as well.

 

“enlightening, as always.” she says in a teasing tone, prompting cheryl to roll her eyes as the elevator doors ding loudly and open, and she follows toni inside before she rushes to press the lobby button five times before toni can get to it. if the therapist notices, she doesn’t say anything, just simply pulls one of the cups out of the tray and hands it to her.

 

“i wasn’t sure what to get you, but you seem like a double shot latte with two sugars kind of girl.” toni says simply. cheryl stares at her, dumbfounded.

 

how the actual _fuck_ is she meant to know that?

 

“i…yeah, i am, actually. thank you.” she manages to stutter out after a few moments, prompting toni to giggle again as she takes her own cup of coffee out of the tray and dumps it into the bin beside the elevators once the doors open. cheryl just follows after her, completely and utterly numb as she brings the coffee cup to her lips to take a sip while toni walks towards the revolving door at the front of the building, pushing it open and waving at cheryl to follow her quickly, which she does.

 

as soon as the cool breeze hits her, cheryl finds herself sighing in relief despite the last dregs of summer heat that cling to the air, taking a deep breath in once she’s done, her eyes fluttering closed and a smile instantly lighting her face, and when she opens her eyes, toni’s watching her with a smile of her own, this knowing look in her eyes as she nods towards the park across the road from them.

 

“come on, let’s take a walk and talk.”

 

cheryl has no idea how to feel about all of this. it’s like they’re two friends meeting up for coffee and taking a walk in the park, feels like something she’d do with josie, not something she’d do with her goddamn therapist who she’s paying a hundred a fifty bucks an hour to see. something seems so off, and yet, cheryl finds herself slowing her pace down along with toni as the girl begins walking around the path that circles the park leisurely, her body twisting to watch cheryl with a soft smile.

 

“last time we met, you told me you’re not sure why you feel the way you feel. did you have a think about it over the last few days since our last session, come up with an answer of some sort?” toni asks, lifting her coffee cup to her lips to take a sip, brown eyes as observant as ever as cheryl swallows the lump in her throat and simply shakes her head.

 

“i thought about it, but…still have no answer.” cheryl says with a sigh, taking a sip of her coffee as her eyes trail over to the kids laughing and cheering as they chase each other around the jungle gym. 

 

“mmm…tell me, what do you like doing in your free time, cheryl?” toni asks suddenly, prompting the red head to turn to look at her as she frowns before pursing her lips and shrugging.

 

“i don’t know…my fiancé likes watching football a lot-.”

 

“cheryl…i asked what _you_ like, not what _your fiancé_ likes to do.” toni says with an almost impatient sigh, dragging her cup towards her lips once more as cheryl rolls her eyes and shakes her head.

 

“well, that’s what i mean, we do everything together, so i spend most of my free time bored to death watching games.” she deadpans. toni scoffs, not rudely, but almost in a surprised way before she licks her lips with a soft hum. 

 

“so you’re telling me you and your fiancé have been joined at the hip for eight years? never spent any time apart?” she asks with amusement, watching as cheryl runs her fingers through her hair and adjusts her purse on her shoulder with a slight huff.

 

“well…no. we started dating in senior year of high school, but when i went to college, i broke up with him for a bit so we could spend some time just…figuring ourselves out. we got back together in my third year of college.” she states simply and hurriedly, averting her gaze quickly, and toni purses her lips almost like she’s hiding a smile before she takes a sip of her coffee with a nod.

 

“hmm…well in that case, what did you like to do with your free time in college?” toni asks. cheryl chuckles slightly, because free time was so far and few in between, especially with a business degree, but she simply sighs wistfully and finds herself watching the kids runs around with a smile.

 

“i painted. and drew…a lot. i have an entire box of sketchbooks that are just kind of resting in my closet in the corner. i lost inspiration a few years back…haven’t picked up a pencil or paintbrush since.” cheryl croaks out, tears pricking her eyes and causing her to blink rapidly as she gazes down at her coffee cup and lifts it to her lips once more.

 

she remembers how much _fun_ she used to have, sketching birds she's find in the trees when her and archie and their friends would hang out under the trees at riverdale high on their lunch breaks, remembers how freeing it had been to pain while she danced along to whatever song josie was singing in college...

 

she misses it. she really does, but last time she picked up a pencil and tried to sketch something, she ended up breaking the pencil in half and throwing the sketch book across the room with a scream of anger. it's just... _gone._

 

it’s silent for a few moments, and cheryl can feel toni observing her as always, watching her carefully before she suddenly reaches out and grips the sleeve of cheryl’s jacket to stop her from taking a step further. cheryl’s feet stutter as she comes to a stop and turns to look at toni with a raised eyebrow, and the girl chuckles before she leads cheryl over to a bench a few meters away from them, the both of them plopping down onto it with deep sighs.

 

“maybe you should consider going back to it, cheryl. it sounds to me like painting and drawing is something you find happiness in. you can’t expect your mood to improve and things to become clearer to you if you don’t have those moments of peace where you can relax and do something you love doing. why do you think i go for runs in the middle of the day during work?” toni says with a wide grin, gesturing down at her outfit as cheryl cocks an eyebrow at her in amusement. 

 

“so even therapists need a minute of clarity, huh?”

 

“are you kidding? we’re the people who need it the most, obviously!” toni exclaims with a loud laugh, prompting cheryl to giggle as she fiddles with the lid of her coffee cup shyly. a few moments pass before toni suddenly reaches out to grip her elbow, cheryl’s breath hitching at the action as she looks up at toni to see her looking at her with such softness, it almost makes cheryl melt into a puddle. 

 

“at least try. just pick up a pencil and put it to paper and see what happens.” she urges, brown eyes wide and hopeful. cheryl scoffs despite herself, shakes her head as she looks up at the kids on the jungle gym almost forlornly.

 

“you make everything sound so easy.” she murmurs.

 

“life is easy, cheryl. it’s us humans that make it complicated.” she whispers. cheryl finds herself simply nodding along in agreement as a gentle breeze hits them once more, prompting her to shiver slightly and shrug her jacket closer to her body despite how hot the air is around them.

 

“hmm...tell me, cheryl, in the simplest terms possible, the first thing that pops into your mind when i ask this…what is the one thing in your life that’s causing you so much trouble? i know you’re not quite sure how to describe what you feel, but if we can narrow it down to just one thing that’s making you feel this way…what would it be?” toni asks after a few moments of silence. cheryl finds herself fiddling with the lid of her coffee cup again, her teeth gnawing on her bottom lip with distress as her mind spins and she tries to find some form of clarity in all the chaos.

 

one thing? god, is that what she has to narrow it down to?

 

“i…i don’t know, i-.”

 

“cheryl, are you aware that you have ocd?” toni says suddenly out of nowhere, causing cheryl to look up at her in surprise to see that toni is staring at her fingers as they run across the top of the coffee cup, a frown clear as day on her face.

 

“i…yes. how did you know-.”

 

“you’ve run your finger over that lid five times at least twice now. and you pressed the lobby button in the elevator five times, too. cheryl, you need to tell me these things, i can’t help you if i don’t know your history with mental illness.” toni says calmly, but with a look of almost disappointment that just causes cheryl’s heart to clench tightly, tears immediately building in her eyes once more.

 

“i…i’m sorry, it’s just s-something i’m so used to-.” she stutters out, toni's expression immediately softening as she sighs.

 

“hey…hey, it’s okay. when were you diagnosed?” toni asks softly, shifting a little closer to her. cheryl swallows thickly and looks up from her coffee cup, sniffing back her tears as she does.

 

“when i was five. it’s gotten better over the years, though, i just have random attacks sometimes where i just need to do things five times. it’s…it’s been getting worse over the last couple of weeks.” cheryl mumbles, averting her gaze once more, and toni suddenly sighs deeply once more, her arm coming to rest against cheryl’s as she closes her eyes and begins to nod slowly in understanding.

 

“things are becoming a bit more real for you. the wedding’s getting closer and you need something that you have control over.” toni states easily, as if it’s the simplest thing in the world. cheryl doesn’t respond, her gaze falling down to her coffee cup once more as she lifts a finger and begins tracing the outline once, twice, three times-

 

soft fingers come to rest over her own, stopping her progress and causing her to let out this whine she can’t control as she looks up to see toni staring at her with a small, but sad smile.

 

"no one's really noticed it before...i notice it, but it's hard to tell my brain to stop." cheryl whispers. toni's fingers squeeze her own gently before she smiles at her as genuinely as she can.

 

"i know...i get it." she whispers back. it's quiet again, the both of them breathing deeply before toni suddenly brushes her thumb over the top of cheryl's knuckles, prompting a shiver she can't control to run up her spine.

 

“answer my question, cheryl. i think you have an answer to this one.” she croaks out. cheryl bites down on her bottom lip to stop it from trembling as she blinks back more tears and simply…lets go.

 

“i…it’s just…i’m twenty five, i feel like now is the prime age to be getting married and thinking about babies and the rest of my life, but every time i do, i feel like the walls are closing in on me and i can’t breathe. i feel like my life is rushing past me, moving so fast, and there’s nothing i can do to stop it. i hate my fucking job, but i can’t leave because there’s nothing else i can think of to do, and it’s with my father’s company, so what the hell else can i do? they already hate me, already think of me as a disappointment, and the only thing about me they like is my fiancé. they adore the fucking ground he walks on, and i’m just…there. i feel like i should be happy, because he’s amazing, toni, he really is, he’s my _best friend_ , but i just…lost myself somewhere in our relationship, and everyone keeps telling me i should be happy but-.”

 

“you’re just not.” toni finishes softly, ending cheryl’s long rant as the girl gasps for air and simply nods furiously with a soft whine. 

 

“i’m just not.” she breathes out, her whole body collapsing into the bench with exhaustion as tears she can’t control fall down her cheeks. 

 

god, that felt...fucking _amazing._ cheryl's pretty sure she's never just let go like that before, just talked and talked about how she felt, about her parents, about archie, about everything, fuck, it feels like her chest is expanding, like she can finally breathe, like the elastic band around her stomach has loosened, jesus, how hasn't she done this before...

 

the silence that takes over is almost uncomfortable, but cheryl barely notices it because she’s so busy trying her best just to _breathe_ , her shoulders tensing and relaxing as toni’s fingers in her own begin to rub comforting circles on the back of her hands, the action causing cheryl to look up at her with a soft smile that the pink haired woman quickly returns. 

 

“well…that's a lot for me to unpack." toni says weakly. cheryl winces once, but toni quickly reassures her with a smile and a shake of her head.

 

"no, it's a good thing. a very good thing, it's things we can explore later because i think we’ve made enough progress for one session, don’t you think?” toni says with a teasing smile. cheryl finds herself laughing, unable to stop herself as she wipes away her tears with a nod and a sniff. toni pats her hand before she glances down at the watch on her hand and lets out a mournful sigh as she takes the last few sips of her coffee and dumps it into the bin beside them. she smiles and nods at cheryl encouragingly before tapping her hand once more.

 

“we’ll book another appointment for next week. we’re making good progress, cheryl, i’m proud of you.” toni says firmly. cheryl finds herself smiling despite her tears as she swallows the lump in her throat and glances down at the watch on her wrist. the hour is up, although technically she should still have ten minutes left because toni came in late-

 

“don’t worry, this session is half price because of my lateness. i apologize again-.”

 

“no, it’s fine, toni. thank you for the coffee.” cheryl says in a small voice, wiping away the remainder of her tears from her cheeks and sniffing back any new ones threatening to fall. 

 

“you’re welcome, cheryl. what day is preferable for your next appointment?” toni asks with a smile. cheryl bites down on her bottom lip with hesitation before she looks to toni almost pleadingly.

 

“can we possibly meet on monday? i’d just like to get on top of this as soon as possible so i can get past…whatever i’m feeling.” cheryl sighs. toni's smile fades as she winces before she sinks back into the seat for a brief moment and sighs as well, almost regretfully.

 

“i won’t be in on monday, cheryl, i’m sorry. i’m actually leaving town early tomorrow morning and won’t be back till monday night. how’s tuesday sound? five thirty?” toni asks, standing up from the bench and holding her hand out for cheryl to take, which she does. toni helps her up, and their hands remained clasped for just a second longer before toni drops her hand, and cheryl finds herself missing the warmth of her hand in her own for reasons she can’t even explain.

 

guilt grips her suddenly, causing her to bow her head before she simply nods slowly as they begin walking back towards the building across the road. 

 

the thought of not being able to burst and tell toni everything about what's sure to be a torturous weekend as soon as she gets back home is a little troublesome, but she's not about to demand that toni stay just so she can rant, that's ridiculous. she'll just have to keep everything in until tuesday, no matter how amazing the outburst she just had felt.

 

“i’m actually gonna be out of town for the weekend, too.” cheryl asks in an effort to break the slightly uncomfortable silence, prompting toni to chuckle before she looks at cheryl with a raised eyebrow.

 

“where you headed?” 

 

“my fiancé has a big job lined up back home in riverdale, it’s a small town a few hours away from…” cheryl trails off as toni comes to a stop, her eyes wide before she suddenly scoffs and shakes her head with a wide smile brightening up her face, causing cheryl to smile as well just because god, toni's smile is _magnificent_ as she looks at her in slight confusion.

 

“what’s so funny?” cheryl asks. toni simply laughs louder, shaking her head more before she looks up at cheryl with a grin, dimples poking into her cheeks adorably.

 

“it’s a small world, cheryl blossom. your fiancé’s wouldn’t happen to be a guy named archie andrews of ‘andrews construction company’, would he?” toni asks with a smirk. cheryl looks at her with wide eyes, her heart pounding so erratically against her chest before she nods slowly, not understanding how toni can possibly know that, how can she know that-

 

“looks like your fiancé’s building my vacation home.” toni says cheerily, laughing when cheryl’s mouth drops open in shock. 

 

this can’t be happening…it can’t be, it can’t be, toni can’t come into contact with archie, what…what if she told him _everything_ she’s told her? what if archie finds out, what if he learns about how she feels? he'll leave her, he'll want to cancel the wedding and-

 

“i…what? seriously?” cheryl squeaks out, and toni simply nods before she begins walking once more, cheryl following after her on shaking legs a few moments later once the shock has worn off, but her mind is still reeling and she still feels like she’s about to collapse, the world is kind of closing in on her, and that elastic band is tightening around her chest again-

 

archie…archie’s going to be working on her therapist’s vacation home? oh god, oh god, this…this isn’t good, this…she thought she could trust toni, she thought there was no possible way it could get back to him, oh god, oh god-

 

“cheryl…cheryl, hey, you have nothing to worry about.” toni says softly, reaching out to grip cheryl’s elbow with gentle fingers as cheryl looks up at her with tear filled eyes and a trembling bottom lip while toni watches her with nothing but concern etched on her beautiful features.

 

“i-p-please, toni, don't t-tell him-.”

 

“cheryl, hey...come on, everything we talk about is patient/doctor confidentiality, i won’t say a word to archie about anything, you know that…this stays between us, and even if i wanted to tell him anything you’ve told me, you’d have grounds to sue me for everything i’m worth if i did, so…” toni says with a light, reassuring laugh, and cheryl feels herself suddenly relax almost instantly, a shaky smile lifting her lips before she can stop it. 

 

right…right, she _does_ know that, god, she’s so stupid…doctors can't go blabbing about their patient's personal lives to random people, it's a total breach of contract, of course...

 

_always the worst case scenario…_

 

“right…thank you.” cheryl manages to get out.

 

“mmm, nothing to thank me for. you panicked pretty quickly there, cheryl…not a lot of people you can trust, huh?” toni says simply. cheryl lets out a shaky breath, and she feels like she should confirm toni’s suspicions because god are they true, but the weight in her stomach drops dramatically, and she finds herself simply pursing her lips and dropping her gaze to her feet instead.

 

“i thought the session was over…” she grumbles, cheeks burning before she can stop them. toni chuckles softly before she nods slowly.

 

“fair point. then i guess i can say this as a friend, instead…you can trust me, cheryl. i promise.” toni croaks out, this look in her eyes that has a shiver running up cheryl’s spine for unknown reasons as her fingers stroke cheryl’s inner elbow gently in an effort to calm her down from her near panic attack.

 

“a friend?” cheryl finds herself blurting out, unable to quite grasp the concept of her fucking _therapist_ being her _friend_ , and toni laughs loudly this time before she shakes her head with amusement.

 

“yeah, cheryl. a friend…during our sessions, i’m your therapist, sure, but seeing as we’re gonna be spending some time together outside of my office and well, this park, i think it’s safe to say we can be friends. but just so you know, you can trust me around the clock, okay? as your friend, as your therapist, whatever you need.”

 

toni’s fingers graze down over her forearm and curl around her wrist, and cheryl can’t begin to explain why her heart is beating so damn fast, but the feeling of toni’s warm fingers around her wrist brings her this sense of calm she’s never had in her entire fucking _life_.

 

“i…thank you, toni. i appreciate that.” she husks out, blinking back the tears in her eyes as best as she can before she looks up at toni with a raised eyebrow to see her smiling at cheryl with the sincerest smile she’s ever seen.

 

“you’re building your vacation home in _riverdale_?” cheryl asks with curiosity, trying to get this conversation away from herself and her goddamn trust issues.

 

“it’s my hometown, actually. i grew up on the southside. i’m guessing you grew up on the north?” toni says with a chuckle, cocking an eyebrow and looking her up and down as cheryl shrugs her jacket closer almost subconsciously despite the beads of sweat forming on her forehead and simply nods, more surprise wracking through her as she looks at toni in disbelief.

 

toni grew up on the southside? with the goddamn gangs and criminals? what the f-

 

“yeah, now that i think about, i think i heard whispers about some blossom family on the northside…like i said, small world.” toni says with a chuckle, beaming widely as cheryl simply shakes her head in disbelief.

 

“i…wow.” is all cheryl manages to choke out. 

 

toni being from the southside of riverdale is something she didn’t see coming at all…but then again, archie building toni’s goddamn vacation home was a swerve as well. god, what a turn this goddamn day has taken...

 

toni smiles as they cross the road, cheryl still clutching her coffee cup with a few dregs still left in it, and toni stops in front of the revolving door and turns back to look at cheryl with a warm smile as one hand reaches out for the door.

 

“i guess i’ll see you this weekend, cheryl.” she says softly, voice rasping slightly, and cheryl smiles and nods slowly, a mixture of emotions still swirling inside her. panic over this weekend, over archie and toni meeting, over seeing her parents, but overall, surprisingly...excitement.

 

for what reason? she doesn't know.

 

“i guess i will.” toni chuckles before she walks through the revolving door, and cheryl watches her walk in before she turns and makes her way to the parking lot around the corner, still carrying her empty coffee cup in her hands…

 

something she doesn’t let go of until she gets home.


	3. can't pretend around you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is an emotional rollercoaster, the first of many, haha (don't kill me)
> 
> comments are loved and appreciated, so slap one on here or you can message me at @endofdaysforme on twitter where i'm currently running a poll you should definitely vote on cause i have no idea what to do, pls help!
> 
> hope you enjoy this one (cheryl is in a lot of pain, but we been knew)
> 
> tw: mild abuse

bright brown eyes land on the sign that says _‘welcome to riverdale’_ before it goes swinging past in a blur, and for reasons cheryl blossom cannot begin to explain, her heart begins to pound even harder and her palms begin to sweat profusely.

 

she lets out a shaky breath, and it doesn’t go unnoticed by her fiancé. archie andrews immediately turns his head to look at her with a frown, one hand on the wheel and the other reaching out to grip cheryl’s that’s resting on her thigh. he clasps her hand in his own, bringing it to his lips and pressing a kiss to the back of it before he offers her a small smile.

 

“everything okay, honey? you’ve kinda been silent since we left new york.” archie says firmly, sparing another glance at her before his eyes return to the road, their interlaced fingers coming to rest over the gearshift. 

 

“yeah…yeah, everything’s fine.” cheryl says quickly, offering him a quick smile to reassure him.

 

“are you sure? was it your therapy session yesterday?” archie asks, a small frown playing on his face as cheryl gazes out of the window and avoids any and all eye contact with him. 

 

“no, no, my therapist, she’s…she’s great. i guess i’m just feeling a little ill.” cheryl lies easily even though she hasn’t stopped having a panic attack since they first got in the car over three hours ago.

 

she’s not worried about toni telling archie anything, not only because it’s technically illegal for her to do so, but because toni had promised her she wouldn’t, and for whatever reason…cheryl trusts her word. but regardless, she hadn’t told archie anything about toni being her therapist, and she feels like she should tell him, but at least this way, there’s no way archie can try to get something out of toni, and there’s no chance of toni telling archie because he won’t know what the hell she’s talking about. besides, she has bigger things to worry about this weekend…

 

she has to have lunch with her parents on sunday.

 

_god, this was a bad idea, i should’ve just told archie i’d rather stay in new york…_

 

she can’t pin point a specific reason why she’s anxious, because there’s a million reasons why her heart is racing and pounding against her ribcage, why it hasn’t calmed down in over three hours and her stomach is starting to ache because of it. 

 

it’s the idea of meeting with her parents that’s the lead reason, she knows it is…but it’s also the fact that she’ll be seeing toni for the first time outside of her office and outside of any therapy sessions…that she’ll be seeing toni as a normal goddamn person for the first time, and maybe it’s something that shouldn’t make her feel this nervous or excited, but she can’t deny that she’s eager and curious to see what toni is like when she isn’t doing her job. 

 

she doesn’t know what it is about toni that’s so goddamn appealing, but the charisma on that woman is something cheryl’s never witnessed before. the closest she can think of is jason: the boy could easily swing a crowd or a conversation his way with a few simple words and a charming smile, but toni was somehow able to make cheryl feel calm just by being around, and she can’t explain it at all.

 

“alright, here we are…casa andrews.” archie says with a grin, pulling cheryl out of her thoughts as he looks up at his childhood home with a look of pure enjoyment in his eyes that cheryl can’t help but smile at the sight of. she finds herself looking up at the home with her own sentiments, remembering the times she’d come here with archie, days spent curled up on the couch in the living room with his head in her lap when they were in high school…back when her mind had felt so clear. the cheryl blossom from eight years ago would’ve loved the position twenty five year old cheryl was in right now, and yet…

 

archie pulls up into the driveway, flicks the headlights off and turns the key to shut the engine down while cheryl takes off her seatbelt and steps out of the car. she goes around the car to the trunk just as archie exits the car, opens it up and pulls out their bags, which archie automatically reaches for with a smile just as the porch light flicks on and the front door opens.

 

fred andrews exits the house with a lopsided smile lighting up his face, watching as archie makes his way up the porch steps with a wide grin before he drops the bags at his feet and immediately envelops his father in a hug.

 

“hey, son...god, it’s good to see you.” fred says with a light laugh, hugging archie close and patting his back as archie does the same.

 

“good to see you too, dad.” archie murmurs, pulling back and looking at his father with nothing but admiration, and as soon as cheryl’s up the stairs, fred opens his arms out to her with a soft smile.

 

“hey, cheryl.”

 

“hi, fred. it’s good to see you…thank you for letting us stay for the weekend.” cheryl says kindly, wrapping her arms around the man and immediately finding a sense of calm in his arms.

 

fred was always like a second father to her, particularly on nights where cheryl would come to archie’s for refuge after an argument with her own father…ones that usually resulted in bruises on her arms from him gripping her too hard. not that archie or fred ever knew about it…cheryl hasn’t spoken a word to _anyone_ about the abuse she’d suffered at the hands of her parents when she was younger, not even her own twin brother.

 

she has no doubt in her mind that fred, jason and archie would _murder_ her parents if they knew. that’s just the kind of men they were…fiercely protective and capable of so much goddamn love. the complete opposite of her parents when it came to her.

 

cheryl lets out a shaky breath as fred hugs her close and pulls back to take a good look at her, looking her up and down with a frown before he turns to look at archie with a raised eyebrow.

 

“you’ve lost weight, why aren’t you feeding her?” he says sternly, prompting cheryl to chuckle as archie looks at him with wide eyes.

 

“hey, i feed her!”

 

they continue bantering, but cheryl kind of tunes them out, because she wasn’t really even aware that she has lost weight since she last saw fred about two months ago when he came to new york to stay with them for a job. her mother always kept a close eye on her weight growing up, making sure she never went over a hundred and twenty five pounds, and once cheryl went to college, it just became her norm. she hasn’t felt the need to weigh herself lately, she’s never really needed to…but she’d be lying if she said she hasn’t skipped meals sometimes just because of all the stress and anxiety about the wedding and-

 

“cheryl, does that sound okay?” archie says suddenly, pulling her out of her thoughts once again. cheryl blinks once and looks up at him, and finds herself nodding even though she has no idea what he just asked. 

 

“yeah, sure.”

 

“alright then, let’s go order some pop’s.” fred says with a wide grin, clapping archie’s shoulder as he does.

 

“god, i miss pop’s food, order the whole damn menu, dad…”

 

they make their way inside, their voices trailing off as cheryl finds herself moving straight to the stairs that lead up to archie’s room while her fiancé and his father head into the kitchen, archie giving her a small smile before he disappears around the corner. cheryl carries her bags up, sighing as she turns left down the hallway and steps into archie’s old bedroom.

 

the second she pushes the door open, she finds herself smiling. everything is the exact same as when archie was in high school…his football trophies hanging on a shelf, his old computer still resting on the desk and his jersey in a frame nailed to the those blue walls…god, nothing’s changed. 

 

except her…

 

cheryl’s eyes move over to the bed, the blankets tucked in and two pillows resting at the headboard, and she finds herself blinking back tears as more memories begin to flood her.

 

prom night. coming back here after the post prom party at chuck clayton’s house, the both of them slightly tipsy, but feeling so good after the amazing night they’d had, dancing and laughing with their friends…cheryl can still remember the pride that had swept through her when she and archie had been named prom king and queen. 

 

it had been such an amazing moment, and cheryl felt like she was on top of the goddamn world. but as soon as they came back here, to this goddamn bedroom…everything changed.

 

archie hadn’t pressured her, of course he hadn’t…if anything, it was _cheryl_ who wanted to do it, but feeling archie touching her body in ways he hadn’t before…everything had become so much more _real_ because of it. make out sessions and a quick grope of her chest never made her feel queasy, but archie pulling the zipper of her dress down before he had pressed kisses all over her bare shoulders and back definitely had. cheryl had chalked it down to the alcohol she had, even if they had both only had about two drinks the entire night. 

 

she still does. because any other possibility doesn’t make sense. to be _disgusted_ by being touched by someone she loved…it doesn’t make sense.

 

it’s not that archie isn’t attractive, because he is, and he’s such a good goddamn person, god, he was so patient with her…he had waited _months_ at cheryl’s request, hadn’t complained once about it, but cheryl still felt the pressure to see it through. it resulted in that night not being special for her whatsoever, and cheryl finds herself blinking back more tears as she remembers the way she had bit down on her bottom lip so hard, she had almost drawn blood when archie had held her close and moaned into her ear that he loved her for the first time, his naked body pressed against her own as he held her so goddamn gently…

 

it was painful. in more ways than one. physically, emotionally, mentally…

 

but she pushed through it. because it made archie happy. and she knew her staying with him would make her parents happy, that her being with him and marrying him and having his children would make everyone happy…

 

archie had had his face buried into her neck, hadn’t seen the tears that had fallen down the sides of her face and into her hair when she had repeated those three words back to him in a shaky breath without feeling them in the same way that he did, the young man mistaking the fear in her voice for excitement and passion.

 

she did love archie back then. she _does_ love archie now. she knows she does, she loves him, she’s _in love with him_ , she is…

 

_of course you are. he’s your fiancé, cheryl, stop being pessimistic._

 

she loves him. she does, she loves him, she loves him so much…

 

she can’t imagine her life without archie andrews. he’s been a part of it for eight years now, the thought of losing him hurts more than anything ever could…

 

“hey…everything okay?” she jumps at the sound of archie’s voice right behind her before she feels his arms wrap around her waist from behind, and she lets out a shaky breath before she does her best to smile and nod, turning slightly to rest her forehead against his temple before she closes her eyes and lies just as easily as she has been for the last twenty five years of her life.

 

“of course, archie. everything’s fine.” 

 

\--------------------------

 

“you’re way too wound up, you know…”

 

archie’s rough fingers immediately begin to pinch and squeeze her shoulders, only causing them to tense up more as cheryl lets out a shaky breath and shrugs out of his touch as gently as she can, but the rejection still affects archie, because he winces and looks at her with concern as she tries her best to smile at him.

 

“sorry, arch…it’s nothing, i’m fine.” cheryl manages to get out, her voice small and barely audible as archie’s hands move down her arms soothingly, a soft smile taking over his face.

 

“cheryl, you know you can talk to me about anything, right? i just wanna make sure you know that...” archie says lightly, fingers interlacing with her own as he gives them a reassuring squeeze that only makes cheryl feel worse, the guilt gripping her tightly and refusing to let go, but she blinks back her tears as best as she can and simply nods a few times, her teeth worrying her bottom lip in a desperation not to let her tears fall.

 

cheryl has no idea why she’s so goddamn nervous about seeing toni right now, but she feels it has something to do with the fact that archie still has no idea that he’s essentially building the vacation home of cheryl’s therapist. a part of her keeps telling her that this isn’t that big of a deal, but her heart hasn’t stopped pounding from the second they got in the car this morning. archie and fred had talked the entire ride, completely oblivious to cheryl’s panicking in the backseat. she tries to calm herself down, finds herself twirling her engagement ring over her finger five times before fred makes his way over to them with a yellow hardhat on and a tube of some sort in his hands.

 

they’re standing in the middle of an empty lot on the southside of riverdale, except it isn’t empty at all like cheryl was anticipating. there’s already framing for the house put up, wooden poles and panels all over the place, something that fred and his team had apparently managed to do within two weeks. cheryl’s impressed with how quickly things are getting done, but fred apparently needed archie for more help because he wanted to get the job done before the wedding so he could help with preparations.

 

cheryl swallows down more guilt as fred claps archie’s shoulder with a grin before the sound of a motorbike roaring out echoes closer and closer.

 

“ah, there she is…”

 

cheryl’s head snaps up on her fourth rotation of her ring, looking up just as a motorbike turns the corner of the street and comes to a slow stop in front of the lot, the small figure on top of it turning the key and kicking the stand on the side down before it swings a leg off of it and reaches for the helmet on its head.

 

as soon as it comes off, brown and pink locks immediately cascade down a leather clad back, and when she turns, toni looks up at the house with a wide grin on her face as she places the helmet onto the handle of the bike and hikes her bag up onto her shoulders more securely.

 

“hey, toni!” fred calls out, holding a hand up in greeting with a smile as toni makes her way over to them. she’s wearing ripped jeans with black combat boots and a shirt with the american flag on it, her leather jacket looking worn and dirty and her brown and pink hair braided in some sections. she looks so insanely different, and yet…so insanely the same.

 

the only thing that truly hasn’t changed is her face, still glowing, still as beautiful as ever as she comes to a stop in front of them with a chuckle, her eyes on fred as she holds her hand out to shake his.

 

“mr. andrews, it’s good to see you again, i still can’t believe you guys have gotten the framing down already…it looks amazing!” toni says, her eyes roaming all over the lot in awe as she takes in what will become her vacation home. fred chuckles before he lets go of her hand and claps archie’s shoulder once more.

 

“this is my son, archie, he’s gonna be helping me on this project so we can move it along quicker for you. shouldn’t take more than three months, toni, we’ll be working around the clock on it.” fred says with a smile, and toni shoots a quick glance at cheryl before she’s looking archie up and down, almost observing him while archie holds his hand out with a grin.

 

“nice to meet you, toni.” he says cheerily, prompting a chuckle out of the pink haired girl as she takes archie’s hand in her own with a grin of her own.

 

“nice to meet you, too. heard a lot about you…all great things.” she says, looking to cheryl and winking at her as cheryl feels her heart begin to race erratically against her ribcage.

 

_oh god, oh god, oh god…_

 

“ah, come on, dad, you gotta stop boring people, talking about me all the time...” archie says with an awkward laugh, looking to his father instead of cheryl, who immediately looks to toni and gives her a simple shake of her head. toni’s eyes widen in surprise, but she clears her throat quickly and chuckles before simply shrugging.

 

“your dad loves you. he’s, uh…very proud of you.” she murmurs, a slight frown on her face, and cheryl's thanking all the gods she knows that fred andrews is not like her father, that fred andrews really _does_ love his son with the power of a thousand suns because he doesn't even attempt to claim toni's statement is false. he just grins and looks to archie with pride as archie lets go of toni’s hand and wraps an arm around cheryl’s waist, the other gripping his father’s shoulder with a wide smile. toni watches him do so with a sudden smirk that only grows wider the longer she stares before she looks to cheryl with a soft smile.

 

“and the beautiful redhead to your right?” she asks, her voice so much softer than cheryl anticipated, and the red head simply finds herself smiling shakily before she exhales and holds her hand out.

 

“cheryl...i’m archie’s fiancée.” she manages to squeak out. she’s so nervous, and she doesn’t even know why, but suddenly…

 

toni takes her hand, and god, the second they make contact, cheryl feels something crawl up her spine that she’s never felt before, her breath hitching at the impact of those soft fingers in her own. but archie and fred don’t notice, the older man pulling out what looks like a blueprint from the tube in his hands as he knocks his construction hat up a little higher to see.

 

“now, toni, i wanted to discuss something with you, if i can grab you for a second.” he says, looking up at her, but cheryl and toni are still looking at each other, eyes locked before toni exhales shakily and lets go of cheryl’s hand, the redhead immediately missing the warmth as soon as she does.

 

“sure, what do you need?” she asks, finally dragging her gaze away from cheryl’s to look at fred with a smile. fred opens an arm out to lead her away, and archie’s about to follow before he turns back to look at cheryl with a soft smile.

 

“hey, we’re just gonna be talking about boring construction stuff…you can join if you want-.”

 

“no, it’s okay, i…i think i’ll go grab a coffee.” cheryl says simply, drawing her eyes away from toni’s retreating figure before suddenly, the petite brunette turns around with a grin and suddenly swings her bag over her shoulder and pulls open the zip.

 

“think you can grab me one, too? the ride here was long this morning.” toni says with a chuckle, making her way over to them and holding out a twenty that cheryl hesitates in taking. 

 

“i…yeah, of course-.”

 

“i’m fine, honey, i don’t need anything. dad?” archie asks, looking up at his father, who simply shakes his head before archie smiles and presses a swift kiss to cheryl’s cheek.

 

“hurry back.” he teases, tapping her backside with a chuckle as cheryl’s breath hitches from the contact, but she rolls her eyes and smiles affectionately all the same as she looks to toni, who watches archie walk away with a smirk of her own.

 

“i’ll be there in a second!” she calls out to the two men before turning back to cheryl.

 

“i’ll walk you to your car.” she murmurs. cheryl’s heart turns cold, but she nods regardless, prepared to get the third degree as she makes her way off the lot on slightly shaky legs towards hers and archie’s car parked in front of toni’s motorbike.

 

toni trails behind her slowly, and cheryl knows she’s going to ask why she didn’t tell archie that toni is her therapist, she knows it’s coming, and she tries to come up with an answer, but fuck, she doesn’t even _have_ one-

 

“i’ll just get a long black with one sugar. you can use the twenty for yourself, cheryl, i don’t mind.” toni says simply, and cheryl finds herself coming to a stop abruptly with her keys in her hands and her thumb hovering over the unlock button.

 

she looks to toni in surprise and finds the woman staring at her with a raised eyebrow and a smirk.

 

“what?” she asks with a chuckle. cheryl doesn’t even know what to say, her mind spinning wildly before she clears her throat and unlocks the car, reaching for the handle of the driver’s seat door quickly.

 

“i…nothing, it’s nothing-.”

 

“cheryl, i’m not gonna ask you why you didn’t tell archie, it’s not my place. but are you okay with not telling him?” toni says softly, opening the driver’s seat a little more for cheryl as the redhead steps into the car and grips the steering wheel tightly without even noticing how her knuckles turn white from the pressure.

 

“i…yes, i am. i don’t want to worry him, toni, there just…isn’t a point.” cheryl says with a sigh, finally unclasping her fist from around the leather to run her fingers through her hair. toni watches her with a frown before she purses her lips and nods slowly.

 

“or this way, he doesn’t ask questions about you to me.” she says simply, looking at cheryl knowingly, causing her to bite her bottom lip before suddenly:

 

toni grins widely.

 

“smart woman, miss blossom…he’s handsome by the way, i can see why you’re attracted to him.” toni says with a chuckle, prompting cheryl’s smile to fade and her heart to ache, but she simply nods and drops her gaze down to the keys in her hand. 

 

“yeah…” she says thickly, unable to really think of anything else to say, and if toni picks up on it, she doesn’t say anything, simply closes the driver’s door as cheryl turns the car on and rolls the window down with a shaky exhale.

 

“cheryl?” toni says suddenly, causing cheryl to look up at her through the window with her hand hovering over the gearshift. 

 

“yes, toni?” she croaks out. toni smiles and leans in, resting her forearms on the window as her teeth chew at her bottom lip in hesitation.

 

“nothing, i…i just wanted to say you look really pretty today.” she whispers softly, the smile that takes over her face almost lighting up the entire car as cheryl swallows the lump that forms in her throat at her words.

 

she…toni thought she was pretty? 

 

_well, lots of people think you’re pretty, you’re always getting complimented-_

 

but why does toni saying it hit her so differently?

 

“i…thank you.” cheryl manages to breath out, smiling as she fumbles with her seatbelt and quickly clips it in desperation to get as far away from here as possible. toni steps back with that slight smirk still plastered on her face, and cheryl throws the car into drive, pulls the handbrake down and all but slams her foot onto the accelerator, desperate to get as far away from toni right now as she can even though her heart is kind of begging her to stay.

 

she keeps her eyes on the road, refuses to look at toni in the rearview mirror as she takes a few deep breaths in and heads straight for the nearest drive thru. she contemplates just heading to the northside, because she highly doubts there’s any good coffee places here on the southside, but once she passes a corner and finds a coffee shop, she parks on the side of the street instead of heading to the northside, not wanting to run into anyone she knows when she’s feeling this flustered right now.

 

the last thing she needs is some small town gossip to be spread about cheryl blossom looking worse for wear.

 

she takes a few deep breaths in before she jumps up and enters the coffee shop, quickly placing her order to a girl with two eyebrow piercings and blue lipstick on who looks like she’d rather be anywhere else but here. cheryl finds herself watching the girl make their coffees, nervous that the girl might spit into them out of spite.

 

she has no clue why toni telling her she was pretty had such an effect on her, but she hasn’t been able to calm her heart down since she left that goddamn driveway almost ten minutes ago. cheryl finds herself contemplating the possibility of so many different things before she quickly washes those thoughts away with a quick shake of her head.

 

she hasn’t had those thoughts since college, she isn’t about to start having them again now-

 

“hey, lady! your order!” the girl barks, holding out a tray with two coffees to cheryl, who jumps up from her chair and grabs it with a muttered ‘thank you’ before she walks back out towards her car. 

 

when she gets back to the home, archie, fred and toni are standing at the front of it, all of them talking with smiles on their faces as cheryl pulls up to the sidewalk and parks the car, exiting a moment later and grabbing the coffees as she does. she makes her way over to them, the sight of toni and archie talking making her wince for some unknown reason as she comes to a stop in front of them and holds out toni’s drink to her with a smile.

 

“there you go.” 

 

“thanks…did you go to that coffee shop a few streets away?” toni asks warily, eyeing it with caution as cheryl pauses with her hand around her own cup.

 

“uh…yes?” 

 

“did you watch the girl make it?” toni asks with a smirk, looking up at cheryl, who blinks a few times before she purses her lips and nods.

 

“yeah, i did, she looked like she didn’t want to be there, i was scared she might spit into it.” cheryl says warily. toni belches out a laugh and cocks an eyebrow as archie and fred chuckle as well.

 

“the girl with the piercings, right? yeah, she doesn’t spit, but she does add condiments sometimes. i’ve tasted ketchup in my coffee from there on more than one occasion. actually didn’t taste that horrible, to be honest.” toni says with a grin. cheryl stares at her in shock, and archie laughs and wraps an arm around her waist as she opens the lid of her coffee and sniffs it once just in case. toni takes a sip, seems to determine there’s no ketchup and smiles before she holds her hand out to fred once more.

 

“thanks for everything, mr. andrews. your dedication is admirable, i can’t wait to see the finished product.” toni says, looking back at the home being built with a warm smile as fred shakes her hand with one of his own.

 

“well, i wanna get your home done before my son gets married so i can have all hands on deck for the wedding, you know?” fred says with a chuckle. cheryl bites down on her bottom lip, guilt gripping her once again as fred looks at her and archie with a smile. toni simply hums, her lips pursed as she looks up at cheryl before she averts her gaze to the ground with a nod.

 

“of course…uh, when’s the big day?” toni asks, looking up at archie, who grins and leans in to press a kiss to cheryl’s temple.

 

“four months! can’t wait to call this one my wife.” he says cheerily, squeezing cheryl’s waist lightly as she does her best to smile at him. toni hums once again, and she takes a long sip from her coffee before she clears her throat with a tight smile back to him. 

 

“congratulations. you look like a happy couple.” she says throatily. cheryl blinks back tears, tries her best to smile, because she doesn’t even understand _why_ she’s crying at those words, they _are_ a happy couple, but archie is none the wiser, simply nods in agreement before fred grips his shoulder and nods back to the house.

 

“alright, let’s start getting everything sorted for monday-.”

 

“monday?” cheryl asks in surprise, looking to archie, who winces before he sighs and takes her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze.

 

“i’ll talk to you about it later, okay? hang out with toni for a sec while i help dad.” he says, and before cheryl can say anything, he follows his dad back up to the house, leaving cheryl and toni alone at the front in an awkward silence.

 

toni watches her for a long moment, and cheryl simply distracts herself with her coffee, taking long sips before the anxiety of toni’s silence gets to her. she starts running her finger over the top of the lid, once, twice, three times-

 

“cheryl…” gentle fingers close over her own on top of the lid, a soft sigh escaping the pink haired brunette as cheryl looks up at her anxiously, teeth gnawing at her bright red bottom lip. toni smiles at her softly and steps a bit closer, glancing back at the house to make sure archie and fred aren’t nearby to eavesdrop on them.

 

“what’s got you so anxious?” she whispers, hooking her index finger over cheryl’s and brushing her thumb over the knuckle of it. cheryl lets out a shaky breath, unable to stop the tear that falls as she sniffs once.

 

“are you asking as my friend or my therapist? you’re not on the clock, miss topaz.” cheryl says with a throaty chuckle, and toni laughs as well before she drops her hand from cheryl’s and shoves it into the pocket of her jacket, the other still holding her coffee cup.

 

“hey, if you wanna have a free mini session right now, i’m available.” she says with a cheeky smile, prompting cheryl to laugh again as she shakes her head and looks down at her coffee cup with bright red cheeks.

 

“at this point, i don’t think i’ve paid you for any sessions. you’re basically counselling me for free.” cheryl jokes, not really wanting to get into her problems right now, but toni easily catches on to it, like she can fucking read cheryl’s mind as she slides a little closer and glances up at the house once again just to check.

 

“never heard someone complain about not paying a hundred and fifty bucks a session…but if it makes you uncomfortable, then i’m asking as a friend.” toni says slowly. cheryl licks her lips and uses her free hand to wipe away her tears as she looks back up at the house to see archie and fred are still inside, checking over a part of the framing with frowns on their faces. 

 

“i don’t know, toni…i just don’t know, i feel so lost right now...” cheryl whispers, unable to think of anything else to say, and toni simply nods before she looks up at the house, her eyes on the man in discussion as she purses her lips before turning to cheryl with a shaky sigh.

 

“i…i wanna help, cheryl. that’s what i’m here for, i’m here to help you. but maybe right now…right now isn’t the best time.” toni says with this tone in her voice that makes cheryl believe she truly is sorry for the fact that she can’t help her right now, and cheryl knows she can’t. they’re not back home in new york, safe in her office…they’re out in the open, within earshot of her fiancé, they can’t talk about her problems right now…

 

“do you think you can hold on until tuesday? we’ll talk about all of this then, cheryl, i promise. just hang on a little longer, okay?” she whispers back, reaching down to grip cheryl’s hand in her own and giving it a reassuring squeeze, something that makes cheryl’s bottom lip tremble, her heart aching as she simply nods slowly.

 

“i can wait…i can wait…” she says forcefully, willing herself to believe her own words as toni opens her mouth to say something, but stops when she notices archie and fred making their way over. cheryl turns her back and quickly wipes away any trace of tears, dropping toni’s hand reluctantly to do so before she sips her coffee as archie comes up to her with a smile, his eyes on toni once he slides an arm around cheryl’s waist.

 

“well, looks like we’ve got things sorted…you’ve picked the best people for this job, toni, i promise.” archie says with a grin, and toni smiles before she looks at cheryl, eyes locked on the red head before she nods slowly without taking her eyes off her.

 

“maybe i have, archie andrews…maybe i have.” 

 

\-----------------

 

“here, let me zip you up…”

 

warm fingers brush over her shoulder blades before they’re gripping the zip of her dress and sliding it up, and cheryl feels her shoulders relax a little into archie’s touch as he finishes pulling the zip up and grips her biceps, giving them a firm, reassuring squeeze.

 

“ready to go?” he whispers into her ear. cheryl purses her red lips, looks herself over in the mirror once more before she smiles and nods, and archie presses a kiss to the back of her head before he takes her hand and leads her out of his room, the both of them heading downstairs with cheryl’s heels tapping the wood loudly.

 

“we’re going out to dinner with jughead and betty, dad!” archie calls out.

 

“okay, son! have a good time! be back by curfew!” fred teases, calling out from the living room where the sounds of the tv blaring echoing out, and cheryl finds herself chuckling as archie rolls his eyes and leads cheryl to the door with a grin.

 

“just like old times, huh?” he teases. cheryl simply hums in response and tugs the lapels of her coat closer as archie leads her towards the car. 

 

the car ride there is silent, archie’s hand gripping cheryl’s as it always does, and cheryl finds herself smiling when they pull up to the only fancy restaurant within the small town of riverdale. she had a half a mind that they might be making their way to pop’s diner, seeing as jughead only ever ate there when they were teenagers…

 

as soon as archie parks the car, they both step out, archie walking around the car to take cheryl’s hand before they make their way into the restaurant and ask for the table they reserved. when they make their way over, jughead and betty are already there, the both of them standing as soon as they see cheryl and archie making their way over.

 

“cheryl!” betty calls out, smiling widely as she holds her arms open, and cheryl immediately hugs her close with a smile.

 

she and betty had been quite close during high school, but the truth is, despite being cousins, they’ve never been that kind of ‘best friends who are inseparable’ level of close…but still, cheryl finds herself missing betty often. the girl was full of so much care and passion, who loved so deeply with everything in her, it was hard not to smile whenever she was around…

 

“hi, cousin betty.” she breathes, welcoming the warmth from her, pulling away from her to see her smiling with nothing but love as archie and jughead share a bromance moment before they swap.

 

“hey, jughead…” cheryl hugs him close with a smile as he rubs her back soothingly, and cheryl glances up at his hair with a cocked eyebrow and a smirk.

 

“where’s the infamous beanie?”

 

“i left it at home. this place is too fancy for it.” he says with a grin. cheryl laughs as archie pulls back from his hug from betty, all four of them taking a seat before cheryl notices there’s another empty seat beside jughead.

 

“is someone joining us?” she asks in confusion. jughead nods once as archie claps a hand to his forehead and sighs.

 

“ah shit, i knew i was forgetting something! jughead told me someone’s joining us, a friend of his who’s visiting town-.”

 

“someone talking about me?”

 

_oh god…oh god, please, no…_

 

cheryl’s heart sinks, her eyes moving up to see none other than toni topaz make her way over to them wearing a tight black dress with her brown and pink hair held up in a loose ponytail, chocolate brown eyes taking in the sight of cheryl and archie before her with nothing but surprise before she grins widely.

 

“well…definitely wasn’t expecting to see you two again today!” she teases. archie laughs and stands before he holds his hand out to her, clearly not as perturbed by this revelation as cheryl is.

 

what is she doing here?! how…god, how-

 

“this is a nice surprise, it’s good to see you again, toni.” he says cheerily.

 

“i hope you guys don’t mind me crashing your reunion dinner, i’m only in town for a few days and jughead invited me-.”

 

“oh, that’s fine, we don’t mind at all, right, honey?” archie says, looking to cheryl, who simply nods and drops her gaze down to her plate slowly. 

 

toni…here. her therapist, here, having dinner with them, god, _this cannot be happening-_

 

cheryl can’t be around her. she can’t put her walls up around toni, because toni knows she’s faking it, and god, it’s like those brown eyes of hers can see into her soul so deeply, cheryl just feels herself breaking apart every time she meets them, and that _can’t happen here_ , this isn’t fair-

 

“how do you three know each other?” betty asks with a smile. archie chuckles and nods to toni once with a smirk.

 

“i’m helping dad build her vacation home! we just met this afternoon, actually. how do you know toni, jug?” he asks, reaching for his glass of water on the table just as the waiter comes by to ask for their orders. cheryl quickly flips open the menu and selects the first thing she sees, a mushroom risotto, and archie takes his time reading through the menu before he orders a steak with a side of salad. cheryl glances up just as toni orders a simple chicken ceasar salad, and when toni makes eye contact with her, she offers cheryl a small smile as jughead and betty order as well.

 

cheryl returns it somewhat shakily, sighing as the waiter takes their menus and makes his way to the kitchen before jughead clears his throat and looks to toni with a warm smile.

 

“well, to answer your question, archie…toni and i grew up on the southside together. we, uh…we lost contact when i moved to the northside, but a few years passed and toni suddenly came knocking on my door with a grand plan to build a rec center for the kids on the southside, keep them out of trouble. dad and i helped her, and well…we run the place now, and she helps fund it.” jughead says brightly.

 

cheryl blinks a few times in surprise, staring at toni, who takes archie’s cheer of praise with bright red cheeks and bows her head bashfully, simply nodding a few times before she shrugs.

 

“it’s not that big of a deal-.”

 

“yes it is, toni. you changed the southside completely with that rec center. who would’ve thought you’d be the one to do it, huh?” jughead says, nudging her slightly with a teasing tone as toni simply laughs softly. cheryl finds herself looking to toni with intrigue, wondering what exactly jughead means by that. 

 

why is it so strange for toni to have done something so thoughtful? so selfless? everything cheryl’s seen of the girl so far has proven that’s exactly the kind of person she is…

 

_you don’t even know her, cheryl…she hasn’t said one thing about herself to you…_

 

well, she is cheryl’s therapist, it’s kind of hard to learn anything about the girl when cheryl’s busy talking about herself and her own problems…but she wants to know more about toni, she does-

 

“so, why did you guys lose contact for a few years?” archie asks, taking another sip of his water and reaching for cheryl’s hand that’s resting on top of the table.

 

jughead glances at toni almost nervously, his throat bobbing before he clears his throat, while toni simply smiles, eyes fluttering closed before she stands with a chuckle. 

 

“hmm…an answer for when i come back. i’m going to the bar to grab a drink.” she says simply, reaching for her purse on top of the table, and before cheryl can even think about what she’s doing-

 

she stands.

 

“i’ll come with you. i could use a drink, too. do you want anything?” cheryl asks archie quickly, barely waiting for his reply of ‘a beer’ before she’s making her way around the table to toni, purse clutched in her right hand. they walk to the bar in silence, but as soon as toni orders an espresso martini and cheryl orders a beer and a vodka tonic, they take seats at the bar and wait patiently.

 

“so…this is a surprise.” toni murmurs. cheryl sighs and turns to face her with a slightly awkward smile.

 

“i still get nervous at the idea of you and archie being around each other…” she murmurs, fiddling with her engagement ring, turning it over once, twice, three times-

 

“cheryl…” toni’s hands move over her own to stop her, a soft sigh escaping her that forces the redhead to look up with a sheepish and apologetic look on her face.

 

“sorry…force of habit.” she croaks out. toni smiles sympathetically before she leans in a little closer, licking her lips as she does, cheryl unable to tear her gaze away from the action, pink tongue running over full lips…

 

“i won’t say a word to archie about anything unless you want me to, cheryl. you have my word-.”

 

“i know…i know…” cheryl breathes, closing her eyes and letting out a shaky breath before she feels toni squeeze her hand tightly to reassure her that she’s telling the truth. and she knows toni is, she knows…

 

“i feel…i feel like i can’t pretend around you, toni. i can’t pretend to be okay like i have been because you _know_ i’m not…” cheryl croaks out, opening her eyes slowly and watching as the therapist sighs before she purses her lips and nods slowly.

 

“i usually wouldn’t encourage someone putting walls up around the people they love, but something tells me you’re a very special case, cheryl blossom. you…you do what you need to do. i’ll play along accordingly. ball is in your court, cheryl, you’re in control.” toni says in a low voice. cheryl swallows the lump in her throat and closes her eyes again, nodding in agreement as she contemplates toni’s words.

 

she’s in control…she is, she’s in control, she _has_ to be…

 

cheryl’s pulled out of her thoughts by the sound of a low chuckle, and she opens her eyes to see toni biting down on her bottom lip before she glances back at their table with a frown.

 

“do…do you think archie’s gonna ask me that question again when we get back?” she asks in a low voice. cheryl licks her lips and simply shrugs, and toni lets out a deep sigh before she turns back with a slightly troubled look in her eyes.

 

“it’s not a question i really wanna answer.” she mumbles. cheryl bites down on her bottom lip with hesitation, wanting to ask toni why she doesn’t want to, and she decides to bite the bullet and ask.

 

“why don’t you wanna answer it?” cheryl asks. toni swallows thickly before she simply shakes her head.

 

“i don’t think archie would like the answer i give him…i don’t think _you’d_ like the answer i give him, either.” she croaks out, the hand clasped with cheryl’s twitching before she goes to move it out of cheryl’s grasp, but the redhead holds on, not quite ready to let go of the warmth of their skin touching as she gives toni’s wrist a reassuring squeeze with a smile.

 

“i’ll distract him. don’t worry.” toni looks at her in surprise that quickly turns to a smile as she moves her hand out to give cheryl’s hand a quick squeeze back.

 

“thank you.” she says softly. cheryl ponders her for a moment, wondering what’s so haunting about toni’s past that she doesn’t want to share it when the bartender slides their two drinks in front of them, popping the cap on a beer and handing it to cheryl, who hands him a twenty and tells him to keep the change.

 

“you paid for my coffee, remember?” she says to toni with a smile, prompting the therapist to chuckle as she lifts her drink off the bar top and the two of them make their way back to their table.

 

archie smiles as cheryl places her beer in front of him, and before archie can turn to toni, cheryl sits down beside him and rests her hand on his arm with a tight squeeze.

 

“arch, you should tell toni some stories about what jughead was like on the northside.” she teases, smiling at the man in question in front of her, who blinks before he groans and shakes his head.

 

“oh god, no, come on…” he begs as archie’s eyes glint wickedly, a loud laugh escaping him. cheryl looks to toni, who grins widely before she mouths ‘thank you’ to her. cheryl simply nods, smiling widely with her heart fluttering as archie launches into a story about the time jughead got caught being a little too investigative about one of the other players on the football team who he was convinced had a drug problem. 

 

“reggie was definitely taking steroids-.”

 

“he was not, jughead, _you_ just couldn’t believe he managed to tone up over one summer.”

 

“of course not, he went from a scrawny kid to one with an eight pack, archie! he _had_ to have had help!”

 

the rest of the dinner consists of archie and jughead swapping stories, betty and cheryl chiming in every once in a while with toni watching and observing, drinking in every word with a laugh or a smile or an exclamation of surprise at all the right moments. it’s pleasant, and it’s definitely one of the most relaxing dinners cheryl’s ever had, the night filled with laughter and fun. 

 

but unfortunately, it has to come to an end, and as ten o’clock ticks around and all five people at the table are full of dinner and desert, and a brief spat between jughead and archie about who will pay for the dinner (which ends with jughead relenting and allowing archie to pay), betty and jughead stand and bid archie, cheryl and toni goodnight, making their way to the front door of the restaurant. toni stays behind politely until archie gets his credit card back, and stands when cheryl and archie do, the three of them making their way to the front door as well.

 

“thank you, archie. dinner was amazing, i had a great time.” toni says with a smile, unravelling her jacket from her hands and slipping it on as archie chuckles with a quick shake of his head.

 

“hey, my pleasure. gave me a good opportunity to get to know you a little better, considering i’m gonna be spending a lot of time building your vacation home.” he teases. toni chuckles, and cheryl frowns in confusion for a moment before toni makes eye contact with her as she zips up her jacket, her frown quickly turning to a smile, which toni returns before she looks to archie.

 

“so i’ll see you on monday, archie?” toni says with a smile, prompting cheryl to look at him in surprise. archie winces, but smiles and nods once before toni suddenly makes her way over to her bike parked a few spots away from cheryl and archie’s car. cheryl tilts her head in wonder, watching as toni hikes her dress up to her mid thighs, and cheryl has to bite back a gasp.

 

_oh god, don’t look, don’t look…_

 

cheryl averts her gaze with her cheeks reddening by the second as toni grabs her helmet on the handle and holds it under her arm, slinging her purse over her shoulder and digging her free hand into it for her keys. 

 

“i’ll see you guys later! cheryl, we should catch up when you get back to new york!” toni calls out, giving her a slight smirk with a look in her eyes that has cheryl physically stopping herself from rolling her eyes as she purses her lips instead and nods once. toni raises a hand in goodbye before she shoves her helmet on and puts the keys into the ignition, the bike roaring to life. archie waves goodbye with a grin as toni takes off, bike tires squealing on the asphalt before she disappears off onto the road.

 

cheryl watches her go, and before she can say anything, archie sighs and turns to look at her with an apologetic look on his face. 

 

“hey, so…i should’ve brought this up earlier, but…i’m gonna be staying in riverdale while i help dad build toni’s place, cheryl.” 

 

oh.

 

cheryl blinks a few times in surprise, her heart pounding as archie takes her hand and lifts it to his lips to press a kiss to her knuckles.

 

“i’m sorry, honey, but the sooner we get that place built, the sooner i can come back home and we can focus on the wedding, i know i’m gonna be gone for a couple of months, but it just makes sense to stay here-.”

 

“no, it’s…it’s fine, archie. it does make sense, you’re right…” cheryl says with a weak smile, her mind reeling at this new revelation as archie sighs and suddenly cups her face in his hands with a soft smile.

 

“you think you can make the drive back to new york on your own?”

 

“yeah, course…” cheryl mutters with a roll of her eyes that causes archie to chuckle as he kisses her temple.

 

“i’m gonna miss you. but i can come and visit on the weekends, or you can come down here to see me, we’ll be okay. and hell, maybe it’ll be good for us in the long run, spending some time apart before we spend the rest of our lives together.” he teases. cheryl feels her stomach turn at those words, but she pushes it down, _forces_ herself to as she smiles and nods in archie’s hands before pushing herself forward to press a kiss to his lips, one archie happily returns with a wide smile.

 

“i’ll miss you too.” she says truthfully, sighing as she rests her ear over his heart and wraps her arms around his waist tightly, closing her eyes and finding comfort in his embrace. 

 

because as conflicted as she feels about…god, _everything_ , one thing she knows for sure is that she does love archie, and the thought of not being with him for the next couple of months does make her a little anxious. archie had a way of calming her down sometimes, the thought of him not being there is a little panic inducing…

 

but the thought of having the apartment to herself and the excitement it draws far outweighs it, and that thought only makes the guilt grow deeper as she tightens her hold and buries her face into his chest with a whine in an effort to stop her mind and her heart from hurting. 

 

\-------------

 

“cheryl, you’re cutting the tomatoes wrong.” 

 

the sound of her mother’s sharp voice has cheryl instantly wincing as she hovers the knife over the cut tomatoes with her bottom lip caught between her teeth and an unbelievable anger surging through her.

 

_well, the peace lasted all of five minutes…_

 

“they’re going into a blender anyway, mother. what does it matter?” she says through slightly clenched teeth, her grip on the knife tightening as penelope blossom makes her way over to her with a frustrated sigh, sipping on her champagne glass and looking to the chef in the room with a roll of her eyes.

 

“i don’t know why you accepted her help, chef paulo, she’s useless. cheryl, let him handle the food, please.” she mutters, waving her hand at cheryl nonchalantly, and paulo makes his way over to her, looking at her apologetically as he goes to take the knife from her hands, but cheryl simply drops it onto the cutting board with her lips pursed to stop herself from screaming. 

 

she’s only been here for an hour and she’s already had to fight the urge to rip her hair out five times. the second she had walked in, her mother had embraced archie as if he was her own goddamn son and had simply pursed her lips and wrapped an arm around cheryl, patting her back with a glass of champagne in her hands while her father had simply pressed a kiss to her temple and clapped archie on the back, barely looking at his daughter as he did. she glances out of the kitchen window to the outside area where clifford and archie are sitting and smoking cigars, laughing and drinking whiskey from crystal glasses. archie looks slightly uncomfortable being around luxury like this, something he’s struggled with for years since he started dating cheryl, but he’s putting on a brave face for her, and she finds herself smiling fondly, glad that he’s at least here with her. 

 

cheryl and her mother had moved to the kitchen as soon as archie and her father had gone outside, and cheryl had said her hellos to chef paulo, a man who’s been working for her family since she was five before she had offered to help him out.

 

clearly, that was a mistake, because her mother hasn’t stopped nitpicking every little thing she’s done since then.

 

god, she knew this was going to be a mistake, she _hates_ being back here. as much as this is her childhood home, this place is a goddamn nightmare. every room contain memories she’d rather forget, memories of her being screamed and yelled at by her mother and father, memories of them hitting her, slapping her for even the smallest things, like speaking out of turn or god, just even attempting to yell back in order to defend herself…

 

they never did anything when jason was around, and with his popularity in high school, it wasn’t often that her twin brother _was_ home. he was out almost every night, was allowed to return until almost midnight while cheryl would receive a beating if she was even one minute late past curfew…

 

none of it was fair, but cheryl’s never blamed jason for any of it. she just doesn’t understand _why_ , why her parents treated her so _differently_ from him, why he was allowed to get away with anything and everything under the sun while she was punished for it-

 

“have you chosen your bridesmaids yet?” penelope drawls, pulling cheryl out of her thoughts as she watches chef paulo dice the tomatoes quickly before he throws them into the blender while cheryl washes her hands at the sink and quickly dries them onto a towel.

 

“not yet.” she murmurs. she hears her mother tut in disapproval almost immediately.

 

“cheryl, i messaged you earlier this week-.”

 

“and you said you booked the dress fittings for the nineteenth of next month. i have plenty of time.” cheryl says stiffly, gripping the counter top and digging her nails into the marble. she knows josie and betty are going to be bridesmaids for sure, but she knows her mother won’t be happy if she only has two, and considering she needs to pick a maid of honor as well-

 

“have you picked a color scheme? flowers? have you and archie gone cake testing? have you done _anything_ that i asked you to do?” penelope says with a slight hint of anger in her tone as she drains her champagne glass dry and moves to the fridge, grabbing the bottle and popping the cork to pour herself some more. 

 

“we’ve been busy with work, mother, we don’t have time to do all of that. just pick anything, archie and i don’t really care-.”

 

“you know, cheryl…you continue to disappoint me.” her mother sighs, eyes downcast onto the bottle as she fills her glass to the top and corks the bottle back up, placing it back into the fridge before she turns to look at cheryl in disdain and this hint of _something_ in her eyes that immediately has cheryl’s entire body freezing up.

 

cheryl sees paulo pause and his shoulders tense up in her peripheral vision, but he continues with his work without a word as cheryl tries to calm her racing heart down.

 

the chef knows. and so does she. she knows what usually follows these words…penelope saying she’s disappointed, that cheryl continues to _defy_ her…

 

“mother, i’m trying my best-.”

 

“your best is not good enough! as always!” penelope hisses, slamming the fridge door shut almost violently and making her way over to cheryl on slightly stumbling feet with nothing but rage shining in her eyes. cheryl swallows the lump in her throat and blinks back her tears, forcing herself to keep her gaze locked with her mother, but as always…she relents.

 

she drops her eyes down to her feet, shoulders almost up to her ears as she digs her nails further into the marble with a shaky exhale.

 

“i’m sorry-.”

 

“why is it…that you appear to be less than enthused about the idea of marrying the man you’ve been with for eight years now, cheryl? why is there no glimmer of happiness in your eyes? why do you continue to put your father and i through the torture of moping around like we’re not giving you the wedding of your dreams?” penelope growls lowly, resting her champagne glass on the counter top beside cheryl’s hand as the girl flinches and blinks back more tears, still avoiding eye contact.

 

_please…please, just stop, it’s been years, she can’t do this to me, not again-_

 

“i…i’m just going through s-some things-.”

 

sharp nails dig into her biceps, clutching her tightly and harshly and causing her to jump with a whimper, face contorted in pain as penelope’s grip only grows stronger and stronger with each passing second before she’s gripping cheryl’s chin and forcing her gaze upwards to meet her eyes.

 

“you…are not going through _anything!_ you are walking down that isle in four months time and you are marrying that boy, do you hear me, cheryl marjorie blossom!?” penelope spits out in anger, her hand returning to her other arm and squeezing so harshly, cheryl can almost feel the blood flow being constricted in her arms as she bites down on her trembling bottom lip and nods repeatedly in defeat and submission.

 

“y-yes, mother!” she squeaks out, tears falling down her cheeks before she can stop them as penelope looks her up and down with nothing but disgust.

 

“if i hear a single goddamn _whisper_ about you having second thoughts about any of this, you won’t like the consequences, is that understood?” she threatens, voice as menacing as ever as cheryl simply nods furiously and bites back a whimper of pain when penelope all but squeezes down to the bone.

 

her mother huffs before she finally lets her go and picks up her champagne flute once more, and as much as her arms are throbbing, cheryl doesn’t dare move to rub them, hands glued to the counter top and her whole body shaking as penelope’s lip curls before she makes her way out of the kitchen, stopping at the door to turn back and look at chef paulo with a smirk.

 

“don’t let cheryl help you again, chef paulo…lest we want the food to be burned and destroyed.” she drawls, making her way out of the room and leaving a trembling cheryl in her way, who immediately rubs her sore arms with a gasp of pain and a choked out sob as soon as she’s gone.

 

it’s been _years…_ why now, why now when cheryl already feels as low as she can possibly be right now-

 

“miss cheryl…” chef paulo sighs and makes his way over to her, resting a hand on her shoulder sympathetically like he has so many times before as she simply looks up at him with a shaky smile.

 

“i’m okay…it’s okay, just work on the food, paulo.” she croaks out, glancing down at her arms to see sharp nail marks denting her pale flesh beneath the short sleeves of her shirt, the skin already turning black and blue…

 

chef paulo sighs, but says nothing more as he moves back to the cutting board with a shake of his head, and cheryl purses her lips and wipes away her tears, continuing to rub her arms as she forces herself not to cry. she sniffs once and pinches her sleeves down to hide the marks as she turns, her eyes landing on archie still sitting outside with her father, a relaxed smile on his face as he laughs and takes a sip of his whiskey, unbeknownst to the fact that his future wife was just abused less than ten feet away from him…

 

_it’s not his fault, cheryl…you know if he knew about it, he’d say something…_

 

she doesn’t understand why her mother has done this, penelope hasn’t touched her in almost nine years, why…why _now_ is she suddenly putting her hands on cheryl again, hurting her again, what did she do wrong? god, she’s doing everything they want, she’s getting married to archie, she’s…she’s doing everything they want…why now when she’s already so miserable, when she’s already at a point right now where everything is crumbling around her and she’s trying so desperately not to fall apart…

 

“miss cheryl, do you want me to get your fiancé for you?” chef paulo asks softly, and cheryl simply shakes her head in response before she pushes herself away from the counter and makes her way to the stairs, desperate to get to her old bedroom and as far away from her mother as possible. 

 

she thinks about her session on tuesday with toni, and finds herself praying for the days to come faster so she can get as far away from riverdale as possible and finally see the only person outside of archie that she can trust again.


	4. you need this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is a lil shorter, but the next one is gonna be a doozy so...heh.
> 
> not to say this one isn't a doozy, cause...it is. filler chapters aren't my thing apparently.
> 
> uhhh HAPPY FECKIN CINCO DE MAYO, and also, i hope you enjoy this one! maybe i'll be able to update again this week, maybe not, i'd rather not make promises because your girl gets called into work quite a lot and it fucks up my whole writing schedule, but anyway...we'll see.
> 
> twitter: @endofdaysforme. leave a comment letting me know what ya think! bye now!
> 
> TW: the comp het is strong in this chapter :(

arriving back home in her apartment after work without archie there is almost like a breath of fresh air, and cheryl feels horrible for thinking that way, but she’s just so glad to get away from riverdale and away from her parents, so glad that she doesn’t have to pretend to put on a smile and a happy persona, that she’s safe to just _be herself_ in her own goddamn home that she finds herself immediately rushing to the balcony the second she walks through the doors, her hand fishing through her purse for her cigarettes as she does. 

 

she pulls one out of the pack and immediately lights it, drawing in a deep, shuddering breath and sighing in relief when the nicotine hits her brain, making her feel incredibly lightheaded. she sinks down against the glass railing and glances down at her arms, lifting the long sleeves up with a wince as the tight fabric moves over the bruises on her arms. they look worse today, black and blue blotches around where penelope’s hands were, and cheryl realizes she’s going to need to wear a long sleeved shirt for at least the next week or so to avoid any questions…

 

she can’t believe she’s being forced to do this once again, she feels like she’s back in high school, picking out long pants or jeans and long shirts every morning to hide the bruises on her body from both jason and the rest of her classmates...except this time, she isn’t a defenseless fifteen year old, she’s a goddamn adult, and yet here she is…beaten and battered once again thanks to her parents…

 

the rest of that goddamn lunch had been torture, cheryl’s arms throbbing well into the night while her mother rattled on and on about the wedding, and she had only shut up once archie told her he was working on a job that would have his full attention for the next two or so months, the woman giving him a sickly sweet smile before assuring him she'd handle all the planning if need be, like cheryl was just a fly on the wall who didn't get a say in her own goddamn wedding.

 

cheryl had practically begged archie for them to leave at that point, and as soon as she'd gotten back to fred andrews's place, she'd packed her bags again, desperate to get as far away from riverdale and her parents as possible. but of course, when she had said her goodbyes to archie, she had barely managed to make it to the town border before she couldn’t take it anymore, pulling to the side of the road and breaking down into tears and choked out sobs for almost a good half an hour before she composed herself enough to continue the journey home alone.

 

she’s so tired of hiding all of this, but it’s not like she has much of a choice. the idea of telling anyone about the abuse she’s suffered at the hands of her parents just makes her anxious. she’s contemplated telling jason numerous times, but her twin brother loves penelope and clifford so much, the thought of bringing to light the monsters they were makes her flinch every time she thinks about it. she’ll never understand why they cast him in such a beautiful light while they simultaneously throw her into a deep pit of darkness, why they revere him as a god while she’s nothing more than the dirt beneath their shoes, but the idea of telling jason and having him get mad at them, having them drag him into the darkness with her…

 

she loves him too much to do that to him. and besides, it's not like her and jason are that close anymore...of course they were when they were kids, but as he grew up and joined the football team and got his own friends, jason became more and more distant, and now he lives all the way in los angeles with his girlfriend, overseeing the family business from there while cheryl's stuck in new york simply working for her father's office, the promise of promotions and being made head of the family business here constantly being dangled in front of her by the man himself, but never being acted on. jason didn't _understand_...every time cheryl tried to talk to him about her frustration, he brushed it off and told her that her time would come. and every time cheryl tried to tell him that it wasn't going to happen, that their parents _hated_ her and that truthfully, she didn't _want_ to be head of the company here anyway, jason would call her crazy and tell her to get some rest and sleep it off.

 

he's not the same understanding brother he once was...he's not the little boy who used to hold her when she'd have nightmares and brush her tears away and promise her he'd always be there for her. he grew up, became the golden boy and thrived on the attention, to the point where now, he'd do anything to keep it that way...including leaving cheryl behind.

 

but he's still her brother at the end of the day, and she still fucking _loves him._ but if she can’t even tell jason, her own twin brother, about the trauma she's suffered, who else left is there to tell? certainly not archie, he’d either kick her father’s teeth in or decide that she was just too much to deal with, break off the wedding and leave her, which would probably result in her parents beating her until she was either no longer conscious or dead.

 

_you could always tell toni…_

 

the thought of the pink haired girl causes her heart to immediately begin pounding against her chest wildly, teeth gnawing at her bottom lip anxiously as she gazes out at the setting sun over the new york city skyline.

 

god, if toni were to ever find out…well, it’s pathetic, isn’t it? she’d more than likely tell her to grow a pair, suck it up, and tell her to tell her parents to go screw themselves. who the hell has ever heard of a twenty five year old woman being abused by her parents? cheryl’s embarrassed about it, finds herself blinking back tears as she pulls her sleeves down and lets out a shaky breath. 

 

it’s frustrating, but what the hell else can she do? she’s been a victim to them for so many years, at this point, it’s become normal. and what exactly can toni do for her? the damage is done, there’s nothing more that can be said to fix or change it…toni can't wave a magic wand and change her whole life with a couple of therapy sessions and a few encouraging words.

 

she’s weak. she has been from day one, and god, cheryl hates to admit it, but it’s the goddamn truth. she’s useless, and as much as toni had told her she was in control, she’s not. her entire life has been about her following orders to make other people happy, obeying like a good little girl, 'do this, cheryl, do that, cheryl, don't disappoint us, cheryl'...she's never been good enough. 

 

and no amount of therapy sessions is going to change that.

 

but she's not taking these sessions to wail and whine to toni about her past, to cry about her situation and pity herself for it, she’s here to make sure her future doesn’t involve spending the rest of her life wallowing in a depression that she can't even begin to understand. she wants to just get to the root of the problem, find a way to get over it so she can move on with her life and get married to archie…make her parents happy once and for all so they stop this incessant need to bully and vilify her.

 

cheryl sniffs once and wipes away her tears before she feels her phone beginning to buzz in her back pocket. she pulls it out, smiles at archie’s name at the top and clears her throat before answering, trying her best to keep her voice from shaking as she does.

 

“hi, arch…” she croaks out, scratching absentmindedly at her brow and gazing down at her cigarette apprehensively, guilt gripping her that she’s smoking when she knows archie disapproves of it so strongly-

 

“hey, honey! you sound a bit sick, is everything okay?” archie asks with worry almost immediately, prompting cheryl to simply lick her lips as she clears her throat again and chuckles as best she can.

 

“no, no, i’m fine, you, uh…just woke me up from a nap.”

 

“oh! i'm sorry! long day at work? how are you holding up without me?” archie asks, breathing heavily and prompting cheryl to raise an eyebrow as she takes a drag from her cigarette with her frown, glancing down at it ironically.

 

“i’m okay…why are you so out of breath?” she asks, again not missing the irony of the question.

 

“dad and i are still on site, still working hard. toni’s here, too, actually…think she wants this place built quickly just as bad as we do.” archie says with a chuckle. cheryl’s heart drops at the mention of toni, and she swallows the lump in her throat and simply smiles as best she can.

 

“oh…tell her i said ‘hello’, and make sure you don’t overwork yourself-.”

 

“i won’t, cheryl, don’t worry.” archie says with amusement clear in his tone. cheryl sighs and licks her lips, but says nothing more, hears archie call out to someone before he sighs loudly in her ear.

 

“anyway…how was your day? how was work?” he asks softly. cheryl shrugs and simply tells him she’s okay and it was boring as usual, lets archie talk about his own day before he tells her he has to get back to work.

 

“i’ll call you tomorrow, honey. oh, and toni wanted me to tell you she’ll be back in new york tomorrow if you wanted to have coffee with her?” he asks. cheryl blinks a few times, trying to process what he’s just said. what is toni playing at, they’re already meeting up tomorrow for her session-

 

_oh…oh, she’s good…_

 

“i…sure, that’s fine.” 

 

“alright, i’ll give her your number! bye, honey, sleep tight, okay?” archie says sweetly, and cheryl’s eyes widen as she barely manages to get out a goodbye before archie hangs up, leaving her cursing under her breath before she hangs up properly and finishes off her cigarette, tossing it over the side of the balcony and letting the smoke billow from her mouth and nose.

 

great…now toni has her number. she’s not actually going to text her, is she? she knows toni's covering for her by telling archie they'll get coffee, and cheryl has to admit, it's pretty good...this way she's technically not lying to archie about seeing toni, he just won't know it's because of their therapy sessions...

 

she stands and makes her way to the sliding door with a sigh of frustration when her phone buzzes once again in her hand, prompting cheryl to look down at it with a frown.

 

**unknown number [17:52]**  
_heyyyyyy…it’s toni. thought i’d keep the façade up for you…you can thank me by maybe actually picking me up a coffee before your appointment tomorrow?_

 

she...actually texted her. is this even allowed? 

 

cheryl reads the message a couple of times over, a scoff of disbelief escaping her, but she can’t help the grin that spreads across her face as she cocks an eyebrow and begins to type out a snarky reply because she can’t help herself.

 

toni is someone she trusts, and after a life of not having many people she _can_ trust…she just can’t help herself.

 

**you [17:56]**  
_hmm, are therapists allowed to text with their patients so casually?_

 

she adds a little emoji of a face with its tongue poking out just to make sure toni gets that she’s joking around, and she suddenly finds herself watching anxiously as she throws the sliding door open and makes her way inside slowly while toni’s message comes through.

 

**unknown number [17:58]**  
_well, technically, i already have your number…it’s in my files back at the office, but i’m only supposed to use it for emergency situations…but i’m texting you as your friend right now, not your therapist. i am your friend too, right?_

 

toni adds an emoji of her own, a similar one to the one cheryl sent her, but with both the eyes closed, and cheryl finds herself actually laughing loudly before she smiles fondly and types out a reply. 

 

**you [18:01]**  
_yes, you are. but truthfully…thank you, toni. i appreciate you keeping it from archie for now, i really do. i’ll see you tomorrow, with your coffee in tow…be safe on your trip back home._

 

cheryl finds herself collapsing on top of the couch as she subconsciously saves toni’s number into her phone with a grin, watching the three dots pop up and disappear a couple of times before toni’s reply finally comes through.

 

**toni topaz [18:02]**  
_you’re welcome…and don’t worry, i always am. goodnight, cheryl. sweet dreams. xo_

 

cheryl bites down on her bottom lip to stop herself from grinning before she locks her phone and sets it down on the coffee table, her hand reaching for the remote of the tv, which she turns on, but barely acknowledges, the flashes of static not even registering in her mind.

 

she can’t believe how crazy the last week has been…how her life has so quickly become intertwined with toni’s. if she hadn’t decided to take josie’s advice to see a therapist, she would’ve met toni this weekend regardless…either way, they were destined to meet each other, it seems.

 

it’s such a crazy thought to cheryl, the idea that no matter which path she took, she was bound to come across toni at some point, but the more she thinks about it, the more it appears to be that way. and the more she thinks about it, the more she’s happy that this is the path she’s decided to take with toni.

 

having toni as her therapist…there’s something about toni’s work ethic that continues to make her feel safe, despite the fact that she’s only had two sessions with her. she has no idea if it's just toni's aura, this sense of calm about the woman that always makes cheryl feel like, for just a brief moment...all her troubles don't matter that much anymore. that for once, she can just be herself around someone and not have to always think about putting walls up to hide her pain or her sadness. she can just...be.

 

cheryl sighs and scratches her brow before she turns onto her back and simply gazes up at the ceiling.

 

she has no idea what tomorrow is gonna hold, but as anxious as she is…she’s ready to move past whatever is holding her back. she’s ready to move past this stupor she’s been in, ready to push through her problems and find a way to fix things, and toni’s the perfect person to help her. she’s understanding, and supportive, and caring, and god, is she beautiful, too…

 

she won’t let what happened this weekend get her down. as much as the bruises hurt, she’s determined to push through the pain like she always has, because it’s what archie deserves. she won’t marry him for her parents, she’ll marry him because she loves him and because she _wants_ to. screw this obstacle in her path, she’ll obliterate it no matter what…

 

whatever it takes.

 

\------------------

 

two sharp raps against a candy red colored door before:

 

“come in!”

 

cheryl smiles despite herself and pushes the door open, holding up the tray in her hands as she does.

 

“one long black with one sugar?”

 

“you, cheryl blossom…are a lifesaver. thank you!"

 

cheryl chuckles, the grin on her face as clear as day as she makes her way inside the office, where toni is seated behind her desk, pen in hand and writing down notes before she looks up at cheryl with an equally excited grin. she stands as cheryl hands her the coffee she just bought her, sipping on her own latte as she does before she takes her place in one of the seats in front of toni’s desk. toni finishes writing down whatever she’s writing down before she looks up at cheryl with a small smile and a light sigh.

 

"so...this weekend was crazy." toni says with a light chuckle, writing down something else as cheryl rolls her eyes, but smiles and lets out a shaky sigh before she nods.

 

"yes...i really wasn't expecting you to show up to dinner with jughead and betty." toni laughs softly before she simply shrugs once.

 

"jughead told me he was meeting up with some old friends from school who were in town, and my brain really didn't connect at all...it was a surprise seeing you guys there, too. but that dinner was fun, i enjoyed myself." toni says with a grin. cheryl nods in agreement.

 

"so did i...and thank you, toni. for not telling archie anything." cheryl whispers, fingering the lid of her cup and looking up at toni when she clears her throat and gazes pointedly at her hands. cheryl fights the urge to continue circling her fingers around the lid of her cup, swallowing thickly and curling her toes in her boots before toni takes a sip of her coffee and nods at cheryl.

 

"you're welcome, cheryl. this weekend actually gave me some insight...there’s a lot i want to cover with you today, some things i need to know about your life and your relationship with archie, if that’s okay?” toni asks with a frown, dropping her pen and leaning back into her chair before propping her feet up onto the desk casually. 

 

cheryl frowns, but simply shrugs once and nods.

 

“okay…”

 

she can feel her heart pounding at the idea of toni asking her a bunch of questions she’s likely not prepared to answer, but she tries her best to remain calm or to at least portray that she is as toni observes her for a few moments thoughtfully.

 

“when was the last time you and archie had sex?” 

 

cheryl almost chokes on her coffee as soon as that question leaves toni’s mouth, her cheeks turning bright red before she can begin to stop them as she splutters out an answer on pure instinct.

 

“i…that’s n-none of your business.” she blurts out, staring at toni in disbelief as the woman scratches at her brow absentmindedly with a deep sigh before taking a sip of her own coffee and tapping her feet together nonchalantly like she didn't just ask the world's most invasive question.

 

jesus, cheryl only got here like five minutes ago, and she starts off with _that-_

 

“cheryl, i’m trying to help you here. i’m trying to help you understand where the problems in your relationship and your life come from, i can’t do that if you’re not honest and open with me.” toni says calmly, prompting cheryl to wonder just when exactly toni topaz’s patience with her will run out, because the girl smiles at her sympathetically without any indication that it’s about to.

 

“i never said there was anything wrong with my relationship. there isn’t. archie is amazing.” cheryl says stiffly.

 

“fine. then you should have no problem answering the question.” toni says firmly back. cheryl glares at her for a moment or two before she clears her throat, rolls her eyes and finally answers.

 

“i…i don’t know…a while, i suppose.” cheryl murmurs, dropping her gaze down to her hands as she begins fiddling with her engagement ring, spinning it five times because _she has to_.

 

and for the first time, toni doesn’t stop her or comment on it. she simply watches unbeknownst to cheryl with a frown before she shifts in her chair with a sigh.

 

“if you had to guess?” she asks softly. cheryl purses her lips, keeps her gaze down and shrugs again.

 

“a few months…maybe five…or six…closer to seven…” she grumbles, the room suddenly growing hot as she licks her lips and sinks further into her chair from embarrassment. this is the last thing she was expecting and the last fucking thing she wants to talk about right now-

 

“is that because he’s not initiating it, or because you’re not initiating it?” toni asks calmly. cheryl’s foot begins tapping the ground, the room only growing hotter with each passing second as she simply shrugs again with a shake of her head.

 

“i don’t know…archie kept trying, i guess, but he’d always ask on nights i was really tired, and eventually he stopped, i…it’s not that big of a deal, he doesn't seem to mind."

 

this is something she really doesn’t want to discuss right now, especially not with toni, why the _fuck_ did she ask that, of all goddamn things…

 

toni licks her lips before she suddenly stands from behind her desk and makes her way around it, stepping closer to cheryl and holding her hand out for her to take. cheryl looks up at her apprehensively, and toni simply nods encouragingly, prompting cheryl to take her hand with a shaky exhale. 

 

“it’s not right, is it? doing it this way?” she whispers. cheryl stares at her in complete and utter confusion, and toni simply pulls cheryl up without another word and drags her over to the leather couch in the corner of the room, drops her down onto it slowly and motions for her to lay down, which cheryl does somewhat hesitantly as toni draws a chair and sits down beside her.

 

“more comfortable?” she asks once cheryl is settled down on the couch. she finds herself definitely breathing easier, the cold leather against her skin calming her instantly, but she begins turning her ring once again as she swallows thickly and nods once in response. toni sighs, watching her for a few moments before she suddenly jumps up from the chair-

 

and just drops down onto the ground beside cheryl, about a foot of space between them as cheryl looks over the couch down at her in surprise. toni grins up at her before she waves her hand nonchalantly.

 

“just getting comfortable, too. it’s all clinical, you know…you sitting in the chair and me behind the desk…it feels better just doing it this way, don’t you think? like we’re just friends catching up.” toni says with a shrug, extending her hands and spreading her fingers to gaze through them up at the ceiling with squinted eyes before she looks at cheryl with another grin.

 

cheryl finds herself grinning back before she collapses back down onto the couch and looks up at the ceiling with a deep sigh. she's right, it definitely feels less like she's being observed like a monkey in a cage this way, but she can't see toni's face and it's unnerving her slightly.

 

“so…you and archie haven’t had sex in a few months now…and i remember you telling me that this feeling you’ve been having has been getting worse over the last couple of months, right? because the wedding is getting closer and closer?”

 

cheryl simply hums in response and nods against the leather of the chair, and toni sighs again before she begins looking up at the ceiling through her fingers once more, as if she's trying to determine patterns and shapes between them.

 

“mmm…sex plays a big part in relationships, cheryl. not that i’m pressuring you to have sex with him, but i’d like to explore the reason why you don’t seem interested in the idea of it.” toni says with a frown, prompting cheryl’s head to snap up as she turns to look at her in surprise before she scoffs in disbelief.

 

“hey, it’s not that i’m not interested! i just…i don’t know, i’ve never really enjoyed having sex, okay?” she grumbles, avoiding eye contact once again and turning her engagement ring over five times once again as she flops back down onto the couch and gazes up at the ceiling.

 

where was toni going with this, what relevance does this have to anything at all? sure, she and archie haven't had sex in a while, but he hasn't complained...okay, maybe a few times he's tried to get her in the mood and he's sighed in frustration when she's shrugged him off, but it's not a big deal-

 

“is archie the only guy you’ve ever slept with?” toni asks. cheryl sighs and gazes down at her engagement ring, her throat getting tight as she shakes her head.

 

“n-no…we broke up for a while when i started college and i…i slept with some random guy. i didn’t really enjoy that, either.” she whispers, closing her eyes and trying to focus on her breathing, because she knows toni is going to keep asking more questions about that, and she doesn’t want to go into detail about that year in college when she and archie were broken up…the things she did, they're things she can't speak of, things people can't know about her...

 

but toni is quiet, almost like she can sense there’s more that cheryl wants to say, and for the life of her, cheryl doesn’t understand why, but the secret that she’s kept so close to her fucking heart comes bursting out of her within five minutes of the silence between them, and as soon as it’s out, cheryl finds herself immediately panicking, because she doesn't understand why she says it.

 

it just... _comes out._

 

“i slept with a woman in college, too.” she manages to get out in barely a whisper. her chest constricts, the tightness almost unbearable as she bites down so hard on her bottom lip, she’s positive she’s drawn blood, the metallic taste flooding her mouth instantly.

 

_oh god…oh god, cheryl, cheryl, what the fuck did you just do? what did you do, you idiot! what…oh god, you fucking idiot, you complete fucking IDIOT-_

 

she hears toni shift on the floor beside her, and the woman is quiet for a long time before:

 

“did you enjoy it?” she asks, voice low and raspy, her timbre causing a shiver to run up cheryl’s spine and a whimper to escape her lips as she struggles to get air down before suddenly, warm fingers reach up and wrap around her wrist. 

 

_oh..._

 

this sense of calm immediately washes over her at toni’s touch, and she finds herself reaching with her other hand to rest it over toni's, almost like she's looking for some kind of security, some kind of safety net-

 

“be honest, cheryl…you’re safe, i promise. it’s just you and me here. just you and me...” toni whispers, index finger brushing over the skin of her inner wrist, and cheryl finds herself exhaling shakily, tears leaking from the corners of her eyes as she nods.

 

she's safe...she's safe, she is, she can speak freely, toni won't judge her, she won't-

 

“yeah…that i definitely enjoyed.” cheryl squeaks out.

 

_shut up, stop talking, please, stop TALKING-_

 

what if her parents find out? she’s never told _anyone_ , not a single soul about that time, oh god, what has she done-

 

“you’re safe…i need you to remember that, okay?” toni says softly. cheryl bites back another whimper and nods against the leather again, because she feels safe, she does...she always feels safe around toni...

 

but toni doesn’t move up to look at her, and doesn’t move her hand either as silence takes over once more. cheryl’s breathing slowly begins to calm down the longer toni rubs her fingers against her wrist, the longer she holds on to toni's hand before finally, she hears toni sigh shakily.

 

“cheryl, the questions i’m about to ask you…they might seem superficial, but i need you to look deeper and answer truthfully, do you understand what i’m asking?” toni says calmly, prompting cheryl to sniff back her tears as she gazes up at the ceiling and simply squeezes toni's wrist to let her know she understands.

 

“i…i think so.” toni squeezes her wrist back, but says nothing more. silence takes over again, and god, cheryl’s heart is racing so goddamn fast right now…

 

_you shouldn't have said anything, cheryl...you shouldn't have told her about that girl-_

 

“does the thought of archie excite you, cheryl?” toni finally asks. cheryl feels her whole body pull taut, almost every muscle in fight or flight mode as she stares up at the ceiling with wide eyes and tries her best not to panic. 

 

“wh…what do you mean?” she manages to get out, not quite understanding what toni's talking about, of course archie excites her, he's her _fiance-_

 

“does it arouse you…thinking of him?” toni says firmly, voice as calm and as still as water as cheryl immediately pulls her hand out of toni’s grip to reach for her engagement ring, turning it over five times because she _has to._

 

_turn it, five times, do it, do it now-_

 

“i…toni, i-.”

 

“answer truthfully, cheryl.” toni breathes. 

 

_one…two, wait, no, start again, one, two-_

 

“that...i d-don't-.”

 

“does being with him intimately make you feel flustered, cheryl? does it make your heart race and your palms sweat? does it make your body feel alive? does the thought of him touching you make you want to squirm in pleasure?” toni’s voice is low now, and cheryl has no idea how it happens or why, but this coil begins to tighten in her stomach at the sound of her voice, her legs clenching as she swallows the lump in her throat and somehow manages to just speak her truth without even acknowledging it.

 

“n-no…”

 

_what, no, he does, what are you saying, cheryl, stop it!_

 

silence again.

 

_one, two, three, four…five…other way now, start again, one…two, three, four-_

 

“have you ever climaxed during sex with archie? has he ever been able to turn you on with a single touch?”

 

_oh, **god-**_

 

“toni…” cheryl barely manages to whimper her name out, and before she can even process what’s happening, she hears toni shift beside her before her voice is right beside her ear.

 

“has he ever turned you on at all?” she whispers.

 

a shiver explodes up her spine at the feeling of toni’s breath hitting her skin, her eyes rolling into the back of her head, and she can’t contain it at all-

 

she jumps up before she’s gripping the back of the couch and pushing herself up off it into a seated position with a quick shake of her head.

 

“i c-can’t talk about this-.”

 

“why not?” toni asks with a frown almost immediately as she leans back and away from her.

 

“because i’m…i’m talking about my sex life with a woman i met just a week ago!” cheryl growls, shaking off _whatever_ the hell she’s feeling right now as toni grins up at her and leans back onto her elbows with a chuckle, this twinkle in her eyes like she's just confirmed something in her mind as she grins with a shrug of her shoulders.

 

“no, you’re talking about your sex life with your therapist, it’s different.”

 

“no, it’s not! and you j-just said, ‘it’ll be like old friends catching up’, so what are you, toni? my friend or my therapist?!” cheryl yells, unable to contain herself, her fury getting the better of her because she doesn’t fucking understand what toni wants from her right now.

 

why is she asking questions about her sex life? why is she mentioning her relationship with archie at all?! why...why is she having this affect on her, why is she doing this-

 

“cheryl…i’m whatever you need me to be. a therapist, a friend, a friend who is a therapist or a therapist who is a friend, hell, who cares? it doesn’t matter. you need to talk to someone, and i happen to be professionally trained in the art of talking. i’m here, so _use_ me how you see fit.” toni says with a simple sigh, but all cheryl can think about is the words she’s just said, and how they seem to be reverberating in a different way in her mind than what toni was probably implying-

 

_stop! stop it right now, you haven’t thought about this since college and you’re not going to start now!_

 

“i…look, it doesn’t mean anything, okay? i was experimenting and it w-wasn’t for me! i…i love archie, toni. i _love_ him, okay?” cheryl croaks out, watching as toni purses her lips before she nods once.

 

“okay, cheryl. i believe you. but are you _in love_ with him?” toni says simply without moving a muscle or even flinching at the words she’s just said.

 

cheryl’s mouth drops open in shock.

 

“i…how _dare_ you-.”

 

“answer the question, cheryl.” toni says calmly, shrugging once without taking her eyes off the redhead, who clenches her jaw and tries to force her body to jump up from this couch, to yell at toni to shove her hundred and fifty dollars where the sun didn’t shine and leave without a backward glance, but it’s like her body refuses to move.

 

every muscle is frozen as she glares at toni with nothing but hatred before she finally spits out an answer.

 

“yes.” she hisses, staring into her eyes as she says it with pride, back as straight as a board. of course she's in love with him, where the _fuck_ did she come up with that from? what has given her any indication that she's not in love with that man?

 

_who does she think she is?!_

 

toni purses her lips, observes her for a few moments before she finally pushes herself up off the ground with a sigh and a shake of her head.

 

“you’re not telling the truth, cheryl.” she says with a hint of disappointment, making her way back to her desk as she does.

 

“oh screw you, toni! how the hell would you know that-.”

 

“because i know when you’re putting up walls and pretending and when you’re not. i watched you at that dinner with jughead and betty, cheryl. i saw what you’re like when you’re pretending. not a single word you say reaches your eyes, not a single smile, or a single laugh. but when you’re being truthful? you avoid eye contact so no one can see the truth, so no one can see the sadness in your eyes and you start twirling your engagement ring, and the reason you start doing _that_ is because your problems begin with archie and your relationship with him…maybe there's something more there, but it starts with archie, and you’re just so _deep_ in denial, you can’t see it.” 

 

toni says it like she’s reading off a damn script, and cheryl is so fucking _shocked_ , she can’t even do anything but stare at her, eyes wide, mouth dropped open and her whole body frozen, not a single muscle even twitching while toni simply stares down at her with the faintest hint of a smirk.

 

“sound about right?” she says simply. 

 

_oh, this is ridiculous-_

 

“no. sounds about false, actually. nothing you said is true.” cheryl huffs, crossing her arms over her chest and prompting toni to chuckle before she collapses down into the chair in front of cheryl with a lazy shrug.

 

“well, you can think what you want, but i know i’m right. and i think deep down, so do you. i’m kind of good at this whole reading people thing.”

 

“then you should get your brain checked, because like i said, you’re wrong.” cheryl snaps angrily, her whole stomach turning with nausea as she turns her gaze, unable to look at toni for a second longer, glaring out of the small window in her office with nothing but anger coursing through her.

 

_she's...she's wrong, she's completely wrong, she has no idea what she's talking about, god, you don't even know if she's a therapist, you still haven't seen a fucking phd!_

 

“whatever you wanna believe, cheryl…i’m not trying to make you upset, i swear it’s not my intention. and i’m sorry for doing so, but there’s more here than you realize, and it’s part of what’s causing your issues, whether you like it or not.” toni says with a sigh, prompting cheryl to finally turn to look at her with her lips pursed and her arms still crossed tightly over her chest.

 

part of her wants to tear toni a new one, but instead…she just shakes her head, any ounce of fight in her body gone at the sight of toni staring at her like _that._

 

like she can see _right_ through her.

 

“whatever, toni.” she grumbles out, collapsing back into the couch with a sigh as toni licks her lips before she leans forward slightly with her head resting in the palms of her hands, elbows digging into her knees while she swings them back and forth.

 

“alright, let’s…move away from the subject of archie, it’s clearly a touchy one, and there’s actually something else i wanted to discuss with you, anyway…” toni says with a frown.

 

_god, what else can she possibly bring up..._

 

cheryl says nothing and simply waits for toni to talk, arms and legs crossed so tightly, she’s kind of starting to lose feeling in them as toni observes her for a long time before finally speaking up.

 

“cheryl, i want to go back to the beginning. i know it’s a cliché thing for a therapist to do, but if i’m gonna help you overcome your problems, i need to know your history. you told me you were diagnosed with ocd when you were five?” toni says firmly. cheryl nods once, clearing her throat and shifting in her seat slightly before toni’s next words make her heart clench.

 

“what was your childhood like?” 

 

_oh god…oh god, no, no, i’m not talking about this-_

 

the one thing…the one fucking thing she didn’t want to be brought up-

 

_no...no, this one, you keep your mouth **shut** , cheryl marjorie blossom-_

 

“i…average. n-normal childhood.” cheryl manages to stutter out, but of course, toni knows she's lying.

 

“cheryl…i need you to be honest with me-.”

 

“i am being honest with you. it was fine. loving parents, loving brother, white picket fence, the whole american dream.” cheryl spits out, teeth clenched, the lie escaping her as easily as it has for the last twenty five years as her eyes dart to the door, ready to make a quick escape if she needs to.

 

_no, you're not talking about this, cheryl, no way-_

 

“really?” toni says simply, eyes almost boring into her own.

 

only a second of hesitation from cheryl, and toni pounces.

 

“cheryl, these are things you need to talk about. i’m here to help, i promise. you don’t have to keep things from me out of fear that i’m going to tell someone, everything that happens in this room stays between us-.”

 

“there’s nothing to talk about!” cheryl snaps angrily, but her palms are starting to sweat now, the panic building as toni sighs in clear frustration, but stands from her chair and collapses onto the couch beside cheryl, reaching up to take one of her hands and tugging on it gently to make her uncross her arms altogether. 

 

her fingers slightly press on the bruise on her upper arm, and cheryl gasps softly, wincing at the pain and noticing the way toni frowns, but she doesn’t comment on it, simply looks at her for a while before she lets out a shaky breath.

 

“you’re repressing, cheryl. i don’t know what else i can do to show you that you can trust me, that you can talk to me about anything because _that’s what i’m here for._ i want to help, but i can’t do that if you won’t let me.” 

 

toni’s voice is so soft, cheryl finds herself almost immediately blinking back tears at the sound of it, the bruises on her arms throbbing painfully, and for some reason, she can’t seem to take her eyes off toni’s, brown eyes staring into nothing but warmth as toni’s fingers brush over her knuckles reassuringly.

 

“you can talk to me. i’ll never do anything to hurt you, cheryl…i promise.” toni breathes, lips lilting slightly into a gentle smile, and god…

 

as much as toni’s touch is calming, cheryl’s heart is racing too damn hard for it to stop now.

 

she’s panicking. she can feel it building in her chest, like a rubber band constricting her body, can feel it in her throat and the way air seems to struggle going down-

 

“m-maybe this was a m-mistake-.” cheryl manages to choke out, jumping up out of her seat and ripping her hand out of toni's grip, causing the pink haired girl to blink in shock at her for a few moments.

 

“what-.”

 

“this, all of th-this, coming to th-therapy…i don’t n-need it! i’m perfectly fine, this was all just some dumb freak out i had that made me think i needed to be here when i don’t! a hundred and fifty dollars an hour wasted and for wh-what? for you to try and pry into my life, bringing up things that d-don’t even matter-.”

 

“if it doesn’t matter, why are you getting so frantic, cheryl?” toni whispers, the look in her eyes filled with understanding.

 

cheryl _hates_ it. 

 

“i…i’m l-leaving. this was a mistake.” she makes her way over to the door, grabbing her purse from the ground next to the chair she originally sat in, and she’s surprised when toni doesn’t stop her.

 

in fact, she simply sighs, a look of sadness in her eyes before she nods solemnly and stands up, watching cheryl go with a weak smile.

 

“i won’t force you to come back, cheryl. but i strongly advise that you do. you _need_ this. there's so much there, so much you're repressing...you really, really need this.” she croaks out. cheryl stops with her hand on the doorknob, her heart pounding against her chest and her whole body trembling, tears falling down her cheeks before she can stop them, but she doesn’t dare look back at toni for fear of what will happen if she sees the look of disappointment in her eyes right now.

 

_get out, cheryl, please just get out-_

 

“no, i don’t. i don’t need this, and i don’t need _you._ goodbye, toni.” 

 

and with that, cheryl turns the knob and exits the room, slamming the door shut behind her without a backward glance.


	5. everything is just paint splatter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO FAM, HOW ARE WE FEELING AFTER LAST NIGHT'S EPISODE?
> 
> I'M STILL IN SHOCK AND STILL PROCESSING, BUT I SMOKED A BLUNT AND WROTE THIS CHAPTER, SO HEY, I'M GOOD FOR SOMETHING, RIGHT?
> 
> anyway, this chapter is HUGE. development wise, feelings wise, this is pivotal, so enjoy! it's a very emotionally heavy chapter, too, haha, don't ya just hate me? writing something like this when THAT episode happened just yesterday? i'm the worst, honestly, i don't know why you guys put up with me.
> 
> but as i was saying, this is a very emotional chapter, so tw for mentions of abuse, cheryl's deep diving, ladies and gents. it isn't gonna be pretty.
> 
> twitter: @endofdaysforme.
> 
> as always, you can reach me on there or leave a comment letting me know what you think! bye for now!

“you look like shit.”

 

cheryl glares up at josie over her coffee cup before she scoffs and trails her eyes back down to the message on her phone with a sigh.

 

“thanks, appreciate the compliment.” she grumbles. josie rolls her eyes, but the worry in them is clear as day as cheryl closes her mail app and places her phone back down onto the table with a tired and frustrated sigh.

 

her eyes are itchy from fatigue, her whole body feels like it weighs a ton, and she’s pretty sure the last time she had a decent night’s sleep was about a week and a half ago.

 

she hasn’t seen toni in about the same amount of time, too.

 

true to her word, cheryl didn’t book another appointment. she hasn’t had a session with toni in almost two weeks now, and the truth is…she’s fucking _miserable._

 

she misses her. she misses the playful banter they had during their sessions, and she misses having someone she could talk to freely and openly without judgement. she misses having someone to confide in, someone she could trust to keep her secrets, and more than anything…she just misses having toni around, as a friend and as a therapist. 

 

she’s slipping back into her zombie like state, and she knows it, but she knows if she goes back to see toni, it’s going to result in her confessing everything, and fuck, she’s just not _ready_ for that.

 

she can’t tell toni the truth. she can’t tell her that her parents are abusive assholes and that she’s never felt love from them in her entire life. she can’t tell her that she doesn’t know why she puts up with their bullshit, because the truth is, not even cheryl knows why she puts up with their bullshit. maybe it’s for jason, maybe it’s for them, maybe it’s for archie, hell, maybe it’s for herself, she honestly has no fucking idea at this point. she can’t expose herself, can’t break her walls down and tell toni these things about herself because what if toni uses them against her?

 

her parents have her whole fucking life, what’s stopping toni from doing the same?

 

god, she has no idea what she’s doing anymore, no idea what she’s feeling or why, but toni was helping and now she’s ruined _everything._

 

“cheryl, seriously, you look like you haven’t slept in days…why don’t you just go and see toni again-.”

 

“because i don’t want to.” cheryl lies stiffly, sipping her coffee and crossing her legs tightly, nails of her left hand digging into her own thigh harshly to stop herself from fleeing like she always does.

 

toni probably won’t accept her back, anyway, she pretty much ripped toni a new one, why would she even want to help cheryl anymore after what she said to her?

 

“well, the scary reality of therapy is that sometimes we don’t want to go, but we _have_ to. cheryl, i know i only saw you once or twice since you started your sessions, but you were showing signs of improvement while you were seeing her! but now, you’re back to how you were. she was _helping_ , why don’t you want to see her again?” josie asks softly, reaching out to grip her hand, prompting cheryl to lean away from her touch with a sharp intake of breath as she grabs her coffee with both hands now to stop josie from making contact just because she really doesn’t want to be touched by anyone right now.

 

“b-because, i…she tried to bring up stuff i don’t want to talk about! she’s pushy, and i don’t appreciate pushy people!” cheryl snaps, unable to contain herself, and josie rolls her eyes before she huffs and shakes her head.

 

“cheryl, she’s a therapist, of course she’s going to try and bring up things you don’t want to talk about! that’s kind of the whole point of therapy! talking about the bad shit so you can find a way to stop it from affecting your life! isn’t that what you wanted?” josie says firmly, cocking an eyebrow and smirking slightly at the way cheryl shifts uncomfortably before she clears her throat and scoffs.

 

“there’s just stuff i can’t talk about, josie. besides, archie’s building her vacation home, and it complicates things! he doesn’t even know she’s my therapist, and now we have to see each other outside of her office because of it!”

 

“so what?”

 

“so what?! it’s…it’s awkward! and she…she’s being unprofessional! she keeps talking about how outside her office, we’re friends! who the hell can be friends with their therapist!?” cheryl exclaims, trying desperately to find _something_ josie can agree with so she can let this conversation go, but josie simply laughs lightly and shrugs, sinking back into her chair and taking a sip of her coffee.

 

“i’m friends with her. i don’t think it’s a big deal.” cheryl groans, running out of things to say now, there’s just no way that josie can understand, that _anyone_ can understand-

 

_do you even understand, cheryl?_

 

josie grins triumphantly before she leans forward again and nudges cheryl’s knee with her own.

 

“you know what i think? i think you’re just scared to finally open up to someone. and toni’s one of the most understanding people i know. she probably can see right through you. and i get it, cheryl, i really, really do, it’s fucking _scary_ how easily she can break down people’s walls, and it’s terrifying talking to someone about your life, but if you won’t open up to me and you won’t open up to archie, your own fiancé, then you’ve _gotta open up to someone._ and who better to do that with than someone who’s legally obligated to keep her mouth shut about everything you talk to her about?” 

 

cheryl blinks back her tears and stares at josie for a few moments, teeth gnawing at her bottom lip anxiously as she spins her engagement ring around her finger five times because she _has to._

 

she really misses her...

 

"did...did you feel something...during your sessions with her, josie?" cheryl asks in a small voice, her mind not really processing why she's even asking that question as josie frowns and watches her for a few moments. 

 

"what do you mean by 'feel something'? she definitely made me feel better, made me feel like my head was so much clearer and i could finally sort through my emotions and stuff, really helped me tackle what was making me feel so unbalanced...is that what you mean?" josie asks softly. cheryl bites down on her lower lip in hesitation before she looks up at josie with a sigh, seconds away from shaking her head...

 

"i...never mind. don't worry about it." she mumbles. josie's frown only grows deeper, but she says nothing as cheryl licks her lips and takes a sip of her coffee to distract herself.

 

_just stupid thoughts...focus on what josie's trying to say, cheryl...you need to go see her again..._

 

cheryl knows deep down that josie has a point…toni’s promised her time and time again that anything they talk about stays between them, within the four walls of her office, but…cheryl’s spent her whole life living in fear of someone finding out, and it’s not like her parents have been so discreet about it just for fun…they don’t want anyone finding out, either, god only knows what they’ll do to her if cheryl speaks a word of it.

 

they’ve used fear and intimidation to control her for years, to the point where now…she’s just defeated. if anyone found out…

 

“i…the stuff she wants to talk about, josie…i don’t want to talk about. it’s stuff i _can’t_ talk about.” cheryl murmurs, licking her lips and dropping her gaze down before josie suddenly sighs and taps her ankle with her foot.

 

“okay…but regardless of whether it’s something you don’t want to talk about or can’t talk about…is it something you _need_ to talk about?” josie says softly. cheryl looks up at her in surprise, and josie simply smiles before she leans back into her seat with a firm nod.

 

“listen, i’m not gonna tell you what you should and shouldn’t do, cheryl, but toni was definitely helping you…you were smiling a lot more when you were seeing her, and there was something about you that was different. it’s like you were…i don’t know, lighter, or something.” josie says simply. cheryl purses her lips, but says nothing more as josie nods once, jumps up from her seat and finishes off her coffee.

 

“i’m just saying…think about going back. and don’t forget to come to the jazz bar i told you about on sunday! i’m performing at ten!” josie says excitedly, prompting cheryl to put on her usual fake smile as she nods once at her.

 

“i’ll be there, josie, i promise.” 

 

josie claps her hands and cheers loudly before she leans in and kisses the top of cheryl’s head, waving goodbye as she makes her way out of the café while cheryl sits there and runs her fingers over the top of the mug she’s holding, trying to wrap her mind around everything. 

 

she knows, deep down…that josie is right. toni was definitely helping her, and the truth is, cheryl misses not just her sessions, but toni’s company in general. but she knows toni is going to want to talk about her childhood…and cheryl knows she won’t have the strength to lie again.

 

can she do it, though? can she tell toni the truth about her parents? what if toni reports them? what if toni thinks she’s pathetic, loses all respect for her and tells her to leave? there’s just so much at stake here, cheryl’s too scared…she’s too scared to take that risk…

 

_but she was helping…she was helping, cheryl, she really, really was…_

 

it’s terrifying. but cheryl knows it’s the right choice to make. 

 

cheryl licks her lips, blinks back the tears in her eyes before she lets out a shaky sigh and grabs her phone.

 

she moves to her recent calls, sees archie’s name at the top before she inhales, exhales and scrolls down to the number for toni’s office.

 

midge answers on the third ring.

 

“midge? it’s cheryl…can i please book an appointment with toni for tomorrow?” 

 

\--------------

 

_knock, knock, knock, knock, knock._

 

“…come in.” 

 

cheryl takes a deep breath in before she pushes the door open slowly, peeking her head in to see those all too familiar paint splattered canvases on the wall before her eyes finally settle on toni sitting behind her desk, already looking up at her expectantly.

 

cheryl smiles as best she can and holds up the tray of coffees in her hand, but her whole body is already trembling and shaking like a leaf caught in wind as she makes her way into the office cautiously.

 

toni doesn’t speak for a long time as cheryl makes her way closer, and cheryl finds herself blinking back tears, terrified at what’s about to happen, oh god, is toni about to kick her out? cheryl wouldn’t blame her, not after what happened last week-

 

“cheryl…i’m really glad you came back.” toni whispers, looking up at her with this radiant smile and eyes filled with relief that has cheryl’s heart pounding against her ribcage as she lets out a shaky breath and places toni’s coffee in front of her with a nod.

 

“i…i’m sorry…for how i behaved-.”

 

“don’t be, cheryl. i understand completely, but i’m assuming that you coming back means you’re ready to talk about it?” toni says softly, reaching for the coffee and watching cheryl as she drops down into the seat in front of toni with hesitation.

 

“i…i think so. but i…god, toni, i…i d-don’t know-.”

 

“shh…it’s okay…” toni’s voice is filled with sadness, but also hope as she jumps up from her seat behind her desk and makes her way to cheryl, her coffee forgotten on top of her desk as she crouches down in front of cheryl, much to her surprise.

 

“do you wanna go to the couch?” she croaks out. cheryl simply nods, not quite trusting herself to speak because she’s pretty sure she’ll vomit if she does with how hard her heart is thumping, and toni takes her hand and helps her stand. they make their way to the couch, and cheryl sits down on it, looks up at toni with wide eyes as the pink haired woman smiles and sits down on the ground beside her, crossing her legs as she does.

 

“lay down, cheryl.” she whispers. cheryl licks her lips before she slowly lays down on her back, crossing her hands over her stomach and gazing up at the ceiling, listening to the steady sound of toni breathing beside her. 

 

it’s quiet for a long time, toni not even remotely pressuring her to talk. she just sits there beside her, expectantly waiting, and cheryl has no idea where to even start.

 

“i…toni, i…”

 

_fuck, i can’t do this, i can’t…_

 

“take your time, cheryl. i’m not going anywhere, i promise.” toni whispers. cheryl finds her hands twitching on top of her stomach as she gazes up at the ceiling, and when her fingers move to her engagement ring, she hears toni shift before warm fingers make contact with her own cold ones, the warmth causing an immediate shiver to run up her spine.

 

toni simply holds her hand to stop her from spinning her engagement ring, and the longer their skin is in contact, the more calm cheryl starts to become, her breathing becoming steady, her chest no longer constricting.

 

she can do this. she can, she can, she just needs to open her mouth, and…god, no, she can’t, toni’s going to think she’s so pathetic-

 

“you’re safe in this room, cheryl. you can scream, or cry, or lash out, you do whatever you need to do to get it out, but just know that you’re _safe._ i’ll never do anything to hurt you-.”

 

“i know…i kn-know, i j-just…” cheryl breathes out shakily and closes her eyes, tears falling from the corners and leaking into her hair as she swallows the bile at the back of her throat.

 

but again, toni is patient, doesn’t say a word, simply uses her free hand to brush away a stray tear that falls down cheryl’s temple into her hair with the back of her fingers before she squeezes cheryl’s hand tightly.

 

“take all the time you need.” toni whispers after a few moments.

 

cheryl has no fucking idea how much time passes, her mind spinning, a constant debate between if she should say anything or if she should just stay silent, but she doesn’t look at the clock out of fear that maybe her hour is up, because if she does, she’ll just close up again, and she’s so close, she can _feel_ it-

 

“ask m-me again.” she croaks out, voice hoarse from lack of use. 

 

toni inhales sharply, perhaps surprised by cheryl’s voice cracking through the prolonged silent air like a whip before she leans in just a little closer.

 

“ask you what?” she breathes. cheryl clenches her teeth, squeezes toni’s hand to stop herself from spinning her engagement ring, or pinching her skin, or slapping herself, all these impulses firing off in her brain, five times, do it, just do it-

 

“my ch-childhood, ask…ask me…” cheryl can barely get it out, she can feel how hard her body is trembling as toni simply grips her hand tighter to reassure her that she’s there, that she isn’t going anywhere, god, she really wants to pinch her skin, she has to, she _has_ to-

 

“what was your childhood like, cheryl?” toni whispers. 

 

six simple words, and cheryl breaks.

 

“it…it was _horrible_ , t-toni. the w-worst…the w-worst…” cheryl swallows thickly, unable to get anything else out as her vision blurs and her chest starts to constrict again, and toni goes to slip her hand out of cheryl’s grasp, but the redhead whimpers and clutches her hand closer, holding on tight enough to cause toni to wince as she leans in with a soft sigh.

 

“i’m gonna get you some tissues, cheryl. just breathe, okay? give…give me a second, keep breathing and i’ll be right back.” toni croaks out, gripping her hand close.

 

_no, don't leave, please don't leave me-_

 

“p-promise?” cheryl whispers before she can stop herself, prompting toni to smile as she nods without hesitation.

 

“i promise.” and with that, cheryl reluctantly lets her go, nodding furiously as she digs her nails into the leather beneath her body to stop herself from digging her nails into her skin-

 

 _do it, do it, five times, cheryl, please, you have to, you need to-_

 

“midge? can you cancel the rest of my appointments for the day and reschedule them for tomorrow, please?" toni calls out in a soft voice, prompting cheryl to lift her gaze up from the couch and turn around to face her, looking at her in shock to find toni standing at the door with her head poking out of it as midge yells out:

 

"you don't work on saturdays, toni!"

 

"i'll make an exception! tell them to book for next week if they can't make tomorrow!" 

 

silence for a few beats, before:

 

"okie dokie!"

 

“thank you!” toni says before she’s ducking back in with a smile, and she closes the door once more before making her way back to cheryl quickly, grabbing the tissue box on her desk and settling down beside her once more. she pulls a tissue out of the box and hands it to cheryl, who takes it in her shaking hands with a murmured ‘thank you’ ask she dabs her eyes clear of moisture, staring at the blackened smudge of her mascara on the white cloth with her bottom lip clutched between her teeth.

 

did toni seriously just cancel the rest of her appointments and make herself work on her day off just so cheryl could get extra time?

 

“go slow…tell me everything you can. don’t push yourself, you have all the time in the world now, okay?” toni says soothingly, pulling cheryl out of her thoughts before she can really process them.

 

cheryl can’t speak. her throat is closing up and she feels the room spinning around her despite the fact that she’s lying down, she can’t do this, she just can’t-

 

“t-toni-.” she chokes out, her hands flying up to her own chest, scrabbling at the material of her shirt and bunching it up between her fists, but toni doesn’t make a move to touch her again as she leans in a little closer. cheryl can’t see the expression on her face, and she’s _terrified_ to look away from the ceiling, she can’t take seeing the pity in toni’s eyes-

 

“what made it horrible, cheryl?” toni whispers. 

 

and again, with such a simple question, does cheryl find herself answering.

 

it’s like she can’t talk without being questioned first, without being prompted to speak before it’s all rushing out of her like a fountain of water, uncontrollable, irrational, everything bunched up inside before it’s spilling out, completely uncontained.

 

“my p-parents hate me, th-they…they think i’m a disappointment, a complete failure, and i kn-know you’re going to tell me i’m wrong, that i should talk to them or s-something, that maybe i’m reading it all wrong, but i’m n-not, toni, because they really… _genuinely_ h-hate me. i w-was the mistake, the child they didn’t want and n-never asked for, they j-just wanted my twin brother, jason, but god h-had to f-fuck me over by letting me join him in this world, and i…”

 

she draws in these shuddering, shaky breaths that truthfully make her entire chest ache terribly, her words trailing off into nothing as she attempts to find some ground to cling to, but her mind is racing and throbbing she can feel that bile rising in the back of her throat again-

 

_i’m gonna pass the fuck out, someone help me, fuck-_

 

“breathe, cheryl…you’re doing so well, just keep breathing for me…” toni coos softly, and for some reason at the sound of her voice, cheryl finds one of her hands unclenching from her shirt, flailing slightly in search for that warmth, that strength that she needs…

 

“h-hold my h-hand, p-please-.”

 

“shh, i’ve got you…keep breathing, cheryl…” 

 

warm fingers find her own, caramel skin contrasting almost beautifully against alabaster as toni interlaces their fingers and bends cheryl’s arm until her elbow is resting on the couch beside her body. cheryl closes her eyes and lets herself bask in the feeling of toni’s hand in her own, inhales through her nose and out through her mouth as toni begins using her other hand to stroke up and down cheryl’s forearm soothingly.

 

“there you go…what’s your twin brother like, cheryl? is he as attractive as you are?” toni asks with a slightly teasing tone, prompting cheryl to hiccup with laughter as she exhales shakily and nods once.

 

“y-yes, he is…but he’s also k-kind, and filled with so much love. he used to b-be there for me, all the time, no matter what, and i love him, i love him so much, but…but he d-doesn’t care about me like he used to, he…he has his own life and his own girlfriend in los angeles, and he’s succeeding with dad’s business so much, and…he n-never knew…n-never suspected…he still d-doesn’t know, toni, he still doesn’t know-.”

 

“what doesn’t he know, cheryl?” toni breathes, the grip she has on cheryl’s hand tightening as the redhead chokes on a sob and shakes her head as her bottom lip trembles.

 

“one wrong th-thing…one wrong thing and they’d…god, toni, i _can’t-_ ”

 

“breathe, cheryl. you can…you can, you’re so strong, look how far you’ve gotten already…you can do it, just keep breathing…what did your parents do to you, cheryl?” toni whispers, those fingers brushing up and down her forearm pressing just that little bit harder until cheryl lets out the words that have been resting inside her for twenty five years.

 

“they b-beat me, toni. mercilessly…for the sm-smallest things! being one m-minute late for curfew, sp-speaking out of turn or r-raising my voice or disagreeing with them about something, just…anything…and th-they…they still d-do, my m-mother…when i was in r-riverdale…she kn-knew something was w-wrong and she grabbed my arms s-so hard, it h-hurt, it h-hurt so much, it…it hurts, it hurts-.”

 

that band around her chest is back.

 

_oh god, someone get me out of here, please-_

 

“cheryl, here, come on, sit up!” 

 

before cheryl can even think, toni’s sitting on the edge of the couch by her waist and is gripping her hand before she’s pulling her up into a seated position, her warm hands letting her go before they’re reaching out to grip her face, thumbs brushing away the tears that fall down her cheeks while cheryl sobs and gasps for air frantically-

 

“cheryl, you’re having a panic attack, i need you to look at me.” toni says calmly, casually, like cheryl’s not five seconds away from vomiting all over her.

 

“i c-can’t-.”

 

“you can, come on, just look right at me, sweetie, that’s it.” cheryl’s swollen, blurred eyes lift up until toni’s fuzzy face comes into focus, those wide brown eyes filled with so much concern, as she smiles shakily and inhales through her nose before exhaling out of her mouth.

 

“watch me…copy me, come on, there you go…in…out…” cheryl does her best, breathing in slowly and trying to get some grasp on reality as toni continues brushing her thumbs over cheryl’s cheekbones.

 

“there you go…you’re doing amazing, cheryl. keep breathing, shh…i’m gonna get you some water, just keep breathing, okay?” toni jumps up, cheryl watching her as she struggles to breath, and toni dashes straight towards the counter in the corner of her office, fills a glass of water from a jug before she makes her way back to cheryl and hands her the glass.

 

“drink up, take it slow…” cheryl immediately lifts the glass to her lips, finds herself struggling to gulp the water down, choking slightly from the way her throat keeps clenching and unclenching before toni grips her shoulder and rubs it soothingly.

 

“slowly, cheryl, slowly…there you go, you’re okay…” cheryl doesn’t let the glass go until it’s drained, some of it spilling down her chin as she takes in a shuddering breath, and as soon as toni takes the glass from her hands and puts it on the ground, she’s looking at cheryl with these sorrowful eyes…

 

and cheryl finds herself letting out this loud, strangled wail before she’s collapsing forward, her forehead connecting with toni’s shoulder as her whole body just falls limp, her head heavy, her arms heavy, her _heart_ heavy.

 

_oh god, it’s out…it’s out, i finally told someone…_

 

the therapist blinks once in surprise before she’s ducking her head down to whisper into cheryl’s ear.

 

“can i hold you?” she croaks out. cheryl simply nods numbly against her, and the second toni’s arms circle around her, she’s breaking down into heavy sobs again, burying her face into toni’s shoulder as the pink haired girl rubs gentle circles into her back.

 

toni doesn’t tell cheryl’s she’s sorry, or that she sympathizes, or anything like that, and fuck, cheryl is so _thankful_ that she doesn’t. she’s not sure she’d be able to take hearing toni apologize for something she had no part in, not sure she’d be able to take hearing toni tell her she understands when she doesn’t, because even though cheryl knows nothing about toni or her past, how can she possibly understand the fear, the hurt, the anguish the last twenty five years have caused cheryl?

 

jason fucking _lived_ with her for those twenty five years and he didn’t understand…

 

it’s quiet for a few moments, cheryl taking her time to calm down before toni shifts, her hand rubbing up and down cheryl’s spine as she whispers into her ear.

 

“when…when you said she hurt you when you were in riverdale…” toni trails off, and cheryl gulps down a few mouthfuls of air before she nods her head against toni’s shoulder.

 

“the b-bruises just f-faded a few days ago…” she manages to croak out. she feels toni shiver against her before her hold on cheryl tightens, drawing her closer as her cheek rests against cheryl’s temple. 

 

“do you want to keep going? we don’t have to if you don’t want to-.”

 

“n-no, i…i need to get it out, t-toni-.”

 

“okay…okay, whenever you’re ready, you keep talking, alright?” toni says softly. cheryl nods against her again, arms hanging uselessly at her sides as toni doesn’t move an inch, just keeps holding her close…

 

cheryl feels this sense of safety wash over her with each brush of toni’s hand up and down her spine, her ear pressed against her collarbone as she listens to each breath toni draws in, the way her heart beats calmly against her skin, trying to distract herself as she opens her mouth and continues talking. 

 

“the f-first time it happened…i was f-four. my father, he got mad at me because i came into the house with muddy shoes.” cheryl barely says above a whisper, causing toni to lean her head down closer to cheryl so she can hear her as she purses her lips but stays quiet, not wanting to disrupt the flow in case cheryl retreats further into her shell because of it…

 

“he took his belt off and whipped the back of my thighs. i c-couldn’t sit for a week. my brother, he kn-knew about that one. he s-saw the bruises on the back of my legs, but he was only f-four, he was so s-scared it would happen to him, too…so the next beating, when i spoke out of turn at the dinner table, i stayed quiet. i didn’t want jason getting scared again…my shoulders were s-so sore, toni…and jason had a habit of gripping them, just to give me an affectionate squeeze, and i c-couldn’t tell him that every time he d-did it, i wanted to sc-scream in pain…” 

 

cheryl’s throat is aching at this point, voice hoarse and cracking on almost every word but she can’t stop now…twenty five years of anger and sadness and guilt and a million other things is rushing through her right now, and she just _can’t stop._

 

not now that she’s started…not now that someone is _finally_ listening…

 

“when i s-started school…that’s when my teachers noticed i had ocd…they t-told my mom and dad, made them take me to a doctor, but every time he recommended medication, they t-told him i’d grow out of it…but i n-never grew out of it, toni, i just got too scared to do anything. every time i knocked on the table five times or untied and retied my shoelaces five times, my mother would slap me, or my f-father would grip the back of my neck and tell me to st-stop-.”

 

“god, cheryl…” toni lets out almost involuntarily, this shaky sigh escaping her as she blinks back tears of sympathy and begins rubbing her free hand up over the material of cheryl’s jeans on her thigh soothingly. cheryl’s heart seems to stop, a shudder running up her spine and a fear gripping her that she can’t stop-

 

“i’m s-sorry-.”

 

“no, no, don’t be sorry, cheryl…you keep going when you’re ready, i’m right here, okay?” toni reassures her. 

 

_she’s not upset, cheryl…not at you…_

 

a few more moments pass as cheryl tries to collect her breath, her thoughts, and she buries her face into pink hair with a whine in an effort to hide her face, the embarrassment gripping her tightly, she doesn’t want toni to see her face right now…

 

“it g-got worse the m-more they beat me for it, but i started doing it when they weren’t around…my teachers got worried, but i begged them not to say anything…i t-told them i had it under control, but i never did…”

 

cheryl focuses on the sugary smell of toni’s perfume coating the skin of her neck, the scent still lingering as she swallows down the lump in her throat and pushes herself to keep talking.

 

“they st-stopped…when i started dating archie, and when they stopped, the ocd got better. it just started getting worse again recently, but they haven’t touched me for almost eight years, toni..."

 

"you're under a lot of stress, cheryl. stress can trigger those impulses, too." toni says with a sigh. cheryl nods numbly, not trusting herself to speak before toni shifts slightly against her.

 

"you said your mother could tell something was wrong...what happened, cheryl?" 

 

cheryl lets out a shaky breath before she speaks, trying to exhale some of the nervous energy out.

 

"she...my m-mother, she always finds something excuse to me mad or disappointed at me, and she could tell something was wrong, and she grabbed me…she grabbed me s-so hard, and t-told me i was going to marry archie no matter what…and i w-want to marry him, toni, i do, but i j-just feel like it’s not on m-my own t-terms, because if i even think about leaving him…they’ll hurt me again.” cheryl whimpers, causing toni to close her eyes as she exhales deeply, heart aching for the girl she’s holding, not sure how to wrap her mind around everything that she’s learning about cheryl right now…

 

“cheryl…you shouldn’t be marrying archie just to keep your parents happy…it’s not right.” she whispers. cheryl whines suddenly and shakes her head against her furiously.

 

“i’m n-not, toni. i’m marrying h-him because i l-love him.” 

 

it’s quiet for a few moments before:

 

“but are you _in love_ with him?” toni croaks out. cheryl’s heart sinks, those words hitting her like a ton of bricks, and despite knowing the answer, she can’t find it in herself to say it out loud. she simply pulls back and away from the pink haired girl, looking up at her with tear stricken cheeks, puffy red eyes and a trembling bottom lip.

 

and without needing to hear a word, toni smiles and simply nods, eyes roaming over cheryl’s face before she lets out a shaky sigh and simply changes he subject.

 

“you never told me you have a twin brother?” she says firmly, smiling as cheryl nods her head once with an equally shaky smile of her own.

 

“yes…he’s the best brother ever. jason never knew…he still doesn’t know, wh-what they do to me. i don’t want him to f-find out because i’m…i’m scared that they’ll hurt him, too, or that he’ll get mad, that he’ll do something drastic…he has the same temper as my f-father, toni, i d-don’t want him to lose everything he’s spent the last ten years b-building with my father and the company-.”

 

“shh…shh, it’s okay. i understand…he’s your brother. you’ll do anything to protect him.” toni says simply, nodding in understanding and trying to stop her own heart from racing with guilt as cheryl bites back a whimper and nods in confirmation. 

 

“what about archie, have you ever told him?” toni asks softly, lifting her hand to wipe away the tears staining cheryl’s cheeks as she sniffs once and shakes her head, her gaze dropping down to the sleeves of her shirt as she begins playing with them between her fingers. 

 

“n-no. he’d probably react just as b-badly.” she says in a small voice, prompting toni to frown as she tucks the locks of hair sticking to cheryl’s wet face behind her ears carefully.

 

“so you’ve never told anyone?” cheryl simply shakes her head, bottom lip trembling as she clutches it between her teeth, and toni lets out a small sigh before she tucks a finger under cheryl’s chin to lift her gaze. the redhead stares into her eyes, trying to decipher what’s going on behind them, unbeknownst to what exactly toni’s thinking, which is simply this:

 

that this feels like nothing more and nothing less than every session she’s had with her much younger clients. it’s like she’s handling a child, and in a way, from the look in cheryl’s eyes right now, filled with guilt over telling toni something she shouldn’t…in a way, she is.

 

_god, she’s more repressed than i thought…_

 

“i’m glad you’re telling me this, cher.” toni whispers, smiling despite how much her heart is aching for the girl in front of her.

 

cheryl simply blinks blearily, tilting her head slightly to the side in wonder as a small, barely there smile lifts her lips at the corners.

 

“cher?” she whispers back. toni licks her lips, eyes wide as she swallows thickly and looks at cheryl with hesitation.

 

_put boundaries, toni, you can’t do that…_

 

“i…i’m sorry, did i overstep? i didn’t mean to-.”

 

“n-no, it’s fine, it’s just a nickname, toni. besides, i just c-cried into your shoulder and ruined your shirt, i think we’re p-past overstepping boundaries.” cheryl hiccups, chuckling slightly as toni hands her another tissue with a soft laugh of her own. 

 

“it’s fine, cheryl. you can cry on as many of my shirts as you want to.” she teases. cheryl hiccups again, sniffing once as she dabs at her eyes while toni rubs her hand up and down her arm gently. a few moments pass in silence before toni gives her bicep a gentle but firm squeeze.

 

“do you want to keep going?” she asks softly. cheryl simply sighs, glancing up at the clock to see they’ve gone half an hour over her time. they’ve been here for far too long, toni’s probably so tired-

 

“n-no, i’m taking up s-so much time-.”

 

“cheryl, you heard me cancel all my other appointments, right? you’ve got me for the rest of the afternoon, you take as long as you need.” toni reassures her. cheryl chews on her bottom lip hesitantly, already thinking about the chunk this will take out of her bank account, it’s a hundred and fifty an _hour…_

 

“i c-can’t afford-.”

 

“you’re only paying for the first hour, don’t worry about that, cheryl, please…just get everything out, do what you need to do and let me help, okay?” toni says firmly, gripping her hand and giving it a gentle squeeze, urging the girl to stay. cheryl stares at her in shock, surprised at her generosity, but all toni can think about is how she can’t let cheryl leave this office the way she is right now…hysteric, crying, reliving memories of trauma…

 

“are you sure?” cheryl asks, so unsure of herself, and when toni simply nods with a smile, cheryl’s shoulders visibly relax, a shaky sigh escaping her as the fatigue of so much crying begins to set in.

 

“you probably think i’m pathetic…twenty five and still terrified of her parents hurting her.” cheryl mumbles, her gaze dropping in embarrassment, but toni tucks a finger under her chin once again to lift her gaze with a reassuring smile. 

 

“not at all. they’ve spent twenty five years building this fear of them inside you, cheryl. i’d be terrified, too.” toni tells her truthfully. cheryl simply nods once, playing with the sleeves of her shirt once again, unaware of how toni is staring at her, the pink haired girl’s heart breaking at the sight of cheryl looking so unsure…so small…

 

“so…you kept it from jason to keep him safe and to stop him from exploding, and you kept it from archie for the same reasons…i’m gonna take a wild guess and say your parents don’t know about you experimenting in college, either?” toni asks, frowning as cheryl scoffs before she clears her throat and simply looks at her mournfully.

 

“of course not, toni. if they ever found out, i’m almost positive they’d actually kill me. i don’t even know what i was thinking when i did it, i just…god, i don’t know…” she says hollowly, her eyes almost distant as if she’s replaying the memory in her mind. toni doesn’t expose the reaction she has to those words, which is complete and utter anger and disbelief, just keeps her face as neutral as possible as she sighs and takes cheryl’s hand once again, the redhead completely clueless to the dots that are connecting in toni’s mind right now the more she discovers about cheryl’s upbringing.

 

“cheryl…” toni contemplates it…she really does. she considers telling cheryl what she thinks, but the thought of dumping that information on her right now after everything she’s just confessed…

 

toni can’t do it. she just _can’t._ she’s already spoken about so much tonight, for toni to give her more things to think about on top of everything else…as much as it’s her job, she can’t do that to someone, especially cheryl…

 

cheryl, who’s looking at her with these big, wide eyes filled with so much sadness…

 

toni just _can’t_ do it.

 

“i…i wanted to tell you that i think you’re so brave for telling me all of this…you should be proud of yourself.” toni says not completely untruthfully…it’s not what she wanted to say, but it’s definitely something she’s thinking.

 

cheryl licks her lips but says nothing, isn’t quite sure what to say as toni sighs before she appears to come to some kind of conclusion, nodding her head slowly as she does. 

 

“cheryl, have you picked up a pencil and tried drawing again yet?” toni asks. cheryl shakes her head slowly, a slight frown taking over her features as toni purses her lips and nods once.

 

“okay…i want you to do that when you get home. just draw whatever comes to mind, whatever your heart tells you to draw, alright? i know it sounds strange and kind of out of the box, but just trust me. you can keep it to yourself or you can show me at our next session, it’s up to you…just make sure you draw whatever you _feel_ …can you do that for me?” toni questions softly, prompting cheryl to look up at her with a light sniffle before she nods.

 

“y-yeah…i can do that.” she agrees. toni’s smile widens, and cheryl actually offers her one in return before she sighs shakily and blinks heavily.

 

“that took a lot out of me…” she breathes. toni chuckles and grips her hand, giving it a squeeze before she nods in agreement.

 

“yeah, it did. but you’ve made amazing progress today, cheryl. and i’m so proud of you for having the courage to open up to me about this. i promise it’ll stay between us, okay?” 

 

the guilt that grips her as cheryl nods her head is immediate, all consuming…taking over every inch of her as she tries to push it down, because she knows that if she tells cheryl the truth…that if toni finds evidence and sees proof that cheryl’s parents have hurt her, she’ll have no choice but to report it to the police, and if toni tells her that, cheryl will break down again, will start to panic, will withdraw into her shell once more when she’s made so much progress today-

 

“t-toni, i…can we end today’s session, please? i d-don’t think i can take much more…” cheryl says weakly, eyes red and puffy as toni nods without hesitation.

 

“of course, cheryl. but we have to wind you down first, okay? so tell me...what's your favorite color?" toni asks with a grin, watching as cheryl laughs lightly and wipes away more of her tears before she nods.

 

"red, but if we're being specific...pantone's flame scarlet." she says with a sniff. toni raises an eyebrow, not quite sure what color is, and cheryl rolls her eyes before she chuckles and nods at toni once.

 

"what's yours?" toni grins and simply points at her hair.

 

"hmm, pink, obviously, but if we're being specific...pastel pink." she teases. cheryl shoves her lightly with a groan, and toni finds herself smiling stupidly the more she watches cheryl's shoulders relax.

 

they simply banter for a little while, talking back and forth about their favorite foods and places to be, where they'd like to travel...cheryl learns that toni went to college in florida to get her degree in psychology, and toni learns that cheryl went to new york university for her degree in business. cheryl learns that toni enjoys greenery more than she does the hustle and bustle of the city, which is why she's building her vacation home in riverdale: she just missed seeing the trees. 

 

cheryl contemplates asking toni about the rec center she apparently helped create and is now funding on the southside, contemplates asking why she didn't want to answer archie's question that night at dinner of why her and jughead lost contact for a few years, but they're smiling and laughing and she can feel herself beginning to calm down...she doesn't want to jeopardize it.

 

so she stays quiet.

 

"you must make a lot of money if you're building that vacation home on the southside...from what i've seen of the plans, it looks like a mansion, toni." cheryl says instead, looking to toni with a smirk as the therapist simply shrugs.

 

"well, i've been a therapist for four years now, it took a lot of saving...but it's not just the therapy that gives me income, i actually own a few properties as well, so that always helps. one in florida, two in riverdale, and an apartment here in new york...other than my own, of course." she says with a chuckle. cheryl blinks in surprise, stares at toni in disbelief. twenty seven years old and she somehow has all these properties to her name? that's insane...

 

"wow...you really know what you're doing, huh?" cheryl says in shock. toni laughs lightly, her eyes suddenly distant before she lets out a shaky breath.

 

"circumstances caused me to grow up a lot quicker than i probably should have...i wasn't always so wealthy, cheryl. even getting to college was a miracle and a half. but...that's enough about me." she says with a smile, and as much as cheryl wants to ask more, she finds herself simply nodding in agreement as she sinks back into her chair with a slight pout.

 

she wants to know more about toni so badly...there's somthing just so intriguing about the pink haired girl...

 

"i think i’m starting to understand more, why you’re feeling the way you’re feeling…but it’s been enough for today, you’re right. do you think you’ll be okay to drive home?” toni asks with concern as cheryl sniffs and wipes away any remaining traces of her tears with a small nod.

 

“yeah. i’ll be okay…thank you, toni. for listening.” 

 

cheryl feels her heart inflate ten times in size at the look toni gives her, not even aware that toni’s feeling the exact same way as she tucks a stray lock of hair behind cheryl’s ear again gently.

 

“any time, cher.” toni says huskily, her eyes roaming over cheryl’s face before they drop down to her lips…

 

“uh, let’s book your next session for tuesday, okay? gives you the weekend to settle and think about all of this, and gives you time to do what i asked as well. sound good?” toni says firmly, inching away from cheryl slightly, but the red head doesn’t even notice, too caught up in her emotions and thoughts as she nods once in agreement.

 

“yeah…thanks again, toni.”

 

“my pleasure.” toni jumps up from the couch and holds her hand out for cheryl to take with a smile, leading the girl to the door slowly as cheryl takes some more deep, shaky breaths in. once she’s at the door, cheryl turns to toni, giving her hand a squeeze before she smiles and nods.

 

“see you on tuesday, toni.” she says hoarsely.

 

and all toni can do is smile and try to ignore the way her heart starts beating erratically at the sight of cheryl’s own bright white smile before her.

 

“see you on tuesday, cheryl.” she repeats with a whisper.

 

toni stands there, unable to move or breathe or think as cheryl exits the room, and a few moments of silence pass before toni finally manages to get a coherent thought out.

 

“god, you’re so fucked, toni…”

 

\---------------

 

she stares.

 

and stares.

 

and for some stupid reason, cheryl thinks that maybe, just _maybe_ …the colors before her will form a painting of some kind on their own.

 

but instead, they remain stationary before her in their little plastic tubes, mixtures of red and green and blue and yellow and pink and everything else resting in front of her while she just…stares.

 

toni told her to draw whatever came to her mind, told her to draw what she was feeling, and yet…cheryl has no idea _what_ she’s feeling.

 

her mind is still spinning from her session with toni yesterday, her body collapsing on her the second she had gotten home last night. she crashed out at eight in the evening and didn’t wake up until eight the next morning.

 

after a quick breakfast, cheryl had made a decision. she had gone to the nearest art supply store, bought four plain white canvases, a tarp, a bunch of paintbrushes and tubes of paint, had dressed herself in simple denim overalls and a white shirt underneath and had set everything up, prepared to do what she needed to do, to make toni proud…

 

that was over five hours ago.

 

cheryl sighs in frustration and runs her fingers through her hair, trying to sort out the mess her mind is in right now, trying to descramble her thoughts for just a second, but she can’t.

 

how does she begin to put how she’s feeling into _art?_

 

there’s so much to unpack from yesterday, her feelings of fear over telling toni, her guilt for confessing everything, her anger at her parents for ever doing this to her in the first place, the pain from reliving all those memories, the sadness over keeping this hidden from archie and jason, the _panic_ over the possibility of her parents finding out, but god…the _safety_ that toni gave her with a simple touch, a simple reassurance of words that she wouldn’t say a thing to anyone about any of it, that she’d keep cheryl safe no matter what…

 

how does she _begin_ to put all of that into art?

 

_god, toni is going to be so disappointed-_

 

her phone rings loudly, causing her to jump in surprise as she reaches into the back pocket of her overalls and looks down.

 

it’s probably not a good sign, that the first thing she feels when she sees archie’s name at the top of her phone is disappointment because it’s not the name she wants to see, but she pushes it aside easily and answers with a simple smile and a shaky sigh.

 

“hey, arch…”

 

“hey, honey! are you on your way?” archie says cheerily, prompting cheryl to wince for reasons she doesn’t even know before the words he's saying hit her, her eyes widening as she claps a hand to her forehead and mouths one simple word.

 

"shit..."

 

_oh god..._

 

“cheryl...are you okay? is something wrong?” archie asks immediately, voice dripping with nothing but concern at her silence. cheryl licks her lips before she sighs and shakes her head.

 

“i...yeah, i'm fine. it’s…just cramps. i’m fine, i promise.” cheryl lies easily, staring down at the red colored tube almost subconsciously as archie sighs loudly in her ear.

 

“okay, honey, just look after yourself…i'm guessing that means you aren't heading down, huh?” archie asks, the loud sounds of construction echoing through the phone from a short distance as cheryl chews on her bottom lip before she sighs.

 

_they were supposed to alternate visiting each other on the weekends…_

 

“i…god, i’m sorry, arch, but i don't think so...i'm not feeling too great, and josie’s performing at a bar tomorrow night and i promised her i’d go. is there any way you can come back to new york?” 

 

“ah…damn, i wish, but dad’s got us working on this around the clock, so…probably not.” archie says with a mournful sigh, genuinely sounding upset that he won’t be able to see cheryl for another week or so.

 

the guilt rears its ugly head as it always does whenever she thinks about just how much archie loves her, and just how much she can’t seem to match that level of devotion he has to her, and she finds herself sighing more out of shame than frustration.

 

“that’s okay…there’s always next weekend.” cheryl says softly. archie simply hums in agreement.

 

“yeah…i guess i just miss you a lot more than i thought i would. being away from you sucks.” archie says with a chuckle.

 

_fuck...fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck..._

 

“i…me too, arch, i-i miss you, too, i mean…” cheryl whispers, not untruthfully, but perhaps not in the way archie thinks she means it as he sighs again.

 

“well, i better get back to it. i’ll call you later tonight, okay?”

 

“okay…bye, archie.”

 

“bye, honey! i love you!” 

 

archie hangs up before cheryl gets the chance to say it back like he always does, rushing to end phone calls and get back into his work, dedicated as always, but for once, cheryl doesn’t mind it.

 

she’s pretty sure if she tried to say those words back, they might get stuck in her throat right now.

 

_i can’t keep doing this to him…think, cheryl, how are you feeling? you have to do this so you can keep moving forward, so **toni** can help you keep moving forward…_

 

the thought of the pink haired girl makes cheryl smile, and for some reason, her hands seems to automatically reach for the pink tube before she’s uncapping it-

 

she accidentally squeezes a little too harshly, and paint squirts out, causing her to shriek in surprise before it falls to the ground with a loud splat.

 

a splotch of pink hits the white paper, instantly spreading and staining over it as cheryl stares at it in awe and wonder.

 

oh.

 

_oooooooh!_

 

cheryl stares at it for a long time before she reaches for the brown this time, uncapping it and squeezing it over the canvas, a large smudge of brown moving over the pink as cheryl ducks down again and picks up the red.

 

she’s grabbing all the colors she can see, giggling to herself as she flicks the paint all over the canvas with speed and ferocity, not even caring at the splotches of paint that fall on her skin and clothes. 

 

she finds herself dancing and singing on the spot as she continues throwing the paint around, desperate to coat every inch of white with a color, to the point where she’s not even picking colors anymore, she’s just squeezing whatever tube she picks up off the ground, splotches landing on the other canvas she bought that’s to the left of the one she’s painting on, but she simply moves on to that one next, caught up in this crazy game of arts and crafts-

 

by the time cheryl’s out of breath and looking around her, three canvases are coated in color, just splotches of it all over the tarp and the white backgrounds while cheryl looks at each painting and finds herself laughing before she can stop. 

 

she collapses to the ground beside her paintings, not even caring that paint is getting in her hair as she stares up at the ceiling, giggling at the crunching and crinkling sound of the tarp beneath her body with each move she makes.

 

that...that was the most fun she's had in such a long time...it's back, she's got it back, that spark, that love for painting-

 

_i get it now. god, i get it-_

 

she’s running out of her room and marching to the front door, grabbing her keys off the table as she does before she’s making her way down to the parking garage of her apartment building quickly. 

 

she doesn’t even know where she’s going, her subconscious is just taking her, a giggle escaping her when she catches sight of herself in the drop down mirror of the sun visor to see there’s splotches of white and pink and red and blue all over her face and neck and clothes, but she can’t find it in herself to care.

 

she gets it now...god, she gets it-

 

somehow, she ends up outside of the building she’s become so familiar with, tires screeching on the ground as she comes to a stop on the sidewalk and jumps out, marching her way inside and heading straight to the elevator to take her to the top floor without even glancing at the receptionist.

 

as soon as she’s through the glass door, she’s looking at midge, who’s scrolling through her phone and popping gum, looking a little disgruntled to be working on a saturday, but regardless, she looks up at cheryl in surprise as soon as she walks in.

 

“cheryl! i thought your next appointment was tuesday-.”

 

“it is! i just wanted to see toni, is she in?” cheryl asks breathlessly, waving her hand nonchalantly as midge cocks an eyebrow before she nods once and jerks her head towards toni’s door.

 

“she’s in her office, her next appointment is in fifteen, so no one’s with her, but knock just in case-.”

 

“thank you!” cheryl tears off down the hallway, knocks five times on toni’s candy red door quickly before:

 

“come in!”

 

she twists the knob and pushes the door open almost forcefully, marching her way inside with a grin to find toni where she always finds her: behind her desk with her feet propped on top of it, writing down notes on what looks like a file, her eyes moving up in shock at cheryl standing before her, covered in paint and wearing the most plain clothes toni's ever seen her wear.

 

“cheryl? is everything okay-.”

 

“i get it now.” cheryl blurts out, that grin still wide on her face as toni cocks an eyebrow in confusion.

 

“get what?”

 

“these! i get it now! i get what you were doing when you made them!" cheryl says excitedly, pointing to the canvases on the walls and bouncing on the balls of her feet as she does. toni blinks a few times in confusion before she chuckles and looks to cheryl with a smirk.

 

“you get it, huh?”

 

“yeah! it’s not just paint splatter, i mean it is, appearance wise, but...it’s…it’s _everything_ , you know? it’s relationships and work and friendships and family and...all the things that make up life and the canvas...the canvas is life! everything is just...thrown on there...thrown at us. obstacles and trials...everything is just paint splatter.” cheryl says in awe, staring at the painting up on the wall in wonder, trying to connect the colors to what _she_ feels-

 

she hears toni chuckle again, and when she turns to face her, the girl is staring at her with a grin on her face and this look cheryl can’t explain.

 

a look that has her blurting out her next sentence before she can even think about it.

 

“josie’s performing at a bar tomorrow night. come with me, toni. please?” cheryl says eagerly, stepping forward as toni takes in the sight of her paint splattered appearance in amusement.

 

“you want your therapist to come to some bar with you?” she says firmly, clearly entertained by the prospect as cheryl simply shrugs with an even wider grin.

 

“not my therapist. my friend. and josie's, too! you're josie's friend too, right?” she says simply with a slight frown.

 

and toni’s expression softens, all traces of humor and teasing gone as she smiles, observing cheryl closely before:

 

“okay, cheryl. i’ll be there with bells on.”


	6. i'm definitely not in job mode

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHEW. THIS CHAPTER IS VERY LONG. AND ALSO...IT IS AN EMOTIONAL FUCKING ROLLER COASTER.
> 
> I KNOW I SAY THIS ABOUT EVERY CHAPTER, BUT I REALLY MEAN IT THIS TIME, LOL.
> 
> look, the next few chapters are gonna be an emotional roller coaster, who am i kidding, it doesn't end here, lmao. anyway, this is like 12K i think? don't bother asking about the update schedule, at this point, i'm just uploading chapters whenever i'm done with them, but as always, you can head to my twitter to get updates on how i'm going at @endofdaysforme! 
> 
> this chapter, i'm not gonna lie, has a lot of influences from the original story called 'Room 47', with my own changes obviously, but i'm gonna link it again here just as a reminder that this story is inspired by that AMAZING fic: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8708340/1/Room-47.
> 
> comment letting me know what you think, and also DON'T KILL ME, I'M JUST A WRITER.
> 
> oh, and also, also, there was some commotion in the comments on here AND on twitter about my style of writing. people are apparently turned off by the lack of capitalization and let me just say this once and once only: I DON'T CARE. if you don't like it, don't read it, it's VERY simple. do not harass people on twitter and on here telling them they're idiots for defending my work or whatever, you have a problem with me or my writing, TALK TO ME ABOUT IT. don't go blowing up someone else's twitter trying to call me out, it's just petty and cowardly. i'm not gonna bite your head off, i'm approachable as hell, so just talk it out with me!
> 
> anyway, enough of that. enjoy the chapter! <3

“josie, relax…you’re going to be great.”

 

cheryl chuckles as josie continues pacing back and forth in the green room at the back of the bar they’re in, singing harmonies and wringing her hands nervously like she has been for the last hour as she glances at cheryl before she exhales shakily.

 

“i know, i’m not nervous about the singing…much. it’s just that the head of the record label i recorded with the other week is going to be out there, cheryl. i _have_ to impress him-.”

 

“and you _will._ you’re amazing, josie, and you know you are. just…exhale all that nervous energy out, keep your voice nice and fresh, and you’ll do amazing.” cheryl says encouragingly, offering her a small smile and holding her hand out for josie to take, which her best friend does with a chuckle of her own, eyebrow raised and staring at cheryl in amusement.

 

“wow…that session with toni on friday really did wonders on you, huh?” she teases. cheryl’s heart skips a beat at the mention of her therapist, and she finds herself checking her phone like she has been obsessively for the last hour to see if toni’s messaged her yet telling her she’s here.

 

still no new notifications…

 

“i still can’t believe you invited her.” josie says with a soft laugh, prompting cheryl to look up at her with a shrug.

 

“you said she was your friend, too. i figured the more friends you had around for support, the better and more relaxed you’d feel.” cheryl says somewhat truthfully. 

 

“aww…always looking out for me, huh, blossom?” josie teases, prompting cheryl to smile softly and squeeze her hand affectionately.

 

“always.” 

 

truth be told, she hadn’t _exactly_ been thinking about josie when she invited toni to this bar tonight to see her sing, but she had definitely thought about the benefits of having toni here to watch her sing in an effort to calm herself down after she almost had a panic attack coming to terms with what she’d just done.

 

burst into toni’s office unannounced, paint all over her body and clothes, talking manically about the artwork on toni’s walls meaning something when the truth is, toni probably just got bored one day and grabbed a bunch of paints and threw them at some canvases, just like she said she did. 

 

she’s still embarrassed by the whole ordeal, which is why she keeps checking her phone to see if toni has texted her yet saying she’s here…she wants to apologize for her behavior, it was completely out of line, but toni didn’t seem to mind it. they’d spent a good fifteen minutes chatting before toni’s next client had come in and cheryl had been forced to leave, just talking about anything and everything…it was just so _easy_ with toni, everything was…cheryl’s never felt safer than she does in that office, or more, in toni’s presence…the girl just had something about her that always had the ability to make cheryl feel like she was going to be okay, no matter what-

 

“alright, are you sure my set-list is good? maybe this song doesn’t go so well with the others…”

 

cheryl completely tunes josie out at the feeling of her phone buzzing in her hand, and she looks down to see a text message from none other than toni.

 

**toni topaz [19:25]**   
_hey cher, i’m here. are you?_

 

cheryl’s heart begins racing erratically, and she jumps up from her position and glances at herself in the mirror, the lightbulbs surrounding it shining brightly and accentuating her makeup. she checks herself over, making sure her makeup is good, flawless and not streaked and her hair is as curled to perfection as always, no smudges on her lipstick-

 

“what, did archie arrive or something?” josie says with a laugh.

 

“what? no, archie’s in riverdale, remember?” cheryl says in confusion, glancing at her in the mirror as she fluffs her hair and straightens out her dress, the red fabric stopping mid-thigh and clinging to the curves of her body as she hoists the strapless dress to cover her chest a little better. she shimmies a little, tugging the dress down at her thighs gently while josie stares at her with a raised eyebrow.

 

“then why are you making sure you look so good?” she says with a confused laugh. cheryl feels her heart stutter slightly, and she simply shrugs and turns to josie with a shaky smile.

 

“just because i’m engaged, doesn’t mean i can’t look good, josie.” she says with a roll of her eyes. josie rolls her own before cheryl gives her a quick kiss on the cheek and a squeeze of her bicep.

 

“you’re going to be amazing! keep breathing, don’t strain your voice, drink lots of water, and i’ll see you out there!” josie smiles, gives her a firm hug and a murmured ‘thank you so much, cheryl’ before the red head exits the green room and makes her way out into the bar, which is crowded, eyes roaming over the sea of heads before her, searching for that flash of pink-

 

_there._

 

cheryl stops short, eyes taking in the sight before her. toni’s leaning against the jukebox in the far east corner of the bar, wearing these black, six inch stiletto heels, high waisted black suit pants and a long sleeved white button up blouse with a loose office bow tie at the collar that kind of extends down to her chest, hoop earrings in and her hair pulled up in a loose ponytail that causes pink curls to fall around her face, and it’s such a stark contrast to how cheryl saw her when she was in riverdale, she finds herself staring in shock.

 

toni had almost looked like a badass biker back in riverdale, with the leather jacket and the ripped jeans, but here…here she looks more formal.

 

she looks… _good._

 

cheryl takes a deep breath in before she makes her way through the crowd towards the pink haired girl, a smile forming on her face at the sight of her, and as soon as toni sees her out of the corner of her eye, she spins around before she grins widely-

 

and cheryl notices midge is right beside her, smiling at cheryl before she raises a hand and waves in welcome.

 

“hey, cheryl!” she says cheerily.

 

cheryl freezes on the spot, watching midge with wide eyes, not quite understanding what the girl is doing here. an unexplainable anger floods her, one that she can’t even begin to explain, but one that causes her expression to darken slightly before she can stop it, shoulders slumping and eyes moving up to see toni watching her with a raised eyebrow and a slight look of confusion.

 

“uh…h-hi, midge…hi, toni…” cheryl simply mumbles, her excitement for this night quickly deflating like a balloon that’s been cut right at the bottom. why the fuck is fucking _midge_ here? cheryl didn’t invite _her,_ she invited toni, were they on a date, is that what this is?

 

“hey, cher. i hope you don’t mind, i invited midge and my best friend and his boyfriend, if that’s okay?” toni says with a smile, nodding over to the bar, where cheryl sees two young men smiling and passing the bartender some bills before they begin making their way back through the crowd and over to toni and midge with drinks in their hands.

 

“oh…no, that’s fine, is…is it a double date, or…?” cheryl trails off, heart pounding as midge’s eyes widen before she laughs loudly and shakes her head.

 

“oh no, i have a boyfriend, and besides…i don’t swing that way, cheryl, even though toni here does.” midge says with a chuckle, nudging toni playfully before she claps her hands excitedly and makes her way through the crowd to meet the two men halfway to help them with the drinks they’re carrying.

 

_wait, what?!_

 

cheryl stares at toni in complete and utter shock and finds herself blurting out her next words without thought.

 

“you’re g-gay?” she stutters out. her cheeks almost immediately flush with embarrassment at the question, an apology already on the tip of her tongue as toni blinks once in surprise at the abruptness of her question before she stares at cheryl with nothing but a smirk of amusement.

 

“bisexual, actually. kevin and moose on the other hand…” toni says, nodding to the two men who have now joined them through the throng of people, the slightly more muscular, dark haired one handing toni her drink with a grin.

 

the lean one with sandy brown hair and green eyes beside midge holds his hand out for cheryl to take with a soft smile once there’s no longer any drinks in them.

 

“i’m kevin, this is my boyfriend, marmaduke, but everyone calls him moose.” he says kindly, his grin only widening when cheryl takes his hand with an equally polite smile back at him and his boyfriend.

 

“nice to meet you both. i’m cheryl.” she says, still somewhat reeling from the revelation that toni is bisexual…

 

how did she not know that? toni never told her, why wouldn’t she tell her?

 

_probably because it’s none of your business, cheryl!_

 

but toni knew so much about her-

 

_no shit, sherlock, she’s your therapist, remember?!_

 

“hey, so what time is josie coming on?” midge’s voice breaks through cheryl’s thoughts, and even though cheryl’s more than relieved that toni’s not on a date with the girl (again, for reasons she can’t explain), she still finds herself staring at the girl with slight disgruntlement.

 

“in about half an hour.” she says simply, trying to get over the pettiness of midge and these two other people she’s never met before being here. she was kind of hoping toni would come alone…is it selfish of her to have wanted that? probably, but fuck it, she’s a selfish person sometimes, when she wants to be-

 

she just wanted to spend some time with toni again outside of her office, is that so much to have asked for? 

 

“in that case, we should get some good seats!” kevin says excitedly. cheryl simply smiles and nods towards the roped off v.i.p section in the far west corner of the bar, right beside the stage in the middle of it.

 

“we can sit over there, josie put my name on the list. best seats in the house!” she says, chuckling when moose fist pumps and midge giggles excitedly. toni rolls her eyes at her friends before she looks to cheryl with a soft smile.

 

“lead the way then, cher.”

 

cheryl leads them over to the v.i.p section, stopping in front of the security guard and giving him her name, and he scans a list before he nods once and looks to the others behind her with a raised eyebrow.

 

“i know i only said one extra person, but can you make an exception?” cheryl says sheepishly. the security guard rolls his eyes, but waves them forward, and cheryl grins and pats his shoulder before she leads the others up the small stairs of the raised platform towards a booth that gives them the perfect view from the side of the stage so they can see josie without interference. 

 

she’s lucky josie’s close with the owner, she’s pretty sure her bringing three guests unannounced up here would’ve gotten her thrown out if she didn’t…

 

there’s a small bar with only one bartender right in the corner of this v.i.p section, and she feels a warm hand touch the small of her back before a voice whispers in her ear.

 

“i’ll take care of drinks, cher, take the others to a booth.” toni says softly. cheryl suppresses a shudder, but nods once as toni makes her way over to that bar, handing the bartender her card with a smile as cheryl leads kevin, midge and moose towards one of the booths closest to the stage. she slides into the booth, disappointment flooding her when kevin and midge take the spots either side of her, moose sitting beside kevin and leaving toni to sit at the end of the booth next to him once she rejoins them.

 

“drinks are on me tonight, ladies and gents, don’t go too crazy…i might make a lot of bank, but i’m still only human!” she teases. cheryl looks at her in shock before she shakes her head.

 

“toni, no, i’ll pay for my own drinks-.” cheryl starts, but toni simply waves her hand nonchalantly as the bartender makes his way over to them with a notepad in his hands. 

 

“don’t be silly, cher. i want us all to have a good night. i’ll have a whiskey on the rocks.” toni says to the bartender with a grin as kevin and moose immediately perk up and order drinks their drinks while toni gives cheryl a soft smile.

 

“for you, ma’am?” the bartender asks with a smile. 

 

“i’ll have a vodka tonic, thank you.” cheryl says with a sigh, looking to toni disapprovingly as midge places her own order for a drink.

 

she can’t believe toni’s essentially taking the bar tab tonight, it’s going to cost her a pretty penny, cheryl probably shouldn’t drink too much-

 

“so! how do you and toni know each other?” kevin asks suddenly, grabbing her attention away from her thoughts as she looks at him and blinks once in surprise.

 

“uhh…”

 

“met her through josie, actually.” toni interrupts, winking at cheryl and grinning as kevin nods once. cheryl looks to midge nervously, waiting for her to dispute this lie even though it's kind of true, really, but the girl is texting away on her phone, not even remotely paying attention to the conversation as kevin suddenly grips her wrist lightly.

 

“can’t wait to hear her sing! is she good?” he asks.

 

“oh, she’s _amazing._ you’re in for a treat.” cheryl says with a smile. toni chuckles as midge puts her phone down and looks to cheryl with a soft laugh.

 

“well, i’m gonna trust your word for it, cheryl! if she’s your friend, she’s bound to be the best new york has to offer!” midge says happily, giving her a smile that cheryl icily returns for reasons she still doesn’t understand.

 

_god, would you stop? she’s being nice and you’re being a bitch and for what? she’s not even on a date with toni!_

 

and god, what would it matter if she was? where has this sudden burst of anger come from? cheryl doesn’t understand it at all, who cares if midge was on a date here with toni, it has nothing to do with her…

 

but toni is bisexual. toni just confirmed it, said those exact words, she could’ve come on a date here with any girl _or_ guy, and cheryl finds herself biting down on her bottom lip and clenching her fist at the very idea of it.

 

_god, what the fuck, cheryl, snap out of it! can this stupid anger over **nothing** go away now-_

 

she’s engaged. she’s engaged to archie, she has no right getting jealous over someone else going on dates, _especially_ toni-

 

_but why **especially** toni? because she’s your therapist, or because she’s a girl?_

 

cheryl closes her eyes and exhales shakily, blocking out the sounds of midge, kevin and moose talking, trying not to erase the thought that it’s both…it’s definitely both. 

 

she’s just being stupid. she wanted time alone with toni and she didn’t get it and now she’s throwing a hissy fit and thinking things that are completely out of left field, things that have _nothing_ to really do with how she’s feeling-

 

"hey, you okay?" warm fingers touch her cold ones on top of the table, prompting her to look up with shock to see toni staring at her with a frown of worry. cheryl fights back the shiver that runs up her spine at toni's touch and simply smiles before she nods.

 

"y-yeah, i...i actually wanted to say sorry for yesterday, toni, bursting into your office like that-."

 

"hey, it's okay, no stress! it was good...seeing you smile like that. you were _happy_ , cheryl. probably the happiest i've ever seen you." toni says with a soft smile. cheryl feels the tears well in her eyes, but before she can respond the bartender arrives with their drinks, resting them down on the table with a smile.

 

and as soon as he places her vodka tonic in front of her, cheryl finds herself throwing back the entire drink in three gulps, face screwed up in disgust at the burn down her throat before she signals to the bartender to make another.

 

“another vodka tonic, ma’am?” he asks, eyes wide at how quickly she finished the drink he literally just handed her as she nods once and inhales sharply, handing the empty glass back to him.

 

“yes please, thank you.” she manages to gasp out. the smirk on toni’s face is evident as cheryl swallows harshly and looks at her with a frown, but midge taps cheryl’s arm to grab her attention away from the pink haired girl, prompting the red head to turn slowly to face her as she talks.

 

“hey, so, toni told me you’re engaged! when’s the big day?” she asks with excitement, glancing down at cheryl’s engagement ring and gripping cheryl’s hand to take a look at it. cheryl finds herself glancing desperately back at the bartender to see him fixing her another drink as she swallows the lump in her throat and tries her best to smile.

 

“uh, about three and a half months.” she croaks out.

 

“oh, exciting! is the lucky guy here tonight?” moose asks, joining in on the conversation, and cheryl simply shakes her head, her eyes landing on toni, who seems to bow her head suddenly to avoid looking at cheryl completely.

 

“uh, no, he’s…working.” cheryl says distractedly, frowning in wonder at why toni's reacting like this before she sighs and turns to face moose with a smile. kevin claps his hands and grins at her just as the bartender comes back with cheryl's drink.

 

“oh, you must be so excited! big day is getting closer and closer, huh?” he says with a wink, causing cheryl to wince rather than smile as she tries to think of a reply before midge suddenly jumps up with a squeal as the music changes.

 

“oh my god, let’s dance! i love this song!” she shouts, reaching for kevin and moose’s hands almost immediately and attempting to tug them out of the booth, both boys rolling their eyes before kevin looks to toni almost threateningly, as if to say ‘you better be coming, too’. 

 

toni laughs and nods as midge pulls kevin and moose up, and toni looks to cheryl before she stands and holds her hand out for cheryl to take.

 

“wanna dance, cher?” she asks with a grin. cheryl bites down on her lip in hesitation before she downs her drink once again, wincing at the taste before she grabs toni’s hand and pushes herself up off the booth. 

 

they make their way to the small dancefloor just beside the v.i.p section, stepping down the stairs and past the rope that the security guard holds open for them, and all cheryl can think about is how warm toni’s hand is in hers as she keeps them interlaced, leading cheryl out to the crowd of bodies gathered on the wooden platform. midge immediately begins jumping around as the bass booms, hand clasped in moose’s, and cheryl finds herself chuckling as toni rolls her eyes and suddenly leans in just a little bit to cheryl so she can be heard over the music. 

 

“maybe i shouldn’t have invited the twenty year old ball of energy!” she shouts. cheryl giggles and shakes her head, watching with amusement as moose happily dances with her excitedly while kevin simply smirks and shakes his head with a laugh at his boyfriend.

 

“probably not! but moose seems to enjoy her company!” cheryl shouts back. toni laughs and nods once.

 

“he’s always been the party animal of the relationship! kevin’s the more relaxed one!”

 

“how long have you known them for?” cheryl asks. toni simply shrugs with a smile.

 

“about three years now! i’ve known kevin longer, we went to college together, and moose was one of my first clients…he was struggling with his sexuality! he saw a photo of kevin on my phone and asked me about him, and kevin helped him come out of his shell! they’ve been together ever since!” toni says, watching proudly as kevin and moose both twirl midge around with loud laughter as she squeals with excitement.

 

“i commend them for trying to keep up with her!” cheryl says with a laugh that toni reciprocates.

 

“she’s just excited to be around gay guys, she’s kind of weird like that! now come on, you wanna dance or what?” toni teases. cheryl finds her cheeks immediately flushing as she purses her lips and shakes her head.

 

“i…i don’t really know how to-.”

 

“what?!” kevin’s head snaps towards them, and before cheryl can even say anything, he’s reaching for her hand and tugging her close, shimmying his hips with a grin and a wink to cheryl.

 

“there’s no such thing as not knowing how to dance, cheryl! just feel the music and move your body accordingly!”

 

it’s probably the best half an hour of cheryl’s life. kevin jumps around and dances with her, moose eventually joining in until midge and toni are also jumping, the five of them laughing and enjoying each other’s company, building up a sweat as the bodies on the dancefloor continue to crowd more and more. everyone’s feeding off their energy, and as the music begins to mellow out a little, cheryl finds herself getting lost in the music just like kevin told her to, swaying her hips and closing her eyes in order to just _feel_ the beat instead of hear it…

 

she’s so lost in herself, the two drinks she had before this affecting her just a little, making her head just the tiniest bit woozy as she sways her head and hips before the sound of a voice in her ear has her jumping with a gasp of surprise.

 

“and you said you couldn’t dance.” toni rasps out, causing a shiver to run up cheryl’s spine as she turns to see toni simply standing behind her, this look in her eyes cheryl can’t quite decipher, but one that has her breath hitching, tongue darting out to wet her ruby red lips before toni suddenly clears her throat and nods towards the v.i.p section.

 

“it’s almost eight. wanna head back to the booth so we can watch josie sing?” she breathes, stepping just a little closer to cheryl in order to be heard. they’re face to face, inches away from each other, and cheryl purses her lips and ignores the pounding in her heart, nods once instead before toni grabs kevin and moose’s arms with a chuckle.

 

“come on, dancing queens, josie’s about to start!” she calls out, tugging them all back towards the roped off section once more.

 

they climb the steps as toni signals for the bartender to bring them all more drinks with kevin and midge heading straight to the bar to order while toni, moose and cheryl head back to the booth. once again, toni and cheryl are separated, much to her dismay, moose sitting right between them, and she doesn’t dare say a word about them swapping spots as moose smiles up at her before looking to toni fondly.

 

“so…how’s the therapy life treating you?” he asks. toni grins and simply shrugs.

 

“same old, same old. you know better than anyone, marmaduke.” she teases. moose chuckles, and cheryl finds herself biting on her bottom lip in hesitation before she taps moose’s shoulder gently.

 

“toni told me you used to be one of her clients…” she trails off, and moose smiles and nods once slowly, a soft sigh escaping him and his shoulders slumping slightly.

 

“yeah…my dad is super homophobic, and my mom died when i was young, so…for me, my sexuality has always been something i could never fully embrace out of fear of my father and how he’d react. but toni helped me see that repressing myself and who i am was only harming me instead of keeping me safe…stopping me from being who i am, who i _want_ to be…life’s too short not to be who you are, you know?” moose says softly, looking at cheryl with these eyes filled with so much hope and gratitude…

 

cheryl finds herself wiping away a tear that falls down her cheek as she sniffs and nods once in agreement.

 

“yeah…that i can understand…” she whispers just as kevin and midge make their way back, carrying all their drinks with them as they do, moose staring at kevin with such a look of love in his eyes, it makes cheryl's stomach turn with sadness.

 

as soon as she gets her hands on that vodka tonic, she’s taking a large gulp from it, her mind already spinning as she looks at moose with a shaky sigh.

 

“how did you handle…coming out to your dad?” she says, words slightly jumbled incoherently, but moose seems to understand her, because he sighs before he simply shrugs.

 

“he disowned me. but it doesn’t matter…i’m proud of who i am, and i wouldn’t change it for the world.” moose says firmly, nodding his head and clenching his jaw, and cheryl knows…she _knows_ that as proud as moose may be of himself…he still probably _misses_ his father…

 

cheryl’s about to say something, but the lights are beginning to dim as a spotlight shines on the stage, and cheryl sits up eagerly, watching with a racing heart as she finishes off her drink at the same time as toni does, the pink haired girl signaling the bartender to bring them another round. cheryl fans herself and lifts her long hair back from her sweat soaked neck, picking at the strands that stick to her skin as she grins widely when the owner of the bar makes his way to the microphone.

 

“alright, ladies and gentlemen! we’ve got a very, very special guest tonight! performing for the next half an hour, a good friend of mine, and one of the best damn singers i know, josie mccoy, everyone!” 

 

the crowd on the dancefloor explodes into loud cheers and clapping, and josie makes her way onto the stage with a wide grin out to the audience, giggling as she waves before she takes her seat in front of the microphone and motions to the guitarist and the drummer behind her with a nod.

 

a mellow beat begins, some of the crowd in front of the dancefloor grabbing their partners to begin a slow dance as josie begins singing softly, her voice as angelic as always.

 

_“beauty queen of only eighteen, she_   
_had some trouble with herself_   
_he was always there to help her, but she_   
_always belonged to someone else…”_

 

cheryl finds herself swallowing thickly as the bartender returns with hers and toni’s drinks, and she quickly grabs her drink and sips it as she watches kevin and moose staring at josie with wide eyes, midge’s mouth dropped open in shock. toni simply blinks once hazily, almost like she’s getting lost in the lyrics herself before her face breaks out in this slightly tipsy grin.

 

“always had a feeling she sings like an angel, now i’ve got proof.” she says, turning to cheryl with a smirk that seems to hold more than just amusement at how well josie can sing as she takes a large sip of her drink.

 

cheryl downs the rest of her drink quickly, cheeks flushing for _some reason_ as josie continues singing softly.

 

_“i don’t mind spendin’ every day_   
_out on your corner in the pourin’ rain_   
_look for the girl with the broken smile_   
_ask her if she wants to stay awhile_   
_and she will be loved_   
_and she will be loved…”_

 

“wow, she’s amazing!” kevin exclaims, whistling loudly as josie looks up at the v.i.p section out of the corner of her eye with a wide grin while still singing. cheryl gives her a weak wave, her eyes landing on toni, who watches her with this look that has cheryl inhaling sharply as she waves for the bartender to deliver another drink, some clearly left over in the mixer he made her drink in, because he’s able to make another one for her in no time. he makes his way over to them, places the drink in front of her, and cheryl takes a huge sip quickly, her heart pounding against her chest almost painfully.

 

“whoa, slow down there, cheryl! you keep throwing those back so quickly, we’re gonna be holding your hair back in the bathroom in about ten minutes!” midge teases, nudging her shoulder playfully with a chuckle. cheryl simply purses her lips, feeling the burn of alcohol down her throat as her head spins a little. she’s suddenly feeling very claustrophobic, as she has no idea why, but toni’s eyes haven’t left her as josie’s voice echoes all around her, almost encasing her this feeling of insecurity at the way toni’s eyes burn holes into her skin.

 

_“it’s not always rainbows and butterflies_   
_it’s compromise that moves us along, yeah_   
_my heart is full and my door’s always open_   
_you can come any time you want, yeah…”_

 

“ugh, i wish i brought my boyfriend, he loves this band, and he’d love her cover of this song!” midge groans, sighing mournfully as kevin pats her shoulder sympathetically. cheryl sees josie smile up at her out of the corner of her eye, and cheryl gives her two thumbs up before she cheers loudly, feeling nothing but pride sweep her at how easily josie is captivating the crowd.

 

but her eyes trail away from josie back towards toni, who sinks back against the booth, eyes fluttering closed and head falling against the leather with a doped out smile as she mouths the words along softly, joining josie in her ballad. 

 

cheryl can’t hear her voice over josie’s, but she finds herself captivated by the way toni smiles as she sings before she’s suddenly opening her eyes and staring straight at cheryl as she sings the next lines along with josie.

 

_“tap on my window, knock on my door, i_   
_want to make you feel beautiful…”_

 

cheryl’s positive the alcohol is just getting to her now, because her mind is buzzing and her fingers feel slightly numb, and there’s also _no way_ that toni was singing those words to her specifically, she as just singing along to the song, it’s not a big deal…

 

josie finishes singing the song, the crowd erupting into cheers and roars of approval, and cheryl, in an effort to distract herself, pushes herself up and claps with enthusiasm, cheering and screaming loudly and causing josie to look up at her with a loud laugh before she beams up at her best friend and nods her head to the crowd as the second song starts up, another slow guitar ballad.

 

it’s becoming clear to cheryl that josie’s half hour of singing is meant to be chilled and relax, and she finds herself sinking back into her booth gratefully, still feeling overheated from the dancing and… _other_ things as kevin and moose talk in hushed whispers and midge orders another drink while toni continues drinking her whiskey on the rocks, smacking her lips when she’s done and grinning before she sighs happily.

 

“oh, i love this song…” she mumbles just as josie starts singing.

 

_“breathe in for luck, breathe in so deep_   
_this air is blessed, you share with me_   
_this night is wild, so calm and dull_   
_these hearts they race, from self-control…”_

 

“anyway, back to what we were talking about...is your fiance hot?” kevin suddenly whispers in cheryl’s ear a little drunkenly. cheryl finds herself giggling as she pulls her phone out of her purse and goes into her photos to find a picture of herself and archie. she finds one of them from a couple of months ago and an engagement dinner for a friend of archie’s from work.

 

“you be the judge!” she slurs slightly, head spinning a little as she holds her phone up to kevin. his eyes widen as he looks to moose, who stares at the photo before he grins and nods, clearly impressed.

 

“wow, nice one, cheryl! he’s got a jawline for _days!_ ” cheryl laughs loudly at that, turning her attention back to josie as the two boys to her left continue to fawn over her fiancé.

 

part of her thinks she probably should be squealing with excitement and talking about how drop dead gorgeous her fiancé is with them, but instead…

 

instead she finds herself staring at toni who is _still staring at her_ as josie’s voice echoes out to her.

 

_“my hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me_   
_so won’t you kill me, so i die happy_   
_my heart is yours, to fill or burst, to break or bury_   
_or wear as jewelry, whichever you prefer…”_

 

the look on toni’s face right now…

 

cheryl jumps up, mumbles something about the bathroom before she’s making her way out of the v.i.p section towards the bathroom beside it, pushing the door open and making her way into one of the stalls before she flips the lid down and collapses on top of the toilet with shaky breaths, trying to calm her racing heart. her fingers run through her sweat soaked hair, her head spinning still from the drinks as she licks her ruby red lips and tries to just stop thinking.

 

she’s looking into things, she knows she is. toni’s not staring at her in any way, is not trying to flirt with her or make eyes or any of that shit, it’s just cheryl being cheryl, as usual, paranoid and panicking for no reason-

 

but she’s not really panicking, is she? because the thought of toni flirting with her…

 

_no, no, please…please, stop it, cheryl…it’s not right, it’s not **right-**_

 

she spins her engagement ring around five times with shaking fingers, her breaths slowly beginning to calm before she pushes herself up on shaking legs and makes her way out of the stall. she washes her hands without really needing to, glances at herself in the mirror quickly to make sure there’s nothing out of place before she heads outside-

 

and groans at the sound of the next song josie is singing.

 

_“kiss me, out of the bearded barley_   
_nightly, beside the green, green grass…”_

 

oh, god, is josie doing this on purpose?

 

_doing what on purpose, cheryl? you’re not having those thoughts, stop it…_

 

she makes her way back up the steps to the v.i.p section with shaky legs and she stops short when she sees that kevin, midge and moose are no longer at the booth.

 

it’s just toni sitting there, swaying slightly to the sound of josie’s voice with a slightly drunken smile before she turns and looks up at cheryl with her smile only widening at the sight of her.

 

“hey! the others wanted to get closer, i figured i’d wait here for you so you didn’t think we’d ditched you.” she says with a chuckle as cheryl hesitates before she collapses back down into the booth with a sigh, sitting just a little closer to toni than she was before now that no one is in her way.

 

“do you want to join them?” cheryl asks. toni grins before she shrugs.

 

“i don’t think i can stand, those drinks are kind of getting to me. you?” she mumbles, looking at cheryl through her eyelashes, prompting cheryl to inhale sharply as she simply purses her lips and shakes her head.

 

“those drinks are kind of getting to me, too.” she says with a breathless laugh.

 

_“kiss me, beneath the milky twilight_   
_lead me, out on the moonlit floor_   
_lift your open hand, strike up the band and make the fireflies dance_   
_silver moon’s sparkling_   
_so kiss me…”_

 

toni suddenly inches a little closer, sliding across the booth and causing cheryl’s breath to hitch as she grabs the vodka tonic that’s resting on top of the table and takes a sip even though she should probably be stopping now, but fuck it, the drink is there, and god, it’s fucking hot in here-

 

"you having a good time?" toni says suddenly, lips pursed and staring straight at josie as cheryl simply nods once with a smile.

 

"yeah, a really good time. kevin and moose are great, and midge is...crazy, but fun." cheryl says with a chuckle. toni's lips lilt into an amused smile as josie finally finishes singing her song, a slight pause echoing out before she moves into the next one, her voice echoing out and causing shivers to run up cheryl’s spine…

 

or maybe that’s because of the way toni sidles up right next to her, arm bumping against hers, skin meeting skin…

 

_“the world was on fire, no one could save me but you_   
_it’s strange what desire will make foolish people do…”_

 

“you know i noticed, right?” toni whispers suddenly into her ear, causing cheryl’s entire body to freeze up at the feeling of toni’s breath hitting her neck gently.

 

_“i never dreamed that i’d meet somebody like you_   
_and i never dreamed that i’d lose somebody like you…”_

 

“n-noticed what?” cheryl barely manages to breath out, reaching for her drink once more with slightly trembling fingers as she keeps her eyes trained on josie in an effort to calm herself down from how _fucking close_ toni is to her right now-

 

“how you got jealous at the idea of me and midge being on a date.” toni says firmly, a breathy sigh escaping her as she leans back slightly, cheryl trying to convince herself that she _doesn’t_ miss the warmth her body was providing her seconds ago, trying to convince herself that she definitely was _not jealous-_

 

“i…i wasn’t jealous. i was just surprised she was h-here, that’s all.” cheryl manages to squeak out, draining the rest of her drink and ignoring the shudder that runs up her spine as the hot liquid slides down her throat.

 

_“what a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way_   
_what a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of you…”_

 

“mmm…you wanna know why i invited them, cheryl?” toni croaks out, swirling her glass before she drains the rest of it quickly and places it on top of table right beside cheryl’s empty glass, her pinky brushing against cheryl’s that’s resting beside her own empty glass ever so slightly.

 

_oh god…_

 

“why?” cheryl whispers, turning her head slightly to see toni frowning as she suddenly nudges cheryl’s knee with her own gently.

 

“i invited them because i was scared to come here alone with you.” toni murmurs, swallowing thickly as her eyes heavily drag upwards to watch josie sway on the spot as she sings. 

 

_“what a wicked thing to say, you never felt this way_   
_what a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you…”_

 

“why?” cheryl repeats once again hoarsely, captivated by the fire almost burning in toni’s eyes as she licks her lips, those brown depths roaming over cheryl’s face almost cautiously before she answers.

 

“i don’t think i’d be able to control myself...if we were in a place like this alone.” she says in a low voice.

 

_fuck…fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck-_

 

“we’re…we’re alone all the time in your office.” cheryl breathes back shakily, her stomach twisting and her skin flushing from what she suspects is the alcohol (it _has_ to be the alcohol) before toni suddenly chuckles and leans in just a little closer, that hand on the table beside hers getting bolder as her pinky brushes up and down the side of cheryl’s hand in soft strokes. 

 

“mmm…that’s when i’m in job mode, cheryl. but right now…” toni’s voice is shaking as the hand stroking cheryl’s drops down, brushing over her knee before her lips are suddenly brushing cheryl’s ear as she turns on her side slightly.

 

“i’m definitely not in job mode.” she whispers huskily.

 

cheryl bites back a whimper, eyes fluttering closed as the hand on her knee suddenly begins drawing gentle circles over it before warm fingers brush back the hair sticking slightly to her face, tucking it behind her ear just as gently.

 

_“and i don’t wanna fall in love (this girl is only gonna break your heart)_   
_no, i don’t wanna fall in love (this girl is only gonna break your heart)_   
_oh, with you…”_

 

cheryl can feel toni’s warm breath hit the skin of her neck once more before her lips suddenly brush against cheryl’s earlobe, the hand at her knee skating just a little higher, and this time, cheryl doesn’t even fight back the moan that escapes her, eyes rolling into the back of her head, her whole body sparking with electricity and fire as she unconsciously clenches her legs together and turns her face towards toni’s, needing her touch, craving it so deeply, her fingers moving to touch toni’s thigh, gripping tightly, nails digging into that caramel flesh she’s dreamed of touching-

 

“i guess now you know what it’s like…” toni breathes right into her ear as cheryl finds herself sinking the nails of her other hand into the leather of the booth, the one on toni’s thigh squeezing, mouth dropped open and brows furrowed as she fights off the twisting in her stomach and the pounding between her legs-

 

“wh…what what’s l-like?” she manages to gasp out, eyelids fluttering and her chest heaving with heavy pants as she turns her face even more so her lips just brush against toni’s jaw, the girl’s nose skimming against her cheekbone as she breathes heavily against cheryl…

 

“being turned on with a single touch.” toni says huskily into her ear, her fingers fiddling with the hem of cheryl’s dress now at mid-thigh-

 

the sound of loud clapping and cheering has cheryl’s eyes snapping open and has toni pulling away from her suddenly in surprise, cheryl’s whole body shaking as she watches josie stand and take a bow while the crowd cheers for her like crazy. josie announces that she’ll be back later on tonight before she’s making her way backstage, and cheryl feels like cold water has just been dumped on top of her.

 

_what the fuck just happened?! what…oh god-_

 

cheryl jumps up from the booth quickly and makes her way to the stairs, the security guard hastily opening the rope for her as she flees without a backward glance, her skin flushed and her heart pounding. 

 

_what the fuck, cheryl, what the fuck was that-_

 

her vision is blurred with tears, her chest is aching terribly, and god, the pounding between her legs won’t _fucking go away-_

 

she’s never felt that before. that electricity, that spark, that _fire_ in her belly, holy fuck, this cannot be happening-

 

“cheryl! cheryl, please, wait!” 

 

she bursts through the doors of the club, gulping in the fresh air gratefully as her eyes sting painfully with tears of either fear or excitement, she has no fucking idea-

 

part of her is thankful for josie’s performance ending, and part of her wants nothing more than to rip her best friend’s hair out for interrupting her moment with toni, and it’s that thought alone that has her gasping for air in a panic, because she shouldn’t be _fucking thinking like that_ , but she is-

 

fuck, if that’s not the most alive she’s felt in the _longest_ time…

 

toni’s touch was electrifying and she finds herself yearning for it once more. toni’s touch fired off every nerve in her body, even bringing to life the ones cheryl didn’t know existed, and fuck, for the life of her, she can’t seem to get rid of the coil that’s tightening with each passing moment in her stomach-

 

she hears the sound of the doors opening once again before the sound of heels clacking on the concrete echoes out, and she looks up to see toni watching her with a frown, an apologetic look written all over her face as she wrings her hands nervously.

 

“i’m…i’m sorry, cheryl. i shouldn’t have done that, i just…i had way too much to drink way too quickly, but that’s not an excuse, and i’m…fuck, i’m so sorry, please, _please_ forgive me-.” 

 

“toni…” cheryl can barely get her name out, is so surprised by toni’s reaction, she’s never seen the girl so flustered and panicked before, but toni doesn’t hear her regardless, continues apologizing as tears begin to build in the pink haired girl’s eyes.

 

“that was completely out of line, _completely_ , i just…i read things wrong, really wrong, and you’re engaged, and my _client_ , and i…fuck, i’m just so _sorry-_ ”

 

“i liked it.” cheryl says in a low voice before she can really even stop herself.

 

but for once in her life, she finds herself not regretting the words she just said. because they’re true…probably the most truthful words she’s spoken to toni since she met her.

 

_cheryl, it’s the drinks talking, you need to stop-_

 

but she doesn’t want to…god, she doesn’t want to, god, she hasn’t felt like this since college, everything in her mind is so muddled, so _fucked_ , she can’t stop thinking about toni’s fingers brushing against the skin of her thigh and how _badly_ she wants toni to do it again…

 

toni freezes, eyes wide and staring as she looks at cheryl in complete and utter disbelief.

 

“repeat that, will you?” she breathes. cheryl looks at her, swallows the lump in her throat down before she licks her lips and shakes her head with a throaty chuckle quickly, desperate to stop this madness, to stop the person inside of her that wants to pin toni against the brick wall behind them-

 

“i…never mind, i think…i think the alcohol is getting to my head, too.” she murmurs. she can’t do this…she can’t, this is ridiculous, she’s drunk and toni’s drunk and they just got carried away, that’s all this is, it’s no big deal. there’s no feelings there, it was a mistake-

 

“cheryl-.”

 

“we’re drunk, toni. people do and say dumb things when they’re drunk, it’s okay! it didn’t mean anything!” cheryl says hastily and far too high pitched, offering her a shaky smile, but her whole body is still trembling, still flushed with heat from their encounter. toni’s frown only deepens, the worry in her eyes increasing with each passing second.

 

“still, i’m sorry, cheryl-.”

 

“don’t be. i…just, don’t be.” cheryl whispers, taking as many deep breaths in as she can, trying to calm her racing heart, trying to dispel the feelings of complete and utter _lust_ pounding through her right now…

 

_you’re drunk, that’s all this is, cheryl, that’s all this is…_

 

“i should go. thank you for inviting me, cheryl.” toni says in a small voice, prompting cheryl to frown as she looks at toni in surprise.

 

“what-no, we…we can forget it even happened, you don’t have to leave, toni-.”

 

“no, i…i really do. i’ll see you on tuesday, cheryl…” toni makes her way to the edge of the sidewalk, holding a hand up to hail down a cab, one of the many yellow vehicles on the road coming to a stop in front of her.

 

“toni…” cheryl whispers, her hand seemingly unconsciously reaching out to grab the pink haired girl, but she gets into the cab without a backwards glance, shutting the door behind her as cheryl watches the cab take off in shock, trying to wrap her mind around what the _fuck_ just happened.

 

\-------------

 

tuesday comes, and cheryl still has no idea how to explain what happened on sunday night. 

 

she’d barely slept when she’d returned home to her apartment from the club at midnight once josie’s set had finished, couldn’t even focus for the life of her at work yesterday, and her eyes are once again itching with fatigue, but she’s more troubled by how quickly her heart is racing and how her palms are sweating as she presses the fifth floor button on the elevator five times because _she has to._

 

she has no idea what to expect. is toni going to throw her out? will she freak out like she did outside the club and tell cheryl it was all a mistake?

 

_didn’t feel like a mistake to you though, did it, cheryl?_

 

she groans, desperately resisting the urge to pinch her skin as she bites down on her bottom lip in an attempt to stop herself from crying.

 

it was just flirtatious banter and touching, it’s not like it isn’t allowed, right?

 

she thinks of her parents, her heart immediately dropping at just the _thought_ of them finding out, and she swallows down the lump in her throat as the elevator dings and the doors open with a creak.

 

she steps outside on slightly trembling legs, making her way to the glass door with dread flooding throughout her entire body.

 

why is she so fucking nervous right now? if it meant nothing, if it was just flirtatious banter, why can’t she stop her palms from sweating? why can’t she stop thinking about the way toni had touched her, about the way toni had breathed so heavily against her with lust, those eyelids heavy, filled with fire-

 

“hey, cheryl! thank you so much for sunday night, it was so much fun! even if toni took off without even telling us…” midge guffaws with a chuckle, her voice breaking through cheryl’s thoughts as she looks around in surprise. she didn’t even realize she had walked in, fucking hell…

 

cheryl simply smiles as best as she can at the girl with a nod.

 

“that’s okay, midge, i’m glad you had a good time! is…” she exhales shakily, fists clenched and heart pounding before she nods towards toni’s door.

 

“is she ready for me?”

 

“always is! just knock!” midge says, waving her hand nonchalantly and dragging her eyes back down to her phone, like this isn’t about to be some major showdown that cheryl can’t bring herself to confront.

 

she stands there stupidly for over a minute, contemplating the idea of just running the fuck out of this building before she squares her shoulders, exhales deeply and turns to make her way down the hallway, stopping in front of the candy red door with her bottom lip clutched between her teeth.

 

_oh god…just breathe, cheryl, just breathe, everything’s going to be fine…_

 

cheryl raises her fist, hesitates for a moment, fingers curled and hovering over the door before she knocks five times with a shaky breath. 

 

silence for what feels like the longest time before:

 

“come in…” 

 

just the sound of her voice has cheryl blinking back tears as she grips the handle and slowly pushes the door open, making her way inside.

 

the smell of lavender hits her nostrils, the scent stinging her sense slightly as she sniffs once and steps in, eyes immediately falling on toni.

 

toni, who for once, isn’t sitting behind her desk.

 

she’s laying on the couch in the corner of the room, legs crossed, hands resting on her stomach, staring up at the ceiling in complete and utter stillness. cheryl’s heart falls before it quickly picks up pace, and she closes the door behind her softly before she finally gathers up the courage to speak.

 

“toni?” she whispers, her voice weak and shaking as the pink haired girl closes her eyes at the sound of cheryl’s voice, a heavy sigh escaping her.

 

she still doesn’t move.

 

“hey, cheryl...” she says simply, her voice so different to any other time cheryl’s heard it, small and hoarse, almost like she’s been crying…

 

oh god, she’s been crying-

 

“toni, i…is everything okay?” cheryl asks, immediately feeling dumb for asking as she slowly makes her way further into the office, her feet carrying her subconsciously closer to toni.

 

toni is silent as cheryl finally comes to a stop right beside her, dropping down in the chair that’s pulled up next to the couch, but toni still doesn’t make a motion to move or even look at her, lips pursed and bloodshot eyes glued to the ceiling.

 

it’s quiet for a long time, and cheryl doesn’t dare speak, out of fear of what will come out of her mouth or because she doesn’t want toni to feel forced to say something, she isn’t sure. 

 

it feels like hours before toni finally shifts, a shaky sigh escaping her as she finally turns her head to look at cheryl with this look in her eyes that cheryl can’t begin to decipher.

 

“this is our last session together, cheryl.” she croaks out. 

 

cheryl’s heart stops.

 

“wh-what?” she breathes, her whole body just _deflating_ into the chair as her nails grip the leather of the couch tightly.

 

_no…no, this isn’t happening, i **need** her-_

 

“i’ll be transferring you to another therapist here. her name is veronica, she’s great at what she does, cheryl, i promise-.”

 

"no...n-no, you can't do that-." cheryl stutters out, but toni keeps talking over the top of her, like she's barely heard her.

 

"she'll look after you, she's one of the best therapists i know-."

 

“but she isn’t _you!_ ” cheryl cries out before she can stop herself, tears welling in her eyes and falling quickly down her cheeks as toni lets out a deep sigh and turns her gaze back towards the ceiling. cheryl just stares at her, speechless, unable to process what toni is trying to say.

 

she can’t lose toni, she _can’t_ , toni’s been helping her so much-

 

“toni…please, if this is about sunday-.”

 

“of course it’s about sunday, cheryl, i…we can’t do this, i can’t do this…” toni says hoarsely, her throat bobbing as she blinks rapidly in an effort to expel the tears that are building. 

 

“do _what?_ toni…please, why are you doing this?” cheryl whispers, leaning in closer, trying to get toni to look at her, but the woman refuses, eyes still glued to the ceiling-

 

and cheryl finds an anger flooding her as she jumps up from the chair and sits on the edge of the couch toni’s laying on, sitting by her waist and looking down at her in nothing but anguish.

 

“you can’t just tell me you’re transferring me to someone else and not explain why!” cheryl hisses, reaching out to grip toni’s wrist, fingers circling around it, and toni’s hand twitches at her touch, but doesn’t move, her whole body stiffening as she swallows thickly and clenches her jaw, still refusing to look at the red head before her.

 

“everything about this is _wrong_ , cheryl. i can’t help myself when i’m around you, don’t you understand that?” toni says firmly. cheryl stares at her in confusion, not understanding what the hell she’s talking about.

 

“i…toni, what happened on sunday was a one time thing! we were drunk and it's not like you've ever been...i don't know, _unprofessional_ with me inside this office! god, i...i don’t understand-.”

 

“cheryl, the second you stepped through that door, i was gone. do you understand how fucking _beautiful_ you are? you…you floored me. completely and utterly.” toni says in almost defeated voice.

 

cheryl freezes, words escaping her, thoughts racing as she tries to process what toni just said.

 

_cheryl…cheryl, fuck, cheryl, what are you gonna do…_

 

toni thinks she’s beautiful. toni…toni likes her…

 

cheryl’s grip on toni’s wrist tightens briefly, her mind fighting the thoughts that are hitting her all at once, ones of excitement, of happiness, of…of reciprocation-

 

_no…no, cheryl, you don’t…you don’t like her back, you **don’t-**_

 

“t-toni…”

 

“what happened on sunday, cheryl…it was disgusting and inexcusable!” toni’s says shakily but strongly, like she’s trying to get her point across, but cheryl won’t hear a word of it.

 

it doesn’t matter. none of it matters, fuck, she can’t _lose her._

 

“toni…you…i can’t lose you, okay? you’ve been helping me so much-.”

 

“it doesn’t matter. veronica can help you now.” toni says bluntly. cheryl huffs in frustration, sniffing back her tears as she lets go of toni’s wrist and crosses her arms over her chest almost like a petulant child.

 

“this is ridiculous, toni! we…we can put our feelings aside-.”

 

“ _our_ feelings?” toni says suddenly, looking at cheryl with wide eyes, and the red head actually stops breathing.

 

her chest constricts, the infamous band tightening around it, stopping her from drawing a breath in as she chokes out a reply.

 

“i…y-your f-feelings…i meant your feelings.” she gasps out, nails digging into her bicep, but the damage is done.

 

because toni suddenly sits up, hands digging into the couch palm side down to push herself up as she looks into cheryl’s eyes, sadness and grief swirling deep in those brown depths that cheryl finds herself quickly getting lost in. 

 

“cheryl…” toni whispers breathlessly, tongue snaking out to lick her lips as cheryl stares at her, equally out of breath, eyes watching the way toni’s tongue wets her lips almost hypnotically…

 

“we…we were drunk, toni. we got c-carried away, it h-happens. it didn’t mean anything.” cheryl says firmly despite how much her voice and her whole body is shaking. toni smiles almost sadly, her head tilting as she stares at cheryl in wonder.

 

“cheryl…my whole life, i’ve never felt what i felt when i touched you…” she says softly. cheryl’s heart stops again, her breathing erratic as she bites back a whimper and drops her gaze, unable to take the look in toni’s eyes any longer.

 

and the words that escape her are something she can’t even stop if she tried. because it’s the truth…and cheryl can’t help but tell the truth around toni…

 

“i’ve…i’ve never felt that, either.” she croaks out. toni’s smile falters, that sadness in her eyes deepening as she lets out a deep sigh.

 

“cheryl…i don’t think you were just experimenting in college.” she whispers. cheryl’s head snaps up to look at her in surprise.

 

_what? what the hell is she talking about?_

 

“what?” cheryl breathes. toni hesitates, brows furrowed with concern, and for the first time since cheryl walked in here, toni actually reaches out to take her hands, squeezing them almost reassuringly.

 

“you said you and archie broke up so you could find yourselves…cheryl, i think you found yourself that day you slept with that girl. and i think deep down…you know you did, too.” toni says in a low voice. 

 

cheryl stares.

 

and stares.

 

_what? no that’s…that’s ridiculous-_

 

toni has no idea what she’s talking about. cheryl…no, it was a one time thing and cheryl didn’t even like it-

 

_liar. complete and utter liar, it was the best thing you’ve ever experienced in your pathetic little life-_

 

no. no, she’s wrong, cheryl’s not…she’s not…

 

“i…toni, no, that’s ridiculous, i…i’m not…i’m n-not gay, okay? what happened on sunday, it…it was just us being drunk and getting carried away, it didn’t mean anything, and it _definitely_ doesn’t mean that i’m gay!” cheryl says quickly, jumping up from the couch like she’s just been shocked with static, fingers running through her red hair, eyes flitting towards the door to make an escape- 

 

“cheryl, i’ve…i’ve been trying to get you to open your eyes for weeks now, ever since you told me-.”

 

“you’re _wrong!_ and if you can’t accept that i don’t want you in that way, if you’d rather throw me to the wolves and force me to see some new therapist, then…then you’re a coward, toni topaz!” cheryl growls, her anger getting the better of her as she grabs her bag and makes her way towards the door, because that’s all this is, isn’t it?

 

toni can’t handle the fact that cheryl isn’t gay and doesn’t want her, can’t handle that she’s straight, that’s…that’s what this is, and now she’s just gonna palm cheryl off to some new therapist? fine, fuck her, cheryl can do this without her help-

 

“repeat that, will you?” toni says in a low voice just as cheryl’s hand closes on the handle of the door, ready and desperate to make an exit.

 

“i…wh-what?” cheryl spins around, glaring at her in rage, fist tightening around the door as toni suddenly moves off the couch and slowly begins making her way towards cheryl, the red head hypnotized by the way her hips almost sway enchantingly-

 

_stop it, cheryl, get out of here, now!_

 

“repeat what you just said.” toni says firmly, stepping closer and closer, and cheryl’s completely frozen, watching her, unable to speak, throat closed tight as she swallows painfully and purses her lips with a small shake of her head.

 

toni comes to a stop right in front of her, eyes roaming up and down her body as she bites down on her bottom lip before finally meeting her eyes, brown against brown.

 

“say that you don’t want me again.” toni says, voice firm, almost demanding. cheryl’s grip on the handle tightens, her heart racing, her mind spinning, and toni steps even closer, the smell of her sugary perfume invading cheryl’s senses, making her whole body shake and shudder. 

 

“i…i d-don’t…” cheryl starts, stepping back slightly and almost hitting the door in an effort to get away from toni, but the girl just steps closer, and cheryl finds herself inhaling sharply as toni raises an eyebrow and places her hands on either side of cheryl's head against the door behind her, arms spread to give her plenty of room to move, but it still feels like she's suffocating, her entire being _drowning_ in everything toni topaz-

 

_fuck…fuck, fuck, touch me again, please-_

 

“come on, tell me. tell me i'm just some phase, cheryl.” toni whispers, stepping so close, cheryl can almost count her eyelashes, her head falling against the door with a gasp before toni’s suddenly tucking a lock of hair behind cheryl’s ear gently, goosebumps immediately rising on the girl’s skin at her touch.

 

_oh god, i can’t breathe-_

 

how can something so simple feel so fucking _good?_

 

“tell me you don’t want me, cheryl.” toni breathes, face inches away from cheryl’s, her nose brushing against cheryl’s, lips so close to where cheryl wants them-

 

toni’s fingers brush against her pulse point, thumb digging in slightly and causing cheryl to bite back a groan, eyes rolling into the back of her head at the way her spine seems to just fucking curl in response, foot lifting up and causing her heel to scratch against the door wantonly-

 

"tell me i'm wrong, cheryl. tell me i'm wrong, thinking you want me as badly as i want you...please...please tell me i'm wrong..." toni whispers, panting breathlessly against cheryl, this tone in her voice that's almost pleading, and cheryl wants to tell her she's wrong, god, she wants to say that so badly...

 

but toni's lips just ghost over her jawline, her nose just slightly brushing across her bottom lip as a result, and the resulting fire that spreads throughout her body-

 

cheryl just _snaps._

 

“i…c-can't, i...fuck, toni, i _want_ you, i want you, please…” she whines, arching into her touch, chest heaving and eyes fluttering closed as toni gasps softly, nails digging slightly into the back of cheryl’s neck and her thumb pressing even harder into her pulse point.

 

the words leave her, and all cheryl can think about is how fucking _true_ they are. because she does, god, she does, she’s pretty sure she’s wanted toni since she first fucking laid on eyes on her, everything about her is desirable, she doesn’t just want her, she…fuck, she _craves_ her, god, why isn’t toni _touching her-_

 

toni’s lips hover over the skin of her jaw, soft puffs of breath hitting cheryl’s skin and making her lean forward until their foreheads touch slightly, desperate to get as close to toni as possible-

 

“that’s…that’s why we can’t do this, cheryl.” toni croaks out, and in what feels like a second, toni’s warmth leaves her, the girl stepping back with this look in her eyes of deep regret that leaves cheryl panting breathlessly against the door, staring at her in a dazed confusion as her heart tries to calm down from what just happened.

 

“what? i-.”

 

“you’re my client, cheryl. i’m your doctor, you’re my patient, and this…we can’t do _this._ ” toni’s voice cracks with emotion, tears welling in her eyes as she licks her lips and steps even further away from cheryl, almost like she’s desperate to get as far away from her as possible.

 

“but-.”

 

“no, cher, this…this is breaking a hundred and fifty different legal codes, breaks the oath i made when i became a psychiatrist to not get intimate or physical in _any way_ with _any_ of my patients, and…god, fuck, cheryl, you’re _engaged!_ we can’t do this, we just…we _can’t._ ” toni whispers, shaking her head in despair, pink curls moving almost mesmerizingly while cheryl simply stands there, numb, unable to move or breathe or think-

 

 _you can’t lose her…_

 

god, seeing toni, having these sessions with her…it’s the only thing keeping her going at this point, the only thing that excites her anymore, the only thing that makes her smile, for toni to take that from her right now…

 

“toni…p-please…you’re the only person who listens to me, the only one who understand m-me, i can’t lose what we have, these sessions, it’s…it’s the only thing getting me through the day. the only thing making me happy, you can’t take that from me…” cheryl cries brokenly, tears falling down her cheeks in anguish. toni purses her lips, eyes fluttering closed as she exhales through her nose before she opens her eyes and looks at cheryl in defeat.

 

“is it the sessions that make you happy, cheryl? or…or is it me?” 

 

_fuck…_

 

cheryl blinks a few times, the two options before her juggling over and over again in her mind. if she answers truthfully, toni will probably leave for good, but if she lies…if she lies, toni might stay, she just might stay-

 

her hesitation is all the answer toni needs, however, because she smiles sadly at cheryl before she ducks her head with a mournful sigh.

 

“i think it’s best that i take some time off, cher. i’m…i’m gonna go back to riverdale, focus on the house and just…try to get my bearings about all of this.” toni says hoarsely, gripping the back of the chair cheryl usually sits on in front of her desk and leaning against it with her hands clutching the leather tightly.

 

_no...no she can't leave..._

 

cheryl feels nothing but defeat sweep through her as she bows her head and nods once, fighting back the whimper building in her throat.

 

“wh-when are you coming back?” she manages to say in a small voice. she hears toni sigh softly before she answers.

 

“i don’t know, cheryl. i just…i need time to think. and i think you do, too.” she rasps out. 

 

this can’t be happening…god, why is this happening, she can’t lose toni, this isn’t fair…it isn’t fair, she _doesn’t_ have feelings for her-

 

_lie, total lie…if you didn’t have feelings for her, you wouldn’t be so fucking upset about the idea of going to a new therapist, in fact, you’d **encourage** it…just admit it, cheryl, just fucking admit it-_

 

god, her mind is so fucked right now, but all she knows is that the idea of not having these sessions with toni anymore breaks her heart more than anything else ever has.

 

“toni…please don’t go, please don’t do this, please…” cheryl whispers, stepping forward, hands reaching out for the girl before her, but toni refuses to look at her as she steps away from the chair and turns her back to cheryl, making her way to her desk and gripping the edge of it between her fingers tightly.

 

“i think it’s time you leave, cheryl.” she says firmly, back still turned, refusing to turn to even look at her.

 

and all cheryl can do is fight back the sob that threatens to escape her chest as she grabs the handle to the door and all but rips it open, fleeing the office and trying her best to keep her breakdown from happening until she gets back to her apartment.

 

she barely makes it to her car. 

 

her forehead makes contact with the steering wheel as she sobs openly, hands scrabbling at her chest and gripping the fabric of her shirt as she tries her best to just breathe, but nothing seems to work, her mind spinning wildly at the million and one revelations and thoughts running through it right now, but she can’t.

 

she feels so utterly defeated, she just…can’t.

 

she gets home by some fucking miracle, and as soon as she’s through the door, she’s heading straight to her room and curling up under the covers. 

 

and when she turns on her side and inhales the smell of archie’s shampoo on his side of the bed and finds herself wishing instead it was the sugary smell of toni’s perfume, she simply buries her face into her pillow and sobs into it until she finally falls asleep.


	7. all you cause is death and destruction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha...hmm...
> 
> so this is the longest chapter and is probably going to be the most polarizing/controversial chapter in a way? it's clocking in at just under 12K and, uh...yeah, a lot of shit goes down. there is no smooth road for choni in this fic, please be aware of that, this is gonna be like...a bumpy fucking ride. 
> 
> there was a little bit of like...not hate but distaste over toni's actions in the last chapter and i wanna make it clear: she's totally aware she fucked up, and she'll address it in this chapter because keep in mind, toni may not be cheryl's therapist anymore, but the issue of what she did is still there, and...you know, cheryl's engaged, so that complicates things even more, lol. 
> 
> point is, don't hate me? but also, totally understand if you do, lmao. this is a pretty fucked up situation that they may not even get out of because i'm all about realism in my stories! (says a woman who wrote an entire ahs: coven au)
> 
> IN OTHER NEWS, FINALE IS TONIGHT, WHEW. are we excited?! i'm excited! anyway, as always:
> 
> twitter: @endofdaysforme
> 
> leave a comment letting me know what you think, or you can hit me up on twitter! 
> 
> tw: mentions of abuse, mentions of gang and gun violence, and whew, the comp het is fucking STRONG in this chapter, so uh...read cautiously if those are triggers. 
> 
> love you guys, and i hope you enjoy this chapter and the finale!

the shrill sound of a phone ringing is what pulls cheryl out of her restless sleep, her nose blocked and her eyes itching as she reaches under her pillow, inching closer and closer to her vibrating phone until her fingers close around it.

 

she declines the call without even checking the caller id.

 

she doesn’t want to talk to anyone.

 

she knows going this long without talking to anyone is eventually going to cause some worry, but she’s at least texted people back telling them she’s fine, including archie. she told him she was just busy with work.

 

that’s a lie.

 

it’s been over a week. over a week since she left toni’s office…over a week since she’s heard from her, spoken to her, had anything to _do_ with her…

 

she was supposed to have a session with veronica yesterday, but cheryl couldn’t bring herself to go. she called midge and cancelled. because the thought of having to walk into someone else’s office, the thought of having to tell someone else everything about herself…she can’t do it.

 

and it pisses her off. it makes her so fucking mad that she can’t just talk to veronica, move on from what happened with toni, but toni earned her trust, and now…

 

god, what happened? cheryl still doesn’t understand it, her brain can’t wrap around anything that’s happened…cheryl wishes more than anything that she could contact toni, ask her to just please talk to her, she has her fucking number to do so, but…she can’t.

 

toni asked for space, and cheryl wants to give that to her. but it’s killing her, not knowing what’s going on in toni’s mind, she doesn’t even know what the fuck is going on in her own fucking mind, everything is just such a mess, and cheryl feels like her whole life is spiraling at this point. 

 

does she like toni? of course she does, but does she like her in _that way?_

 

_no…no you don’t, you don’t, cheryl-_

 

but cheryl can’t fucking deny it, she _can’t._ she can’t deny the way she felt when toni touched her, can’t deny how toni makes her feel…her whole life, she’s never felt anything like that, it was like her whole body sparked with electricity, it’s….it’s undeniable at this point. there is something there, and it fucking terrifies her.

 

she knows toni feels guilty for what she did, but they were drunk…alcohol makes people do stupid shit, it’s not like cheryl’s upset about it…she’s _definitely_ not upset about it. but toni hasn’t even attempted to text her, and cheryl just needs to know if she’s okay.

 

but more than anything, she _misses_ her. she misses toni’s smile, and her laugh, and the way she always makes cheryl feel so safe and so warm, like nothing can touch her or harm her as long as toni’s around…she misses the sound of her voice, she misses _everything_ about that woman, but she knows at the end of the day…toni’s right.

 

this could cause so much trouble for toni…cheryl’s her patient and toni’s her doctor…toni had a duty of care here, and if they do anything beyond that level of a relationship, she could lose her job, her license, could possibly face legal action as well, and cheryl doesn’t want to put her through that. as confused about everything as she is, she doesn’t want to cause toni any harm. she cares about her…she really fucking cares about her.

 

but she’s not gay, she can’t be…god, she’s with _archie-_

 

_oh god, archie…_

 

her phone begins ringing loudly once again, and cheryl looks at her phone and groans at the sight of the caller id.

 

_think of the devil…_

 

she hesitates before she sighs and answers it, blinking her eyes rapidly and wincing at how badly they burn with pain from how much she’s been crying over the last week.

 

“hello?”

 

“hey, honey…god, you still don’t sound so good, how are you feeling?” archie asks softly, his voice filled with sadness at the sound of cheryl’s voice sounding so nasally.

 

he thinks she’s been fighting the cold for the last week and a half after cheryl had answered a call last wednesday sounding just like she sounds now: voice hoarse and weak.

 

cheryl doesn’t have the heart to tell him she’s not sick, she’s exhausted…doesn’t have the heart to tell him she’s spent the last week crying over losing the woman he’s building a house for. 

 

_everything is so fucked up right now…_

 

how she’s managed to compose herself from nine to five while at work is beyond her. she’s pretty sure it has something to do with entering a completely numb mind set where she doesn’t think about anything until she comes back into this apartment and everything hits her again.

 

toni is gone, and it’s her fault. 

 

“horrible. still horrible, arch…” cheryl mumbles, tears once again pricking her eyes, causing them to burn painfully from the amount of tears she’s cried for the last week and a half, the corners of her eyes rubbed raw from tissues and the sleeve of her shirt rubbing against them to dry the tears-

 

“ah, dammit…i was gonna come to new york this weekend, but...i don’t think i can make it, cheryl, i’m so sorry.” 

 

“no…no, don’t do be, archie. the sooner you get this job done the sooner you can come home.” cheryl croaks out, her whole body aching as she turns over onto her back with a loud sniff.

 

“yeah, well…that’s the thing. the reason i can’t make it is because toni’s been here for the last week or so and she’s paying my dad extra to get this place done as soon as he possibly can now. if he had us working around the clock before, we’re practically getting an hour of sleep a night at this point.” 

 

cheryl’s heart stops. she sits up wildly, her mind racing at the mention of the pink haired girl, mouth dry, eyes burning with more tears-

 

_she’s in riverdale…god, she said she was going back, how could i fucking forget-_

 

“cheryl?”

 

“i’m h-here.” cheryl manages to gasp out, her mind racing as she licks her lips before the question is leaving her in a rush.

 

“how is she?” she whispers.

 

“how’s who, honey?” archie asks simply. cheryl closes her eyes, sighing deeply before she opens them with a frown.

 

“toni…how is she?” cheryl croaks out. 

 

“oh! yeah, she’s okay i guess…i haven’t really interacted with her, she’s mostly talking with dad, he’s kind of the one in charge, but she seems okay.” archie says nonchalantly. cheryl clenches her jaw, wishing more than anything that she could be there to see her-

 

wait.

 

“anyway, maybe we can try again next weekend-.”

 

“no, i’ll…i’ll come to riverdale.” cheryl says quickly. 

 

_cheryl, no…no, don’t do it-_

 

“really? cheryl, if you’re still feeling sick-.”

 

“no, i’m…i should be fine by friday, i can come down to see you.” cheryl manages to get out, already throwing the blankets off herself with a sniff, looking around the room as if she’s about to pack her bags right now, and part of her wants to.

 

_cheryl, stop, you can’t use this as an excuse-_

 

“are you sure?” archie asks with concern.

 

“positive.” cheryl says simply.

 

“okay…okay, yeah, cool! i’m so excited to see you! i’ve missed you so much!” archie says breathlessly with excitement, causing cheryl to stop short with her foot hovering over the side of the bed.

 

the guilt grips her heavily, latching on tightly before she can stop it. archie’s so excited to see her, and all cheryl can think about is using this trip as an excuse to see someone else.

 

_this isn’t right…it isn’t right, what you’re doing, cheryl…_

 

“i…i miss you, too. i’ll be there, archie.” cheryl says hoarsely, eyes fluttering closed as archie laughs softly before he’s suddenly cursing under his breath.

 

“crap, i gotta go, but i’m so happy you’re coming! let me know how you go, okay? if you get worse, don’t make the trip, alright? your health comes first, cheryl.” archie says firmly. cheryl simply nods numbly, whispering a simple ‘of course’ before archie says his goodbyes.

 

“okay, see you in two days! bye, honey, i love you!” 

 

as soon as the dial tone hits her, cheryl kind of just sits there, unable to feel or think or breathe, really.

 

is she really going to do this? she can’t just show up in riverdale to see archie, then go behind his back to go and see toni, can she?

 

_it’s not like you’re cheating, god, cheryl…you’re just checking up on a friend that’s all!_

 

right…right, cheryl’s just worried about toni, she just wants to know if she’s okay, that’s all…it’s got nothing to do with anything else at all. maybe they can talk about what happened and hash it out and move on from it and toni can come back and everything will be okay…she can explain to toni that what happened at the bar and in her office were just…were just moments where she had a lapse in judgement, the cloudy haze of intoxication making her act in ways she used to when she was in college in the same predicament.

 

it doesn’t mean she’s gay, because she’s not. she just really cares about toni, and maybe they both misinterpreted that as romantic and sexual energy when it’s not, and that’s fine. they can move on from it, they can…

 

cheryl jumps up from the bed, making her way to the bathroom to wash her face in an attempt to get some clarity. 

 

two days…two days and she can make the drive to riverdale, she can see archie and she can find toni and finally put an end to all of this craziness.

 

\------------------

 

the drive to riverdale feels so much longer to cheryl than it actually is, feels like she’s been driving for a day, not three hours as she speeds past the sign that says _“welcome to riverdale”_ , her brain scattered, but also somehow clear.

 

she’s been fiddling with her phone in the little plastic holder on the dashboard the entire drive here, contemplating whether she should text toni to tell her she was in town, but she’s scared that toni will just run the second she finds out…or get mad at her for practically following her. toni asked for space and cheryl’s breaching that by fucking coming here, but if she can just explain to toni what happened…toni would give her that chance, right?

 

well, at least she has time to think about it. she’ll see toni tomorrow, give herself some time with her fiancé…

 

her fiancé…she loves archie, she does, she loves him so much-

 

_“but are you **in love** with him?”_

 

toni’s words echo in her mind, causing tears to well in her eyes when the glaringly obvious answer hangs in her mind, swinging like a pendulum, back and forth, over and over again as she pulls up into the andrews’s driveway, but as she has for the last eight years, she ignores it completely and plasters a smile on her face as she turns the wheel. 

 

the second she puts the car into park and exits the car, the front porch light flicks on and the door opens-

 

and archie andrews steps outside, this gigantic grin on his face as he makes his way over to his fiancé with a cheer of excitement.

 

before cheryl can even process what’s happening, archie’s picking her up off her feet with a growl of happiness, hugging her close and causing cheryl to squeal before she laughs, unable to contain the joy at seeing him again.

 

she does love him…god, she really, really loves him…

 

“i’ve missed you so much.” archie breathes, finally setting her down onto her feet before he cradles her face into his hands and kisses her gently, and cheryl grips onto his shirt and reciprocates as best as she can, but with archie’s lips pressed against her own, she feels…

 

nothing. god, please, she has to feel at least _something-_

 

“i missed you, too.” she lies through her teeth, smiling as best as she can as archie pecks her lips once more with a grin before he moves to the backseat to grab her bags while cheryl just stands there, trying to understand how she could ever lie so easily for so many years when none of it is true. 

 

she’s barely even noticed his absence these last few weeks he’s been here in riverdale instead of home with her at their apartment in new york…

 

but one week without toni, and it’s like her whole world has imploded.

 

_you can’t keep doing this to him, cheryl…_

 

how has toni impacted her so quickly? god, how is that even possible, for this girl she’s known for only a few weeks now to cause such chaos in her heart? how can this girl she’s known for only a few weeks have more of an effect on her with a single touch than a kiss from her boyfriend of eight years ever has? 

 

“come on, dad just finished making some dinner! we only got home from work about an hour ago, it’s been crazy…” archie says suddenly into her ear, gripping her hand in his own and smiling as he drags cheryl along to the front door with her bag clutched in his other hand. 

 

fred welcomes her with open arms, and the guilt almost makes her want to cry, because fred looks tired, but he tells cheryl he’s more determined to get the job done so he can focus on the wedding in three months’ time.

 

“toni’s here with us now for an undetermined amount of time, but having her on site every day is helping more than it’s hindering, so it’s definitely helped the process along! at this point we should be done in about a month or so, at the rate we’re going! gives us more time to focus on the wedding planning!” 

 

archie’s responding grin only causes cheryl’s heart to clench, and she digs into her food for an excuse not to say anything as archie begins talking about plans for what to do tomorrow.

 

they eat dinner before they watch a movie in the main room, and cheryl finds herself cuddling up to archie just for comfort, smiling when the boy wraps an arm around her and places a kiss to the crown of her head.

 

because she loves him, she really does…she does, but…god, toni was supposed to help with all of this and instead, she’s just made everything more complicated…

 

anger sweeps through her at the thought of the woman who’s turned her whole life upside down, not so much at the girl herself, but at the situation she’s landed herself in before archie tells her he’s retiring for the night, and the both of them head upstairs with fred calling out to his son to be bright eyed and bushy tailed by six. archie simply groans in response and tells him he’ll be there before he and cheryl make their way to his old bedroom, archie closing the door behind them as cheryl reaches for her suitcase to get her nightgown and toiletries.

 

“man, i’m exhausted.” archie huffs, reaching for the collar of his shirt to tug it up and over his head as cheryl simply smiles at him and takes her nightgown out of her back before making her way to the door. 

 

“bathroom.” she mumbles, leaning forward to press a quick kiss to his cheek before she makes her way out of the bedroom and into the bathroom down the hallway. she changes into her nightgown, quickly brushes her teeth and washes her face, her usual routine before she makes her way into the bedroom to see archie already laying on top of the bed with just his boxers on, his hands crossed under his head as he stares up at the ceiling.

 

his eyes immediately move down to cheryl once she comes in with a smile, and cheryl returns it before she moves to her suitcase to put her toothbrush and toiletries away.

 

she’s barely unzipped the top part before archie’s suddenly jumping up from the bed and moving behind her slowly, running his hands up and down her arms, his lips pressing a kiss to her temple before they trail down to the spot beneath her ear that always makes her giggle when his stubble rubs against it.

 

but this time, cheryl feels nothing but shame, her body tensing up at his touch and tears welling in her eyes as archie reaches down to run his fingers over the hem of her nightgown, just ghosting over the skin of her upper thigh…

 

“i missed you, honey.” he whispers, fingers pinching the fabric and pulling it up-

 

“i’m s-sick, archie. it’s p-probably best if we don’t.” cheryl practically stutters out, jumping out of his touch and pushing him back gently with her heart hammering in her chest. archie blinks once in surprise before he frowns, a heavy sigh escaping him as those brown eyes of his fill with concern.

 

“cheryl, it’s been months since we had sex, did…did i do something wrong?” he asks with worry, brows furrowed and lips pursed as cheryl feels her heart plummet to somewhere beneath her toes at his words. 

 

_“i slept with a woman in college, too.”_

 

_“did you enjoy it?”_

 

_“yeah…that i definitely enjoyed.”_

 

“i…” 

 

_tell him, cheryl…please, just end this fucking nightmare and tell him…you can’t do this anymore…_

 

cheryl takes a deep breath in…

 

“n-no…no, of course n-not, archie, you’re…you’re _perfect._ i just still don’t feel well, and i don’t want to get you sick when you’ve been working so hard…” cheryl squeaks out in a small voice, smiling and blinking back her tears as archie watches her for a few moments before his face breaks out into a smile. he grips her face in his hands once more, kissing her softly before he pulls back with a chuckle.

 

“always looking out for me.” he murmurs, pressing a kiss to her brow before he wraps his arms around her and holds her close.

 

and cheryl finds herself burying her face into archie’s bare chest, biting back a whimper as she holds him back just as tightly, trying her hardest not to think about how false those words are and how much she wishes it were a different pair of arms holding her.

 

\---------------

 

she wakes up to archie pressing a kiss to her temple before he takes off to work, and long after the sound of fred’s truck disappears down the street does cheryl actually begin to properly stir, a heavy sigh escaping her as she reaches for her phone to check the time.

 

seven in the morning.

 

she contemplated going to work with archie last night, but the idea of bombarding toni with her presence isn’t all that appealing.

 

but cheryl does have an idea.

 

it’s too early to call him now, and she’s pretty sure if she goes waking up jughead jones at seven in the morning, he might just decide to never speak to her again, so she finds herself scrolling down instead to find betty’s number.

 

however, she barely makes it to ‘c’ before her phone begins buzzing.

 

and when cheryl sees the caller id at the top, her heart stops altogether.

 

_oh fuck…fuck, please, no, not now-_

 

her mother’s name. right there, calling her, don’t answer it, don’t answer it-

 

she swipes her finger across the phone before raising it to her ear with a trembling hand, too terrified of the repercussions of her not answering the woman’s call to ignore it.

 

“hello?”

 

“cheryl, archie told us that you were coming to town. did you arrive?” penelope says curtly. cheryl inhales sharply, swallowing the lump in her throat as she silently curses her fiancé in her mind before answering.

 

“yes.” she says simply. 

 

“hmmm, good. i need you to come to thornhill as soon as possible, there’s some plans for the wedding i’d like to go over with you.” 

 

no ‘how are you’, no checking in on her, seeing if she’s okay, if she needs anything…just straight to the point, as always.

 

cheryl licks her lips, panic quickly gripping her, but before she can even respond, penelope is sighing loudly and giving her no option.

 

“i expect to see you in an hour, cheryl. make haste.” 

 

the dial tone echoes out, and cheryl looks down at her phone in nothing but anger, glaring at it and wondering just how the fuck she’s supposed to get out of this one.

 

there’s nothing she can do, really, she has to go.

 

_fuck, this is ridiculous…_

 

she does not want to spend this weekend catering to her mother, she came here to see toni and archie, not put up with her mother’s incessant bullying…

 

_don’t let her get to you, cheryl…_

 

but how is she supposed to? sure, she spoke about everything with toni, but it’s not like it helped her solve the issue, helped her figure out a way to handle her mother’s abuse, it just gave her an outlet, someone to basically throw all her burdens to…

 

god, no wonder toni left…she took one look at cheryl’s past and decided she wasn’t worth it…

 

cheryl growls under her breath, refuses to cry at the thought before she throws the covers off herself and grabs clothes out of her suitcase, making her way to the bathroom to shower quickly and get changed. 

 

she’s making her way out of the andrews’s home with her face covered in makeup, a black pencil skirt and a white lace shirt on with the pair of black louboutins heels her mother always hums in approval at and no breakfast in her stomach because she’s already running late and she’s not about to piss her mother off, lest she suffer more bruises as a result. 

 

when she gets to thornhill and knocks on the door, the maid answers, cheryl offering her a small smile before she tells her that her mother is in the backyard. cheryl sighs and makes her way to the back doors, leading out to the garden and the pool, where her mother is sitting at one of the tables with a bowl of fruit in front of her.

 

“you’re late.” her mother says firmly, turning a page of the magazine she’s reading without even looking up at her daughter. cheryl sighs and plucks a grape from the bowl in front of her mother, her stomach turning hungrily before she collapses into the seat beside her. 

 

“i had to see archie off to work. now, what do you need from me, mother?” 

 

penelope glares at her angrily before she huffs and raises an eyebrow.

 

“i need you to be excited about your wedding, cheryl.” penelope says somewhat calmly, her voice only slightly shaking. 

 

_great, here we go again…_

 

cheryl forces herself to breathe deeply as she reaches down to pinch the skin of her thigh to distract herself before she sighs and shakes her head.

 

“i am, mother. i’m just tired, archie hasn’t been home and i want to do the wedding planning with _him_. this is just as much his wedding as it is mine. we can handle it on our own, there’s no need for you to bother yourself with things like decorations and venues and whatever else you have planned. archie and i handle it, we’ll do it, together.” cheryl says simply, sinking back into her chair and resisting the urge to rub her eyes from fatigue lest she ruin her makeup. 

 

_always maintain a picture of perfection around them, cheryl, always…_

 

her mother stares at her for a long time, as if she’s trying to determine if cheryl’s telling the truth. 

 

“well…you better spend this weekend planning then, cheryl, because three months is ticking closer and closer, and i expect this wedding to be flawless. you haven’t even picked out a dress yet.” penelope says, falling back into her seat with a sigh as her eyes trail down to her magazine once more. cheryl simply gives her a fake smile and nods.

 

“of course, mother. it will be. and i’ll go dress shopping with josie once i get back to new york.”

 

“hmm…good.” 

 

anything to make her happy and keep her off her back. 

 

if penelope found out at all, _any_ of the thoughts going through her mind right now, cheryl wouldn’t be surprised if penelope brandished a knife and chased her around thornhill with it. this has been her life for twenty five years, pretending she’s happy, keeping her mother and father complacent and cheerful by pretending for so fucking long, and as much as she’s tired of it, she’s scared to do anything about it.

 

if they ever found out about her time with that girl in college…ever found out about the thoughts she’s had about toni for the last few weeks…

 

_i’m not gay…i’m not gay, i can’t be, they’ll kill me, it just can’t be true…_

 

her mother asks her about work, then waffles on about jason and how well he’s doing with their branch in los angeles, this look of pride in her eyes that cheryl has never, _ever_ seen before when she’s spoken about cheryl herself, and cheryl finds herself gritting her teeth and asking one of the maids to fetch her a glass of water, something she absolutely _hates_ doing, because she’s perfectly capable of doing mundane things like getting a fucking glass of water on her own…

 

she hates this lifestyle her parents live in…the top one percent of the top one percent. yes, she relished in it in high school, was the head bitch in charge of riverdale high, dating the star quarterback and being head cheerleader, she made sure everyone knew just how much _power_ she had in those hallways, but after moving out to go to college, after seeing what a life on her own with no maids or servants or hovering parents can be like…

 

she’d rather die than ever come back to this kind of life.

 

“here you go, miss cheryl.” the maid says softly, resting a glass of water in front of her and prompting cheryl to look up at her apologetically with a smile and a murmured ‘thank you’ as her mother continues droning on and on-

 

“and of course, jason’s planning his vacation to hawaii with jillian after your wedding, he plans on proposing to her-.”

 

cheryl almost chokes on the water she just took a sip out of.

 

“wh-what?” she gasps, looking up at her mother in complete shock while penelope stares at the water that dribbles down her chin in disgust.

 

“for heaven’s sake, cheryl, clean yourself up and act proper!” she snaps angrily, but cheryl is barely paying any attention.

 

jason…jason had just called her a few days ago, he hadn’t said anything about getting engaged…hadn’t said anything about a vacation in hawaii, why would he keep something like that from her?

 

they’re twins, they’re supposed to tell each other everything…were they that fucking detached from each other at this point that he didn’t feel the need to tell her about his life at all?

 

“so of course, your father is ecstatic about the idea of you both finally having the sanctity of marriage under your belts-.”

 

the sound of her phone ringing loudly pulls cheryl out of her stupor, feeling nothing but betrayed at her brother not telling her any of this before she looks down at her caller id to see archie is calling her.

 

“sorry, mother, it’s archie-.”

 

“of course, who else would it be? answer it.” penelope demands, waving her hand nonchalantly, and cheryl simply clenches her jaw and answers it with slightly gritted teeth.

 

“hello?”

 

“hey, honey! i’m gonna be home a little early today, there’s a storm headed our way and we can’t work in the rain, so we’re gonna get as much done as we can before it comes in. we’ll cover up and head home as soon as we’re done.” 

 

cheryl blinks once in surprise before she moves her gaze upwards, finally taking notice of the dark grey clouds scattered across blue…

 

cheryl thinks about the canvases of color at her apartment that she hid in her closet because she’d burst into tears every time she saw them and closes her eyes before she takes a deep breath in and nods.

 

“okay, archie.” cheryl says simply with a smile.

 

“yeah, and dad’s having a boys’ night out with jughead’s dad, but i wanna spend the night with you! we can go out to dinner, or if the weather’s really bad we can order in, maybe watch a movie or two…”

 

“yeah, that sounds amazing. i, uh…i hope toni isn’t too upset about you guys not being able to work today.” cheryl says nonchalantly, glancing quickly at her mother to see her not even paying attention as she continues flipping through her magazine. 

 

“ah, well…she isn’t here today, actually, said she’s not feeling well, but dad messaged her and she said it’s fine, she’d rather we not get wet or anything.” 

 

toni’s not there…toni’s not feeling well…that can’t be a coincidence, that cheryl shows up in town and suddenly, toni doesn’t show up on site to help them…

 

_archie must’ve told her i’m coming to town…_

 

“oh…okay, i guess that’s good then. i’ll see you at home, arch.” cheryl says quickly, jumping up from her chair and swallowing down the bile rising at the back of her throat.

 

“okay, honey, i should be there by the afternoon! i love you!” cheryl’s about to say it back when he hangs up, and she lets out a sigh of relief, watches as her mother looks at her sternly before cheryl simply shrugs.

 

“he had to get back to work, but i should leave so i can meet him at home.” she says quickly. penelope rolls her eyes, but nods once before she looks at cheryl with a frown.

 

“remember, talk to him about the wedding! i need something to go off of, cheryl.” 

 

“i will, mother. i’ll message you.” penelope simply sighs, and cheryl hesitates before she ducks down to kiss her mother’s temple before scurrying off, terrified that she’ll probably grab cheryl by the hair and tell her showing signs of love and affection are weakness or some bullshit.

 

cheryl makes her way to her car, trying not to be affected too much by the fact that toni seems to be doing everything possible to avoid her. she shouldn’t go and see her, she was so stupid, coming here, thinking toni would want to see her after what happened the last time they met…

 

toni could barely even look at her as she told cheryl to leave, why did she think she’d want to see her now?

 

_you’re so stupid, cheryl…_

 

but what if it’s not true? what if toni is actually sick? god, cheryl’s just so fucking worried about her, she just needs to see her, just once, just to know that she’s okay…

 

cheryl sniffs back her tears and grabs her phone, glancing at the time to see it’s almost midday, and she finds herself biting down on her bottom lip in hesitation before she makes the decision on a whim.

 

she scrolls through her contacts, finds betty’s name and presses the call button.

 

it rings a few times before her cousin’s voice comes through.

 

“hello?”

 

“hey, betty, it’s cheryl.”

 

“hey! archie told us you’re in riverdale for the weekend! did you wanna catch up today or tomorrow?” betty asks excitedly, prompting cheryl to smile softly before she shakes her head with a sigh.

 

“uh, yeah, tomorrow sounds great, betty, but, uh…actually, i was wondering…is jughead there? i kind of need to speak with him.” cheryl asks nervously, reaching for her engagement ring and spinning it five times as betty chuckles in her ear.

 

“yeah, he’s here. jug?!” betty calls out suddenly, the sound of the phone shuffling echoing in cheryl’s ear before she hears jughead’s voice come through.

 

“hey, cheryl, what’s up?” 

 

“hi, jughead…i know this is gonna sound weird, and i n-need you to not say anything to betty or archie about this, but…i’m just wondering if you know…if you know where toni lives when she’s visiting riverdale?” cheryl asks, biting down on her bottom lip and praying to every god she knows that jughead doesn’t ask any questions.

 

to her surprise, he doesn’t. he simply answers with a less than enthusiastic tone like he always does when he talks about the southside.

 

and the answer leaves her gasping in shock.

 

“she lives _where?_ ”

 

\--------------

 

pulling up to the sign that says _“sunnyside trailer park”_ , cheryl feels an almost immediate sense of dread, her heart racing and her palms sweating because she’s heard nothing but ill things about this part of the southside.

 

this was apparently where all the drug addicts and gang members lived, where all the chaos reigned, where all the criminals and thieves sought refuge. at least…that’s what her parents always told her.

 

so why the hell would toni live here, of all places?

 

rain starts to slowly begin to drizzle, spots of water hitting her windshield as she sighs and scans the trailers she passes, looking for the one with the wind chimes hanging off the side of the door like jughead told her…

 

she ignores the stares, ignores the looks of surprise at this fancy car pulling up in a place like this…litter everywhere, fires burning in oil drums, people looking less for wear, and cheryl frowns and finally spots the trailer with the wind chimes-

 

it’s right by the forest, far away from everyone else, and cheryl finds herself sighing in relief as she pulls up next to the motorbike parked out of the front of it.

 

toni’s motorbike.

 

she’s definitely home then…

 

cheryl’s heart is fucking _racing_ , fear pounding through her like a tidal wave as she bites down on her bottom lip and looks up at the trailer in wonder.

 

it looks old and worn out, the metal rusted and some parts of it dented in like rocks have been thrown at it over the years, and cheryl can’t begin to understand what toni is doing living in a trailer when she apparently has so many housing properties and an entire recreational center in her name.

 

there’s so much about toni she doesn’t know…

 

cheryl puts the car in park and steps out of it, groaning at the way her heels squelch in the mud that’s beginning to form from the rain that’s slowly starting to fall faster as she shrugs her coat closer over her body and makes her way to the front door, her whole body shaking, and not from the cold rain hitting her skin.

 

_it’s okay, everything’s gonna be okay, just breathe…_

 

cheryl hesitates for the longest time with her hand hovering over the door, her mind in overdrive, her heart beating way too fast, but after a few more minutes pass and the rain starts to turn from a drizzle into a full blown downpour, cheryl finally plucks up the courage-

 

and knocks.

 

five short raps against the door, her teeth chattering, and when she hears the sound of shuffling and a grunt on the other side of the door, cheryl bites back a whimper and inhales shakily when the door slowly begins to open and someone steps outside-

 

and toni topaz stares back at her, eyes red and puffy, body covered in denim shorts, a tank top and a long cardigan wrapped around her small body…

 

she gasps as soon as her eyes land on cheryl, and at just the mere sight of her, cheryl feels a warmth spread throughout her, a warmth that has her smiling before she can stop herself as she lets out a shaky breath and nods once at the girl before her.

 

“hi, toni…” she croaks out, the rain pelting her causing her to wince, and toni blinks a few times in shock before the wind causes the rain to blow into the trailer, and she’s stepping aside and ushering cheryl in quickly without a word.

 

cheryl steps into the small trailer, glancing around with a sniff at the little kitchen to the right, the only thing separating it from the living room is the counter top that wraps around to it, a small couch pressed to the wall where there’s windows covered in haphazard blinds…a small dining table with just two seats beside that…

 

“cheryl…what are you doing here?” toni whispers behind her. cheryl fights back a shiver at the sound of her voice as she shrugs off her coat and turns around to face the girl before her as she closes the door, the sound of the rain pelting the rooftop of the trailer echoing all around them.

 

it’s clear by the shock on her face that toni didn’t know she was in town, and cheryl feels nothing but guilt flood her as she bows her head with a sigh.

 

“i should’ve texted or something…i’m sorry, toni, i thought you knew i’d be here, i thought archie would’ve told you-.”

 

“he didn’t say anything yesterday when i saw him last. that’s not what i asked though, cheryl…i asked what you’re doing _here?_ ” toni says firmly, but not unkindly, head tilted to the side as she looks at cheryl in wonder. 

 

cheryl begins fiddling with her engagement ring, spinning it five times as she chews on her bottom lip before she answers.

 

“i…i wanted to check up on you. i was in town, so i figured why not?” cheryl says with a shrug and a breathless laugh, but toni sees right fucking through her.

 

because she steps forward and takes cheryl’s hands to stop her from spinning her engagement ring, a heavy sigh escaping her as cheryl fights back the urge to sob at the touch of toni’s hands in her own.

 

her whole fucking body just fires off like a livewire…with a simple touch, this isn’t normal…

 

“cheryl…it’s only been a week.” toni says roughly, and cheryl can’t help herself.

 

she’s choking on a wail and throwing her arms around toni, enveloping her in a tight hug that toni almost instantly returns, wrapping her arms around cheryl’s waist and burying her face into her shoulder as cheryl cries into toni’s.

 

and the words that escape her, so similar what she said to archie, contain so much more truth than the ones she spoke just yesterday to her fiancé.

 

“i m-missed you, toni! i’m s-sorry, i know you asked for s-space, but i missed you so fucking much-.”

 

“shh…shh, it’s okay, cheryl…i missed you, too…” toni whispers, her voice trembling as she holds cheryl closer. cheryl’s breath catches at those words, this euphoria she’s never felt before pounding through her as they settle deep in her bones.

 

_she missed you too…she missed you too, cheryl, oh my god…_

 

she feels the tip of toni’s nose touch the spot just beneath her ear, the spot that always makes her giggle, but this time, it makes her shudder, this pleasure coursing through her body that she fights back with everything in her before toni seems to unconsciously do it for her.

 

she pulls away, red eyes brimming with tears as she offers cheryl a shaky smile before she takes her hand and leads her over to the couch in the living room.

 

“do you want something to drink?” toni asks in a low voice as cheryl settles down on the couch and shakes her head with a sniff.

 

“a glass of water would be nice.” she croaks out, dabbing at her eyes to stop the flow of tears as toni makes her way to the kitchen and grabs a glass from one of the cabinets up high. she opens the fridge and pours a glass of cold water, cheryl watching her every move before she makes her way back to cheryl, holding the glass out to her with a smile.

 

“thank you.” cheryl says in a small voice, and toni simply nods as she takes a seat beside cheryl with a sigh. she crosses her legs underneath her body and props her elbow up onto the back of the couch, her body turned to face cheryl as her head drops into the palm of her hand with a soft smile while cheryl takes a sip of her water.

 

“you’re probably wondering why i live in a trailer park when i earn over seven hundred bucks a day, aren’t you?” she asks with a smirk, that playful smile making cheryl’s heart ache as she licks her lips and simply nods once, trying not to think about how beautiful toni looks right now…dressed in casual clothes, no makeup, hair slightly damp from the rain outside flying through the open door…

 

“it was my grandpa’s trailer…he passed away when i was in college a few years back and he left it to me. i couldn’t bring it in me to sell it, there were too many memories, so…here i am, i guess.” toni says with a soft laugh, and at the sound of it, cheryl find herself unable to keep back the smile that spreads across her face.

 

toni doesn’t say anything else, just simply watches cheryl, who plays with the sleeves of her coat tucked in her lap before she turns to look at toni with a frown. 

 

if archie didn’t tell her she was in riverdale, if toni wasn’t scared at the possibility of cheryl being on site today, then why wasn’t she there?

 

“why weren’t you on site today, toni?” cheryl asks hoarsely. toni’s smile fades, any traces of amusement gone as she inhales sharply before she licks her lips and adjusts herself on top of the couch uncomfortably.

 

“i…today’s just not a good day for me, cher.” she murmurs, averting her gaze and picking at her nails as she swallows thickly. 

 

she’s hesitant, cheryl can see it in her body language, but cheryl can’t possibly know what toni is thinking.

 

that exposing the truth to cheryl about what this day means to her could push away the only person she’s ever felt a connection with…that telling her about her past could make cheryl hate her, which is the last thing toni could ever want in her entire life.

 

she’s already spent the last week mulling over the idea that cheryl hates her for leaving, hates her for what she did on that sunday night…she took advantage of cheryl, took advantage of her situation and toni still feels fucking terrible about it.

 

how could she do that? how could she use cheryl’s struggle with her sexuality just to confirm her own feelings like that? she’s still disgusted with herself for it, and she doesn’t want to use being drunk as an excuse, but she _was_ drunk. she wasn’t thinking straight at all, but it’s not an excuse, it’s not…not at all.

 

because then there was what happened at her office, and toni was stone cold sober for that. she just…she can’t help herself around this girl, she’s never craved someone the way she craves cheryl, never wanted someone so badly, and she can’t have her, she _can’t._

 

because cheryl is engaged to a good man…a man who treats her right, a man who gives her everything, a man who _loves_ her so goddamn much…toni’s watched him call her over the last week, watched the way his face lights up every time she answers, watched how concerned he’d get whenever he heard how sick cheryl was over the phone…

 

he loves her. and toni can’t get in the way of that. she’s not good for cheryl, she’s not good to be around cheryl, god, she needs to get this girl out of here before she does something else stupid-

 

“toni?” cheryl’s soft voice breaks through the pink haired girl’s thoughts, and before she can help herself, she’s looking up at cheryl with a trembling bottom lip before she sniffs back her tears and shakes her head.

 

“i’m so sorry, cheryl…i’m so sorry for what happened that night, i can’t apologize enough, i took advantage of you-.”

 

“you didn’t take advantage of me, toni…it’s not like i pushed you away-.”

 

“you were drunk!”

 

“so were you! it’s just…it’s something that happened, and we can move past it, we can-.”

 

“then how do you explain what happened in my office?”

 

silence.

 

the only sound that cheryl can register is the rain slamming against the roof of the trailer she’s sitting in as her heart sinks and her mind completely turns into mush.

 

_“tell me i’m wrong, cheryl. tell me i’m wrong thinking you want me as badly as i want you…please…please tell me i’m wrong…”_

 

_“i c-can’t, i…fuck, toni, i **want** you, i want you, please…”_

 

she…she wasn’t thinking when she said that, she wasn’t, toni was just _there_ and saying…saying those things that made cheryl crave her intimacy, that’s all-

 

“i…toni, i didn’t mean it. okay? i didn’t, it was just…please…”

 

cheryl’s completely lost for words, unable to articulate because she has no idea how to explain what she was thinking when she said she wanted her. her mind is telling her one thing, but her body, her heart, her _soul…_

 

“so…you don’t want me?” toni whispers, and god, the heartbreak in her voice…

 

_tell her the truth, cheryl…god, tell her the truth, tell her the fucking truth, please-_

 

she’s with archie…she’s with archie and that’s it. cheryl doesn’t want her, she needs to accept that, she doesn’t want her, she doesn’t-

 

“i…”

 

“no, it’s…that’s good, cher. that’s good, it’s okay, it’s…it’s probably for the best.” toni says softly, smiling as best as she can and blinking away her tears before she sniffs once and rubs at her tired, sore eyes.

 

oh.

 

cheryl tries to ignore the way her heart aches at those words, because once again, toni is right.

 

it’s for the best…she doesn’t need to tell her, it’s for the best…

 

“you’ve been crying…” cheryl says suddenly, wanting to change the subject and prompting toni to look at her with slightly squinted eyes as her vision adjusts.

 

“yeah…like i said, this isn’t a good day for me.” toni says hoarsely, causing cheryl to look at her with a frown of confusion.

 

“why?” she asks simply, intrigue gripping her as toni shifts in her seat and clears her throat before she looks up at cheryl with hesitation.

 

“i…i can’t talk about it, cheryl-.”

 

“toni, i’ve opened up to you in ways i’ve never opened up to anybody before. and i know things are…confusing, between us, but you need to open up to someone, too. therapists need an outlet as well, remember?” cheryl says with a soft smile. toni lets out a dry laugh, shaking her head as she sniffs once and sighs.

 

“i regret ever saying that.” she chuckles. cheryl laughs lightly and simply raises an eyebrow.

 

“no you don’t.” she says simply. toni meets her eyes, brown against brown as she sighs and shakes her head.

 

“no, i don’t.” she says quietly.

 

how are things so easy with her? how are things just so simple with her? they can go from talking about something so heavy to making light jokes with the flip of a switch without any awkwardness, and cheryl can’t understand it…

 

“my parents…they were drug addicts.” toni says suddenly. cheryl blinks once in surprise but says nothing, her heart racing at the idea that toni might be finally opening up to _her_ for once-

 

“they dumped me with my grandpa when i was like seven. when it got too expensive to feed me and keep a roof over my head and buy me school supplies and what not…they chose the drugs over me. but my grandpa was amazing, he always looked after me, did everything for me…until he got sick.” toni says hoarsely, voice raspy with tears, her eyes distant, as if she’s recalling some memory before they flutter closed and she lets out a shaky sigh. 

 

“when i was twelve, he got diagnosed with alzheimer’s. he started forgetting things more and more, got lost in the woods at one point on the way back from the local bar, and when he forgot to turn the stove off one day and almost set the entire trailer on fire with me inside, social services deemed him unfit to look after me. so they pawned me off to my uncle instead.” toni’s expression suddenly turns dark, her jaw clenching, this unspoken anger written all over her face as cheryl watches nervously and takes a sip from her water, making sure to show toni that she’s paying attention to everything she says.

 

“he was absent most of the time, but…when i was fifteen, i got a girlfriend in high school and brought her over one night just to hang out…we were making out, and he walked through the door and saw us. as soon as he realized what was going on, he kicked her out and beat the living shit out of me…told me he wouldn’t tolerate ‘that kind of behavior’ in his home.” toni says roughly, her eyes moving down to her nails, which she begins picking once again while cheryl tries to process what the fuck toni just told her.

 

her uncle…her uncle _hurt_ her? just because she had a girlfriend?

 

_oh…oh, now the pieces fall into place, cheryl…_

 

no…no, this has nothing to do with her, nothing to do with her situation, this is about toni-

 

“there were some nights where he’d just get angry for no reason, like he’d remember me kissing her and he’d just lose it on me again…after the fifth beating, i couldn’t take it anymore. i started sleeping on the streets, just in an attempt to get away from him and one night…one night these two boys came across me.” toni says softly, this sudden look of happiness in her eyes as she smiles widely, a light chuckle escaping her as she shakes her head.

 

“they went to southside high with me, but i never interacted with them until that day. one of them had been kicked out of his home as well by his father for not having enough money to help with rent…his name was sawyer peabody, but everyone called him ‘sweet pea’. and his best friend was a boy named ‘fangs’ fogarty…i never actually learned his real name.” toni says fondly, silent tears falling down her cheeks as cheryl processes that she’s using past tense when talking about these boys…

 

“we became a unit, the three of us. we bonded like family almost immediately. and the more we hung out, the more we noticed how many other kids at southside high looked just as ragged and roughed up as we did…shitty lives on the shitty side of a perfect town. and one day…one day, i remembered the stories my grandpa would tell me about his youth…about how he formed a gang because it was all the rage back in the fifties…a gang about unity, about strength. and…i got the stupid idea to form my own gang.” toni whispers with nothing but regret laced in her tone. 

 

and it’s with those words that everything comes crashing down onto cheryl like a tidal wave.

 

_oh god…oh god, she…she formed the-_

 

“we called ourselves ‘the southside serpents’. got ourselves jackets and everything…took in all the kids from broken homes…tried to give them a sense of family that didn’t involve chaos and despair.” toni says brokenly, the tears still falling down her cheeks as she suddenly looks up at cheryl with nothing but pride.

 

“we were a good gang, cheryl. we never did any crime, we never did anything wrong, we just…were a family of united kids, struggling to make it through each day alive. we were a community…and we all loved each other so fucking much.” toni says shakily, her hand suddenly moving to wipe away her tears as she sniffs once and shakes her head.

 

“but of course…once one gang rises, another one has to…for rivalry, for land, for all that trivial bullshit. some shit-stain named malachai formed his own gang once ours started to take off…called them ‘the ghoulies’. and first, i didn’t care, but then malachai started tagging places we’d hang out in with their sign, trying to goad us into a fight and slowly, our little family became invested in fights with them over turf, tagging properties with a snake and trying to prove that the southside was _ours._ i tried so hard to stop it, but sweet pea…he always had a temper. he didn’t like malachai trying to one up him, trying to make him submit to the ghoulies…” 

 

cheryl’s so enraptured by toni’s story, she doesn’t even register that the storm has rolled in, that thunder is crashing loudly above her, the wind howling around the trailer and making the walls rattle as toni swallows thickly and continues on with her voice shaking as hard as the walls are.

 

“one night…it just exploded. malachai told sweet pea to meet him in a fight, and i begged him not to go, but he wouldn’t listen to me. and everyone else agreed with sweet pea, they _wanted_ a fight just as badly as he did. so i had no choice. i went with them, and the fight…it turned into a full blown gang war.” toni whispers in horror, eyes wide as if she’s recalling the memory, and cheryl watches in anguish as toni’s whole body begins to tremble, sobs wracking her small frame and causing her chest to heave desperately for air.

 

“b-before i could even think, there w-were punches being thrown and weapons being swung, and my f-friends…my _family…_ they were falling all around me. no one escaped unscathed, and then…gunshots. several of them…i screamed at everyone to run, and the sirens started to echo out not five minutes later, but as everyone scattered…two people were on the ground, not moving…” 

 

toni takes a shuddering breath in, and cheryl knows what she’s going to say before she says it.

 

“i watched my two b-best friends die…i watched sweet pea and fangs lying th-there, eyes wide, not moving, and i screamed and i b-begged for someone to help me, but no one came! and as the sirens got cl-closer, i…i h-had to run. i had no ch-choice…i left them, ch-cher, i left them there on the fl-floor-.”

 

“oh god, toni!” cheryl’s crying before she can stop herself, her heart utterly _aching_ as she puts her glass down on the floor and pulls toni into her embrace, the pink haired girl sobbing loudly into her shoulder and gripping the back of her shirt as if it’s a lifeline, and all cheryl can register is the way toni’s body is shaking so violently against her own, the way she’s crying so loudly, like her heart is about to burst with the pain of what happened…

 

“it’s b-been eight years t-today, ch-cheryl and the guilt still _kills me_. it w-was m-my f-fault, cheryl, it w-was all m-my f-fault!”

 

“shh…shh, toni, it’s okay…it’s okay, shh…” cheryl coos softly, one hand curling around the back of toni’s neck and squeezing reassuringly as the other rubs small circles into her back.

 

fuck…cheryl can’t believe any of this. the idea of toni, sweet, innocent toni being the one to form the southside serpents is beyond anything cheryl could have expected…but toni told her she didn’t form it to be malicious or to claim ownership of the southside or anything like that…she did it with good intentions, and all cheryl ever heard was that they were a gang of criminals, when the truth is…they were all just lost kids, searching for family, for hope in a place where everything was so fucking broken…

 

cheryl has no idea how long toni is crying in her arms for, has no idea how much time has passed, but toni’s sobs eventually become soft whimpers, her face still buried in cheryl’s shoulder before she suddenly begins talking, her voice slightly muffled.

 

“jughead and his father…they left the southside as soon as the ghoulies became more violent…f.p didn’t want jughead to be part of any of that, but i knew i could count on them. i r-ran all the way to the northside and th-they took me in…h-helped m-me get into c-college…so as soon as i graduated, i went to them about plans to build a recreation center, to keep the kids of the southside from making the same mistake i did…and they both were all in. i d-do free therapy sessions there every t-two weeks for the k-kids…just so they have someone to t-talk to…” toni manages to gasp out, finally pulling back from cheryl and looking up at her with a loud sniff.

 

“it gives me p-purpose, cheryl, helping those kids, steering them away from the life i once chose, but more than anything…i d-didn’t want to be known as that rut from the southside who only caused d-death and destruction-.”

 

“toni…” cheryl whispers shakily, watching with despair as toni’s bottom lip trembles and more tears fall down her cheeks. she doesn’t even hesitate, raises her hand to brush away the tears from toni’s face with the best smile she can muster despite her pain over toni’s story about her life…

 

“you’re not that person anymore, toni. and you had good intentions, you _have_ to know that. you gave your peers something they needed: a family. you’re…god, you’re not someone who causes death and destruction, you’re…the most beautiful person i’ve ever met…” cheryl’s voice begins to shake, her emotions getting the better of her as toni blinks once with tears clinging to her eyelashes, a small sniff escaping her as she looks into cheryl’s eyes with nothing but grief shining in them. 

 

“you think so?” she whispers brokenly.

 

cheryl doesn’t reply.

 

she just pulls toni into her arms once more, hugging her close and trying to pour every ounce of truth she feels about those words into her embrace. 

 

“yes…inside and out. god, toni, i’m…i’m so sorry, i’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through…i hate seeing you like this.” cheryl whispers, blinking back her own tears with a sniff as toni squeezes her gently before she slowly begins to pull back.

 

and as she does, cheryl’s lips just gently graze her cheek.

 

ruby red makes it’s mark on caramel colored and slightly damp skin, and the spark of electricity that courses throughout cheryl’s body causes her to gasp involuntarily, her heart racing and her mind spinning as toni freezes, clearly feeling the same thing-

 

her nose brushes across cheryl’s, her breathing heavy as cheryl reaches up to cradle toni’s face into her hands, every ounce of her body telling her to stop, but she can’t.

 

she’s holding the most beautiful person in her hands, and cheryl just can’t _stop._

 

she leans forward, her lips brushing against toni’s cheek again, but this time, in a kiss, gentle and soft and as sweet as she can muster, lips pulling away only to press another kiss just below the one she just left…

 

“cheryl…” toni whispers, her voice trembling, her whole body shaking against cheryl’s as the girl ignores her and continues pressing kisses across her cheek, unable to resist the electricity, the spark, the _flame_ burning brighter with each kiss-

 

“cheryl…you h-have to stop, you don’t wanna do this.” toni breathes, nails suddenly digging into cheryl’s shoulders, but it’s like there’s water in her ears, blocking out anything and everything other than the feeling of toni’s skin beneath her lips, these puffs of air escaping her breathlessly as her grip on toni’s face gets stronger-

 

“t-toni-.”

 

“i w-won’t be able to control myself if you keep going.” toni whispers into her ear.

 

and once again…cheryl snaps. 

 

“maybe i don’t want you to control yourself.” toni’s breath hitches, and cheryl can’t see her face, but her grip on cheryl’s shoulders tightens, her body shifting slightly as cheryl’s hands drop to grip her waist.

 

she can’t breathe…fuck, she can’t breathe, toni’s so close, her skin heating up beneath cheryl’s lips-

 

“i thought you said you didn’t want me…” toni murmurs.

 

“you never let me answer the question.” cheryl whispers back shakily against her cheek. toni chuckles softly in her ear before she inhales sharply and pulls back. 

 

toni stares into her eyes, and despite the lump in her throat, despite the way her body is shaking, she’s not thinking about anything else but capturing those full, ruby red lips with her own.

 

cheryl, however, beats her to the punch.

 

toni’s hands cradle her face, but it’s cheryl who leans forward, and toni who meets her halfway.

 

the anticipation hangs so thick in the air, the tension almost suffocating as their foreheads rest against each other for the briefest moment, and neither of them are thinking of the consequences of what’s about to happen at all. 

 

for once in her life, cheryl’s thinking about what _she wants._

 

at first…it’s hesitant.

 

toni’s lips press ever so gently against her own, testing her, waiting to see if cheryl pushes her off like she should.

 

instead, cheryl grips toni’s waist and pulls her closer, a shaky sigh escaping her and causing her lips to part and giving toni the opportunity to kiss her properly.

 

and the second those pink lips pull cheryl’s bottom lip between them, the heat spreading throughout cheryl’s body turns into a wildfire.

 

cheryl breathes her in, shaking fingers gripping the fabric of toni’s cardigan, the girl’s hands on her face moving down to her shoulders, nails digging in as their lips move together in perfect synchronization.

 

cheryl’s never felt her body come to life before. but in this moment, it’s not just every nerve that fires off like it did when toni touched her…it’s every nerve, every inch of her skin, every organ in her body lighting up, like the trees out in the woods just a few meters away from her are right now, thriving off the water leaking down through the mud and dirt, getting the sustenance it needs to continue living.

 

cheryl lets out the softest whimper against toni’s lips, mouth opening to gasp for air wildly before she’s kissing toni as passionately as she possibly can, her leg twitching and knocking against the glass of water she placed on the floor, but she barely registers it, her legs moving up and her arms dragging toni into her lap-

 

toni’s the one who gasps against her this time before she’s suddenly threading her fingers through cheryl’s hair and tugging slightly, causing cheryl’s entire body to throb with need, and she doesn’t even bother holding back the groan that escapes her, eyes rolling into the back of her head, chest heaving against toni’s, their bodies so close, the connection, the _bond_ coursing through the both of them making cheryl’s fucking head _spin-_

 

“this is wrong...” toni suddenly mumbles against her lips, but before she can move, cheryl pulls her back in and captures her lips once more, greedily sucking toni’s lower lip between her own with a desperate moan, nails scratching underneath toni’s shirt to touch the heated skin of her back-

 

“so wrong…” cheryl breathes without even knowing what she’s saying, because this doesn’t fucking _feel_ wrong, it feels so right…so fucking _right-_

 

toni grips her face, lips smacking against cheryl’s before she’s turning her head to deepen the kiss even more, cheryl’s back hitting the armrest of the couch as toni pushes her down roughly, her body moving to straddle cheryl’s thighs-

 

god, this is nothing, nothing, _nothing_ compared to anything she’s ever experienced with archie-

 

fuck.

 

_oh fuck…oh fuck, oh fuck, cheryl, what are you doing, oh god, **archie-**_

 

cheryl pulls away with a wild gasp, the panic gripping her so suddenly, and at the sight of the red pigment of her lipstick on toni’s lips and chin, the reality of what cheryl’s doing hits her right in the face.

 

she’s…she’s cheating on archie…she’s cheating on archie right now, oh _fuck-_

 

“oh my god…oh my god…” cheryl touches her lips, still tingling just as much as her whole body is, but the bile that rises in the back of her throat causes her eyes to flutter closed as she tries her best not to throw up.

 

she cheated on him. she just…she just kissed toni, she _cheated_ on archie-

 

“cheryl…” toni’s voice is filled with heartbreak, and when cheryl looks up at her, she sees the realization of what they’ve just done is hitting her, too. 

 

toni just kissed an engaged woman…toni just ruined a relationship. she…fuck, what did she do, what the fuck did she do-

 

“t-toni…i c-can’t-.”

 

“cheryl...” toni whispers, unable to think of anything else to fucking say, tears falling before she can stop them, because god, this is wrong, this is all so fucking wrong-

 

_all you cause is death and destruction, toni…_

 

toni moves off her lap, and cheryl jumps up from the couch, her chest heaving and these terrifying, shuddering gasps escaping her as she runs her fingers through her hair with one hand and clutches her chest with the other.

 

“t-toni-.”

 

“go, cheryl…it’s okay.” toni says softly, trying her best to smile reassuringly, and cheryl chokes on a sob, tears falling down her cheeks before she’s running straight for the door and heading out into the rain without a backwards glance, the rain hitting her skin almost as harshly as the guilt is.

 

_what the fuck, cheryl, what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck-_

 

cheryl jumps into her car with tears still falling down her cheeks, and she has no fucking idea how she manages to drive to the andrews’s home without crashing her car, but she does, her mind racing the entire time, the bile at the back of her throat rising higher and higher and finally capsizing when she sees fred’s truck in the driveway.

 

she pulls up to the sidewalk and throws the door open, but her stomach is empty, free of any contents, so all she does is dry heave, her chest heaving and her body wracked with sobs, the rain pelting her heavily, and she doesn’t even bother pulling the car into the driveway.

 

she just shoves it into park, turns the ignition off and jumps out of the car, running straight for the front porch with the whole world spinning around her crazily as the rain pounds against her body almost in punishment of what she's done.

 

she’s not gay…no, she can’t be, she can’t, she’s not, she…god, she kissed toni, she kissed another girl, she _cheated on archie-_

 

she bursts through the front door in a panic, and archie pops up from the kitchen, eyes wide, face filled with concern as cheryl stares at him in anguish.

 

“cheryl?! what happened, are you okay-.”

 

cheryl runs straight into his arms before she’s kissing him, desperately, eagerly, trying to feel the same spark, just a hint of a fire, anything, fucking _anything_ , please for the love of god-

 

“cheryl, what-.”

 

“shut up, archie. shut up, please, and just kiss me-.” cheryl breathes against his lips, and archie pulls back and stares at her with nothing but worry, hands reaching up to grip her face-

 

“cheryl, honey, what happened, talk to me-.”

 

“just...please, archie…please…” cheryl practically fucking _begs_ , breathing heavily against him with tears still falling down her face, and finally, fuck, finally…

 

archie relents.

 

he's reaching for the hem of her soaking wet shirt and pulling it up and off her head, throwing it to the ground with a desperate groan before he's wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her up, cheryl’s legs automatically wrapping around his waist as he carries her upstairs with his lips never leaving hers.

 

\---------------

 

archie’s soft snores are the only thing she can hear, the weight of his arm around her waist weighing heavier than it ever has before.

 

cheryl can’t sleep.

 

she has no idea what time it is, doesn’t care to check.

 

she feels empty.

 

she blinks back the tears she’s been shedding for the last hour before she exhales shakily and grips archie’s arm, slowly pulling it up and off her naked body and wincing at the pain between her legs as archie simply grunts and turns over, mouth open, fast asleep, in complete bliss…

 

she picks up her underwear, slipping them back on with a quiet sob before she grabs her nightgown from where it’s resting on top of her suitcase and slips it on, also reaching for her cigarettes hidden deep in one of the zips. 

 

she sneaks her way downstairs, skipping the last two steps because she knows they squeak, and steps out into the backyard quietly, the remnants of rain making the concrete a dark grey as she closes the door slowly before she lights up a cigarette desperately and takes her first drag in days.

 

the second the nicotine hits her, cheryl finds herself choking on a sob, her whole body trembling at everything that’s slowly beginning to come into focus, her emotions all over the fucking place.

 

the guilt over cheating on archie, the fucking anguish at what she’s done, kissing a woman, cheating on her fiancé, only to come home and fuck him without him knowing a single thing about what she’s done.

 

she feels disgusting. she feels _horrible._ right now, in this moment, she hates herself more than she ever has in her entire life. 

 

but the truth…god, the truth of the matter is, the emotion gripping her the hardest is sadness.

 

because a single kiss with toni lit her entire body on fire, and sex with her fiancé gave her nothing. as much as she fucking loves archie…

 

god, she’s not _in love_ with him. 

 

she’s really…really not in love with him.

 

the clarity hitting her with this revelation is all encompassing. everything is making so much more sense now, but accepting it…

 

god, archie has been her entire world for eight fucking years, the idea…the idea of not being in love with him…

 

it hurts. it hurts more than anything else ever has.

 

because she knows what she has to do now. and the thought of breaking archie’s heart hurts, and the idea of her parents finding out is terrifying, but kissing toni has brought her to one conclusion and one conclusion only.

 

that she can’t keep pretending anymore. 

 

she has to end this once and for all.

 

she just…fuck, she just needs time. 

 

time to think, time to wrap her mind around everything, around toni, around archie, around her feelings for them both and how fucking _different_ they are from each other, she just…needs time. 

 

_please, god, just give me time…_

 

but the truth of the matter is, she has none.

 

because her wedding is in less than three months, and if she doesn’t do something now, it’s only going to get worse.

 

and with that thought, cheryl finds herself sobbing into her hands, aware that her entire world, and the entire world of the man sleeping just upstairs soundly without any idea of what’s going on, the entire world they've spent the last eight years building together...is about to come crashing down.


	8. eight years

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhhh...imma just run from now.
> 
> kay bye.
> 
> twitter: @endofdaysforme
> 
> *me yelling while running as fast as i can* i'll try my best to update soon, i'm working a lot though, so bear with me, okay byeeeee!

“forgive me, cheryl, i should’ve gone over this earlier, a complete error on my part…”

 

veronica lodge, as the little plaque on the outside of her dark brown door states, frowns as she flips through a file on her table, reading glasses propped on her nose while cheryl fidgets in her seat with a shaky sigh and a roll of her eyes.

 

“it’s okay…take your time.” 

 

she doesn’t blame veronica for being confused. it’s kind of hard to wrap your mind around some stranger bursting into your office screaming ‘i kissed someone who wasn’t my fiancé!’ at the top of her lungs. at least veronica had shown her the decency to sit her down and get her a glass of water, and even though cheryl’s somewhat calmed down in the ten minutes that have passed, she still finds herself looking at veronica in slight distaste for practically no reason, considering the woman has been nothing but kind.

 

she hates this. she hates sitting in this seat and not seeing toni opposite her. she hates seeing some woman she doesn’t even know, hates seeing veronica stare down at the papers in front of her like they’re written in some foreign language. cheryl doesn’t even know what the woman’s reading, she hasn’t spoken a word, but cheryl’s quite sure it’s to give her time to calm herself down and not from any ill will towards her…she did kind of walk in here in a panic, pacing back and forth and rambling about kissing someone she wasn’t engaged to…

 

she doesn’t even know what she was thinking, she just needed to tell _somebody_. it’s been almost a week since it happened, and seeing as she hasn’t spoken to or heard from toni since that day in her trailer and chickened out at the last minute on telling archie what she did while she was in riverdale, she was on the verge of bursting any second now.

 

add in the fact that josie’s out of town until next week working on her music with the record label she’s on the cusp of signing with, and cheryl had no one else left to turn to.

 

granted, she probably should’ve gone about it a lot better than just blurting it out the second she burst through the door, and veronica had kind of taken it like a champ, had looked at her in shock before sitting her down and telling her to take a few deep breaths-

 

“i’m sorry, i’m just…not good at this. i…i don’t really know how to explain it…”

 

“well, this is toni’s file on you, she gave me everything on all of her patients before she left town. i should’ve read it before our session today, but it’s been hard taking on double the workload while toni’s gone…” veronica murmurs, and cheryl’s heart skips a beat, her eyes falling down on the file that she can barely see over the top of veronica’s desk as the raven haired woman flips through the pages with her tongue caught between her teeth.

 

toni has a file on her?

 

_well, obviously she does, cheryl, she’s your therapist, remember?_

 

 _was_ her therapist…

 

veronica’s eyes suddenly light up with recognition, this look of worry crossing her face before she sighs and takes her glasses off, closing the file and placing her glasses on top of it before she crosses her hands over the desk and looks at cheryl with a slight smile.

 

“so…there’s a lot here, cheryl, but we’ll take it one step at a time, i'd hate to overwhelm you. from what’s written in your file, toni’s stated that you’re getting married in three months and you originally came to her because you were feeling…off, about everything?” veronica says nonchalantly, watching cheryl expectantly.

 

cheryl, who crosses her arms and legs uncomfortably before she simply nods once.

 

“in a nutshell…yes, i suppose…” she mumbles. 

 

“mmm…toni’s also written here in one of your later sessions that she suspects you may be having trouble coming to terms with your sexuality, is that correct?” veronica says suddenly, head tilting to the side as she looks at cheryl, who simply stares at her, dumbfounded.

 

is…is _that_ what toni wrote down in her file? that cheryl was struggling with her sexuality? 

 

_god, she knew from day one, didn’t she?_

 

toni’s seen right through her from the moment they met, and cheryl finds herself scoffing in disbelief, not out of anger, but just pure, genuine disbelief as she licks her lips and looks up at veronica hesitantly.

 

“i…”

 

she can’t get the words out. can’t confirm or deny what veronica is saying because as soon as she does, it becomes _real._

 

_but aren't you tired, cheryl? aren't you tired of everything being so...fake?_

 

“cheryl, how about you start from the beginning? so, you have a fiancé? how long have you two been together?” veronica asks softly, watching as cheryl blinks back her tears and looks up at her with this breathless sigh, her shoulders tensed up to her goddamn ears as she swallows the lump in her throat and purses her lips.

 

“we’ve been together for eight years. he’s the best man i know…” cheryl whispers fondly, her heart aching at the idea that archie still knows nothing about what she’s done…she never should’ve kissed toni, but there’s this part of her that can’t bring herself to regret it. she just…fuck, she regrets it happening under these circumstances…

 

 _i need to tell him, i can’t keep delaying it…_

 

“hmmm…toni’s written here that she thought your problems might stem from your relationship with your fiancé, so she began asking questions and you confessed that you never enjoyed sex with men, but experimented in college with a girl and enjoyed it, is _that_ correct?” veronica says firmly, cocking an eyebrow, not judgmentally, but in a way that makes cheryl wince as she exhales shakily and lets out a nervous laugh.

 

“she wrote a lot in that f-file, didn’t she?” she manages to get out. veronica chuckles suddenly, a smirk taking over her face as lets out a sigh and sinks back into her chair, regarding cheryl thoughtfully. 

 

“have you had any thoughts about your sexuality since you experimented in college, cheryl?” veronica asks simply. cheryl licks her lips before she shakes her head.

 

“n-no. i kind…i kind of put it into the back of my mind. my parents would never be okay with me being…like that.” cheryl murmurs, and veronica suddenly nods and lets out a sound of recognition.

 

“ahh…i see, that…makes sense. and i’m guessing your parents approve of your fiancé?”

 

“god, yes…they pretty much worship the ground he walks on.” cheryl all but groans, sinking back into her chair and sighing deeply as veronica nods once with pursed lips, brow furrowed in thought before she looks up at cheryl and inhales sharply. 

 

“you said when you came in here rather abruptly that you kissed someone who wasn’t your fiancé?” veronica says suddenly. cheryl tries to ignore the way her heart is pounding, worry for toni and her job also gripping her as she simply nods in response.

 

“was it a woman?” veronica asks. cheryl bites down on her bottom lip and blinks back her tears before she nods again.

 

“y-yes.” 

 

she can't say it was toni, she can't-

 

silence takes over the room, veronica staring at cheryl observantly, and the red head feels like she’s under a fucking magnifying glass, sweat building on her brow as she fiddles with her engagement ring, spinning it five times because she _has to-_

 

“i understand it’s a tricky situation-.”

 

“yes, it’s a tricky situation, but it doesn’t take away from the fact that i _cheated_ on my fiancé…d-does it?” cheryl whispers, looking up at veronica anxiously, watching as the woman hesitates before she sighs and shakes her head.

 

“no…i suppose it doesn’t.” she murmurs. cheryl lets the guilt grip her heart, blinks back her tears as silence takes over once again.

 

she never should’ve kissed toni…but she doesn’t regret it because she kissed a woman…god, no, she regrets it because she inadvertently hurt archie by doing so…

 

archie is a good person, he doesn’t deserve any of this, fuck-

 

“what are you thinking right now, cheryl?” veronica says softly. cheryl looks up at her, swallowing thickly as she simply shrugs.

 

“i…don’t know.” 

 

“mmm, try to articulate it.” veronica says, waving a hand nonchalantly, as if it’s the easiest thing in the world, putting into words what’s going on in her brain right now.

 

she takes a few moments, trying her best to wrap her mind around everything she’s thinking and only one thing really registers, but she refuses to say it, because it’s too fucking terrifying to do it.

 

oh god…bile, she’s going to vomit, it’s true, isn’t it? it’s all true, it can’t be…

 

but the way the band around her chest seems to just _break_ , allowing her to take in this shuddering breath as the tears finally fall over, it’s almost…cataclysmic. 

 

the words she’s repeating over and over again in her head settle deep inside her, and the second they do, the innate truth of them sparks something in her brain that makes her laugh without even noticing.

 

because maybe she can’t say it out loud just yet, but…she’s acknowledging it now. she’s acknowledging that it is true…

 

_i’m a lesbian. fuck, twenty five years of struggling and it’s been right in front of me all along…_

 

toni knew from day one…god, she knew, and this whole time, she was trying to help cheryl see it, too…she told cheryl she couldn’t marry someone she wasn’t _in love_ with, she told cheryl her experimenting in college wasn’t a phase…all those questions about her sex life with archie, they weren’t just to rile her up, it was to understand her better, to get the answers she was likely seeking, and she got them.

 

boy, did she get them and more…

 

“cheryl, i’d like to help if you’d let me…if you’re questioning your sexuality, i think continuing to be in a relationship with a man isn’t something that’s going to help you. i know it’s hard to move past a relationship of eight years, but if you have no love for this man-.”

 

“i do love him! i do, i just…i don’t love him in _that_ way.” cheryl sighs, spinning her engagement ring and glaring up in slight anger when veronica chuckles softly.

 

“well, that’s understandable. but don’t you think he deserves to know that? have you spoken to him about it?” veronica says simply, her voice too fucking formal, too professional, too veronica and not _toni_ enough for cheryl to really grasp anything she’s saying. 

 

this is wrong. this is wrong, talking about this stuff with someone who isn’t _her._

 

“i…this doesn’t feel right.” cheryl says stiffly, crossing her arms over her chest again tightly as veronica raises an eyebrow in confusion.

 

“what doesn’t feel right?”

 

“talking to you about this! i…toni should be here.” cheryl says with a sigh, mind wandering to the pink haired girl, to those soft pink lips that were so pliant against her own-

 

“i can assure you, cheryl, that you can talk to me just as you talked to toni-.”

 

“no, actually, i can’t. i trust toni, i don’t even _know_ who you are, it’s just…it’s hard. for me to trust people.” cheryl says with a sigh, causing veronica to frown.

 

“and why is that, cheryl?” veronica asks. cheryl bites down on her bottom lip, and veronica’s expression suddenly softens as she leans in closer with a sigh.

 

“does it have to do with the abuse you suffered at the hands of your parents? toni’s written that in here, as well…” veronica says, opening the file once more and glancing down at it, unaware of the way cheryl completely freezes in her seat, fear gripping her tightly, causing her heart to clench tightly.

 

no, no, no, no, oh god…of course toni would write that down in her file, now veronica fucking knows-

 

“i h-have to g-go-.” cheryl jumps up from her seat almost immediately, reaching down to grab the handles of her purse, and veronica looks at her in shock, blinking rapidly, and before veronica can call her name, cheryl’s dashing straight for the door, throwing it open and rushing down the hallways, ignoring the pang of pain in her heart when she passes toni’s candy red colored door with the lights turned off inside.

 

_no one else was supposed to know, cheryl, you fucking idiot! how could you do this, how-_

 

midge doesn’t even get the chance to ask her if she’s okay before she’s running out into the hallway and slamming her finger onto the down button five times, desperate to get the hell out of here.

 

veronica knows now…veronica fucking knows now, she’s so fucking screwed…it’s not toni’s fault, she knows that, of course toni was going to write it into her file, but now…fuck, now veronica’s read it and she knows, she _knows-_

 

this can’t be happening, fuck…

 

cheryl practically runs straight to her car, jumping into it and taking a few minutes to take a couple of deep breaths in, trying to stop herself from panicking, but it’s no use.

 

_she…she helped before, you have to message her-_

 

she whimpers, chest heaving with panicked breaths before she’s reaching for her phone in her purse and typing out a message to the only person she can think of to talk to right now.

 

**you [17:21]**   
_i just had my first session with veronica, she read my file, she knows about my parents._

 

cheryl watches those three grey bubbles pop up and disappear a few times, and cheryl rolls down her window, sighing in relief at the cool air that comes in, trying to breathe through the panic-

 

**toni topaz [17:24]**   
_cheryl, she won’t say anything, i promise. doctor/patient confidentiality, remember? she’s not gonna say anything to anyone, just keep breathing…i’m sorry, cheryl, if i knew that file would end up in someone else’s hands i wouldn’t have written anything…but you’re safe, okay? veronica has the same legal obligations as me, she won’t do anything that can put you in danger._

 

cheryl chokes on a sob, tears falling down her cheeks as she sniffs them back and takes a few deep breaths in through her nose, out through her mouth, her head sinking against the headrest of her seat…

 

she’s right…she knows toni is right. veronica’s not gonna say anything to anyone, toni’s totally right, she’s panicking for no reason, she just needs to take a few deep breaths…

 

a few moments pass before her phone buzzes in her hand.

 

**toni topaz [17:29]**   
_cheryl? are you okay?_

 

cheryl exhales shakily, fingers wrapping around the steering wheel, gripping tightly as she nods a few times to herself before grabbing her phone again to type a reply.

 

**you [17:30]**   
_i think so…thank you._

 

god, even through text, toni has a way of calming her down with a few simple words…

 

**toni topaz [17:31]**   
_you’re welcome, cheryl…_

 

cheryl stares down at her phone, her mind finally processing that this is the first time she’s talking to toni in almost a week. 

 

she needs to see her…she needs to talk to her about all of this, she can’t keep delaying it, and fuck, as much as there’s all this confusion about how she feels about toni…she misses her as a _friend_ as well.

 

and fuck, does cheryl need a friend right now…

 

**you [17:33]**   
_toni…we really need to talk._

 

cheryl sniffs once, wiping away the tears on her cheeks as toni’s message comes through.

 

**toni topaz [17:36]**   
_i know…can we meet for coffee tomorrow? i’m coming back to new york tonight._

 

cheryl’s eyes widen as she reads the message over a few times, trying to process what toni’s trying to say.

 

she’s coming back? she’s…she’s coming back, oh my god, cheryl can _see_ her again-

 

**you [17:37]**   
_yes, of course! i’ll send you an address to a café next to my work. we can meet at around one thirty for my lunch break?_

 

cheryl watches with bated breath, her whole body buzzing with adrenaline from everything that’s happened in the last ten minutes before she finds herself grinning at toni’s reply. 

 

**toni topaz [17:38]**   
_sounds great, see you then, xo._

 

cheryl can’t help the excitement coursing through her, and she finds herself desperate for the hours to tick by into tomorrow as she puts the car into drive and makes her way home, all traces of panic gone at the idea of seeing toni tomorrow.

 

panic, however, that quickly returns once she enters her apartment.

 

because standing right there in the living room with a gigantic grin on his face and flowers in his hands-

 

“surprise!” archie sing songs, laughing at the complete look of shock on cheryl’s face as she stands frozen in the doorway, looking at him with wide eyes.

 

_oh, fuck me…_

 

“arch…what are you doing here?” cheryl barely manages to squeak out, her hand gripping the doorknob and almost crushing the metal as archie makes his way over to her with this big, happy smile…

 

_you cheated on him…you kissed another woman and then went home and fucked him, you’re disgusting, cheryl…_

 

“that storm from last weekend is rolling around again, and dad said we won’t be able to get any work done in that kind of weather, and apparently it won’t let up until next wednesday, so he gave us the week off! i figured i’d come home, spend some time with my girl…” archie says, holding the flowers out to her with a smile, and cheryl takes them from him with shaking hands, her heart aching as she licks her lips and smiles as best as she can back at him.

 

“th-thank you, archie…”

 

“mmm, you’re welcome, honey.” he presses a kiss to her lips, one she barely reciprocates, but he doesn’t even seem to notice.

 

_god, archie, for once…for once don’t be so clueless, maybe you figuring it out will be better…_

 

will it, though? god, the thought of archie _finding_ out about cheryl kissing another person, let alone a woman, instead of cheryl plucking up the courage to actually _tell_ him….she wouldn’t be surprised if archie never forgave her for that.

 

hell, she’s pretty sure she’d never forgive _herself_ for letting that happen-

 

“mmm, what do you say we cuddle up on the couch and watch a movie? then maybe…we can pick up where we left off last week?” archie says suggestively, wiggling his eyebrows with a grin, playful, funny, energetic archie andrews…

 

_he deserves someone who can love him the way he should be loved, cheryl…_

 

cheryl blinks back her tears as that revelation hits her, but instead of confessing…

 

she pecks the corner of his mouth and brushes her thumb over his cheekbone affectionately with a tearful smile.

 

“i…m-maybe not tonight, arch. but movie and cuddling sounds great.” 

 

\-----------------

 

cheryl’s foot won’t stop bouncing up and down, hitting the tiled floor of the café repeatedly and loudly as she twirls her engagement ring and lets out a shaky breath.

 

toni’s ten minutes late, and cheryl keeps looking at her watch every minute, her frustration getting stronger and stronger the longer the seconds tick by.

 

she only has an hour break, she can’t stay long-

 

the chime of the bell above the front door to the café echoes out, and cheryl’s head snaps up to see a blur of pink hair as toni stops at the door and glances around with a frown, the worry in her eyes prominent.

 

worry that fades the second her eyes meet cheryl’s, her expression softening and a smile lighting up her face as she makes her way over to the red head quickly.

 

“sorry i’m late, i got back into town in the early hours of the morning, slept through my alarm-.”

 

“it’s fine, toni. you’re here now.” cheryl says shakily, smiling as the girl takes the seat opposite her with a heavy sigh. she pushes the cup of coffee she ordered for her towards toni, biting her lip anxiously and looking up at the girl apologetically. 

 

“it’s probably cold now-.”

 

“i deserve it for being late. thank you, cheryl.” toni says hoarsely, chuckling as she takes the cup and holds it up to her lips to take a sip. her face turns in disgust for a brief second before she looks up at cheryl and sighs, setting the cup back down onto the table tiredly.

 

“you’re probably wondering why i’m back in town-.”

 

“actually…archie’s back in town, too. he explained that the storm from last week is coming back with a vengeance and that the site has been shut down until it blows over.” cheryl murmurs, averting her gaze and running her fingers over the top of her mug five times because she _has to._

 

toni licks her lips, but doesn’t say anything, a look of guilt shining in her eyes that cheryl is sure is reflected in her own.

 

“cheryl…about last saturday-.”

 

“i slept with archie.” cheryl blurts out, unable to contain herself because she needs to fucking talk to _someone_ about this. toni blinks once in surprise, a wince clear as day taking over her face before it returns to neutral.

 

she’s quiet for a few moments, cheryl’s heart racing, unsure of what to say before toni swallows thickly and clears her throat.

 

“how…how was it? how did it make you feel?” toni asks, voice hoarse and shaking slightly as she runs her fingers around the handle of her own mug. cheryl exhales shakily before she licks her lips and replies.

 

“i felt… _nothing._ i love archie, toni, i really do, but you were right. i’m not _in love_ with him. and i can’t keep pretending that i am. he deserves better, he…he needs someone who can love him the way he should be loved.” cheryl manages to get out, her throat tightening and tears welling in her eyes as she looks up at the pink haired girl to see her watching cheryl with nothing but sadness in her eyes.

 

“he does…do you think he has any idea, cheryl? just like...a little bit of an idea-."

 

"no, toni...i don't think he has a clue." cheryl says hoarsely. toni sighs, her gaze falling as she purses her lips before she responds.

 

"we accept the love we think we deserve.” she whispers. cheryl lets out a breathless laugh, wiping away the tear that falls down her cheek with a sniff.

 

“did you just quote a movie?” 

 

“hey, when the shoe fits…” toni says with a shrug, but the kindness in her eyes blows cheryl away as she simply hums and takes a sip of her coffee, gazing out of the window and pondering just how she’s going to go about this…

 

she needs to end things with archie. she can’t keep delaying it, the wedding…god, the wedding is just getting closer and closer…

 

“i’ve spent…i’ve spent the last week, thinking about everything. not just archie, and not just my parents, and not…not just _you_ , but _everything._ my childhood…the pain i felt, how _alone_ i felt growing up, even with jason by my side…do you know he’s planning on proposing to his girlfriend and he didn’t even tell me?” cheryl says, scoffing in disbelief and looking up at toni in anger, but before the girl can say anything, cheryl keeps talking, unable to stop now that she’s started.

 

“anyway, i’ve been thinking about that, and…and how i struggled to kind of find myself in high school…and how i latched onto archie because he was the first person who ever showed me any bit of attention…and i thought about college, and how being with that girl made me feel things i’d never felt before in my entire life until that moment…” cheryl desperately tries to keep her emotions down, but she finds herself tearing up as she lets out a shaky breath and smiles at the girl before her.

 

“you were right, toni. about everything…i should’ve known you’d figure it all out, you’re a therapist for god’s sake, but…you were right. i’m a lesbian. i’ve been pushing down these feelings my whole life and i’m so…i’m so tired.” cheryl whispers, sinking back into her chair and letting her eyes close, a stray tear falling down her cheek before she can stop it.

 

the second those words left her mouth, it was like every ounce of tension and confusion in her body just… _lifted._

 

but her shoulders sag in defeat, because now that it’s out there, now that she’s admitted it…it’s real.

 

how is she supposed to tell her parents? how is she supposed to break archie’s heart? how…god, just how? she doesn't know, but she does know that she's fucking _exhausted._ she's so tired of pretending all the fucking time...

 

“that’s a big step to take, cheryl. admitting that…i’m so proud of you.” toni whispers suddenly, and when cheryl looks up at her, she’s surprised to see there’s tears in toni’s eyes, the girl watching her with a soft but shaky smile as cheryl returns it easily, the words making her heart ache and her whole soul beam with happiness. 

 

“thank you.” she says simply, unsure of what else to really say as toni sniffs back her tears and leans forward a little, her coffee forgotten in front of her.

 

“i knew as soon as you said what you said during our session…i didn’t want to push you, i knew you had to figure it out on your own, but i tried my best to help-.”

 

“i know. and i’m so thankful to you for that.” cheryl says, smiling once and reaching out to take toni’s hand that’s resting on top of the table. toni happily accepts her intimacy, her fingers squeezing cheryl’s as she purses her lips and looks at cheryl with worry.

 

“have you told him yet? archie?” toni asks. cheryl purses her lips and simply shakes her head.

 

“no…but i need to. and soon. and i need…i need to tell him everything.” she says firmly. she's expecting toni to tell her it's a bad idea, that she shouldn't tell archie about their kiss, but to her surprise, toni nods once in agreement, and she stares at cheryl for a few moments before she suddenly clenches her jaw tightly.

 

“you should tell him…everything. and i just…i wanted to say how _sorry_ i am, cheryl…for putting you in this predicament, for kissing you…i’ve spent this whole week feeling nothing but guilt, for archie, for _you_ , i…i never should’ve done that-.”

 

“i kissed you back, toni. and i kissed you back because i wanted to…i’m sick of denying it. we’re _both_ guilty here. i’m just…i’m so glad that i don’t feel guilty about kissing a woman, because _that’s_ something i shouldn’t feel guilty for.” cheryl says truthfully, trying her best to process those words because they're right, god are they right...as much as she's confused about everything, she knows _that_ rings true.

 

she shouldn't be ashamed for it...kissing toni opened her eyes to so many goddamn things...

 

“no…that’s something you _definitely_ shouldn’t feel guilty about.” toni says without hesitation. cheryl smiles, but it falters, a heavy sigh escaping her as she shakes her head.

 

“the only thing…god, the only thing that upsets me about kissing you is that it’s hurting archie, and i can’t keep hurting him…i have to tell him the truth.” cheryl croaks out, wiping away a stray tear and sniffing back another as toni sighs before she gives her a sad smile.

 

“there isn’t going to be a wedding, is there?” she says, the sadness in her tone mixed with something else, perhaps _hope_ , as cheryl simply licks her lips and shakes her head again.

 

“no…there isn’t.” she croaks out hoarsely. toni’s shoulders very visibly relax, a heavy sigh escaping her before she looks at the red head with concern once more.

 

“are you scared, cheryl?” she whispers. cheryl fights back a whimper and simply nods once.

 

“more scared than i’ve ever been in my entire life.” she whispers back truthfully once again. toni gives her fingers another gentle squeeze before she sighs and begins brushing her index finger over cheryl’s knuckle tenderly.

 

“don’t be, okay? accepting who you are and embracing it…that’s the bravest thing you can do in life. and archie’s such a good guy, i…don’t doubt that he’ll be upset at first, but he truly loves you, cheryl. he’ll be in your corner, i know he will.” toni says softly. cheryl fights back her tears, but it’s useless, the water building and spilling over her eyes and onto her cheeks before toni suddenly squeezes her hand again.

 

“and…you’re not alone, cher. i’m gonna be right here with you every step of the way. whatever you need…whether it’s a shoulder to cry on or…a hand to hold…” toni trails off, licking her lips, and cheryl’s eyes are drawn to the motion as she swallows thickly and looks into toni’s eyes.

 

“what if i want more than that?” she says hoarsely. toni’s eyes widen, her grip on cheryl’s hand tightening for a second, and cheryl can see something in her eyes that she _swears_ looks like longing before she sinks back into her chair, cursing silently under her breath as she does.

 

“cheryl…as happy as i am that you’re embracing your sexuality, you…you have to know that we can’t start something…i’m your therapist-.”

 

“you _were_ my therapist. and i’m not…i’m not saying we need to start something straight away, but the connection i feel with you, toni…i’ve never felt that before. in my entire life.” cheryl whispers, not wanting to lose the contact they have right now, gripping toni’s hand to prevent her from sliding it out from hers, but toni doesn’t seem to want to do so, either. in fact, her grip tightens as well, a shaky breath escaping her as she licks her lips and looks up at cheryl with that longing look in her eyes once again.

 

“i’ve never felt it before either, cheryl. but i don’t…i know i’m not your therapist anymore, but it’s still…it’s still not _right-_ ”

 

“i know…i know, i’m so sorry, toni, i wish…i wish everything was different…” cheryl whispers brokenly, her heart pounding against her chest. she knows toni’s right, they can’t…toni could lose her career, it’s just not _possible…_

 

but it's _toni._ cheryl can't explain it, but everything about this woman speaks to something inside her, and the idea of losing that connection they have just to be...god, just to be _friends_ , it hurts...

 

“i do, too…but i…there’s just… _god…_ ” toni looks completely lost for words, tears in her eyes as she sinks back into her chair and lets out an almost frustrated sigh.

 

“i…fuck, i shouldn’t even be here, but it’s not like i can resist, can i?” toni whispers, chuckling to herself and settling back into her seat, eyes filled with worry. cheryl feels her heart ache, because she’s aware that toni’s risking her career just being here right now, having coffee with her…

 

“should’ve known i was a goner from day one.” toni murmurs, shaking her head before she looks up at cheryl with a smirk. the red head simply smiles, and toni groans before she leans forward, the hand holding hers skating up to brush up and down her forearm, fingers dancing across pale skin...

 

“god, you have the most beautiful smile…” toni says softly. cheryl feels her cheeks almost immediately turn red, a giggle escaping her, like she’s some fucking child whose crush just told her she’s pretty as she tucks a lock of hair behind her ear with her free hand. she looks up at toni, a ‘thank you’ on the tip of her tongue before-

 

“i haven’t been able to stop thinking about that kiss…and i hate that i can’t stop thinking about it because it never should’ve happened like that, but it _did_ and i can’t stop _thinking_ about it…” toni whispers, eyes fluttering closed as she inhales sharply. cheryl’s breath hitches, heart racing, mind spinning as she bites down on her bottom lip and nods once.

 

“i haven’t stopped thinking about it, either.” she confirms. toni’s eyes soften, and a silence falls between them for a few moments before toni lets out a shaky sigh.

 

“this could end horribly.” toni says simply. cheryl nods in agreement almost immediately.

 

“i know, toni…but you opened my eyes to who i am, and part of the reason why is because of what i feel when i’m with you. it’s nothing i’ve ever felt with archie, or _anyone_ before. and i…i’m so sick of hiding. i want to be who i am when i’m with you, because _that_ version of me…it’s the most real version of me i’ve ever felt.” cheryl says truthfully, no shakiness or hesitation to her tone as toni’s brows furrow, a soft sigh escaping her lips before cheryl continues.

 

“you just have to give me time, toni…time to wrap my head around everything, time to tell archie, and to…to end things with him, time to tell my parents and jason, god, as _terrifying_ as it is thinking about it…i just need time.” cheryl tells her almost pleadingly, hoping against hope that toni will give this to her...

 

toni simply smiles, letting out a soft chuckle as she stares at cheryl with an expression of complete and utter adoration.

 

“you have every second of my time, cheryl. you have from the moment i laid eyes on you.” 

 

\---------------

 

stepping through the door of her apartment, cheryl’s pretty sure she’s never felt anything quite like this before.

 

it’s not only fear running through her right now, it’s horror, panic, worry, grief, anguish…a million other things that just make her want to turn around and go back to the café, back to this afternoon with toni, where everything was complicated, yes, but she felt _safe._

 

right now, she doesn’t feel safe, even though she _knows_ archie would never do anything to hurt her, of course not, she just…doesn’t feel safe. and it’s probably because she knows that once archie knows, her parents will know…

 

the thought makes her heart clench, her breath becoming heavier as she turns the key and pushes the door to her apartment open.

 

after she and toni parted ways, she returned to work in a haze, her mind only on the pink haired girl, and as soon as she’d finished her shift, the dread of what she needed to do next had hit her.

 

she spent almost four hours just driving around the city, had simply sent a text to her fiancé telling him she’d be late, unable to bring herself to come back home and confess to him that she’d cheated and that she was, well…gay. that she’d been lying to him for the last eight years…lying to _herself_ for the last eight years…

 

but she’d come to the conclusion at the end of those hours that there was no point in continuing to run and hide from it…she can’t run from this. 

 

stepping through the door, however, and seeing archie sitting on the couch, watching a football game with nothing but excitement on his face, cheryl feels all the resolve she had suddenly leave her body at the sight of him, red hair tousled, throat bobbing as he laughs and cheers, brown eyes filled with so much life...the kindest eyes that she's been able to look in for the last eight years and confide in...

 

it’s eight years…god, eight years of her life that’s about to be destroyed…archie’s her _best friend_ , and she’s about to break his fucking heart, she can’t do this to him…

 

_no, you need to, cheryl. you can’t keep delaying this, you’re just going to make it worse…_

 

he looks up at her with a grin, completely oblivious to the pained expression on her face, and cheryl finds herself smiling sadly. the thought of not seeing him anymore…god, the thought of him hating her…

 

eight years together, what if he decides he never wants to speak to her again? 

 

“hey, honey! i ordered some pizzas, they’ll be coming-.”

 

“arch…” cheryl croaks out, her throat tightening and her heart squeezing as she drops her purse and her keys onto the dresser beside the door. archie’s smile fades as he finally takes in her stance and appearance, the way she’s stuck in fight or flight mode, and he blinks once before he immediately grabs the remote off the table and turns the tv off. 

 

“cheryl…are you okay? what’s going on?” archie goes to stand, but cheryl shakes her head and makes her way over to him on trembling legs. 

 

she’s gonna fucking vomit, fuck, fuck, _fuck-_

 

“archie…” she collapses down beside him, her shoulders shaking, her heart pounding, and she can’t even meet his eyes, can’t bear to see the look of worry in them.

 

he loves her, and she’s about to break his heart. 

 

“hey…hey, come here, it’s okay…” archie whispers, immediately wrapping his arms around her and pulling her into his embrace, and at the smell of his cologne, cheryl finds herself burying her face into his neck with a loud sob, her arms squeezing around him tightly-

 

she can’t lose him…she can’t, it’s _archie_ , it’s her best friend, he’s going to hate her-

 

“hey, you can talk to me…what’s wrong?” archie says softly, gripping her shoulders and pulling back slowly, reaching out to touch her cheek gently to brush away the tears as he gives her an encouragingly smile, and cheryl swallows down the bile rising in the back of her throat uneasily.

 

“i…archie, there’s…there’s s-something i have to tell you…” she manages to squeak out. his eyes, the look in his eyes, he’s so worried…so worried about _her…_

 

fuck, she can’t do it.

 

oh god, she can’t do it. she can’t, she can’t-

 

“what is it, cheryl?” archie asks with a frown, taking her hand into his own, lifting it and pressing a kiss to her knuckles so softly, so intimately-

 

eight years…eight years of safety, of security, of happiness despite the sadness, of laughter and love is about to be destroyed-

 

she can’t do this.

 

before archie can say anything else, cheryl jumps up and runs straight for the door, grabbing her keys and purse right where she left them on the dresser with tears running down her cheeks and the sound of archie shouting her name echoing out behind her. 

 

\--------------

 

the sound of her phone ringing cracks through the quiet air, and toni topaz jerks into consciousness at the sound and groans before she reaches for her phone on her bedside table, blinking away the sleep from her eyes groggily and glancing at her watch quickly as she swipes her finger across her phone to answer.

 

it’s almost midnight, who the hell is calling her this late?

 

“hello?” 

 

“toni?! it’s archie, archie andrews! please, i’m-i’m freaking out-.”

 

_oh god, **cheryl-**_

 

“archie, slow down, what’s happened?” toni finds herself sitting up wildly, her heart racing quickly and panic gripping her as it hits her slowly that archie andrews is calling her in a panic.

 

_cheryl told him…she actually did it-_

 

“i…i’m s-sorry, i don’t know who else to call! josie’s out of town and there’s no one else-.”

 

“archie, you’re not making any sense! take a breath, tell me what’s going on.” toni says firmly. she hears archie’s breathless panting begin to slow down as he takes a few deep breaths in before he’s letting out a frantic cry of despair.

 

“toni, please, i need your help, i…i can’t find cheryl!”

 

toni’s heart sinks down to somewhere beneath her bed.

 

“wh-what do you mean you can’t find cheryl?” 

 

“she came home like two hours ago, and she…fuck, she was trying to tell me something but she just…she just panicked and ran out before i could stop her! i’ve been looking all over the city for her for hours blowing up her phone, but she’s not answering, i…i don’t know where she is-.”

 

“okay, slow down…breathe, archie, where do you think she might’ve gone?” toni throws the covers off herself and jumps out of her bed, reaching for her bra and underwear and sliding them on while keeping her phone perched between her ear and shoulder.

 

“i don’t know, toni! i checked her work, her gym, i…i can’t find her at all! i don’t know her therapist’s number so i can’t contact them for help, and josie’s out of town, so you’re…you’re the only other person i can think of! please…”

 

toni winces, pausing with one leg inside her jeans at the mention of cheryl’s therapist, but she shakes her head quickly and focuses on the task at hand.

 

_fuck, cheryl’s missing…_

 

“okay, archie…stay calm, i’ll help you look for her, okay? tell me the exact places you’ve looked, alright? we’re gonna find her, i promise.” 

 

archie rattles off a list of places he’s been to looking for her, including a few clubs and even a couple of bars, and toni finds herself immediately thinking of the bar that josie performed at a couple of weeks ago…the bar where all of this started…

 

she promises archie she’ll call him if she finds anything and finishes pulling her shirt over her head before she’s hanging up on him and rushing out of her room to grab her keys, her wallet, her jacket and her helmet.

 

god, what happened? cheryl must’ve panicked…it’s hard, toni knows it’s hard, maybe she should’ve been there with her, but fuck, how awkward would that have been? archie isn’t even aware that _toni_ is, or well, was cheryl’s therapist, he thinks they’re just friends who have had coffee a couple of times, her being there wouldn’t have helped things at all…

 

but cheryl clearly can’t do this on her own, and as much as toni promised to be by her side…god, this is all so messed up, all so fucking crazy…

 

all because she did the one thing she said she’d never do…she promised herself when she graduated that she’d never catch feelings for a patient, and yet here she is, breaking that one fucking rule.

 

she’s ruined cheryl’s life…if she had just kept herself in check-

 

_you helped someone discover who they are, toni. if this never happened, cheryl would’ve married archie, and she’d be miserable for the rest of her life, is that really what you think she wants? is that what **you** want for her?_

 

god, even if…even if they can’t be together, even if they can’t start something, she still helped cheryl figure out her sexuality, and that _has_ to count as something positive amongst all of _this_ , doesn’t it?

 

toni swings her leg over her bike with a sigh of frustration, shoves her helmet on and turns the keys in the ignition, the bike roaring to life as she slowly peels out of the parking garage of her apartment building. 

 

she’ll check the bar first, and if cheryl’s not there, she’ll call josie and ask for help on some places she thinks cheryl might be. josie is her best friend after all…

 

toni weaves in and out of traffic, ignores the sound of cars honking their horns at her in anger as she rides harder and faster than she ever has before.

 

she feels horrible…about archie, about cheryl, about all of this, but right now, she just needs to focus on bringing cheryl home…on making sure she’s safe…

 

she pulls up to the bar within twenty minutes and simply parks her bike on the sidewalk outside it, quickly feeding the meter a few coins and dashing inside with a frown.

 

her eyes immediately scan the crowd of people for any flash of red hair, but the lights are dim and there’s so many people-

 

“shit.” toni murmurs. she bites down on her lower lip before she makes a hasty decision and heads straight for the bar, where there’s at least three bartenders working the counter.

 

“hey! have you seen a girl in here tonight? red hair, brown eyes, about five seven, slim figure?” toni shouts over the music. one of the bartenders frowns and shakes his head with a scoff.

 

“lady, you think i remember everyone who walks in and out of here?” he shouts back, grabbing a bottle opener from behind the bar top and opening a beer before he slams it down on top of the counter in front of a customer. toni rolls her eyes and tries to fight off a growl of frustration.

 

“she’s one of the the most beautiful girls in this city, there’s no way you don’t know who i’m talking about!” she says angrily despite herself. he simply shrugs, and toni glares at him before she pulls a twenty out of her purse and holds it out to him. he looks at it with a raised eyebrow before he grins and takes it from her.

 

“yeah, look, some girl matching that description came in here earlier, she looked pretty upset. she was crying, anyway, talking about a fiancé or something!” he frowns, reaching for a bottle of vodka before toni completely throws herself over the counter and grabs his arm, yanking him back desperately.

 

“what else did she say?!” toni asks hurriedly. the guy glares at her hand gripping his arm, but she doesn’t make a move to let go, only finds herself gripping harder and gritting her teeth.

 

she survived a fucking gang war, if he thinks she’s afraid of him-

 

“look, all she did was sit there, complain and get wasted! as soon as i mentioned cutting her off, she jumped up and practically ran out of here!” he tells her. toni stares at him in disbelief, unadulterated anger flooding her.

 

“you let her go out there when she’s drunk!? what the fuck is wrong with you?!” she growls furiously.

 

“hey, i was about to call her a cab, she just disappeared on me! not my fault!” he says, lifting his hands up as if that somehow washes him clean of letting a girl leave his bar while intoxicated-

 

_fuck, fuck, where is she-_

 

toni scoffs and lets him go, about to make her way out before he shouts out at her.

 

“hey, she mentioned something about a park, if that helps!” he yells. toni frowns at that, makes her way to the door in confusion, frantically trying to think what the hell that could mean-

 

oh.

 

oh, the park…

 

toni picks up her speed, runs straight to her bike and waves off the people staring at it in appreciation-

 

“damn…a hot girl on a hot bike? maybe this is my night!” one guy catcalls, making his way over to her with a sleazy grin.

 

toni ignores him and starts the engine, shoving on her helmet as she does and zipping up her jacket once she’s done.

 

“hey, wait! can i at least get your number?!” the guy shouts over the revving of her bike.

 

“i’m taken!” toni shouts back, and before he can say anything else, she flips down the visor of her helmet and peels off onto the street, heading straight for the building she drives to every single day for work.

 

_please be there, cheryl, please be there…_

 

ten minutes later, she’s pulling up to the sidewalk across from the building she works at, but instead of making her way towards it, she turns to the park across from it.

 

the park where they had their second session…

 

“cheryl?!” toni shouts, killing the engine and kicking the stand down before she all but rips her helmet off, rests it on the handle of her bike and sprints towards the park like a madwoman.

 

“cheryl, are you here?!” toni yells out, worry gripping her when she doesn’t see a flash of red hair at all, the park is completely empty-

 

wait.

 

the swings…there’s someone on the swings, slight movement in her periphery-

 

toni’s running before she can even think, sweat dripping down her brow as she jumps over the small wooden plank that separates the concrete from the sand of the playground-

 

“cheryl!?” 

 

cheryl’s head slowly lifts, eyes squinted before they widen slightly in surprise and confusion.

 

“toni?” cheryl blinks blearily at the sight of her, her whole body just sagging against the left rope keeping the swing up, and toni skids to a halt in front of her and collapses to her knees, gripping cheryl’s with her hands and letting out an almost choked out sob of relief.

 

_she’s safe, she’s okay, fuck, thank god…_

 

“cher…god, what are you doing here?” toni croaks out, reaching up to brush her hair back from her face, and toni can see she’s been crying…her cheeks are wet, some of her hair sticking to her skin, eyes red and puffy-

 

“i’m a c-coward, toni…” cheryl groans, sniffing once and sagging forward with a hiccup. toni can smell the alcohol on her breath, and she jumps up and manages to catch cheryl before she falls completely, arms wrapping around the red head tightly with a sigh. 

 

“shh, i’ve got you…you’re not a coward, cheryl.” toni whispers into her hair softly, running her fingers through it and closing her eyes when she hears cheryl sob against her. 

 

“i c-couldn’t tell him-.”

 

“i know…i know, archie told me, but we can talk about it later, okay? let’s just get you home.” toni croaks out. cheryl sniffs once against her, her hands limply gripping the back of toni’s leather jacket.

 

“i can’t tell him, t-toni-.”

 

“shh…just breathe, cher…don’t think about that right now.” cheryl whines before she buries her face further into toni’s neck, her cold nose touching the space where her neck and shoulder meet and causing toni to shudder despite herself.

 

it’s quiet for a few moments before:

 

“you smell good.” cheryl slurs. toni laughs softly, rubbing cheryl’s back soothingly before she pulls back slowly and tucks a finger under cheryl’s chin to lift her gaze.

 

"why do i miss you every second that i'm not with you?" cheryl breathes, staring into her eyes with this look of complete wonder, and toni's heart squeezes, her whole body erupting into lights and colors at those words as she wishes, more than anything, that she could kiss this girl in front of her right now...

 

toni can't think of anything to say, because she's pretty sure if she opens her mouth, she'll confess that cheryl has taken up every ounce of her mind from the moment toni met her, that cheryl is the most amazing thing to ever happen to her, that in a fucking life filled with violence and hatred, when she's with cheryl, none of that seems to fucking matter anymore, because cheryl makes her want to be better...

 

so instead of saying anything, she smiles as best as she can and watches as cheryl simply blinks once in response. her eyes are bloodshot, her whole body trembling as she sniffles cutely, causing toni’s heart to just utterly melt at the sight as brushes more hair back away from cheryl's face with a sigh.

 

“let’s get you home, yeah?”

 

\----------------

 

“oh, thank god!” 

 

the look of utter relief on archie’s face when toni walks through the door supporting his fiancé makes her heart ache, but she pushes it aside and simply offers him a small smile as she wraps her arm around cheryl’s waist tighter and lets her lean against her with a sigh.

 

“she’s a little drunk.” toni murmurs, watching as archie frowns while she steps into their apartment slowly. toni’s eyes are immediately drawn to the photos on the walls, ones of cheryl and archie over the years, smiles on their faces, archie looking as happy as ever while the smile on cheryl’s face doesn’t quite seem to reach her eyes…

 

cheryl’s head lolls against her shoulder with a soft whimper, and toni looks to archie with a wince, watching as he frowns at his fiancé worriedly.

 

“where’s your room? i think she just needs to sleep this off…”

 

“uh…yeah, it’s just down the hall.” archie croaks out, ruffling the back of his head as he leads the way with concern written all over his face as toni half drags, half carries cheryl down the hallway and through the door that archie holds open. 

 

“i can take her, toni-.” archie starts, but toni shakes her head and looks up at him apologetically.

 

“archie. i know nothing makes sense right now, but…she just needs a minute, okay? just…give me a minute with her and i’ll meet you back out here.” toni says firmly. archie frowns, but purses his lips and simply nods once as toni steps through the door and makes her way over to the bed inside it. she takes only a second to look around the room, the prim and properness of it, and she can’t help but chuckle, because she knows it’s cheryl’s ocd that keeps this place so clean…

 

she helps cheryl lay down with a sigh, the girl rolling onto her side with a sniff and a groan as toni gets to work removing her shoes, unbuckling the straps and pulling them off gently as she hears archie close the door, but doesn’t hear the lock click, and she just _knows_ he’s listening in as cheryl whines and reaches for toni’s hand.

 

“toni, where am i?” she croaks out. toni smiles and places her shoes on the ground before she sits down on the bed at cheryl’s waist, a hand reaching out to rub up and down cheryl’s arm soothingly.

 

she’s cold…

 

“you’re home, okay? you’re safe now.” toni says softly. cheryl swallows thickly, eyes squinted shut, but still filled with tears as she moves one hand to rest on toni’s thigh, nails digging in slightly as their eyes meet slowly.

 

“stay? please, toni, st-stay here with me…” she whispers brokenly, tears falling down the sides of her face and into her hair. toni bites back a whine and sniffs once, rubbing her arm again to give her a bit of warmth, her heart breaking at the sight of cheryl crying.

 

“archie’s right outside the door, cheryl…” toni whispers back, her voice cracking slightly with emotion.

 

“i don’t want archie, i want _you._ ” cheryl whines, a sob escaping her as toni blinks back her tears and leans in a little closer, unable to stop herself from nodding, ready to agree to whatever cheryl wants, god, _whatever_ she wants…

 

“okay…i’ll stay right here until you fall asleep, cher.” toni says softly, reaching out to brush her hair back from her face, tucking it behind her ears tenderly and praying to everyone she knows that archie isn’t hearing this right now…

 

“and after?” cheryl whispers, a slight pout on her face that toni wishes she could kiss away as she simply smiles and nods once with a chuckle.

 

“and after…shh, go to sleep, cher, i’m right here, i promise…” 

 

it doesn’t take long for cheryl to drift off, her hand clasped in toni’s tightly beginning to ease as she falls into her slumber, and toni sighs before she gently slips her hand out of cheryl’s. she stands slowly, reaches for the blankets at the end of the bed and pulling them over cheryl’s body, making sure she’s fully covered before she brushes her thumb over cheryl’s brow and leans in to press a gentle kiss to it softly.

 

"for the record...i miss you every second that i'm not with you too, cher..." toni whispers against her skin, eyes fluttering closed at the feeling of it pressed against her lips before she straightens up slowly.

 

she keeps checking back to see if cheryl’s still asleep as she makes her way to the door, or at least, that’s what she tells herself…she doesn’t want to take her eyes off her, god, even distraught and drunk and filled with confusion, cheryl blossom is still the most beautiful girl she’s ever seen in her entire life…

 

she opens the door and steps outside, and once she closes it shut behind her, she turns to see archie leaning against the wall, his jaw hard and this look of confusion in his eyes that toni finds her heart breaking at the sight of.

 

_you’re part of the reason why he’s like this, toni…_

 

“archie…”

 

“is she okay?” he asks hoarsely, lips pursed and brows furrowed with worry as he crosses his arms over his chest and leans against the wall a little more. toni licks her lips and simply nods once.

 

“she’s got a lot on her mind, but…i think she will be.” toni says with a sigh. archie’s frown only deepens, his eyes suddenly distant as if he’s trying to piece things together.

 

“she…she was trying to tell me something before she ran off…” he murmurs. toni feels her heart begin to pound against her chest wildly, panic gripping her as archie stares at her in desperation.

 

“toni…what’s going on?”

 

she can't tell him...this is between him and cheryl, she can't just tell him, cheryl would never forgive her...

 

but he looks so fucking sad, so fucking desperate right now to just know _the truth..._

 

“i…archie, i’m sorry, but it’s not my place to say anything. this…you need to hear it from cheryl, not me.” toni croaks out. archie suddenly reaches out with a shake of his head, gripping toni’s shoulder and giving it a gentle squeeze, his eyes only slightly maniac with panic.

 

“toni, please…i’m freaking out here, just tell me what’s going on!?” he asks frantically. toni blinks back her tears, shrugs out of his grip and lets out a shaky breath, unable to even look him in the eyes.

 

“i’m s-sorry, archie, i…i c-can’t.” 

 

and before archie can call her back, toni runs straight for the front door, the tears spilling over before she can stop them.

 

\----------------

 

cheryl’s head is _pounding_ when she wakes up, the sun streaming in through the curtains causing her to groan as she buries her face into her pillow. 

 

_god, what the hell happened last night…_

 

she only vaguely remembers going to that bar where she saw josie perform…vaguely remembers-

 

oh god, the park…toni finding her-

 

“toni?” cheryl croaks out, pushing herself up onto her elbows slowly and glancing around the room for any sign of pink hair-

 

“hey…” cheryl almost jumps out of her skin, her heart racing as she looks to the door with a gasp to see none other than archie making his way towards her, this shaky smile taking over his face as he walks in slowly, cautiously, as if he doesn’t want to startle her while cheryl tries to ignore the disappointment that floods her upon seeing him.

 

“toni’s not here, she…she left last night, a little bit after you fell asleep.” 

 

his eyes are bloodshot, like he hasn’t slept all night, and cheryl doesn’t know if he actually has. his side of the bed is still smooth, like he didn’t even sleep beside her last night…

 

toni's not here...god, cheryl misses her-

 

_your fiance is right in front of you, looking distraught as anything and you're thinking about another woman!? stop being so fucking selfish-_

 

“how are you feeling?” archie asks hoarsely, taking a seat by her waist on the bed slowly and reaching for her hand. cheryl lets him take it, the guilt gripping her as she blinks the sleep away and looks up at him sadly.

 

he was probably so worried about her last night, fuck…

 

“i’m…i’m fine, i’m so, so sorry, archie-.”

 

“hey…it’s okay. i’m just glad you’re safe.” archie says softly, letting out a shaky sigh as he lifts her hand to his lips to press a kiss to her knuckles. cheryl bites back a whimper, but her bottom lip trembles despite herself, because she knows he’s going to ask, and she knows she won’t be able to lie to him.

 

toni had come to her at that park last night, and all cheryl felt was relief at the sight of her. and yet coming here, coming _home_ and seeing archie had filled her with nothing but dread. 

 

she’s not going to do this to him anymore. 

 

maybe deep down, she is a selfish person...but right now, she's going to put her feelings aside and do what's right. because everything in her is telling her to run, but she grips the sheets between her fingers and forces herself to stay.

 

_he deserves to know..._

 

“cheryl...can you please tell me what’s going on?” archie practically pleads, this look in his eyes that has cheryl choking on a cry before she can stop herself.

 

she tries her best just to breathe, but tears fall down her cheeks immediately as she looks up at him and finally just lets the words go.

 

“archie, w-we can’t g-get married.” cheryl manages to get out through shuddering gasps. 

 

an almost deadly silence takes over the entire room. archie’s eyes are wide, a million different emotions flashing before them as his grip on cheryl’s hand loosens, disappears completely within a few seconds as he processes what cheryl’s just said.

 

“wh…what? cheryl, what are you talking about?” he breathes, shaking his head, like he must be imagining things, she can’t possibly be suggesting they cancel the wedding-

 

“i’m s-sorry, archie, i’m s-so sorry, but i…i c-can’t do it, i can’t-.”

 

“why? just… _why_ , why can’t you do it? did i do something wrong? did i say something, i...i don't understand!” archie pleads, his voice trembling with emotion as tears well in his eyes, and cheryl finds herself reaching out to take his hands into her own, the warmth of his hands making her inhale with a shudder. she sniffs back her tears as best as she can and shakes her head, because as much as this is hurting her, she _has_ to do this.

 

she can’t hurt him anymore.

 

_you’re hurting him right now, cheryl…_

 

“no, you...you haven't done anything, i j-just...archie, wh-when i was in college, and we t-took a break from our relationship, i…i slept with a girl, and ever since th-then, i’ve been…god, archie, i’ve been denying my sexuality because i was t-terrified of wh-what my parents would think and what _you_ w-would think-.” it’s all coming out of her in a rush, and archie is staring at her like she’s grown a third fucking head, completely lost on what’s coming out of her mouth-

 

“i…wait, what?! cheryl, what are you trying to say right now? you’re…you’re not-.”

 

“i am, archie! i…fuck, i’m so sorry, but i am, i’m…i’m gay, arch. i’m s-so sorry, i’m so s-sorry i didn’t tell you earlier, but fuck, i didn’t even _know_ myself-.” cheryl’s not even making any sense anymore, she’s rambling, over tears, over choked out sobs-

 

“no, this is…this is nuts!” archie cries out, jumping up off the bed and gripping the back of his head, scoffing in disbelief and shaking his head furiously while cheryl sits there and cries, her whole body shaking and her head aching terribly with the tears she’s crying-

 

“a-arch-archie, p-please…p-please d-don’t h-hate me-.” she chokes out, gripping the blankets so tightly, her knuckles turn white, and cheryl hears him sigh in frustration before she feels soft hands grip her face, lifting her gaze up until she meets archie’s kind, soft brown eyes. 

 

“i…cheryl, i don’t hate you, i just…are you sure? you can't just...fuck, are you sure?" he whispers hoarsely, the tears in his eyes building once more, and cheryl simply lets herself cry as she nods furiously against his grip.

 

“i'm s-sure! i l-love you, archie, i l-love you so much, b-but i…i’m n-not…i’m not _in love_ with you-.” she breaks down as soon as those words leave her mouth, her heart aching as archie’s hands fall from her face, this look of utter confusion and shock written all over his own face.

 

god, he didn’t see this coming at all, did he?

 

_you hurt him, cheryl…_

 

archie’s crying, tears falling down his cheeks, but he’s not crying hysterically like cheryl is. his body is shaking, but he’s not weeping, not wailing like cheryl is, desperately reaching out for him as he holds her hands in his own…

 

“you…i can’t…god, what the fuck…” archie breathes, his voice shaking and only the slightest hint of a sob escaping him before he swallows the lump in his throat loudly and tries again.

 

“you…you could’ve told me, cheryl! you could’ve told me, i…i wouldn’t have judged you, i wouldn’t have stopped loving you, you’re…you’re my _best friend_ , cheryl…” his voice pitches higher as he tries his hardest to keep his tears at bay, and cheryl doesn’t even hold back the loud cry building in her throat as she throws her arms around him, crying into his shoulder as she grips the back of his shirt for dear fucking life.

 

“i’m sorry! i’m s-sorry-.”

 

“cheryl, i…this whole time, you’ve…you’ve never _loved_ me?” archie whispers, his hands barely touching her back, and cheryl feels bile rise in the back of her throat that she quickly swallows down with a shake of her head.

 

“i do! i do, i love you, archie, i just-.”

 

“don’t love me in that way.” archie finishes for her, pulling away slowly with a clenched jaw and hard eyes as he nods once and wipes away the tears from his cheeks with a loud sniff.

 

“i’m…archie, i’m sorry-.”

 

“god, stop apologizing, cheryl! just…why now? eight years you’ve been pretending, why now did you decide to stop?” archie demands, a steely gaze taking over as cheryl whimpers and swallows down the lump in her throat. 

 

she has to tell him, she has to, she can’t keep this from him, too-

 

"i...i m-met someone." cheryl breathes. archie's expression very, very quickly turns cold.

 

"who?" he says through slightly gritted teeth, causing cheryl to bite a whine, the bile rising in her throat once again-

 

archie figures it out before she gets the chance to say anything.

 

“toni?” he says simply, nodding resolutely, like he knows that's the answer, the look in his eyes filled with nothing but confusion, but also panic and rage as he looks at cheryl in disbelief. 

 

cheryl’s heart is pounding so fucking fast, she’s scared she’s about to have a heart attack, and it’s like she’s on autopilot…the way she nods once and lets out a whimper before she finally finds it in her to say something-

 

“she…sh-she was my therapist, and…and we got c-close as the weeks went by-.”

 

“wait, she’s…she’s your _therapist?_ but you started seeing a therapist before you met her in riverdale…” he says slowly, frowning before his eyes widen and he suddenly scoffs and glares at her.

 

“you pretended not to know her.” he says it matter-of-factly, not as a question, and once again, cheryl simply nods, unable to find the words to say-

 

“why? why did you lie to me about that, cheryl?” archie says somewhat calmly, but he’s clenching his fist, knuckles turning white as cheryl tries so hard not to fucking panic-

 

“a-archie, p-please-.”

 

“cheryl, have you been cheating on me with her?” he asks incredulously but also quietly, like he can’t quite believe he’s even asking that question himself, like he can't quite believe that the woman he's loved for the last eight years would _do something_ like this to him.

 

but she did. 

 

cheryl’s sobbing again, her throat sore, her body tired, her eyes puffy and stinging painfully as she tries to choke out an answer.

 

“y-yes, but i j-just k-kissed her-.” archie all but yanks his hands out of her grip and jumps up from the bed with a growl of anger, making his way straight to the door, and cheryl half cries, half screams, watches him make his way to the door, watches him about to leave her forever-

 

_no, no, no, no-_

 

“WAIT! WAIT, ARCHIE!” cheryl jumps up from the bed, running blindly after him with tears falling down her cheeks as she rips the door open and manages to make it the living room, reaching for archie’s hand as he grabs his jacket from the hook on the wall-

 

“archie, it was j-just a k-kiss, i s-swear-.”

 

“let go of me, cheryl!” archie barks, ripping his arm out of her grasp, his eyes wide and filled with rage, but also tears, the look of disgust on his face when he looks at _her_ causing cheryl to fall to her knees in anguish, barely able to breathe as he grabs his keys off the dresser and opens the front door-

 

“ARCHIE, PLEASE DON’T GO, PLEASE!” cheryl screams at the top of her lungs, but archie slams the door shut behind him without a backwards glance, the walls shaking with the force.

 

and cheryl just curls up on the ground, half of her screaming for archie to come back, half of her sobbing loudly as her heart just continues to break with each passing second that archie doesn’t return. 

 

eight years of her life is now over. eight years of her life just walked out of that door feeling nothing but disgust and hatred towards her, just like eight years of archie's life just cheated on him with another woman and confessed to him that she never loved him...

 

eight years of their life is just…gone.


	9. start from the beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS HAS TAKEN A VERY LONG TIME, I AM VERY, VERY SORRY.
> 
> if you guys didn't know, i was involved in an accident with my bike where i kinda got tapped from the back and ended up toppling over so my bike crushed my whole left side, it was NOT PRETTY. basically i have a hairline fracture in my thigh bone (i'm not a doctor i can't remember the name of it) and my arm is all kinds of fucked up too, so to make this long story short, i'm stuck in bed for the next three or so weeks!
> 
> now you would think that would mean "omg now i can write for three weeks straight without work or social obligations getting in the way!" haha hmm, not the case. like i said, my arm is all kinds of fucked up, so typing for long periods of time really, REALLY fucking hurts. :( so unfortunately, as a result, updates are going to take quite a while to come out.
> 
> i so, so, so wish that wasn't the case, and i'm trying so hard to like power through the pain to keep writing for you guys, but having an almost 500 pound bike squash you is not fun so please bear with me? :( i'm doing my absolute best!
> 
> now, enough of that, onto the fic! this chapter is a little shorter than the previous ones (see above), but the content is uh...healing, i guess? we're getting there is what i'm trying to say! also some of the comments from the last chapter, whew! please don't hate on ma boy andrews, he just got cheated on and he has a right to be upset! 
> 
> anyway, twitter is @endofdaysforme, you can hit me up there or leave a SMASHING comment telling me i'm a whole idiot for letting my ass get squashed by my own damn bike smdh, see you guys in the next one, whenever that may be!

it feels like torture.

 

the sick feeling in her stomach hasn’t faded for days, and without a single thought, or a single glance…cheryl grabs her phone that’s been incessantly buzzing for at least ten seconds now and quickly declines the call, pressing the button on the side before returning her gaze to the ceiling.

 

she hasn’t moved in days, doesn't even know how many have actually passed...has barely slept, barely eaten, barely done anything but lay in this bed and cry, her mind spinning, her heart aching, her body beyond sore from all the crying she’s done, from the dry heaving in the toilet she spent the first day doing, from the consistent thoughts of anguish and guilt for everything that's happened.

 

she hasn’t heard from archie, his name not popping up on her caller id, and it’s the only name she wants to see. she gets calls from josie, from betty, from jason, even from jughead and of course…

 

of course, she gets calls from toni. but cheryl doesn’t accept any of them. she can’t bring herself to. she doesn’t even know what to say. all she cares about is that archie isn’t trying to reach out to her, is ignoring her for the first time in eight years, which means he's clearly is as heartbroken as she feels. even when they broke up in college, archie still remained her friend. they spoke almost every day, and now? it's been days and not a single word...and god does it hurt so fucking much.

 

but there's no one else to blame. definitely not archie, as far as she's concerned. she'll be surprised if he ever fucking talks to her again. this is all her fault. it’s all her fault, this is all on her, because cheryl’s the one who cheated, cheryl’s the one who broke his heart, archie did nothing fucking wrong-

 

cheryl whines and buries her face into her pillow, her eyes so fucking sore from all the crying she’s done for the last five days. she’s so sick of crying, and she’s positive she has not a single ounce of moisture in her body to let out tears, the lack of water she's had finally getting to her because her eyes simply sting, no tears falling as she grips the pillow tighter. 

 

she’s positive she’s heard knocking on the door a few times since yesterday, but she doesn’t even have the energy to push herself up out of bed to answer. she doesn’t want to see anyone who isn’t archie, doesn’t want to talk to anyone who isn’t the man she’s known for the last eight years…doesn’t want to be around anyone who isn’t her best friend. 

 

she just wants a chance to explain herself, god, but she knows she doesn’t even deserve the right to ask for the opportunity. as much as she wants to call archie, she knows he won’t answer, and even if he does, what the fuck is she supposed to say?

 

she cheated on him. plain and simple. she kissed toni, and even if it boils down to her figuring out her sexuality, even if it boils down to her developing feelings for someone else, she still acted on them, and she still cheated. 

 

she’s disgusting…horrible, selfish, vile, deviant, a hundred other bad things-

 

her phone buzzes again. cheryl grabs it and throws it across the room with a scream, watches it smash against the wall without a single care as she sobs and clutches her chest, wishing she could rip her fucking heart out and throw it away because she’s so tired of how much it _hurts._

 

she has no idea what's going on in the outside world. doesn't care enough to find out. the only thing causing the bile to rise in the back of her throat, however, is the thought that archie's likely told everyone by now that the wedding is off, meaning her parents are likely either in the process of disowning her, or are on their way to new york to kill her. regardless, she hasn't heard from them in days, and it just scares her even more.

 

it makes her cry harder as she pulls the blankets over her body tighter, sniffling once and trying her best to just _breathe._

 

what hurts more than anything is the fact that as much as she misses archie, she also misses _toni._ and the betrayal of that, the betrayal of her heart missing someone who isn’t archie hurts, but it’s not like she can help how she feels at all. toni always knows how to calm her down, how to make her feel better, and she just…god, she just needs archie, just for a second, just to talk to him-

 

a knock at the door. louder than it was yesterday…she thinks she can hear a voice, muffled by the distance, but cheryl grabs her pillow and places it over her head to stop herself from screaming at them to fuck off. she doesn’t know who it is, doesn’t care to know who it is, either. 

 

_but what if it’s archie?_

 

can’t be…archie has a key, he’d just walk in…this is his home just as much as it’s cheryl’s-

 

oh god…what’s going to happen to their home? to their apartment, to the home they’ve spent the last four years making together, what is she supposed _to do?_

 

god, where is he? is he okay at least? is he with someone? is someone looking after him? a million different questions that she doesn’t have a single answer to, she hates this so fucking much…

 

she needs to talk to him…just for a second, if she can pull herself up out of this bed-

 

she hears the sound of metal clanging outside her window, but doesn’t pay any attention to it, her whole body throbbing with agony as she looks at her destroyed phone in the corner of the room with regret. she could’ve called him, she could’ve-

 

“cheryl?”

 

three quick raps against the glass pane of the window to the right of her, and cheryl gasps and sits up, looking around wildly in surprise at the sound of her name. she turns her head, barely able to see through her tears.

 

her eyes focus on a figure crouched down by her window, the shadows flicking across her room from the sun bearing down on whoever is outside her window.

 

someone used the fire escape to climb up, who the hell-

 

“cheryl, please? i just need to know you’re okay!” 

 

oh…oh, god…

 

she doesn’t deserve her. she doesn’t deserve archie and she doesn’t deserve-

 

“toni?” cheryl somehow manages to push herself up off the bed, her whole body trembling from lack of use, her feet aching with each step as she makes her way to the window. her heart clenches at the sight before her, but the relief that floods her is quickly replaced with guilt almost immediately.

 

because she cheated on archie with this woman, and yet, she can’t help how her heart seems to heal just a little at the mere sight of her. 

 

toni is staring at her with nothing but worry, a sad, shaky smile lifting her features as cheryl simply stands there, unable to process anything before her-

 

“let me in, cher…please? just for a second, just to check on you.” toni says softly, her voice muffled by the window. all cheryl can do is stare at the woman before her, marveling over her beauty, and the fact that she climbed the fucking fire escape to get to her, and cheryl can’t even force herself to open the window-

 

she pushes herself forward and unlatches the lock, stepping back with a whimper as toni immediately grips the bottom of the pane and lifts it up slowly with a grunt, the sounds of the outside world flooding cheryl's ears for the first time in days.

 

birds chirping, cars honking, the sound of construction work in the distance...

 

toni simply sits there for a second, doesn’t let herself in and looks at her as cheryl bites down on her trembling bottom lip and lets out a shaky sigh. 

 

“i…i don’t want to talk, toni.” she manages to get out somehow, her hands twisting nervously before she can stop herself. toni purses her lips and nods once before she’s stepping in through the window pane, her feet landing on the carpet of cheryl’s bedroom as she lets out a huff of exasperation.

 

“you don’t have to talk. you can just let me look after you.” toni whispers, her eyes wide as she looks cheryl up and down, taking in the sight before her, more than likely in shock at how cheryl has let herself go.

 

_you don’t deserve her, cheryl._

 

all cheryl can do is shake her head as she moves back to the bed sullenly, crawling back under the covers and turning her face away from toni completely, unable to face her, to face the truth of the situation she’s landed herself in.

 

she betrayed eight years of love and trust for something she knows is magical, something she knows is special, but ultimately, it's something that’s cost her so much…

 

“go away, toni. please…” she croaks out, pulling the blankets to cover herself from sight entirely, feeling unworthy of even being _seen_ by toni-

 

“i will, cher…i promise i will, let me just make sure you’re okay first…you look like you haven’t slept in days, and you're almost skin and bones...” toni says, worry dripping from every word she speaks. cheryl simply pulls the blankets over herself closer, and she hears toni sigh before the bed dips, cheryl’s legs slightly sliding because of it.

 

“how long has it been since you ate?” toni asks softly. cheryl throws the covers off herself, closes her eyes and winces at how they sting before she clutches her pillow tighter, and toni sighs before she suddenly stands, the bed returning to normal as she makes her way towards the front door.

 

“i’ll make you something to eat, okay?” she says firmly. cheryl whines and buries her face into her pillow once again in response, her mind complete and utter mush, and toni disappears from the room, the door opening and being left slightly ajar as she walks out. 

 

cheryl has no idea what she’s doing here, can’t believe she climbed up the goddamn fire escape to get to her, but she feels horrible for not even texting toni to let her know she’s okay…toni’s done so much for her and this is how cheryl repays her?

 

_you’re a terrible person, cheryl, you don’t deserve love at all…_

 

god, how many times is toni going to prove to her just how caring she is? how many times is cheryl going to continue ignore just how _special_ toni is to her in favor of moping around in guilt for what she's done?

 

but doesn't she have that right? it's _eight years_...

 

cheryl stews in her miserable thoughts, pulls the blankets back over herself with a choked out sob, and she hears toni walk back in a few minutes later, hears her sigh before she places something on her bedside table and suddenly sits back down on the bed, this time right beside cheryl instead of at the foot of the bed.

 

“cheryl…come on, just have a bite to eat and some water, please? for me?” toni whispers, and cheryl feels her reach for the top of the blanket to pull it down, the warmth of her hand pulsing through the covers and making cheryl shudder despite herself.

 

she whips the blanket off, and cheryl looks up at her with a trembling bottom lip, eyes stinging with tears once more.

 

“cher…” toni’s hand suddenly reaches out to brush the hair away from her face, causing cheryl’s breath to hitch, guilt flooding her at _wanting_ toni’s touch, and the pink haired girl smiles sadly before she drops her hand and reaches instead for the bedside table.

 

“come on, just a couple bites, okay?” she says softly, holding a plate out to cheryl with a sandwich on top of it. cheryl hesitates, but knows toni won’t leave unless she eats, and even though part of her selfishly doesn’t want toni to leave, she finds herself sitting up slowly as she reaches for the sandwich, holds it in her hands before she takes a small bite. bile rises in the back of her throat almost immediately, but she swallows it down and continues chewing for a few moments, feeling some of the energy return to her upon swallowing it down. toni reaches for the glass of water that was beside the plate, holds it out to cheryl, who takes it with a trembling hand.

 

“thank you.” she croaks out in a small voice, raising the glass to her lips to take a small sip and almost choking on it from the lack of water she’s had for the last few days. she manages to get at least a gulp of it down, licks her lips and moves to take another sip as toni watches her with pursed lips.

 

“can…can i touch you?” she asks gently. cheryl closes her eyes, the glass resting on her lips before she nods once and takes another gulp of water as toni reaches up to brush the hair back that’s sticking to her face. the second she makes contact, an electric current runs up cheryl’s spine, the involuntary shiver running up it as she looks at toni with nothing but anguish.

 

she takes a couple more bites of the sandwich before the queasiness in her stomach becomes too much, and she drains the glass dry before toni takes the plate and the glass of water, placing them back on the bedside table. she tucks cheryl’s hair back behind her ear when it falls over her face again with a small smile. 

 

“are you okay?” toni asks hoarsely. cheryl bites back a whimper, simply shakes her head, her fingers twisting nervously and her hand reaching for the engagement ring on her finger-

 

_she has to give it back to archie..._

 

“i t-told him. i t-told him everything.” she breathes, swallowing down the bile that rises as toni sucks in a sharp breath. 

 

a few moments go by before toni finally speaks up.

 

“do you want me to leave?” toni whispers. cheryl looks down at her engagement ring, remembers the look on archie’s face as he left, the look of disgust, of horror and shock and complete _hurt_ in his eyes-

 

she chokes on a sob and finds herself collapsing against toni, her head coming to rest in the crook of toni’s neck as the pink haired girl gasps in slight shock before she wraps her arms around cheryl and rocks her back and forth gently, her chin coming to rest on the top of cheryl’s head with a sigh.

 

just having toni's arms around her, cheryl feels like her whole body becomes lighter, and it causes nothing but guilt, nothing but sadness as she curls her fingers into toni's shirt in a desperation just to keep herself together.

 

“shh…let it out, it’s okay…” toni whispers, rubbing her back soothingly as cheryl cries and cries without any tears falling, her body too tired to even produce any, eyes stinging and puffy, she’s so fucking _exhausted…_

 

“i’m so sorry, cheryl…i’m so sorry for all the pain i’m causing you-.”

 

“n-no, n-not your f-fault…i sh-should’ve ended th-things with h-him a long t-time ago-.” cheryl chokes out, gripping toni’s shirt between her fingers, inhaling the scent of her sugary perfume and realizing just how much it calms her straight away as toni sighs and suddenly rakes her fingers through cheryl’s hair tenderly.

 

“you didn’t even know, cheryl, you thought you were in love with him-.”

 

“n-no! n-no, it’s my f-fault! m-my f-fault-.” cheryl wails, shaking her head against toni and only crying harder when she realizes what she’s doing, snuggling up to the woman she cheated on archie with-

 

“shh, it’s no one’s fault, cheryl, please…please, just breathe for me, okay?” toni pleads, the fingers in her hair moving to her shoulder to rub circles into them as cheryl tries her best to do as she’s asked, breathing in through her nose and out through her mouth shakily. 

 

“there you go, good girl, shh…” 

 

it’s quiet for a few moments, the soft sound of toni’s breathing helping cheryl to do the same before she feels toni shift against her with another sigh.

 

“you need to talk to archie, cheryl.” she says firmly. cheryl whines and nods against her desperately, looking up at her pleadingly as if she can somehow get them in contact with each other, she can, can't she? because toni topaz is made of fucking magic, she can do it-

 

“i w-want to, b-but he h-hates m-me, toni-.”

 

“he’s loved you for eight years, cheryl, he’s not going to hate you overnight. yes, he’s probably mad as hell, but he’ll _listen._ he’s a good man who cares about you.” toni says gently, but all it does is make cheryl cry harder as she grips toni’s shirt between her fingers and almost twists the fabric into ruin.

 

“and i b-betrayed h-him, i h-hurt him like th-that-.”

 

“shh, it’s okay…” toni whispers, rocking her back and forth slowly, her cheek resting against cheryl’s forehead as the red head tries her best just to breathe. her whole body is hurting, her eyes stinging as she closes them shut, and toni’s lips press against her brow as she continues rocking her soothingly, cheryl’s eyes getting heavier and heavier…

 

god, she's so _tired..._

 

“try to sleep, cher…get some rest, i’m right here, okay?” toni says softly, almost like she can feel the fatigue coming off her as she tries her best to put the woman in her arms to sleep. she knows cheryl’s exhausted, can feel it in how she’s resting against her so heavily, her fingers gripping toni’s shirt getting looser as she lets out a soft whine-

 

“don’t leave me, toni, p-please…”

 

“i’m not going anywhere, i’m right here…shh, sleep now, it’s okay…” toni croaks out, lifting cheryl’s legs into her lap as well as her breathing gets steadier and steadier.

 

it’s not long at all before toni can feel her whole body relax against her, soft puffs of breath hitting her neck as cheryl’s eyes flutter restlessly, and toni looks down at her, sees the bags under her eyes and how puffy and swollen they are and blinks back her own tears at the sight.

 

she feels so fucking guilty…she’s partly responsible for this, partly responsible for what’s happened here, to cheryl, to archie, to their relationship…

 

part of this is her fault, and cheryl’s anguish right now is because of her.

 

she waits until cheryl’s completely relaxed against her before she presses a gentle kiss to her brow and lays her down slowly and softly against the bed, throwing the covers back over her and making sure she’s tucked in properly. she takes a few moments to stare down at the girl in sadness, her hand almost automatically reaching out to brush away the stray stands of hair stuck to her slightly wet cheeks. she takes in her slightly parted lips and her puffy eyes, tries to swallow down her tears at the sight of cheryl's sadness and focuses instead on just how _beautiful_ she really is...

 

she sighs before she grabs the plate and glass of water on the bedside table and makes her way towards the door.

 

she doesn't know what she's doing here, really...she just hadn't heard from cheryl in days and she was getting worried. it was probably a little stalkerish, climbing up the fucking fire escape, but cheryl wasn't answering the door, and toni has spent the last two days knocking. she needed to do _something-_

 

she’s heading to the kitchen when she hears the doorknob on the front door jiggle, and toni pauses, her heart falling and her eyes widening as the door slowly opens-

 

and archie walks through. 

 

_ahh...fuck._

 

his back is turned for the first few moments as he closes the door behind him, but as soon as he turns around and his eyes land on toni standing in the middle of the living room, his expression turns cold and stony. toni almost immediately picks up on just how bloodshot red and puffy his own eyes are, notices the bags immediately, acknowledges that archie's probably had an even more difficult time than cheryl has for the last six days...

 

his jaw clenches, nostrils flaring in anger as toni licks her lips and simply stares back at him in surprise.

 

“so what? you’ve moved in now?” he hisses, glaring at her with nothing but hatred as toni winces, tries not to take it to heart and slowly shakes her head.

 

“no, of course not. cheryl’s…cheryl’s having a really rough time right now.” she croaks out. archie scoffs and suddenly drops the bag on his shoulder to the ground, shaking his head angrily and looking at her in disbelief.

 

“ _cheryl’s_ having a rough time? how the fuck do you think i feel, toni?” he growls, arms crossing over his chest tightly. toni lets out a shaky sigh, and she rests the plate and the glass on the benchtop of the kitchen before she makes her way to the couch in the living room slowly.

 

there's only one thing that's going to fix this. if she's learned anything from that day...that day sweet pea and fangs were killed, it's that keeping quiet and not communicating only lead to chaos...

 

“archie…will you give me a chance to explain? please? i know you don’t owe me or cheryl anything, so do this for yourself instead. so you can get some clarity on what’s going on, okay?” 

 

archie’s jaw clenches once again before he exhales shakily through his nose and makes his way over to her, hesitating to sit down on the couch before he eventually collapses down onto it as far away from her as possible. toni clears her throat, tries to push past how uncomfortable she feels so she can try to make this situation better.

 

she’s a therapist, this is her goddamn job…time to delve deep and find a way to fix this.

 

“where…where’ve you been staying the last few days?” toni asks hoarsely, watching as archie scoffs and avoids eye contact with her, his eyes firmly planted on the tv that’s turned off in front of them as if he can't bear to even look at her, not that toni blames him-

 

“i’ve been staying at my friend's place, his name's chris. why do you care?” he spits out, voice filled with venom that toni tries her best not to take personally.

 

she just needs to explain…

 

“archie, of course i care. we’ve gotten to know each other these last few weeks that you’ve been building my vacation home-.”

 

“yeah, you can consider us out of that deal, by the way. i don’t care how much you’re paying us, my dad and i aren’t helping you anymore.” archie growls, his fists clenched as they rest on his lap, still avoiding eye contact, and toni tries not to acknowledge the pain in her heart at those words, tries to see it from archie’s perspective as she nods slowly.

 

of course he wouldn't want to do it anymore, it's...it's fine, she can find someone else, it's not a big deal...

 

“okay, that’s…that’s fair-.”

 

“pretty fair considering you stole my fiancé from me!” archie says somewhat calmly despite his voice shaking with rage. toni lets out a heavy sigh and falls back against the couch, rubbing her forehead unconsciously.

 

“i didn’t _steal_ cheryl from you, archie. she didn’t just become gay overnight, she was _born_ like this. she’s just been repressing it for so _long_ , she didn’t even realize until she…until she found someone she liked…someone she connected with.” toni says softly, watching carefully as archie winces before he shakes his head and clenches his jaw once again.

 

“she had a connection with _me._ did that just fade overnight, too?” he croaks out, arms crossing over his chest protectively once again, _still_ avoiding eye contact as toni licks her lips and shakes her head.

 

“no…you’re her best friend, archie, she _loves_ you. she just…she mistook it for a romantic connection when it wasn’t. it’s not her fault.” toni says, simply reiterating the things she's heard from cheryl herself over the last month or so of them knowing each other, particularly from that day they spoke at the cafe during her break...

 

“and what about _me?_ i’ve loved her for eight years, toni! i saw it as a romantic connection, so much so that i fucking proposed to her! what, that just gets tossed out because suddenly she’s gay?!” archie cries, tears welling in his eyes as his fingers dig into his biceps as he _finally_ turns to look at her in anger. toni swallows the lump in her throat down forcefully and shakes her head again.

 

“she’s not _suddenly_ gay, she’s…god, i don’t know how to explain this…” toni trails off, trying her best to think of how she can explain this to archie in a way he’ll understand-

 

his father…his father’s mentioned that he loves football…

 

“i…okay, just…okay, what if…what if your whole life you were told you _had_ to be the linebacker when you know, deep down in your heart, that you were _born_ to be the quarterback? you have all the talents for it, all the training...absolutely everything points to _you_ being the quarterback, but everyone around you…your coach, your dad, your teammates, your friends, your girlfriend, _everyone_ tells you that…that no, you _need_ to be the linebacker. fall in line, do what you’re told, follow the rules…what would you do, how would you _feel_ in that situation?” toni asks softly. 

 

archie frowns, his shoulders relaxing only a little as he thinks it through before he scoffs and shakes his head.

 

“what the hell are you talking about-.”

 

“i’m trying to help you _see_ , archie. just think…what would you do?” toni whispers. archie looks at her in confusion for a few moments, blinks a couple of times before he licks his lips and shrugs.

 

“i’d be the linebacker, i guess. if everyone’s telling me to do it, they clearly know what’s best, i’d just have to grit my teeth and put up with it, i’d…oh…” archie’s eyes widen, his shoulders slumping almost in defeat as he looks at toni in surprise, coming to terms with what he's just said. toni tries not to look smug, simply smiles sadly at him and sinks back into the couch with a firm nod.

 

“her whole life, people have been telling cheryl that she’s straight by default. fall in line, obey the rules, do what you’re told…and she’s listened. why do you think she was so depressed at the idea of you two getting married? it wasn’t because she doesn’t love you, archie, and it wasn’t because she didn’t want to marry you…it’s because doing so would deny a part of herself that’s always _been there._ a part of herself that she’s never been able to embrace…marrying you would be the final nail in that coffin, how would you feel going through life knowing you were _born_ to be the quarterback, but you followed the rules and did what everyone else told you to do? became what everyone else _wanted_ you to be? could you live with that kind of hurt in your heart?” toni pleads, trying to get through to him, to help him see where cheryl’s coming from, because she’s felt this before herself.

 

when she was first coming to terms with her attraction to women, her uncle’s aversion to it all hadn’t helped her in trying to embrace it. she’d spent _years_ trying to force it down after he caught her with her girlfriend at the time, trying to be what he wanted her to be so she wouldn’t have to face his wrath, and it _killed_ her. that part of her that found the curves of a woman’s body much more attractive than the bulging biceps of a man, the part of her that found the contoured back and full chest of a woman far more desirable than abs or pecks…that part of herself that was so strong, that took up so much of her, having to deny that…

 

the freedom, the liberation she felt when she accepted it for what it was…god, she just wanted cheryl to get there, and now that she has, it’s ruined her whole _life_ , but toni can fix this, she knows she can. she just needs archie to understand, needs him to-

 

“no…no, i don’t think i could live with myself if i denied that part of myself.” archie whispers. toni feels her heart _soar_ , and she nods and leans forward, watching as archie blinks back his tears before he lets out a shaky sigh, his eyes darting to the door down the hallway that cheryl’s behind right now.

 

“why…why didn’t she just _tell me?_ was…was she scared i’d _hate_ her? because i don’t hate the fact that she’s gay, toni, i’m…i’m fucking _confused_ by it, but i don’t hate her for it! i hate…i _hate_ what she’s done, i _hate_ that she _cheated_ on me instead of just _talking_ to me about it! why…why would she do that? that's not who cheryl is, that's...that's not the cheryl i know...” archie says hoarsely, voice cracking with emotion as his bottom lip trembles, and god, the sight breaks toni’s heart, but she pushes through it and tries to think of something to say-

 

“if someone gave you the opportunity to be the quarterback, to live your truth, but you _knew_ if the people you loved found out, they’d probably kill you for it, would you tell them or keep it a secret?” toni says, watching as archie blinks a few times before he lets out a sigh of frustration and shakes his head.

 

“toni, come on, this is completely different from football! this is…wait, what do you mean ‘kill you for it’? does…does she think _i’d_ kill her-.”

 

“no! no, of course not, it’s…archie, it’s…i…” toni trails off, hesitation pounding through her to say what she wants to say, because if she tells archie…god, if she tells him, it’s not only breaking cheryl’s trust, it’s also breaking the doctor/patient confidentiality. she’s already at risk of losing her job because of all of this, for her to tell him…

 

“what? just tell me, please, toni, i’m…i’m trying so fucking _hard_ to see this from her point of view, but all i can think about is the fact that she slept with someone else-.”

 

“hey, whoa, wait…archie, cheryl and i haven’t slept together.” toni says quickly, looking at him in surprise and watching as he frowns before he lets out a shaky sigh.

 

“i…she said you two kissed-.”

 

“and that’s it! i swear, archie, it was just one kiss, she…she pulled away as soon as she realized what she was doing. she didn’t want to hurt you more than she already had, and neither did i.” toni says softly, watching carefully as archie’s shoulders relax again and his hands unclench from his biceps slowly, a sigh of relief slowly escaping him as her words sink in.

 

“well…well, i guess that’s a little bit relieving, but she still kissed you-.”

 

“i know…i know, and if we could take it back, we _would._ but we just…we got caught up in the moment-.” toni starts, but archie raises his hand to silence her with a shake of his head.

 

“when? when did this happen, when did you two…” he trails off, swallowing thickly as toni licks her lips and answers.

 

“in riverdale, when she came down for the weekend and i was taking time off. the day of the storm.” toni says slowly. archie’s eyes flutter closed, a deep breath escaping him before he opens them and looks at her sternly.

 

"she slept with me that night. for the first time in _months._ so how can she be gay if she initiated sex with me?" he says, this hope in his eyes that toni feels nothing but guilt over, knowing she's going to have to squash it out. the idea of having to do this to archie, to constantly deny him hope that cheryl will somehow take him back...it hurts to do it, but she knows she _has_ to.

 

_for cheryl..._

 

"when...when she spoke to me about it, she told me she did it to make sure, because she didn't want to hurt you without being absolutely _sure._ and...i'm sorry, arch, but she told me when you two slept together, she felt nothing. it's why...it's why she decided to tell you. she couldn't keep hurting you anymore." archie blinks once, and toni's heart squeezes at the sight of tears in his eyes, ones he quickly sniffs away before he clenches his jaw to stop any more from forming.

 

“so...so she just kissed you, and had sex with me in an attempt to what, _feel_ something? and you're telling me you two have only kissed? nothing else happened?” he asks, that anger returning that has toni’s heart racing as she quickly shakes her head to deny his accusations.

 

“no, archie, nothing else happened, i _swear_ to you, nothing did. but…ever since we met, there was something there that neither of us could explain, and it was charged…tension that neither of us could really resist, and it was building for weeks and weeks and it scared her-.”

 

“wait, she said she met you before riverdale…before that dinner with jughead and betty and the meeting at the house. she said you’re her therapist.” archie interrupts. toni blanches, her fingers twisting nervously as she hesitates before she nods slowly.

 

oh...she didn't realize cheryl had divulged that little nugget of truth to him...

 

“i am, or well…i _was._ as we got closer, i realized i wasn’t seeing cheryl as my patient anymore, and i transferred her to another therapist. i couldn’t keep seeing her, knowing that i was…that i had developed feelings for her.” she says thickly, blinking to keep her tears at bay. archie stares at her blankly, as if he’s contemplating what to say next before-

 

“i could report you.” he says lowly. toni’s heart clenches, and she bows her heart and simply nods, already succumbing to the defeat surging through her, because she knew…she knew the second this all started that she was going to lose her job…

 

if he reports her, he reports her. just as long as cheryl doesn't get caught up in all of it...

 

“you could…but i’m hoping you won’t.” she says calmly despite the tears welling in her eyes again. it’s quiet for a few moments, the sound of archie’s heavy breathing the only thing echoing out before he shifts, the squeak of the leather from the movement interrupting the sound of his breathing.

 

“tell me…tell me why she was so scared to say anything.” he croaks out. toni looks up at him, sees him looking at her almost pleadingly as she lets out a shaky breath and purses her lips.

 

“her parents…archie, they’re not good people. i know they must put up this façade with you that they’re loving, caring parents, but they aren’t. they’ve…god, i shouldn’t be telling you this, she told me this in confidence-.”

 

“i won’t say anything! please, toni, i just…help me understand, please.” archie begs, leaning in closer to her, and toni stares at him in hesitation before she bows her head and nods slowly.

 

he won’t understand otherwise…god, she just hopes cheryl can forgive her for this…

 

“her parents hit her, archie. ever since she was a child, they’ve beat her black and blue for any little thing she did wrong. and when you two started dating, they finally saw something in her to make them stop… _you._ you’re everything they want in a son in law, and if cheryl ever left you, they’d crucify her. she’s terrified of them…so much so that she struggled to tell me about it in one of our sessions.” toni says slowly, watching carefully and ignoring the pain in her heart at her words as archie blinks in surprise.

 

she can practically see the disbelief coursing through him, followed by the denial, then followed quickly by anger before acceptance kicks in, the man before taking several moments to process her words, and toni can _see_ the cogs turning in his mind as he licks his lips and swallows thickly.

 

“i…fuck, toni, are you sure?”

 

“positive. the way she spoke about it…there’s no way she was lying, archie.” toni says hoarsely. she feels horrible for exposing all of cheryl’s emotions right now, but she needs archie to understand, and she knows cheryl won’t be able to articulate everything properly…she’s struggled so much in the past during their sessions-

 

“so…what, she only stayed with me to make _them_ happy? to make sure they didn’t hurt her?” archie asks with heartbreak clear as day in his eyes. toni feels terrible for the revelations slowly beginning to form in archie's mind, but she pushes forward, knows what he needs right now is for someone to just tell him the fucking _truth._

 

“partly…but also because she _does_ love you, and because she was scared of losing them…and jason…and most of all, _you._ ” toni says softly. archie sinks back into his chair in defeat, letting out a deep sigh as a tear leaks from the corner of his eye.

 

“god, i…i didn’t know, does…does _jason_ know?”

 

“cheryl told me he doesn’t…says they used to beat her when he wasn’t home so he wouldn’t find out…” toni says in a low voice, the guilt gripping her that cheryl isn’t the one telling archie all of this herself, but cheryl's barely coherent right now, and toni has no idea if she's even capable of talking about any of this with the heartbreak she's currently feeling.

 

she'll do whatever she can to try and make this easier for her.

 

“i’ve seen the way they look at her sometimes…god, how could i be so stupid?” he breathes. toni frowns at that, looks at him in surprise before she clears her throat and asks the question on the tip of her tongue.

 

“what do you mean? how do they look at her?” archie clenches his jaw, the distrust still in his eyes as he looks at her before he shifts in his seat.

 

“i don’t know, her…her father sometimes looked at her like he was angry at her for simply existing. he’d get this look in his eyes, and i used to think that maybe he was just thinking of something at work that pissed him off, because it seemed so impossible that he’d hate his own daughter, but…but now that i think about it, cheryl used to always look so _scared_ when he’d look at her like that…and her mother wasn’t any better, almost these biting remarks, about her weight, about a single hair being out of place…fuck, i’m so _stupid_ how didn’t i see it?" archie growls, running his fingers through his hair in frustration as toni processes his words in surprise.

 

so there's been times...times where they've showcased their anger towards her...god, if toni ever meets them-

 

_you'd probably analyze the shit out of them, toni, don't even lie._

 

toni rubs her eyes tiredly and forces herself to focus as she smiles and shakes her head at archie slowly.

 

“you’re not stupid, archie. they’re horrible people who’ve spent cheryl’s whole life repressing her and making her feel worthless. you were her saving grace from all of that. but i don’t want you to think she doesn’t love you, that she only saw you as a way out of her parents hurting her because that’s not the case. she does care about you and she does love you, it’s just-.”

 

“not in that way.” archie finishes for her, a sad smile taking over his face as toni bites down on her bottom lip and blinks back her tears.

 

_it shouldn’t have happened this way…_

 

“i’m sorry, archie…i’m so sorry for how all of this has gone down. you’re an amazing guy, and you didn’t deserve any of this. but cheryl…she’s been repressing this for so many years, the idea of her having to keep that part of herself secret…i could see it was killing her slowly. and the happiness she's shown in the last few weeks since we started to discuss her sexuality…she really needed someone to tell her that the way she felt was valid, that the way she felt wasn't something bad. it just...it just ended up being _me_ who was that person, and i’m just so _sorry_ that it happened like this…” toni croaks out, the tears falling before she can stop them as she sniffs once and wipes them away quickly, but archie sees them regardless, watches her, observes her for a few moments before he sighs.

 

“how do…how do you understand her better than i do after only knowing her for a few weeks than i ever have for eight years?” archie whispers. toni inhales sharply, her heart wrenching, her whole body wanting nothing more than to jump up from this couch and go to cheryl right now even though she’s fast asleep, unaware of what’s happening in here…

 

“i don’t know, archie…the connection we have, i can’t explain it. i wish i could but i can’t. it’s nothing i’ve ever felt before.” toni whispers back. archie stares at her, this blank look on his face that toni can’t quite understand before he lets out a shaky sigh.

 

“you’re falling for her, aren’t you?” he says firmly. toni’s heart stops, her whole body trembling as his words reverberate in her mind over and over again.

 

and the answer is falling from her lips before she can stop it.

 

“yes.” she breathes, knowing that simple answer to be true as soon as it leaves her mouth. she looks back at the door cheryl’s behind, finds herself longing to reunite with her, to feel her soft red hair between her fingers, her heated skin beneath her lips, her body against her own, like puzzle pieces slotting together, god, that’s how it _feels_ every time she just _touches_ cheryl-

 

“do you think she’s falling for you, too?” archie asks in a shaky voice. toni smiles despite herself, lets out a soft laugh before she can stop it as she turns to look at him sadly.

 

“i don’t know. i can’t speak for her. maybe she is, maybe she isn’t…maybe i’m just some gateway to her discovering who she is, and i’m okay with that. all i know is i’ve never cared about someone the way i care about her.” toni says hoarsely, her throat closing as each word leaves her, tears once again falling as archie completely and utterly stares at her in defeat.

 

it’s over…it’s clicking for him, now…

 

“is…is there anything i can do to fix this? anything…anything i can do to-.” archie cuts himself off, an almost desperate whine escaping him as toni bites down on her trembling bottom lip and shakes her head.

 

“you can’t change who she is, archie. and i’m so sorry that you’re hurting right now, but she is, too. i don’t know if there’s a chance you can both move past this, but you're best friends, and she does love you, maybe not…maybe not in the same way you love her, but it’s still love.” toni says, watching as archie nods slowly and chews on the inside of his cheek to stop himself from crying.

 

it’s quiet for a few moments, the both of them stewing in silence before he looks up at her with a shaky sigh.

 

“i’m…i’m still so mad, toni. at you, at her, at…fuck, at _everything_. she still cheated on me, when she could’ve just _told_ me. i…i don’t know what to do…” he trails off, rubbing his eyes with the palm of his hands, and toni contemplates reaching out to touch him, but thinks better of it, curls her fist against her thigh and simply nods in agreement.

 

“i know…but if there’s anything i’ve learned since becoming a therapist, it’s that conversation can do wonders towards healing.” toni says with a smile. archie licks his lips, looks around the apartment in despair before he suddenly stands and moves towards the tv. toni watches as he reaches for a photo frame, and her heart sinks when she sees it’s a photo of cheryl and archie, her lips pressed against his cheek and the biggest smile on his face…

 

“i still want her to be part of my life.” he whispers, touching the photo with a shaky hand, trembling fingers brushing over cheryl’s face as toni tries desperately to stop herself from falling apart.

 

“i know you do. and i know she wants you to be part of hers.” toni says softly. archie nods again, sniffling once with his back turned to toni so she can’t see his face. his shoulders seems to relax though, the tension leaving as he comes to some kind of resolution, his head turning to stare at the door to their bedroom. 

 

and as much as toni wishes _she_ could be the one to walk into that room and comfort cheryl, she knows right now, she has no right to do so.

 

this is about cheryl and archie…

 

“go to her, archie, talk to her…try to figure her out, and let her see where you’re coming from…come to an understanding. maybe you can still salvage your friendship. i know she’s your best friend, just as much as you’re hers.” toni says with an encouraging smile despite the heartbreak in her heart. 

 

archie doesn’t say a word, simply places the photo down on the dresser next to the tv once more and makes his way towards their bedroom door, the tension returning in his shoulders once more before he lets out a shaky sigh and slowly opens the door.

 

he closes it behind him, leaving it only slightly ajar, and it’s quiet for a few moments, toni’s heart racing wildly before she hears archie’s voice.

 

“cheryl?” he calls, his voice slightly muffled from the distance, and toni finds herself standing subconsciously, making her way over to the door before she can stop herself-

 

_stop it, toni, just leave, this has nothing to do with you-_

 

“a-archie?” cheryl croaks out, her voice trembling with emotion, and toni peeks through the door just in time to see cheryl’s face screw up in pain before she’s throwing her arms around archie with a loud sob, holding him close and crying loudly as archie rubs her back soothingly with his own tears falling down his cheeks. 

 

she’s seen enough.

 

she’s _done_ enough.

 

she destroyed them…she did this to them, all because she couldn’t keep her emotions in check, because she couldn’t put her feelings aside…

 

toni turns on her heel and makes her way towards the front door with her hands stuffed into the pockets of her jacket and tears flowing down her cheeks as she comes to a heartbreaking conclusion.

 

that what’s best for cheryl is if she stays the hell away from her. because she ruined cheryl’s life, ruined her relationship with her best friend and broke the one rule she had from day one when she got her degree:

 

never fall in love with a patient.

 

\--------------------

 

she grips him tight, refuses to let him go, fingers squeezing every inch of the skin of his arms as archie rubs her back and sighs against her almost in exhaustion.

 

she can’t believe he’s here, how…how did he even get here? 

 

_what does it matter, he’s here…he’s here, thank god-_

 

“a-archie, i’m s-sorry-.”

 

“shh…i don’t want your apology, cheryl. i just want an explanation, that’s all…i’m not gonna throw away eight years between us just like that, not when you’re…god, not when you’re so confused. let me help you, please?” he whispers, pulling back slowly and cradling her face in his hands gently to look into her eyes.

 

cheryl hiccups, her chest heaving as she purses her lips and nods once. she knows she looks like a complete mess right now, but the way archie’s looking at her…

 

it’s like he thinks she’s the most beautiful thing in the world, and cheryl’s heart squeezes with guilt as she finds herself choking on a sob and collapsing into his arms once more.

 

“i…i d-don’t know-.”

 

“start from the beginning…you said that you slept with a girl in college when we broke up? is that…is that when you started to question everything?” archie asks slowly, his chin resting on the back of cheryl’s head as she nods against his chest with another broken cry.

 

“y-yes…i…a-archie, i’m s-sorry-.”

 

“did you ever enjoy sex with me, cheryl? was that ever anything you liked?” he asks hoarsely. cheryl cries harder, holds him closer, unable to bring herself to confirm his suspicions, but she knows if she doesn’t tell him the truth, she’s going to give him false hope, and she can’t _keep hurting him._

 

she has to end this, as much as it fucking hurts-

 

“i…n-no…n-no, i d-didn’t, i’m so s-sorry, archie-.” she feels archie tense up against her, this sharp inhale of breath sounding out as his grip on her tightens only the slightest bit in surprise.

 

“god, no wonder you never wanted to have sex…why didn’t i see it, i’m so dumb…” archie croaks out. cheryl shakes her head wildly and pushes herself up to look at him, trying her best to breathe, but all she can do is take in these shuddering gasps as she looks at him in despair.

 

“n-no! you’re n-not d-dumb, archie, i sh-should’ve t-told you-.”

 

“no, i…toni explained everything. she told me about your parents, and i…god, i’m so sorry, cheryl, i’m so sorry i never saw it-.”

 

“wait, what?” cheryl asks in confusion, looking at him with a frown and a sniffle as archie hesitates before he sighs and takes her hands into his own, squeezing them reassuringly with a sad smile.

 

“i just spoke with toni, she was here when i came in…she told me everything, cheryl. about your parents…i’m sorry, cheryl, i’m so sorry for never seeing it…” archie says hoarsely, his jaw clenching and his eyes turning hard for just a moment as cheryl tries to process what he’s just said.

 

toni told him about her parents? why…why would she do that? now archie knows, now-

 

_it’s not a bad thing, cheryl. you’ve kept it secret for so fucking long, and archie deserves to know…_

 

but now he knows about everything, this…this isn’t good, oh god, why would toni do that-

 

_because she cares about you, and she cares about archie..._

 

“i…you weren’t supposed to know.” she whispers finally, fear gripping her before archie suddenly rubs her back consolingly and shakes his head.

 

“ _you_ should’ve told me, cheryl. not just about your parents, but about _everything._ i’m here for you, i have been from day one, honey. i just…you could’ve told me.” he finishes lamely, shoulders slumping in defeat as cheryl bites back a whimper and tries to control her trembling bottom lip. 

 

“i didn’t know, i…i kept it s-so far d-down, i d-didn’t want to acknowledge it b-because i was s-so _scared_ , archie-.”

 

“i know…i know, of course you were…but i just need you to see it from my perspective, i…fuck, _i love you, cheryl._ do you know how hard it is to hear that the woman you love doesn’t love you back?” archie croaks out hoarsely, tears welling in his eyes that quickly fall down his cheeks as cheryl watches in despair.

 

she broke him, this is all her fault, why is she so fucking selfish...

 

“i’m…i’m _sorry,_ archie. i c-can’t apologize enough, i didn’t kn-know, and i d-didn’t meant for it to happen th-this way-.” she’s breaking down again, her words barely coherent as archie sighs before he pulls her into his embrace once more, the smell of his cologne causing cheryl to cry harder. 

 

"shh..." archie whispers, running his fingers through her hair softly.

 

it’s quiet for a long time, the both of them wrapped in each other’s arms before archie sniffs and pulls back to look at her with a sad smile.

 

“cheryl, despite…despite _everything_ , despite how sad and heartbroken i feel right now, i’m _here for you._ you’re still my best friend, and you always will be, okay?” he says softly, brushing away her tears with the pads of his thumbs gently. 

 

his words don’t inspire an inch of happiness in her. all it does is make her feel _more_ guilty…

 

“i d-don’t d-deserve you.” she whimpers, shaking her head with a choked out sob before archie sighs and suddenly leans in, his lips pressing a gentle kiss to her brow. cheryl’s eyes close at his touch, another whine escaping her as archie rubs her back again, just the way she always likes, with the tips of his fingers scratching over her skin just a little bit...

 

_god, it’s over…it’s all over…_

 

eight years of information they have about each other...that archie is ticklish around his ribs, or that he hates eating salted popcorn, or that he always prefers to keep a bit of stubble, but he'd never, _ever_ grow a beard...or how cheryl hates bananas but is somehow able to enjoy a banana smoothie, or that she's terrified of dolphins but somehow finds sharks adorable...all this information is now useless to them both.

 

but it’s for the best, cheryl _knows_ that. it just hurts to acknowledge it…

 

“you’re a good person, cheryl. i don’t blame you for repressing everything so much if your parents...god, i can't believe they ever hurt you and i wasn't even aware of it-." archie says hoarsely. cheryl shakes her head and looks up at him in despair.

 

"i never told anyone. and you can't say anything either, archie...please? just for now?" cheryl begs, watching in slight panic as archie frowns before he purses his lips and simply nods slowly.

 

"okay...i won't say anything just yet, but you do need to tell someone, cheryl." he says firmly. cheryl simply smiles at him sheepishly.

 

"i did. i told toni." she says firmly. archie sighs, this look in his eyes taking over as he clenches his jaw and lets out a soft scoff.

 

"right...toni...every time i think about her, i remember that you cheated on me with her-.” cheryl whines, clutching him closer desperately, her heart aching as he continues rubbing his hand up and down her back and arm soothingly.

 

“shh…god, why, cheryl, why didn’t you just tell me-.”

 

“i w-wanted to, and i…the k-kiss with t-toni, it happened out of nowhere, i j-just…i like her, archie, i like her so much and i w-wish i d-didn’t, but i c-can’t help how i f-feel-.”

 

“shh…i know, i know, shh...” archie whispers, shaking his head against her slowly. it’s quiet again, the both of them crying against each other in anguish over the last eight years falling apart right before them.

 

cheryl knows she needs to explain it to him, she _needs_ to, but she doesn’t even know how to begin, what does she even say? 

 

“i don’t know how i’m supposed to move on.” archie whimpers, his whole body shaking against cheryl’s. her heart breaks, her whole body trembling as well as she looks up at him with a sad smile.

 

“neither do i. this…this is uncharted territory for me.” she says with a shaky laugh. archie smiles sadly, brushes her tears away once again before he sighs and purses his lips. 

 

"you're sure?" he croaks out, one last ditch effort to try and salvage their relationship, and cheryl could lie to him right now...could fix all of this and tell him it was a mistake and she's an idiot...

 

but instead she smiles sadly and nods once.

 

"i'm sure...and you deserve someone who's going to give you the love you deserve, archie andrews. as much as i wish i could be that person...i'm just not." cheryl whispers. archie smiles, the acceptance finally shining in his eyes as he lets out a shaky breath and lets his tears fall.

 

cheryl stares at him, reaches a hand up to brush away his tears before she leans in to press a gentle kiss to his cheek lovingly.

 

"i love you, archie. i really do...i wish things were different. but you're my best friend, and you always will be." she whispers. archie lets out a soft chuckle, pulls back to look at her before he kisses her cheek just the same, smiling down at her sadly as he pulls back again.

 

"friendzoned by my own fiance. damn..." he whispers. cheryl hiccups a laugh, punches his arm lightly as archie sniffs once and wipes away her tears again.

 

“cheryl, i...i wanna know everything. let’s just…start from the beginning, alright? explain everything, as best as you can, and i’ll do the same. let’s try to at least fix our friendship, okay?” archie whispers. cheryl nods desperately, clutches his shirt and sniffs back her tears as she does.

 

“yes! y-yes, p-please, archie, i…s-still want you in my life-.”

 

“and i want you in mine. so deep breathe…start from the beginning.” he says firmly, giving her an encouraging nod. 

 

and cheryl squares her shoulders and looks to him, drawing in every ounce of bravery and courage she has before she lets out a shaky sigh.

 

“do i start from my childhood, or from college?” 

 

“from your childhood. i wanna know _everything._ ” archie says softly, rubbing her arms soothingly once more. 

 

“okay…then let’s start from there.”


	10. you're making it harder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi here's another chapter! i have no idea when the next one will come out fam, i'm still in a lot of pain, i'm just kinda like, constantly high on pain meds right now, so i don't even know if these chapters are making sense but my ride or die miss cheryltonis (@choniblopaz1 on twitter), tells me they do, so if they don't, blame her, heh!
> 
> you know the drill, leave a comment yelling at me because this chapter is angsty, or you can do it on twitter at @endofdaysforme.
> 
> till next time!

things get better.

 

somehow, magically…they get better.

 

cheryl still doesn’t know how it happened, still can’t wrap her mind around the fact that she and archie are actually where they are right now. it’s been two weeks since everything fell apart, two weeks of archie and cheryl working through their issues, talking about their problems individually, and now…now they’ve come to this.

 

this amazing, beautiful place where archie understands. this amazing, beautiful place where archie, with all the selflessness inside him, continues to support her, continues to be there for her.

 

of course, there’s still distrust there, still anger and sadness over what’s happened, and cheryl doesn’t blame him. she doesn’t think she can ever blame him for being upset about the fact that she cheated on him. but he expressed his happiness that it never went further than a kiss, and that cheryl confessed almost as soon as it happened. but despite that, even now, cheryl continues to apologize for it.

 

she’s quite sure she’ll never stop apologizing for it…not for the kiss itself, but for the fact that she did it while still engaged to him. she’s explained to him that she can’t find it in her to regret the kiss, and even though archie had been angry at her confessing so, once cheryl had explained it to him, archie had come around to understanding.

 

she couldn’t regret the kiss, couldn’t bring it in her to feel guilt for it when it had opened her eyes to _so much,_ but the remorse rested more in the fact that she had broken archie’s heart in doing so. once that had been explained, archie had slowly come around, though the anger, of course, was still there…

 

but regardless, she’s got her best friend back. and cheryl’s quite sure she’s never been happier.

 

of course, handing him back the engagement ring that’s been on her finger for so long was rough, but archie had taken it with a shaky smile and tears in his eyes before he’d told her something that had had her breaking down in tears against him.

 

“i’m proud of you, cheryl…for having the strength to come out.” he had whispered. they’d spent the entire afternoon after that crying in each other’s arms, coming to terms with the fact that their relationship was over, to the point where cheryl had run out of tears to cry, and archie had gotten stiff muscles from hugging her so tightly for so long.

 

no one had ever told her that before, that they were proud of her. well, apart from toni…

 

toni.

 

therein lies, despite all her happiness, cheryl’s biggest problem right now.

 

she has no idea where toni is. she hasn’t been answering her phone. for the last two weeks, cheryl’s been attempting to call her, but toni hasn’t been answering, and cheryl’s beyond worried. she doesn’t understand why toni has suddenly gone missing in action, why toni hasn’t responded to her texts or answered her calls. 

 

even archie had attempted to call her, something that still baffles cheryl, and she had texted jughead and betty to ask if they’d heard from her, but: nothing. the only thing they’ve heard about her is from fred, who called archie a couple of days after they’d last seen her to tell them that toni had called him to tell him she was going away for a while and that she wanted construction on the vacation home halted until she returned. fred had no choice but to agree: they couldn’t exactly continue without the owner’s approval. it’s a good thing, but also a bad thing: it gave archie and cheryl time to talk through things and heal, both their relationship and individually, but it also left cheryl even more worried than before. toni’s been so excited about the vacation home, her eyes shining with excitement when they’d discussed it that day at the café, and now…now she’s all but abandoned it.

 

toni could be dead for all she knows, and the thought itself causes her so much anxiety every time she thinks about it, it takes archie’s reassurance that toni was probably just taking some time to wrap her mind around things to calm her down. 

 

they’re sitting now in their apartment, cheryl waiting for a reply from josie on whether or not she’s heard from toni while archie watches the game with a consistent frown of worry on his face.

 

“anything yet?” he asks, eyes not drawing away from the tv as cheryl sighs and collapses down onto the couch beside him.

 

“nothing.” she croaks out. archie scratches at his brow, clenches his jaw and simply nods once.

 

“she’ll answer eventually, cheryl. like i said, she’s probably just taking time to get her head around what’s happened. i know i’m sure as hell still trying to understand it.” he scoffs, fiddling with the remote in his hands as cheryl licks her lips and looks at him with hesitation.

 

“archie…”

 

“no, no, it’s…it’s fine, i’m not mad anymore, cheryl, you know that. i’m just still struggling a little to come to terms with the fact that my ex fiancé is gay.” he says with a sigh. cheryl licks her lips, and archie looks to her with a weak smile before he reaches out and grips her hand.

 

“hey, come on…we’ve spent these last two weeks focusing on repairing our relationship, and as much as it kind of hurts to see you pining over another person, i kinda get why you are. toni is…something.” archie says with a chuckle, shaking his head in disbelief as cheryl smiles sadly. she’s about to reply when her phone buzzes, and she looks down at it immediately, heart racing as she reads josie’s message.

 

**josie mccoy [18:21]**   
_hey girl! i messaged her this morning, still haven’t gotten a reply back. is everything okay?_

 

cheryl tries to ignore the way her heart sinks as she swallows the lump in her throat and simply taps out a quick reply.

 

**you [18:22]**   
_it’s a long story…thanks anyway, josie. xo_

 

god, she’s not replying to _anyone._ cheryl had asked archie to ask his father if he could try calling her, but she hasn’t been answering fred’s calls either-

 

“nothing?” archie asks.

 

“nothing…god, where is she? i…i just wanna know that she’s okay.” cheryl says hoarsely, looking up at archie and trying her best to blink back her tears. archie simply sighs and reaches out to rub her arm sympathetically.

 

“she expressed a lot of guilt over what happened when we spoke…about the kiss, about everything. she didn’t want to tell me about your parents, either, which, by the way, we still need to deal with. i’m not exactly happy about the fact that they’ve been hurting you your whole life and i knew nothing about it…if i see your dad again-.”

 

“you’ll contain your anger and stop yourself from punching his lights out. he’s got lawyers up to his ears that could sue you for even touching a hair on his head, archie. i won’t risk that happening to you.” cheryl says firmly. it’s something he’s mentioned a lot over the last two weeks, and cheryl won’t hear a bar of it.

 

her father is a powerful man, and she knows he could destroy archie with a quick snap of his fingers. the thought of him hurting anyone she cares about is one of many reasons why she hasn’t said anything to anyone for so long, and god, the idea of him finding out about her and toni…he could destroy her too, crush her under his boot with barely any force and it _terrifies_ her…

 

“you know, she might be in riverdale.” archie says suddenly with a frown. cheryl snaps out of her thoughts, sighs and sinks back into the couch with a shake of her head.

 

“i asked betty and jughead, and he went around to her trailer…he said there was no sign of her, and that he knocked for ages...” cheryl whispers. archie shrugs as he reaches for the bowl of popcorn sitting on top of the table, eyes once again fixed on the tv screen.

 

“maybe she just didn’t answer. i know i didn’t that week i spent at chris’s. i locked myself in his spare bedroom and didn’t come out for days.” he says simply. cheryl’s heart aches with guilt, tears welling in her eyes as she turns to look at archie, who smiles sadly back at her.

 

“arch…i’m so sorry-.”

 

“cheryl, you’ve apologized enough-.”

 

“no…i really haven’t. i don’t think i can ever apologize enough for what i did. it was so wrong of me, not to talk about all of this with you-.” archie cuts her off by reaching out to grip her hand, an almost exasperated sigh escaping him as he looks to her with a slightly amused smile.

 

“cheryl, we’ve been over this a hundred times. you didn’t even know, you were repressing it for _years,_ and with the parents you have, i don’t blame you. the whole kissing another woman thing kinda sucked, but-.” cheryl lets out a whine, a tear falling as she bows her head, but archie quickly tucks a finger under her chin to lift her gaze.

 

“hey…cheryl, i just want you to be _happy._ and the truth of the matter is, you weren’t happy with me. but with toni…” he trails off, this sadness heavy in his eyes as he chews on the side of his cheek, something cheryl knows he does to stop himself from crying before he lets out a shaky breath and smiles.

 

“with toni, you’re _happier than i’ve ever seen you._ you may have been drunk, but the way you held onto her when she was putting you to bed that night…you’ve never done that with me. you’re happy with her, and she cares about you…” archie says slowly, almost like he’s coming to a conclusion in his mind, one that has him letting out another deep breath before he purses his lips and nods, looking up at her with determination shining in his eyes.

 

“go to riverdale. it’s the weekend, you haven’t got work, and if your parents call, i’ll…contain my anger and tell them you’re with josie having a girls weekend or something so they don’t know you’re in town. just go, see if you can find her, and if you do…try and fix things with her. whatever’s going on in her mind…try and understand it, like we came to an understanding with each other.” archie says firmly. cheryl licks her lips, hesitation pounding through her.

 

this is exactly the same situation as last time. toni probably just wants some space, from cheryl, from work, from everything, and yet, cheryl can’t help but worry that maybe this time, it’s permanent.

 

and the thought of never seeing toni again fills her with so much anxiety and despair, she finds herself exhaling shakily before she nods once.

 

“okay…okay, y-yeah, maybe i can bring her back here and the three of us can just…talk it all out. maybe that’s what’s best.” she whispers. maybe they can try and sort things out, the three of them together…maybe archie can get a better understanding of where toni is coming from…maybe cheryl can find out why she’s been so silent for the last two weeks…

 

archie clenches his jaw, but nods once, some residual anger at toni clearly still resting inside him, but cheryl knows he can put it aside to try and fix things between the three of them, she knows he can.

 

“i won’t tell my dad you’re going…he’ll want you to stay with him and he still doesn’t know about us breaking up…” archie murmurs. cheryl bows her head in guilt, her stomach twisting and turning at just the mere thought of fred andrews’s face when he finds out they’re no longer together…

 

they haven’t told anyone yet. they wanted to heal first before saying anything, and cheryl’s fucking _terrified_ to tell her parents, but she knows with archie by her side, he’ll protect her. 

 

she doesn’t have to live in fear anymore. she has archie, and she has…

 

well, she _thought_ she had toni…

 

god, what if she’s hurt? what if something’s wrong, what if toni is passed out in a ditch somewhere, is bleeding and hurt, or what if-

 

she can’t wait. she can’t fucking _wait_ until tomorrow.

 

cheryl jumps up from the couch, runs her fingers through her hair and nods once.

 

“okay…i’ll pack a small bag, i don’t think i’ll stay long, maybe just a day or so-.”

 

“wait, you’re heading out now?” archie says in surprise, pushing himself up from the couch and pausing the game as he looks at cheryl in disbelief.

 

“yeah, when else should i go?” cheryl asks, nonplussed at his reaction. archie scoffs and shakes his head.

 

“i don’t know, maybe tomorrow morning or something? cheryl, the sun’s gone down, you can’t drive for three hours in the dark-.”

 

“i’ll be fine, archie. i passed my driving test before you, remember?” she says with a grin, leaning in to press a kiss to his cheek. archie rolls his eyes as she makes her way to their bedroom, follows her as she grabs the duffel bag in the corner and quickly shoves in a change of clothes and some of her essentials.

 

“i…okay fair, but still, cheryl, this can’t wait until tomorrow morn-.”

 

“no, archie. it really can’t.” cheryl whispers, looking up at him sadly. she can’t spend another day not knowing if toni is okay…she just can’t. 

 

archie sighs and crosses his arms over his chest as he leans against the doorway.

 

“cheryl, i know you’re worried about her-.”

 

“i am, archie. these past two weeks have been crazy enough, talking about my parents and my sexuality and trying to move forward for the both of us, and as _happy_ as i am that we’re in a stable place right now, i can’t sleep knowing she’s missing.” cheryl says anxiously, reaching for her perfume and shoving it into her bag as archie licks his lips and simply observes her.

 

she can’t stay here, wracking her brain and pacing nervously like she has been for the last two weeks wondering where toni is. now that she and archie are okay, she can focus her attention on toni, on finding out if she’s at least okay, god, please let her be okay…

 

less than ten minutes later, she’s zipping up her bag and hauling it over her shoulder before she makes her way over to him with a sad smile.

 

“you can stay here the night. i’ll be back tomorrow.” she tells him, gripping his hand in her own tightly. despite things being okay with them, archie still hadn’t come back to their apartment, and it’s been lonely, having the bed to herself, but cheryl completely understands why he won’t come back.

 

it’s harder to move on when there’s reminders of your ex everywhere in the home you’re living in…including your ex herself.

 

“yeah, i don’t know if i can sleep in that bed, cheryl. holds way too many memories. we need to talk about that too, by the way…what we’re gonna do with this place now that we’re…” archie trails off, sniffing once as cheryl bites back a whine and nods her head slowly.

 

“i know…i’m s-.” archie presses a finger to her lips with a chuckle before she can finish her apology.

 

“stop. just…go. find toni. i’ll probably just go to chris’s tonight again, but i’ll stick around and…i don’t know, order a pizza, eat my feelings and get fat or something.” he mumbles. cheryl rolls her eyes and punches his shoulder, and he inches away from her with a chuckle and a wince as he rubs it.

 

“ow! kidding…kind of.” 

 

\-----------------

 

the drive to riverdale feels so goddamn long, and cheryl had started to realize that maybe archie was right at about the two hour mark, her eyelids drooping heavily with fatigue as she lifts her cup of coffee to her lips and drains it dry.

 

she’s been fighting back sleep for the last hour, had stopped at a drive through coffee shop to grab their largest and strongest coffee possible before continuing her journey, because she’s determined to make it to riverdale tonight.

 

she’s not going to stop at some motel just because her eyes are feeling a little heavy. it’s not like she’ll be able to sleep much anyway, once it hits her that she still doesn’t know where toni is or if she’s okay. she’s so close now, just ten more minutes…she can make it.

 

she drains her coffee dry again, and the sound of her phone ringing through the speakers of her car causes her to jump slightly before she looks at the caller id with a sigh.

 

she presses the little green button on her dashboard almost immediately.

 

“yeah, arch?” she calls out, smiling as archie’s voice rings through.

 

“hey…i just wanted to make sure you’re okay. did you make it to riverdale?” he asks with a sigh as cheryl grips the steering wheel and suppresses a yawn.

 

“i’m about ten minutes away. i stopped for coffee, but i’ll be at toni’s soon. i’m fine, archie, i promise.” cheryl tells him simply, her nerves rising when she passes the ‘welcome to riverdale’ sign. she hears archie sigh again before he responds.

 

“alright…i’ll let you go then. let me know if you need anything.”

 

“i will. bye, arch.” cheryl presses the red button on the dashboard, her whole body tensing almost involuntarily as, instead of going the usual route and heading to the andrews’s home, she turns left and crosses the bridge over to the southside, her heart pounding erratically in her chest as she does.

 

god, what if toni really isn’t there at all? what if she’s just dropped off the face of the earth and cheryl never sees her again? she can’t…the last two weeks without her have been miserable, despite all her efforts to focus on fixing things with archie, now that she has, toni has been the only thing on her mind.

 

what is she thinking right now? why is she choosing to do this? to remain silent, to block cheryl out of her life? did cheryl do something wrong? or is really just the guilt of what’s happened that’s making her do this?

 

she’s about to get her answers, she hopes.

 

she enters sunnyside trailer park, her lights blinding through the dark brush of land in the middle of the woods as she drives her car past trailer after trailer, eyes scanning for any signs of pink hair at all around the park itself before she comes to a stop in front of the trailer with the windchimes and-

 

toni’s motorbike is parked right outside her trailer.

 

cheryl stops short, foot slamming onto the brakes and causing her body to jolt slightly, staring at the bike in front of her in awe, but also anger.

 

jughead told her he came by and toni wasn’t here, said there was no sign of her and she didn’t answer the door-

 

_she must’ve told him not to say anything, that little beanie wearing worm!_

 

she clenches her teeth and immediately turns the car off, practically ripping her seatbelt off and jumping out of the car as fast as she can.

 

oh, she’ll have words for jughead jones later, but for now-

 

“toni?!” cheryl runs as fast as her boots will carry her towards the trailer, climbing the few steps that lead to the front door before she reaches a fist out and immediately knocks it against the door, the complete opposite of the last time she was here, hesitant and nervous to do so…

 

now she’s simply desperate, pounding on it repeatedly until suddenly, it gives way.

 

she stares at the door in surprise, watches as it unlocks from the hinge and slowly pushes open with a creak. cheryl’s not sure if she was knocking so forcefully, she’s done this herself or if its just that the trailer itself is so old, but either way, she bites down on her bottom lip, hesitant to just walk inside and essentially let herself in.

 

but the smell of something familiar, but also so foreign immediately hits her senses as soon as the door opens a quarter of the way, and cheryl finds herself pushing her way inside with concern at the smell of it.

 

“toni?” she calls out again, searching around the small trailer and wrinkling her nose at the strong scent of _something_ that she can’t seem to put her finger on, the scent almost papering the walls. she sees a small hallway to the right of the living room, and she swallows the lump in her throat and makes her way down it slowly, eyes squinting in the dark for some sign of something-

 

“toni? are you in here?” cheryl call softly. she hears a dull thud coming from a room beyond a door just to her right a little ahead, followed by a groan, and she whimpers before she rushes forward, her hand closing over the doorknob as she pushes it open-

 

and comes face to face with tiled walls before her gaze drops down to find toni hunched over the toilet, dressed only in sweatpants and a loose shirt, her face screwed up in pain with tear marks tracking down her cheeks, pink hair a mess, her whole body trembling violently-

 

“oh god, toni…”

 

she’s here…she’s here, she’s safe, she’s not dead, oh god…the relief pounding through her right now is fucking euphoric, she can’t help the tiniest chuckle that escapes her, one filled with happiness that the girl in front of her hasn’t completely vanished off the face of the earth…

 

she’s here.

 

toni looks up at the sound of her voice in disbelief, eyes widening and teeth chattering as she lets out a whine before she shakes her head and grips the seat of the toilet so tightly, her knuckles turn white.

 

“i t-told jughead n-not to s-say anything.” she hisses through gritted teeth. cheryl swallows thickly, her body frozen to do anything but stand there and watch as toni groans loudly and rests her head against her forearm with a heavy pant.

 

“he didn’t say anything…but i came anyway.” cheryl says hoarsely. toni’s head lolls slightly where its resting on her forearm as she takes a quick peek at cheryl before she inhales sharply and forces her head back up. 

 

“wh-what are you d-doing h-here, ch-cheryl?” she manages to get out, her jaw clenched tight as she averts her gaze from cheryl completely. cheryl rushes over, crouches down and reaches out to touch her, but toni shies away from her touch with a whimper and another shake of her head.

 

cheryl tries to ignore the little cracks in her heart that form over toni’s rejection as she swallows down her tears and holds her head high.

 

this isn’t about her, it’s about toni. she’s not well…

 

“you haven’t taken any of my calls or text for weeks, toni, god…i thought you were dead.” cheryl croaks out anxiously. toni scoffs suddenly, her eyes almost dark as she swallows loudly and sniffs back more tears, but they fall regardless, her whole body shaking violently, god, what’s wrong with her…

 

“i should be.” she whispers. cheryl’s heart drops, those words sinking into her mind and causing her to bite back a whine of anguish.

 

what…what does she mean by that, she can’t possibly mean that, no…

 

“don’t say that.” she whispers back, the mere thought causing her more pain than she ever thought was possible. her heart clenches, her whole body tensing up as if it’s suffered some kind of trauma, and toni whimpers again, shakes her head before she’s suddenly stumbling back and falling against the tiled wall behind her, nostrils flaring as she tries to take a few deep breaths in.

 

“you shouldn’t be here.” she slurs, eyes slightly fluttering closed as she reaches for something beside the toilet with a grunt of exertion, cheryl’s eyes falling on the object and reading the label-

 

a bottle of whiskey. wild turkey…the strong stuff. and it’s almost completely empty.

 

cheryl thought she was sick, but she’s not. 

 

she’s fucking drunk.

 

that’s what she smelled when she came in here…

 

cheryl snatches it from her hand before she can raise it to her lips, sets it down on the ground once more and ignores toni’s whine of protest before she’s grabbing toni’s hand and standing with her teeth clenched and anger flooding through her.

 

so she’s been here getting drunk for the last two weeks while cheryl’s been wracked with guilt and anxiety over where she was and if she was okay?

 

“come on, you’re going to bed.” toni tries to tug her arm out of cheryl’s grip, but it’s useless. she can barely keep her eyes open, and cheryl manages to pull her up onto her feet, sighs as the girl sags against her before she grabs her arm and drapes it over her shoulders, the other wrapping around her waist to keep her steady.

 

“cher…cher, d-don’t b-be mad at me…” she mumbles, her shoulder lolling and almost smacking cheryl in the jaw, and fuck, just at those damn words, filled with so much sadness, voice cracking slightly with emotion, cheryl feels all her anger dissipate within seconds, a heavy sigh escaping her as she drags toni out of the bathroom.

 

why? just…why is she doing this, cheryl doesn’t understand…

 

“where’s your bedroom?” cheryl asks firmly. toni flops a hand up, pointing in the direction to the right of her before it falls uselessly to her side once more, and cheryl rolls her eyes before she drags her towards the door, kicking it open slightly and leading toni inside. 

 

the room is quite small, a bed and a dresser with a mirror hanging on the side on the wall the only things that give it character, and before cheryl can help her, toni sags forward out of her hold and practically collapses down on top of the bed with a grunt, prompting cheryl to sigh as she immediately rubs her arms to get some warmth in her body, the coldness of the room gripping her suddenly.

 

_oh, how the tables have turned…_

 

they clearly can’t talk about anything right now, toni is completely wasted, is barely coherent, and cheryl has no fucking idea why she’s so drunk, but she figures it’s a question that will have to wait for tomorrow…

 

as much as she wants to knock jughead’s block off, she doesn’t particularly feel like staying with betty and jughead at the moment…she’ll probably just get a hotel room for the night…

 

she hears toni’s soft snoring, and cheryl finds herself chuckling despite herself as she grabs the blanket at the foot of toni’s bed, draping it over her small body to keep her warm before she looks around the room in wonder.

 

the carpet beneath her boots is stained and worn, and there’s thin wallpaper plastered over the walls, one that’s purple with these odd swirls in a darker purple patterned throughout it. some of it is peeling in some parts, but cheryl’s more focused on what’s covering the wallpaper more than anything.

 

there’s photographs plastered all over the walls, photos of sweet water river, in both winter and spring…of pop’s diner, both at night and during the day, and photos of what looks like southside high. some of them are in black and white, some of them are colored, but all of them, cheryl knows, were taken by the girl currently passed out on top of the bed behind her.

 

well, all except one, it seems.

 

cheryl’s eyes land on a photo of toni with her back turned, and cheryl, with a queasy feeling in her stomach, notices the jacket she’s wearing.

 

a southside serpent one.

 

even though the photo is in black and white, cheryl can practically _see_ the forest green hues of the snake curled around the back of that black leather, the black lettering with a white background that spells ‘southside’ at the top and ‘serpents’ at the bottom of the snake, a jacket that toni seems to be wearing with pride, a grin on her face that’s visible even from her profile, those curls of hers brushed to the side to keep the serpent in view…

 

she notices another photo, one of toni with two boys, one who has to hunch over to be in frame, his hair gelled back with just a small strand curled over his forehead, a snake tattoo clear has day on his neck as he grins widely. he looks intimidating…muscular and fit, someone cheryl definitely wouldn’t want to cross. the second boy, on the other hand, looks much kinder, his grin much less sinister than the other boy’s, and his eyes seem much more nicer, too, brown eyes wide with excitement and his brown hair ruffled by a delicate hand that cheryl recognizes as toni’s.

 

toni’s standing in the middle of them both, one arm thrown around the tall boy’s shoulders and the other around the brown haired boy’s, this smile on her face that cheryl’s _never_ seen before, and it doesn’t register to her until a few seconds later that it’s because toni isn’t smiling in this photo.

 

she’s laughing. full blown laughter…eyes scrunched up and cheeks practically bursting with happiness-

 

“cher…” cheryl jumps slightly at the sound of her name, turns slowly to see toni has finally turned over onto her back and is looking at her through heavy lidded eyes, her breaths ragged as cheryl makes her way over to her quickly.

 

“toni…get some rest, okay?” cheryl says softly, sitting down by toni’s waist and reaching out to brush a lock of pink hair from her face. toni’s bottom lip trembles, eyes taking in the sight before her, and cheryl goes to move before toni suddenly grabs her hand tightly, fingers curling over her wrist as she lets out a whimper.

 

“don’t go…please.” she whispers. cheryl’s heart breaks further at the look in toni’s eyes, the look of complete and utter hopelessness, and she doesn’t even know how it happens, but she nods her head and doesn’t even protest when toni tugs her down gently.

 

“sleep here…here with me, please, cher…please, please stay…” toni croaks out, tears leaking from the corners of her eyes and falling into her pink, ragged hair. cheryl hesitates before she quickly kicks her shoes off and slowly sinks down onto the bed, her heart thumping against her ribcage when toni turns over onto her side with a groan and grabs cheryl’s arm to drape it over her own waist tightly. 

 

and cheryl once again hesitates before she leans in a little closer and pulls toni further into her, back pressed against her chest and arm around her waist tightening subconsciously. her heart is beating so fast, and she hears toni’s breath hitch before the pink haired girl relaxes in her hold, eyes fluttering closed once more when cheryl decides to be bold and presses a kiss to her hair.

 

“i’m here, toni…i’m right here, get some sleep, shh…” cheryl coos softly, sighing as toni lets out another soft whimper, her body still trembling until she eventually falls into a fitful sleep against her.

 

it takes cheryl a moment to register the fact that she’s sleeping in another bed with another woman. her mind is so numb right now, all she can really focus on is helping toni get through the night…she doesn’t understand anything, but she knows she’s not going to get her answers until the morning. so with that, she rests her head on the pillow and slightly buries her face into toni’s haphazard hair, inhaling the scent of lavender shampoo and sweat with a smile she can’t contain etching onto her face.

 

with how tired she is, it doesn’t take much longer for cheryl to fall asleep, either.

 

and despite the mattress being thin and the stagnant smell of whiskey that seems to hang in the air, and whether she’s drunk or not, cheryl decides that falling asleep with toni topaz in her arms is better than any five star hotel could ever be.

 

\---------------

 

when cheryl wakes up the next morning, it’s to an empty bed.

 

for a second, she think she’s back home, waking up to an empty bed and an empty apartment like she has been for the last two weeks before it slowly begins to dawn on her that the mattress she’s sleeping on is a lot more uncomfortable than the one she’s used to.

 

that, and she’s almost positive she fell asleep with a certain someone beside her-

 

“toni?” cheryl calls out softly, blinking the sleep from her eyes before she slowly pushes herself up and stretches out her stiff body with a groan, joints popping from lack of movement loudly. she looks at the clock on the wall above toni's bed, eyes widening when she seems it's almost the afternoon.

 

god, how tired was she last night...

 

she glances around the room, takes in the sunlight filtering through the small window on the wall to the right of her and comes to the conclusion that toni is definitely not in here before she pushes herself up and winces at the way the skin around her stomach aches slightly from the button of her pants digging into them all night.

 

yeah, that’s the last time she sleeps in denim jeans…

 

she grabs her shoes and quickly slips them back on before she opens the door to toni’s bedroom and steps outside it.

 

the smell of coffee hits her nose, a very welcome change from the smell of alcohol, and cheryl’s stomach grumbles loudly, her body just now registering that she’s hungry as she steps into the living room to find toni in the kitchen, her back turned and her hair now up in a haphazard bun. cheryl can see all the contours of her back muscles, the girl only wearing a tank top with thin straps over the shoulders, colored blue, a stark contrast to the pink hair atop her head…

 

“toni?” cheryl calls out again. she watches as toni’s back very visibly tenses up, watches as she turns slowly to face cheryl, who takes in her red, puffy eyes and her slightly paler than normal complexion as she lets out a shaky breath and clenches her jaw.

 

“hey…” she says roughly, voice raspier than usual as cheryl suppresses a shiver at the sound of it and makes her way further into the living room with a frown.

 

“hey…how are you feeling?” cheryl asks softly. toni scoffs, turns her back to cheryl once more as the coffee pot finishes brewing.

 

“terrible.” toni deadpans. cheryl swallows the lump in her throat and makes her way to the counter, resting her elbows on it and noticing the jeans toni is wearing as she grabs a second mug from the cabinet above her and pours cheryl a cup of coffee. she automatically moves to the fridge, grabs the milk and pours a little into cheryl’s coffee before she’s grabbing a sugar packet from the cabinet above her again and ripping it open to pour it into cheryl’s coffee.

 

just the way she likes it.

 

she stirs it for a few seconds before she hands it to cheryl wordlessly, the red haired girl letting out a small ‘thank you’ as she raises the cup to her lips to take a sip, toni doing the same before she sighs, shoulders sagging in defeat, but before she can say anything, cheryl asks the first question on her lips.

 

“why were you drunk last night, toni? is that what you’ve spent the last two weeks doing?” she asks hoarsely, observing as toni’s shoulders tense up once again before she simply shrugs.

 

“i needed something to take the edge off a little. i’ve been…scattered.” she says simply.

 

“alcohol isn’t the answer.” cheryl retorts, and toni sighs and scratches at her brow before she looks up at her in defeat.

 

“cheryl…why are you here?” toni croaks out, looking up at her with nothing but sadness now as cheryl swallows down her coffee and looks at her in slight disbelief.

 

“toni, you haven’t answered any of my calls or texts for two weeks…i was worried about you. i just…i thought i might find you here, so i came.” she finishes lamely, taking another sip of her coffee. toni frowns and sinks against the counter on her elbows, the coffee mug she’s holding resting against her stomach as she stares down at it.

 

“cher, i…you shouldn’t be here.” toni says firmly. cheryl lets out a sigh of frustration, because she’s getting pretty sick of toni just telling her she shouldn’t be here instead of fucking telling her _why_ she shouldn’t be here-

 

“why? why shouldn’t i be here? toni, please…can you just talk to me. tell me what’s going on in your mind, let me help you…” cheryl pleads, setting her coffee aside and leans in closer as toni licks her lips and shakes her head, gaze still averted.

 

“why do you still care, cheryl? i ruined your life, i…look what i’ve done to you-.”

 

“what you’ve ‘done’ to me? toni, what…you didn’t ruin my life, you _saved_ it! you opened my eyes to so much, god, if it wasn’t for you, i’d still be marrying archie in two months! i’d still be hiding and denying that part of myself that’s been missing since before i even knew it existed!” cheryl exclaims almost breathlessly. toni clenches her jaw, but still refuses to make eye contact, and cheryl can feel herself getting steadily more upset about it as she scoffs and shakes her head.

 

“toni…i don’t know why you’re seeing it this way, you were encouraging me to live my truth-.”

 

“i’m happy for you, cheryl. i really am, i’m happy that you’re embracing your sexuality, but it doesn’t erase the fact that i ruined your relationship with archie.” toni croaks out, her eyes falling down to her coffee cup in despair. cheryl pushes herself up and makes her way around the counter, closer to toni, who shifts uncomfortably, breath hitching as she keeps her eyes on her coffee while cheryl advances on her.

 

“toni…archie and i are okay. we’ve spent the last two weeks talking about everything and we’re…we’re fine.” cheryl says with a smile.

 

toni’s head snaps up at that, eyes wide and filled with confusion as cheryl realizes what she just said and quickly corrects herself.

 

“i mean, _no_ , we’re not dating anymore and we called off the wedding, i just mean…we’re in a stable place. you didn’t ruin our relationship, toni, we’re still good friends. the last two weeks have been so good, we’ve just been talking about everything and finding a way to move forward with it all while still staying in each other’s lives, and somehow, we got there.” cheryl says, letting out a small chuckle of disbelief because she _still_ can’t quite believe it. toni swallows thickly, purses her lips before she nods and drops her gaze once more.

 

“that’s good…that’s really good.” she says in a small voice. cheryl smiles as best as she can and steps forward, reaching out to brush her fingers over toni’s wrist, and the girl flinches only slightly from her touch before she relaxes with a heavy sigh, eyes still focused on her damn coffee cup-

 

“toni…can you please look at me?” cheryl croaks out. toni’s bottom lip trembles, teeth quickly latching onto it to stop it before she simply shakes her head.

 

“it doesn’t change anything, cher. you’re still my patient…and we still can’t do this. therapists aren’t supposed to destroy relationships, they’re supposed to mend them-.”

 

“even when that relationship was making me miserable? even when that relationship was suppressing something in me so violently, crushing my soul?” cheryl says hoarsely, her shaking fingers skating up and down toni’s forearm gently, trying to get through to her-

 

“cheryl…please, stop.” toni whispers, setting her coffee cup down and inching away from cheryl’s touch. the rejection that floods through her causes tears to well in her eyes, her heart aching with pain as toni practically pushes herself against the counter to get as far away from her as possible.

 

“it’s not right, cheryl…you’re my patient, and i took advantage of you-.”

 

“toni, please…you know that’s not true. you _know_ there’s been this energy between us from day one, before w-we even got to know each other…sometimes, some people just _connect_ , it can’t be explained, not with science or-or logic, it just _is._ you feel it, don’t you?” cheryl pleads, stepping closer, unable to stop herself, her desperation to get as close to toni as possible erasing everything from her mind-

 

toni relaxes slightly against the counter, shoulders slumping, but her hands are gripping the edge of it tightly, these ragged breathes escaping her as cheryl reaches out and closes her hands over each of toni’s on either side of her body.

 

the sparks that run through her whole body…god, this isn’t normal, is it? this thing between them, it’s not possible to have this much chemistry with someone…

 

toni gasps softly at her touch, too, head bowed, still avoiding eye contact as cheryl finally closes the space between them, bodies almost pressed together completely-

 

“you can’t tell me you don’t feel that, toni…” cheryl breathes, her forehead subconsciously falling forward until it’s knocking against toni’s, the both of them breathing each other in slowly, hands intertwined, hearts racing, bodies building with tension, god, cheryl wants to kiss her so badly right now…

 

“cher…” toni’s voice barely reaches her, ears almost clogged with the sound of her heartbeat pounding against her chest violently, and cheryl’s shaking hands trail from toni’s, up her forearms, leaving goosebumps in their way before she’s cupping toni’s neck with her hands delicately, thumbs slightly pushing under her jaw to lift her gaze…

 

“how can you want me when i took so much from you?” toni whispers suddenly, brown eyes meeting cheryl’s, filled with nothing but tears as cheryl swallows thickly and smiles before she shakes her head.

 

“you took _nothing_ from me, toni. absolutely nothing…you took nothing and gave me _everything_ instead.” cheryl whispers back.

 

toni’s body shudders against her, a choked out whine escaping her before she lifts her head up and closes the gap between them.

 

their lips brush tentatively at first before cheryl’s the one to deepen the kiss, hands moving from the countertop to hook her fingers into the belt loops of cheryl’s jeans, pulling her even closer, and cheryl’s head is fucking spinning as the taste of tears, coffee, and a slight hint of toothpaste and whiskey hits her tastebuds, a moan of pleasure escaping her before she can stop it when toni’s hands move around to her lower back, sliding just a little lower with each smack of their lips…

 

toni’s the one who takes the plunge, tongue gliding against cheryl’s lower lip lightly and eliciting a whimper from the girl against her as her hands slide up from toni’s neck to her hair, fingers curling into fists and tugging lightly on the pink strands as toni’s hands move up again to grip the hem of her shirt as their tongues brush languidly-

 

the feeling of her warm fingers touching the small of her back, moving under her shirt to touch heated, alabaster skin, oh god, cheryl’s whole body is on fire, she just wants toni to keep fucking _touching her-_

 

this is infinitely better than their first kiss, and yet, at the same time, it’s somehow not. because cheryl feels like any kiss she shares with this woman is bound to be cataclysmic, magical beyond her beliefs, something that ignites something so beautiful inside of her, causes her heart to race and her palms to sweat and her body to tingle like she’s floating on cloud nine with a simple brush of toni’s lips against hers, _fuck_ , she never wants this to end…she wants to keep kissing toni topaz forever-

 

toni’s hands suddenly move from under her shirt to grip her wrists, pulling them back from her hair as she detaches herself from the kiss with a loud smack, her breathing ragged and her forehead resting against cheryl’s as she whispers-

 

“stop…stop, we can’t do this.” 

 

cheryl licks her lips, tries to get feeling back into them, but they’re still tingling numbly, her body aching to ignore toni’s requests, to pull her forward and crash their lips together once more-

 

“go…please, just go, cheryl.” toni croaks out. she pulls cheryl’s hands away from her face, tears spilling over as cheryl stands there in complete and utter shock.

 

“t-toni…d-don’t ask me to go, please-.” 

 

“i’m…god, i’m not _good_ for you, cheryl, when are you gonna open your eyes and realize that?!” toni cries out, sniffing and wiping away the tears that fall down her cheeks as cheryl feels her own beginning to well in her eyes.

 

“what are you talking about?! toni, you’re…” cheryl steps forward, takes toni’s hands into her own, ignores toni’s whine of protest and reaches one hand up to cradle her cheek, thumb brushing over the damp skin with a shaky smile.

 

“you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” cheryl whispers, nothing but honesty dripping from every word she says as toni bites down on her quivering bottom lip and shakes her head.

 

“don’t say that…don’t, please…” she whimpers, ducking her head and averting her gaze as cheryl leans in a little closer.

 

“why?” she breathes. toni looks up at her, faces inches apart as she exhales shakily and looks into cheryl’s eyes. 

 

“because you’re making it harder for me to let you go.” she whispers. cheryl’s heart falls, her mind kicking into overdrive as the hand clutching her cheek grips tighter in an effort to make sure toni listens to her, make sure toni understands that this doesn’t need to happen-

 

“then don’t…don’t let me go, please, toni...” cheryl croaks out, tears finally spilling over as she leans in even closer, desperate to kiss her again, to prove to her that they were _meant to be_ , god, they’re made for each other, why can’t toni see that- 

 

their lips are so close, a whimper escaping the pink haired girl before she suddenly grips cheryl’s wrist once more, pulling her hand away from her face and stepping sideways away from the counter.

 

away from cheryl.

 

“get out, cheryl. go back to new york, move on with your life, forget you ever met me.” she deadpans, turning her back and gripping the counter once more. cheryl stares at her in disbelief.

 

what? what is she talking about, she can’t just _forget her-_

 

“i _can’t._ i…toni, you can’t ask me to do that, not when i feel the way i feel about you, not when you feel the way you feel about me-.”

 

“i don’t want you, cheryl. okay? so just go!” toni suddenly yells, not unkindly, not harshly, not filled with anger or malice but more…matter of factly. 

 

and as much as it fucking hurts to hear those words, as much as it causes a knife to twist in cheryl’s guts, she ignores it.

 

because they’ve been here before. they’ve fucking been here before, she _knows_ toni is lying…

 

“you don’t want me?” she whispers instead, her feet almost acting on their own fucking accord as she steps forward, closer and closer to toni, who tenses up with each sound of her boots against the tiled floor of the kitchen.

 

“tell me, toni…tell me you don’t want me.” she breathes into her ear, her shaking hands struggling to stop herself from gripping toni’s waist as the girl bites back a moan and sags against her for the briefest second, back pressed against cheryl’s chest-

 

“i…get out, cheryl. get out of my trailer. please, just go.” toni whispers, pushing her back gently and stepping away from her once more. 

 

cheryl blinks back her tears, tries to ignore the way her heart seems to just crack and fall apart, and she licks her lips before she sniffs back her tears and simply nods once, making her way towards the front door of the trailer without a backwards glance.

 

and toni watches her go in despair, feels her own heart break with each step cheryl takes until she can hear the sound of her car starting outside before it peels out of the trailer park, the sound of dirt and gravel echoing out to her-

 

toni grips the counter top, her tears falling as it dawns on her that she just let go of the only thing in her life that’s ever made sense, the only thing in her life that’s ever made her happy, that’s ever given her heart and mind something to agree on: that cheryl blossom was something special. _someone_ special…

 

and she just let her go. let her walk through the door and out of her life-

 

_it’s the right thing to do and you know it…she’s your patient, toni…_

 

but she’s not, she’s not anymore, toni transferred her to veronica for a reason, they should be allowed to do this, they should be allowed to pursue what they have, please-

 

_no, it’s wrong, it’s completely and utterly wrong! you took advantage of her, toni! she’s your patient and you took advantage of her!_

 

but she didn’t…god, she didn’t, she never _could_ she just…she just _fell for her_ , so suddenly, altogether and all at once, toni can’t explain it, but she…she never took advantage of her, she didn’t-

 

toni bites back a whine of anguish before she grabs her cup of coffee on the benchtop and throws it across the room with a scream of despair, watches it smash against the wall before she’s sinking to the ground with her face buried in her hands, unable to contain the sobs that wrack her body anew.

 

she screwed up…god, she screwed up so badly here…

 

\-------------

 

it’s a constant action, cheryl’s hand lifting to wipe the tears from her cheeks for the entire three hour ride back to new york.

 

she’s positive she shouldn’t be driving like this, with her vision blurred and her whole body shaking, but it’s not like she could stay in riverdale. 

 

she can’t get through to her…god, toni’s so focused on this idea that they can’t be together, and cheryl doesn’t understand why, but maybe…maybe what she needs to do is just give toni some time.

 

she can get through to her, she can.

 

but maybe not today…and that’s okay. 

 

cheryl’s not giving up, she refuses to. what she has with toni…it’s too special for her to ignore, too special for her to give up on. she can get through to toni, she knows she can…

 

she has hope.

 

it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt any less, having to drive all the way back home without toni here with her.

 

she just needs to give it more time, she can do that…she’ll give toni every ounce of time she has left on planet earth if she has to, she just…fuck, she wishes it would hurt _less._

 

she has no idea where to go, knows archie will want her to just come back to the apartment, and part of her wants to confide in her best friend, to ask for his advice, to tell him what happened and to ask him how she should proceed.

 

she knows archie probably feels no obligation to help her, but she’s hoping he’ll look past it all and at least help her try to understand where toni is coming from because she just…she just _doesn’t._

 

why can’t they be together? cheryl’s not toni’s patient anymore, she’s veronica’s, granted they’ve only had one session together, but still…there’s no professional or legal connection between them now, shouldn’t they be allowed to pursue what they have together?

 

if that’s the case, why is toni so afraid to take the plunge?

 

it feels like no time has passed before cheryl finds herself pulling into the parking garage of her apartment building, and she doesn’t even focus on the many cars that occupy the usual spaces, her mind on one thing and one thing only: getting to archie and asking him for help.

 

maybe he can come with her next time, help toni see that she didn’t ruin their friendship, and maybe it’s a selfish fucking thing to ask of her ex-fiancée, but fuck, she’s so deserpate, she doesn’t even grab her bag from the backseat as she dashes up the stairs towards her apartment, fingers fumbling with the keys in her jacket pocket as she shoves them into the door-

 

“archie! i need your help, i-.”

 

she stops short.

 

her whole body turns cold, turns numb as she feels her throat almost immediately close up in panic.

 

because archie is in the living room with his father, the both of them leaning against the wall with anxious frowns on their faces as they look up in surprise at her entrance.

 

and three other people sitting on the couch before them turn their heads as well.

 

three people with striking red hair, oh so similar to hers-

 

“cheryl…we’ve been waiting for you.” clifford blossom says sternly, not an ounce of happiness at the sight of his daughter etched on his face as penelope blossom purses her lips in anger for him instead, showcasing her emotions without holding back even a bit. 

 

“hey, sis…” jason blossom says weakly from beside his father, raising a hand in welcome almost lamely with nothing but guilt in his eyes as cheryl tries her best to focus on how to just _fucking breathe._

 

only one thing seems to run through her mind.

 

that somehow, her parents have found out about she and archie cancelling the wedding.

 

and with that thought, cheryl comes to a very harrowing conclusion.

 

_i’m so fucking dead._


	11. sometimes it hurts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm not sure what happened with the last chapter, it didn't show up as being updated on ao3, so if you're starting this one and you're confused af, it's likely you missed the last update, so go back and read the last chapter!
> 
> update on my dumbass injuries: they're still there and still painful! my leg is at least feeling better and so is my arm but whew, be careful on your motorbikes, people. this shit sucks, and i wouldn't recommend it. 
> 
> again, gonna try my best to get updates out frequently, but i'll keep you guys updated on shit on my twitter, which is @endofdaysforme.
> 
> hope you like this one, it's heartbreaking, because i'm an asshole, heh. but there is some light at the end of the tunnel! bye for now!

cheryl’s been alive for twenty five years now. 

 

twenty five years of emotions. of happiness, and sadness…of panic and terror and fear…of grief, but also excitement…of wonder and intrigue…she’s quite sure she could list at least a thousand different emotions she’s felt in the last twenty five years that she’s existed on this earth.

 

right now? she has never, ever felt what she’s feeling right now. and she doesn’t even know how to begin to describe it.

 

guess it’s become a thousand and _one_ now.

 

“what…what are you d-doing here?” cheryl manages to squeak out, the panic pounding through her body causing her throat to close and her words to come out barely coherent as she stares at her mother, father and brother before her.

 

they know…they know, god, how the fuck do they know?! this was only between archie and cheryl, no one else knows about this except for, well, toni, but she only just found out this morning, and cheryl _knows_ toni hasn’t said anything, so how?!

 

oh god, she’s so dead…they’re gonna fucking kill her, the look in her father and mother’s eyes right now-

 

she tries her best not to cry, blinks rapidly to dispel her tears as clifford stands with a loud and tired sigh, unbuttoning his coat as he does. 

 

“i think you know why we’re here, cheryl.” he says firmly, but before he can say anything else, penelope stands quickly and glares at her with the hatred of about a thousand suns, a look cheryl’s used to seeing by now, but a look that always makes her flinch regardless-

 

“your brother informed us yesterday evening that you’ve suddenly decided to call off the wedding!” she hisses, moving to step forward before clifford grips her elbow to stop her, tugging her back slightly with a warning look in his eyes.

 

wait… _jason_ told them? but how the hell did jason know?! what the fuck is going on-

 

cheryl blinks in confusion, looks to jason in surprise, who sighs and stands as well before archie’s the one to step forward and away from the wall and his father with the most apologetic look on his face as rushes towards cheryl quickly. his hands immediately grip her waist, the panic in his eyes clear as day as he looks into cheryl’s own terror filled eyes.

 

“jason showed up last night just as i was leaving to go to chris’s, he wanted to surprise you…i tried calling your phone but you weren’t answering, and he obviously put two and two together when he saw i was about to leave with a bag and half my stuff is missing. cheryl, i told him not to say anything, i told jason to keep his mouth shut, but the next thing i knew, your parents are knocking on the door in the morning and my dad is with them-.”

 

cheryl finds herself blocking him out, her ears ringing as she comes to the realization that she left her phone in the car on the dashboard…she hasn’t even looked at it since archie called her last night, and it’s more than likely dead after staying off charge for more than twenty four hours…she’s so stupid, so, so stupid…

 

jason steps forward, stands beside archie and looks at her with a mixture of guilt and confusion as he interrupts.

 

“look, cheryl, i wasn’t gonna say anything, but you weren’t answering your phone and i panicked! mom told me you’ve been acting weird the last few months, and we’ve all been so worried about you, i thought…you know, maybe we can all come here and sit down and talk about what’s going on-.”

 

“that’s enough, jason!” clifford barks, glaring at his son to shut him up, and jason immediately turns to face him before he purses his lips to quiet himself as cheryl tries her best not to flinch at the sound of his raised voice. archie clenches his jaw and turns to face clifford in anger as her father lets out another sigh and offers cheryl a smile faker than the fucking hair on top of his head.

 

“come now, sweetheart. let’s just all take a deep breath…and you can tell us what exactly has happened, okay? now, what’s this about the wedding being cancelled? is it true?” he asks simply. cheryl’s whole body is trembling so violently, and she wishes more than anything that she could get back into her car and drive back to riverdale, drive back to _toni_ , to safety, to security, to that woman’s fucking arms around her body, to her soft lips against her own…

 

she’s so fucking scared right now, but she knows, deep down, that she’s not going anywhere until her parents get answers.

 

and the truth is…this was inevitable. and it’s time for her to be brave. she’s not alone, she has archie and fred here with her, and they’ll never let any harm come to her, cheryl _knows_ that… 

 

_they can’t hurt you…archie won’t let them…you’re safe, cheryl…_

 

she’s safe, yes…from physical harm at least…

 

_say it, cheryl, god, just say it-_

 

“i…yes, it’s true.” cheryl manages to gasp out, her tears finally spilling over, bile rising in the back of her throat so quickly, she finds herself swallowing it down repeatedly as penelope suddenly lets out a derisive laugh that has shivers running up cheryl’s spine.

 

_oh god, please, don’t hurt me, please-_

 

she grips archie’s arm to keep herself from fainting, her head spinning and her stomach turning quickly as archie grabs her hand to keep her steady-

 

“and why on _earth_ would you think that, cheryl?” penelope says stiffly, crossing her arms over her chest, eyes blazing with nothing but rage as jason looks at her in disbelief.

 

“cheryl, just…tell us what’s going on, why are you doing this, you and archie are the perfect couple-.”

 

“we want answers, cheryl!” clifford suddenly yells over the top of jason, his face turning beet red with anger as he and penelope both begin to advance on her, and cheryl’s on the verge of fucking vomiting, her body heaving-

 

archie steps forward beside her and practically covers her body with his own, her chest pressed against his back as he glares at clifford with nothing but hatred, jaw clenching in anger.

 

“hey, back off! you want answers…fine! _i’m_ the one who called off the wedding! we’re not ready for marriage, we’re moving too fast, and i couldn’t keep lying to myself-.”

 

“archie…stop.” cheryl finds herself saying hoarsely, gripping his forearm and giving it a gentle squeeze. archie looks at her in surprise, and cheryl closes her eyes and finds herself thinking about pink hair and a beautiful smile…

 

what would toni do? if she was here, what would toni tell her to do?

 

_she’d tell you to be brave, cheryl. she’d tell you to keep yourself out of danger, but she’d tell you to be proud of yourself…to own your truth._

 

but would she? god, toni just kicked her out of her trailer, toni wants nothing to do with her anymore-

 

_then don't do it for her right now...do it for **you.**_

 

cheryl exhales shakily before she steps out of archie’s shadow and finally moves in front of him.

 

she’s not doing this anymore. she’s not going to hide behind archie, hide behind lies and a fake relationship…she owes it to herself, and she’s come too fucking far to creep back into that mindset now. 

 

her parents have been hurting her for so long now, but she’s not that scared little girl anymore. toni helped her come to terms with so much about herself…she’s proud of who she is. they've already taken twenty five years of her life...she won't let them take a second more.

 

“i appreciate you trying to keep me safe, but you don’t have to lie for me, archie.” she says with a weak smile, turning to face him and watching as he looks at her with nothing but worry. he’s terrified for her, but cheryl knows he’ll protect her no matter what, and she find herself wondering just how the hell she’d ever survive if archie andrews was not one of the most forgiving and beautiful soul she’s ever met…

 

“you want answers?” cheryl croaks out, looking to her parents now, who simply stare at her expectantly as cheryl takes a deep breath in and finally fucking _speaks her truth._

 

“the answer is that yes, we both called off the wedding. but it’s not archie that’s not ready, it’s _me._ and the truth is, i’ll _never be_ ready. because i’m…” 

 

_say it…say it, cheryl, say it, please just fucking say it-_

 

“i’m gay.” cheryl breathes out.

 

almost immediately…the tension in the room becomes chaos. archie’s shoulders stiffen, his protective stance over cheryl deepening as cheryl looks to fred andrews, who hasn’t spoken a single word since cheryl arrived, first. 

 

fred’s eyes are wide with shock, his arms uncrossing from over his chest as he steps away from the wall. her eyes move to her twin brother, who looks like someone just hit him over the face with a baseball bat as he steps back and looks back and forth between archie and cheryl rapidly.

 

to clifford, whose nostrils flare, eyes containing nothing but rage as he clenches his fist, causing cheryl to bite back a whimper of panic as her eyes finally move over to penelope.

 

who laughs, shaking her head in disbelief before looking at cheryl in amusement.

 

“that’s ridiculous, cheryl. no you’re not.” penelope says simply. cheryl watches clifford relax slightly, watches as he purses his lips while cheryl tries to get some kind of response out despite the fact that her ears are ringing and she can barely fucking _breathe_ right now.

 

“i…mother, i-.”

 

“that’s enough of that. yes, i see now, you’re right, penelope, but this little prank of yours is over. none of us are laughing, cheryl.” clifford says promptly, chuckling before he waves his hand nonchalantly.

 

“now, we must discuss wedding preparations immediately. we’re only two months away, and-.” clifford starts, but archie suddenly growls under his breath and yells over the top of him, doing something cheryl would never fucking _dare_ do in her entire goddamn life. 

 

“it’s not a prank! you think we would joke about something like this? god, what’s wrong with you!? she just told you something so important about her life and you think it’s her just messing around?!” archie barks, gripping cheryl’s hand in his own and giving it a reassuring squeeze. clifford’s amusement fades quickly, his jaw clenching as penelope huffs and simply shakes her head.

 

“you don’t know what you’re saying, archie. cheryl’s simply craving attention, as always. aren’t you, dear? telling lies and making things up just so we can finally pay you some of our time…why you would choose something as _disgusting_ as this to try and grab it is beyond me, but enough is enough. dragging your fiancée into your little games…when i thought you could stoop no lower, cheryl.” penelope says airily. jason is still blinking in shock, fred is looking back and forth between archie and cheryl as clifford crosses his arms over his chest and simply raises a hand to silence everyone in the room.

 

“no more talking. this little game is done with. she _will_ be marrying you, archie, and that’s final. i’ll hear nothing more about this wedding not going forth.” clifford says with nothing but finality in his tone.

 

and that’s it. cheryl feels all her resolve leave her, feels any hope of getting out of this situation fade from her body as her shoulders sag and a choked out sob escapes her-

 

she has no choice. she has to marry him, she has to-

 

“no, she _won’t._ i refuse to marry cheryl, it’s not what she wants.” archie says firmly. cheryl looks up at him, clings to him with nothing but despair, but he wraps an arm around her shoulders and pulls him into his side, pressing a kiss to her hair as he does.

 

“i’ve got you, cheryl, don’t worry-.” 

 

“this marriage has been planned for eight years, cheryl, you are not going to destroy that with some ridiculous theory that you’re… _like that!_ ” clifford growls, full blown anger taking over as he steps closer, and cheryl blanches, fear gripping her tightly, but archie pushes her back once more to protect her before jason’s stepping forward in front of his father. 

 

“dad, wait, just…stop pressuring her!” jason cries out, looking at his mother and father pleadingly before he turns to look at cheryl with a shaky smile.

 

“cheryl, maybe…maybe you just need some time to think things through, okay?” jason says softly, reaching out to grip her hand, but all cheryl can think about is the fact that this is all happening because of him.

 

and even though she shouldn’t be angry because this was bound to happen regardless, she pulls back from his touch and clutches archie’s hand with a whine of anguish.

 

“no! there’s nothing to think about, i’m…god, i’m _sick_ of thinking things through! i’ve spent years thinking, over and over again, thinking that the way i am _is wrong_ and it can’t be true because it’s _sick_ , and i’m so tired of denying who i am! i can’t do it anymore! this is who i am, and i refuse to hate myself for it anymore!” she cries out, tears falling before she can stop them and her voice shaking with emotion as archie holds her close in support. 

 

she can’t believe she’s saying all of this, right in front of her fucking parents, but she’s so fucking _tired._ she just had to deal with toni essentially pushing her away, and all cheryl wants to do is focus on her right now, she doesn’t want all of this to be happening and the fact that it is…right now, of all fucking times for it to be happening…

 

jason’s whole body seems to just sag in defeat, this look of loss shining in his eyes as he purses his lips and shakes his head.

 

“but…cheryl, why didn’t you ever tell me? i’m your b-brother, your _twin-_.”

 

“you live across the country, jason! and you’re daddy’s right hand man! god, you didn’t even stop to think that maybe we should talk to each other first before calling mom and dad, did you?!” cheryl screams, her anger getting the better of her when clifford suddenly growls and steps forward, pulling jason back as he does and causing cheryl to shrink down to about two feet tall under his enraged gaze.

 

“THAT IS ENOUGH! you _dare_ speak down to your brother when you’ve done _nothing_ but disappoint us from day one?! cheryl, i will not tolerate this behavior from you-.”

 

“then get the hell out! you might’ve had cheryl under your thumb for the last twenty five goddamn years, but i won’t let you get away with it anymore!” archie hisses, pulling cheryl behind him further until she’s hidden from her father’s view, glaring at clifford and penelope with nothing but hatred as he growls his next words through clenched teeth.

 

“she told me what you’ve done to her in the past. she told me how you’ve hurt her, abused her, physically and mentally her entire life. you disgust me, the both of you.” archie says with nothing but venom, glaring back and forth between clifford and penelope.

 

jason looks at his mother and father in confusion, and cheryl watches in nothing but disbelief as penelope scoffs and adjusts her hair while clifford simply smirks and looks at archie menacingly.

 

“more lies, of course. god, you’ll stop at nothing to make us look like monsters, won’t you, cheryl? you truly are _sick_ minded..." she says derisively. cheryl clenches her jaw, anger flooding her at the fact that they’re trying, they’re really _fucking trying_ to make _her_ look like the liar here-

 

“don’t throw around accusations like that, archibald. it won’t end well for you.” clifford says in a low voice, staring archie down as he does.

 

_oh god, archie…no, no, he’s gonna destroy him-_

 

“i suggest you take a step back, clifford. take one more step towards them and i won’t hesitate in hurting you.” fred andrews’s voice echoes out suddenly, and cheryl watches, trembling like a leaf from head to toe in panic and fear as fred makes his way over to cheryl and archie slowly with nothing but anger in his eyes.

 

in the almost ten goddamn years that cheryl blossom has known fred andrews…never _once_ has he shown any signs of anger or malice…the man was the purest form of kindness, and yet here he stands in front of her and archie protectively, glaring at clifford like he’s about ready to knock his lights out.

 

and cheryl swears she sees a hint of fear flash in clifford’s eyes before they return to anger once more as his gaze moves from fred to cheryl once more, jaw clenching as penelope stands beside him and jason stands between both families in despair and confusion.

 

“cheryl, if you don’t go through with this marriage, you can kiss your inheritance and your entire future goodbye. you’ll no longer be a blossom, do you hear me? you will no longer be welcome at thornhill, no longer have your job at the company. you’ll be completely erased from the blossom bloodline.” clifford says firmly and matter of factly, picking at the lint on his jacket like he’s not about to disown his own fucking daughter.

 

cheryl’s frozen, her throat closed up, unable to reply, unable to breathe or think or speak-

 

“as for you, archie…well, any future you had with us will be gone, too. that illustrious job as ceo for our new york branch-.” clifford starts, but archie interrupts him once again with a scoff.

 

“i never wanted it in the first place. i told you i’m more than happy where i am, working with my dad. take your opportunity and shove it.” he says stiffly. 

 

_fuck, fuck, fuck, archie, stop, please-_

 

clifford’s face turns red with rage, but before he can say anything, penelope looks to cheryl with what can only be described as a tight smile, the anger in her eyes still evident despite it.

 

_god, they’re the fakest of fakes…the fakest of goddamn fucking fakes…_

 

“cheryl, either you come with us and allow us to get you the help you need so this wedding can go forth, or you lose _everything_ we've given you for the last twenty five years. make the right choice here, dear. we’re your family…and think of your brother…do you really want him to lose his sister?” penelope says sweetly, grabbing jason’s hand and pulling him towards them as he looks back at his sister with wide eyes, still so much confusion inside them…

 

cheryl’s heart breaks, because she can see it in his eyes…the regret. the apology, and she knows that once she says what she says, her relationship with jason will deteriorate. 

 

she’s going to lose her brother…there’s no way he’d ever leave the company, leave her mother and father behind. 

 

he’d choose them over her, and she knows it.

 

_i’m so sorry, jay jay…_

 

“i am _not_ sick and i don't need help. if you want to disown me simply for who i am, then…then disown me. i won’t apologize for finally owning my truth. you can hate me for it, and i’ll hurt for a while, but i’ll be okay. it’s _you_ who will have to live with the fact that you lost a daughter because you couldn’t find it in your hearts to love her for who she is.” cheryl croaks out.

 

as soon as those words leave her, she finds herself thinking of toni, and how fucking proud she’d be of cheryl right now…

 

_i need her…i need her here, i can’t hold on much longer-_

 

“you have been nothing but a continuous disappointment to our lives, cheryl.” clifford says stiffly. 

 

the words hurt, but cheryl simply smiles weakly.

 

“and you’ve been nothing but a disappointment to mine, daddy.” she whispers bravely. penelope’s eyes widen suddenly, and she steps forward, hands shaking at her sides-

 

“you insolent, _deviant_ little-.”

 

“threaten my son or cheryl again, i dare you.” fred hisses, stepping in front of both cheryl and archie suddenly, throwing a protective arm over the both of them as penelope scoffs and looks at him in surprise before she turns to clifford.

 

clifford, who doesn’t even look at cheryl as he grips penelope’s elbow and tugs her towards the door.

 

“let’s go, penelope. she’s made her choice…one she’ll surely come to regret. just don’t come crying to us when you do, cheryl. we won’t be there to accept you.” he sneers, grabbing jason as well and pulling them both towards the door, and cheryl’s heart aches as she watches jason follow along with his head bowed down in regret and sadness-

 

“jay jay, wait!” she shouts, stepping past fred quickly and watching as jason stops short and looks up at her quickly, eyes wide and filled with sorrow-

 

“i hope one day…you can get out from under them. i’ll be here whenever you’re ready.” she whispers, giving him a small smile, watching as his bottom lip trembles before he hesitates for just a moment, his foot inching towards her-

 

“cheryl…” 

 

_come on, jason, please…please-_

 

“that’s enough! let’s go, son!” clifford barks from the door, and before cheryl can do anything, jason takes one last look at her before he sighs and follows his parents out of the door. 

 

and as soon as the door slams shut behind him, cheryl finds herself collapsing to her knees, her whole body shaking as she tries her best to breathe, but the reality of what’s just happened crashes into her brain, the reality that she no longer has a family, that her mother and father have disowned her, that she no longer has a job, has nothing, _nothing_ to her name anymore-

 

_isn’t this what you wanted, cheryl? to leave the company, to stop working for your parents-_

 

but she’s lost _everything_ now…she’s lost archie, she’s lost her job, her family, she’s probably lost toni too, the girl told her to leave and cheryl just _left_ , oh fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck-

 

“cheryl! cheryl, honey, you need to breathe!” archie grips her face in his hands, but cheryl pushes him back desperately, unable to focus on anything other than everything she’s just lost in less than fifteen minutes. 

 

she…she didn’t know they were gonna be here, she didn’t even have time to fucking prepare-

 

“cheryl, sweetheart, try and breathe, everything’s gonna be okay, alright? archie and i are gonna support you no matter what…” fred says softly, rubbing her back soothingly as he crouches down beside her, but all it does is cause cheryl to cry harder, because she’s not the only one who lost something in all of this and they’re being _so fucking nice_ when cheryl cheated on archie and broke his fucking heart-

 

“cheryl? i can call her…i can call her, okay? do you…do you need her?” archie says suddenly but hesitantly, brushing her hair back from her face, the strands sticking to her wet cheeks as all she can think of to do is nod desperately.

 

she needs her…please, please, she just needs her here-

 

“dad, i…i know this is gonna sound confusing but i need you to do me a favor.” archie says firmly, cheryl barely able to hear him over the sound of her trying so desperately to get some air into her lungs-

 

“what is it, son?” fred says without hesitation, and archie takes a deep breath in before he nods.

 

“i need you to call toni and tell her what’s happened. tell her to get here as soon as she can.” 

 

\--------------------

 

as soon as toni topaz pulls up outside the apartment of archie andrews and cheryl blossom, her heart begins to pound against her chest with anxiety and panic, eyes squinting at the sun that’s setting over the horizon quickly as she takes off her helmet and shakes her hair loose.

 

she only saw cheryl a few hours ago and yet…the idea of seeing her again makes her whole body ache with want. she misses her every second that she’s not with her, but knowing that right now she’s going through so much pain…

 

toni can’t seem to think about any of the reasons why she left in the first place right now, can’t think of any of the reasons why she begged cheryl to leave her trailer just this morning. ever since fred andrews’s call three hours ago, any thought about cheryl being her patient and all of this being so wrong has been thrown out of the window.

 

the sound of cheryl hysterically sobbing on the other end of the line as fred explained to her that her parents had found out…that they’d disowned her, left her without anything to her name…

 

she wasn’t there for her. cheryl just went through one of the most traumatizing things anyone could go through and toni wasn’t fucking there for her…

 

toni blinks back her tears, terrified of what’s waiting for her up in that apartment as she rests her helmet on the handle and swings her leg off the bike, groaning at the stiffness in her legs. she hadn’t stopped for the entire three hour journey, but she can’t find it in her to regret it, even if her legs are throbbing painfully. 

 

she needed to get here as soon as possible. cheryl needs her…

 

she makes her way to the front door of the apartment building, pushing open the door quickly and making her way straight to the fire escape stairs, too impatient to bother with the elevators. 

 

her legs burn, but she pushes through it and opens the door to the second floor, making her way to apartment eight slightly out of breath. as soon as she gets to it, she pounds on the door anxiously, bouncing on the soles of her feet before she jumps slightly at the sound of the door opening-

 

fred andrews looks at her with a somber expression, pulls the door open all the way as toni simply smiles weakly at him.

 

“hi, fred.” she croaks out. fred simply sighs, nothing but confusion in his eyes over probably _everything_ that’s happened today, and toni can tell straight from the bat that archie must not have told his father anything yet. 

 

if he knew, he wouldn’t be looking at toni with that look of respect he always gives her. it would be gone, replaced with anger and hatred at her for what she’s done…

 

_it’s what you’d deserve. you destroyed his son’s relationship-_

 

“toni!” 

 

her head snaps from fred to the sound of her name coming from none other than archie, who jumps up from where he’s sitting on the ground by the door to cheryl’s bedroom and makes his way over to her, this look of panic and worry in his eyes as he comes to a stop in front of her and to her surprise-

 

pulls her into a hug. a very, very tight hug.

 

toni blinks in surprise, and before she can even think to hug him back, he pulls away and grips her shoulders, eyes wild and wide and filled with worry.

 

“she locked herself in her room, i’ve been trying to get her to let me in for hours, i…i don’t know what to do-.”

 

“what happened, archie?” toni asks firmly, making her way inside the apartment properly as archie runs his fingers through his hair with a shaky exhale.

 

“jason showed up out of nowhere last night while cheryl was gone just as i was about to leave to stay at chris’s, and he saw my bag and half my stuff missing and put two and two together, i…i _told_ him not to say anything, but cheryl wasn’t answering her phone last night and he got worried and called her parents. they turned up this morning and i couldn’t do anything but wait for her to get back. god, toni, the second she got home, they pounced on her, told her the wedding wasn’t cancelled, they were practically gonna _force_ her to marry me, and cheryl…” archie exhales deeply before he looks at toni in despair.

 

“she told them the truth. she told them and they disowned her and now…” archie blinks back tears, looks to the closed door on the other end of the room, and toni suddenly hears it.

 

the faint sound of crying and sniffing…

 

toni feels tears well in her eyes, her heart breaking at the sound of cheryl in so much pain, and she knows she’s partly responsible for it.

 

because she did this…cheryl was already hurting from toni practically forcing her out of the door to her trailer this morning, and then she came home to this?

 

toni should’ve been here for her…been by her side, told her parents to fuck off, should’ve held her hand throughout it all…

 

_make it right, get in there and make it right-_

 

she looks at archie, who clenches his jaw and nods once before toni makes her way towards the bedroom door without a backwards glance.

 

“son…i’m gonna need you to explain everything to me.” toni hears fred mutter to archie behind her, but she quickly ignores it and grips the doorknob before she knocks on the door five times…for cheryl’s sake.

 

“cher? it’s me…” she croaks out, swallowing the lump in her throat and focusing on trying to determine any sounds from beyond the door, but there’s nothing, the sniffling and crying barely audible…

 

“cheryl? it’s toni…can you open the door for me?” toni says softly, her forehead coming to rest against the door as she tries her best to breathe before she hears shuffling on the other side of the door. 

 

“cher, let me in…please…” toni pleads, her heart aching before she hears the sound of a lock clicking a few moments later, and everything seems to just _stop._

 

she pauses, not wanting to scare cheryl by bursting in, and she gives it at least twenty seconds before she takes a deep breath in and pushes the door open slowly.

 

“cheryl?” she calls out gently. her eyes land first on the bed, but when she doesn’t find cheryl resting on it, she scans the room quickly and-

 

cheryl’s lying on the ground by the dresser on her stomach, cheek resting on the carpet and her eyes almost distant and hazy as she takes in these shuddering breaths, and the sight causes toni’s knees to wobble and her heart to clench.

 

she swallows down a whine of anguish at the sight, bites down on her bottom lip to stop it from trembling as she makes her way over to cheryl slowly, pulling the straps of her backpack off her shoulders and letting it drop to the ground as she does.

 

“cher…”

 

when cheryl doesn’t make a move to even acknowledge her, toni decides for her.

 

she sighs before she collapses onto the ground right beside her, lies on her back and looks up at the ceiling for a few moments before she turns her head to finally face her. 

 

cheryl whimpers, her eyes bloodshot red and puffy, tears falling down over the bridge of her nose and onto the carpet, her cheeks red, her whole body shaking, and as much as it scares toni to see her like these, she still does her best, sighs shakily and gives her a small smile.

 

“hey…” she whispers hoarsely. cheryl’s eyes flutter closed, her hand twitching as she takes in this shuddering gasp for air, and toni stares down at it before she quickly takes it into her own, interlacing their fingers gently as she does. cheryl opens her eyes again, squeezes her hand and just…stares at her.

 

toni doesn’t mind, simply stares back, silence taking over for a few moments as cheryl’s breathing starts to become steady, the hand squeezing her own beginning to loosen slowly…

 

“there you go, cher…” toni breathes, rubbing her thumb over cheryl’s hand soothingly as she swallows thickly and shakes her head.

 

“th-they d-disowned m-me.” she manages to gasp out. toni’s heart aches, and she shuffles just a little bit closer, unable to stop herself as she turns onto her side and uses the hand not holding cheryl’s to rub up and down her back soothingly.

 

“i know, cheryl…i’m so sorry.” she croaks out. cheryl whimpers, her bottom lip trembling as she shakes her head against the carpet again.

 

“i h-have n-no one!” she whines, her whole body shaking violently, and toni can’t think of anything else to do but raise the hand on her back to brush away the hair from her face, tucking it behind her ear while shaking her head furiously at her claims.

 

“don’t say that, cher. you have josie…and you have betty and jughead…you have fred and archie…” toni trails off, letting out a shaky breath as her tears fall over before she can stop them, a smile slowly breaking over her face while she stares at cheryl with nothing but adoration.

 

“me…you have me, cher. i promise.” she croaks out. 

 

it was a lost cause from the beginning, she should’ve known that…there was no way, no way she could keep herself away from this girl. this girl who so fucking easily has captured her heart, her soul…every waking moment since toni first laid eyes on her, she’s thought about her, there was no way…no chance she could stay away.

 

and toni finds herself staring into cheryl’s brown eyes and coming to a very terrifying conclusion. 

 

that she doesn’t really care if she loses her job anymore. that she doesn’t really care how many fines she’ll get slapped with, doesn’t care about the threat of jail time, god, she doesn’t care about any of it…

 

all she cares about is _her._

 

“d-don’t l-leave me.” cheryl whispers suddenly, pulling toni out of her thoughts as the red haired girl inches closer to her, their foreheads coming to rest against each other’s as toni simply smiles and nods against her.

 

“i’m not leaving this time. i promise, cheryl.” she whispers back. cheryl sniffs once, nuzzles her nose against toni’s before she pulls back with a look in her eyes that toni can only equate to anguish.

 

“d-did you m-mean it? wh-when you s-said you d-didn’t w-want m-me?” she squeaks out, whole body still shaking violently as toni closes her eyes and tries her best not to cry herself over those words being said.

 

_tell her, toni…tell her truth…_

 

“of course not, cher. the truth is…i want you so bad, sometimes it _hurts._ ” she breathes out, looking into her eyes and seeing the way that glimmer of hope suddenly shines in them, and before toni can even think, cheryl surges forward and kisses her.

 

and toni thinks to herself that the chaotic nature of whatever they have going on is worth it for the feeling, the _taste_ of cheryl blossom’s lips against her own.

 

she reaches a hand up to cradle her cheek, gently bites down on cheryl’s bottom lip as the girl whimpers against her and grips the collar of her shirt, fisting it between trembling hands to deepen the kiss properly while toni simply holds her close and tries to pour every ounce of passion she has for cheryl into this one kiss.

 

they only pull apart when the need for air becomes too much, the both of them gasping against each other wildly as cheryl collapses against her with a choked out sob, and toni holds her to her chest, runs her fingers through cheryl’s hair before she sighs and presses a kiss to the crown of her head.

 

“come on…let’s get you in bed, okay? you need to rest, today’s been a long day.” 

 

cheryl doesn’t argue, simply whines as toni moves out from under her before she takes her hand and helps her up slowly. cheryl practically sags against her, and toni wraps an arm around her shoulders and gently lowers her down to the bed. cheryl simply scoots over and turns onto her side, and toni hesitates before she sits down at the edge of the bed, quickly unzips her boots and kicks them off as cheryl tugs on her hand impatiently. 

 

toni smiles and collapses down onto the bed beside her, the both of them facing each other as toni runs her fingers through cheryl’s hair and simply marvels at just how _fucking beautiful_ the girl before her is.

 

and because she knows cheryl needs to hear something _good_ today, she tells her.

 

“you’re so beautiful…” she whispers hoarsely, brushing her thumb over cheryl’s damp cheeks, and the redhead actually manages a small smile, full lips lifting into a gentle one before cheryl kind of curls up against her. toni immediately wraps her arms around her, one hand twirling strands of her hair between her fingers and the other rubbing her back soothingly as cheryl’s head comes to rest beneath her chin. 

 

“stay with me...” cheryl whispers, her hand moving beneath the leather jacket toni’s wearing, beneath the shirt she’s wearing under it as well to touch the heated skin of her back, her hand simply resting there as toni smiles and kisses the top of her head.

 

“i’m not going anywhere. i promise.” 

 

“you’ll be here when i wake up?” cheryl asks hoarsely, her voice so small and defeated that toni finds herself moving the hand at her back to tuck it under her chin, lifting her gaze to press a kiss right between her eyes.

 

“i’ll be here. always.” toni says softly against her skin. cheryl sighs against her, ducks her head back into toni’s neck as her hand continues moving up and down cheryl’s back soothingly. 

 

it takes a long time for her to fall asleep. the sun has well and truly set, not an inch of daylight in the sky by the time cheryl’s sobs quiet down and her breathing becomes steady, the hand at toni’s back becoming slack as she falls into unconsciousness. toni stays with her just a bit longer, keeps stroking her hair and back to keep her calm before she very slowly and carefully turns her onto her back and grabs the blankets at the foot of the bed. she tucks cheryl in gently, smiles shakily as she wipes away the tears staining her cheeks before she kisses her brow and makes her way towards the door.

 

she’s not surprised to see archie and fred are still there, the both of them looking worse for wear, but they both look up at her appearance, archie with hope in his eyes and fred-

 

fred with a mixture of confusion and what looks like defeat, but…but at least there’s no anger.

 

toni finds herself letting out a sigh of relief as archie stands up from the couch, but toni simply waves him back down with a smile, makes her way over to them and sits herself down on the ground against the tv cabinet, crossing her legs beneath her as she does.

 

if archie or fred find this weird, they don’t say anything.

 

“how is she?” archie asks with a sigh. toni sinks her head back against the cabinet and closes her eyes, purses her lips and takes just a moment to breathe before she smiles and nods.

 

“she’s distraught. but…she’ll be okay.” toni reassures him. archie licks his lips and looks to his father, who grips his shoulder and gives it a gentle squeeze while toni just stares at them in awe.

 

“the fact that you’re both still here, despite everything…you’re the best people i know.” she whispers, shaking her head in disbelief. fred chuckles and looks at her with a smile.

 

“she’s family to us, toni. we care about her, regardless of what’s happened…” fred says softly, and toni blinks back tears and swallows the lump in her throat. 

 

“i’m still trying to wrap my head around everything, but…after seeing how her parents treated her this afternoon, i guess it kind of makes sense why she was repressing her sexuality for so long…” fred says with a frown, looking to archie, who simply nods with distant eyes and a clenched jaw. 

 

“i can’t believe they’ve done this to her. just because of her sexuality? it just…how did i never _see_ how terrible they were to her?” archie whispers, running his fingers through his hair. 

 

“you can’t blame yourself, archie. they put up a good front, and they’ve made cheryl feel small her entire life, there was no way she was gonna confess…” toni says softly.

 

“i still don’t know how you got her to.” archie says with a small smile, looking up at her as toni simply smiles back with a shrug.

 

“part of being a therapist. you learn techniques to get people to open up.” fred sighs and rubs the back of his neck, sinking back into the couch and shaking his head slowly as he does.

 

“i don’t know where exactly we all go from here…” he says simply. archie nods slowly, exchanges a glance with toni before he slaps his father’s knee a couple of times.

 

“we move on as best we can. i still want cheryl in my life, even if we’re not together anymore. she’s been my best friend for eight years, dad, i don’t wanna lose that.” archie says, sadness deep in his tone as fred smiles and grips his son’s shoulder.

 

“there’s nothing wrong with that, son. and you know i’ve seen cheryl like a daughter from day one…if you can move past everything, so can i. it’s just…we can’t let her parents get away with that, disowning her, leaving her with nothing, just because of her sexuality? it isn’t fair!” fred says with a sigh. archie nods in agreement, but toni simply looks up at them with a sad smile.

 

“there’s nothing we can do for now. we just need to support her and help her through it.” she says firmly. archie and fred nod, a few moments of silence falling over all of them before archie rubs his eyes with fatigue.

 

“we’ll probably have to sell this apartment. there’s too many memories here, and the money can help cheryl for a bit while she figures things out…” he says hoarsely. toni feels the guilt grip her, bows her head and uncurls her knees from under her before bending them up and hugging them to her body, resting her chin on top of them with a sigh.

 

“archie…i’m so sorry.” she breathes. she’ll never get over the guilt, god, the guilt of destroying his life-

 

“toni, it’s…it’s okay. i don’t blame either of you, and at least…god, at least cheryl told me the truth pretty much as soon as it happened. it’s not like she cheated on me for months, she let me know straight away. she’s a good person, i know she is, and with how her parents have treated her, it’s no wonder she was too afraid to accept that part of herself, she must’ve been so scared… but you helped her do that, you helped her love herself and honestly…i can’t thank you enough for it.” 

 

toni stares at him in complete and utter shock, unable to process the fact that…

 

“you’re _thanking_ me?” she chokes out barely. archie chuckles and ruffles the back of his head.

 

“i know it’s crazy, but toni…could you imagine how miserable both our lives would be if you had never come along? if we ended up going through with the marriage? god knows how horrible cheryl would feel, and i’d be spending every day wondering what’s wrong with her, and what about our future? it would’ve been a trainwreck…at least now, i…i can move on, find someone who _does_ want that future with me, and she can find someone more…suited to what she likes.” he says, chuckling slightly and sniffling once as toni smiles at him as best as she can.

 

she never even thought of it that way…god, what would’ve happened if cheryl and archie had gone through with the wedding? archie’s right…cheryl would’ve spent the rest of her life being miserable, at least now they both have a chance to be happy…

 

“well, the boys will be happy. at least we don’t have to work around the clock on your vacation home now that there’s no wedding deadline.” fred says weakly. toni’s head snaps up to look at him in surprise as archie simply nods his head in agreement.

 

“right? it’ll be good to-.”

 

“wait, you’re…you’re _still_ willing to work on my home?” toni asks in shock. fred and archie exchange a glance before fred simply shrugs with a smile.

 

“hey, it’s good money, and if archie’s okay with it, than so am i. you’ve been an amazing client, toni. we’re more than happy to keep working on your vacation home if you’re willing to continue working with us.” fred says simply.

 

toni’s speechless.

 

how can they be so okay with the idea of working with the woman who archie’s fiancée cheated with? how is that possible? 

 

“but…i destroyed your relationship, i-.” toni starts with a shaky voice, but archie sighs and rubs his eyes again before shaking his head.

 

“toni, come on, you didn’t destroy _anything._ our relationship was doomed from the second it started! toni…cheryl’s gay, and i can’t change that even if i wanted to. i’m realizing that now, and as much as it hurts, i would rather die than have cheryl stay unhappy for the rest of her life by being with me. i’ll move on eventually, and this pain i feel over it…it’ll pass. but cheryl marrying me and not accepting who she is? that would’ve been a pain that would last forever, and i don’t think i would’ve been able to live with myself, hurting her in that way, even if i wasn’t aware of it.” archie says firmly. toni purses her lips, but before she can say anything, fred actually speaks up, nodding in agreement with archie before he does.

 

“the fact that she spent the last eight years fighting who she was out of fear of what her parents would do to her…that hurts more than anything. and as much as i wish archie wasn’t suffering right now, we both love her like family, something i think she’s never felt in her entire life. i can see why she hesitated in telling archie the truth and letting him go. he was her safety net.” fred says slowly, as if he’s coming to that conclusion himself as he’s saying it. archie nods, looks to his father with concern, but to both their surprise, fred actually smiles and looks to toni before he nods towards the bedroom door cheryl is behind.

 

“look after her, will you? it’s been a long night, and i need to book myself a hotel room. archie and i will come back tomorrow and check on her, and also go over plans for the house and this apartment with the both of you.” fred nods to his son, who sighs and slowly pushes himself up off the couch.

 

“you…you think i should stay here with her? maybe she needs space…” toni asks hoarsely with hesitation, but archie simply shrugs with a smile.

 

“there’s no one else she wants here with her. you keep her calm and you make her happy…two things she needs more than anything right now.” toni licks her lips, and fred chuckles as he stands as well.

 

“stay with her, toni. we’ll be back tomorrow morning.” she simply nods, watches as fred grabs his duffel bag resting on the ground that she didn’t even notice before archie moves to the door to grab his own. archie gives her another small smile before he opens the door for his father, who walks out still looking confused about everything that’s on as archie pauses at the door and looks back at her with worry.

 

“if she needs anything-.”

 

“i’ll call. i promise.” toni says softly. archie smiles again before he nods once at her and closes the door behind them.

 

toni simply sits there for a few moments, trying to soak in the conversation she just had with archie and fred. she doesn’t understand how it’s possible, for two people to be so kind, so willing to keep their hearts open for two people who betrayed them…

 

she’s met a lot of people in her life, she’s never encountered a more loving and forgiving family than the andrews’s. 

 

and if they're capable of forgiving her then maybe...just maybe she's capable of forgiving herself...

 

she swallows thickly, moves to the kitchen and gets herself a glass of water before she drains it dry and pours another one. she walks back to the bedroom, makes her way inside slowly and carefully, making sure she doesn’t wake cheryl as she does, and she rests the glass on the bedside table and looks down at cheryl with concern.

 

she’s still fast asleep, breathing steadily as toni sits down on the bed and simply watches her for a few moments with a smile. she brushes a stray strand away from cheryl’s face, tucks it behind her ear and immediately winces when cheryl groans, her brow furrowing as her eyes slowly blink open.

 

“shit…i’m sorry, cher, i didn’t mean to wake you-.”

 

“s’okay.” cheryl slurs, blinking blearily as toni sighs and grabs the cup of water off the bedside table.

 

“here, drink this, you’re probably so dehydrated.” she croaks out, rubbing an encouraging hand up and down cheryl’s arm as she sits up slowly and takes the water with a trembling hand.

 

“thanks.” she says hoarsely, and toni watches her drain the glass dry before she takes it from her with a smile and places it back on the bedside table.

 

“how are you feeling?” toni asks softly. cheryl’s bottom lip trembles, tears welling in her eyes once again as she looks up at toni in despair.

 

“toni…wh-what am i gonna do? i have no f-family, n-no job, n-no m-money-.”

 

“shh…shh, we’ll worry about that later, cher…right now, just get some rest.” toni coos gently, wiping away her tears with her fingers and watching as cheryl swallows thickly and nods once before she looks up at toni with sad, tear filled eyes.

 

“stay with me, toni…please? i don’t…i d-don’t wanna sleep alone.” she whines. toni hesitates for only the briefest second before she nods and stands up off the bed, shedding her leather jacket and dropping it to the ground as she does. she crawls under the covers and barely opens her arms for a second before cheryl cuddles into them, a choked out sob escaping her when toni envelops her in her embrace and rubs her back soothingly.

 

“i’m here, cheryl…i’m right here, okay? shh…” toni whispers, kissing her brow softly as cheryl clutches her shirt between her fingers and buries her face against toni’s neck, wet tears falling against her skin rapidly the harder cheryl cries against her.

 

and even though toni hates the fact that everything’s fallen apart around the girl she cares so much for…right now she’s thankful.

 

just thankful that there’s people in this world capable of so much forgiveness.

 

and thankful that cheryl finds comfort in her just as much as she finds comfort in cheryl.


	12. isn't the real thing so much better than a dream?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's a sloppy ending but ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
> 
> i'm in official recovery mode i'm pretty sure, i have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, but things are slowly getting better for me the more i push myself to keep moving, so updates are gonna be a little slow while i try to, ya know, walk again and stuff lmao.
> 
> like i've said many times before, keep checking my twitter for updates, and guys, as much as i love you all, please don't keep asking me when i'm updating because at this point, i don't know. i'm just trying to like, make it each day right now, but pain is a thing i feel a lot of right now and it's leaving me with not a lot of time to write, but i'm doing my best and sacrificing a lot of sleep in the process, so ya know...give me some time, eh?
> 
> that being said, this chapter is long and it's quite fluffy because i think everyone needs a break from heartache at the moment lmao, see, i can be nice sometimes.
> 
> twitter: @endofdaysforme
> 
> hit me up on there if you have any questions (other than 'omg pls update') and don't forget to comment, they always make my day!
> 
> bye for now! till next time!

the days go by, and cheryl slowly, but surely, starts to get better.

 

it’s a long week though…a long week of cheryl crying in toni’s arms, or alone in her room, or even in the bathroom during a shower, her mind always wandering back to the fact that she’s lost everything. 

 

that she’s lost her parents, lost her job, lost her twin brother, lost her fiancée… _everything._

 

but the days go by, and she starts to move on.

 

and the only reason she does is because of toni.

 

the girl sticks by her side for the entire goddamn week, doesn’t leave her for even a second, even when cheryl clings to her with desperate whines and whimpers of despair, and cheryl _hates_ that she’s allowed herself to be so goddamn weak in front of toni, but the pink haired says and does nothing but hold her and comfort her, and for that, cheryl is thankful.

 

fred and archie had come by the next day after the incident to check on cheryl, and archie had wanted to bring up selling the apartment, something that had immediately sent cheryl’s heart spiraling into a panic attack, but toni had been the one to ask him to leave it for another day, and cheryl still can’t believe that toni had picked up on her uneasiness and panic almost as soon as cheryl had felt it.

 

the connection between them has only been growing stronger, and cheryl feels like it’s the one good thing to come out of all of this.

 

well, that, and of course, her friends. 

 

josie, betty and jughead had come to visit her a couple of days after everything had happened, and even though they’d expressed complete and utter shock at archie and cheryl announcing that they were no longer together, they had also been more than supportive when cheryl had told them the truth of _why_ they were no longer together. cheryl had been so fucking scared that they’d disown her just like her parents, but instead, they had offered cheryl their undying support.

 

“you’ve been my best friend for years, girl, i’m not leaving just because of that!” josie had exclaimed while betty had chuckled and nodded in agreement.

 

“you’re my cousin, cheryl. we’re with you through thick and thin.”

 

cheryl had actually managed a smile for the first time in days when they’d told her that, and for the first time in a long time, she had hope.

 

hope that she could maybe get through all of this. 

 

after that day, cheryl had slowly but surely started to get a bit better. she went from barely eating and barely moving out of her bed except to use the bathroom, went from crying at all hours of the way to at least being able to move to the living room and watch a bit of tv sometimes while toni held her close.

 

toni, meanwhile, has just been…going through the motions, trying to adapt from doing her best to stay away from cheryl to suddenly spending almost every waking moment with her.

 

toni knew it was going to take time, and knows it’s still going to take more time. it’s only been a week and a half, she doesn’t expect cheryl to spring back from being disowned so quickly. but she can’t help but worry despite cheryl’s clear signs of progress as the days have gone by.

 

toni had gone grocery shopping the other day when it came to her attention that they had been eating nothing but peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for three days straight, but as soon as she’d gotten back and cheryl had begun helping her put the groceries away, cheryl had come across a mug that said ‘best sister’ on it, a gift from jason for her twentieth birthday, and had locked herself in her room and curled back under the covers once more, leaving toni to watch in despair as her body shook with sobs underneath the blankets for hours on end.

 

toni wants to talk to her, try to use her skills as a therapist to get her to open up, but she wants to let cheryl do it in her own time.

 

if she rushes this, there’s a high possibility that cheryl could lash out at her if she tries to bring it up too soon, just like she did when toni tried to talk to her about her sexuality. she could end up just retreating further into her shell, and toni’s terrified that if she does, she just won’t come back. 

 

so she’s waiting it out. because she knows…when cheryl’s ready, she’ll talk about it. 

 

toni sighs deeply, her breath hitting the back of cheryl’s neck and causing the girl to squirm before she grabs toni’s arm around her waist and pulls her closer. it’s been like this for the last week and a half now, cheryl just requesting that toni hold her in bed for just a couple of minutes, which of course, turns into a couple of hours, but toni doesn’t mind it at all. 

 

having cheryl blossom in her arms is something she’s quite sure she’ll never get sick of.

 

toni nuzzles her nose against the back of her head, inhaling the scent of cherry blossom shampoo with a smile before she drops her head to press a kiss to cheryl’s shoulder tenderly. they’ve been in bed for a couple of hours now, just in silence…toni’s still trying to get used to sleeping in a bed that isn’t hers, and sleeping beside someone for the first time in a long time, but cheryl needs her close right now, and toni’s more than happy to adapt for her.

 

cheryl shifts suddenly, and toni frowns and looks down at her in concern.

 

“you okay?” toni croaks out, voice hoarse from lack of use as cheryl simply hums and nods once. 

 

“mmm…what time is it?” cheryl asks softly. toni glances at the clock up on the wall as cheryl grabs the hand around her waist and interlaces their fingers.

 

“almost three.”

 

“in the morning?” cheryl asks in surprise. toni winces at that, looks up at the drawn curtains over her window that are blocking out all source of light into the room before she shakes her head and squeezes her hand.

 

“afternoon, cher…” cheryl blinks once, purses her lips before she swallows thickly and looks up at the closed off window with a sigh.

 

“we should probably open that.” she says simply. toni can’t help but smile.

 

it’s more progress…it’s minimal, but fuck, it’s more progress.

 

“i can do it.” toni says when she goes to shift off the bed, pressing a kiss to her temple as she slowly detangles herself from cheryl and hops off the bed. she rushes to the window, and she looks to cheryl just for confirmation, watches her take a deep breath in before she nods her head.

 

and toni grabs the curtain and pulls it back.

 

almost immediately, as soon as the sunlight filters through the window, cheryl hisses and groans, buries her face into her pillow for a few moments before she looks up at toni and blinks rapidly. toni chuckles despite herself before she makes her way back over to cheryl, who whines and buries her face into toni’s lap as soon as she sits down on the bed. toni smiles, brushes her fingers through cheryl’s hair to calm her down a little as cheryl sighs against her tiredly.

 

the redhead feels terrible. her head is sore, has been for a week now, and her body is aching, but god, she’s tired of all of this. she’s so tired of crying in front of toni, of weeping in front of her and grieving…

 

“i can’t stay in here wallowing forever.” she whispers. toni rubs her back soothingly, nods in agreement as cheryl looks up at her with sad eyes and a trembling bottom lip.

 

“no, you can’t.” toni says with a sad smile down to her. cheryl blinks back tears before she nods slowly.

 

“i’m gonna be okay…right?” she whispers, just needing some form of reassurance that things are going to be _okay._

 

toni’s heart breaks, but she pushes down her own anguish at seeing someone she cares about like this as she leans down to press a kiss to cheryl’s brow with a shaky sigh.

 

“of course you are, cher. you’re gonna be just fine, i promise.” she whispers back. cheryl blinks again, tears leaking out of the corners of her eyes as she shakes her head.

 

“it’s losing jason that hurts more than anything…he’s my twin brother, toni. and he just walked away…my parents have their claws in him so deep, it’s hard to watch. even harder to process…” she croaks out, sniffing back her tears and adjusting herself until she’s resting the back of her head on toni’s thigh, her hand gripping toni’s and playing with her fingers in an effort to distract herself and avoid eye contact.

 

“mmm…i’m glad you’re seeing it that way though, cheryl. you know he wouldn’t hurt you intentionally.” toni murmurs, using her free hand to brush her fingers through cheryl’s hair. the red head simply nods, purses her lips and keeps her eyes on toni’s fingers as she lets out a deep breath.

 

“i know…but he still chose his position with the company over having a relationship with me.” she says, her voice shaking slightly as toni herself tries to wrap her mind around what cheryl’s twin brother has done.

 

she kind of understands where jason is coming from...his job at the company was his whole life, clearly…his source of income, his reason for living in los angeles, it makes sense for him to not want to let that go, but for him to just walk away without saying anything to cheryl? without any reassurance that maybe, one day, he’ll reach out?

 

“he’ll come around, baby, don’t worry.” toni says softly, not really thinking about her words, her mind still on jason when cheryl suddenly sits up and looks at her in surprise.

 

“‘baby’?” she says simply, a smile slowly creeping onto her face. toni blinks once, surprised at herself more than anything before she chuckles and smiles apologetically.

 

“i…sorry, i shouldn’t of-.”

 

“no, it’s…it’s okay. it…it makes me smile. _you_ make me smile.” cheryl interrupts, reaching a hand up to tuck a lock of hair behind her ear gently. toni watches her for a few moments before she grips her wrist and scratches her nails down her forearm soothingly.

 

“we should talk about your parents and jason, cher…” she croaks out. as much as she wants to hold on to this nice moment, she doesn’t want cheryl to lose the courage to talk about her family. cheryl purses her lips before she nods slowly, because she _does_ want to talk about it, and she bites down on her bottom lip before looking at toni sheepishly.

 

“can we talk about it over breakfast?” she asks with a smile. toni contemplates it for a moment, ponders if cheryl’s attempting to distract and divert, but she’s gripping toni’s hand tightly as if she does truly want to talk about it, so she chuckles and simply nods once.

 

“okay…yeah, sure.” 

 

“thank you.” cheryl smiles, voice small, and toni hesitates before she brushes her thumb over cheryl’s cheekbone gently.

 

“can i kiss you?” she asks softly, her heart pounding against her chest wildly when cheryl inhales sharply before she smiles and nods. toni leans in slowly, giving cheryl the chance to back out, but the red head leans in the rest of the way before toni can and captures toni’s bottom lip between her own. toni feels her entire body shudder at the feeling, her spine almost uncurling and goosebumps rising on her skin as she parts her lips further with a gasp to pull cheryl in, kissing her almost desperately as her hands grip her face. 

 

_she’s worth it…she’s worth whatever the hell this costs me…_

 

cheryl’s the first to pull away, forehead resting against toni’s as she takes a deep breath in against her, and toni grips her elbows to keep her steady with a smile before she pulls away to look into her eyes.

 

but cheryl still has them closed, is still breathing deeply as toni tucks a lock of hair behind her ear.

 

“cheryl?” she asks quietly. cheryl licks her lips, her eyes slowly flickering open as she looks at toni with this expression the pink haired girl can’t read.

 

“am i ever gonna get used to that?” she whispers, trying to wrap her mind around how her body is still tingling despite the fact that toni’s lips aren’t touching hers anymore.

 

“get used to what?” toni asks in confusion. cheryl lets out a shaky breath before she scoffs almost in disbelief, her fingers playing with toni’s once more.

 

“the way it feels…the way it feels so _right._ kissing you, even just being around you…” cheryl says slowly, each word carrying purpose as she looks at toni with that same look that toni can’t quite pick apart.

 

but she definitely understands. because she feels the same way.

 

she’s only had a handful of relationships in her past, none of them moving past six months because of toni’s lack of ability to really connect with them. being a therapist, it’s kind of hard not to analyze the person you’re with and try to read them, and every time she did, it resulted in anger and confusion as to _why_ she was doing it. 

 

with cheryl, it’s different. everything just _clicks._ toni can’t explain it, and it drives her kind of mad, because she spent years studying everything there is to know about the human brain and about human emotions, but when it comes to cheryl, when it comes to this connection they have…she just _can’t_ explain it. 

 

“i feel the same way.” toni says simply, smiling as cheryl bites own on her lip to stop herself from smiling before she surges forward to give toni a quick peck on the lips. toni can see how much she’s blushing, like she’s shy, but toni knows it’s because she’s just still getting used to…well, _this._

 

kissing a girl, _wanting_ to kiss a girl…it’s still new for her. 

 

“come on, let’s go get breakfast ready, and then we can talk a little more about how you’re feeling, okay?” cheryl purses her lips and nods, and toni shuffles off the bed and holds her hand out, which cheryl takes with a smile.

 

they make their way to the kitchen, and toni immediately sits cheryl down at the stool behind the kitchen counter before she moves to the fridge. she looks inside, grabs a carton of eggs before cheryl suddenly sighs loudly, causing her to poke her head up to look at her with a raised eyebrow.

 

“everything okay?” she asks softly. cheryl licks her lips before she shakes her head, and breakfast is pushed to the back of toni’s mind as she closes the fridge and makes her way over to her.

 

“alright, breakfast can wait for a second. first thing’s first. your parents…” toni says with a frown, leaning across the counter to grip cheryl’s hands in her own. cheryl sighs and sinks slightly in her seat, but squeezes toni’s hands back with a sad smile.

 

“i don’t know how i feel about it all, toni. i’m upset about my parents, but…they spent my entire life hurting me. losing them doesn’t hurt as much as losing jason does. and my job, even though i hated it, gave me good money, gave me a stable and secure future. i don’t know, it’s just hard, coming to terms with the fact that everything’s _changed._ ” 

 

cheryl pauses, unsure how to articulate what she’s feeling as toni simply watches her intently. 

 

“a little over a month ago, i had everything planned out. i’d marry archie, move up in the company, keep mom and dad happy and now…everything’s done a complete one eighty and it’s all so uncertain for me. it freaks me out, not knowing what my future holds.” cheryl says shakily, looking down at toni’s hands and playing with her fingers in an attempt to distract herself from the pain.

 

everything’s just changed so goddamn quickly…

 

toni takes a few moments to process her words as she tries to think of a way to respond. 

 

she almost immediately clicks, knows that having an unknown future isn’t what’s truly freaking cheryl out right now, but she doesn’t want to say it in a way that might make the girl upset, so she takes a few moments before she finally answers.

 

“i don’t think it’s not knowing that freaks you out, cheryl. i think it’s finally having _control_ over it that’s making you feel so unsure.” cheryl looks at her in shock, blinks a few times as toni smiles at her softly.

 

“your whole life has been dictated by your parents, by what they wanted you to do, and how they wanted you to behave and act, and then you turned eighteen, and your life started to revolve around archie and your relationship with him and where that would go. for the first time…it’s about _you_ , cheryl. and it’s okay to be scared about it.” toni tells her firmly. cheryl swallows thickly, tears springing to her eyes as she bows her head and nods slowly.

 

“i think you might be right, actually.” she whispers. toni sighs and makes her way over to her, moving around the counter and taking the seat beside her before gripping her shoulder and giving it a reassuring squeeze as she does.

 

“it’s all about centering yourself, cher. taking the time to sit down with your thoughts and try to pick them apart, work on one thing at a time.” cheryl sighs and looks up at her with a small shake of her head.

 

“how can i do that when my brain is so scattered all the time, toni?” cheryl asks desperately. toni swallows the lump in her throat, unsure of what to say. 

 

“i’ll help however i can. i promise.” she says instead. cheryl smiles sadly before she suddenly leans forward in her seat and wraps her arms around toni tightly, pulling her into a hug that toni happily reciprocates with a chuckle, rubbing her back soothingly as she does.

 

“hey…deep breaths, okay? i’m here…” cheryl sighs against her heavily, doesn’t pull back, simply buries her face into toni’s shoulder with a whine.

 

“i don’t know how i would’ve survived this last week without you.” she whispers, voice slightly muffled as toni runs her fingers through her hair with a smile.

 

“you would’ve been just fine. you’re stronger than you think you are, cheryl blossom.” toni murmurs. 

 

it’s quiet for a few moments, the both of them simply wrapped up in each other’s embrace before toni pulls back and brushes away the stray tears from cheryl’s cheeks with a reassuring smile.

 

“i can’t tell you what jason’s thinking, cher…but i can tell you that you’re not alone, okay? we’re all gonna be here for you, no matter what.” toni tells her. cheryl licks her lips, nods a couple of times before she grips toni’s hands on her face and lets out a deep breath.

 

“i know…” she looks around the apartment wistfully, remembers her conversation with archie about a week ago about selling the place…

 

cheryl has no idea why the suggestion of it knocked the wind completely out of her, but the second those words had left archie’s mouth, cheryl had found herself running straight for the bathroom, choking up nothing but bile as toni had rushed in after her and held her hair back with a sigh.

 

she knows archie’s right. cheryl can’t afford this place on her own without a job right now, and the money will do wonders to help her survive until she _does_ find a job, but this…this has been her home for five years. her home with _archie._

 

even though their relationship is over, the idea of losing this place makes her want to cry. she _loves_ this place, and she loves the memories she has in this apartment with her best friend…

 

but he’s right. she knows he is. 

 

“saying goodbye to this place is gonna be hard…” she croaks out. toni rests their intertwined hands in her lap, thumb rubbing over her knuckles softly.

 

“you don’t have to think about that right now, cher…” 

 

“i do, though, toni…i can’t keep putting it off. and i need the money, now…now that i have nothing to my name…it’ll help me for a little while, at least until i find a job.” cheryl says anxiously, nails slightly digging into toni’s palms, but the girl says nothing as cheryl blinks back tears and lets out a shaky breath.

 

“god, where am i even gonna stay? i could stay with josie, maybe, but she’s never home, and i don’t like the idea of being alone right now-.” 

 

“or…you could stay with me?” toni says suddenly.

 

cheryl’s heart stops beating. she looks up at toni in shock, speechless to say anything, numb to even move as toni watches her expression and suddenly looks at her in horror.

 

“i…that was a dumb idea, i’m sorry-.”

 

“no, i…toni, are you serious?” cheryl interrupts, trying to wrap her mind around the idea of _living_ with toni when the pink haired girl purses her lips and simply shrugs.

 

“well…yeah, cher. i have a spare bedroom, you can take it for the time being until you find your own place.” 

 

oh.

 

oh, well that’s a little bit different…not exactly _better_ , but different. 

 

“you want me to move in with you?” cheryl says slowly, still taking her time to fully process toni’s idea here as the therapist bites down on her bottom lip anxiously.

 

“i…not _move in_ , just…stay for a while. until you sort things out.” toni says simply, like it’s the easiest thing in the world and not something that’s sending cheryl into a total panic for reasons she can’t explain, unaware that toni’s currently chastising herself for even saying anything.

 

it just came out of her like fucking word vomit, but they are _friends_ too at the end of the day, two friends can live together, can’t they?

 

_no, you idiot, you complete and utter idiot-_

 

“cheryl, i’m sorry, i shouldn’t have said anything-.” toni starts, but cheryl grips her hand again and gives it a gentle squeeze.

 

“n-no, toni, it’s…i want to.” she breathes. toni’s heart stops beating for a second before it picks up in speed again.

 

“you do?” she somehow manages to squeak out, and cheryl almost finds it hilarious, that this girl that she’s always known as being so confident is suddenly so unsure of herself.

 

“well, yeah. you’re kind of the only person who makes me feel better about all of this. i just…i don’t want to invade your personal space-.” cheryl starts, but toni shakes her head furiously.

 

“you won’t be! like i said, there’s a spare bedroom, you’ll just be like…a temporary roommate.” toni says firmly. cheryl bites down on her bottom lip to stop herself from smirking.

 

“right…a roommate.” 

 

a roommate that she can’t seem to control herself around, a roommate that she occasionally kisses, a roommate that also used to be her therapist…

 

toni’s soft chuckle pulls her out of her thoughts.

 

“something to think about. now come on, let’s have breakfast and talk about how you’re feeling.” 

 

and despite cheryl's mind still spinning, toni's words and the feeling of her warm hand in her own has her smiling and pushing it all to the back of her mind as she purses her lips and nods once.

 

"okay...let's do it."

 

\--------------------

 

“alright, i think that’s everything done!”

 

archie stands up straight, groaning loudly as the joints in his back pop loudly before he wipes at the sweat dripping down his brow and chuckles at the sight of cheryl huffing air to blow away the stray strands of red hair stuck to her sweaty skin before she continues scrubbing the sink down vigorously.

 

“are you sure? the bathroom-.”

 

“done!” archie calls out with a grin, wiping off one last speck of dust from the tv cabinet with a flourish.

 

“the balcony?”

 

“swiped it clean! also saw a bunch of cigarette smoke, which is weird…” archie murmurs, still not quite sure where all that ash had come from, his pondering's forcing him to miss the way cheryl winces before she ducks her head further into the sink with reddening cheeks.

 

“uh…what about the-.”

 

“cheryl, everything’s done!” archie laughs as he makes his way over to his best friend, shaking his head at the way she sighs and grips the counter top before she begins washing down the sink from soap with the nozzle attached to the tap.

 

“okay, but there better not be a speck of dust on anything-.”

 

“there won’t be! now come on, finish up, the pizza should be here soon!” he says, clapping his hands excitedly at the prospect of food, a sentiment cheryl can’t help but agree with. they’ve been cleaning the apartment all goddamn day, and cheryl’s whole body is aching, but the place actually looks spotless, ready for viewings tomorrow by potential buyers or renters. 

 

she still can’t believe they’re actually doing this, but it’s not like they have much of a choice at this point. cheryl has no money to her name and as much as archie loves this place, it’s painful for the both of them to be here knowing this is the home they had planned to build their future on.

 

and maybe letting it go can help them both move on from all of this…

 

"archie...are we sure we're making the right choice here?" cheryl as softly, wiping down the countertop of any water as archie sighs and simply nods in her peripheral vision.

 

"of course we are, cheryl. you need the money and this place...it was our place _together._ there's too many memories, you know? i think it'll help us both if we leave it behind." he says simply, his eyes looking just a little less pained as cheryl pauses and looks up at him with a smile and a reassuring nod.

 

he's right...she knows he is, it just hurts to let it all go. as much as she was miserable in the relationship, archie never treated her badly, never hurt her, always worshipped her and loved her and cared for her...letting go of that relationship is hard regardless of any way she felt about him. 

 

but he's right, and toni's right and she knows this is what she needs to do to keep pushing forward.

 

she’s just gotta keep cleaning, make sure everything is absolutely spotless-

 

there’s a knock at the door before archie grins widely and jumps up from where he’s leaning on the kitchen counter, rushing towards the door and opening it-

 

pink hair and a wide grin greets him.

 

“you ordered a pizza?” she says in a deep, low voice, one that has archie laughing loudly before he grins and looks back at cheryl with a smirk.

 

“hey, cheryl, the pizza delivery chick is pretty hot, come check it out!” cheryl rolls her eyes before she finishes rinsing off the sink and takes off the rubber gloves, leaving them inside it and making her way to the living room where archie flops down onto the couch with one of the boxes of pizza, already opening it and grabbing a slice before shoving it into his mouth hungrily and turning on the tv.

 

toni smiles softly as cheryl makes her way over to her, taking the second pizza box from her hands as toni sheds her jacket and throws it over the back of the couch.

 

“how’s the cleaning going?” toni asks, simply brushing her hand up and down cheryl’s forearm, sparing archie the sight of them being any more intimate than that as cheryl makes her way to the kitchen to grab them plates with her body still buzzing at toni's touch, something she thinks she'll never actually get used to because _fuck_ , it still hasn't stopped after _so many weeks-_

 

“i think we’re done…i gotta check the bathroom to make sure archie did a thorough job-.”

 

“i did!” archie calls out, voice slightly muffled from the mouthful of pizza he’s talking through as toni laughs and looks back at him with amusement before looking back at cheryl with a raised eyebrow as the redhead shrugs.

 

“but other than that, yeah…all done.” cheryl taps her nails on the counter five times as toni opens up the pizza box, and toni glances down at her nails with a frown for a moment before she looks up at cheryl with a smile.

 

“well, once you guys secure a buyer, we can work on packing everything, and you can leave it at my place until you find your own. you can stay for as long as you want, cher.” she says softly. cheryl smiles, leans over the counter and strokes her thumb over toni’s knuckles, one again, five times because she _has to._

 

after a few days of thinking, cheryl had finally decided to take toni up on her offer. it's still a thought that's a little daunting, moving in to toni's apartment, and she's been looking at listings and nearby apartments online since she and archie agreed that they should sell the place, not wanting to be too long of a burden on toni's shoulders. she'll move out within the month, she can do that at least...

but in the meantime-

 

“thank you, toni. for letting me stay with you-.”

 

“oh, you’re…you’re staying with toni?” 

 

cheryl looks up with a gasp and yanks her hands away from toni as archie makes his way to the kitchen holding the pizza box in his hands, a look of surprise on his face as he looks back and forth between them sheepishly. cheryl swallows thickly and tries to stop her heart from racing as she purses her lips and nods once.

 

ugh, she really didn't want archie to know that...

 

“uh…yeah, just until i find a place of my own.” she says quickly, watching with nothing but guilt flooding her as archie bows his head and chews on the inside of his cheek, setting the pizza box onto the counter top beside the other box as he does.

 

“right…right, yeah, i…i guess, you do need a place to stay, just thought…thought maybe you’d stay with josie or something, but it’s probably better if you don’t-.” archie mumbles a little incoherently, his cheeks turning redder by the second as toni suddenly sighs and reaches out to grip his elbow.

 

“archie, we’re not like, moving in together or anything, i’m just giving cheryl a place to stay for a while, we’re not…we’re not-.” 

 

“no, no! it’s fine! seriously, it’s totally okay, you need a roof over your head, cheryl, and besides, it’s kind of none of my business where you decide to stay and who you decide to date, i’m not your fiancé anymore…” archie says with a scoff. cheryl feels her heart ache, but also feels it clench at the word ‘date’, because her and toni haven’t exactly discussed what they even are yet-

 

_one thing at a time please, cheryl, comfort him…_

 

she sighs before she reaches out and takes archie’s hand into her own, pizza grease stains and all, and gives it a gentle squeeze.

 

“you’re still my best friend, arch…and i still love you. but i do need somewhere to stay, and toni offered her place, i wasn’t gonna turn her down.” she whispers. archie looks up at her with a smile at that, his expression softening as he licks his lips and nods again in agreement.

 

“no, i know, cheryl…i know, it just kinda shocked me, that’s all. but you’re right, we’re still best friends, which means i support you no matter what.” he says firmly, grinning widely as cheryl grins back at him. he hums before he claps his hands together and looks to toni with a smile.

 

“you just gotta promise me you’ll look after her.” he says softly, this certain something in his tone making tears well in cheryl’s eyes, because she _knows_ he doesn’t just mean in terms of them being in the same household, and toni seems to get the same vibe, because she smiles sadly and simply nods.

 

“i will, archie. i promise.” she says hoarsely.

 

archie’s grin widens as he grabs a couple more slices of pizza and makes his way back to the living room, flopping down onto the couch with an almost final nod to himself as he does.

 

cheryl smiles fondly at him, wonders how she got so lucky to have such a forgiving person in her life before she grabs two slices of pizza and nods towards the living room. toni chuckles before she grabs a few slices herself, throws them onto her plate and joins them.

 

they watch tv for about an hour before archie eventually decides it’s time to go, stretching out on the couch before he jumps up to press a kiss to cheryl’s forehead, promising her he’ll be here bright and early for the first viewing.

 

“thanks for today, archie.” cheryl says regardless of the fact that she knows she’s gonna be cleaning the places he cleaned again _just to make sure_ , and archie simply smiles and gives toni a nod before he grabs his jacket.

 

as soon as he’s gone, cheryl finds herself collapsing into toni on the couch with a tired sigh as the pink haired girl chuckles and wraps her arms around her.

 

“tired?” she asks, running her fingers through cheryl’s hair gently.

 

“mmm…but i have to go over the bathroom and the balcony again.” cheryl grumbles, rubbing at her itchy eyes as toni cocks an eyebrow at her.

 

“didn’t archie do them already?”

 

“exactly.” cheryl deadpans. toni rolls her eyes, but says nothing for a while, cheryl completely unaware of what toni’s thinking about as she dozes off against her.

 

toni’s noticed it over the last few days since she and archie made the final decision to put the apartment up for sale. her ocd is getting worse, extending past just knocking or pressing buttons five times and into making sure everything was neat and tidy, to the point where toni watches right now as cheryl suddenly moves her foot over the coffee table with a grunt to adjust the pizza box that’s hanging a little over the edge of it until the corners match the edge of the glass. 

 

she knows exactly why this is happening. it's a coping mechanism, something that gives cheryl control over the constantly spiraling chaos in her life, and she wants to say something, but it’s no longer her place to. she’s not cheryl’s therapist anymore, she can’t say a damn thing about it…but someone else can.

 

“cheryl…have you considered booking a second appointment with veronica?” toni asks roughly, voice hoarse as cheryl blinks once in surprise and looks up at her with a raised eyebrow.

 

“mmm, no…i haven’t, actually. it's not that she was bad or anything i just...haven't really thought about it, with everything going on...” she says with a frown. toni simply rubs her back and looks down at her with a smile.

 

“you should. a lot has happened since you last saw her, it’ll be good for her to help you unpack everything, and to get the perspective of someone outside of the situation, you know?” toni says firmly, watching as cheryl shifts uncomfortably against her and buries her face into toni’s neck with a sigh.

 

“i guess…” she grumbles. toni can’t help but laugh, her head moving slightly until her lips are resting over cheryl’s brow, and it’s quiet for a while before toni slowly adjusts them until she’s lying on the couch with cheryl’s body pressed on top of hers gently, her hands still skating up and down cheryl’s back soothingly.

 

“cher? what’s on your mind?” toni asks hoarsely. cheryl sighs heavily, her arms coming up to wrap around toni’s shoulders as she rests her cheek against toni’s collarbone.

 

“i just…i’d rather you just be my therapist again, toni.” cheryl murmurs, her hold tightening when toni inhales sharply, causing both their bodies to move before she exhales and brings a hand up to brush it over cheryl’s cheek with her eyes planted firmly on the ceiling.

 

god, toni wishes more than anything that she _could be_ , but it’s absolutely impossible at this point, and she knows that…

 

“cheryl, i’m already breaking like a hundred legal codes already just being in the same room as you, not to mention having you live in my apartment with me for the time being…” toni says in a low voice, her heart breaking when she hears cheryl whine as she tightens her hold on toni slightly.

 

silence takes over once again, and toni feels cheryl’s nails dig into her skin for a moment before she pulls back and looks up at toni with nothing but concern and worry in her eyes.

 

“toni, could you really lose your job over this?” she whispers. toni lets out a loud sigh, part of her not wanting to tell the truth, but lying to cheryl blossom is an impossibility for her at this point.

 

“it’s…it’s possible. but no one at the office knows yet-.”

 

“good. so no one can find out then.” cheryl interrupts firmly, nodding her head once as toni lets out a soft laugh before she tucks a lock of red hair behind cheryl’s ear tenderly with a sad smile.

 

“cher…doctors aren’t supposed to start relationships with their patients…it’s wrong. on so many levels.” toni says softly, the guilt beginning to eat her up inside like it has been for over seven weeks now since she first laid eyes on cheryl and felt the butterflies in her stomach that indicated nothing but trouble lay ahead.

 

toni was never good at taking warning signs. not when it came to pretty girls…and cheryl blew all of them right out of the water. 

 

cheryl stares at her with wide eyes before she pushes herself up a little to look at toni incredulously.

 

“we haven’t started anything! we haven’t made anything official yet, and…and we’re friends, remember? friends are allowed to hug each other…and kiss each other…and you know, go places together and stuff.” cheryl says slowly, a sheepish smile taking over her face, and toni belches out a loud laugh, her fingers skating up and down cheryl’s spine as she looks at her with nothing but amusement.

 

“that’s true…but i still violated the code, cheryl.” she says, her amusement quickly fading, replaced with worry and guilt and also sadness.

 

sadness at the look in cheryl’s eyes as she looks into toni’s. because cheryl should never look anything but happy and right now, she looks worried, concerned for toni, for her job, for her future…

 

“hey…hey, cher, it’s okay, i’ll be fine, i promise. no one in that office needs to know my business outside it, they won’t find out, alright? everything’s gonna be okay.” toni reassures quickly, her hand moving up to cradle cheryl’s cheek, thumb brushing over the bone with a smile as cheryl simply bites down on her bottom lip for a few moments before nodding.

 

“okay…” she says simply, not at all sounding reassured as her head crashes back down against toni’s chest. her arms tighten around her slightly, as if she’s afraid of letting her go, and toni finds herself subconsciously doing the same, a shaky sigh escaping her as she lets herself bask in the moment.

 

cheryl, meanwhile, tries her best not to focus on the idea of toni losing her job over all of this, but she can’t seem to get the image out of her mind of police officers bursting into toni’s office and slapping cuffs on her if they were ever discovered. it’s not like they’ve thrown a label on what they have just yet, for which cheryl is _thankful_ , because she’s quite sure she’s not ready to do so with everything else going on right now, but the threat still looms over them like a dark cloud.

 

she can’t possibly be arrested for this, can she? it’s not like cheryl’s fucking underage, she’s an adult, there’s nothing wrong with what they’re doing, it's all one hundred, no, one _thousand_ percent consensual-

 

“mmm, speaking of going places with each other…” toni says suddenly, pulling cheryl out of her thoughts as she looks up at toni in confusion before the pink haired girl grins back at her cheekily.

 

“cheryl…would you do me the honor of letting me take you out on a date tomorrow night?” 

 

cheryl’s heart goes into free fall. 

 

she’s positive toni can feel how hard it’s thumping from how tightly their bodies are pressed together, because she chuckles and watches her with amusement as she licks her lips and simply stares at the pink haired girl in surprise for a few moments.

 

“a…a date?” she manages to croak out, her body beginning to tremble slightly as she finds herself tapping toni’s forearm five times because she _has to-_

 

toni lets her, a soft hum escaping her as she simply shrugs against cheryl, like it’s the easiest thing in the world.

 

cheryl hasn’t been on a date in almost ten fucking years. what is she supposed to do? how is she supposed to behave? what…oh god, what if she’s horrible at it and toni tells her to forget about everything, that she made a mistake, that she doesn’t like cheryl anymore because she’s a terrible date-

 

“we don’t have to if you don’t want to…but i thought it’d be nice, to get your mind off things and for the both of us to just do something normal, considering everything about our situation right now is so _far_ from it.” toni says with a sigh, eyebrows knitting together with worry when cheryl finds herself tapping her foot against the end of the couch five times now-

 

“cheryl…hey, i’m sorry, i didn’t mean to make you nervous or scare you-.”

 

“n-no, you d-didn’t!” cheryl manages to squeak out. she _does_ want to go on a date with toni, god, of course she does, but what if she screws _everything_ up?

 

“cher?” toni whispers after a few moments of silence, and cheryl hesitates before she licks her lips and simply nods.

 

_be brave, take the plunge…she’s worth it, cheryl. she’s really fucking worth it._

 

“yeah, toni. i’d love to go on a date with you.”

 

\---------------------

 

**toni topaz [19:21]**   
_waiting downstairs. come down whenever you’re ready xo_

 

cheryl chews on her bottom lip to stop herself from smiling, her heart fucking _pounding_ as she fluffs her hair in the mirror once more and takes a few deep breaths in. 

 

everything’s going to be okay…she just needs to be herself, she knows that, but fuck, she can’t help how nervous she is right now. 

 

she has no idea what toni has planned, has barely spoken to her all day, too busy with the apartment viewings to text her asking her what this date tonight was going to consist of. part of her finds it exciting, and another part of her finds it terrifying.

 

all of this is so goddamn fucking new to her…going on a date with a girl, _dating_ in general, not having every little thing planned out, having everything be so goddamn uncertain, it’s throwing her for a loop, and she doesn’t really know to wrap her brain around it, but toni had taught her something last night that’s been running through her mind all day.

 

_“when everything gets too much, cher…when your brain won’t shut up and it feels like everything’s kind of crashing down around you and the noise in your head gets overwhelming, all you’ve gotta do is anchor yourself. close your eyes, take a few deep breaths, and just **think of something else.** anything else. eat something and try to pick apart the ingredients and the flavors in the food…find something, an object or a piece of fabric, and try to name all the different shades of colors in it. look at the wall or the ceiling and point out all the little dents and scratches and count them, just **do** something that keeps your mind occupied, something that anchors you and brings you back to center.” _

 

cheryl finds herself reaching for one of her makeup brushes with a trembling hand, picking it up and staring down at it in concentration as she takes in all the different colors.

 

the handle is dark brown, mixed in with dark red in the grooves of it with the brand name stamped in this nice golden color that cheryl finds herself staring at in wonder, because it’s not gold, but it’s not yellow, either. it’s some strange color in between, because it doesn’t match the gold metal separating the wood from the bristles of the brush itself, the color of it stark white mixed in with a slightly beige powder stain from her makeup-

 

center.

 

she smiles, her eyes fluttering closed as she gives herself a once over in the mirror and nods.

she can do this. 

 

toni had told her to dress casually, so that’s exactly what she’d done. she’s wearing simple black skinny jeans and a red crop top, lips covered in red lipstick and her hair curled as she grabs her tube of lipstick with a smile.

 

she grabs her purse and makes sure she has everything: keys to the apartment, her wallet, shoves her phone and the lipstick into it before fluffing her hair one last time and making her way out of her bedroom. 

 

she looks around the apartment with a smile before making her way to the door and exiting, locking it and making her way to the elevator, slamming the lobby button down five times because _she has to._

 

she can’t believe that worked, god, toni knows so much about all of this, about emotions and centering yourself, cheryl’s never been more thankful for her…

 

as soon as the elevator doors open, she makes her way to the front entrance, can see toni waiting on her motorbike just through the window-

 

cheryl can’t help but smile as she pushes the front door open and steps out into the cool air. toni’s head snaps up at the sound, two helmets resting in her lap as she grins widely. she’s wearing simple jeans and a grey shirt, a flannel tied around her waist and a leather jacket around her shoulders, so similar to the way cheryl had first seen her in riverdale all those goddamn weeks ago, a bandana in her hair which holds back her hair from her face, which falls in perfect pink waves over her shoulders… 

 

she’s perfect. in every way…and for the first time ever, cheryl feels any ounce of anxiety and nerves just _leave her._

 

it’s toni. god, there’s nothing to be nervous about…because it’s fucking _toni._

 

toni, whose grin widens as she holds one of the helmets in her hands up to cheryl immediately.

 

cheryl stops short with hesitation. she fucking knew they’d end up taking toni’s bike, and as much as part of her is terrified, today has been a plethora of ‘taking the plunge’ moments.

 

having strangers walk through her apartment, taking in the personal photos on her walls and the clothes in her closet, walking into different areas without any idea of the memories in those places, like when archie had gotten drunk at his friend’s bachelor party and had thrown up in the corner next to the tv, had been sad, but cheryl knew it was needed.

 

because they found a buyer today, someone who was very interested in purchasing the apartment for quite the sizeable nest egg, and despite the success of finding someone willing to buy the apartment off them, it had also been a learning process, and a moment of bravery.

 

time to take another one. 

 

she takes the helmet without complaint, letting out a shaky breath as toni smiles softly at her and suddenly stands up from where she’s leaning against the bike, eyes moving up and down cheryl’s body almost in awe.

 

“hey…fuck, you look _beautiful,_ cheryl.” she says, voice raspy as it always is, sending a shiver right up cheryl’s spine at the sound of it.

 

“thank you, toni. you look quite dashing yourself.” cheryl says with a smile. toni chuckles, and cheryl watches her curiously before she smiles somewhat nervously.

 

“so…where are we going?” cheryl asks, watching as toni takes the helmet from her hands and places it over her head. it’s heavy, cheryl wincing slightly despite herself before toni clicks it shut under her chin and adjusts the strap so it isn’t loose.

 

“it’s a surprise. you trust me, right?” toni says with a smirk, and cheryl nods without hesitation, because of course she trusts toni. 

 

she’s helped her with too much at this point to not be trustworthy. 

 

“good…hop on then.” toni moves to straddle her bike once more, clipping on her own helmet as cheryl fixes her bag over her body and steps closer, taking a deep breath in before she places one hand on toni’s shoulder and swings her leg over the bike, plopping herself down on it slowly. she squeezes toni’s shoulder subconsciously before her hand slides down her back and moves to wrap around her waist, the excitement taking her over before she can help it.

 

toni rests a hand on the forearm around her waist, giving it a reassuring squeeze before she’s placing the keys into the ignition.

 

the bike sparks to life beneath cheryl’s body, causing her to gasp and a heat to rise in her cheeks when she feels the vibrations hit her in a certain way she wasn’t expecting.

 

_fuck, whoa…_

 

cheryl squirms slightly in her seat, unbeknownst to the way toni smirks underneath her helmet at the feeling of cheryl shifting behind her, because she knows _exactly_ why she’s doing so as she chuckles under her breath and leans forward slightly, kicking the stand up and leaning slightly more on her right leg before turning her head to look back at cheryl.

 

“lift your feet!” she shouts over the rumbling of the bike.

 

“wh-what?” cheryl manages to get out, her fingers gripping toni’s jacket as the pink haired girl taps her thigh gently.

 

“there’s pegs for you to rest your feet on! lift your feet!” toni says with a laugh. cheryl purses her lips before she lifts her feet, her toes making contact with something hard that she quickly places her feet on, and as soon as she’s stable, toni checks the side mirror, concludes no one’s coming and flips her visor down before she revs the bike.

 

as soon as it takes off, cheryl’s swallowing the bile that rises in her throat down, her body leaning in closer to toni and gripping her almost violently as she squeezes her eyes shut despite herself. she buries her face into the middle of toni’s back, legs squeezing the bike because she’s terrified of being thrown off, fuck, this is _insane-_

 

she can feel toni laughing, the vibrations from her chest causing her back to shake against cheryl as the red head groans and squeezes her in reprimand, but toni must think it’s more out of fear, because she slows the bike down just a little to give cheryl a bit of a reprieve, which she’s ultimately thankful for. it helps the queasiness in her stomach at least…

 

cheryl keeps her eyes closed for most of the journey, her stomach flipping every time she opens her eyes and sees the world zipping past her in a blur of city lights and different colored cars, so she focuses instead on the warmth of the toni’s body against her own, on the feeling of her leather jacket against her cheek and the material between her fingers until miraculously, almost ten minutes later…toni slows to a stop.

 

the bike begins to taper off in its rumbling beneath her body as the wheels come to a stop, and cheryl feels the bike straighten out before the vibrations suddenly stop altogether.

 

her ears ring slightly from the sudden dead silence before soft fingers grip her wrists, gently attempting to pry them from around toni’s waist with a chuckle.

 

“we’re here, cher, you can let go now.” toni says with amusement dripping from her tone. cheryl swallows thickly and slowly but surely leans back off toni, unclasping her arms from around the pink haired girl and wincing at the way her arms throb from being so stiff for the almost fifteen minute drive before she places her feet off the pegs and onto the ground and finally opens her eyes.

 

they’re in some almost empty parking lot, a building up ahead of them, and her legs are trembling, of course, leaving her not quite sure if she’s even going to be able to get off the damn bike before toni’s swinging her own leg off it, standing and ripping her helmet off. she shakes her hair out, pink curls falling over her shoulders and causing cheryl to stare at her in awe for a few moments before toni rests the helmet on the handle and looks to cheryl with a raised eyebrow.

 

“you good?” she asks with a smirk. cheryl simply nods, not trusting herself to speak as toni chuckles and unclips her helmet, pulling it from her head slowly.

 

cheryl can fucking _feel_ that’s she’s got a bad case of helmet hair, but if toni notices she doesn’t say anything, simply smiles and places cheryl’s helmet on the other handle before she’s holding her hands out for cheryl to take, which she does. 

 

toni helps cheryl up off the bike slowly, the red head taking a moment to center herself on her bambi legs before she finally takes in the building behind toni.

 

her mouth drops open in shock.

 

“toni, this…the _eden fine art gallery_?” cheryl says in awe, her heart pounding as toni smiles and simply nods once.

 

“you told me the other day that you’ve never gotten the chance to go to an art gallery before because you were always so busy with work. so i thought you’d like the chance to finally do so.” toni grins as cheryl tries her best to blink back her tears.

 

god, it’s true, she’s been _dreaming_ of getting a chance like this…to just spend an afternoon losing herself in artwork, in the colors and the deeper meanings behind each piece, but work had kept her busy during the weekdays, and as much as she had begged archie to go with her, archie’s lack of interest in the idea had always left the question dying on her tongue every time she attempted to bring it up, and as a result…cheryl had kind of lost her flame for it.

 

“come on…let’s go have some fun.” toni says, looking just as excited as cheryl as she takes her hand and leads her to the glass doors with a smile.

 

cheryl can already see the bursts of colors through the windows, and she’s like a fucking kid at an amusement park as toni leads her through the doors, their hands still clasped tight as they enter the almost empty art gallery with its pristine white walls.

 

there’s only a few people around, as well as security, of course, and cheryl licks her lips as toni glances around at the artwork already in front of them.

 

it’s all art involving modern culture, characters from different movies splashed onto canvas on the walls in an array of colors, but sculptures are scattered around the main floor as well, statues and figures twisting and turning in blues and reds and yellows, so bright and vibrant to her eyes that cheryl almost wants to squint from the craziness of it all.

 

it doesn’t take long at all before cheryl finds herself wandering, eyes drawn here and there to different pieces of work, ones that catch her eyes and others that simply have her giggling, like the gigantic painting of a grumpy donald duck hanging to the left of her at one point, or the one that has her in slight awe: the shape of a bat made out of butterflies with little yellow butterflies surrounding it. 

 

toni is never too far behind, simply observes cheryl with a smile and watches her take everything in with a giggle or a grin, but it isn’t long before they pass a part of the gallery that’s filled with photographs of city skylines not limited to just new york, of people and buildings and places and objects and a hundred other things that leave toni herself in awe, watching each thing with a smile on her face.

 

one photo in particular has her staring for a long time. a simple photo of a dark skinned woman naked on the floor, surrounded by citrus fruits that are bright yellow and orange, a stark contrast to the color of her skin, head tilted back and mouth slightly parted-

 

it tugs at her heart strings for reasons she can’t explain, and toni only tears her gaze away when she suddenly no longer feels the warmth of cheryl close by, her eyes moving around the gallery with a frown before she sees the familiar flash of red hair all the way on the other side of the room.

 

she’s staring at an abundance of statues, her back turned to toni, who makes her way over to her and frowns in confusion at the sight before her.

 

it’s four figures all joined together, statues stuck in mid dance, some with their legs in the air, no faces, just…colors. all colors forming limbs and a head with no cohesion of facial expressions or anything with only one thing joining them: their hands. 

 

three of the figures are joined by the hands, all of them working in this dance together, but as toni looks at the last figure in the little circle, she realizes that this figure is doing the dance as well, but the hands aren’t connected to any of the other figures in the circle.

 

it’s on it’s own.

 

toni’s heart sinks, her eyes moving to cheryl, who swallows thickly and purses her lips before she closes her eyes and lets out a heavy sigh.

 

toni doesn’t need an explanation, and she doesn’t ask for one.

 

it’s pretty clear why this piece is affecting cheryl so deeply.

 

“hey…you okay?” toni asks softly, bumping her shoulder against cheryl’s and watching as the girl wipes at her cheeks and nods once with a smile and a shake of her head to rid herself of such depressing thoughts.

 

this is a date, a date with _toni_ , and she won't let anything ruin it.

 

“mhmm…come on, let’s keep looking!”

 

her enthusiasm bounces back so quickly it causes toni to smile widely, and cheryl interlaces their fingers as she leads toni through more of the artwork, occasionally making a comment or two that has toni simply nodding in agreement, her mind too numb to do much else.

 

she could listen to cheryl talk about artwork forever, fuck…

 

the excitement in her voice, the passion and the depth with which she looks at each piece, it’s fucking _astounding._ all toni can think about every time she looks at cheryl and sees her eyes wide and filled with so much happiness is how much she wants to kiss her. 

 

but she somehow manages to stop herself from gripping cheryl’s face between her hands, stops herself from planting one right to her lips as slowly, but surely, they make their way around the entire two leveled gallery. 

 

"oh wow, look at this one, toni! look at the brush strokes still imbedded on the canvas..."

 

"toni, this one is beautiful! do you see the use of the different shades of blue to form the sky?! my god..."

 

"toni, toni, look! see the way the woman's arm twists around the man's shoulders and melts into him? god, that must've taken such _skill_ to perfect!"

 

"oh, toni, look at this photo...wow, the different sections of his body, the hues of his skin..."

 

further and further does toni topaz lose herself in the way cheryl blossom's eyes shine with acknowledgement and excitement...

 

toni’s more than surprised when she looks down at her phone to see it’s already nine, can’t believe an hour of their date has already passed, and disappointment floods her when the security guard comes up to them to let them know the gallery is closing. 

 

“what?! uh…wait, is there any way we can stay a little longer-.”

 

“no can do, ma’am. i’m sorry.” he says firmly, voice rough and full of authority, and cheryl pouts, but smiles and takes toni’s hand before pressing a quick kiss to her cheek.

 

“it’s okay, toni. come on, let’s go.” 

 

toni, feeling a little disgruntled and defeated, lets cheryl lead her to the entrance with a promise that they’ll come back another day to get a more proper look through absolutely _everything,_ something that leaves cheryl giggling as she shrugs.

 

“it’s fine, toni, that place was amazing! but…where to next?” cheryl asks once they’re outside the gallery, her heart not quite ready to call it a night just yet, something toni can totally agree on as toni swings their conjoined hands and glances around the area surrounding them with squinted eyes.

 

“uhmm…ah!” toni suddenly gives her an almost ear splitting grin, and she’s dragging cheryl suddenly out from around the building, away from the parking lot and out onto the busy, busy streets of new york, making her way straight towards a hotdog stand on one of the corners. cheryl finds herself laughing as toni makes her way over to the guy behind the stand, and she orders two hotdogs with extra onions and mustard, something that has cheryl’s nose crinkling slightly in disgust.

 

“extra mustard, toni?!”

 

“you ever tried it?” toni asks with a grin.

 

“uh…no, but-.”

 

“nuh uh! don’t knock it till you try it, cher!” toni says simply, passing the guy a crisp ten dollar bill as he loads two hotdog buns with what they’re after.

 

once he’s done, he hands both hotdogs to toni, who holds one out to cheryl.

 

who stares at it apprehensively for a few moments, hesitation coursing through her whole body while toni just goes straight into it, taking a massive bite out of the hotdog before she lets out a soft moan that has cheryl biting down on her bottom lip and squeezing her thighs together.

 

_fuck, that sounded-_

 

“god, that’s good!” toni cries, voice slightly muffled from the food rolling around her tongue as cheryl rolls her eyes and looks down at the hotdog before finally taking a bite.

 

_oh… **fuck.**_

 

nope. no way, she is not admitting that this is-

 

“fucking amazing, isn’t it?” toni says with a grin, swallowing her mouthful and watching as cheryl bites back a grin and simply chews on her food before she shrugs.

 

“it’s alright.” she lies easily, biting back another grin as toni rolls her eyes at her.

 

“pfft, as if, i can _see_ it in your eyes, _that_ is the best thing you’ve ever eaten, miss cheryl blossom.” 

 

cheryl refuses to admit it, and toni simply smirks before she licks her lips clean of mustard and nods at cheryl once as they begin making their way down the sidewalk slowly.

 

“so, how’d the viewing go today?” toni asks lightly. cheryl beams at her, happily chewing on her hotdog as she nods.

 

“we’ve got someone interested, that’s for sure. we’ll see what happens, but archie and i are talking closely with the owner of the apartment building and the realtor. if this buyer is willing to pay as soon as possible, we’re willing to sell as soon as possible.” cheryl says through a mouthful of food, her mind somehow blank of the years of discipline her parents taught her when it came to talking with a full mouth…discipline that usually involved bruises and a lot of yelling-

 

the different colors of pink in toni’s hair…fuschia and pastel and vibrant pink with little bits of blonde poking through-

 

“that’s great, cheryl. if you need help packing, just say the word. i’m more than happy to help.” toni says softly, brilliant smile dazzling cheryl into a dazed out mess before she turns her attention back to the food in her hands.

 

one day…one day she’ll be able to stare at toni topaz and not be completely star struck by everything about her.

 

today is not that day.

 

they walk back towards the empty parking lot of the art gallery, but instead of jumping back onto the bike, toni collapses onto the bench in front of it, takes another bite of her hotdog with a sigh before she finishes it off and throws the little cardboard it came in into the bin beside her. cheryl plops down beside her, finishes off her own hotdog and throws the cardboard into the bin before toni takes her hand into her own with a smile. 

 

“so…how was your first art gallery experience? i’m sorry it was so short, i should’ve checked the opening hours on google-.”

 

“it’s okay, toni. i had the best time. thank you so much.” cheryl says softly, her head coming to rest on toni’s shoulder as she suppresses a yawn and smiles at the way toni drops her head until her cheek is resting on top of her head, their hands still intertwined. 

 

“you’re welcome, cheryl.” toni says simply.

 

it’s quiet for a couple of moments, the both of them simply basking in each other’s warmth before toni shifts against her slightly.

 

"you know, i think this is the best date i've ever been on." she says suddenly. cheryl feels her heart _burst_ , a wide smile taking over as she licks her lips and snuggles just a little closer to toni as the pink haired girl rubs her thumb over cheryl's knuckles softly.

 

"really?" cheryl manages to croak out.

 

"really. i don't know if anyone's ever told you this, cheryl, but...you're sensational. i really mean that." toni whispers.

 

sensational...toni thinks she's _sensational..._

 

cheryl finds herself letting out just the smallest whine shyly as she ducks her head into toni's shoulder, and toni laughs softly and suddenly kisses the top of her head before she jumps up from the bench.

 

“come on…let’s get you home.” cheryl’s eyes widen, her heart sinking as she shakes her head.

 

“already? but-.”

 

“hey, i’d love to extend this day until the sun rises, cheryl, but i felt you holding back that yawn. you’ve had a long three days of cleaning and meeting strangers. you’re tired.” toni says firmly. cheryl’s whole body sags in defeat and fatigue, because yes, she’s _exhausted_ , but she really doesn’t want this night to end…

 

“but-.”

 

“hey…” toni bends down in front of her, gripping her knees in her hands and giving them a reassuring squeeze as she smiles up at cheryl with that goddamn million dollar smile.

 

“there’ll be other dates, cheryl. i promise. now come on, let’s get you home.”

 

cheryl hesitates for only a second longer before she sighs and jumps up, letting toni lead her to her bike as cheryl’s stomach flips once again, but she takes the helmet toni hands her regardless and somehow manages to not throw up the hotdog she just ate as they both clamber on and toni revs the bike to life before taking off. 

 

the whole ride there, all cheryl can think about is the sculpture she saw at the art gallery, the one of the four figures with the one figure separated from the others as they all danced...

 

her heart aches, her mind immediately thinking of nothing but clifford, penelope and jason, all joined together in harmony, and cheryl…off to the side, trying so desperately to get in to the good books, but always _failing_ somehow despite following the book, the guidelines, the _rules_ her parents had set…

 

cheryl could almost _feel_ the desperation coming off the last figure with it's body twisted into the dance the other figures were doing, and she finds herself clutching toni tighter, focusing on the warmth of her body as the girl revs her bike and speeds just that little bit faster as a result.

 

what a strange but goddamn _amazing_ first date. 

 

an art gallery and cheap five buck hotdogs…not that cheryl’s complaining. she may not have much to compare it to, but this date with toni far outweighs any that she’s ever had with archie.

 

she feels horrible for thinking that way, but truthfully, archie kind of lost his mojo in the ‘date’ department after their second year of being together. date night to him became nights spent in front of the tv watching football while cheryl tried her best not to fall asleep beside him. 

 

yes, she has to agree with toni…this date, despite its short length and bizarreness, is by far the best date she’s ever been on, too.

 

the bike begins to slow down once more, and cheryl slowly blinks her eyes open as they pull up to the sidewalk outside cheryl’s apartment, the red head’s heart sinking at the sight before her.

 

she really doesn’t want this night to end…

 

toni sighs as well, her mind on the same wavelength, but cheryl’s exhausted, she can _feel_ it coming off her in waves, and toni doesn’t want to deprive her of sleep any longer, not when she’s got such a longer few days ahead of her.

 

so toni sacrifices what could be the perfect first date, promises herself and cheryl in her mind that multiple imperfect dates are much better than one perfect one as she hops off her bike and helps cheryl off it as well.

 

their hands stay intertwined as toni leads her up to her apartment, and as they come to a stop outside her door, cheryl licks her lips and looks up at her with a warm smile.

 

“i had an amazing time, toni.” she whispers softly. toni can’t help but grin at the sound, her hand squeezing cheryl’s wrist as she lets out a shaky sigh.

 

“i had an incredible time, too, cheryl. thank you, for coming out with me. i know it was a little daunting, going on your first date in so long-.”

 

“you made it worth it.” cheryl says simply. toni’s heart clenches, her teeth gnawing on her bottom lip to stop another stupid grin from forming as cheryl’s cheeks turn red, her head ducking down shyly. 

 

toni finds herself stepping forward, her finger tucking under cheryl’s chin to lift her gaze as they stare into each other’s eyes for the briefest moment before toni’s eyes flick down to full, ruby red lips.

 

“can i kiss you?” toni croaks out, barely even waiting for the nod of confirmation from the red head before she’s capturing that perfectly red bottom lip between her own. 

 

the lipstick has this sweet flavor that has toni’s mind spinning, her heart pounding as her hands come up to cradle cheryl’s cheeks, nails scratching the spot beneath her ear that has cheryl whining against her as she grips the lapels of toni’s jacket and pulls her closer, deepening the kiss and pushing her tongue past toni’s lips to savor the taste of her, flicking her tongue over the roof of toni’s mouth and causing her eyes to roll slightly at the sensation.

 

her whole body is fucking buzzing, she still can’t explain it…can’t explain what cheryl does to her every time their lips meet like this…

 

cheryl's hands move under her toni's shirt, cold fingers touching the skin of her sides and causing goosebumps to flood her as she suppresses a shiver, but toni finds herself pulling her even closer until there's virtually not an inch of space between them anymore, the both of them pushing and pulling with this desperation to get as close to each other as humanly possibly with their bodies burning for more-

 

cheryl’s the first to pull away with a breathless gasp, her forehead coming to rest against toni’s as they breathe each other in for a few moments, and toni can’t help herself as the next words that escape her fall out of her mouth like word vomit.

 

“god, kissing you feels and tastes exactly what i’ve always imagined heaven would feel and taste like.” she manages to gasp out.

 

toni finds herself mentally face palming at how fucking corny it sounds, but cheryl’s soft giggle has her pushing that thought aside, because all she can focus on is how that sound causes her heart to pound along to the sound of it almost religiously, this bright smile taking up both their faces before cheryl pulls away from her with a sharp inhale, clutching toni's jacket between her fingers tightly.

 

“you should probably go home tonight, toni.” she whispers.

 

oh.

 

toni looks up at her in surprise, her heart slightly sinking. 

 

did she do something wrong? she’s been sleeping here for almost two weeks now, why did she suddenly have to go home-

 

cheryl’s eyes widen at toni’s slightly hurt expression before she whines and shakes her head furiously.

 

“wait, no, n-no, it’s…it’s not that i don’t want you to stay, toni, it’s just…” cheryl bites down on her bottom lip, cheeks turning red once more as she bows her head to avoid eye contact.

 

“i think if you come in, i might not be able to stop myself from doing something that i don’t think i’m quite ready for just yet.” she says in a small voice, fingers twisting nervously together as she says it.

 

oh.

 

_oh._

 

toni tries to calm her racing heart, licks her lips and simply nods numbly a few times, and at her lack of words, cheryl lets out another whine before she’s suddenly fumbling with her purse, desperate to get to her keys and get inside-

 

“hey, no, wait! i…” toni grips her hand, chuckling slightly as cheryl looks at her with a groan.

 

“don’t laugh at me-.”

 

“no, no, baby, i’m not laughing at you, i promise, i…i get it. and you’re right, i probably should head home, i’ve gotta clean the apartment up anyway before you come, it's just…i’m more worried about _you._ will you be okay on your own?” toni asks with concern.

 

cheryl doesn’t even hesitate, grips toni’s hand in her own and nods slowly with a smile.

 

“yeah, i’ll be okay, toni. thank you…for everything. for the last two weeks and for the date tonight, and just… _everything._ ” she breathes, staring at the girl before her in complete awe.

 

she’ll never understand how she got so lucky to have toni topaz in her life…

 

toni smiles, and she squeezes cheryl’s hand before she leans in and kisses her once again, catching cheryl slightly off guard before she returns the kiss eagerly, but it’s short, a simple peck to the lips before she pulls back with a soft hum.

 

“you’re welcome, cheryl.” she croaks out. cheryl tries her best to ignore the shiver that runs up her spine every time she hears that rasp in toni’s voice, and she bites down on her bottom lip, trying her best to ignore the throbbing between her legs that’s been kind of fading in and out since she first straddled that goddamn fucking bike-

 

“goodnight, toni.” cheryl whispers, shoving her keys into the door and opening it slightly as toni’s hand slowly slides out of her own.

 

“goodnight, cheryl. sweet dreams.” she whispers back. cheryl fights back a smile again, but she can’t help it as toni watches her close the door with a smile of her own, the lock clicking into place as cheryl rests her forehead on the door and tries her best just to _breathe._

 

god, how _perfect_ has this day been? she didn't even think it was possible for her to have a good day after everything she's been through and yet...

 

_fucking toni topaz..._

 

cheryl drops her purse on top of the table beside her and makes her way to her bedroom, that smile still etched on her face as she thinks about just how fucking amazing tonight has been.

 

an art gallery...toni took her to a fucking art gallery, god, she _listens..._ to everything that cheryl says, fuck, cheryl can barely even remember talking about art galleries with toni the other day, she's pretty sure toni had seen the canvases of color she'd made on that day she had burst into toni's office and that's how the conversation had come up, but it had just been something in passing, not anything worth remembering, but she _did_ , she fucking remembered-

 

her phone buzzes.

 

cheryl looks down at it, an instant grin lighting up her face as she opens up the message in less than a second.

 

**toni topaz [22:04]**   
_i’m just a phone call away if you need me…lips are still tingling btw, i think i’m gonna be dreaming about kissing you tonight xo_

 

oh, toni topaz, you little flirt.

 

two can play at that game.

 

cheryl taps away at her phone, unaware that just downstairs outside on the street, toni topaz is about to shove her helmet over her head, her body still giddy and her heart still bursting to the seam with happiness when her reply comes through.

 

**cheryl blossom [22:06]**   
_thank you, toni, i appreciate it._

 

and then quickly followed by:

 

**cheryl blossom [22:06]**   
_but isn’t the real thing so much better than a dream?_

 

toni groans loudly, her body aching to get back up there and to kiss cheryl’s lips until their bruised and bitten and swollen, but instead, she pushes that red hot desire down and simply texts a short response back.

 

**you [22:07]**   
_god, **so** much better._

 

and with that, toni grins widely and shoves her phone into her pocket before she slaps her visor down and turns her bike on, revving it to life and peeling off down the street towards her apartment, both women unaware of just how much both their hearts are in a place of complete and utter content and happiness...

 

both women also unaware of just how much both their dreams involve more than just a kiss.


	13. you're so much more than you give yourself credit for

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.
> 
> this is super late, i'm sorry, but if you saw on twitter, i have an explanation. doctor's appointments and my wifi cutting out, ugh, trainwreck of a week.
> 
> but we're back on track now, so here's the update! hope you guys like it, you can hit me up on twitter at @endofdaysforme, or you can always leave a comment, they make my day just a lil bit brighter, and i could use some of that right now, with ya know, injuries and what not :(
> 
> till next time! toodles!

“well, this is it.”

 

cheryl feels archie’s hand in her own tighten slightly as they take one final glance around the now barren apartment they’ve made a home over the last five years: the place that once held so much promise for their future…

 

a place that now belongs to a man named steven pratt, some recently divorced man from washington who has been looking for an apartment for over two weeks now, living from hotel rooms with slowly dwindling funds that had been more than happy to move into the apartment as soon as possible. 

 

they’d sold it for quite a bit of money, something cheryl’s thankful for. selling the furniture had helped quite a bit as well, and even with splitting the money with archie, it’s at least enough to last her a year without a job, giving her plenty of time to explore her options and look for her own place. but regardless of that, it still hurts. 

 

this place held so many memories, and now they’d all be gone…

 

it’s just an empty place now. no couch that archie had fallen asleep on so many times after work, no bed that cheryl had spent the last few weeks crying on…everything is gone. 

 

“hey…remember what toni said?” archie says softly, squeezing her hand again with a sad smile. cheryl licks her lips and nods slowly, glancing around the apartment with a smile on her face as toni’s words echo in her mind.

 

_“this is just one chapter in your life that’s closing, guys. don’t think about the sad ending…think about the exciting new beginning.”_

 

cheryl exhales shakily and nods once, looking to archie, who blinks back the tears in his eyes and smiles back at her.

 

“exciting new beginnings.” she whispers. archie chuckles and sniffs once, wiping at his cheeks before he turns and leaves his key to the apartment on the kitchen top. 

 

she has no idea what the future holds for herself and archie, but for once in her life, not knowing isn’t as terrifying as it used to be. 

 

maybe now she can finally start to let go of wanting so much control…

 

“for what it’s worth, cheryl…” archie says suddenly, swallowing thickly as he looks to her before he chuckles and nods more to himself than the girl before him.

 

“the last eight years with you are something i wouldn’t trade for anything. even after all the confusion and pain…” he says softly, a stray tear falling before he can stop it as cheryl purses her lips to stop herself from crying.

 

_god, this boy deserves the absolute world…_

 

“i love you, archie.” cheryl says with no hesitation, her arms moving on their own accord as she pulls archie into a hug. the boy wraps his arms around her waist, holding her close and burying his head into her shoulder as cheryl tries her best not to cry once more.

 

despite everything…cheryl is still positive that archie will always remain one of the best things to ever happen to her. the way he’s been there for her for the last few weeks…cheryl still doesn’t understand it. archie was ready to have a future with her, was oblivious to _anything_ that indicated cheryl wasn’t feeling the same, and yet…here he was. still holding her, still being there for her…

 

a man like archie andrews is a goddamn rarity in this world.

 

“i love you too, cheryl. and slowly, but surely…i’ll stop loving you in _that_ way.” archie murmurs. 

 

cheryl closes her eyes, simply wraps her arms around him tighter before she leans back just a little to whisper into his ear.

 

“you’re gonna find someone who’s gonna love you the way you deserve, arch.” she whispers. archie chuckles, inhales deeply before he pulls back completely and looks at her with an almost defeated smile.

 

“yeah…hopefully mrs. right is out there somewhere.” he says with a shrug. cheryl shakes her head and grips his face into her hands, determined to get him to see the truth.

 

“she is. don’t you worry…any girl would be the luckiest girl in the world to have you, archie andrews.” she says firmly, believing the words with one hundred percent conviction as archie’s smile becomes genuine, his lips pursed before he raises a hand to tuck a lock of hair behind her ear.

 

“thanks, cheryl. hey, if you need anything, i’m a phone call away, alright? you’re always gonna be my girl, i’ll always be here for you.” he says confidently, smiling when cheryl grins widely and nods in understanding.

 

“i know. and you know the same applies to you.” archie grins at that, a soft laugh escaping him as he squares his shoulders and bends down to pick up his bag.

 

“i do. now come on, let’s get out of here. you’ve got a new apartment to get to and i’ve gotta finish packing my own stuff into my apartment.” 

 

cheryl nods resolutely before she takes her key out of her pocket and places it beside archie’s, her heart racing as she tries to push down the sadness rising inside her. it’s still hard for her to leave this place behind, despite what doing so means for her…she’s finally breaking free of all the ties that bind, finally letting herself be who she’s always wanted to be, but at the end of the day, there were no bad memories attached to her relationship with archie. he was a good person, and part of cheryl wishes so much that she could love him the way he deserves, but she just _can’t._

 

and slowly, but surely…she’s starting to realize that that’s okay.

 

she looks around the place, says one last final goodbye before she takes archie’s hand and the both of them walk out of the apartment without a backward glance. 

 

_exciting new beginnings, cheryl…_

 

how strange, then, that her happy new beginning is already waiting downstairs for her.

 

as soon as she steps out into the parking garage, she can’t help the gigantic smile that takes over her face at the sight of toni leaning against her bike, her helmet in her hands as she smiles up at them before she looks up at the apartment building above her with a nod.

 

“all done?” she calls out, smiling as cheryl nods in confirmation and archie stuffs his hands into his pockets a little awkwardly at the sight of her.

 

“all done! thanks for helping us pack our stuff, toni. and i’m sorry again about peter hitting on you yesterday-.”

 

“hey, don’t worry about it, he’s a nice guy and he backed off as soon as i told him i wasn’t interested.” toni says with a chuckle as cheryl attempts to swallow down the same jealousy she had felt yesterday at the situation.

 

peter, one of archie’s friends from work, had been starstruck as soon as toni had walked into the apartment building last night to help them finish carrying cheryl and archie’s boxes into the moving truck, and the rest of the afternoon had been peter attempting to flirt with toni despite her very blatant disinterest in the man. when he had tried to get her number, toni had very subtlety and nicely turned him down, and peter had looked a little devastated, but hadn’t attempted anymore flirting, which toni was thankful for.

 

cheryl, on the other hand, had wanted to chop his goddamn hand off the entire time he was there. 

 

she’s never exactly been the jealous type, but it’s the idea of someone else _wanting_ toni that struck a chord with her. cheryl doesn’t blame him, of course, toni was probably one of the most beautiful people cheryl’s ever laid eyes on, and her goddamn charisma is enough to get an entire room of world leaders to see things her way, but still…

 

they may not have put a label on whatever it is they have yet, but toni is _hers._ cheryl doesn’t really like seeing her in any other way…

 

_she’s not some goddamn property, cheryl, she’s a **person.** you’re thinking like your father now…_

 

that thought causes a shiver to run up her spine, this feeling of dread consuming her, and toni looks at her with concern, is about to ask her what’s wrong when archie clears his throat awkwardly and claps his hands. 

 

“well, that’s sorted! time for me to head out, i guess. if you guys need anything, just give me a call, alright?”

 

“will do. thanks, archie.” cheryl says softly, smiling once again and feeling a little guilty at how archie still feels a bit awkward around them as her former fiancé chuckles and makes his way over to his car, cheryl making her way over to hers. 

 

there’s still some boxes left in the car, and cheryl groans at the idea of having to continue unpacking when toni laughs loudly and lays a hand on the small of her back.

 

“don’t worry, i’ll help as much as i can.”

 

“you already have, toni. thank you so much for everything.” cheryl says softly, taking toni’s hand into her own and giving it a squeeze as she unlocks her car and opens the door.

 

toni’s been so goddamn helpful these last few weeks…cheryl’s quite sure she’ll never be able to repay her for it-

 

“hey, before you go…are you okay? i saw that little reaction earlier when archie mentioned peter…” toni asks gently, gripping cheryl’s hand in her own and giving it a reassuring squeeze. cheryl simply inhales sharply, doesn’t feel like particularly admitting what she was thinking for more than one reason as she nods once with a tight smile.

 

“yeah, fine. let’s get out of here, shall we?” 

 

the ride back to toni’s studio apartment is quick, something that still surprises cheryl despite having been to it so many times now. running back and forth between toni’s place and her apartment ( _old apartment now,_ she thinks) has her knowing the route to toni’s place off by heart now, but cheryl’s still surprised at just how close toni lives to where she did.

 

toni’s only a little further into the city, about a five to ten minute drive, and the idea that toni’s lived in her area for almost six years and cheryl had never run into her still baffles her.

 

“we just weren’t destined to meet until we did, cheryl.” toni had told her with a smile when cheryl had brought it up, but even if it was destiny, cheryl finds herself cursing the gods for not letting her meet toni sooner. 

 

maybe it could’ve saved herself and archie a few more years of heartbreak. 

 

as soon as they arrive, cheryl can’t help but smile up at the fancy apartment building as she pulls into the parking garage beneath it, her eyes on the number of bmw and audi cars parked around her. this apartment looks like it costs toni a pretty dime, and it just makes cheryl feel more guilty that she doesn’t have a job yet to help pull her weight around. she’s got money for now at least to help toni out, but the idea of having money that will disappear and never replenish scares her.

 

_i need to find a job, and fast…_

 

it had been harrowing the other week before they had closed the deal with steven, checking her bank details on her app and seeing nothing but zeros staring back at her, and cheryl had spent the whole day crying in toni’s arms, still in disbelief over just how quickly her parents had taken _everything_ from her. for her father to also take the money she had been earning while she was working with the company was a low blow, and archie had brought up suing him for it, because it’s a case cheryl would definitely win if she did, but cheryl can’t bring it in herself to do so.

 

her father was much more powerful than archie gave him credit for, and cheryl’s positive that even if she did attempt to sue her father in a court case that she’d most definitely win, she’d end up on the losing end regardless. there just wasn’t a point, and cheryl’s not quite sure she’d be able to handle seeing her family on the opposite side of her in a courtroom.

 

after everything they’ve done to her, cheryl knows it’ll still hurt…

 

with one last deep sigh, cheryl pushes herself out of the car and smiles as toni pulls up beside her on her bike, the girl removing her helmet and shaking her hair loose before she rests her helmet on the handle and makes her way over to her. 

 

“i’ll take the box and the suitcase, you take all the other stuff, okay?” cheryl simply nods as she opens the boot and back door of her car and immediately scrambles to pick up all the trays and plastic bags filled with her stuff while toni holds the box in the boot under one arm and grabs the suitcase by the handle with the other.

 

“it’s heavy, toni-.”

 

“nah, it’s fine. come on, i got a surprise for you when we get to my apartment.” cheryl grins, unable to stop herself as she nods and follows toni towards the elevators, and cheryl finds herself slamming her finger onto the button five times anxiously at the idea that this time when she walks into toni’s apartment, she won’t be leaving it.

 

she’ll officially be toni’s roommate.

 

_god, this is weird…it’s weird, isn’t it?_

 

but the truth is, it doesn’t _feel_ weird. being around toni doesn’t feel weird, either. everything just kind of _fits._

 

and as much as cheryl doesn’t understand it, she finds herself welcoming it. because she’s never really felt the kind of comfort she feels when she’s with toni before. it’s something so new and exciting and god, so exhilarating. 

 

she hits the button for level twelve five times, winces when toni simply lets out a deep sigh beside her, and she knows toni’s probably going to sit her down and ask her how she’s feeling, but for the first time, it isn’t daunting, the idea of talking to toni about how she’s feeling.

 

toni makes her feel safe, and it’s a feeling she’s never felt before in her twenty five goddamn years of living. she knows no matter what she says, toni won’t judge her, and it’s such a strange thing to be excited about, but how can she not be?

 

as soon as the elevator doors open, toni leads her down the hallway to apartment four, and as soon as they come to a stop in front of it, toni places the box and the suitcase down with a grunt and reaches into her pocket for her keys.

 

“put your bags down, cher.” she says simply. cheryl cocks an eyebrow in confusion, but does as she’s told before toni whips her hand out of her pocket-

 

and between her thumb and her index finger is a shiny silver key.

 

“got it made for you yesterday.” toni says softly with a smile, and cheryl feels her heart race rapidly, her eyes on the little key in toni’s hands and widening with each passing moment. 

 

she…she got a key made for her?

 

toni really wants her here…

 

cheryl tries her best not to let her emotions get the better of her, blinks back her tears quickly and looks up at toni with a shaky smile as the girl chuckles and nods at her encouragingly.

 

“wanna test if it works?” she teases. cheryl giggles and takes the key from her fingers, ignoring the usual spark of electricity she feels when she makes contact with toni’s skin and turns to the door before letting out a deep breath.

 

she places the key into the lock, turns it and pushes the door open easily, almost like she’s been here from day goddamn one.

 

“great! guess i don’t have to go back to those key makers then!” toni says excitedly, grabbing the suitcase and the box and carrying them into the apartment as cheryl chuckles and makes her way inside.

 

it’s a beautiful apartment, a hallway at the entrance that leads out into a lavish living room where toni has a leather couch in front of a giant tv, a plush rug beneath the couch with a little space between the living room and the kitchen behind it. there’s a step up into the kitchen that has a white counter top island, the bench tops made of the finest marble. there’s full length windows from the living room to the kitchen, and another hallway beside the kitchen that leads into the bathroom and two rooms. 

 

toni leads her down the hallway into her room that turns off to the right, toni’s room being the master bedroom straight ahead, and when cheryl walks in, her mouth drops open in shock.

 

there’s a bed waiting for her against the right wall of the room, a lavish queen sized bed with a nice metal headboard, the curtains open and letting in the natural light from the full length windows along the wall. there’s a matching dresser as well, everything’s all set up-

 

“toni, what-.”

 

“housewarming gift from me, cher. just to welcome you.” toni says it simply, like it’s not big deal that she probably just blew a good two grand on a bed for her-

 

“toni, i…i could’ve gotten this, you didn’t need to-.”

 

“no, i didn’t need to. i _wanted_ to. big difference.” she teases, dropping the box and the suitcase by the closet as cheryl drops the bags in her arms as well with a scoff of disbelief.

 

a bed? granted, it’s possibly not that big of a deal in retrospect, but toni was already giving cheryl a room in her apartment, for her to get her a bed as well? 

 

“you are truly something else, toni topaz.” she murmurs, turning to face the pink haired girl with a look of disbelief that has her chuckling with a simple shrug and the most wicked, teasing grin on her face.

 

“it’s just a bed, cher. now…let’s talk.” 

 

cheryl’s heart sinks, but she simply lets out a shaky sigh and nods once before she lets toni lead her out towards the living room, the pink haired girl taking her hand and causing cheryl to shudder at the immediate warmth toni’s touch gives her.

 

“shouldn’t i be unpacking-.”

 

“we can do that tonight. come on.” toni sing songs, smiling back at her as she sighs again until they’re sitting on the couch in the living room. cheryl plops down into it unceremoniously, her fatigue getting the better of her as toni heads to the kitchen to get them some water. 

 

“so…tell me where your head’s at with all this.” toni says when she makes her way back towards the couch, collapsing down beside cheryl with a grunt and handing her the glass of water that cheryl greedily drinks from to buy her some time.

 

toni waits patiently, however, like she always does, watching as cheryl places the glass on the coffee table and purses her lips before turning to face her former therapist turned god knows what with a smile.

 

“i’m…feeling okay, i think. just trying to wrap my mind around everything that’s happened in the last few months…i went from being engaged to my best friend to breaking his heart and coming to terms with my sexuality…and moving in with my former therapist. it’s…a lot.” cheryl says with an uneasy chuckle. toni purses her lips and nods slowly, taking her own sip of water before she takes a moment to think about what she wants to say.

 

“yeah, it is a lot of change in such a short amount of time…i don’t blame you for having a scattered mind because of it.” cheryl simply nods in agreement, and toni lets out a deep sigh before she sinks back into the couch and runs her fingers through her hair. 

 

“that’s why i think it’s good, you know…that we don’t put a label on whatever we have right now. i don’t want to add any pressure to you, cheryl, especially not with everything else going on. i want this… _whatever_ we have to be the one thing you don’t have to worry about, okay? i’m willing to wait until you’re ready, and not a second before it. you’re…worth the wait.” toni says with the softest smile, one that immediately tugs at cheryl’s heart strings and makes her almost want to jump up from the couch and do some kind of victory dance.

 

she’s still not sure how she managed to get the interest of someone as amazing as toni, and cheryl finds herself staring at the girl in wonder, contemplating what she wants to say before she shakes her head to expel her thoughts, simply saying instead:

 

“thank you, toni. for being so amazing…” she says in a small voice, reaching out to grip toni’s hand in her own, interlacing their fingers and smiling when toni chuckles and reaches out to tuck a lock of hair behind her ear, causing cheryl to repress a shudder as her spine tingles at her touch.

 

“you’re welcome, cher.” toni’s eyes drift down to cheryl’s bitten down, chapped lips, this look in her eyes that has cheryl pressing her legs together as her stomach turns with something she’s all too familiar with…

 

something she always feels when toni stares at her like _that._

 

“we can still like…kiss and stuff though, right?” cheryl says quickly, licking her lips as toni swallows thickly and simply nods once while leaning in desperately.

 

“yeah, we can still kiss and stuff.” she murmurs before closing the gap between them completely, capturing cheryl’s bottom lip between her own and causing cheryl to shift more to her side to tangle her fingers into toni’s shirt to pull her closer.

 

it’s impossible, at this point, how every single time their lips connect, cheryl can’t deny the way her heart begins to race and the way her body seems to react with just this simple touch. part of her is scared that this feeling will fade the more they explore whatever they have together, but another part of her thinks it’s an impossibility.

 

there’s no way she’ll ever stop feeling like this, having toni in this way…

her fingers roam down, towards the hem of toni’s shirt, and she finds herself placing her cold fingers over toni’s stomach, relishing in the goosebumps that rise over her tanned skin as she pulls away with a light gasp and a shiver at cheryl’s touch. she dives right back in, the kiss more desperate this time, and cheryl knows where this could potentially lead, her stomach dropping and her heart pounding in her ears-

if just a kiss can light her entire body on fire, god only knows what would happen if they actually go that one step further…fuck, is she even prepared for that? fuck, fuck, fuck-

 

the second their tongues brush together, cheryl squeezes her legs together for some form of relief, this whimper escaping her before she can stop it, and she can feel how much she's shaking right now against toni, who brushes her thumb over cheryl's jawline and deepens this kiss impossibly further-

 

“hey…” toni suddenly pulls away, her breath hitching as she rests her forehead against cheryl’s and takes a couple of moments to catch her breath, and cheryl simply stays frozen, her own breath ragged before toni pulls away completely to look her in the eyes with a soft smile.

 

“you’re not ready, cheryl. i can feel it.” she whispers. cheryl lets out this almost distressed whine, her heart aching, because fuck, she wishes more than anything that she _was_ , because toni is so goddamn gentle and patient with her, she deserves something more, something better, someone who’s not hesitant to be with her in that way-

 

“i…i’m sorry-.”

 

“hey, no, don’t apologize for how you’re feeling. there’s _nothing_ to apologize for. when you’re ready, you’re ready, okay?” toni says simply, like it’s a simple math’s equation that needs to be solved, and cheryl finds herself staring at toni in awe, trying to map out how this chain of events occurred, why toni seems to damn deadset on _waiting_ for her when she’s not fucking worth the wait…

 

“toni…can i ask you something?” cheryl finds herself saying, her voice small, weak, pathetic, as always-

 

“of course.” toni croaks out, pulling back a little more and rubbing her hand over cheryl’s shoulders as the red haired girl swallows thickly and looks up at her in despair.

 

“what…what made you attracted to me? like…why are you willing to risk so much just for me? how am i worth you potentially losing your job?” cheryl asks weakly, tears springing to her eyes before she can stop them. toni’s expression falls, genuine heartbreak shining in her eyes as she coos softly and runs her fingers through cheryl’s hair lightly.

 

“there is no ‘just for you’, cheryl. not for me…the second i laid eyes on you, i thought you were the most beautiful girl i’d ever seen in my life. and then we had our session and i could just _see_ all the defensive walls you had up…all the layers that made you who you were and it just made me want to _know_ you. in whatever way possible.” toni manages to get out, her own tears springing to her eyes and making cheryl feel nothing but guilt that she’s making toni upset, fuck, she can’t do anything right-

 

“the more sessions we had, the more i saw the vulnerable side of you, and the more i found myself…i don’t know, _craving_ your company. there was just something about you that had me from day one, cher. i can’t explain it, but…if there’s one thing worth risking my career over, it’s the way you make me feel when i’m around you. as much as i love helping other people, i think it’s caused me to forget that sometimes it’s good to be selfish…i guess this is me being selfish.” toni says firmly, looking up at cheryl with this smile that has her heart clenching as toni leans in slowly and presses a slow, soft kiss to the corner of cheryl’s mouth.

 

“cheryl…you’re worth it to me. you’re worth _everything_ , and i mean that. maybe it’s weird, and maybe it’s insane, but it’s the truth. there’s nowhere else i’d rather be…and no one else i’d rather be with. please, don’t think you’re not worth it. you’re so much more than you give yourself credit for.” toni whispers, placing another kiss closer to her cheek now as cheryl lets a stray tear fall and quickly wipes it away with a sniff.

 

“i…toni, i don’t know, i j-just-.”

 

“i know. your parents made you feel worthless your entire goddamn life and nothing makes me more upset than that fact, and if i could go back in time and take you the fuck away from them, i would. but all i can do is try to make up for it now…try to make you see just how amazing you truly are.” toni says with a sigh, this look of purpose shining in her eyes that has cheryl biting down on her lower lip in an effort to stop it from trembling.

 

she’s trying not to let her parents influence her anymore, but it’s been twenty five years of their insults and their words lashing at her, making her feel that way, making her feel like nothing she ever did would be good enough, and it’s so fucking _hard_ to shake that, to stop herself from feeling that way…

 

“i’m…i’m trying, toni, i s-swear i am-.”

 

“shh…i know. come here…” toni says hoarsely, wrapping her arms around cheryl and pulling her into her as cheryl collapses against her chest with a shaky sigh, more tears spilling before she can stop them. 

 

cheryl feels toni press a kiss to the top of her head before she rests her chin on it, and she clutches toni’s shirt between her fingers, lets out a small whine and buries her face into toni’s neck in an effort to stop herself from feeling so fucking shit right now.

 

_this is supposed to be a day of celebration…i’m moving in, i shouldn’t be crying into her shoulder like an idiot…_

 

“cher…i still think you should book another appointment with veronica.” toni says softly, the rumble from her words causing her throat to vibrate against cheryl’s cheek as she sniffs once and nods against her.

 

“i will…once everything’s settled here.” cheryl manages to get out, tightening her grip on toni’s shirt. the pink haired girl nods, her hands rubbing up and down cheryl’s back and arm comfortingly as she lets out a deep sigh.

 

“good…cheryl, i know it’s tough, adjusting from not having me as your therapist anymore, but we can always talk about your sessions with veronica when you come back home…it’s totally not protocol, but fuck it, we’re already breaking enough rules as it is.” toni says jokingly, but there’s this hint of anxiousness in her tone that has cheryl groaning as she shakes her head against toni’s neck nervously.

 

“don’t remind me of that, please…” she croaks out. the idea of toni losing her job makes her heart start racing again, and toni keeps rubbing her back consolingly as she lets out a chuckle and presses another kiss to the top of cheryl’s head.

 

“my point is…i’m here for you no matter what. alright?” she says roughly, giving her a gentle squeeze as cheryl licks her lips and simply nods once against her.

 

“alright.”

 

“mmm, good. now come on, let’s order some takeout, have a glass of wine and celebrate you moving in the proper way. no more tears.”

 

\--------------------

 

“so…you’ve moved into a new apartment, how’s that going for you?” 

 

veronica asks the question kindly enough, but cheryl still feels like she’s under a magnifying glass right now as she clears her throat and simply shrugs, trying her best to fight off a smile.

 

“yeah, great. my roommate is…kind of amazing.” she says sheepishly, trying not to draw any attention to it.

 

the truth is, the last week living with toni has been nothing but goddamn bliss. cheryl still feels like she can’t possibly be living her life right now, that she’s stuck in some amazing daydream or fantasy where she’s somehow managed to do something she’s always wanted to do: be _free._

 

waking up every morning to the sound of toni cooking breakfast in the kitchen and singing under her breath has filled cheryl with so much fucking _hope._ it’s something she never wants to end, something that she’s positive will never fail to make her heart race and her body ache for toni to be near. 

 

but just because she’s happy, doesn’t mean everything’s suddenly okay…

 

cheryl’s had no luck finding an apartment, no luck finding a job, and still hasn’t heard from anything from her family despite the fact that it’s been well over three weeks now since they decided to disown her. 

 

not hearing from her parents isn’t much of a surprise or much of a loss either, really, but not hearing from jason…that’s the cut that hurts the most. she hasn’t heard a goddamn word from her brother from the second he left her apartment with clifford and penelope, and cheryl’s starting to lose hope that she’ll ever actually hear from him again: that clifford and penelope’s claws are sunk so deep into him, there’s no hope of her ever getting her brother back. 

 

add that on top of the stress of finding another place to live in and finding a job, and cheryl’s pretty sure her anxiety levels are to a point where she’s in the verge of collapsing. her ocd has gotten ten times worse, and even though toni had told her there was no rush for her to find a new place, that she could stay with toni for as long as she wanted, cheryl really doesn’t want to inconvenience her, and the idea that they’re living together without officially dating still makes her feel…odd.

 

she turns her head to the side, almost desperate to look beyond the wall of veronica’s office to where toni is no doubt sitting in her own office with a client right now…

 

toni had decided to return to work a couple of days after cheryl had moved in, and when toni had come home from work one evening to find cheryl had basically scrubbed the entire apartment clean at least five times, toni had taken her hands, pressed a kiss to her knuckles, and told her to book another appointment with veronica as soon as possible.

 

it sucks and it hurts, knowing that toni is just a wall away from her, that she could be seeing the only person who’s ever really helped her before instead of standing here in front of veronica with the woman watching her intently like she’s some kind of science project gone wrong, but cheryl grits her teeth and does it.

 

for toni.

 

“well, that’s great, cheryl. i’m glad your roommate isn’t giving you too much trouble. now…you told me earlier that your ocd has gotten worse since everything that happened with your parents?” veronica says with a frown, writing something down as cheryl winces and begins fiddling with her fingers nervously.

 

“uh, yeah…yeah a little.” veronica sighs loudly, takes off her glasses and looks at cheryl sternly.

 

“cheryl…we’ve spoken about this. i need you to be honest and open with me, okay? you’ve done really well this session and we’re almost done, i just need you to be honest for a little longer, alright?” she says softly. cheryl takes a shaky breath in before she exhales and purses her lips.

 

“sorry…yeah, it’s…it’s pretty bad again.” she murmurs, avoiding eye contact and wincing when she hears veronica sigh again once more.

 

“alright…cheryl, i’m going to prescribe you some medication, okay? something to help with your anxiety and your ocd.” 

 

cheryl’s head snaps up in surprise, her heart racing as veronica begins writing something down on a prescription pad with furrowed brows.

 

medication? cheryl can’t help the feeling of anxiety that floods her at the idea of having to take medication for her mental health. her mother drilled it into her mind that anyone who took medication for mental health reasons was weak, not worthy of the life they were living…when clifford’s cousin had begun taking anti-depressants, cheryl had been forced to listen to both her mother and father rant and rave about how he was a failure, to the point where clifford still hasn’t spoken to his cousin in almost ten years…

 

when her doctors had suggested medicating her for her ocd when she was younger, cheryl had received five belt whips across the back of her thighs for it, even though it wasn’t her fault at all. she had begged her father to stop, that it was the doctor’s suggestion and not her own, but he wouldn’t hear a word of it. cheryl hadn’t been able to sit for almost a month because of it… 

 

even though her parents are out of her life now, cheryl can’t help but wince in fear, like her father is about to pop out from behind veronica’s desk with his belt in his hands, ready to whip her raw for even fathoming the idea of it-

 

“m-medication? you think it’s that bad?” cheryl croaks out, watching as veronica looks up at her and smiles sympathetically.

 

“i think it won’t hurt to have some help. there’s only so much i can do, cheryl, as much as helping people is my job, sometimes we need a little extra help. i’m prescribing you with clomipramine, it’s an anti-depressant that can help stabilize your serotonin levels and hopefully help your ocd symptoms as well. i’ll monitor you closely in your sessions over the next few weeks while you take them, and if it doesn’t help, we can try something else, okay?” veronica rips the paper out of the pad and jumps up from her desk, making her way around it towards cheryl with an encouraging smile.

 

she can’t do this, she can’t just take medication, what if her parents find out, what if-

 

“o-okay.” cheryl squeaks out, taking the paper from veronica as the woman sits down beside her and takes her hand.

 

“we’ll start you on a hundred milligrams, work our way up if it works. there might be a few side effects, but the pharmacist will go over all of it with you when you give him the prescription, okay?” cheryl simply nods once numbly, and veronica squeezes her hand before she jumps up and looks at the clock on the wall.

 

“alright…looks like our time together is up. i’d like to see you again next week at the same time if that’s okay?” cheryl simply nods again, murmurs a ‘thank you’ before she jumps up and grabs her bag, slinging it over her shoulder and making her way to the door hurriedly.

 

she’s already contemplating throwing out the prescription, her mind spinning and her stomach aching at the idea of having to be on medication for her ocd now. truthfully, she should’ve been on medication since she was a kid, and she knows that, but her parents have conditioned her to associate medication with something bad, something that makes her weak, unworthy, pathetic-

 

she steps out of veronica’s office, tightens her grip on her bag and is about to pass the candy red door when it suddenly opens-

 

and a young man steps out, smiling at the person at the door, her pink hair flowing down her back as she offers him a small smile back.

 

toni makes eye contact with cheryl, her expression immediately softening and her smile growing wider, and cheryl feels all her anxiety melt away at the sight of her, shoulders slumping as she gives the girl a shaky smile back.

 

toni’s smile falters, her brows furrowing with concern, and cheryl simply purses her lips and shakes her head, tries to get the message across that this is something they can discuss once she gets home. she wants toni’s opinion before she does anything, because the truth is, she’s fucking terrified of buying the medication on her own, but she knows toni will have a solution of some kind.

 

maybe this will be a good thing…her ocd is terrible right now, and cheryl doesn’t want to do anything that could jeopardize her relationship with toni. what if her ocd gets to the point where toni decides she can’t handle it anymore…

 

steps forward...steps forward for toni. that's what she needs to do.

 

cheryl finds herself tightening her grip on the prescription paper in her hands as she makes her way towards the entrance, unaware of the way toni watches her go with concern seeping into her body with each passing second. cheryl had looked scared, beyond frightened, and toni could practically feel that energy coming off her as she passed. she has no idea what veronica could’ve said to her to prompt such a reaction…

 

but she has every intention of finding out. 

 

she exits her office, glancing down at her watch to check if she has time before her next client.

 

fifteen minutes. plenty of time.

 

her and veronica go way back, have been working in this office together for almost three years now, surely veronica won’t flake out on giving her any information…

 

toni makes her way to the room next door, knocks on it before peeking her head in to see veronica look up at her with a smile, pen in hand, writing down something in what toni has no doubt is cheryl’s file-

 

“hey, toni.”

 

“hey, veronica…you got a spare minute?” toni asks a little nervously, watching as veronica takes off her glasses and closes the file on her desk with a prompt nod.

 

“sure, my next appointment isn’t until half past. is everything okay?” veronica asks with concern. toni purses her lips and makes her way inside, closing the door shut behind her before she makes her way over to veronica with a smile.

 

“yeah, uh…just wondering how you’re doing with cheryl. i just saw her leave. how is she doing?” she asks as nonchalantly as she can. veronica smiles, nods at the seat opposite her desk, which toni unceremoniously plops down into with a sigh.

 

“she’s doing alright. i’m surprised she didn’t request to go back to your services, actually. she still seems apprehensive talking to me, but from what you’ve written in her file, she opened up a lot more with you.” veronica says firmly, cocking an eyebrow as toni simply chuckles to hide the way her heart plummets. 

 

_fuck, fuck, draw attention away from it-_

 

“guess i just wasn’t good enough, or maybe i was overbearing…” toni says with a simple shrug. veronica chuckles as she rubs at her eyes tiredly and sinks back into her chair.

 

“mmm, perhaps. regardless, she’s doing…okay. i’ve actually decided to start her on clomipramine, to help with her ocd.”

 

toni’s heart stops.

 

she…what? but…what the fuck, no, that’s not okay, that’s…she can’t just decide that out of nowhere, what the fuck is she doing?

 

oh god, no wonder cheryl looked so fucking _worried-_

 

“veronica…you’ve-you’ve only had two sessions with her, you can’t just prescribe her medication on a whim-.”

 

“oh, it’s hardly a _whim_ , toni. that girl is a mess, and she just told me that her ocd has gotten worse over the last few weeks regarding a…situation that came up. i’m doing something that will help her. we’ll start her on a low dose and work our way up, standard protocol. don’t worry, i’ll keep a close eye on her.” veronica says nonchalantly, like it’s not a big deal that she’s just prescribed a girl with a history of abuse some medication.

 

toni finds herself digging her nails into her palms angrily.

 

“veronica, her parents abused her for her entire life, and when the doctors suggested she be medicated for her ocd when she was young, they lashed out at _her._ did you even think of that before you decided to medicate her? she’s probably scared out of her mind to take anything that could help her!” toni growls slightly. veronica’s eyes widen as she blinks rapidly, opening cheryl’s file and glancing down at it in surprise before she looks up at toni.

 

“well, it wasn’t written in her file-.”

 

“that’s exactly my point, though! that’s something you should know but you don’t because you’ve only had two sessions with her! you barely know her, you shouldn’t be making that judgement call so early!” toni hisses, glaring at veronica as the woman cocks an eyebrow again and clears her throat before interlacing her fingers and staring at her sternly.

 

“toni, as far as i’m concerned, cheryl isn’t your problem anymore. i’d appreciate it if you didn’t tell me how to do my job.” veronica almost hisses through bared teeth, and toni has to resist the fucking urge to stomp her foot like a petulant child as she lets out a sigh of frustration.

 

“that’s not what i’m doing! you’re a brilliant therapist, veronica, but you can’t just hand out medication to clients so…so _quickly!_ that’s not fixing or helping, it’s just throwing them pills and hoping it’ll do your job for you!” toni exclaims, her anger getting the better of her, and as soon as the words leave her mouth, she knows she’s made a mistake.

 

veronica’s face immediately turns stony, her jaw clenching in contained anger as she rests her palms flat on her desk and pushes herself up out of her chair.

 

“toni, i’ll say this only once…that is not what i am doing at all, and i find it incredibly insulting that you think i’m capable of doing something as horrible as that. i suggest you back off…and stop getting involved in my client’s business.” veronica says simply, but with such a tone of finality and authority that toni almost finds herself shrinking in fear.

 

almost.

 

she was in a goddamn gang, veronica doesn’t fucking intimidate her.

 

“don’t pull that shit with me, ronnie, she was my client first!” toni cries out, jumping up from her chair and fighting the urge to blink back tears. god, cheryl must be freaking out right now, toni needs to get to her-

 

“why are you so worried about cheryl, a patient who is no longer yours, toni?” veronica says suddenly.

 

toni licks her lips, her heart pounding in her ears as veronica observes her suspiciously, and toni tries to change her body language, tries to relax her muscles so veronica doesn’t see how goddamn fucking tense she is right now, but she wasn’t lying when she said veronica is a fucking brilliant therapist-

 

“i…” 

 

_fuck, toni, just get out of here, go home, get to cheryl and talk to her about it…_

 

“never mind. clearly you think this is the right thing to do. i should…trust your judgement.” toni says stiffly, swallowing the lump in her throat and trying to contain her anger, and veronica blinks a few times, continues looking at her with nothing but suspicion before she sighs and nods once.

 

“it is, and you should. now…if you’ll excuse me, i need to get ready for my next client.” veronica slowly settles back down into her chair, grabbing her glasses and exhaling through her nose as she puts them back on, and toni lets out a shaky sigh of her own before she purses her lips and nods.

 

“of course…i’m sorry for overstepping.” she says simply. veronica doesn’t respond, so toni simply makes her way towards the door, closing it shut behind her and rushing towards her own office to grab her bag.

 

there’s no way she’ll be able to focus on anything now.

 

_fuck this, i’m coming, cher-_

 

she makes her way towards the front desk, smiling as midge pops her gum and looks up at her with a grin.

 

“hey, toni! what’s up?”

 

“midge, cancel the rest of my appointments for today and rebook them for later on this week. an emergency’s just come up.” 

 

\---------------

 

“cher?”

 

toni pushes the front door open almost frantically, throwing her keys down on the front table and mirror at the entrance before she makes her way down the hallway quickly.

 

“cheryl, are you home?” toni calls out, glancing around the living room and letting out a sigh of relief when she sees cheryl sitting on the couch, flicking through the channels on the tv with an almost devoid look in her eyes.

 

_fuck…_

 

“cher…” toni sighs, drops her bag unceremoniously and makes her way over to the couch, dropping down beside the red head and taking one of her hands into her own.

 

cheryl simply swallows thickly, her gaze dropped down to their intertwined hands before she finally speaks.

 

“veronica prescribed me some medication.” she says hollowly, looking up at toni in almost defeat as the pink haired girl sighs loudly and pulls cheryl’s hands up to her lips to press a kiss to her knuckles.

 

“i know, i saw how scared you looked when you left her office and i asked her about it…cheryl, you don’t have to take it, okay? it’s your choice at the end of the day and-.”

 

“i wanna do it.” cheryl says simply.

 

_oh...well shit._

 

she definitely wasn't expecting that reaction.

 

toni blinks once in surprise, shock coursing through her as she exhales shakily and simply purses her lips with a nod.

 

“i…are you sure? i mean, i don’t wanna sound like i don’t think it’s a good idea, but cheryl, she’s only had two sessions with you, she might be rushing into things here-.”

 

“if it helps with my ocd, i wanna take it, toni. it’s been getting really bad the last few weeks and honestly, i’m sick of it. i’m sick of feeling like this, i just wanna feel… _normal._ ” cheryl croaks out, tears welling in her eyes and causing toni to bite down on her lower lip to stop herself from crying at the sight of cheryl looking so _devastated._

 

“cheryl, i understand that, i really do, but maybe you should take some time to really think about this…anti-depressants aren't some magic fix, there's gonna be some side effects, and sometimes your mental health can get worse if your brain doesn't respond well to the medicine, you need to know that. this isn't gonna fix you overnight.” toni whispers, squeezing cheryl’s hand in her own and watching as the girl lets out a shaky sigh before she shakes her head.

 

“at…at any point during our sessions, did you think i should go on medication?” she asks softly, looking to toni in almost desperation. toni licks her lips, contemplates just straight up lying, but she can’t do it.

 

she can’t lie to cheryl. she hasn’t been able to since day one.

 

“i…i considered it, yes, but i wanted to have a few more sessions with you before i decided. cheryl, veronica barely knows you, this might not be a good idea just yet-.”

 

“i wanna try it. and you live with me, remember? if something goes wrong…you’ll be here to keep an eye on me, right?” cheryl interrupts, looking at her with nothing but hope shining in her eyes.

 

hope that toni refuses to diminish despite how much she’s against the idea of all of this…

 

it’s not that she doesn’t think cheryl should be on medication, toni’s pretty sure she should be, but for veronica to do this so suddenly and so quickly…just two sessions? it’s all moving so quickly, toni would _never_ do something like this with her clients…she’d want to have at least a good five to six sessions before making a decision like this one…

 

but this isn’t her life that’s being affected by this. it’s cheryl’s…toni has no say.

 

_i've gotta watch this girl like a fucking hawk for the next few weeks..._

 

“yeah, of course i will.” toni croaks out, the defeat already seeping into her as cheryl purses her lips and nods once in determination.

 

“great. so…everything will be fine.” she says simply, clearly coming to a conclusion in her mind that toni knows she won’t be able to talk her out of.

 

“cheryl…” toni starts, her heart pounding in her chest, but cheryl simply squeezes her hand in reassurance and gives her a small smile.

 

“i really wanna do this, toni. i…i _need_ this. i need _something._ ” cheryl says hoarsely, swallowing loudly and looking at toni in almost desperation that has the pink haired girl coming to a quick conclusion in her mind.

 

that this isn’t her choice…it’s cheryl’s. and that right now, cheryl needs her to be there for her, not question everything she's doing...

 

“okay…okay, ultimately this is your choice, cheryl. i’ll support you no matter what.” toni says softly, offering the girl a small smile as cheryl’s expression turns to one of hope, almost all traces of anxiety erased.

 

“okay…good. can...you come with me tomorrow to pick the prescription up? i just...i'm a little anxious about going...” cheryl asks nervously. toni simply nods once with a smile.

 

“yeah, course i can. i’m here for you, remember?” she whispers, pressing another kiss to her knuckles before she leans in slowly, cheryl meeting her halfway and pressing their lips together in a gentle kiss that has toni all but melting against her in awe.

 

god, she’ll never get used to this…she'll do anything for this girl, there's no doubt about it anymore...

 

cheryl peppers her lips with three gentle kisses before she pulls away and rests her forehead against toni’s with a simple, happy sigh.

 

“of course i remember. how could i forget?”


	14. you really care about her

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this took forever, i'm sorry, but i finally got cleared by my doctors to go back to work, and my ass is fucking broke after not working for a month and now i've got medical bills to pay so hahahahahah life is grand right now hahahhaaha (kill me)
> 
> anyway, here's this doozy of a chapter, it's long, it's an emotional rollercoaster...it's your typical 'endofdaysforme' chapter LMAO
> 
> hopefully i can get the next update out sooner than a week, don't hold me to it though, i spent the whole night up writing the second half of this so there might be some spelling mistakes if so forgive me but also...deal wif it, i'm tired.
> 
> i'm off to bed, hope you like it, this is kind of a time lapse chapter and goes through like three weeks i believe, so i hope you guys don't mind that! as always, catch me on twitter at @endofdaysforme and leave a comment cause they make my day! toodles!

“so…we’ve gotta talk.”

 

toni’s voice is soft, but filled with something that immediately fills cheryl with dread for reasons she can’t explain as she stabs her fork through a piece of orange chicken and uses it to move the rest of her food around restlessly, her eyes dragging up from her container of food to watch as toni purses her lips and looks to cheryl with concern.

 

“about what?” cheryl asks somewhat innocently, dropping her gaze back down to her food, fear gripping her that toni’s about to ask her about one of two things: one being her medication.

 

medication that cheryl isn’t even sure is working. 

 

granted, it’s only been about a week, and veronica had told her anti-depressants take a couple of weeks to truly kick in, but cheryl still feels like these pills are doing nothing for her. despite settling in to toni’s apartment quite well, she’s still constantly thinking about her brother and her parents, still tapping on the counter five times or closing the front door and locking it five times before she leaves, and she knows it’s driving toni up the wall because it’s driving her fucking crazy too, but she can’t fucking help it, it’s like these pills are hindering more than they’re helping.

 

toni had warned her that it might get worse before it gets better for the first week or so, but cheryl’s getting sick of it. she needs these fucking pills to hurry up and do what they’re supposed to do.

 

the second reason toni could be wanting to talk to her is because of what happened yesterday.

 

toni had come back from work in the evening sometime, and cheryl had been in the middle of scrubbing the pan she had cooked eggs out of that morning for the fourth time when toni had come up behind her and grabbed her wrists with a chuckle, telling her she’d cleaned it enough times.

 

and cheryl had pretty much yelled at her. 

 

“i just need to do it one more time, toni! let me do it!” cheryl had cried out, the desperation to do so causing her anxiety to flare and her entire body to begin trembling, and toni had simply looked at her in shock before she had stepped back and let her do it in peace. the rest of the night had been spent in slightly awkward silence, and cheryl doesn’t want to bring it up, but she knows they’re going to have to talk about it at some point-

 

“archie, actually.” 

 

cheryl’s head snaps up, her eyes wide as confusion rushes her. toni simply stares at her for a few moments before she takes a sip of her water and leans back into the couch with a sigh. 

 

archie? why do they need to talk about archie?

 

“he called the office today and booked an appointment with me for next week.” toni says simply, her gaze dropping down to her own food and avoiding cheryl wide eyed gaze.

 

cheryl, who immediately feels her heart clench at toni’s words.

 

_oh shit._

 

cheryl’s entire body burns red hot with anxiety as she purses her lips and attempts to keep her food down despite the bile rising in the back of her throat.

 

archie’s going to have therapy sessions with toni? but…no, he can’t do that, what if they talk about her, what if they talk about everything that’s happened, what if…what if this whole situation from archie’s point of view opens toni’s eyes and makes her realize that cheryl isn’t worth it? what if-

 

“cheryl? hey…” toni shifts a little closer to cheryl from her position on the other side of the couch, her other hand placing her container of chinese take away on top of the coffee table as she reaches out to rub her hand over cheryl’s arm with a smile.

 

“it’s gonna be okay. this is probably gonna be good for him, he can’t keep bottling up how he feels, especially about all of this, and it’s not like he’s living with a therapist that he can talk to whenever he wants.” she says with a soft chuckle, but cheryl doesn’t feel an ounce of humor flood her about the situation.

 

this is archie… _archie_ , her ex-fiancée archie, having therapist sessions with her…well, whatever the hell toni is, oh _god-_

 

“right…right, yeah, m-maybe…” cheryl manages to get out. her heart is pounding against her chest, and she knows that toni is right, that maybe this will actually be good for archie, to talk to someone about everything that’s happened, but talking to _toni?_ of all fucking people?

 

it’s terrifying, it’s…he can’t, he can’t see her, what if he blows up at her and gets mad at toni, or gets mad at cheryl? fuck, everything’s going so well for them right now, what if this ruins everything-

 

“cheryl, he needs this. i know you’re worried about it, but this affected him in a huge way, too. he needs to talk to someone, and maybe talking to me will actually help rather than hinder.” toni says in that goddamn comforting voice of hers, a voice that instantly has her shoulders relaxing as the tension leaves her. toni’s hand moves down to cheryl’s thigh to give it a gentle squeeze, one that prompts cheryl to bite down on her lower lip as she attempts to stop herself from crying.

 

she’s right…she’s right, toni’s right, she is…cheryl shouldn’t have a say in any of this…archie was suffering too, he deserves some kind of reprieve, and if he got it with therapy sessions then he deserves at least that for fuck’s sake…

 

“okay…okay, yeah, you’re r-right. i hope it helps…you’ll let me know if it does, yeah?” cheryl asks toni anxiously, and as soon as she sees the look of hesitation on toni’s face, she knows what’s coming next, knows she’s been misinterpreted-

 

“n-no, i don’t mean tell me what you talked about, you don’t need to talk about the sessions, just…at least let me know if it helps him.” cheryl says with a firm nod, gripping toni’s hand on top of her thigh and squeezing it tightly. toni smiles before she nods in agreement.

 

“okay. i’ll let you know.” cheryl smiles appreciatively, trying her best to calm herself down, and she’s actually surprised when a few deep breaths in manages to get her heartbeat back under control, her head coming to rest on top of toni’s shoulder as she sinks into her touch tiredly. toni chuckles and presses a kiss to her hairline before she wraps an arm around her shoulders and pulls her in closer. 

 

“you got a little panicked there. are you okay?” toni murmurs against her skin. cheryl simply exhales shakily, licks her lips before she nuzzles against toni a little closer for comfort.

 

“well, i’m feeling a little anxious right now, but surprisingly…i’m okay.” cheryl says truthfully. toni squeezes her, a heavy sigh escaping her as she stares at the tv with an almost deadpan expression, clearly bored by the display of deep sea fishing that’s showing.

 

“maybe the medication is starting to kick in…just keep being honest with me, cher, if you feel like something’s wrong, tell me immediately, okay?” toni asks, nails scratching at the skin of her bare arm tenderly and prompting cheryl to smile as she grips toni’s shirt between her fingers.

 

toni’s been checking in on her every single day since she started taking the medication a little over a week ago, and cheryl can’t help but feel incredibly cared for because of it. toni’s been absolutely amazing, even through all the ocd attacks, even through the yelling yesterday, and cheryl’s never been more grateful. She just wishes this medication would hurry up and work already so she can stop worrying about her craziness driving toni away…it’s the last thing she wants right now, and they still haven’t spoken about what happened yesterday…

 

“i will, i promise.” cheryl whispers. toni smiles, her chin coming to rest on top of cheryl’s head as she holds her impossibly closer. cheryl has no idea what’s going to happen in the future, with her medication, with a job, with finding an apartment, with fucking _anything_ , but right now…she’s just thankful to be here with toni.

 

she finds herself tightening her grip on toni’s shirt, feels herself slowly beginning to calm down before she shifts slightly to look up at toni with a frown. 

 

“this medication…if it doesn’t work, what’s the next step?” cheryl asks hoarsely. toni swallows thickly, her eyes falling back on the tv while the hand around her arm moves up, long fingers carding through red hair and causing a shiver to run up cheryl’s spine at the action.

 

“we start a different medication, see if that one works…it’s all trial and error, cheryl, but when we find the right one, we find it. there’s no rush, okay? not with something as delicate as this, i know you want nothing more than for the ocd attacks to stop, and they will, but if they don’t for now, _that’s okay._ ” cheryl sighs in exhaustion, the mere thought of living with this goddamn sickness for a day longer making her entire body heat up with anger, and she finds herself staring at the container toni’s left on the coffee table, the maddening urge to push it just a little to the left so it’s against the corner of the table making her skin almost itch desperately-

 

_oh god, not again, please…_

 

she immediately begins fidgeting, her brain working into overdrive-

 

_do it, do it, you **have** to do it, if you don’t do it, something bad will happen, do it-_

 

“i…m-maybe, it’s…i j-just-fuck!” cheryl jumps out of toni’s arms, grabbing the container and sliding it to the edge so the rectangle container is leveled perfectly with the edge of the table, and as soon as it’s done, cheryl finds herself pulling it away and pushing it forward again, pulling it away and pushing it forward again, three times, four-

 

“cher…” toni’s fingers close around her wrist, and cheryl blinks back tears and desperately looks up at her with a shake of her head.

 

“one more time? just…please…i-i need to, toni, please…” she whispers, fingers itching to reach past toni’s hold to the container, and cheryl can fucking see the sadness shining in toni’s eyes as she lets out a heavy sigh and finally releases her hold on her.

 

cheryl shifts the container again, feels her entire body relax as she counts the fifth shift of the container in her mind as she settles back into the couch, swallowing thickly and letting a stray tear fall from the corner of her eye.

 

one that toni quickly wipes away with the pad of her thumb, eyes expressing nothing but despair at seeing cheryl so distraught.

 

“cheryl…”

 

“they’re n-not working, t-toni, it’s…it’s g-getting worse-.” cheryl manages to choke out, toni’s touch overwhelming her to the point of tears as toni pulls her in close and wraps her arms around her tightly.

 

“i told you it might get worse before it gets better, we just gotta wait another week or so, cher…if it doesn’t show any signs of improvement, we’ll try a different medication, okay?” toni says softly. cheryl simply shakes her head against her, grips the back of toni’s shirt between her fingers as toni runs her fingers through her hair.

 

“shh, it’s okay, i’ve got you, i’m here…” 

 

“i yelled at you-.” cheryl gasps, tears falling rapidly as toni’s hold on her suddenly tightens.

 

“what? when? you mean yesterday?” toni asks in confusion, her hand still rubbing up and down cheryl’s back as the girl nods against her shoulder. toni sighs heavily again before she pulls back only slightly to press a kiss to cheryl’s temple tenderly.

 

“baby, i’m not mad about that at all…cheryl, i’ve seen this a lot of times before, do you know how many of my clients i’ve put on medication? it’s normal for the symptoms to get worse sometimes, that’s why i’m not getting mad about any of your attacks…i’m just trying to help you through them as best as i can. i promised to keep an eye on you, remember?” toni coos gently, gripping the back of cheryl’s neck as she buries her face into toni’s with a whine and a curt nod. toni chuckles into her ear before she kisses it sweetly.

 

“it’s just gonna take time, cher. and i know how much it sucks, because time always seems to go slower when we want things to improve, but we’ll get there, okay? you just gotta keep breathing…there you go…” toni praises, smiling as cheryl slowly begins to take deeper breaths in and out before she pulls away and looks at toni with a shaky exhale, tears falling down her cheeks and her bottom lip trembling…

 

toni smiles sadly at her and simply leans in to press a kiss to the corner of her mouth.

 

“you’re gonna be okay, cheryl. i promise.” toni whispers. 

 

and cheryl, despite all her fatigue and all her anxiety, finds herself believing her, deep down underneath it all. because toni brings her a sense of calm. and if there’s one person she trusts more than anything in this world, it’s the girl sitting before her.

 

“o-okay.” 

 

“mmm, good…now pass me the remote, because if i see one more fish, i might crack.”

 

\------------------

 

“this is…strange.”

 

archie continues to clench and unclench his fists from where they’re resting on his stomach, his lips pursed, jaw clenched as he avoids eye contact with toni and stares up at the ceiling, but toni simply sighs and runs her fingers through her hair before she sinks further into her seat, watching him carefully for any signs of genuine discomfort.

 

“it is a little bit.” she says with a weak and slightly awkward smile, prompting archie to scoff as he shakes his head.

 

“just a little bit…” he grumbles under his breath, his shoulders still tensed up, and toni hesitates before she simply sits forward, resting her elbows on her knees as she does.

 

they’ve been here for about ten minutes now in silence, and toni’s trying her best to ease archie into this but it’s been no easy feat. of course she knew there was going to be tension, but archie looks like he’s regretting every decision he’s ever made right now, and toni knows that he’s just being stubborn because it’s _her_ in the room, but the thing is, despite their past…she _wants_ to help him.

 

“look, i know this is weird for you, archie, but you’re the one who booked the appointment.” toni says slowly. archie rolls his eyes as he crosses his arms over his chest and finally looks to her from where he’s lying on the couch with wide eyes and concern written all over his face.

 

“well, i need someone to help me get through this whole thing and no one else was available!” he sighs, scratching at his forehead absentmindedly, and toni simply raises an eyebrow.

 

she knows that’s not the reason why he booked the appointment…but she’s not about to call him out on it. she wants to help him, and she’s happy to do this, she just needs him to stop hesitating and just _talk_ to her.

 

_god, it’s like dealing with cheryl all over again…_

 

“archie…”

 

“alright, alright, i’m…i’m good. okay…so…how exactly do i go about this?” he says with a shaky exhale, his shoulders relaxing slightly into the seat as toni finds herself chuckling despite herself.

 

“try to relax and just…talk.” toni says simply. archie cocks an eyebrow at her.

 

“about what?”

 

“anything, archie. what you’re feeling…what you did today, just anything. ease into it.” archie’s eyes widen as he looks at her in surprise, his shoulders shifting slightly uncomfortably as he does while he clears his throat with his cheeks slightly reddening with embarrassment. 

 

“just like that?”

 

“just like that.” toni replies with a slight smirk. she knew trying the ‘like you’re talking to a friend’ method would help, and she can see how archie relaxes even more as he clears his throat again before he licks his lips and nods, staring up at the ceiling once more.

 

“okay, um…i’m still feeling, like…i don’t know, this is just weird, toni, i’m essentially talking about my relationship breaking apart with the girl who stole my fiancée from me!” archie cries out, rubbing at his tired eyes as toni sinks into her chair with defeat at his words.

 

god, she thought he was finally getting it-

 

“archie, i didn’t _steal_ cheryl, that’s not what happened. cheryl’s been gay her whole life, she just didn’t-.”

 

“no, i know, i…i know that. i know…i’m just…it’s weird, okay?” archie runs his fingers through his hair with another shaky sigh, his head slamming slightly against the arm rest of the chair as toni simply leans back into her chair and nods.

 

“okay.” she says, not wanting to push him too far, and archie nods a few times, eyes closing as he takes a few deep breaths in.

 

it’s quiet for a few moments before archie bites down on his lower lip and looks at toni with a deep and heavy sigh.

 

“i’m…it’s getting easier. to get over her. over cheryl.” archie says slowly, nodding along in agreement to what he’s saying as toni frowns and simply stares at him.

 

she supposes that’s a good thing, but she’s a little surprised it’s happening so quickly. for cheryl it was understandable…she harbored no romantic feelings for archie from the start, but for him, it was _real._ they were together for eight years, is archie _really_ getting over his feelings for her in such a short span of time?

 

“you mean your feelings for her aren’t so strong anymore?” she asks instead. archie nods again.

 

“yeah…i mean i still love her, i think part of me always will, but…it’s not so much romantic anymore, you know? i guess after we broke up, i took the time to really think about the eight years that we were together, and i looked deeper into our relationship and i noticed just how much i missed…cheryl really wasn’t happy with me. and realizing that makes it easier, because i just…i just want her to be happy.” archie says, a genuine smile lighting up his face and prompting toni to smile as well, but before she can say anything, archie continues.

 

“i think the spark i thought was there was just…really never there. maybe i conjured it up in my brain or something, but now i think deeper about it and it’s just all…static, you know? i can’t believe how blind i was to how _miserable_ cheryl was, being stuck in a relationship with someone she could never truly love…and it hurts to think about it that way, but it’s the truth. a sad truth, but the truth nonetheless. and now that we’ve embraced that truth we can both move on and actually be happy…it’s a good thing at the end of it all.” archie concludes, a deep sigh escaping him. toni simply shifts in her seat and nods once as she leans forward again.

 

“that’s great, archie. it’s good that you’re finding a way to move past the pain of what’s happened and find the positives…cheryl’s happiness is what matters, but yours does, too. and it lies in being able to move on, which it seems like you’re doing. i’m glad you didn’t expect it to happen overnight, either.” archie scoffs suddenly, looking at her with a raised eyebrow.

 

“it’s been well over a month since everything happened, this is definitely not happening overnight.” he says firmly. toni rolls her eyes, but grins at him regardless as she shrugs and nods once at him.

 

“still…i think you’re doing pretty well. surprisingly well, actually, considering how long you two were together for.” archie’s smile widens before he sinks back into his chair, way more relaxed than how he started as he nods slowly.

 

“yeah…yeah, i’m actually considering trying to get back on the dating scene. i figured it might help me get over this whole thing with cheryl, too.” he says, looking to toni with an almost hopeful look in his eyes that has toni staring at him in surprise.

 

wow…for archie to really come to terms with his relationship ending with cheryl by getting back into dating…it’s insane, but it also makes her so insanely proud, and she’d tell him herself if she didn’t think it was slightly condescending. it’s not like she and archie know each other that well and archie does kind of have a point…toni is lowkey responsible for cheryl leaving him…

 

“it might…i think it’s a good idea.” toni says in agreement immediately. archie’s eyes spark with excitement as he slowly sits up and faces her, face shining with something she’s never seen before.

 

“yeah? i’m just a little hesitant…i spent eight years with somebody, it’s weird being single again.” he says with hesitation, staring at her apprehensively as toni sits back in her chair and plays with the pen between her fingers while she processes what to say.

 

it’s definitely a good idea for archie to start dating again…but she’s not exactly sure how cheryl would react to that news…

 

“that’s understandable, but i still think it’s a step forward. you can’t stay stagnant forever, archie. as much as it hurts, that time with cheryl has passed, and the only way you’re going to move on is if you allow yourself to, which i think going on a date will help with. have you gone on any yet?” toni asks, genuine interest gripping her as archie shifts slightly, the discomfort quickly returning.

 

“uh, not yet, but…but there is kind of someone i’m interested in.” archie says, his cheeks reddening again, this time from shyness as he bites down on his bottom lip to stop himself from grinning.

 

something that immediately has toni looking at him in surprise, unable to stop herself from smiling at the way he’s shifting slightly like a high schooler hiding a crush.

 

“really?” 

 

“yeah…but, it’s…complicated.” he says with a wince.

 

toni can’t help but frown at that.

 

“complicated?” she asks, watching with intrigue as archie hesitates before he sighs and sinks into the chair in defeat.

 

“there’s someone i really wanna ask on a date, but i think it might be…inappropriate.” he says firmly, looking at toni in this way that has toni herself staring at him sadly as she licks her lips and leans in a little closer, intrigue getting the better of her.

 

this isn’t even a therapy session anymore, it’s like a goddamn gossip one-

 

“why? who is it?” toni says, biting back a grin as excitement gets the better of her, and archie looks like he’s fighting back his own smile as he bounces slightly in his seat before looking at her pleadingly.

 

“please don’t say anything to cheryl…”

 

toni falters at that.

 

it’s not that she’ll say anything to cheryl, but if he doesn’t want her to know, that definitely means it involves her in some way, and that gives her pause for just a brief moment before she inhales sharply and smiles at him as best as she can.

 

“doctor/patient confidentiality, archie. i won’t say a word.” toni says, crossing her index and middle fingers of her right hand and resting it over her heart, and archie smiles and takes a deep breath in before he nods.

 

“it’s josie. her best friend, josie.” he says simply.

 

_oh, whoa…_

 

toni’s hit with overwhelming shock, not at all expecting archie to say the name of cheryl’s goddamn best friend and her former client. toni knows josie quite well, had helped her through a lot of issues she was having after her father had passed away about a year ago…josie had found herself in a slump, creatively and just generally. her father had been her biggest inspiration in her life, especially with her music, and once he was gone, josie had lost any ounce of confidence she once had, especially with her work.

 

but toni had managed to get through to her, had managed to show her that her talent came from _within_ , not from simply having a musically talented father, and josie had only had about ten or so sessions with her before she no longer felt the need to continue seeing her.

 

they kept in contact though, josie and toni getting along well enough to establish a friendship outside of this office, which is why she had agreed to go to josie’s performance that night at the club when cheryl invited her, and toni finds herself trying to imagine archie and josie together…

 

she finds she doesn’t exactly think it’s a bad match at all. josie is an incredibly confident and outspoken girl, and archie was a respectful, loyal man. maybe they’d work well together…

 

“do…do you know josie well?” toni asks inquiringly. this unbelievable smile lights up archie’s face as he nods slowly, looking at toni almost happily as he sinks back into his chair again.

 

“yeah, she’s been cheryl’s best friend since college, so we’re always hanging out, and i always thought she was so cool, and god, absolutely gorgeous…we get along really well, too, but i obviously never acted on those feelings because, well, i loved cheryl. but now, i mean, i’d love to explore something with her, it’s just…i don’t want cheryl to be upset by it, you know?” archie says anxiously, looking at toni, who thinks the situation over quickly and crosses her legs over each other with a deep sigh.

 

josie and archie…wow. of course, toni thinks the world of both of them, and if there’s a single person who toni thinks is deserving of archie’s love, it’s josie mccoy, and if there’s a single person who toni thinks is deserving of josie’s love, it’s archie andrews, but in all honestly…she kind of doesn’t know how cheryl would react to the news of archie and josie dating.

 

it’s her best friend and her former fiancée, it’s bound to incite some complicated feelings inside of cheryl despite everything that’s happened…and with her being on new medication that she’s never had before and is already anxious about, medication that has her ocd attacks becoming more frequent as her body adjusts to it, the idea of this happening during all of that…

 

_you can’t ask archie to delay his happiness for cheryl, he’s already done that for eight years, toni…_

 

“hmmm…i think it’ll be weird for her, seeing her best friend dating her ex-fiancée, but you know at the end of the day she just wants you to be happy, archie.” toni says truthfully. archie nods slowly, that frown still etched on his face before he looks to toni nervously.

 

“yeah, i know that, but it’s still gonna be like…super fucking awkward, right?” he says with a sigh. toni bites down on her lower lips and simply tells the truth.

 

“it’s…a catch twenty two. it might be good for you to date someone you kind of already know and kind of already vibe with, but at the same time, it might be a little more difficult for you to really move on from cheryl if you start dating her best friend, especially considering how close josie and cheryl are…it could put a strain on your relationship with cheryl, too…” she says slowly, weighing out the options in her head as archie looks at her desperately, shoulders slumping with a heavy sigh.

 

“so…you think i shouldn’t do it?” he asks glumly. toni hesitates before she shrugs and shakes her head.

 

“i think you should do what you think is right, archie. if you really like josie, you should go for it. cheryl will be understanding, i know she will. she loves you and she loves josie, so she’ll be happy for you guys if you’re happy.” toni says with a smile. archie nods slowly, and toni can practically see the cogs turning in his brain before he ruffles the back of his head.

 

“i’ll think it through, i mean, there’s even a chance josie doesn’t even remotely like me in that way.” archie says with a scoff. toni finds herself chuckling as she nods in agreement.

 

“that’s true…” she says simply. archie sighs and sinks back against the couch with a groan before he smiles at her softly.

 

“thanks, toni. for everything. cheryl’s right, you’re kind of a really awesome therapist.” he mumbles, looking at her with a warm smile that’s only _slightly_ tinted with awkwardness, one that toni reciprocates before leaning forward to rest her hand on archie’s knee.

 

“hey, it’s the least i can do. now…anything else you wanna discuss?”

 

“uh, yeah, a lot. how much time have you got?”

 

\--------------

 

the second toni walks through the door, the smell of something different, but also incredibly _good_ fills her nostrils, causing her stomach to grumble hungrily as she lets out a loud groan and calls out down the hallway as she closes the door behind her.

 

“cher? please tell me you’re cooking something amazing!” she yells. she hears the sound of soft laughter peal out, the sound making a shiver run up her spine and a smile light up her face before she can stop it.

 

“how does spaghetti and meatballs sound?”

 

toni practically tears down the hallway at the sound of that, kicking her shoes off and dropping her bag on the couch before she jumps the little step and makes her way in the kitchen, where cheryl is removing the lid off a pot, hot steam rising from it and causing her to squint as she waves her hand over the top of it. she’s wearing simple denim shorts and this flannel button up shirt that kind of falls off her shoulders, and her hair is slightly tousled, but she looks just as gorgeous as the day toni first laid eyes on her.

 

“just on time, too! it’s done!” cheryl says with a grin, turning to face toni before she leans in to press a kiss to her cheek. her lips linger for just a moment longer than usual, that spark between them igniting a fire inside toni that she desperately tries to stow as she inhales sharply before leaning in to sniff the food with a moan of appreciation.

 

“it smells amazing, cheryl, thank you.”

 

“mmm, you’re welcome. how…how was your day?” cheryl asks nonchalantly, not at all being as suave as she thinks, because as always:

 

toni sees right through her.

 

“we’ll talk about it over dinner, yeah?” toni says with a chuckle. cheryl’s shoulders slump, but she grabs two bowls regardless and pours food into them both for herself and toni before they make their way over to the couch. but instead of turning the tv on like she usually does, toni simply turns to face cheryl with a smile as she stabs her fork into her food and twirls it.

 

“so…i know you wanna know how archie’s session went, and as much as i can’t share the details with you, i can at least say that…it went well. we spoke about a lot, and we talked about how he’s feeling…he’s actually doing pretty good, cher. he’s slowly moving past everything that’s happened.” toni tells her, smiling as best as she can despite how much anxiety she can see resting behind cheryl’s eyes.

 

cheryl hesitates, and toni can see how much she wants to ask toni for more details, wants to ask her more about what archie said, particularly about her, but toni refuses to do so.

 

she’s already breaking the promise she made when she became a therapist by having any sort of relationship with cheryl, she’s not about to add more to her list of bad conduct…and archie had asked her not to say anything, so she won’t. how can she be a good therapist if she breaks the trust her client’s give her?

 

“i’m sorry i can’t tell you more, cheryl, but i promise…i’ll look after him, okay?” toni says softly, reaching her hand out to tuck a lock of hair behind cheryl’s ear as the girl smiles and leans into her touch tenderly.

 

“i know you will, toni. i trust you to. it’s just…tough.” she says with a deep sigh, scratching at her brown absentmindedly. toni licks her lips, takes another bite of her food before she nods in agreement.

 

“mmm, i know…” she says simply, feeling horrible for keeping things from cheryl, but the red haired girl leans in closer to her and suddenly wipes away something from the corner of toni’s mouth with the pad of her thumb, a soft chuckle escaping her as she does.

 

“is it good?” she asks eagerly, clearly wanting to change the subject. toni grins and nods, taking another bite and nodding furiously. cheryl might not be gordon ramsay, but the girl can fucking cook, even if toni’s hungry enough to eat just about anything right now, she can’t deny that.

 

“it’s amazing. _you’re_ amazing.” toni says with a smile, and cheryl’s smile only widens as she suddenly adjusts herself until she’s closer to toni, who also moves and pulls cheryl into her lap, the girl’s back resting against her chest as she places her plate of food on the armrest and wraps one arm around cheryl’s chest, the other twirling her fork on her food.

 

it’s quiet for a few moments, the both of them taking a few more bites of food and simply reveling in being in each other’s embrace before toni finally decides to ask the question she’s been asking every day for two weeks now.

 

“how are you feeling?” she says firmly. she feels cheryl tense only the slightest bit in her arms before she lets out a sigh and simply shrugs, taking another bite of her food as she does.

 

“i’m okay.” cheryl says simply. toni frowns at that, stares at the back of her head in concern before she tightens her hold on her a little and presses a kiss to the back of cheryl’s head.

 

she’s been saying that a lot over the last two or so days, and it’s starting to worry her. cheryl’s officially on week three of taking this medication, and she’s not showing any signs of improvement…

 

“just okay?” she asks with concern, nails scratching slightly at cheryl’s bare arm and causing goosebumps to erupt over her pale skin as she suddenly draws her knees up and sinks further into toni with another nod and shrug.

 

“yeah, just okay…but it’s a step up from feeling terrible all the time, you know?” cheryl says with a heavy sigh, looking back at toni with a smile as the pink haired girl stares at the back of her head once again with her worry only slightly decreasing at her words.

 

“that’s true…” she says truthfully, but her mind is spinning at a million miles an hour, because if cheryl’s starting to feel a bit better, like her emotions aren’t haywire and all over the place, then that’s definitely good…it means the medication is working, and she’s definitely not getting worse, which is also a positive sign. toni’s pretty sure she hasn’t seen cheryl go on any cleaning sprees for a couple of days now…

 

just to prove her point further, cheryl places her now empty plate of food onto the coffee table and doesn’t make a move to nudge it when she sees it’s off center from the corner, simply curls back into toni’s chest while reaching for the remote at the same time, and toni blinks once in surprise, but finds herself smiling slightly despite herself.

 

maybe this medication is actually working for her…

 

“toni, do you think we can just watch a movie tonight? i know we usually go out for ice-cream on wednesdays, but i’m feeling a little tired.” cheryl says suddenly, leaning back a little more to look up at her, and toni simply smiles and kisses her temple with a nod.

 

“of course, cher. no problem.” cheryl smiles widely before snuggling further into her and looking up at the tv, and toni finds herself slowly relaxing into the couch more and more the longer cheryl doesn’t make a move to nudge the bowl into place.

 

_maybe she’s actually on her way to recovering…_

 

the thought has toni grinning as she pulls cheryl further into her embrace, peppering the back of her head with kisses and wrapping her arms around her tighter as she does.

 

cheryl turns on some movie that barely catches either of their interest, and toni eventually finds herself laying on the couch with her legs on either side of cheryl’s body and her back resting against the armrest as cheryl lays further against her, back pressed against toni’s chest, who has her arms wrapped around her securely with a smile.

 

it starts of nice enough, the both of them wrapped in each other’s embrace, cheryl’s eyes glued to the tv, but looking as distant as ever…not that toni can see it.

 

her nose is buried in red hair, the scent of hibiscus and cherry blossom invading her senses and making her spine curl as she uses one hand to gather cheryl’s hair and sweep it over her left shoulder out of her way, her lips moving around the curve of cheryl’s right ear and down to the spot beneath it, pressing a feather light kiss that has cheryl shivering slightly against her before-

 

cheryl tilts her head to the side just a little with a breathy gasp, clearly giving toni more room to move, which she does, her lips trailing over her jawline before she licks her lips and hesitates for just the briefest moment.

 

she doesn’t want to push her too far…

 

cheryl lets out a shaky breath suddenly, and toni feels her shoulder wriggle just under her chin, causing her flannel top to inch a little closer to falling off her shoulder, and toni finds herself lifting a hand almost subconsciously, her fingers curling into the neckline of the flannel and tugging it to the right just to expose her shoulder a little more…

 

her lips almost fall against pale, alabaster skin immediately, gentle kisses pressed to the newly exposed skin as cheryl trembles against her before she’s letting out this soft, barely audible moan that instantly has toni’s eyes fluttering closed as she tries to contain herself, but _fuck_ is it hard. 

 

it’s fucking intoxicating, the sound of her, the smell of her, and she wants nothing more than to pin cheryl down to this couch and spend _hours_ pulling those noises out of her over and over and over and over again-

 

her lips move back up to her neck with a hum, the lightest of kisses made upon cheryl’s throbbing pulse point before she pulls back and tugs cheryl’s shirt back over her shoulder with a sigh. 

 

“sorry…i went too far.” toni murmurs, but cheryl shifts in her hold before she clears her throat and shakes her head.

 

“not at all!” she manages to squeak out, prompting toni to chuckle softly before she kisses the back of her head once more.

 

“when you’re ready, cher. remember?” cheryl purses her lips and simply nods, relaxing into toni’s touch as the pink haired girl ceases her actions and simply settles into the couch in a slight daze.

 

because if simply kissing parts of cheryl’s skin can send her mind into such a frenzy, she has no idea what will happen once they actually take the next step in their…whatever it is they have.

 

\-------------------

 

**_october 4th._ **

 

the date stares her right in the face, her brown eyes blinking rapidly as she stares at the formation of number and letters shining on her phone before it fades, and she presses the button on the side of her phone to light it up again just so she can stare at the date a little longer.

 

she should feel something. she should.

 

she doesn’t. 

 

instead she simply turns over onto her back and stares at the ceiling for a couple of moments before she throws the covers off herself and pushes herself out of bed.

 

it’s just another day.

 

she fights back a yawn and grabs the hoodie on the ground by her bed, pulling it up and over her head and shivering slightly from the cold winter air that’s beginning to creep in as she makes her way into the kitchen and finds toni already awake and cooking eggs in a pan on the stove.

 

toni looks up at her in surprise, eyes blinking rapidly before she smiles that beautiful, radiant smile that always makes cheryl feel just a little giddy inside, but she must be tired or something, because it doesn’t really ignite anything in her like it used to-

 

“morning, cher. want some?” toni asks simply, nodding down to the eggs, and cheryl simply nods once and opens the fridge to grab some orange juice. she pours herself a glass just as toni cracks two more eggs into the pan, the coffee pot brewing loudly beside her as cheryl drinks from her glass slowly. 

 

“hey, i know today is gonna be a bit difficult, but even though i have an appointment with archie, i want you to know i’m here for you too, okay? you can talk to me about how you’re feeling about everything-.”

 

“it’s not a big deal, toni. it’s just a day.” cheryl says truthfully, draining her glass quickly and placing it in the sink before grabbing a mug and pouring herself a cup of coffee. toni frowns, but flips over the eggs before turning to face cheryl as she grabs a mug for toni as well. 

 

“it’s not just a day, cheryl-.”

 

“it really is. i’m fine, i promise.” cheryl says with a chuckle, smiling at the way toni’s frown deepens before she pokes at the lines on her forehead teasingly.

 

“stop frowning, you’re only twenty six, you shouldn’t have wrinkles.” cheryl says with a cheeky grin, prompting all the worry to disappear from toni’s face as she stares at her in mock surprise. 

 

“rude! i do not have wrinkles!”

 

“hmm, debatable!” 

 

something in the back of cheryl’s mind tells her that she should talk to toni about the fact that the wedding was supposed to happen on this date, something toni is very much aware of, but she finds herself not really wanting to talk about it, so she decides not to.

 

instead, once she’s done with breakfast, she makes her way to the bathroom and pulls out the little orange container full of her pills, and pops two into her mouth as instructed. 

 

five weeks now on these pills…cheryl hasn’t really had any ocd attacks in the last two weeks or so, which she guesses is a good thing…

 

toni watches her from the door of the bathroom with a neutral expression that cheryl can’t really read, but she doesn’t find the need to do so as she swallows them down and looks at her in the mirror with a smile before turning to face her.

 

“i’ll see you in the evening?” she asks simply. toni smiles and moves into the bathroom, her hand reaching out to take cheryl’s as she presses a kiss to her knuckles tenderly. 

 

“yeah…call me or text me if you need anything, anything at all, okay?” toni says eagerly, watching as cheryl nods slowly, even though she knows it’s not necessary.

 

“i will.”

 

“okay, good…just find something to distract yourself, yeah? start looking for jobs or an apartment again, something just to take your mind off it.” toni suggests, and cheryl finds something nagging at the back of her mind again that she hasn’t really done that for a week or so now, hasn’t looked for a job, hasn’t looked for an apartment, hasn’t really done anything-

 

“are you trying to get rid of me, toni topaz?” cheryl teases, watching as toni’s eyes widen before she shakes her head furiously.

 

“no! of course not, i just…i don’t want today to upset you and i’m not here to help you.” toni says with a deep sigh, looking at her with worry again, worry that cheryl tries her best to erase with a kiss to the corner of her mouth.

 

“mmm, i’ll be fine. now go to work before you’re late.” cheryl says simply before promptly turning and making her way into the living room. she hears toni sigh again as she follows behind her, and cheryl plops herself down onto the couch and reaches for the remote as toni grabs her back and makes her way over to her, curling a hand around the back of her head and pressing a kiss to her forehead.

 

“okay…i’m off. call me if you need anything.” toni murmurs. cheryl simply nods against her lips again, watches as she makes her way towards the door, and when she hears the door click shut behind the pink haired girl, she flicks the power button on the remote, sees _catfish tv show_ on, and settles onto the couch with a happy sigh.

 

oh, she’s so not moving from this couch today…

 

toni, meanwhile, stands outside the front door for at least a minute or two, contemplates going back inside and asking cheryl how she’s really feeling, but she doesn’t want to overcrowd her and doesn’t want to overwhelm her. 

 

so instead, she sighs and makes her way towards the elevator, down to the parking lot, where she heads straight for her bike, grabs the helmet off the handle and places it over her head before reaching into her keys in her pocket and turning the bike on.

 

the day passes by in a blur, toni counting down the hours, the minutes, the _seconds_ until three o’clock when archie’s appointment is, and she also finds herself constantly checking for notifications to see if cheryl has messaged her, but nothing.

 

she finds herself getting more and more worried as the hours go on, and she ends up messaging cheryl as soon as the afternoon comes around, unable to contain herself from doing so.

 

**you [12:18]**  
_hey, how are you holding up?_

 

toni ends up spending most of her session with one of her clients completely distracted by cheryl’s lack of reply, is constantly looking down at her phone to check if a message has come through, and she feels absolutely terrible about it, but thankfully it’s one of her clients who’s well on her way to ending her sessions with toni, finally reaching a place of calm and understanding within herself…

 

as soon as she leaves, toni checks her phone and finally sees a reply, her fingers flying out to grip her phone desperately.

 

**cheryl blossom [13:05]**  
_i’m fine, toni, stop stressing! i’ll see you tonight!_

 

toni finds herself not being reassured at all by her words, and it isn’t until archie comes into her office that she finds herself finally erasing her worry out of cheryl from her mind.

 

because archie comes in with tears streaming down his face, a complete and utter emotional mess as he looks at toni with his face screwed up in pain as soon as he walks through the door.

 

“oh, archie…” toni whispers, standing up from her desk and making her way over to him, and archie simply blubbers as he suddenly pulls toni into a tight hug with a choked out sob.

 

“w-we were s-supposed t-to g-get m-married today-.”

 

“shh, i know…i know, i’m so sorry.” 

 

she spends most of the session holding a crying archie in her arms, the boy clearly struggling with everything as he blubbers to her about how he isn’t necessarily sad that he and cheryl are broken up…just sad that this day was supposed to be one filled with so much happiness and excitement for the future and instead it was now filled with…well, this.

 

“archie, maybe head over to my apartment and talk to cheryl…maybe seeing her and talking to her will help you both get through today.” toni whispers. archie looks up at her in surprise with bloodshot and puffy eyes, sniffling as he swallows thickly.

 

“is sh-she struggling too?” he croaks out. toni hesitates before she sighs and simply tells him the truth.

 

“she said she was okay this morning, but i don’t know…” archie frowns, and it looks like he’s thinking about it for at least a few moments before he sighs and shakes his head. 

 

“i d-don’t know, toni, i…i th-think seeing her will just h-hurt more…”

 

toni didn’t push the subject after that, and by the end of their session, toni is fucking exhausted, but she still has two more sessions to go, so she simply uses her half hour break to go on a run, changing into her running gear and heading out, desperate to get her mind clear just a little bit so she can focus on her last two patients and not have a repeat of what happened earlier in the morning.

 

she spends her run contemplating if she should tell cheryl how archie is struggling today, even wonders if she should send a message to cheryl asking her to message him so they can talk, but she feels like it isn’t her place to, and archie had said he didn’t want to see her, so she finds herself simply sighing in frustration and running just a little faster and harder than she usually does. 

 

by the end of the day, toni’s practically rushing straight to her bike, desperate to get home to see cheryl, and as soon as she walks through the door, she’s calling out her name in an almost panicked desperation.

 

“cheryl?!”

 

she kicks off her shoes and runs down the hallway-

 

and finds cheryl in pretty much the exact same position toni left her in this morning. on the couch, watching tv, her eyes distant and almost dazed for a brief second before she looks up at toni with a raised eyebrow and a slight smile.

 

“i thought you were at work, why are you in your running gear?” she asks with a chuckle, clearly not even remotely taking in toni’s face and how she’s staring at her in shock.

 

toni stands there in silence for a few seconds, her mind spinning as she licks her lips and clears her throat.

 

“i had a half hour break so i went for a run to clear my mind…cheryl, have you moved at all today?” toni manages to get out, worry gripping every part of her over the way cheryl shifts slightly and shrugs.

 

“uh, yeah, a little…had a bit of a lazy day today.” she says simply, shrugging her sweater closer to her body, causing toni to realize she hasn’t changed out of her clothes from this morning, either.

 

_fuck, something’s wrong, something’s really wrong here…_

 

toni makes her way over to cheryl, plops herself down on top of coffee table in front of cheryl, blocking her view from the tv and causing the girl to let out a little whine of protest.

 

“cheryl…baby, are you okay?” toni whispers, reaching out to grip her hand and causing cheryl to look up at her in surprise before she smiles.

 

“yeah, course. why wouldn’t i be?” cheryl says simply, grabbing the remote and turning off the tv from around toni’s body before she looks at the pink haired girl with a raised eyebrow. 

 

_something’s fucking wrong…_

 

“archie was a mess…he had his session with me today, and he was upset because it was supposed to be the day you were two were getting married.” toni says matter-of-factly, watching carefully as cheryl’s shoulders slump a little in defeat, this sigh escaping her that toni finds herself frowning at.

 

because it doesn’t sound genuine at all.

 

“i know, he messaged me this afternoon…i feel terrible, toni.” she says sadly, but it doesn’t quite reach her eyes, and it’s so different…so different from the cheryl that toni knows, the one that wears her emotions on her sleeve, the one who talks to her about everything she’s feeling…

 

she knows what this is, because she’s seen it before. sometimes it can happen out of nowhere, and she feels like such a fucking idiot for not preparing herself for the possibility of this happening. 

 

“you sound like you don’t mean that.” toni’s trying her best not to break down, but tears are welling in her eyes as she swallows the lump in her throat and watches as cheryl looks at her in complete and utter confusion.

 

“what? toni, what are you talking about?” she says with a scoff of disbelief. toni reaches out and grips her hands in her own, lifting them to her lips to press a kiss to her knuckles as she tries her best to smile.

 

“cheryl…you know it’s okay to not be okay, right?” she whispers. cheryl smiles softly, the look actually reaching her eyes this time as she squeezes toni’s hands in her own reassuringly. 

 

“but i _am._ toni, i’m fine.” cheryl says firmly, her smile once again not meeting her eyes, and toni feels her heart just _break_ at the sight.

 

this isn’t cheryl…this isn’t her at all.

 

the medication isn’t working. it’s helped her ocd, sure, but god, this…this isn’t cheryl.

 

“i don’t think you are-.” toni starts, but cheryl interrupts her with a scoff and a roll of her eyes as she leans back away from her and flops onto the couch with a shrug.

 

“toni, god…stop it, i’m fine.” she says simply, shaking her head in disbelief as toni licks her lips and moves off the coffee table to drop down onto the couch beside her, reaching for her hands again to make sure her fucking point gets across.

 

“cheryl…fuck, it’s the anti-depressants talking, okay? they…they cause this sometimes, they cause emotions to get blocked off completely, that’s why i keep asking if you really are okay, because you might think you are but in reality…” toni hesitates, panic slowly beginning to settle in as cheryl continues to stare at her blankly.

 

“cheryl, do you feel _anything?_ anything at all?” toni croaks out. cheryl frowns at that, this long pause suddenly causing silence to fill the room as cheryl licks her lips and looks up at her with barely any expression on her face.

 

“i…no. i…i d-don’t know, i…” she trails off, letting out this shaky sigh as toni comes to quickly to a solution in her mind.

 

“okay…okay, we need to talk to veronica about changing your medication-.”

 

“what? why?” cheryl says sharply, yanking her heads out of toni’s grip and looking at her as if toni just slapped her across the face and insulted her.

 

“b-because these ones aren’t working, cheryl, they’re blocking you off from your emotions-.” toni cries out, but cheryl once again interrupts her.

 

“why is that a bad thing?” she says incredulously, scoffing and suddenly turning to face the tv as toni feels her heart begin to pound against her chest almost painfully with anxiety.

 

_no, no, she can’t want this, she’s upset and confused, fuck, toni, why didn’t you see this earlier-_

 

“i…cher, you don’t mean that. you can’t go through life like a robot, i know…i know you were scared about the ocd attacks, and all the emotions you were feeling, but-.”

 

“but now i feel better. i feel more stable, just like the medication was supposed to do!” cheryl hisses, glaring at toni for a brief second as the pink haired girl bites back a whine and blinks rapidly to expel the tears threatening to fall down her cheeks.

 

“cheryl, this isn’t stability. the medication isn’t meant to block off your emotions, it’s meant to even them out! there’s a chemical imbalance in your brain, the pills are supposed to balance everything out, not just stop any emotional messages from being received-.”

 

“well, maybe i prefer it this way.” cheryl says stiffly.

 

toni’s heart stops. 

 

_no…no, please, please, this can’t be happening-_

 

she understands why, she fucking does…of course cheryl would find it appealing to be cut off from all her emotions after everything that’s happened, but she can’t go through life like this, she can’t want this for herself…

 

“cheryl…you don’t mean that-.”

 

“i do.” cheryl says simply, clearing her throat and reaching for the remote, and toni sits in shocked silence as she turns the tv on and barely looks at toni as she flicks through the channels.

 

toni’s seen this before…sometimes anti-depressants can cause side effects, and sometimes those side effects can come out nowhere, or be triggered by a specific traumatic emotional response to something…the wedding being today must’ve caused this, because cheryl’s been off for the last day or so, fuck, why didn’t she see this earlier? she could’ve prevented this…

 

“cheryl…stop taking those pills, please…we need to talk to veronica-.” toni begs, but cheryl sighs in frustration suddenly and flicks through the channels more forcefully now.

 

“‘we’ don’t need to do anything. i’m fine, toni.” cheryl says with a roll of her eyes, not tearing her eyes away from the tv as toni lets her tears fall, unable to keep them at bay any longer. she reaches out to take cheryl’s hand, desperate for some form of contact…

 

“cher, i-.”

 

“go away, toni. i wanna be alone right now.” cheryl says stiffly, yanking her hand away from toni’s reaching grip and still not taking her eyes off the tv as toni’s bottom lip trembles almost violently. she bites down on it, sniffs once and wipes away her tears as she jumps up from the couch and makes her way back towards the front door.

 

she tries to ignore the way her heart aches when cheryl doesn’t say anything or make a move to call her back.

 

she’s not going to sulk and cry about this.

 

she’s going to do something about it instead. because toni is fucking proactive, and she won’t watch this happen before her without doing everything possible to fix it.

 

so she makes her way back down to the parking garage, gets on her bike, and drives straight to the apartment of the one person who can fix this.

 

she knows veronica’s probably going to get suspicious, and veronica’s a smart girl, she’s bound to put two and two together, but right now, toni couldn’t give less of a fuck.

 

cheryl is all that matters right now.

 

_i’m gonna fix this, cher…i promise._

 

she pulls up outside veronica’s apartment ten minutes later, her bike slowing to a stop outside her apartment building and dying down slowly as she turns it off and rips her helmet off as well, placing it on the handle bar and making her way inside the building quickly. 

 

she heads straight for the elevator, slams her finger down onto the fifth floor button repeatedly and waits impatiently for it to arrive.

 

she can’t believe this is happening…she’s been keeping such a close eye on cheryl ever since she started those fucking pills, and she thought they were starting to work, so she slacked off, stopped paying attention and now…god, now…

 

she tears out of the elevator as soon as it opens, makes her way straight to door number three and pounds her fist against it rapidly.

 

“veronica! veronica, open the fucking door!” toni practically screams, slamming her fist against it over and over again without letting up for a second even when she hears the lock click as the door swings open-

 

“toni? what the hell are you doing here?!” veronica stares at her in shock, her reading glasses propped on her nose that she quickly takes off and tucks into the pocket of the robe she’s wearing as toni catches her breath and shakes her head desperately.

 

“you need to change cheryl’s medication!” she cries out, trying and failing miserably to stop herself from crying as fresh tears fall down her already damp cheeks. veronica’s eyes widen, confusion clear as day written all over them as she shakes her head.

 

“what? toni, what are you-.”

 

“cheryl! her medication, it’s fucking with her brain, it’s blocking her emotions off instead of stabilizing them, these pills…they aren’t right for her, you have to change her prescription!” toni yells over the top of her, wringing her hands in desperation and watching as veronica blinks rapidly before she suddenly grabs toni’s hand and drags her into her apartment, closing the door shut behind them and turning to look at her with confusion still evident on her face.

 

“toni…how the hell would you know that? did you see her outside the office or something?” veronica asks, and toni finds herself letting out a groan as she comes to an incredibly harrowing conclusion.

 

that she’s going to have to tell veronica the truth. 

 

and she knows how much this is going to cost her, but losing cheryl to her own mind…that will cost her so much more.

 

_she’s worth it…god, is she worth it…_

 

“i…fuck, veronica, i…i’m involved with her.” 

 

silence takes over. veronica’s entire body tenses up, her mouth dropping open and her eyes wide as toni takes a few deep breaths in to stop herself from panicking, about cheryl, about confessing to veronica, about fucking _everything._

 

“what? what do you mean, i-.”

 

“cheryl and i are living together at the moment while she looks for a new apartment, but…we’re kind of seeing each other, ronnie.” toni whispers.

 

realization seems to break over veronica’s face, a mixture of emotions crossing over her face before she seems to finally settle on one.

 

rage.

 

“toni, what the _fuck_!? what are you doing?! do you understand how bad this is?! this is a major violation of conduct, you could lose your job from this!” veronica hisses angrily, taking a step closer to her as toni winces and simply nods furiously.

 

“i know, veronica, fuck…i know, okay? i know, but i…i don’t care. i don’t care, all i care about right now is _cheryl_ , and all i care about is the fact that this medication she’s on right now isn’t working! it’s helping with her ocd, sure, she hasn’t had an attack in weeks, but it’s completely fucking with her emotions, you need to find her something new!” toni manages to get out through her tears, her entire body trembling with fear and concern and sadness as veronica runs her fingers through her hair, scoffing and shaking her head in disbelief at what she’s just heard. 

 

“god, toni…fuck, what have you gotten yourself into?” veronica groans, looking at her in despair, but toni shakes her head and reaches out to grip veronica’s hand in her won, desperate to get veronica to see that right now, she doesn’t care about anything but cheryl.

 

“ronnie…please, please, you promised me you’d look after her…please, just change her medication, i’m begging you…” toni rasps out, biting down on her trembling bottom lip and looking at veronica pleadingly. the raven haired girl licks her lips, swallows thickly as she looks at toni with concern for a long time before she lets out a shaky breath, purses her lips, and finally nods.

 

“i…i’ll have to assess her during a session, i can’t just change her medication because you’re asking me to. if i see the symptoms you’re talking about for myself, i’ll discuss changing her prescription with her, okay?” veronica says slowly.

 

toni almost weeps with relief, finds herself pulling veronica into her embrace for a hug as she lets her tears fall.

 

_it’ll be okay, veronica will change her prescription, everything’s gonna be fine…_

 

“thank you, veronica.” toni whispers, pulling back and offering her a watery smile as she sniffs once and makes her way towards the door.

 

“toni, wait…” veronica grips her hand and tugs her back, and toni feels her heart fall, because she knows what veronica’s going to say before she says it.

 

_it’s okay…it’s okay, cheryl’s worth it…_

 

“toni…you know i’m going to have to report you. you’re my friend and i care about you, but this goes against everything we stand for, and it’s against the law…if i don’t report you, i’m basically breaking my oath as well.” veronica says firmly, regret shining in her eyes heavily as toni turns back to look at her with a simple sad smile.

 

_it’s okay…cheryl’s worth it, she is, she…fuck, she really is…_

 

“i know, i…do what you have to do, ronnie.” toni manages to get out despite the dread filling her, despite the anguish gripping her, despite the despair and the sadness and the anger and the million other emotions flooding her entire system right now.

 

“toni…you could lose your job, you…god, you could lose your license.” veronica whispers, staring at her in shock as toni simply purses her lips and nods once.

 

“just…promise me you’ll change cheryl’s prescription once you see the symptoms for yourself. promise me you’ll look after her.” she begs, squeezing veronica’s hand in her own tightly, begging to every god she knows that veronica will ignore how wrong all of this is and trust in their friendship of the last two years to do something _right_ by her…

 

“you really care about her…” veronica says in awe, staring at her with this look that has toni’s heart clenching as she licks her lips and simply nods once in confirmation.

 

“more than i’ve ever cared about anyone in my life.” she says with a sad smile.

 

veronica frowns, brows creased with worry as toni continues to beg in her mind over and over again…

 

_please…please, veronica, please, just promise me…_

 

and after a long, _long_ period of time, veronica lodge finally exhales shakily before she slowly nods and gives toni a small, but reassuring smile.

 

“okay, toni. i’ll take care of her, i promise.”


	15. i just love being with you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, in terms of the controversy from the last chapter: it’s weird that i have to kind of explain this, lmao, but anyway…yes, toni is being unprofessional. she’s been unprofessional since like, chapter four or five of this fic. i don’t know why you guys only started to see that when she began seeing archie for sessions, but toni is someone who cares and cares hard. she follows her heart and not her head, and it leads her into situations like this one. she followed her heart by helping sweet pea and fangs and the serpents in the gang war with the ghoulies and it got her two best friends killed, and now she’s following her heart again by being archie’s therapist and being involved with cheryl. she’s not perfect, as much as we all want her to be, lol. i thought i made this obvious throughout the entire fic, but i guess not. hopefully this explanation clears things up.
> 
> that being said, this chapter is kinda fluffy, just a little bit sad, but mostly fluffy. next chapter will also be very fluffy before we move into a storyline that is probably gonna have y'all gunning for my throats, but WE'LL GET TO THAT LATER. hope you guys enjoy this one, as always, leave a comment letting me know what you think and you can find me on twitter at @endofdaysforme. bye for now!

it’s strange, as always, walking past midge’s desk and offering her a smile before making her way towards the dark brown door further down the hall to her right instead of the candy apple red one at the beginning of it. but regardless, cheryl flips her hair over her shoulder, finds herself staring a little sadly at the red door she passes, wondering just what toni might be doing behind it.

 

things have been just a little awkward between them since the other night, but cheryl hasn’t been letting it bother her. she’s on her way to recovering from her ocd, she doesn’t want anything to stop it’s progress. besides, it's just some stupid little fight that she's sure toni will get over in a couple of days, so she simply squares her shoulders before she exhales deeply and raises a hand to knock on the brown door before her, coming to a stop in front of it as she does.

 

she only knocks once, finds herself smirking when the desire to knock four more times doesn’t rise within her like it used to, and she grips the doorknob when a soft voice calls out beyond the door.

 

“come in!” 

 

she pushes the door open with a smile, looks towards the desk in the middle of the room to see veronica is standing in front of it, not writing down in any files for once as she removes her glasses and smiles up at cheryl lightly with this look in her eyes that the red head can't quite understand...

 

“cheryl, it’s good to see you.” she says softly, her smile only growing wider as cheryl makes her way over to her and plops herself down into one of the chairs with a nod.

 

“good to see you too, veronica.” she says simply, placing her purse at her feet and watching the raven haired woman expectantly. she kind of just wants to get this over with, go back home and maybe chill out on the couch for a bit...

 

veronica pauses, this uncharacteristic frown of worry taking over her stunning features before she suddenly does something she’s never done before.

 

she takes the seat beside cheryl with a heavy sigh, prompting the red haired girl to look at her with surprise.

 

“so, cheryl…how have things been?” veronica seems sheepish, is staring at her in this way that has cheryl staring back at her with slight apprehension before she simply shrugs and shifts in her seat uncomfortably.

 

“they’ve been good.” she says simply, unsure of what else to really say because things _have_ been good...not great, but good, at least...veronica frowns, brows creased with worry once again. she doesn’t quite understand why veronica is suddenly showing so much concern. she’s been monitoring cheryl for the last month or so since she started the medication, and she hasn’t shown as much worry as she is right now. she’s usually smiling when cheryl tells her things have been going well, is glad to hear it, but this time…something’s different.

 

“how are you feeling with the medication? has there been anything that’s causing you concern? any side effects?” veronica asks suddenly. cheryl simply shrugs once again, ignoring the immediate voice in her head that reminds her of what toni said the other night.

 

_"cheryl, this isn't stability. the medication isn't meant to block off your emotions, it's meant to even them out!"_

 

“none that i’ve noticed. things have been...good.” she lies easily.

 

sure, toni brought up the fact that the medication was blocking her emotions off completely, but cheryl doesn’t think that’s the case.

 

toni’s just overreacting. and…and even if she’s right, is that such a bad thing? for her to be blocked off from her emotions, to just have a moment of peace where she doesn’t have to be so cluttered with everything going on in her mind and her heart? where she doesn't have to feel the hurt and the pain over not having a family or a brother anymore, or an inheritance or any kind of money to her name? 

 

“any ocd attacks?” veronica asks, pulling her out of her thoughts, and cheryl smiles for the first time in what feels like a long time, her cheeks slightly aching from the action.

 

“not for a couple of weeks, no.” 

 

it’s been so good…so goddamn amazing and refreshing, to not have those thoughts in her brain making her want to clean things until they’re scrubbed almost raw or tap on the counter five times consistently, and cheryl doesn’t want to go back to that…god, she doesn’t want to go back to that, the idea of having to suffer through those episodes again-

 

“cheryl, i want to discuss something with you.” 

 

_oh, great..._

 

cheryl simply stares at her, waits for her to talk as veronica clears her throat and shifts in her own seat before looking at her with a sigh.

 

“i don’t want you to get upset when i tell you this, cheryl, but…toni came to me with concern about your recent behavior since you started the medication, and in the process…she informed me that you two are living together and have a...romantic connection.” veronica says firmly, clearly, precisely…all professional, no stick, no leniency.

 

and cheryl feels like part of her should be upset, feels like her heart should be racing, like she should be scared or panicked or worried, about toni, about herself, about everything, because this is the _last thing_ she ever wanted to happen, but she just…

 

she just can’t find it in her to be any of those things.

 

“cheryl, do you understand what i’m trying to tell you? i’m going to have to report toni for misconduct. the level of unprofessionalism she’s displayed is shocking, doctors cannot get involved romantically with their patients. it’s morally wrong, not to mention illegal…” veronica murmurs, staring at her, observing her, and all cheryl can do is look up at her blankly, because she can't seem to access the part of her brain that's telling her she should be panicking right now-

 

“i don’t think you need to report her, veronica. the truth is, she resisted multiple times, told me that we couldn’t get involved and we couldn’t be together, but it was _me_ who kept pushing. i care about her a lot and i’d hate for her to get in trouble for something that’s my fault.” cheryl tells her truthfully, and for the first time in almost two weeks, she feels something akin to worry spark inside her, but it’s not as severe as it used to be, not so heart attack inducing or painful or scary, but it's _something_ , and cheryl finds herself trying to push it down-

 

_toni...toni's in trouble, we've been discovered-_

 

“why did you keep pushing?” veronica asks in a low voice. cheryl finds herself shrugging despite the way her heart is beginning to truly beat rapidly now, but from what, she has no idea...

 

“because i like her. more than i’ve ever liked anyone before in my entire life.” she whispers. she does like toni…she does. toni’s smile always makes her heart feel so _full…_ it used to. it _used_ to make her feel so full...

 

she misses that feeling…she hasn’t felt it in awhile…

 

_"cheryl, this isn't stability. the medication isn't meant to block off your emotions, it's meant to even them out!"_

 

“cheryl…i really need you not to lie to me when it comes to this situation. toni could lose her job, her license, she could even go to jail for this…do you understand the severity of the consequences she could face if i report her?” veronica says sternly.

 

cheryl licks her lips, swallows the lump in her throat and feels just an inch of panic consume her. veronica knows...veronica knows, toni could lose her job, could lose everything she's spent so long building, oh god...

 

she finds herself looking at veronica pleadingly despite her brain not quite computing what veronica is saying and what she’s implying, this muddled mess of chaos and confusion...

 

“she makes me happy, veronica. i’m so happy with her…the happiest i’ve ever been.” cheryl tells her truthfully, but god, her voice sounds so goddamn fucking robotic right now, not even _she_ feels like it's her own voice talking.

 

_"the medication isn't meant to block off your emotions, it's meant to even them out!"_

 

veronica simply raises an eyebrow in response.

 

“are you? happy?" she asks, genuinely asking, intrigue dripping from all three words she utters, and cheryl finds herself realizing just how severe the situation before her is.

 

veronica knows. veronica is going to report toni. 

 

toni is going to lose her job...

 

“i…” cheryl trails off, finds herself suddenly clenching her fists in panic before veronica sighs and suddenly reaches out to grip her hands in her own to stop her.

 

“cheryl, toni risked _everything_ , telling me what she told me. and the reason she told me is because she’s _scared for you._ she thinks the medication you’re on is blocking the emotional receptors to your brain, and if they are, we’re going to need to change your prescription. so i need you to tell me the truth when i ask you this. are you happy, cheryl?” 

 

veronica’s voice feels like it’s a hundred miles away, because all cheryl can think about is toni…toni’s put her career on the line for _her._

 

and cheryl’s done nothing but ignore her, get mad at her for trying to tell her the truth. that the medication she’s on…it’s not right for her.

 

_oh god…oh god, what have i done?_

 

“i…i am, veronica, but i just…i don’t know, i can’t really…really feel much of anything anymore.” cheryl finally confesses, looking up at her with slight panic and watching as veronica’s shoulders suddenly slump in defeat, her expression turning into one of horror that quickly fades as she purses her lips and inches closer to cheryl.

 

“emotionally or physically?” she asks softly. cheryl bites down on her bottom lip before looking up at veronica anxiously, because she needs to tell her the truth and she knows that, but veronica mentioned changing her prescription...

 

“both, i think? more emotionally than anything. but it’s a good thing, right? and it’s been helping so much with my ocd attacks, i haven’t had one in weeks. that’s what the medication is supposed to do-.” cheryl tries to justify it, but veronica’s almost immediately shaking her head as she gives cheryl’s hand a reassuring squeeze.

 

“no, cheryl, it’s…i mean, _yes_ , it’s good that it’s helping with your ocd, but it’s not supposed to stop you from feeling, it’s supposed to bring you some balance…god, toni was right.” veronica whispers suddenly, closing her eyes and shaking her head as she lets out a heavy sigh. a few moments of silence pass, cheryl just watching numbly before veronica finally opens her eyes and looks at her with nothing but guilt shining in her eyes.

 

“cheryl, i’m so sorry for not noticing it earlier. we’re going to need to change your prescription. this medication is wrong for you.” she says matter-of-factly. cheryl finds herself sagging into her seat, the prospect of changing her medication too daunting for her to even want to acknowledge.

 

she doesn’t want to change her medication…she doesn’t want her ocd to come back, and fuck, more than anything, she doesn’t want to feel the pain that comes with acknowledging everything that’s happened in the last three months…her parents disowning her, jason cutting off contact with her, calling her goddamn wedding off, breaking archie’s heart, coming to terms with her sexuality, it’s all so fucking much…

 

“i’m…i’m scared to. i don’t _feel_ scared, but i just…everything i was feeling before i started the medication, i don’t want to feel that again…please, can we just keep going with this one?” cheryl finds herself begging, looking at veronica in despair and watching as the woman offers her a sad smile in return.

 

“i know that you’re scared, cheryl. this is a scary situation, but you can’t force your emotions down and pretend they don’t exist, or wipe them away with a pill. it’s no way to live. i understand you’re in pain, but just ignoring it or trying to block it won’t fix anything.” veronica tells her, not sternly or pointedly, but kindly, her thumb brushing over cheryl’s knuckles reassuringly in a way that reminds cheryl so much of the way toni does it, but there’s no spark there like there is when toni touches her…

 

god, she misses feeling _something_ when toni touches her…

 

“i know…” she croaks out, blinking back tears for the first time in a long time as she lets out a shaky breath. veronica's right, and god, so is toni...she can't live like this.

 

veronica suddenly lets go of her hand and reaches up to grip her shoulder, giving it a tight squeeze.

 

“everything’s gonna be okay, i promise. i just need you to be honest with me about _everything_ , cheryl. especially how you feel on whatever medication i give you. we’ll never be able to find the right prescription for you if you don’t tell me, okay?” veronica says, her voice back to business as cheryl purses her lips and simply nods once numbly.

 

she finds herself staring at the wall opposite them, the wall that separates her from toni’s office, and she lets out a quiet sigh of longing as she finds the words to say.

 

“toni, she…she came to you?” cheryl asks hoarsely, turning to look at veronica to find her surprisingly smiling at her.

 

“yes. toni’s always worn her heart on her sleeve, it’s…her biggest downfall. she _cares_ too much, and in this job, you can’t get too emotionally invested. she was so worried about you, she even risked her career to come to me about this. but i’m glad she did…i just wish it didn’t have to end the way it does.” veronica says weakly, guilt shining so heavily in her eyes that cheryl finds herself hesitating before she decides to use it against her.

 

she's desperate and worried, sue her.

 

“i wish you wouldn’t report her, veronica. i really care about her, too. i don’t want her to lose her job, she _loves_ it, so much…she doesn’t deserve this, please reconsider.” cheryl whispers, watching hopefully as veronica bites down on her bottom lip before shaking her head.

 

“cheryl, i can’t ignore something like this. we have a duty of care, an oath that we take when we became therapists to give our clients the utmost respect and make them feel _safe_. what toni’s done-.”

 

“is make me feel more safe than i’ve ever felt in my entire life.” cheryl says truthfully, staring at veronica anxiously, trying to get her to see that toni doesn’t deserve to lose her job, because fuck, she _doesn’t._ cheryl doesn’t think so, anyway…maybe there's a plethora of people who would think that what toni's doing is wrong, but for cheryl...she's changed so much of her life, she's made everything so much brighter, so much _better_ , she doesn't deserve to lose her job just because...just because there was something between them that neither of them can explain...

 

_god, i’ve been so stupid, thinking i can just get away with taking these pills that block me off from everything, it’s put toni’s entire career on the line now…i miss feeling the way she makes me feel…_

 

toni's going to hate her now...and cheryl doesn't blame her if she does.

 

“is that the truth?” veronica asks suddenly, watching her with wide eyes as cheryl nods furiously in agreement.

 

“yes. she makes me feel so many things, veronica…happiness every time i see her smile or hear her laugh. sadness whenever i see her cry…she makes me feel like someone cares about me, and it’s the most amazing feeling in the world. she…protects me. in a way i’ve never been protected before, and i don’t want her to lose everything because of me…because i’ve been so stupid, thinking i can just live without _feeling._ ” cheryl sighs in defeat, wishing now more than anything that she could just go into the room next door and hug toni close, beg for her forgiveness, whether she gets it from toni or not-

 

“it’s not stupid, cheryl. after everything you’ve been through…it’s understandable. but i need you to promise me you’ll stop taking the clomipramine, okay? we only had you on a hundred milligrams, but we'll lower your dosage every two days until i see you next week.” veronica says firmly. cheryl simply nods once, looking to her with concern as she begins fiddling with her fingers.

 

she knows it's the right decision, but it's still nerve wracking. all this new medication, god, how does she know it isn't frying her brain even more?

 

“what…what are you gonna put me on instead?” she asks nervously. veronica hesitates, her leg suddenly bouncing up and down before she pushes herself up out of her seat with a shaky sigh.

 

“give me a moment…i need to consult a co-worker. stay here please, cheryl.” veronica goes to make her way to the door, and cheryl finds herself watching her go eagerly, knowing exactly who veronica is going to-

 

“is it toni?” she asks before she can stop herself. veronica pauses with her hand on the doorknob, and she sighs before she turns to face her with a firm nod.

 

“yes. but i can’t let you two interact, not here in my office-.”

 

“no, i…i understand. just tell her…tell her i’m sorry.” cheryl whispers. veronica’s expression softens, and she nods once again before she opens the door and exits the room, leaving cheryl sitting in her chair with nothing but watered down fear pounding through her body, unaware that just a wall away, toni is also watching the wall that separates them with nothing but anxiety pounding through every inch of her body.

 

she has no idea what’s going on next door, and it’s killing her, but she hasn’t heard any raised voices, so at least that means cheryl isn’t going crazy at veronica for suggesting they change her medication-

 

_knock knock._

 

toni jumps in surprise, bangs her knee on the desk and curses under her breath as her eyes water from the pain before she clears her throat and calls out, the pain in her knee gone in an instant and replaced with anxiety at who the fuck’s knocking, because she'd know that knock from anywhere-

 

“come in!”

 

the door opens quickly before veronica suddenly walks in, and toni finds herself jumping up from her chair, wincing slightly at the pain in her knee as veronica shuts the door behind her quickly and makes her way over to her with a frown.

 

“what’s wrong? is cheryl okay-.”

 

“cheryl is fine, _we_ need to talk.” veronica says firmly. toni blinks rapidly and looks up at the clock on the wall, noticing the time with surprise.

 

“what, right now? cheryl still has twenty minutes, you can’t just leave her in there on her own-.”

 

“she’s fine, toni! she’s…she’s agreed to changing her prescription. the thing is, i have no idea what to put her on.” veronica says with a frown as she runs her fingers through her hair.

 

toni has an answer immediately.

 

“fluvoxamine. i’ve been going back through my textbooks over the last few days, her symptoms might be better suited to it.” toni says quickly. it's true, she's been pouring over her old college textbooks for the last three days, trying to find some form of anti-depressant that wasn't going to completely cut cheryl off from her emotions, and fluvoxamine was the only one she could find that seemed better suited for her...

 

veronica nods slowly, taking in her words before she looks up at her with pursed lips.

 

“i'm slowly wean her off the clomipramine, she was on a hundred milligrams, but still...i'd rather her not suffer a mental breakdown from stopping it altogether.”

 

“wait, she was only on a hundred milligrams and the side effects are this severe?” toni says in surprise. 

 

“it happens sometimes, i’ve seen it before…which just makes me even more upset that i didn’t see it earlier.” veronica says with a sigh of frustration, running her fingers through her hair nervously yet again. toni reaches out to grip her arm, giving it a small squeeze as she offers her a smile.

 

as much as she's kind of upset at veronica right now, fuck...she still cares. and this is clearly taking a toll on her friend, not realizing the symptoms that cheryl was suffering from the medication...

 

“veronica-.”

 

“no, it’s…you get too involved with your patients, and i don’t get involved enough.” veronica says with a dry chuckle, prompting toni to laugh softly as well as she simply shrugs with a sigh.

 

her and veronica are so different…their approaches to therapy are polar opposites. toni enjoys using the ‘friend’ approach, making her patients feel comfortable, like they’re just talking with someone they know, whereas veronica adopted the more professional approach…they kind of need a dose of each other’s versions of therapy, it seems like.

 

toni knows she’s being unprofessional, with archie, with cheryl, god, with everything that’s happening right now…but she _cares._

 

“i care too much, though…way too much. and look where it’s gotten me. but…” toni closes her eyes, thinks about cheryl’s smile, about the color of her eyes and how they crinkle when she laughs, about the way she hums in content whenever toni hugs her close…all things she hasn’t done in the last two weeks because of that medication…

 

“i don’t regret it. she’s worth it to me, ronnie.” toni whispers. veronica has this look in her eyes that toni can’t quite describe, and she suddenly inhales shakily before she chews on the inside of her cheek and looks at toni with a firm nod.

 

“i’m not gonna report you.” she says simply.

 

toni’s heart clenches.

 

“wh-what?” she manages to splutter out in complete and utter shock. veronica sighs and crosses her arms over her chest with a shake of her head and a scoff of disbelief.

 

“trust me, i can’t believe i’m saying this, either. i’ve spent _days_ going over everything you told me the other day, and despite…despite where you’re at now, i can’t deny that you at least _tried_. you followed protocol by handing her to another therapist and by ceasing contact with her, you just-.”

 

“kind of didn’t follow through with the ‘ceasing contact’ part.” toni says guiltily, but the hope pounding through her causes her entire body to shake with nerves as veronica gives her a lopsided, weak smile. 

 

“yeah…look, you’re my friend, toni. you were my friend before you were my co-worker, and as wrong as i think all of this is, i can see how much cheryl cares about you, too. god, her emotions are blocked right now, and she was still begging me not to report you…telling me to say sorry to you for everything...” veronica says, staring at the wall that separates their offices while toni looks at her in surprise.

 

cheryl told her to say 'sorry'?

 

“she was?” she croaks out, hope gripping her tightly and refusing to let go of her, because cheryl has barely spoken to her in two days, and yet here she is, begging veronica not to report her…maybe there's hope, maybe cheryl was still in there somewhere-

 

“yeah. i guess she cares about you enough to break through whatever daze those pills have got her in.” veronica says slyly. toni can’t help but smile, her heart aching, and she wants nothing more than to break through that fucking wall and hold cheryl close to her, to whisper into her ear that there's nothing to apologize for-

 

“ugh, god, i don’t think i’ve ever seen you this dumbstruck before. just…promise me you won’t get involved with cheryl’s case anymore after this, toni. that’s my condition. i won’t report you, but you can’t have _any_ say in our therapy sessions at all. it's a breach of conduct, especially if you two are dating. cheryl is _my_ patient and my patient only. got it?” veronica says sternly, crossing her arms over her chest with authority as she does.

 

toni nods without hesitation, doesn't even bother to correct veronica on the whole 'dating' comment.

 

“got it.” veronica scoffs before she suddenly stands up straight, uncrosses her arms and gives toni another stern nod.

 

“in that case…thank you for helping me sort out new medication for my patient. i know nothing about nothing, and i would appreciate it if we never discussed this again. like, ever.” she says stiffly.

 

and toni can’t help but smile widely.

 

“discuss what? i have no idea what you’re talking about, veronica.” 

 

\-----------------

 

“toni?”

 

cheryl knocks gently on the door to toni’s bedroom, her heart racing a little with hesitation and fear as she pushes the door open slowly and looks inside to see toni sitting on her bed, back pressed against the headboard, flicking through what looks like a file on one of her patients. her gaze moves up as cheryl comes in, a soft smile on her face as she flips the file shut and rests it on her bedside table. 

 

“hey. everything okay?” toni asks immediately. cheryl takes a few deep breaths in and simply holds up the little orange tube containing her new prescription, rattling it a little with a nervous smile and prompting toni to inhale sharply before she purses her lips and nods once.

 

“of course, babe. come here.” 

 

it’s been a week and a bit now since cheryl stopped taking the other medication after veronica had decided to very slowly wean her off it by lowering her dosage. today’s her first day on the new medication, something called fluvoxamine, something that toni had apparently recommended, and cheryl’s praying to every god she knows that this one is the one, that she doesn’t have to go through the same thing all over again…that this is the one that manages to at least let her get some form of control over her feelings and her ocd without compromising her emotions completely...

 

she’s slowly starting to feel like herself now that she’s been very gradually coming off the other medication, which of course, means her haywire emotions and general anxiety is slowly coming back, but regardless, she’s nervous to start this new one. what if the same thing happens? what if it blocks off her emotions again? what if toni gets sick of her because of it and decides to leave?

 

_better this than the two alternatives…time to be brave, cheryl…_

 

she plants herself at toni’s feet, sitting down beside them and watching as toni scoots closer to her quickly, her arm reaching out to wrap around cheryl’s stomach before she kisses her temple sweetly.

 

“just one pill to start with, cher, okay?” cheryl nods numbly, fear quickly gripping her as toni opens the container and shakes out one pill. cheryl holds her hand open, smiling nervously as toni drops the pill into her hand and reaches for the glass of water on her bedside table. cheryl can’t help but look up at toni apprehensively, her heart racing, and toni simply closes her hands over the pill and holds them up to her lips, pressing repeated kisses to her knuckles before she looks up into her eyes. 

 

“you’re gonna be okay, cheryl. we’re gonna do it the right way this time, we’ll be more open with each other and we’ll talk about how you’re feeling…we won’t make the same mistakes, i promise.” toni whispers. cheryl takes a deep breath in before she nods once and smiles, and she slowly uncurls her fist from toni’s hands and pops the pill into her mouth, letting it rest on her tongue for a few moments before she lifts the glass toni hands her and quickly drains it, letting the pill slide down her throat and looking to toni with a wince. 

 

“there you go, babe…good girl…” toni says hoarsely, smiling as she tucks a lock of hair behind cheryl’s ear gently. 

 

“we have to wait another couple of weeks, don’t we? to see any improvement?” cheryl says hollowly, swallowing the lump in her throat and watching as toni places the empty glass back on her bedside table. 

 

“yeah…but we’ll monitor everything carefully, if i notice any warning signs, you’ll have to tell veronica immediately…i kind of agreed not to get involved in your sessions with her anymore, so if i say something, she’ll kill me.” toni says with a slight chuckle. cheryl purses her lips, but says nothing, and toni rubs a hand up and down her back comfortingly, observing her silently for a few moments…

 

“i know you’re scared, cheryl…but you’re gonna be okay. i’m not gonna drop the ball this time, i swear, and i’m _so_ sorry for-.”

 

“toni, don’t finish that sentence. you have nothing to apologize for, if anyone has something to be sorry for, it’s me. i treated you _horribly_ on that medication-.”

 

“you weren’t yourself. anti-depressants…they’re no joke, cher. they can be extremely dangerous if they’re not monitored carefully, which is something we stupidly didn’t do. but that won’t happen again this time around. in fact, i almost forgot…” toni suddenly shuffles off the bed, reaching to her bedside dresser and pulling open one of the drawers before she pulls a little black leather book out.

 

a journal.

 

“i got this for you the other day, you should use it to write everything down, cheryl. whatever you’re feeling, whatever’s on your mind, just write it down and track your progress. that way i’m not like… _actively_ getting involved.” toni says sheepishly, smiling as cheryl takes the journal from her hands and runs her fingers over the leather excitedly.

 

writing down how she’s feeling? she’s never really done that before…how does she even start? she had dabbled in keeping a journal in high school, but the fear of her parents finding it had caused her to throw it away after only writing one entry. it was too risky, but this…this might help.

 

she can’t believe toni’s done this for her, it feels like this girl can do no goddamn wrong…

 

cheryl finds herself smiling as she leans in and presses a quick kiss to toni’s cheek.

 

“thank you, toni.” 

 

“mmm, you’re welcome.” she says softly. she suddenly opens her arms, giggling and raising an eyebrow as cheryl grins before she finds herself immediately melting into her embrace, letting toni pull her down onto her bed until her head is resting on the pink haired girl’s chest. toni settles onto the pillows with a deep sigh, and cheryl finds herself playing with the ends of toni’s hair, fingers curling into the pink locks and twisting them before she frowns and looks up at toni, resting her chin on her collarbone as she does.

 

“you know, i never asked…why pink?” cheryl finds herself asking, her actions causing her fingers to just graze over the top of toni’s breasts and causing her heart to pound erratically as toni simply hums for a few moments before looking down at her with a sad smile. 

 

“sweet pea and fangs dared me to do it one night when the serpents were having a bonfire at the trailer park. they knew i loved my hair and thought i didn’t have the balls to do it. so the next day, i bought a bottle of bleach and pink hair dye and by nightfall, i was in tears. the bleach wasn’t strong enough and my hair ended up orange. the pink hair dye barely affected it.” toni groans, shaking her head from the bad memories before her expression suddenly turns very soft…

 

“sweet pea and fangs felt so bad, they pooled together the money they had and took me to a proper hair salon to get it fixed. but i wanted to see the dare through, so i asked her to bleach it properly and dye it pink. i wasn’t going to keep it, but when they died…” toni trails off, swallowing thickly as tears well in her eyes, and cheryl finds herself immediately leaning up to press her lips to toni’s in a gentle kiss, her thumb brushing over her cheekbone tenderly as her heart aches for the way toni grips her waist and pulls her closer with an almost sad whine.

 

“it’s beautiful, toni. _you’re_ beautiful.” cheryl whispers against her lips. toni smiles against her, the hands at her waist running up and down her back tenderly before she leans up just a little to kiss her once more, a barely there kiss that still has cheryl’s heart thrumming in her ears from the adrenaline rush. 

 

she's getting it back now...the feeling toni gives her whenever she kisses her or touches her...

 

and as scared as she is, fuck, she's never been more thankful.

 

she finds herself deepening the kiss, gripping toni's face in her hands and practically straddling the girl as toni's hands grip the hem of her nightgown and lift it slightly, nails digging into cheryl's thighs and causing her breath to hitch and her entire body to ache. she tries to press herself impossibly closer to toni, feels the pink haired girl's hand glide over her nightgown until she's palming cheryl's backside greedily-

 

"fuck, toni..." cheryl gasps against her, barely noticing the way toni's panting slightly against her before she's letting out this low whine and pulling away from her with a small shake of her head. 

 

"sorry, i...you're just kind of hard to resist, cheryl blossom." toni breathes, their foreheads colliding, and cheryl finds herself reaching for toni's hand as soon as it begins to fall away from it's position, finds herself dragging it back up and placing it palm side down over her ass with no hesitation.

 

"i didn't want you to stop." she says hoarsely. toni licks her lips and looks up at her, this wild look of lust in her eyes as she swallows thickly, and cheryl's whole fucking body is vibrating on a level she can't explain as toni slowly sits up and presses their lips back together, her free hand moving back down to the bottom of her nightgown before her warm fingers move under it, gripping the flesh at her thighs until she's pushing the material up to her hips and squeezing at the skin there, cheryl's hands tangling in pink hair as her heart begins to thud in her eardrums almost painfully-

 

the loud sound of a phone ringing has cheryl pulling away from toni in surprise, and the pink haired girl growls before she reaches for the bedside table and looks at the caller id with a glare.

 

"fuck, it's kevin. i gotta take this, cher, i'm sorry-."

 

"no, it's f-fine." cheryl manages to squeak out, her entire body flushed red as she pushes herself off of toni and sits down at the edge of the bed awkwardly, barely taking in the conversation she's having with kevin right now as she does.

 

it's been playing at the back of her mind since she first moved in here...the idea of having sex with toni. it's been _years_ since college, and cheryl hasn't touched or even thought of another girl since then, had pushed her attraction for women so far into the back of her mind that she barely acknowledged it.

 

what if she's bad at it? what if she does something wrong? what if toni decides it isn't worth being patient with her? god, it's all these insecurities and doubts and she _hates_ that she's having them, because what they just did...it's the furthest they've ever gone, but the way it made cheryl feel...

 

fuck, if some pg thirteen groping can making her feel _that_ much...what the _fuck_ will actual sex with toni be like?

 

"okay, sounds good, kev. i'll see you tomorrow after work...goodnight." toni ends the phone call and looks at cheryl with a sigh, a sad smile taking over her face as she drops her phone onto her bed and reaches for her hand slowly.

 

"i'm sorry, cher, kevin wants to grab coffee and have a chat tomorrow, i think he's having problems with moose-."

 

"it's okay, toni." cheryl says immediately, her voice still somewhat hoarse and prompting toni to look at her hesitantly.

 

"i'm sorry, cheryl...i don't know what came over me-."

 

"me, neither. i think we both just got caught you in the moment." cheryl says with a chuckle, taking toni's hand into her own and watching as the pink haired girl bites down on her bottom lip in hesitation before she leans in a little closer.

 

“cher, i…i don’t want to be too forward when i ask this, but…would you mind sleeping here with me in my bed tonight? we don't have to do anything, i just...want your company, that's all.” toni asks in a low voice filled with uncertainty, her eyes searching cheryl’s for any hesitancy, any panic-

 

cheryl simply smiles and leans in, kisses the tip of her nose before nodding furiously.

 

“nothing would make me happier.” she says simply.

 

and even though they haven't exactly done this since cheryl's breakdown over her parents disowning her, they find themselves falling into each other's embrace as easily as if they've been doing this right from the beginning.

 

as easily as if they were made just for _this._

 

\-----------------------

 

it’s wednesday night.

 

and for the first time in weeks, cheryl actually tugs on toni’s hand while they lounge on the couch to get her to move so they can finally start getting ready to go on their little wednesday night adventures.

 

toni finds herself staring at the excitement in cheryl’s face in awe, nothing but happiness flooding her at the fact that cheryl’s actually wanting to leave the house, to go for a walk with her and get some dessert like they did in the first few weeks that she moved in…something they began to name their wednesday night tradition.

 

she’s back.

 

cheryl’s back, and toni feels like nothing can possibly bring her down from the high she’s feeling over it. 

 

“come on, toni, i’ve been dying to taste that coconut ice cream again for _weeks_ , let’s go!”

 

“okay, okay, let me just get my jacket.” toni says with a chuckle, suppressing a yawn and stretching out before she pushes herself off the couch and makes her way to her room to grab her jacket quickly.

 

today had been long…toni had another session with archie, who had told her he was feeling a lot better now that the wedding date had come and gone, like it was the last obstacle he had to overcome to truly let go of cheryl and their relationship, and then he had told toni that he was planning on heading back to riverdale to continue helping his father with her vacation home. toni had told him she’d try to make it down on the weekend, and archie had smiled and told her to bring cheryl along.

 

as soon as she’d heard that, toni had grinned at him, and archie had ruffled the back of his head with embarrassment before telling her that he was plucking up the courage to officially ask josie out on a date, but he wasn’t sure if he should talk to cheryl about it first.

 

toni’s still tossing up whether she said the right thing or not. 

 

because toni had told him he _should_ talk to cheryl about it first. and archie had agreed. but cheryl was doing so well on her new medication despite it only being a few days since she started it, and toni doesn’t want to ruin her progress by having archie tell her he had plans to ask her best friend out…

 

“toni?!” cheryl sing songs, her voice echoing down the hallway and pulling toni out of her thoughts as she rolls her eyes and shrugs her jacket on before exiting her room.

 

“god, so impatient…” she teases, making her way towards cheryl and quickly taking her hand, but cheryl’s eyes suddenly widen before she bites down on her bottom lip and looks at her nervously.

 

“oh no…you’re right, i’m usually not this impatient. what if this is a side effect? i-.”

 

“write it down in the journal, cher. but i don’t think it’s a side effect…” toni says sheepishly, prompting cheryl to suddenly stop in her tracks and tug toni back a step with a grunt before she glares at toni in mock anger.

 

“are you saying i’m impatient all the time?!” she cries. toni winces before she grins widely.

 

“what?! nooo…well, maybe a little, babe…” 

 

cheryl huffs before she’s pulling her hand out of toni’s grip and marching towards the door, and toni can’t help but laugh loudly before she follows her out to the elevators, locking the door to her apartment behind her as she does.

 

of course, she’s immediately forgiven as soon as she wraps her arms around cheryl’s waist and presses the softest kiss possible to her cheek while they make their descent in the elevator, the look in cheryl's eyes softening before she kisses toni's temple just as sweetly.

 

toni’s just too goddamn hard to resist, and cheryl can’t help but forgive her as soon as she sees that small pout and the goddamn fucking puppy dog eyes…

 

but the way it makes her feel, the way it gets her heart pumping and her body rushing with excitement…it’s a feeling that’s been absent for far too long, and it makes cheryl’s whole body tingle with happiness that she’s finally getting that part of herself back. 

 

her anxiety being a little raised, her emotions being all over the place, it’s all worth it for gaining back the feeling that toni gives her.

 

just as long as her ocd doesn’t flare up again…cheryl’s not quite sure if she’ll be able to handle that…it hasn't so far, and she hasn't felt the need to do anything five times, but it's a consistent worry in the back of her mind...

 

as soon as they step out into the chilly october air, toni tightens her jacket around her with a shiver and interlaces her fingers with cheryl, who cuddles a little closer to her despite wearing her own jacket to keep her warm. 

 

“winter is coming…” toni sing songs, grinning when cheryl rolls her eyes and simply tugs her along down the block with a grin.

 

“damn, you must really want that coconut ice cream.” toni murmurs with a chuckle, but lets herself get dragged along the road and past the other pedestrians walking. cheryl slows down to a walk when the crowd gets too thick, and toni notices the way her fingers begin fidgeting a little against her own when they walk past a guy smoking a cigarette, the smell of tobacco suddenly clouding the air around them and causing toni to cough a little in disgust.

 

cheryl sighs, and toni squeezes her fingers with a soft smile.

 

“been a while since you had one, huh?” she asks. cheryl shifts guilty, biting down on her bottom lip before she shrugs and shakes her head. 

 

“i used to smoke all the time…sometimes i miss it, but i think if i were to try to have one now, it might make me sick.” she says, staring down at their intertwined hands with pursed lips. it’s the truth…smoking helped take the edge off a lot of the time, helped her feel calm, even if it was just for a minute or two, but the stench that stuck to her clothes and hair…was it really worth it?

 

_god, i could use a hit now though…_

 

“hmmm, cigarette smoke reminds me a lot of my mom and dad, but more than anything…it reminds me of my uncle. actually…” toni suddenly hesitates, not quite sure if she should say what she’s about to say, but cheryl is watching her curiously, and before she can help herself, she’s letting out a deep sigh and taking cheryl’s hand, moving it up her forearm to the spot between her bicep and her elbow, where a small, but a very, very prominent scar rests-

 

“he gave me this on my sixteenth birthday. he caught me kissing my girlfriend goodbye outside and dragged me back inside the trailer…i remember him holding me down to the ground and burning me with the tip of his cigarette right down to the bone, and i remember screaming and begging him to stop, but anything beyond that is a blur. i think i passed out from the pain at some point, and when i woke up, he was gone, and the cigarette was still lodged in my arm.” 

 

cheryl stops short, her mind spinning, her heart twisting in her chest as her fingers brush over the twisted patch of skin that sinks into toni’s arm just below her bicep and above her elbow, her eyes only taking in the way toni seems to avoid her gaze, looking everywhere but at her eyes until cheryl’s taking her chin between her fingers with a trembling bottom lip and tears in her eyes. 

 

toni had told her briefly about her uncle's abuse, but the extent of it...burning her with a cigarette? fuck, just how twisted was this man?

 

“toni…my god, i-.”

 

“don’t say you’re sorry, cher. you didn’t burn me with that cigarette, he did.” toni says simply. cheryl lets her tears fall, incapable of thinking or doing anything else, all she knows is right now, she's quite sure she's never going to lift a cigarette to her lips ever again. 

 

_god, toni..._

 

toni sighs before she brushes her tears away with a sad smile.

 

“come on…ice cream will cheer us right up.” 

 

she tugs on cheryl's hand this time, the girl still reeling from the information toni just told her as they round the corner, finally making their way towards the ice cream shop where they had what cheryl guesses was their unofficial second date about a month or so ago when she finds herself coming to a screeching halt.

 

archie…with josie?

 

they’re sitting outside the shop at a table, josie’s head thrown back in laughter and the back of archie’s red hair unmistakable as cheryl finds herself watching them in a mixture of confusion and panic.

 

what were they doing here? and what were they doing here _together?_

 

“archie?” she finds herself saying hoarsely, watching as the red haired boy spins around with wild eyes that suddenly fill with panic the second he sees his ex-fiancée standing there, the color draining from his face while josie simply grins widely and jumps up from the chair she’s sitting in.

 

“hey, girl! i was gonna message you tonight actually about having lunch tomorrow, how’ve things been?” josie asks with excitement, this look of pride shining in her eyes when she takes in cheryl and toni’s intertwined hands, and the distraction is much needed, because cheryl turns to josie and slowly lets go of toni’s hand as she begins talking with her best friend, embracing in her a warm hug as she does so with a smile.

 

and toni decides to take advantage of it and sidles up to archie, her teeth clenched as she talks to him out of the corner of her mouth to not raise suspicion.

 

“uh, i thought you were gonna talk to cheryl first about it?” she mumbles, looking in surprise when archie looks at her in shock before he’s shaking his head furiously.

 

“what?! n-no, i…i haven’t even asked her out yet, i just saw her walking and we decided to stop for ice cream, toni, i swear! this…this isn’t a date.” he breathes, forcing a smile when cheryl pulls away from josie and gives him just a brief look of confusion before josie strikes up conversation with her again.

 

“fuck, cheryl looks suspicious-.”

 

“i’ve got cheryl, don’t worry. how has it been going with josie on this ‘not date’ date of yours?” toni teases in a low voice, grinning despite herself when archie lets out a low pitched whine and rubs his eyes tiredly. 

 

“i stumbled over my words like an idiot the second i saw her-.”

 

“hey, toni! how’ve you been acclimating to having cheryl in your apartment?” josie says suddenly, making her way over to them and wrapping her arms around the pink haired girl, who warmly returns her hug with a soft chuckle.

 

“it's been great. she’s the best roommate ever.” toni says softly, smiling despite herself when cheryl’s cheeks turn red with shyness, and josie laughs before she throws her arm around cheryl’s shoulders.

 

“yeah, she’s kind of amazing, isn’t she? we used to stay at each other's dorms all the time in college...such good times.” josie says fondly, prompting cheryl to shove her lightly with a groan of embarrassment before toni claps her hands together and looks to cheryl with a smile.

 

“alright, wanna get that ice cream?” she asks. cheryl’s about to answer when archie suddenly clears his throat and walks up to her.

 

“uh, why don’t you and josie head on in and get it?” he says pointedly to toni, who frowns and watches for just a second at the way josie raises an eyebrow and the way cheryl looks at archie in confusion before she purses her lips and nods once.

 

they have to talk about it…if cheryl gets upset, toni can just do her best to calm her down when they get back home…

 

“come on, josie, this one’s been craving coconut ice cream for weeks now, if i don’t get it now, she might kill me.” toni teases, looping her arm in josie’s and leading her inside the shop while cheryl watches them go with a frown.

 

she feels archie almost immediately tense up beside her before he suddenly grips her hand and lets out a shaky sigh.

 

“cheryl…can we talk?” he asks softly, nodding towards the table that he and josie were just sitting at and prompting cheryl’s frown to only grow as she nods once and lets him lead her to one of the metal chairs. she shivers slightly from the cold of it as it touches her skin, but smiles as archie leans in close to her with nothing but worry shining in his eyes.

 

“cheryl, i…god, i don’t even know how to say this-.”

 

“archie, what is it?” cheryl asks, panic starting to grip her now as she leans in to her former fiancé with concern.

 

what the hell? why did archie look so goddamn scared?

 

“i…fuck, okay, i wanna…i wanna ask you something, and i don’t want you to get upset when i do, cheryl, okay? if…if you’re not okay with it, then we can forget about it, i won’t even consider it anymore-.”

 

“archie, you’re scaring me. what’s going on?” cheryl asks shakily, her eyes darting briefly inside the store to where toni and josie are standing in line and chatting before archie lets out this low pitched whine and shakes his head.

 

“f-forget it, i can’t-.”

 

“arch…” cheryl reaches out and takes his hand, gripping it in her own and giving it a reassuring squeeze, and that seems to be all it takes for the floodgates to open as archie bounces on his feet slightly before-

 

“i w-wanna ask josie out on a date!” 

 

cheryl blinks once, twice, three times, tries _hard_ to process what archie’s just said to her, but her brain seems to be stuck in some stationary moment where each word is frozen and not computing through to _any_ of her synaptic systems.

 

date…archie wants…archie wants to ask josie out on a date…

 

josie…her best friend, josie, josie mccoy, the girl she went to college with, archie, _her_ archie, her ex fiancé, archie, archie andrews wants to ask her best friend out on a date-

 

“cheryl, i’m s-sorry, i…forget it, it doesn’t matter-.”

 

“no! i…” cheryl manages to gasp out, her hand flying out onto the table to grip archie’s tightly as she finally begins to realize what exactly is happening here.

 

that archie…sweet, innocent archie andrews, the boy who’s goddamn heart _she_ broke…is asking her for fucking _permission_ to ask her best friend out.

 

“archie…you don’t need to ask me if it’s okay, i don’t _own_ you or anything.” cheryl says incredulously, looking up at him sadly and watching as his eyes widen before he shakes his head furiously.

 

“n-no, it’s not that, cheryl! it’s just…josie’s your best friend, and i didn’t want there to be any…any _awkwardness_ over it-.”

 

“i don’t own josie, either. and archie, i…i just want you to be happy, that’s all. and i can’t expect you not to move on and date someone in the future. i said you were gonna find someone one day, remember? you really think i would’ve said that if i’d be upset at you dating someone?” cheryl says with a slight chuckle, trying her best to keep back her tears for archie’s sake more than anything, because she doesn’t want to confuse him or upset him.

 

because she’s not crying at the idea of archie and josie dating…actually, now that she thinks about it, they’d kind of be perfect for each other, and they’ve always gotten along so well, it’s just…

 

is…is she doing something wrong? why isn’t she currently asking toni on dates or kissing her in public or officially calling toni her girlfriend? archie’s moved on, god, he’s already thinking of dating someone, and yet, something keeps holding cheryl back from making it official with toni, and she doesn’t even know what it is. 

 

_isn’t it obvious, cheryl? you spent your whole life thinking you were straight, spent your whole life worried about what other people thought of you because that’s how your parents raised you to be…you thought you were finally free, and you are, but fuck, the only thing holding you back…_

 

it’s her. 

 

god, there’s nothing in her way anymore, the only thing stopping her is herself. 

 

“cheryl, are…are you sure? i really don’t wanna upset you-.”

 

“ask her out, archie. you have my wholehearted blessing.” cheryl encourages him, smiling as best as she can despite the thoughts swirling in her own mind, but the almost dazzling smile that archie gives her in response is enough to almost make her start crying.

 

she hasn’t seen that smile in a long time…and if there's anyone who deserves to smile like that, it's archie andrews...

 

“archie…i love you, okay? i just want you to be happy.” cheryl croaks out, blinking back tears as archie’s expression softens before he’s reaching for cheryl’s hand and taking it between his own.

 

“i know, cheryl. i want you to be happy, too. and when you’re with toni…” archie trails off, shaking his head and scoffing before he looks back into the store to see josie and toni placing their orders at the front of the counter, toni leaning against the benchtop with an almost childlike grin on her face as she points to the flavors of ice cream she wants.

 

_god, she’s beautiful…_

 

“with toni, you’re the happiest i’ve ever seen you.” archie finishes, pulling cheryl’s gaze away from the girl as she looks to her former fiancé with a smile. 

 

“god, so much has changed…” cheryl whispers, shaking her head in disbelief as archie laughs loudly and squeezes her hand tightly.

 

“yeah, but…it’s changed for the better, don’t you think?” archie says, grinning as cheryl finds herself looking back into the store to see toni licking ice cream off the cone in her hands with a giggle before she makes eye contact with the red haired girl, her expression almost immediately softening with a smile.

 

“yeah, archie…it definitely has.” 

 

\--------------

 

“you’ve been quiet since we got back…is everything okay, cher?” 

 

toni’s voice is soft in her ear, but the hold she has around her chest tightens slightly as cheryl lets out a shaky breath and falls further into her embrace, still scooping out the last dregs of her ice cream from the cup in her hands. 

 

she takes a few seconds to respond, and toni is patient, as always, waits for her to talk as she shifts slightly before letting out a deep sigh and resting her head in the crook of toni’s elbow.

 

“i don’t know, i just…wasn’t expecting all of that, i guess…” 

 

“mmm, all of what?” toni prompts, running her fingers over cheryl’s arms and causing goosebumps to rise on her alabaster skin as she leans back until toni’s chin is resting on top of her head.

 

“archie and josie…running into them at the ice cream place…archie told me he wanted to ask her out on a date, but i think they were already on one...” cheryl asks in a low voice, her fingers fiddling subconsciously with the spoon in her plastic cup as toni sighs and presses a kiss to the back of her head.

 

“they weren't, babe. archie told me they just ran into each other, but…he does want to ask her out. we've actually been talking about it in his sessions…did he talk to you about that?” toni asks softly, her fingers moving up and tickling the back of cheryl’s arm slightly as she suppresses a shiver and nods once with pursed lips, trying her best not to get upset that toni hadn't told her anything about it, but it's an anger that almost immediately fades.

 

because archie told her this in therapy, and cheryl wholeheartedly understands why she didn't say anything to her. because it's not _her place_ to know anything about it, and because toni's already breaking so many goddamn rules...

 

“yeah, he spoke to me about it. i gave him my blessing.”

 

“you did?” toni says in surprise, prompting cheryl to turn in her arms and look at her with a raised eyebrow.

 

“yeah…did you think i would be upset by it?” she asks. toni bites down on her bottom lip before she shrugs.

 

“i don’t know, cher…it’s your ex-fiancé and your best friend, i wouldn’t blame you if you were upset. but archie’s on his way to really recovering from all of this-.” toni starts, but cheryl interrupts with a heavy sigh and a shake of her head.

 

“no, i…i know. i’m not upset about archie and josie wanting to date, toni. i think i’m more upset…i’m more upset about the fact that archie’s somehow managed to move on already and i’m just…i don’t know. stuck…stagnant, unable to really move forward because i’m too scared to.” cheryl confesses, her body shifting uncomfortably once more and prompting toni to frown before she presses a kiss to the back of cheryl's head once again.

 

“cher…you lost so much more than archie did when the relationship between you two ended. i’m not trying to diminish archie’s pain when i say that, but he just lost a relationship, whereas you? you lost your family, you lost your job, your entire life was altered. of course it’s gonna take you longer to adjust…” she murmurs, her hands suddenly moving out from around her chest and instead moving to her shoulders, where she softly begins massaging them. cheryl finds her eyes rolling into the back of her head at the feeling, a soft, involuntary moan escaping her at the tension that disappears before she licks her lips and responds.

 

“yeah…i’m trying really hard to stop thinking about my parents and to stop letting how they raised me influence how i live my life anymore…”

 

“hey, at least you’re trying…and you’re feeling things again, and talking to me openly about it…looks like this medication might be good for you.” toni whispers into her ear before pressing a kiss to it softly. 

 

it's quiet for a few moments before the words on the tip of cheryl's tongue just seem to burst out of her without any restraint.

 

“toni…what are we doing?” she whispers. her heart immediately clenches as she feels toni's fingers halt their movement against her shoulders, a sharp intake of breath sounding before she resumes her actions.

 

“what do you mean?” she asks firmly. cheryl hesitates before she turns in toni's arms until she's somewhat sitting on her lap, placing the cup on the coffee table as the pink haired girl's arms wrap around her waist gently with a frown.

 

“we…we never really made things official between us, did we?” cheryl says in a low voice, avoiding eye contact and looking down at the way she trails her fingers up and down toni's forearms gently. toni suddenly chuckles before she lifts a hand and tucks it under cheryl's chin to lift her gaze.

 

“there’s no rush, cher…label or no label, i…i just love _being_ with you.” she says softly, smiling and making cheryl's heart just _melt_ at the sight of it. 

 

no rush...there is no rush, cheryl knows that, but...what the fuck is holding her back?

 

she wants toni to be _hers._ no matter what, she wants to know, without a shadow of a doubt, that toni wanted to be with her, and the only way she's going to know that...

 

“i’m not afraid anymore, toni.” cheryl whispers. toni's eyes widen, the hands at her waist halting before they move up to brush away the hair sticking to cheryl's face, tucking it behind her ears tenderly before she leans in to kiss her softly.

 

cheryl returns the kiss eagerly, finds herself scooting further into toni's lap before the pink haired girl pulls away and looks up at her with a breathless pant.

 

“cheryl…will you be my girlfriend?” she croaks out.

 

oh shit...

 

oh shit, it's...fuck, it's _real._ it's all real, isn't it? toni...toni wants to be with her, wants to do this with her, have the relationship and the dates and the cute moments where they call each other 'girlfriend'...doesn't want her to just be this fling on the side anymore, doesn't want her to just be someone she's 'seeing', but someone...fuck, someone she's 'dating'...

 

"i...toni, i want that more than anything." cheryl whispers.

 

and fuck, the look of complete and utter _excitement_ that shines in toni's eyes has her heart racing as toni immediately grips the back of her neck and pulls her down for a kiss that cheryl's positive she'll never forget. a kiss that transcends anything they've shared before, a kiss filled with so much fucking _passion..._

 

their first kiss as girlfriends.

 

god, does she have so much to write into her journal tonight...and for once, she won't have to fear the prying eyes of her parents. she can write freely about the way toni, about the way _a woman_ makes her feel, can finally acknowledge just how much every kiss with toni makes her feel more and more alive...can finally attempt to put it into words on pen and paper...

 

and that thought has her grinning widely as she wraps her arms around toni tighter and pulls her in for another searing kiss, one that has them both giggling against each other as cheryl pushes her down on the couch, where they remain for the rest of the night, tangled in each other's embrace, in the happiness that consumes them both.


	16. what lies ahead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is long. this chapter is also the calm before the storm, so enjoy it while you can, heh.
> 
> uhhhhhhhh smut warning *finger guns*

as the weeks go by, cheryl blossom becomes well and truly acquainted with the saying that time heals all wounds.

 

because as the weeks go by, and cheryl becomes more accustomed to the idea of toni topaz as her girlfriend, cheryl finds herself in a position she never thought was possible.

 

she’s _happy._

 

happier than she’s ever been in what she’s quite sure is her whole entire life. the new medication is efficient, blocks cheryl’s ocd from creeping back in from the shadows, perhaps not as thoroughly as the old medication did, because there’s still times where cheryl finds herself fighting the urge to scrub the apartment she lives in with toni clean, or times where she finds herself wanting to lock and unlock the front door five times before leaving or entering, but the medication helps her push through it…helps her realize and remember that it’s not a necessity, blocks out the thoughts that make her think it is.

 

and so cheryl, for the first time in her twenty five years of life, is able to overcome her ocd, is able to break through the haze her thoughts go into every time she has an attack and is able to push through them, like kicking down a barrier that’s been keeping her from living her life for so long, and without the compromise, this time, of her emotions.

 

because those, she’s sure, are still very much there.

 

and she knows that, because as the weeks go by, cheryl blossom finds herself falling more and more in love with antoinette topaz. 

 

it’s something she’s never felt before, something that wasn’t authentic when it came to her love for archie andrews, something she stupidly thought was romantic when truthfully, it was platonic…but this is something new. something exciting, something so breathtaking that cheryl still can’t quite wrap her head around it.

 

because as christmas begins to draw closer and closer and the air begins to become colder and colder around them, cheryl finds herself constantly craving not only the warmth of toni’s arms wrapped around her, but toni’s company almost twenty four seven.

 

it’s unhealthy, perhaps, cheryl knows they can’t be together all the time, but cheryl finds herself practically glued to toni’s side the second she comes through the door after work almost every day, kissing her silly until both their lips are bruised. the thing that sucks even more is the fact that even their weekends are now taken up by toni having to drive back down to riverdale to look over her vacation home, cheryl choosing to tag along every time because she couldn’t bear being away from toni after spending most of the week away from her. so as much as they crave each other's company, the truth is, they've barely been getting it.

 

she at least has her new job as a receptionist at a law firm to keep her mind occupied from nine to five from monday to friday, but perhaps it’s the time they spend apart that makes her crave her so fucking much. because the pride that had shone in toni’s eyes when cheryl had got the call saying she got the job had just made cheryl want her all that much more.

 

“god, i’m so proud of you, cher…” toni had whispered, tucking locks of hair behind her ear before she had kissed her so passionately, cheryl’s mind still spins every time she thinks back on it. 

 

of course, cheryl hasn’t exactly plucked up the courage to take that next step in their relationship yet...hasn't quite plucked up the courage to tell her she loves her...the truth is she’s waiting for the right moment. when that moment will come, she isn’t sure, but with the way they’re constantly busy with work lately…

 

granted, cheryl feels more than a little qualified for a receptionist job at a law firm, especially with a degree in business, but for now, it’ll have to do. it pays well, and with cheryl’s funds from selling her apartment with archie forever dwindling, she finds herself embracing the welcoming distraction from being separated from toni with open arms, the distraction from so many other things that make her heart race, thrusting herself into her work happily in order to do.

 

so…time has healed her wounds. because thanks to her medication, thanks to her new job, and thanks to the weekends she at least gets to spend with toni driving down for six hours to and from riverdale, cheryl finds herself experiencing happiness for the first time in her entire life. 

 

she finds herself watching the little snowflakes that hit the window of her bedroom with a smile, raising the mug of hot coffee to her lips to take a sip as the fog outside continues to cause the room temperature to drop more and more.

 

it’s officially the weekend before christmas, both cheryl and toni off work for the next two weeks to celebrate the holidays, and construction work on the vacation home being halted also means that they can finally spend their time together in toni’s apartment instead of rushing out to meet fred and archie before eventually collapsing into bed at toni’s trailer with exhaustion and fatigue. 

 

they can finally relax…and truly embrace the fact that they’re officially in a relationship.

 

they’ve been dating for six weeks now officially, but cheryl still finds herself grinning widely at the thought that toni topaz is her _girlfriend._

 

she has a girlfriend. she, cheryl blossom, the girl who spent twenty five fucking years of her life in the closet…has a girlfriend.

 

and not just any girlfriend, but _toni topaz._ the most caring, most amazing, most _beautiful_ person she’s ever had the fortune of meeting. 

 

_i love her...i really do..._

 

she should tell her...she knows she should, it's only eating her up inside, but she wants to wait...for the _perfect_ moment...

 

she finds her eyes trailing to the painting that’s half done beside her dressing table, takes in the different colors of white and blue on the canvas before she frowns and makes her way over to her, setting her mug down and picking up her clipboard of paints and brush once more.

 

she stares out of the window at the fog and the snowflakes swirling in the wind outside, sees the cold city of new york and the hustle and bustle on the street below before she dips her brush into the paints and gets to work continuing to capture the image before her in color on a canvas.

 

her whole body feels like it’s floating, like it always does when she’s painting, or engaging in any form of artwork, and it isn’t long before she hears a soft knock at the door that has her jumping slightly in surprise with a soft gasp.

 

“whoa, sorry…didn’t mean to scare you.” toni says softly, chuckling slightly before she wraps the cardigan around her shoulders tighter around her, making her way over to cheryl with a grin that has the red haired girl giggling as she turns to face the canvas once more. cheryl continues painting, finds herself beginning to heat up the closer she can hear and _feel_ toni getting closer to her until warm arms wrap around her waist and tug her back lightly until her back is pressed against toni’s chest. she giggles, unable to contain it as toni’s lips begin peppering the space between her neck and shoulder with gentle kisses, her fingers hooking into cheryl’s shirt to tug it aside and expose the skin she’s currently placing her lips on slowly. 

 

“wow, cher…it’s beautiful.” toni whispers against her skin, resting her chin on cheryl’s shoulder and looking at the painting before them with a soft smile as cheryl hums softly and continues brushing the mixture of white and blue paint over the top of the canvas to emulate the sky.

 

“mmm, thank you. what did fred say?” cheryl asks hoarsely, reaching for her mug to take a sip of her coffee and chuckling when toni whines and doesn’t let go of her, simply ends up getting dragged along with her before the pink haired girl responds.

 

“he thinks once the holidays are over and everything’s back on track, the vacation home should be done within a couple of months…” toni murmurs, kissing the spot beneath her ear once she’s settled back in front of the canvas, and cheryl simply tilts her head to the side and allows toni’s kisses to trail over her jaw and pulse point as the hands at her waist grip tightly before they move under her shirt to touch the cold, pale skin over her ribs.

 

“that’s good…maybe we can take some time off work and s-spend some t-time there once it’s done.” cheryl manages to gasp out, her eyes fluttering closed and her stomach clenching as toni’s teeth scrape over her neck roughly, nails digging into her skin and causing goosebumps to erupt over her skin as toni hums against her with a soft chuckle. 

 

“mmm, that sounds good.” toni breathes, hot breath heating cheryl’s neck and causing her to shiver as her head drops slightly against toni’s shoulder a little in her daze. 

 

fuck, toni seems to know all the buttons to fucking push to make her flustered and weak-

 

“by the way…i bought you a christmas present.” toni whispers. cheryl finds herself freezing in shock, this excitement bubbling up inside her, but also this devastation welling up and causing tears to form in her eyes despite her happiness.

 

because for the first time…cheryl is entering a christmas without her parents or jason by her side. 

 

she still hasn’t heard a word from any of them, and cheryl knew the possibility of hearing from her parents would be slim, but not hearing from jason…that’s what hurts the most. he was her _twin_ brother, and yet…nothing.

 

cheryl had gone christmas shopping herself, had gotten gifts for archie and josie, betty and jughead and fred, for even midge and veronica, and of course, for toni, and she couldn’t resist buying one for jason as well…a simple snow globe of new york with a post it note at the bottom that had a short message written on it:

 

_i miss you. merry christmas, jay-jay._   
_-love, cheryl_

 

she had sent it without toni’s knowledge a couple of days ago, isn’t sure if it’s arrived to jason yet or not, and she has no idea if she’s going to hear back from her brother at all, is praying that her short but sweet message will help open his eyes to just how toxic their parents are…just how much they’ve torn them apart…

 

“cher? you still with me?” toni asks softly. cheryl blinks rapidly, pulled out of her thought as she realizes she completely ignored toni telling her she bought her a christmas present.

 

“yes, sorry, i…i bought you one, too. we don’t have a tree to put our gifts under, though.” cheryl says with a smile, setting everything in her hands on top of the dressing table and turning in toni’s arms, wrapping her arms around the petite girl’s neck as she wraps her arms around cheryl’s waist, too.

 

“actually…i was wondering if you’d wanna go tree shopping with me this afternoon? they’re selling some cute small ones just down the street.” toni asks sheepishly, smiling widely as cheryl giggles and presses a quick kiss to her cheek.

 

“of course i’ll go tree shopping with you!” she says giddily, all thoughts of jason erased from her mind in her excitement, teeth gnawing at her bottom lip as toni laughs and reaches up to brush her thumb over the little dabs of paint marking cheryl’s skin on her brow and jaw tenderly.

 

tree shopping with toni?

 

_i love her...i am so fucking in love with her..._

 

“i think first, you need to get cleaned up, my little artist…”

 

\-----------

 

at the end of it all, cheryl and toni end up buying a simple, small tree to accommodate the both of them, and later on in the week, end up decorating it to perfection with small baubles and christmas lights, and toni finds herself beginning to wonder if _this_ is going to end up being the best christmas she’s ever had.

 

her christmases in riverdale when her parents were around consisted of nothing but her parents getting high, and christmases with her grandfather were good while they lasted. christmases with her uncle are something she’d rather not remember, and the one christmas she spent with the serpents had been the best one she’s ever had, the little gang of teenagers exchanging gifts with wide grins…toni still has the little serpent necklace she’d gotten from sweet pea, and the serpent ring from fangs that had long ago rusted over, to the point where every time she wears it now, it turns her finger green…not that she minds, of course. 

 

but this christmas? this christmas with cheryl has barely begun, and it’s already toni’s favorite. 

 

getting to watch cheryl blossom paint on canvas after canvas in her room with her headphones in, bopping her head and singing along quietly to music quickly becomes an obsession for toni. because the smile that takes over cheryl’s face when she’s in the zone of artistry is something toni never, ever wants to lose the sight of. it’s beyond beautiful, beyond comprehension, the way she wipes at her brow and leaves a splotch of paint on her skin without fail every single time she paints…or the way she gnaws at her bottom lip and squints with her head tilted to the left _just_ a little as she tries to figure out which colors to use next, and the way she gasps softly and grins when she figures it out and begins mixing the colors on her palette…

 

there’s no doubt in toni’s mind now, that she’s in love with cheryl blossom. and as much as it terrifies her, and as much as it complicates things further…she finds herself basking in it.

 

she’s never been in love before…and oh, what a glorious feeling it is…

 

waking up to the scent of cherry blossom shampoo finds toni topaz burying her nose further into red hair on the day of christmas morning, a happy, content sigh escaping her as she pulls the body pressed against her chest impossibly closer to her. she pulls the blankets further around their bodies, the cold air clinging to them tightly and causing her to shiver. there’s a snowstorm hitting new york right now, practically snowing them in for the last two days, and with a quick glance out of the window, toni can see it’s not letting up any time soon.

 

_looks like christmas will be spent inside…_

 

she hears a soft groan of displeasure before a soft gasp sounds out, and before she can even register the fact that she’s woken up for the day, she hears a happy squeal before hands are gripping her bicep and shaking her roughly.

 

“toni! it’s christmas morning, come on, presents!” 

 

and all too quickly, the warmth she’s been holding close disappears, leaving behind only the scent of that shampoo and what smells like hibiscus shower gel as toni slowly blinks her eyes open and lets out a deep sigh, but a happy chuckle at the same time.

 

she gives herself the time to stretch, joints popping from the stiffness and causing her to groan before she slowly pushes herself up and out of bed and makes her way to the living room, where cheryl is already grabbing her gift from archie, the two girls exchanging gifts with josie, veronica, archie, fred, betty and jughead as they’ve seen them over the weeks.

 

she unwraps the box slowly, and to toni’s surprise, as she settles on the floor in front of the tree beside cheryl, the girl begins to blink back tears, a sniffle escaping her as she looks up at toni with a sad smile.

 

“he got me a little souvenir from pop’s diner in riverdale…it’s where we had our first date…” cheryl whispers, pulling out a white mug with a little logo that says ‘pop’s diner’ on it stamped on the side in red, and then pulls out a small card that was under it.

 

“‘first christmas in eight years we’re not spending as a couple…but the first christmas we’re spending finally understanding each other. wouldn’t have it any other way, honey. merry christmas, cheryl. just promise me you’ll always be around, for many christmases more…love, archie.’” she says softly, smiling up at toni, who finds herself smiling at the mug fondly, thanking every god she knows for archie andrews and is ever understanding heart and soul…

 

cheryl reaches for her present from josie next, a beautiful necklace that has a bright red little cherry dangling off it that has cheryl smiling softly as she looks to toni with a cheeky smile.

 

“she thought i said ‘cherry blossom’ when i told her my name the first time we met…” she says with a chuckle before she reaches for fred’s present, which is also jewelry: a beautiful pair of diamond earrings that have tears welling in cheryl’s eyes that the man put so much effort into her present when she broke his son’s heart…

 

“he loves you, cher. you know that, he sees you like a daughter, even now…” toni reassures her, rubbing her back soothingly as she sniffs back tears. toni finds herself reaching for her own presents: a beautiful golden pen from archie, with a note that says ‘so you can write about how crazy i am in your file on me…in style!’, a new helmet from fred that has her gasping in surprise before she’s looking at it in awe, sleek and black with not a dent on it like her old one…it’s beautiful.

 

_damn, fred…really went all out, huh?_

 

he truly is the best man toni’s ever known…

 

josie gets her a beautiful, personalized journal for the next year that has her name written on the front of it in gold, and she is about to reach for her one from betty and jughead when she hears cheryl gasp beside her.

 

“oh my god…oh my god!” 

 

toni turns to look at her in shock, sees cheryl holding her gift from betty and jughead in her hands.

 

a little onesie that says ‘aunty cheryl is my favorite…’, along with a card that has a due date for june next year. 

 

the next ten minutes consist of toni ripping apart her gift from betty and jughead eagerly, where she ends up pulling out another onesie that says ‘…but aunty toni is the coolest!’ before both girls are squealing and scrambling to grab their phones, toni calling jughead, and cheryl calling betty to confirm the news.

 

“you’re pregnant?! oh my god, cousin betty, i…i don’t know what to say-.”

 

“i can’t believe you’re gonna be a father, jughead, fuck…this is crazy!” 

 

when they eventually end their calls and manage to calm themselves down, it hits toni that the kid is gonna have a matching set of onesies revolving around _them_ , their supposed two aunties, and she finds herself unable to stop herself from grinning as cheryl looks down at her last present with a deep sigh and a nervous chuckle:

 

her present from toni.

 

toni has her hands on her own present from cheryl, the both of them exchanging looks before they say at the same time:

 

“you go first!”

 

toni laughs as cheryl bites down on her bottom lip to stop herself from grinning, and toni simply raises her hand to her mouth and presses a kiss to her knuckles tenderly.

 

“you go first, baby.” 

 

cheryl smiles before she purses her lips and reaches for the medium sized box, pulling open the lid and immediately gasping as her eyes take in the sight before her.

 

an entire new paint and brush set kit, the most expensive and professional one toni could find. cheryl’s fingers move delicately over the brushes, taking them in with awe before lifting the palette and holding it in her hands with nothing but excitement shining in her eyes.

 

“oh, wow, it barely weights a thing, toni!” she exclaims, grinning down at it before she’s rummaging through the paints as well. 

 

“i figured your arm must get tired, carrying that old, clunky palette of yours from college, so i-.”

 

she’s cut off by the feeling of full lips smashing against her own, a grunt of surprise escaping her before she returns the kiss eagerly and with a smile. cheryl only pulls away when the need for air becomes too great, gasping breathlessly against toni before she pecks her lips one last time.

 

“thank you, toni. god, i don’t know what to say…”

 

“you don’t have to say anything. just…merry christmas, cheryl.” toni whispers, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear tenderly. 

 

“merry christmas, toni.” cheryl whispers back. they stay for a few moments, wrapped in each other’s embrace, foreheads resting against each other with slow kisses pressed to full, swollen lips every once in a while before cheryl inhales sharply and pulls away from her, nodding down to the present from cheryl to toni that still hasn’t been touched. 

 

“your turn.” she croaks out, smiling softly as toni chuckles and reaches for the box with a raised eyebrow. it’s small, not that toni minds at all, and she opens it to reveal a rectangular looking box inside it, which she takes out and opens.

 

there’s a beautiful sterling silver bracelet inside with charms hanging off it, and toni can feel the tears slowly building in her eyes with each one she takes in.

 

there’s a wolf charm, the little creature dangling off one of the rings all in sterling silver, toni shocked that cheryl remembered the story toni had told her about wolves being her native american family on her dad’s side’s spirit animal before her eyes land on the rainbow charm beside it, which pulls a chortle out of toni, and finally…

 

a snake charm. a serpent curled up tight, dangling next to the wolf charm that has toni looking up at cheryl with tear filled eyes. 

 

“i thought…i thought i’d just get little charms that represented _you_ , toni.” she breathes, watching in anticipation as toni stares down at the bracelet before she’s placing the box back on the floor-

 

and practically throwing herself into cheryl’s arms, burying her face into cheryl’s neck and hugging her close, tears falling before she can stop them as cheryl’s arms wrap around her just as tightly.

 

“it’s beautiful, cheryl…” toni whispers, pulling back and peppering kisses over her jawline slowly before she pulls back and sniffs once, looking into cheryl’s eyes to see them filled with nothing but tenderness.

 

“you’re welcome, babe.” cheryl murmurs, rubbing her back softly as toni shivers slightly from the cold clinging to the air. they hold each other a little longer as toni continues pressing soft kisses to cheryl’s neck, and she can feel the goosebumps rising on her skin with each touch of her lips until cheryl’s gripping the back of her shirt, fingers sliding just under it to touch the cold skin of her lower back-

 

toni fights back a whine as she dips lower to kiss her collarbone, nails scratching at her shoulder blades lightly before she’s inhaling sharply and pulling away slowly to look into cheryl’s eyes. 

 

there’s this look in them that toni’s only seen a handful of times, but a look that leaves her heart racing every time, because it’s a look of such _want_ , one that toni knows is reflected in her own eyes-

 

“can you put it on me?” toni asks suddenly, trying to break the tension because she doesn’t want to make cheryl uncomfortable, and the redhead clears her throat before she nods and reaches for the box to pull the bracelet out. toni pulls back a little further and holds out her wrist, smiling as cheryl slowly clasps it shut as she presses a tender kiss to the corner of toni’s mouth. 

 

the silver contrasts beautifully against her tanned skin, and toni smiles before she takes cheryl’s hand into her own and begins playing with her fingers nonchalantly, looking up at her with a warm smile as she does while cheryl shivers slightly from the air that only seems to get colder with each passing moment.

 

“god, it’s freezing…”

 

“mmm…what do you say we warm up by the fireplace in my room? the snowstorm’s only gonna get worse as the day goes on, apparently.” 

 

“sounds good…” cheryl gives her hand a squeeze before they’re both moving up off the floor, the wind howling outside the window loudly as toni lets cheryl take her hand and lead her to her bedroom at the far end of the hallway. 

 

“i’m just gonna grab a cardigan, you start the fire, okay?” cheryl says, slowly disentangling her fingers from toni’s as she walks into her own room while toni makes her way to hers. she grabs a matchstick, quickly lighting it from the bottom of the cylinder the sticks are resting in before she opens the grate and throws it on top of the wood that’s placed inside the grate. it instantly sparks to life, warming her entire body up and causing her to shiver before she closes the grate and grabs two blankets from her closet, placing one on the ground just as she turns to see cheryl walking in slowly with a couple of pillows and cushions in her hands. 

 

“we can build a little cushion fort!” she says with a grin, prompting toni to laugh loudly before she drops the blanket and rushes forward to help her with the six or seven cushions she has in her arms. they set them down in front of the fireplace on top of the blanket before sitting down on top of them comfortably, and it’s quiet for a few moments as they stare at the fire and simply let it warm their freezing limbs before cheryl suddenly shifts and hugs her knees close to her chest, her chin resting on top of them with a heavy sigh.

 

“this…this is my first christmas without jason.” she whispers. toni lets out a sigh, not of frustration, but out of sympathy, her body almost immediately shifting to move closer to cheryl’s as the redhead sniffs once and looks up at her with a sad smile. 

 

“i sent him something...a present. i didn’t get anything back. not even a letter…i thought he really cared about me, but i guess the company means more to him than i do.” she croaks out, swallowing thickly until toni wordlessly shifts her body, pressing cheryl’s back into her chest and letting her legs rest on either side of cheryl’s body as the girl whimpers and sinks against her almost tiredly, eyes fluttering closed while her bottom lip trembles with contained tears. toni grabs the blanket on the ground beside them and pulls it over their bodies as cheryl smiles and rests her temple against toni’s cheek with a sigh.

 

“but i’ve got you…right?” cheryl breathes, hands gripping toni’s thighs before they’re moving up to grip the hands of the arms that quickly wrap around her chest, toni’s lips kissing her temple softly before a nose is nudging against her hair and hot breath is hitting her ear and causing her to shiver involuntarily.

 

“always.” toni says firmly with a whisper, chest pressing further against cheryl’s back, to the point where she can almost feel toni’s heart beating…

 

“then this will be the best christmas i’ve ever had.” cheryl says simply. she feels toni smile against the side of her face before she’s holding her closer and kissing the back of her head, and cheryl finds herself sinking further into toni’s touch with a hum of content, the warmth of the fire making her almost tired as toni rocks her side to side gently. 

 

it’s quiet for a while, the both of them soaking up the warmth of the room desperately as the wind continues to howl wildly outside from the snowstorm, and cheryl isn’t even aware that she’s dozed off until she feels toni shift against her slowly.

 

it startles her back to consciousness, a heavy sigh escaping her before toni presses a kiss to her ear.

 

“you okay?” she mumbles. cheryl simply nods, smiling at the feeling of toni’s lips at her ear before she shifts over until she’s practically sitting in toni’s lap, arms thrown around her neck and lips brushing across her cheek.

 

_ugh…this infamous, stupid fucking cheek of hers that kick started this whole fucking thing…one kiss on her cheek and it was game over…_

 

it still causes sparks to fly for her, still makes her lips tingle at the feeling of toni’s soft skin beneath them, still makes her heart beat erratically as toni hums at the feeling and grips her waist just a little tighter because of it. 

 

cheryl pulls back just slightly, looks into toni’s eyes and sees that all too familiar look of lust that’s been plaguing her for the last few weeks…that look that tells cheryl that toni wants her, craves her…

 

and yet, they haven’t taken that step yet. because cheryl’s just not ready.

 

right?

 

_are you, though? ready?_

 

is she ready? to take that next step with toni? 

 

it’s…terrifying. yes, it definitely is, but it’s also…exhilarating. it’s also inspiring. it’s also-

 

_toni. it’s toni, you **trust** her…_

 

and she does. with her heart, with her mind, her body, her soul…her entire goddamn _life._

 

she's ready. of that she's sure...

 

“toni…” the words get stuck in her throat, unable to move past the lump that has formed as toni looks at her with a raised eyebrow, not quite understanding the sudden shift in attitude before cheryl’s pressing herself as close to toni as possible, lips trailing down from her cheek to her jaw slowly as a hand lifts to cup the other cheek lightly.

 

she hasn’t had sex with another woman since college…what if she’s bad at it?

 

“cheryl…” toni breathes simply, fingers enclosing around the wrist at her face as the other hand tucks under her chin to lift her gaze, and cheryl finds herself almost staring up at the pink haired girl shyly as her nose brushes against cheryl’s in a tender bop.

 

“i…i want…” cheryl trails off again, her whole body trembling, and not from the cold anymore as toni pulls back and looks into her eyes again, as if she’s trying to determine what’s going on behind them before she’s simply brushing her thumb over cheryl’s cheek in soft strokes for a few moments, lips inching closer and closer until cheryl can feel them moving against her own as she utters her next words.

 

“are you sure?” she murmurs, fingers running through her hair and her body shifting as cheryl swallows thickly and nods bravely.

 

how toni can just _know_ what she’s thinking at all fucking times…

 

“yes…i’m sure.” she says confidently, not a single waver or squeak in her voice as toni suddenly wraps an arm around her waist and slowly begins pushing her down until she’s lying flat on the blanket with her head resting on one of the cushions, the blanket on top of them falling off their bodies. her breath quickens as toni holds herself up with one arm and keeps the other wrapped around cheryl’s waist, nose nudging across her bottom lip before it skates down to tuck under her chin, lifting it slightly so she can patter soft kisses against the skin there slowly. she settles between cheryl’s legs, the red head lifting and bending her knees to accommodate her despite how much she’s shaking as toni’s lips suddenly move up to her ear-

 

“say it. say you want me.” she says huskily, teeth tugging at her earlobe and causing her eyes to roll into the back of her fucking head as her back arches involuntarily, causing her chest to press against toni’s.

 

“i want you, toni, you know i do…” cheryl whimpers, unable to contain the soft moan that escapes her when toni’s teeth scrape against her pulse point slowly. she pulls the skin between her lips, sucking harshly and causing cheryl to grip the back of her shirt with a gasp as her eyes flutter closed, her entire body vibrating on a level she’s never felt before with _anyone_ else…

 

“i’ve wanted this from the moment i laid eyes on you, cheryl…” toni whispers, lips closing around her jaw and sucking tenderly as cheryl’s nails dig into her shoulder blades with a shiver.

 

“d-does this mean you’re gonna d-dump me as soon as you get what you want-mmm…” cheryl trails off as toni nips at her jaw before the pink haired girl pulls back and looks down at her sternly.

 

“don’t even fathom it. getting to know you, finding out who you were…discovering your _soul…_ all it did was make me want you in so many more ways than one…” toni says throatily, staring down at cheryl with such a _look_ of awe, that cheryl finds herself swallowing her fear before she licks her lips and nods once.

 

“then have me…in every way you want.” she whispers. she feels the way toni shivers against her before she’s leaning down to kiss the corner of her mouth slowly, the both of them breathing each other before toni shifts against her and takes the jacket she’s wearing off. cheryl helps her as best as she can, lips still glued together before toni pulls back and grabs cheryl’s hands, moving them down to the hem of her shirt.

 

“take it off.” she croaks out. cheryl looks up at her with wide eyes, the nerves starting to get to her now, but she’s ready, she knows she is, she wants this…god, does she want this…

 

she curls her fingers into the hem of toni’s shirt, trying to go back to her first year of college, trying to remember the things she did to make the girl she slept with squirm beneath her as she slowly peels toni’s shirt up and over her head.

 

she stares straight into toni’s eyes, heart thundering in her ears as toni stares back at her before she’s smiling and nudging cheryl’s nose with her own.

 

“you can look, you know…” she says with a chuckle. cheryl licks her lips again, her mouth suddenly very dry as her eyes slowly move down and take in every inch of the woman above her, every inch of antoinette topaz that rests bare in front of her. 

 

goosebumps cover every inch of her golden, tanned skin, collarbones jutting out beneath the flesh as cheryl finds her hands moving up to brush over them almost in wonder, causing toni to bite down on her bottom lip to hide a moan as her hands trails down-

 

cheryl’s thumbs brush over the top of her bra clad breasts, the dark black color of her bra contrasting with brown as cheryl’s fingers roam lower, nails digging slightly into a flat but toned stomach before toni’s suddenly reaching down and gripping one wrist, pulling it away from her body and bringing it up to her lips to press a kiss to her knuckles before…

 

she moves one of cheryl’s hands around her back, and cheryl finds a rush of bravery flooding her as she sits up slowly until toni’s positioned in her lap, both her hands resting around the middle of her back and fiddling with the bra clasp as toni leans forward with a sharp inhale of breath.

 

“take that off, too?” cheryl manages to squeak out, and toni chuckles quietly before she nods once against her. cheryl fumbles slightly in her nerves, fingers slipping from the fabric before she finally manages to pull the metal out of the hooks. she rests the palm of her hands flat against the cold skin that’s just been exposed, pulling toni closer to her and staring up at her with utter worship as toni slowly slides her arms out of the straps and pulls the bra completely free from her body.

 

cheryl closes her eyes and tries to really come to terms with what’s happening right now, that she has toni half naked on top of her, that with the simple action of opening her eyes, she’ll be taking in a sight she hasn’t seen before at all…

 

“open your eyes, cheryl.” toni whispers into her ear, causing tears to well in her eyes as she takes a deep breath in and finally does as she’s told.

 

toni’s still close, but cheryl is still able to take all of her in, eyes roaming down to full breasts and causing her mouth to almost drop open in awe, because she can’t quite understand how she’s so fucking _lucky_ to have something so beautiful in front of her right now…

 

it’s so intimate, the way they’re positioned right now, so out of cheryl’s element that she finds herself almost crying because of it, because she’s never experienced this level of affection before, but toni doesn’t even give her the chance to tear up, because she’s taking cheryl’s face into her hands and kissing her slowly before she’s taking one of cheryl’s hands and resting it over her collarbone, where cheryl can feel-

 

“my heart…it’s beating so fast, can you feel it?” toni whispers against her lips. cheryl nods against her with a whimper before she’s pulling back and looking up at her with a quivering smile.

 

“you’re nervous?” she asks in slight confusion, because it seems so _odd_ for toni to be nervous about this, her ever confident personality so goddamn alluring, one of the best qualities about her-

 

“of course i am, cher. it’s _you._ ” toni says softly. 

 

cheryl looks up at her, not quite sure how to respond to that before toni’s kissing her once more and taking any form of words or coherency out of her mind. she grips toni’s waist, thumbs just brushing under her breasts and causing toni to arch up into her touch, and cheryl’s mind is fucking spinning so wildly right now, she has no idea what she’s even doing anymore, but toni decides to take the plunge for her.

 

she grips cheryl’s wrists and rests them over her chest, both hands gripping the globes of flesh and causing cheryl’s entire brain to short circuit as her thumbs brush over pert, brown nipples-

 

“god, cheryl…” toni breathes, hands moving up to grip cheryl’s hair into fists as her hips buck in her lap involuntarily.

 

_oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck-_

 

toni suddenly pulls back and tucks a finger under her chin, a whimper escaping her when cheryl’s hands fall down her stomach to scratch her nails against the skin as she kisses her full lips once, twice, three times-

 

“cheryl…can i take your shirt off?” toni says huskily. cheryl’s heart stops, her entire body shaking as she nods numbly, her mind racing at the idea of being just as exposed to toni as she is to cheryl right now.

 

is her lust overpowering her fear right now?

 

_is that even a fucking question-_

 

toni’s fingers nimbly pinch the fabric of her cardigan before she’s sliding it off cheryl’s shoulders and body, letting it drop on the cushions behind her as she reaches for the hem of her shirt. she looks up into cheryl’s eyes questioningly once more, and when cheryl nods again, she slowly begins to lift her shirt up, the tips of her fingers brushing her sides and causing cheryl to bite back a moan as the shirt is lifted up and over her head. 

 

the cold air hits her harshly, and she can feel her nipples already hardening against her bra, causing her cheeks to flush before she can stop them as toni tucks a lock of hair behind her ear with a tender smile. 

 

“still sure?” she asks firmly. cheryl’s reply comes in a kiss, hands resting flat against her shoulder blades once more and pulling her closer as toni groans against her involuntarily and reaches behind her back for the clasp of her bra.

 

cheryl can’t help but grin when toni makes a noise of distress before she’s pulling back and looking at cheryl in confusion, and the redhead laughs and kisses her full, swollen lips affectionately once more.

 

“the clasp is at the front.” 

 

“ah…cheeky.” toni says with a chuckle. she takes the time to brush her fingers through cheryl’s hair, pulling back the hair from her forehead and staring down at her with a smile before she wraps an arm under cheryl’s until her palm is resting against her middle back. she slowly pushes her down back against the cushions, hovering over her once more before she’s kissing her way down cheryl’s lips to her chin, to her jaw, down her neck…

 

her fingers reach for the clasp at the front of her bra, prompting cheryl to arch up into her touch involuntarily with a soft moan. 

 

she pops the clasp open before she’s gently peeling the fabric back as if she’s opening a present, which cheryl figures she kind of is, fingers delicate as cheryl’s breasts are exposed to the cold air, causing goosebumps to explode all over her chest and stomach as a result, but cheryl barely pays it any mind, her eyes on toni and toni only as she takes in the sight of the redhead before her. 

 

“god, you’re beautiful…” toni breathes, licking her lips and staring at her in utter awe as cheryl swallows thickly, trying to ease her nerves. being this exposed to her, it’s terrifying, but toni is so gentle, is taking her time, isn’t rushing cheryl into anything even though…

 

god, even though right now, as nervous as she is, all cheryl can think about is how much she wants this. 

 

“we can take this as slow as you want, cheryl-.” toni starts, but cheryl’s shaking her head almost immediately as her hand reaches out to grip toni’s, pulling her on top of her closer, desperate for skin to skin contract-

 

the second toni’s chest presses against hers, all thought process is eliminated from cheryl’s mind. because the _feeling_ , god, it’s like electricity coursing through her veins, like thunder sparking throughout her body, setting her on fire, bringing her to life-

 

she doesn’t even respond to toni’s words, finds herself crashing their lips together desperately before she’s pushing toni over slightly until they’re laying side by side against the cushions, bodies still pressed skin to skin as toni grips her hair while cheryl simply rests her hands on toni’s back, a soft whine escaping her when toni suddenly pushes one of her legs between cheryl’s.

 

god, the heat coming off her, it’s insane-

 

toni suddenly trails her hand down cheryl’s back, fingertips trailing over her spine and causing her to shiver against toni involuntarily before her fingers suddenly curl into the belt loops of her jeans. she tugs them forward, causing cheryl to break their kiss with a breathless gasp, eyes fluttering closed as toni’s nails dig into hips lightly. 

 

“cheryl…look at me.” toni breathes, nose nudging against cheryl’s as she struggles to open her eyes, struggles to keep them open long enough to look into toni’s eyes before her fingers suddenly dip beneath the waistband of her jeans and her panties without warning.

 

cheryl’s head seems to duck down on it’s own involuntarily, burying into toni’s neck at the feeling of toni’s cold fingers dipping lower and lower, but the jeans restrict her from going too far, a growl of frustration escaping her as cheryl peppers her neck with kisses, hips bucking into her touch-

 

“lay on your back for me again, baby…” toni whispers into her ear softly, kissing the top of it tenderly as cheryl exhales shakily and slowly rolls onto her back, and she barely gets the chance to catch her breath before toni’s crashing their lips together once more, fingers fumbling with the button of her jeans and popping them open before she grips the zipper between her thumb and forefinger. 

 

toni’s lips travel downwards, sucking at her pulse point before a warm tongue is lathing over her collarbones, down between the valley of her breasts, kisses presses to the skin there before her lips very easily close around the pink pale bud of her right breast. cheryl bites onto her bottom lip to stop herself from screaming at the pleasure that courses through her, but toni doesn’t stay there long, simply swirls her tongue against cheryl's skin before her lips move further down as her fingers curl into the waistband of her jeans and tug down. cheryl arches her body off the ground to help toni along, chuckling as the girl peels her jeans off down past her knees and ankles before unceremoniously flinging them behind her. 

 

toni’s shaking so much, cheryl finds herself tucking a finger beneath her chin to lift her gaze with concern, the pink haired girl’s bottom lip caught between her teeth as she looks at cheryl almost apologetically.

 

“toni…we don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.” cheryl whispers, raking her fingers through her hair and watching as toni’s eyes widen before she shakes her head.

 

“it’s…i _want_ this, cheryl, it’s just…been awhile for me.” she says sheepishly, sighing against her as cheryl looks at her in surprise.

 

“really?” she asks, and toni smirks with amusement before she kisses the corner of cheryl’s mouth with a chuckle.

 

“jeez, don’t sound so shocked. the last time i had sex with a girl was over two years ago, so yeah…been awhile.” toni says nonchalantly with a shrug, trying to play it off as cheryl finds herself snorting with laughter before she shakes her head.

 

“try six years, then get back to me.” she scoffs. toni laughs loudly against her, sinking down against her as cheryl laughs with her before she’s wrapping toni in her embrace and kissing her temple. the moment is intimate, so much so that cheryl almost momentarily forgets what they’re even doing before toni reminds her by kissing her neck tenderly.

 

“my point is…i’m ready. i just wanna make sure you are, too.” toni whispers, pulling back and staring into cheryl’s eyes, searching for any signs of hesitation, and cheryl thinks it through just for a moment, wonders if she really is ready for this before she finds herself smiling up at toni with nothing but adoration.

 

“i am. for _you…_ i most definitely am.” she whispers back. toni’s smile is astounding, a soft giggle escaping her before she captures cheryl’s lips in her own once more, her fingers moving down her body slowly before curling into the hem of her panties. cheryl shivers involuntarily with anticipation, arching up into her touch as toni trails her kisses down her body before reaching her stomach. she looks up at cheryl with a warm, reassuring smile as she slowly peels her underwear down her legs, kisses pressed to her thighs with each movement down that only has cheryl wanting this more and more, her mind a scrambled mess of lust and want.

 

the second her underwear falls from around her ankle, toni tosses it behind her to join her jeans before she grips cheryl’s ankles and slowly spreads her legs, kneeling between them and staring at cheryl’s naked body before her in awe, drinking in every inch of her pale skin, full breasts, toned stomach, ribs slightly poking out from the skin over it as cheryl arches her back at the feeling of toni’s fingers skating up and down her calves with a breathless gasp…

 

“you, cheryl blossom…are a goddess.” she breathes, looking at her with such worship in her eyes, cheryl starts to actually believe it before toni pushes her legs just a little further apart and settles between them on her stomach. 

 

the blanket is warm beneath her body, and cheryl finds herself surprisingly relaxing into it, head resting comfortably on one of the cushions while toni begins peppering her inner thighs with gentle kisses. it doesn’t make her uncomfortable like archie’s kisses used to, doesn’t make her feel strange or queasy, as much as it hurts to say, like archie used to…

 

instead, all cheryl feels right now is _turned on._

 

toni’s tongue snakes out to trace circles into her skin before her teeth latch onto it and suck softly, and cheryl whimpers as her hands fly up to grip toni’s hair, hips bucking against her chin as toni chuckles and simply sucks harder.

 

“t-toni…” cheryl moans out her name, eyes fluttering closed as her nails dig into her scalp, and toni kisses the now reddened mark before she inhales sharply, eyes almost rolling back at the scent that hits her as she smiles up at cheryl.

 

she gently lifts one of cheryl’s legs and rests it over her shoulder, the back of her heated thigh coming into contact with her shoulder blade as toni curls her arms over it and grips her flailing hand in her own, fingers intertwining…

 

toni takes it slow, only hesitating for the briefest second before a soft tongue drags up cheryl’s center, and the loud moan that escapes cheryl’s lips has toni’s ears ringing and her body almost aching with desire as she pushes cheryl’s hips down when they push upwards in pleasure, her body trembling and quaking against toni’s mouth and causing her to moan her own pleasure at the feeling. 

 

toni savors the taste of cheryl on the roof of her mouth, wetness spilling a little over her chin before she finds herself continuing her movements, desperate to pull that moan out of cheryl once again, which she does, the redhead whimpering at her actions and clenching her first into toni’s hair with a shaky exhale when the hand not intertwined with her own moves down to smooth against her thigh reassuringly. 

 

“you doing okay, cher?” toni breathes against her, causing cheryl’s breath to hitch as her hips buck before she’s nodding desperately and looking down at her with a whine.

 

“k-keep going, please!” she cries out, heel digging into toni’s lower back to get her back to where she wants her, and toni licks her lips before she obeys cheryl’s wishes, can’t even fathom the idea of denying cheryl what she wants in this moment…

 

cheryl’s whole body is stuck in this constant state of tensing and relaxing, each stroke of toni’s tongue causing her shoulders to tighten and her body to tremble before the feeling of her hand rubbing against her thigh has her relaxing into toni’s touch once more until the process is repeated over and over again, each brush of toni’s tongue against her bringing her closer and closer to a place she hasn’t been in _so goddamn long_ , the nails of her free hand itching at the blanket beneath her body as her breathing quickens and her heart begins to pound against her chest, blood rushing to her ears-

 

just when cheryl thinks it can’t get any better, toni’s free hand suddenly moves under her to press two fingers into her slowly, cheryl’s entire body almost twitching as the moan that escapes her is strangled and strained from the effort to stop herself from screaming too loudly. her fingers curl up slightly, pressing into a spot that has cheryl’s eyes flying open with a gasp, brow furrowing and eyes fluttering closed when toni thrusts into her once again with her goddamn tongue still lapping at her eagerly-

 

“don’t-fuck, don’t stop, don’t stop-.”

 

yeah, she’s _never_ felt this before, not even with the girl she slept with in college, this is beyond anything she’s ever felt in her entire fucking life, and cheryl’s barreling headfirst into a climax that’s bound to be earth shattering, bound to make her spine tingle and arch and bound to make her entire head fucking spin.

 

“t-toni-.” 

 

the girl squeezes her hand in reply, and with one last thrust of her fingers and flick of her tongue, cheryl experiences just that.

 

cheryl’s entire body almost lifts off the goddamn floor as her stomach muscles clench and unclench beneath the palm of toni’s free hand, the one interlaced with her fingers squeezing violently as her chest heaves and her body struggles to inhale oxygen. the sounds escaping cheryl are indescribable to toni, music to her fucking ears as she slows her thrusts down and gently removes her mouth from cheryl’s center, pink tongue darting out to wet pink, swollen lips distractedly. she waits until cheryl’s back is settled on the blanket once more, waits until her breathing regulates before she slowly detaches her fingers from inside her and brings them to her lips, winking up at the redhead before cleaning the arousal off them by popping them into her mouth. cheryl groans loudly and suddenly drops the leg still draped over her shoulder before wrapping it around her waist and pulling her in close. toni’s head unceremoniously plops down onto cheryl’s stomach, causing her to laugh as cheryl rakes her fingers through her hair.

 

“don’t do that, you’re turning me on again.” she grumbles, smiling down at toni with nothing but affection as the pink haired girl hums against her skin and presses kisses to her ribs softly, nails scratching at the skin of her sides affectionately. she trails her lips up with open mouthed kisses still making their journey across flushed skin before she rests her chin on cheryl’s collarbone and looks up at her questioningly.

 

“satisfied?” she teases. cheryl grins widely and tucks a lock of hair behind her ear.

 

“beyond.” she whispers back simply, smiling as toni chuckles and moves herself up tiredly to kiss her full, swollen lips. the tips of cheryl’s fingers trail up and down toni’s back soothingly before she’s pushing them into the back pocket of toni’s jeans and hoisting her up further, causing toni to gasp into her mouth before she looks up into her eyes with a smirk.

 

“is that your way of saying it’s my turn?” she purrs, watching as cheryl licks her lips and just barely grazes her own with the tip of her tongue due to how close they are as the hand in her back pocket pulls out and curls into the belt hoops of her jeans. 

 

“i want these off.” cheryl says firmly. toni cocks an eyebrow, but leans down to kiss her neck before she takes the hand behind her back and trails it back around to her front, placing cheryl’s fingers over the button to indicate what she wants.

 

cheryl grins before she surges up to kiss her, her fingers quickly unbuttoning the jeans before she curls an arm around her waist and turns them over until toni’s resting on her back now, a squeal of surprise escaping her at how quickly cheryl manages to get her on her goddamn back-

 

cheryl makes quick work of the zipper before she moves down toni’s body, kissing over her collarbones before staring down at full breasts that almost have her mind short circuiting with pleasure once more.

 

“something tells me you like these being played with…” cheryl murmurs, her hands coming up and resting over her breasts before she squeezes, soft enough not to hurt her, but harsh enough to leave her gasping as toni simply bites back a moan and nods with a breathless pant.

 

“y-yeah…” toni breathes, nodding desperately as cheryl grins widely and simply squeezes a little harder, her thumb and forefinger closing over a nipple and pinching slightly-

 

“fuck, okay, okay…” toni breathes, arching up into her touch desperately and prompting cheryl to look down at her in concern.

 

“shit, did i hurt you-.”

 

“n-no, not at all, just…you’re gonna make me cum way too early if you keep doing that.” toni says shyly, cheeks immediately flushing with embarrassment as cheryl laughs softly and bends down to kiss her lips reassuringly. 

 

seriously? cheryl’s barely even touched her…oh, she’s so using that later…

 

“i guess i’ll file away that information for next time, then.” she teases. toni groans at that, her cheeks turning impossibly redder as cheryl leans down to kiss her cheek with a giggle.

 

“don’t be embarrassed…just means i found your weak spot…” she murmurs against her skin. toni’s fingers trail up and down her spine, causing goosebumps to erupt over her skin at the feeling.

 

“wait, i didn’t find yours!” toni whines, looking at her with a pout that cheryl quickly kisses away with a grin.

 

“mmm, plenty of time for that later…” cheryl whispers. toni cocks an eyebrow and accepts the kiss she presses to her lips with a chuckle.

 

“someone’s feeling confident now, huh?” 

 

“of course…you make me feel like i’m on top of the world, toni.” she says with a soft smile. toni grins at her and pecks her lips quickly before cheryl pulls back to continue what she was doing before, because every ounce of what she said is true.

 

toni makes her feel like she can do the fucking impossible, and there’s not an ounce of fear or nervousness left in her as she kisses down toni’s stomach teasingly. she pulls toni’s jeans down slowly, kissing the inside of her knees as the material bunches up at her ankles, and toni kicks her jeans the rest of the way off with an impatient whine that causes cheryl to giggle before she kisses over her inner thighs just like toni did to her.

 

as soon as cheryl reaches her underwear however, she finds her nerves quickly returning. because this is something she hasn’t done before…this is new territory.

 

“cher?” toni croaks out, looking at her with concern and prompting cheryl to bite down on her bottom lip with hesitation before she sighs.

 

“i’ll…i’ll admit, i’ve never…i’ve never gone down on a girl before, toni.” she whispers truthfully, fingers twisting into the lace fabric of toni’s underwear before the pink haired girl chuckles and sits up slowly, taking cheryl’s face into her and pressing a gentle kiss to her lips tenderly.

 

“you don’t have to, cher. just do what you know and what you feel is right, and i’ll tell you if i like it, okay?” cheryl hesitates before she takes a deep breath in and nods, smiling as she grips toni’s shoulders and slowly lowers her back down onto the bed, returning to what she was doing before. she takes toni’s underwear off, peeling them down her legs diligently and taking a second to admire the sight in front of her. she takes her time, eyes raking in the sight of a naked toni topaz laying before her in all her glory, and she finds herself shaking her head to try and bring herself back to reality as toni chuckles and holds her hand out for her to take, which she does.

 

toni tugs her down a little too quickly, causing cheryl’s hand to fly out to brace her fall with a grunt of surprise before toni lowers the hand in her grip to where she wants.

 

she lets go of her wrist as soon as it’s hovering above her center, giving cheryl the option on when she wants to go ahead.

 

which she does almost immediately, not wanting to wait a second longer.

 

as soon as her fingers run through toni’s dripping folds, she feels toni shudder in her embrace, a whine escaping her that has cheryl leaning in closer to her to begin pattering her neck with soothing kisses, and cheryl taps into her memories of that night she spent with that girl in college, her name all of sudden forgotten in cheryl’s mind because nothing, nothing can compare to _this_ , to what she has with toni…

 

but regardless, she calls back on what she did that night and uses it as motivation to begin slowly massaging her fingers over toni’s soaked bud, a sense of victory flooding her when toni’s nails dig into her back as a soft moan escapes her lips. 

 

“r-right there, _yes_ -.” she breathes, eyes screwed shut with pleasure as cheryl presses her fingers harder against her. toni whines as she wraps her arms around cheryl’s neck to pull her flush against her chest, causing cheryl to smirk against her skin before she manages to push herself up just a little to kiss her feverently. toni responds eagerly, her legs wrapping around cheryl’s hips and her knees digging into cheryl’s sides, squeezing her waist and causing her to grunt against her. she moves her fingers faster, her mind racing as she moves them a little lower before looking at toni expectantly.

 

the girl barely manages to nod, so caught up in her lust and pleasure that cheryl smiles and slowly pushes two fingers into her, watching in anticipation as toni’s entire body trembles against her. her nails dig into the back of cheryl’s neck, these breathless gasps escaping her that have cheryl’s mind spinning with lust as she feels the fire beside them truly beginning to heat them up now, along with the way their bodies are moving, cheryl’s fingers thrusting in deeply to get toni to the same place she was just minutes before…

 

“ch-cher…i’m-.”

 

“i know, toni, let go, it’s okay…” cheryl whispers, and with those simple words, toni’s legs almost squeeze the life out of her as this long, loud moan leaves her trembling lips, her eyes squeezed shut and her brow furrowed with pleasure, and cheryl’s eyes almost roll into the back of her head, a moan escaping her lips involuntarily as well when she feels the way toni's clenching so greedily around her fingers-

 

_oh, fuck, this is everything i’ve ever wanted, it really fucking is…_

 

it’s not just sex, it’s not just pleasure, it’s…fuck, it’s _intimacy_ , it’s a bond that cheryl can’t begin to explain, can’t begin to fathom, can’t begin to understand, but one she finds herself basking in the longer toni climaxes, the longer her stomach muscles clench and unclench and the more her body continues to squirm beneath her as cheryl’s fingers still inside her to give her time to come down from her high. 

 

cheryl finds herself collapsing against toni with fatigue, both their bodies covered in a slick sheen of sweat as toni simply holds her close to her chest while she tries to get her breath back. cheryl kisses her neck, savors the salty taste that hits her taste buds as a beat of sweat hits her tongue, and she slowly detaches her fingers from inside the girl beneath her, prompting toni to whine at the loss of contact before she huffs.

 

“well…that was worth the two year wait, huh?” toni manages to get out. cheryl snorts with laughter, and before long, they’re both laughing against each other, toni’s whole body shaking with the effort as she reaches for the blanket beside them and pulls it over their bodies to keep them warm. 

 

they lay there for a long time by the fire, chests pressed together, toni holding cheryl to her body and trailing her fingers up and down her sweat soaked back while cheryl simply plays with the tips of her hair and rests her head in the crook of toni’s neck, gentle kisses pressed to her skin every once in a while as she basks in the warmth spreading from the tips of her toes all the way up to the top of her head, and not just from the fire raging beside them. 

 

no words need to be spoken for now, because right now, all they want to do is drink in each other’s company, come to terms with what they’ve just done, with what’s just happened, and as it slowly starts to sink in, the both of them develop these doped out grins on their faces as their eyes begin to flutter closed with fatigue. 

 

“cher?” toni eventually croaks out, voice cracking from lack of use and prompting cheryl to hum in response before toni kisses her hairline with a smile.

 

“that was really amazing.” she whispers. cheryl smiles lazily, nods against her slowly before she looks up at her and kisses her jaw tenderly.

 

“it was…like you said, worth the wait.” she teases. toni chuckles and kisses the skin between her eyes as cheryl closes her eyes at her touch. she sinks back down against toni’s chest, but it isn’t long before she eventually begins to feel a little overheated and somehow manages to push herself up off toni with a groan, turning onto her side and dropping her head onto the cushion beside her. toni wraps an arm around her waist, her chest pressed against cheryl’s back and causing her to hum in content as she stares at the fire, eyes slightly unfocused and dazed.

 

there’s a perfectly good bed not a few feet away from them and yet, cheryl finds herself not wanting to move an inch from this spot, her mind still floating in a place of complete and utter heaven. 

 

that…god, _that_ was everything she’s been waiting for, everything she’s been craving, everything she’s ever wanted, and the fact that she has it, that she’s finally experienced it…

 

she finds herself blinking back tears, not wanting toni to worry, but the pink haired girl presses a kiss to her bare shoulder and holds her closer, almost like she can tell as she suddenly inhales sharply and reaches for one of her hands to give it a squeeze.

 

and cheryl is all of a sudden hit with this overwhelming feeling.

 

this overwhelming feeling that she has to tell her. she has to tell toni how she feels, because they’ve just taken the next step in their relationship, the ultimate fucking step, have exposed themselves to each other in more goddamn ways than one, and right now…

 

right now, cheryl wants to tell her.

 

“toni?” she breathes out, her heart racing even more than it was before as toni nuzzles her head against the cushion beneath her, this tired sigh escaping her as she continues kissing up and down cheryl’s shoulders affectionately.

 

“yeah?” she responds, kissing the spot beneath her ear as cheryl licks her lips and tries to pluck up the courage to just say it.

 

god, she’s so glad she’s not facing toni right now, she’s positive if she was, she wouldn’t be able to say it-

 

“toni, i…” the words get stuck in her throat, tears pricking at her eyes as toni holds her closer, and the second her lips make contact with cheryl’s neck, she finds the words escaping her before she can stop them. 

 

“toni, i love you.” 

 

the arm around her waist tightens, a sharp inhale of breath sounding behind her before she feels toni shift against her. cheryl’s bottom lip is trembling, her tears falling before she can stop them as toni suddenly grips her chin between her fingers.

 

“cher…look at me, please?” she slowly tilts her head to the side, not really giving her a chance to do so herself, and when cheryl looks into her eyes…

 

toni’s blinking back tears, her own bottom lip quivering as she cups cheryl’s cheek and brushes her thumb over it before she suddenly leans down to kiss the corner of her mouth, just a gentle press of her lips-

 

“i love you, too.” she whispers against them. 

 

cheryl’s heart bursts, almost pounding against her chest achingly as she whimpers and looks up at toni in almost disbelief, but there’s not a single trace of a lie written in her eyes as she looks down at her with such tenderness, cheryl finds herself throwing her arms around her neck and pulling her down to her lips once more, kissing her something fierce in an attempt to make her _feel_ every ounce of the love she’s feeling right now for her.

 

because she does. she loves her…god, does she _love_ toni topaz…

 

toni pulls away from her with a breathless gasp, rests her forehead against cheryl’s and simply breathes her in for a moment before she licks her lips and looks at her almost nervously.

 

“i…i’ve never been in love before. but i know that’s what this is, cheryl, i know it.” she whispers. cheryl smiles and brushes the pad of her thumb across toni’s lower lip, eyes roaming the face she’s fallen in love with in an effort to etch every single feature into her mind, burn it into her brain so it’s there forever as she nods along in agreement.

 

“neither have i…but i know it, too. and i do, i _love_ you, toni, you’ve…changed my entire world. and i’ll never stop loving you for it.” 

 

toni stares at her with wide eyes for a moment, her teeth catching her bottom lip to hide a wide smile before she leans down to kiss her once more, this kiss so much tender than anything they’ve ever shared before, a kiss that has cheryl’s lips trailing up to kiss her brow just as intimately, and toni sinks back down beside her, smiles as cheryl turns over to face her before she’s tucking her head under toni’s chin and wrapping her arms around her back to hold her close.

 

no more words are spoken as toni’s fingers brush through her hair, and god only knows how many minutes pass before the feeling of skin to skin contact becomes too much for them and they're kissing each other fiercely one more, desperate to take each other to the brink over and over and over again (which of course, results in toni finding cheryl's weak spot, the juncture between her neck and shoulder, go figure), and it isn't until well into the evening that the both of them collapse against each other once more, covered in sweat, but thoroughly satisfied as they hold each other close, the both of them lulling into this dreamless sleep filled with nothing but happiness and wonder.

 

wonder for what lies ahead.

 

but whatever stands before them, both cheryl and toni know they’ll make it.

 

because they have each other. because they _love_ each other.

 

and isn’t that, truthfully…all that they need?


	17. it's about power

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhh, smut in the beginning, but also i'm running away from now kay thanks you can follow me on twitter at @endofdaysforme please leave a comment letting me know what you think byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

on the morning of january first, archie andrews is awoken by the sound of his phone blaring loudly, each ring pounding through the room around him and causing his head to ache as he groans and blindly reaches for the little rectangle siren on his bedside table with frustration.

 

he has no idea who would be calling this early in the morning, especially on the first day of the new goddamn year, don't they know people have parties and really, really wicked hangovers-

 

“hello?” he manages to get out groggily, rubbing at his eyes with exhaustion before the sound of the voice on the other end of the line suddenly has him at alert, all thoughts of hangovers and parties erased from his mind.

 

“archibald…it’s clifford. clifford blossom.” 

 

archie’s entire body seems to tense up, his shoulders almost up to his ears as he swallows the lump in his throat and tries to process what he’s just heard.

 

his ex-father in law is calling him.

 

why the _fuck_ is clifford blossom calling him? 

 

it can’t be anything good, that’s for fucking sure, anything involving clifford blossom can't be good...

 

god, he only got in a few hours ago from a new year’s eve party at cheryl and toni’s place, he’s hungover and exhausted, this is hardly _fair-_

 

“what do you want, mr. blossom?” archie says bluntly, scratching at his brow absentmindedly with a sigh before the voice on the other end of the line does the same.

 

“listen, archibald…after much discussion and deliberation amongst myself and penelope, we’ve decided we’re willing to… _forgive_ this little snafu in the road to yours and cheryl’s marriage. we understand there’s been some miscommunication between the two of you and between her and us as well, and we’re willing to hear you both out, pending, of course, that the wedding plans go forth and we have you two betrothed by the end of the month.” 

 

there’s silence for quite a few moments while archie tries to process what he’s just heard, his body frozen still and his mind racing wildly.

 

he’s…he’s not serious, is he? no, no, he _can’t possibly_ be _serious-_

 

this is like, a joke or a prank or something, there's no fucking way this is real...

 

“are…are you fucking kidding me?” archie growls, unable to contain his anger, his thoughts filling up with the image of cheryl and toni just seven hours ago sharing a kiss on the balcony of their place as the clock stroke midnight and the ball dropped in time’s square, the _happiness_ he had felt seeing the smile on cheryl’s face, one he hasn’t seen since they were teenagers, _god-_

 

how would she feel? fuck, how would cheryl feel, knowing her father was calling archie and asking him this?

 

and why the _fuck_ is clifford acting like cheryl hadn't come out to him? acting like this is all just one big joke?

 

“be reasonable now, my son…you could have a brilliant future with us by your side, regardless of whatever… _predilections_ cheryl has deluded herself into. with her by your side, you could be _brilliant_ , archie. ceo and head of the company by the age of twenty six! a fortune even bill gates would be jealous of in your hands…can you imagine it?” clifford says simply, a soft chuckle escaping him, as if he can almost imagine archie up on a pedestal, high and mighty with the world in his hands…

 

the thought only causes bile to rise in the back of archie’s throat. 

 

“and to get that future, you want me to marry cheryl? to make her life miserable, to _hurt_ her like that?” he growls through bared teeth, the very thought making him nothing but enraged.

 

he refuses to even entertain the possibility of hurting cheryl like that.

 

clifford is silent for a few moments before-

 

“cheryl will _obey_ , archie. like she’s been taught her whole life to do. don’t you worry about it, penelope and i will handle her. you think of _your_ future with the blossom family in your corner.” he deadpans stiffly, as if cheryl is nothing but an ant under his boot that needs to be crushed, forced into submission...

 

archie’s blood _boils._

 

“you listen to me, and you listen to me good! cheryl and i _are not_ getting married, under _any_ circumstances whatsoever and there is _nothing_ you can do to change that! i’m happy, and more than that, _cheryl_ is happy now! so stop trying to destroy her happiness and just accept her for who she is!” archie hisses, trying his best not to wake the stirring figure beside him that groans and shifts underneath the covers at the sound of his raised voice. 

 

“think carefully about what you’re doing here, son-.” clifford says firmly, but archie cuts him off, unable to stand hearing another word from his viper mouth.

 

“unless the next words out of your mouth are going to be ‘i promise to leave cheryl alone’, i don’t want to hear it! i won’t ruin cheryl’s life, not even if you offered me all the fucking money in the world! if you can’t love her for her, then she’s better off without you in her life! she deserves people who love her and who support her in her life, and luckily, she has that now! so if you can't be that, then stay away from her!" archie says simply, wincing when another groan sounds out before a hand is flying out to grip his forearm.

 

there’s silence on the other end of the line for a long time as archie tries to control his breathing before finally:

 

“very well. i can see calling you was a mistake, archibald.”

 

“yes, it was! now leave me and cheryl the _fuck_ alone!” and with that, archie hangs up the phone, staring down at it with nothing but rage as the hand at his forearm moves up to grip his bicep.

 

how _dare_ he? how dare that man try and call him, force him into marrying a woman who doesn't love him in that way, and who he himself doesn't love in that way anymore? of course, he'll _always_ love cheryl, she's his best friend, but even the _thought_ of them getting married anymore, knowing the way cheryl feels...it makes archie feel sick. and yet clifford _wants_ that? regardless of how cheryl feels?

 

how despicable can a man be?

 

“archie? who was that?” a soft, delicate voice rings out, dark brown eyes blinking open and making archie’s heart skip a beat as he smiles down at none other than josie mccoy.

 

and just like that, he finds himself calming down, finds his heart beginning to settle as he lets out a soft sigh and simply stares at the beauty before him.

 

“no one important enough to pull me away from you…” he murmurs, grinning down at the girl beside him as she blinks back fatigue and sleep and giggles before she throws her arms around his neck to pull him down for a gentle, soft kiss…

 

“we probably need to tell cheryl about this.” josie whispers against him, a look of worry in her eyes as she pulls back and looks at him, and archie simply runs his hand up her side with a chuckle as he shakes his head, worry for his former fiancee pounding through him as her words from last night echo in his mind.

 

_"go for it, archie...you two would be happy together, i know it!"_

 

“don’t worry…cheryl told me to ‘go for it’ last night, so i think it’s safe to say she’s okay with… _this_ happening.” he says, his smile faltering when josie inhales sharply and purses her lips despite his words.

 

“still…it feels so weird, archie…i feel like i gotta talk to her about it first before i agree to an actual date, you know? even though…we just had sex, i…oh god, what if she gets mad at me, she’s gonna hate me-.” she whines, getting more and more frantic with each word before archie places a finger on her lips and quickly kisses them to silence her, heart still racing from the first kiss they shared.

 

“shh…do what you feel is right, josie. but i can promise you that she won’t be mad about it.” archie reassures her. josie bites down on her bottom lip, that hesitation still in her eyes before she suddenly grins widely, unable to contain it at all. 

 

“last night was amazing…” she whispers shyly, prompting archie to grin as well, his heart pounding in his chest wildly at the memories from the night before...

 

“it was…i don’t mean this in a mean way at all, but sex with cheryl was rare, and she was never into it, so…last night is definitely the best i’ve had in like, eight years-.” he’s interrupted by a slap to his bare chest and a gasp.

 

“archie andrews! i am _so_ telling her you said that!” 

 

and with that, archie andrews laughs and kisses josie mccoy silly with a laugh, all thoughts of clifford blossom and the phone call he just had with him erased from his mind at the feeling of josie’s soft skin at his fingertips.

 

this year is a fresh start for him.

 

and so far, it’s looking to be one hell of a pretty good year.

 

\-----------------

 

waking up on the first day of the new year with cheryl blossom in her arms leaves toni topaz feeling a certain type of way she’s never felt before.

 

happy? too small of a word to describe it. euphoric? perhaps a little bit closer, but still not quite enough…

 

the truth is, there isn’t a goddamn word in the dictionary to describe the way she feels right now, pressing her pink lips to the pale skin of cheryl blossom’s delicate shoulder, her palm laid flat across an equally alabaster stomach before she feels cheryl’s back squirm against her chest, a soft groan escaping the redhead as she rises from her sleep. 

 

“mmm…morning.” cheryl murmurs, voice thick with sleep as toni smiles and nuzzles her nose into the back of cheryl’s hair to inhale the scent of shampoo and sweat. 

 

“morning, baby…” toni rasps out, pushing herself closer to cheryl’s naked body, wanting to be as close to her as _possible-_

 

“first day of the new year…whatever shall we spend the day doing?” cheryl says with a grin, slowly turning over to face the pink haired girl as she pulls the blankets over their bodies more and tucks a lock of hair behind cheryl’s ear, propping herself up on one elbow with a raised eyebrow and a smirk.

 

“well…if you wanna ring in the first morning of the new year on a good note…” toni murmurs, chuckling as she leans in and captures cheryl’s lips with her own, an arm hooking under hers and resting on her back before cheryl hums against her happily and deepens the kiss desperately.

 

it isn’t long before cheryl’s gripping toni’s shoulders and pushing her onto her back roughly, leaning over her to kiss her full, swollen lips as toni’s hands almost automatically grip her hips as soon as cheryl’s legs settle on either side of her body, her backside resting on toni’s thighs, effectively straddling the therapist and keeping her all but pinned to the bed beneath them.

 

the feeling of cheryl’s body against her own has arousal pounding through toni almost immediately, her entire body heating up on command despite the cold air around them as cheryl’s lips take her, lighting her on fire with every gasp, every pull back, every tug between her perfect white teeth-

 

the hands at her hips slide up on their own accord, moving over the front of cheryl’s body, gripping the tender flesh of her breasts in her hands, squeezing gently but firmly as cheryl gasps against her lips and rests the palm of her hands on toni’s collarbones, pushing herself up with her head thrown back in ecstasy as toni looks up at her in complete and utter awe.

 

_god, she’s unreal…completely beyond anything i’ve ever seen-_

 

another soft gasp escapes cheryl’s pink, swollen lips, and toni finds herself pushing herself up as cheryl’s hands grip her shoulders, her hands moving around cheryl’s back to scratch down the skin roughly as her lips close around her pulse point to suck the skin between her teeth-

 

“t-toni-.”

 

“fuck, i am so in love with you…” toni breathes against her skin, latching onto the milky flesh once more as her nails dig into her hips to pull her closer, because toni doesn’t just want to touch her, doesn’t just want her close, she wants to be fucking _consumed_ by every inch of cheryl blossom-

 

a phone ringing splits through the room, causing cheryl to groan loudly in despair, but toni pays no attention to it, her lips trailing further down until she’s taking a pale, pink nipple into her mouth- 

 

“t-toni, my pho-mmm…” long fingers tangle into her pink hair, tugging in satisfaction as cheryl’s cheek comes to rest against her temple with a breathless gasp, eyes fluttering closed at the sensations slamming into her body. toni finds herself smiling against the skin against her mouth before she swirls her tongue and pulls cheryl closer to her body to take more of her into her mouth, desperate to get her thoughts away from her ringing phone. 

 

it seems to work, because cheryl’s nails dig into her shoulders before she’s rocking her hips against toni’s stomach with a high pitched whine, desperate for some form of friction where she needs it, and at her desperation, toni trails a hand from around her back, one arm curling around her waist to keep her steady while the other moves down to where cheryl needs her-

 

the second the pads of two of toni’s fingers come into contact with her soaked bud, cheryl lets out a long, drawn out moan that drowns out the sound of her phone ringing as she digs her nails into toni’s scalp and throws her head back, leaving toni the opportunity to kiss, suck, lick and bite at every inch of her neck she can reach, covering it in black and blue marks as her slim fingers quickly begin to rub her towards completion before two quickly slide into her, curling up into the spot toni knows will drive cheryl _crazy._

 

and as expected-

 

“ _god, yes, keep going-_ ” cheryl manages to gasp out, rocking her hips even faster against toni’s fingers and causing the pink haired girl to smile against her skin once more as the arm around her waist helps her movements along, knees bending up to keep cheryl from falling backwards and keeping her trapped in position. one of cheryl’s hands flies out to grip the headboard behind toni, fingers curling into the top of it until her knuckles turn white as she pants heavily before she picks up the pace, riding her with wild abandon while she bounces almost hypnotically in toni’s lap.

 

yeah…toni loves her, she’s fucking _positive_ of it now, there’s absolutely no way she will ever, _ever_ get over this, this is…fuck, this is worth _everything_ they’ve been through-

 

minutes later, with a squeeze of her thighs and an almost animalistic cry of pleasure, cheryl grips toni’s face into her hands and kisses her desperately, knees squeezing at her waist as her hips thrash wildly, and as soon as she’s done riding out her first, toni, so obsessed, so _infatuated_ by everything cheryl blossom right now, doesn’t give her a chance to catch her breath, wraps an arm around her waist to keep her still before-

 

“ _toni!_ ”

 

“one more, baby, you can do it…” nails dig into her scalp, soft whines and the word ‘please’ repeated over and over again in her ear, but still, toni works through the pain in her forearm and fingers, works through her trembling legs and her shaking body as she quickens her pace and trails her tongue up the long expanse from between cheryl’s breasts up to her neck, savoring the slight taste of salt that hits her and relishing in the high pitched whine that escapes the girl on top of her until once again, the oxygen is squeezed right out of her lungs by those long, toned legs of cheryl blossom. the girl twitches in her arms, her own thrown around toni’s shoulders as the screams that escape her leave toni floating in an entirely new headspace she’s never felt before, a supernova of different galaxies and universes that all seem to contain… _this._

 

the heat coming off cheryl, the way she’s breathing so heavily in her ear, the way her long red hair sticks to her neck from the efforts of their coupling, the way she whines and pulls away before resting her forehead against toni’s as her rocking hips come to a still while she comes down from her high with a quiver and a shaky exhale-

 

“okay, okay, okay…” she breathes, shaking her head and wincing at the overstimulation, prompting toni to freeze as she pulls back to look up at the girl with a lazy smile, still taking in the _utter beauty_ before her and wondering just _how_ she got so lucky…

 

“am…i ever…gonna get used…to actually enjoying sex now?” cheryl breathes, chuckling as she tries to catch her breath while toni presses pattering kisses all over her soft face before dropping one to the corner of her mouth with a hum.

 

“i think you’ll get used to that, but, getting used to having sex with _me?_ oh, i’ll make sure you never do, cher…” she murmurs in promise against her lips, because there is no chance, no possibility of toni every allowing or fathoming the idea of cheryl getting _bored_ with her.

 

toni topaz is not a boring person.

 

“mmm, i’ll take your word for it…now, let me go so i can see who called during our little rendezvous.” cheryl teases, laughing when toni growls playfully and nips at her jaw with her teeth before slowly pulling out of the girl above her, a whine escaping the redhead at the loss. she sighs and sinks into toni’s lap, takes a moment to simply savor this moment right here, where her body is fatigued and her heart is still racing, this moment right here when toni wraps her arms around her waist and holds her close with her lips pressing kisses to her neck and collarbones…savors it for what it _is._

 

cheryl blossom with another woman. cheryl blossom in the throes of ecstasy, riding out the most brilliant and highest of highs with someone she _loves_ holding her close in her arms… 

 

and more than that…god, more than that, cheryl blossom in the arms of _toni topaz_ , this goddamn meteorite that came tearing through the incredibly dark skies that occupied her life, burning bright and blinding, but oh so radiant, oh so _beautiful…_

 

“i love you, toni.” cheryl whispers, unprompted, unintentionally, but truthfully nonetheless, and she feels toni’s fingers squeeze the skin of her waist before a kiss is place right over her heart tenderly.

 

“i love you too, cheryl.” she breathes back. cheryl smiles, eyes fluttering closed before she simply presses her lips to toni’s temple and finally begins to reluctantly move as she reaches for her phone on the bedside table, pulling it out of the charger and frowning when she sees the missed call is from josie. 

 

she quickly calls her back, digging her nails into toni’s shoulders and clambering off her lap as she does, a squeal escaping her when toni taps her backside harshly with the palm of her hand, prompting cheryl to slap at her arm in reprimand just as josie answers the phone with toni’s laughter echoing around her. 

 

“hey, cheryl!”

 

“hey, josie, sorry i missed your call, i was, uh…eating breakfast!” cheryl says hastily, grinning at toni, who rolls her eyes and throws the covers back as she swings her legs over the side of the bed and stretches out with a yawn, giving cheryl a full view of her toned back, the way the muscles beneath her skin twist as her arms rise, the sound of her joints popping softly, the shape of her waist and how it dips out to her hips-

 

“cheryl? you there?”

 

“sorry, josie, what did you say?” cheryl breathes, shaking her head to pull herself out of her daze as toni looks over her shoulder at her with a smirk and a raised eyebrow.

 

“i said, there’s something i need to talk to you about…are you available today?” josie asks anxiously, the tone of her voice causing her worry for half a moment before she remembers the events of last night.

 

archie and josie leaving their apartment together…

 

cheryl finds herself grinning.

 

“hmmm, is it about you and archie sleeping together last night?” she says simply, her grin widening when she hears josie gasp on the other end of the phone.

 

“i…how did you...oh god…oh god, cheryl, i’m _so_ sorry-.” josie pleads almost immediately, and cheryl finds herself laughing before she can stop herself. 

 

“for what?! josie, archie and i have been broken up for _months_ now, and the reason we broke up is because _i’m gay._ all i want is for him to be happy, for the _both_ of you to be happy. you have nothing to apologize for, and if there’s anyone who deserves the kind of love archie andrews can give, it’s _you._ ” cheryl reassures, smiling softly as toni giggles and pushes herself up off the bed, still as naked as the day she was born while she grabs her phone and scrolls through her own notifications. 

 

“but…cheryl, are you _sure_ you’re okay with it? i d-don’t want you to think i was eyeing your man while you were with him because i _wasn’t_ , not at all-.” 

 

“josie, you’re the most loyal friend i know, okay? i _love_ you, and i love archie, too! and i know the kind of person you are, and the kind of person archie is, and honestly, josie…you both deserve each other because you’re both _so amazing._ so when i say go for it, i mean… _go for it._ ” 

 

cheryl can’t help but chuckle as josie lets out a shaky sigh, and she smiles as toni mouths the word ‘shower’ before she’s making her way around the bed to cheryl’s side, pressing a kiss to her red hair and making her way out of the room towards the bathroom. 

 

“i…okay, as long as you’re _sure_ , cheryl-.”

 

“i’m absolutely positive. so…is he still at your place?” cheryl teases, flopping back down onto the bed as josie honest to god _giggles_ , and she’s about to say something when a distant voice sounds out.

 

“hey, is that cheryl?” archie’s voice rings out, and cheryl grins widely, unable to stop herself, happiness for her two best friends gripping her so tightly-

 

“i guess that answers _that_ question!” 

 

“oh, shush you! uh, yeah it is, archie, did you wanna talk to her?” josie asks, and cheryl hears shuffling on the other end of the line before archie’s voice sounds in her ear suddenly.

 

“hey, cheryl.”

 

“hey…how was last night?” cheryl says with a grin, prompting a loud groan from archie.

 

“we’re _so not_ getting into that for multiple reasons, but…there is something i wanna talk to you about.” archie says sternly. cheryl finds her smile quickly disappearing as she frowns with concern, and before she has time to worry, archie lets out a loud sigh before he finally talks again.

 

“cheryl, your father called me this morning and pretty much told me he was willing to…‘overlook’ everything that’s happened if we get back together and go through with the wedding by the end of the month.” 

 

cheryl’s heart stops. she tries to understand what archie's just said, because the idea of her father calling after _so long_ of radio silence just seems impossible. but why would archie lie?

 

oh god…oh god, her father called _archie?_ why…why was he still trying to make them get married, what is the reason, why…fuck, why can’t he just be _happy_ for her-

 

why was he calling archie, of all goddamn people? why wasn’t he fucking calling _her_ , talking to her about all of this?

 

“what did you tell him?” she asks hollowly, slowly pushing herself up into a seated position as archie scoffs loudly.

 

“what do you think? i told him to stick it where the sun didn’t shine! he kept trying to entice me, kept telling me that he could give me a great life or whatever with the company if i did it, and i told him we were both happy now and that he should leave us the fuck alone.” archie says gruffly, pulling a small smile out of cheryl before she runs her fingers through her hair with a sigh of worry.

 

her father is powerful, cheryl's known that since she was five goddamn years old...the way he had made her doctors quiver in fear at the idea of putting her on medication for her ocd...

 

“arch…you know it’s not a smart idea to piss off a man like clifford blossom…” cheryl murmurs, worry for her former fiancé pounding through her, but archie laughs almost in disbelief through the phone.

 

“cheryl, i don’t _care._ he has no right to do that, none at all! it’s not only your life he’s trying to dictate, but mine too! i wasn’t about to let him do that!” he says firmly. cheryl bites down on her bottom lip before licking the chapped skin to bring moisture to them.

 

archie’s right…it’s not just her life clifford is trying to control with all of this, it’s archie’s, too…god, she doesn’t understand any of it, what would them getting married do anymore? how does it benefit clifford in any way? why did he want archie at the head of the company in new york so badly? 

 

_one problem at a time, cheryl…_

 

“i’m so sorry, archie…” cheryl whispers, tears already gathering in her eyes as archie suddenly sighs loudly.

 

“hey, it’s not your fault, not one bit. i’m just sorry your dad is such…a dick.” he says softly, his words making cheryl smile before she wipes away any evidence of tears and looks towards the door to toni’s bedroom, where she can just hear the faint echo of water spraying in the bathroom down the hall…

 

“thank you for telling me. don’t let it weigh on your mind, okay? go have fun with josie for the day, i’ll talk to you later. and archie…happy new year.” cheryl says with a smile, already pushing herself up out of the bed as archie chuckles on the other end of the line.

 

“happy new year, cheryl.” he says simply, and with that, cheryl ends the call before she makes her way towards the door, down the hallway and into the bathroom.

 

she’s met with immediate fog surrounding her, the hot water pounding through the showerhead causing nothing but thick, hot, humid air as cheryl makes her way towards the small square spaced shower almost blindly.

 

“toni?” she calls out, a grin lifting her lips when she hears toni’s soft chuckle before a hand grabs her own and tugs her forward slightly, pulling a squeal of surprise from her.

 

“figured you’d be joining me once your call ended. careful with the step, baby…” toni murmurs, tapping cheryl’s thigh to get her to step over the small space that’s raised between the shower and the rest of the bathroom. the hot water against her skin causes a moan of relief to escape her at the feeling. she didn’t even realize how cold it was outside, but now she’s registering it, especially with how her limbs are trembling as the hot water rushes over her skin, red welt marks already making their appearance-

 

“shit, let me turn it down-.” toni starts, clearly noticing the way cheryl’s skin is flushing, but the red haired girl grabs her hand to stop her with a shake of her head.

 

“it’s okay, it goes down as soon as i’m out of the shower. doesn’t hurt.” she mumbles, smiling as she finally gets her first proper look at the girl she loves through the fog around them.

 

toni’s hair is wet, the color cascading down the drain and dyeing the water pink, but the happiness on her face is clear as day as she wraps her arms around cheryl's waist, pressing a chaste kiss to her jaw as she does.

 

"everything okay?" toni asks immediately with concern, almost like she can feel the worry coming off cheryl.

 

and cheryl wants to tell her about archie's call with her father and how much it worries her...she does.

 

but toni's fingertips brush up and down her spine, and all cheryl can think about is how much she loves her, and how much she doesn't want to worry her.

 

so instead, she smiles and nods once, kisses toni's lips slowly before the girl chuckles against her and reaches down for something, popping back up a moment later with a bottle of shampoo in her hands, a raised eyebrow and a smirk.

 

“in that case...can i do the honors?” toni asks almost giddily, prompting cheryl to roll her eyes.

 

cheryl’s quickly come to learn over the weeks spent with toni topaz as her girlfriend that the woman enjoys _everything_ about cheryl’s long, red hair. whether she’s running her fingers through it or burying her nose into the back of it to inhale the scent, toni was obsessed with cheryl’s hair, to the point where she had almost cried the other week when cheryl had brought up the possibility of getting it cut.

 

“nooo, don’t do that, cher, it’s so beautiful, don’t cut it!”

 

so of course now, cheryl plans to grow her hair out until the day she dies, as long as it keeps that smile on toni topaz’s face, but regardless, she takes the bottle of shampoo from toni’s hands and raises an eyebrow before she shakes her head with a grin, all thoughts of her father and archie erased from her mind.

 

“mmm, later. right now all i want to do is pay you back for this morning.” she hums, leaning in to kiss the corner of toni’s mouth tenderly as the girl chuckles against her, trailing her fingers up and down cheryl’s spine as she does.

 

“oh, that’s the game we’re playing?”

 

“sure is. back against the wall, toni, and don’t even think about moving it.”

 

\------

 

the weeks go by. everything picks back up.

 

construction on the vacation home in riverdale is started once again, and cheryl and toni continue to drive down to see fred and archie to check on the progress. the place is coming along _beautifully_ , the almost mini-mansion like home clearly the exact image toni had in her eyes, because she seems to light up like a goddamn christmas tree every single time she sees it, these tears in her eyes that leave cheryl staring at her in awe every time.

 

cheryl finds herself giddy with excitement as the end result draws nearer and nearer. she still isn't exactly sure when they'll get the time to come down here and use it, but regardless, she thinks the place looks beautiful.

 

toni also spends those weekends at the rec center, having free therapy sessions with some of the kids on the southside, and cheryl spends that time roaming the place with jughead, who tells her a bunch of stories about growing up with toni in the trailer park and how they came to build this place together...stories that just leave cheryl falling more and more in love with toni the more she hears them.

 

but regardless, cheryl and toni return to work, and things seem to be settling down now that the holidays are over, both girls moving back into their routine.

 

and things finally seem to be working in cheryl’s favor. for once in her life, she's _happy_ with the way her life is going.

 

she should’ve known it would never last. 

 

if cheryl had known when she woke up this morning that her entire life would fall apart by the evening, she never would’ve woken up. she would’ve stayed curled up in toni’s arms with her head resting on the pink haired girl’s chest, would’ve stayed where she was safe, where she was happy, where she was _loved._

 

but she didn’t. instead, she had shared a sweet kiss with toni before she had padded to the kitchen and made a quick breakfast before exiting the apartment to get to work earlier in order to make a meeting. 

 

if cheryl had known she would only have two hours with toni after coming home from work before she was ripped away from her, cheryl would’ve taken the day off work and forced toni to do the same so they could pack their bags and get the hell out of new york altogether. 

 

but she didn’t.

 

instead, everything just…falls apart. all too quickly and all too suddenly and...all at once.

 

toni trails her fingers up and down cheryl’s back as they lay on the couch together, the both of them full of the pizza toni had ordered, but content in each other’s arms as cheryl lazily watches the tv without really taking in anything that’s happening on it. she’s focusing instead on the way toni’s fingers feel in her hair and on her body, focusing on each breath in toni takes with a smile.

 

it's moments like these where cheryl really begins to realize just how _lucky_ she is, having toni topaz in her life. granted, the way they came together was all too strange and all too sudden, but cheryl finds herself thinking that she wouldn't really have it any other way.

 

the idea of her and toni meeting in some kind of other situation doesn't seem possible. and yes, they probably wouldn't have faced as many hardships as they have if toni being her therapist hadn't been a situation they once were in but again...opening up to toni in that way, it just made all of this possible.

 

she finds herself squeezing toni's waist, a kiss pressed to her collarbone lightly and tenderly, and she's not even sure why she's feeling so particularly affectionate today, it may have something to do with her session with veronica the other day...

 

cheryl finds herself smiling at the thought of the raven haired girl. veronica had told her not to mention toni's name in any of her sessions, so they'd reverted to calling her 't.t' in order to keep toni's name private, something that always makes cheryl laugh every time, but it's working. it gives her the chance to talk about toni and also gives veronica peace of mind, helps keep her focused on cheryl and not on the fact that she's dating a co-worker of hers-

 

toni suddenly chuckles beneath her at something on the tv, the movement causing both their bodies to jostle as she scratches lightly at cheryl’s scalp, causing the girl’s eyes to flutter closed as she nuzzles closer to toni with a happy sigh. 

 

“you okay?” toni murmurs, lips pressing a kiss to the top of cheryl’s head as the red head hums with a simple nod.

 

“never better.” cheryl croaks out, reaching one hand down to take toni’s, interlacing their fingers and smiling as toni rubs her back and lifts their joined hands to tuck under her chin, lifting her gaze slowly.

 

“mmm…love you.” cheryl smiles, unable to stop herself as she leans up closer to press a quick peck to toni’s lips, about to reciprocate those words when there’s the sound of loud knocking on the door.

 

toni frowns, but sighs before she kisses cheryl’s brow as the redhead pushes herself up and off toni’s body with a pout. toni adjusts her cardigan before she makes her way to the front door, disappearing down the hallway, and cheryl grabs the remote off the coffee table with a yawn, wondering if she should retire early for the night, she's honestly so exhausted-

 

“antoinette topaz? we need you to come with us down to the station, please.” 

 

cheryl’s head snaps so quickly, her neck burns from the whiplash, and she’s pushing herself up off the couch and peeking around the corner of the hallway to see toni standing at the door with two police officers on the other side, watching her with stern looks.

 

cheryl's heart immediately enters a decline at the sight before her, this strange, tingling feeling starting at her toes and moving all the way up to the top of her fucking head.

 

“regarding what?” toni asks in confusion, eyes wide as cheryl slowly pads down the hallway with nothing but fear pounding through her. 

 

why are the police showing up at their door? they haven’t done anything, is it possibly one of toni’s patients? what's happened, what's going on-

 

“miss topaz, we’d rather not make a big scene out of this-.”

 

“a big scene out of what? i’ve done nothing wrong.” toni says simply, her brow furrowing more and more as cheryl reaches out to take toni’s hand into her own, fear gripping her so tightly, making her chest ache horribly-

 

“miss topaz, there’s been reports of misconduct at your workplace by a client of yours, we’re taking you in for questioning. again, we’d rather not make a scene out of this, but if you don’t comply, we’ll be forced to take action.” one of the officers says somewhat calmly, but cheryl can see him reaching for the cuffs at his belt, and the tears that build in her eyes have her whimpering before she can stop herself.

 

misconduct? but…no, there’s no way, this is _toni_ , she’s never done anything wrong, what the fuck is going on?! 

 

the only thing cheryl can think of is…is _their_ relationship, but it can’t be about this, it just _can’t_ , who would report toni about it? archie wouldn’t…god, would he? what if it's veronica, or josie, oh god, oh god-

 

_oh my god…oh my god, they’re arresting toni because of **me** -_

 

“t-toni…” cheryl whimpers, bottom lip trembling as toni looks at her with wide eyes that immediately soften at the look on cheryl’s face, even though her eyes are filled with nothing but fear.

 

“hey…everything’s gonna be okay, alright? i’m just gonna go down to the station with them and sort this out, it’s gonna be fine. stay here, i’ll be back before you know it.” toni murmurs, squeezing cheryl’s fingers encouragingly, but as soon as she tries to move, cheryl grips her hand tighter, refusing to let her go because she’s, fuck…she’s _scared._

 

what if they take toni from her?

 

“toni, d-don’t go-.”

 

“cheryl, just stay here, baby-.”

 

“are you cheryl blossom?” one of the officers says suddenly, the look on his face unreadable as cheryl attempts to swallow the lump in her throat unsuccessfully.

 

how the fuck do they know her name?

 

“y-yes?” she manages to choke out, her body trembling when the officer cocks an eyebrow and stares at cheryl before he simply looks at toni with a clenched jaw for a few moments.

 

“miss topaz, we won’t ask again.” he says firmly, his fingers again reaching for the cuffs on his belt, and cheryl is so fucking _frozen_ with just shock and fear and sadness, she can’t move, she can’t think, or breathe, or do _anything-_

 

“please, can you just give me a minute with her?” toni pleads, gripping cheryl’s wrist as soon as she curls a hand around toni’s forearm to tug her back, to pull her back into the living room where they’re safe, where these cops aren’t threatening to arrest her, please god, this can’t be real-

 

it's her fault, cheryl knows it is, she just fucking _knows_ it.

 

the officer doesn’t respond, pulls the cuffs from his belt, and cheryl feels bile rise in the back of her throat, a scream of anguish building and building-

 

“okay…okay, there’s no need for that.” toni croaks out, raising a hand in surrender as she gently tugs her arm out of cheryl’s vice-like grip.

 

“toni, p-please-.”

 

“cheryl…just go inside. i’ll call you when this is over.” toni murmurs, pushing cheryl back away from her as gently as she can as the officer tightens his grip on his cuffs, impatience clear as day in his eyes, and all cheryl can fucking think is that _this cannot be fucking happening-_

 

“you don’t need the cuffs, okay? i’m complying…i’m doing what you want.” toni says softly, hands still raised in surrender, each step cautious, and fuck, the reason _why_ makes cheryl cry even harder, tears falling down her cheeks as she stands there sobbing, unable to help, unable to stop them because any move she makes could make it worse, could make things for _toni_ worse…

 

she’s seen the news reports…the thought of toni’s name being added to the long list of people killed at the hands of the police…people who were supposed to protect and serve…

 

the officer says nothing, simply steps back as toni exhales shakily and looks back at cheryl with tears in her eyes and a shaky attempt at a reassuring smile, and fuck, she's being so fucking brave right now for cheryl, and cheryl doesn't understand how she's doing it, because if cheryl's scared out of her mind, how the _fuck_ is toni feeling then?

 

“everything’s gonna be fine. i’ll be back before you know it, okay?” cheryl takes in a shuddering breath, nods as best as she can, and she can see in toni’s eyes that she wants nothing more than to hold her close and comfort her, feels the exact same fucking way, but she knows she can’t do anything to put toni in jeopardy right now, so she stays still.

 

she stays still and watches as toni eyes the officers apprehensively before following them out of the door. stays still as the officer gives her a stern look before he shuts the door behind him.

 

stays still and prays to every god she knows that this is just a dream.

 

because this can’t be happening…it just can’t.

 

_please…please let her be okay, please…_

 

\-----------------

 

she’s been here for hours.

 

toni knows it, because the watch on her wrist is telling her it’s now nine at night, and yet…nothing.

 

she’s been stuck inside this room, no visitors, no cops, just…nothing. she knows she’s in an interrogation room, because she’s been here before. being a former gang member, toni’s been inside her fair share of interrogation rooms. 

 

however, this time is different. because this time…this time she’s actually fucking _terrified._

 

the cops in riverdale are nothing compared to the ones in new york. riverdale is a small town, and sheriff keller told her every time he slapped cuffs on her that he wanted her to try and do better… _be_ better. he looked out for her, no matter how small or big her crimes were.

 

those cops that arrested her? yeah, toni’s still not sure how she managed to convince them not to drag her out of her apartment by her hair with cuffs around her wrists. 

 

there was not a kind bone in either of their bodies, and toni can still feel her bicep throbbing from the way that officer had grabbed her the second he had closed the door to their apartment behind him, dragging her towards the elevators, and toni had wanted to fight, but she didn’t want to make her situation worse…

 

there was a news report just the other day about a young black woman who was gunned down by officers in manhattan for simply having her hands in her pockets, a report that added to a long list of similar incidents and a long list of names, and a report that left cheryl scoffing in disbelief, but left toni feeling nothing but horrified and scared. 

 

she wasn’t about to do something stupid and have her name flashing on a news report, no matter how badly she had wanted to punch that officer in the face and run straight back to her apartment…to cheryl…

 

_god, cheryl…_

 

the thought of cheryl all alone, watching toni being taken away breaks the pink haired girl’s heart, but she’s glad cheryl didn’t make a fuss, or yell and scream or fight like she more than likely wanted to. the last thing toni would ever want is for cheryl to get arrested alongside her…

 

but what is cheryl doing right now? what is she thinking? toni wishes she could just call her or something, could just reassure her that everything will be okay despite not knowing if it really will be.

 

she has a feeling she knows what this is about, but she knows she needs to be smart and not talk without a lawyer present…not that toni really knows any fucking lawyers anyway…

 

_god, i’m so screwed…_

 

it was worth it, though. no matter what, toni believes that. _cheryl_ is worth whatever happens next-

 

the door bursts open so loudly, toni feels herself almost jump out of her seat in shock. she looks up just as the officer who arrested her walks in, jaw clenched and looking as menacing as ever with cuffs in his hands. toni shrinks in her seat slightly, her heart pounding against her chest as he comes to a stop in front of her and reaches for her right wrist, which she immediately holds to her chest protectively.

 

“what are you doing?! wait, please-.” 

 

“someone’s coming in to talk with you and they’ve requested you be cuffed to the table. they think you’re a danger to them. now shut up and give me your wrist!” he hisses, not even giving her the chance to do so before he’s grabbing it and pulling it towards a small dent in the table with a bar through it. he slaps the cuff around the bar before tightening it and slapping the other end of the cuffs around toni’s wrist, tightening it to the point where it’s almost cutting into her skin, but toni doesn’t dare say a word, simply bares her teeth and glares up at him as he exits the room without another word.

 

someone thinks she’s a danger to them? _she_ , toni topaz, all five foot one inches of her?

 

_who the hell…_

 

she tugs on the cuffs hopelessly just as the door opens again, causing her to jump once more as a man in a dark blue suit walks in.

 

and the second toni sees him, it all starts to piece together.

 

because the second she sees that fire red hair atop his head, toni knows _exactly_ who has just walked in.

 

she slumps in her seat, nothing but anguish hitting her as the tears well in her eyes, but the man comes to a stop opposite her on the other side of the table, blue eyes observing her with a sneer before he scoffs and unbuttons his jacket, his other hand curling over the top of the chair in front of him to pull it back so he can take a seat.

 

“so you’re the woman who has ruined my daughter’s life.” he says simply, sitting down with a heavy sigh, eyes boring into toni’s as she stares back at him helplessly.

 

“clifford blossom, i presume?” she says weakly. he simply raises an eyebrow, a slight smirk playing on his lips as he nods once.

 

“you presume correctly.” he says stiffly. toni tries to get over her shock, her _fear_ as she looks at the man before her, and truth be told, she even spends a good second or true trying to find any hint of cheryl inside the man who fathered her for twenty five years.

 

she finds none of cheryl’s warmth, none of her kindness, or her happiness…she sees only greed, and power. 

 

power that clifford blossom clearly now holds over her.

 

“how…” she manages to croak out, licking her dry lips and watching as clifford scratches at his chin before leaning forward and gazing at her with nothing but hatred.

 

“how did i find out? did you really think we were just going to let cheryl go so easily? she’s our _daughter,_ miss topaz.” he says through clenched teeth, sinking back into his chair before he suddenly swings a briefcase toni didn’t even notice he had in his hands onto the table, flicking the clips and opening it before he pulls out photos and throws them in front of toni.

 

photos of her and cheryl walking down the street hand in hand, the both of them with smiles on their faces…photos of them even in their apartment, taken through the window…ones of cheryl painting and toni with her arms wrapped around her from behind…ones of them kissing, of them hugging and holding each other, in public and in the privacy of their home, toni feels like she’s going to throw the fuck up-

 

“i hired a private investigator to find out what exactly had suddenly changed my daughter’s mind about her marriage…and imagine my surprise when i discovered _you,_ miss topaz.” clifford says somewhat calmly, his fingers interlacing on top of the table as toni looks down at the photos in defeat. 

 

she can’t even think…can’t breathe, can’t move, they’ve…they’ve been spied on for god knows how many weeks, some of these look like they were taken just _days_ ago-

 

“mr. blossom…”

 

“if i were you, i’d stay silent. because my surprise quickly turned into rage when i discovered your history.” clifford spits out, prompting toni to look up at him in despair, unable to stop the tears that fall down her cheeks.

 

a sight that has clifford scoffing, not an ounce of care for toni’s pain in him.

 

“a former southside serpent, hell, the founder of the goddamn gang…responsible for years of chaos and destruction on the southside of riverdale before you disappeared and suddenly resurfaced in new york with a psychology degree in your hands. a psychology degree you then used to be my daughter’s therapist.” he growls, his anger getting the better of him as toni looks at him in shock, surprised by just how much _venom_ rests within this man-

 

“whatever twisted brainwashing you’ve done on my daughter…it’s over. this fantasy you’ve been living out, it ends today. i am going to destroy you, do you understand me, miss topaz?” he hisses, and before toni has time to react, he’s grabbing her wrist that’s holding one of the photos and twisting it in his grasp, eliciting a cry of pain as she tries to swing her other hand around to hit him, to get him off her, but she’s cuffed to the goddamn table-

 

“i will _not_ have my daughter shacking up with some southside serpent _trash_! least of all another woman!” he barks, nails digging into toni’s skin so harshly, she’s positive he’s drawn blood, but she refuses to show him any pain, blinks back the tears from her eyes and looks up at him with nothing but determination.

 

“i'm not b-brainwashing her! this is who she is, who she always has been-." the nails dig in deeper, cutting her off as clifford almost growls in anger underneath his breath.

 

"you've warped her mind to make her think she's something as disgusting and deviant as... _that!_ " he hisses, and toni can barely see through the tears of pain, but she refuses to be weak, not now, not in the face of her enemy-

 

"i love her. and she loves me.” she manages to get out somewhat strongly, her voice only slightly quivering from the pain exploding throughout her body, but with a simple scoff and a squeeze of her wrist, toni’s resolve fades as clifford leans forward until he’s inches away from her face.

 

“not anymore. i’m putting an end to this delusion for the both of you. cheryl will marry archie, and if archie refuses to comply, we’ll find her another suitor…and you? you will lose your job, your money and everything else you hold dear, and i will personally make sure you rot in a prison cell, right where you belong.” he whispers, and with that, he throws toni’s arm down onto the table, the wounds immediately throbbing as he gathers the photos on top of the table and shoves them back into his briefcase before he stands and buttons up his jacket once more with a smirk. 

 

“don’t think there’s any outcome in this where you win, miss topaz. you grew up in riverdale…you should know what the blossoms are capable of.” he says simply, grabbing the briefcase by the handle and making his way towards the door.

 

and toni doesn’t even know why, with tears falling down her face and both wrists throbbing painfully, stuck and bound to this fucking table before her, but she somehow manages to lift her gaze with a sniff to stare at the back of the man who has just single handedly destroyed her life.

 

“she’s your daughter…why can’t you just be happy that she’s happy?” toni whispers weakly, unable to process, to think about anything right now other than the fact that cheryl has been ripped away from her as clifford’s back stiffens, his hand on the doorknob before he slowly turns to face her.

 

“life isn’t about happiness, miss topaz. it’s about power…and the sooner you and cheryl realize that, the better off you’ll both be.” he says with an almost sinister smile before he throws the door open and leaves, slamming it shut behind him and leaving toni with nothing to do but wallow in her despair. 

 

it's over...her career, her job that she loves so fucking much, her relationship...fuck, her relationship with cheryl...

 

it's all over.

 

_i'm sorry, cher...i'm so, so sorry._


	18. we're made for each other

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> maaaaaan i did not uh...realize how long this fic is LMAO, whoops! anyway, here's a longish chapter, uh...is a little heartbreaking but also bittersweet?
> 
> listen, not gonna lie chief...next few chapters are a rollercoaster. arm yourselves.
> 
> as always, message me on twitter at @endofdaysforme or leave a lovely lil comment letting me know what you thought!

toni’s let go the next morning.

 

she spent about an hour in the interrogation room after clifford left, minutes upon minutes on end with her body fatigued and her mind frazzled with everything clifford had just bombarded her with before an officer finally came in to give her the incredibly harrowing and heartbreaking news as he read her miranda rights.

 

that she was officially under arrest, and that her emergency contact was being notified of it.

 

of course, toni’s emergency contact is kevin, her only friend in new york who’s close by enough to help her out, but when toni was thrown into a cell with no preamble after her prints and photos were taken, it had started to really sink in that she was being arrested for what the police simply said was ‘misconduct in a medical environment’. 

 

toni had ended up throwing up into the toilet in her cell, unable to contain the bile rising in the back of her throat anymore before she had curled up onto one of the benches inside it, and it’s where she’s remained since, ignoring the many bodies that had come in and out.

 

she doesn’t know where kevin is, hasn’t heard from him, is still trying to fucking process that she’s essentially been arrested for falling in love as she tries very hard to ignore the other voice in her mind that tells her she deserves this.

 

toni knows there’s no real law against doctor/patient relationships...it’s frowned upon, of course, and patients are within every right to sue or have a doctor arrested for sexual harassment if that was the case, and her time in college had taught her of what’s called the ‘florence nightingale’ effect where a doctor or a patient falls for the other, but is it grounds for arresting someone?

 

yes and no.

 

if cheryl were the one charging toni, then yes. cheryl was toni’s patient, and if she saw toni’s actions as unprofessional or harassment, then toni being arrested right now would make sense. but cheryl wasn’t the one doing this.

 

clifford was.

 

therein lies the rub.

 

because toni is positive that clifford is pretending to act on cheryl’s behalf. because toni is positive that clifford has spun some web of lies to inform officers that cheryl isn’t acting of her own freewill. from the way he had spoken to toni yesterday about her ‘brainwashing’ cheryl, toni has no doubt in her mind that he’s using the power he has right now to place her under arrest, to have her embarrassed and more than likely fired, because that’s what clifford has promised.

 

he promised to destroy her, and that’s exactly what he’s doing.

 

all because she fell in love with a patient. all because she fell in love with _cheryl._

 

clifford blossom is a powerful, powerful man. and toni is slowly starting to come to terms with the fact that she is well and truly fucking _screwed._

 

she groans, blinking back more tears, unsure of how she’s even still producing some with how dehydrated her body feels when she hears a huff of frustration on the other side of the cell.

 

“keep it down, would ya!? i’m tryin’ to nap here!” some old man rasps, coughing loudly as toni sucks in a breath and holds it to stop herself from screaming.

 

she just wants to go home. she just wants to go home to cheryl, to curl up into her arms and feel safe and warm, she doesn’t want to be in this cold cell with a bunch of other criminals, this is fucking ridiculous…

 

it feels like hours pass before finally, an officer bangs on the bars at around nine in the morning, jolting her out of her slight unconscious and exhausted state.

 

“topaz! your bail’s been posted, get out here.” he says gruffly. toni turns to face him, her body aching and her wrists still throbbing from her encounter with clifford blossom, but she pushes herself up off the bench, ignores the sneer the old man gives her and makes her way out slowly and cautiously.

 

“wh-who posted my bail?” toni asks in a small voice, her mind too tired to really process anything that’s happening right now because part of her still doesn’t want to believe it, and the officer scoffs and looks at her with what looks like a smug smirk.

 

“some twink waiting for you in the lobby. there’s conditions to your bail, they’ll be read to by the officer who signs your discharge papers.” toni purses her lips and resists the urge to whack the officer in the face for insulting her best friend, pushes down the rage she feels at that word being said in regards to kevin and simply follows him out into the lobby.

 

where kevin and moose are waiting for her, the both of them looking beyond anxious and beyond terrified as toni walks through and tries her best not to break down at the sight of friendly faces just as kevin turns and finally lays eyes on her.

 

“toni! oh thank god!” kevin shouts, running straight for her and lifting her into his embrace. toni immediately hugs him close, chokes on a sob and buries her face into his neck as kevin rubs her back with a soft coo.

 

being in the arms of someone she cares about and someone who cares about her, toni feels her heart swell with love, holds kevin as tight as possible as he squeezes her gently and presses a kiss to her temple.

 

“hey, it’s okay, don’t worry…cheryl’s the one who posted your bail, she got the money this morning and gave it to me.” he whispers into her ear.

 

cheryl…cheryl posted her bail? god, cheryl’s been struggling with money since her father disowned her, and yet she just threw god knows how much money into helping get toni out of jail…

 

toni’s heart sinks, clenching tightly as she pulls away and looks up at kevin with tears in her eyes, and the boy takes her hand before he’s suddenly looking down at her wrists, his eyes widening at the black and blue blotches-

 

“toni…what the hell-.”

 

“shh, it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t…kev, is she okay? is cheryl okay?” toni manages to croak out, worry gripping her for her girlfriend as kevin’s eyes soften, nothing but despair shining in them. he pauses, hesitation clear as day on his face as he stares at her wrists for a beat longer before he sighs and shakes his head.

 

“she’s not doing so great. josie and archie are with her now, they have been since last night, but…toni, some officers came by last night and-.”

 

“topaz! over here, now!” one of the officers sitting at a desk shouts. kevin looks up at him with worry, and toni licks her lips before she takes his hand and squeezes it, letting him go after a few moments to make her way towards the officer who called her name. he looks at her sternly before he’s flipping through her papers with a frown, toni watching him anxiously as he does.

 

“antoinette mercedes topaz, your bail of three thousand dollars has been posted, however…you have been suspended, effective immediately, from working as a psychiatrist and as a doctor pending a court hearing in four weeks’ time to assess and determine your professional behavior. you are required to stay five hundred feet away from your area of employment and any current patients you may have.” toni’s heart clenches at his words, but she can’t help the sliver of hope that runs through her.

 

suspended…just suspended, not fired, her license hasn’t been taken from her…not yet. and he said ‘current patients’, which means cheryl’s not included in that…

 

maybe they’re gonna be okay, maybe this won’t be so bad, maybe they’re-

 

“you’re being sued by clifford cochrane blossom, for misconduct in a professional environment and for behavior modification and coercive persuasion of his daughter, one miss cheryl marjorie blossom. as a result, you are to also stay five hundred feet away from one miss cheryl marjorie blossom at all times again pending a court hearing in four weeks’ time. you are to have _no contact whatsoever_ with one miss cheryl marjorie blossom during this time. should you break any of these restrictions, miss topaz, you will be arrested immediately and charged with failing to abide by the laws. do you understand what i have just told you?” the officer deadpans, his eyes expressing no sympathy for the way toni screws her eyes shut and purses her lips together to stop herself from screaming in agony.

 

he’s doing what he promised, he’s destroying her, inside and out…

 

god, five hundred feet away from her at all times? they _live_ together, how are they supposed to do this, how-

 

“miss topaz, your compliance, please. unless you’d like to return to your cell.” the officer says simply. toni blinks rapidly before she swallows loudly and nods.

 

“y-yes.” toni manages to get out, the bile rising in the back of her throat quicker than she can swallow it down as the officer hums and ticks something on the papers in front of him.

 

“do you agree to these terms as they have been presented to you?” he asks. when toni simply nods numbly, he rolls his eyes and sighs.

 

“i need a verbal response, miss topaz.” he deadpans. toni licks her lips and lets out a shaky breath.

 

“y-yes, i do.”

 

“good. sign here.” he turns the papers to her and holds out the pen, and toni hesitates, takes it from him and sits there for a few minutes with the pen hovering over the papers, aware that the second she signs these, she won’t be allowed to see cheryl for four fucking weeks.

 

_you deserve it._

 

she does. she fell in love with a patient…she deserves this. 

 

she signs, her signature coming out all messy and scrawled from how hard she’s shaking, and the officer nods once and takes them from her before he attaches them to a clipboard and suddenly clears his throat.

 

“officers will be posted outside your apartment building for the next four weeks to ensure you abide by your restrictions, miss topaz. your phone has also been tapped so we can make sure you don’t contact miss blossom during this time.” he says suddenly with a toothy smile, reaching for her phone, the only thing she had on her at the time she was brought to the station before he holds it out to her.

 

toni stares at that grin in horror, that grin that leaves toni’s heart clenching, leaves her looking at him in disbelief as she tries to speak, tries to get her words out-

 

“wh-what? but…you’re treating me like i’ve k-killed someone-.”

 

“you signed the papers, you agreed to those conditions.” he deadpans, shuffling the papers and signing them himself as the arresting officer while toni stands there and tries to process what he’s just told her.

 

and as it slowly starts to sink in, she feels nothing but anger flood her.

 

“you told me this _after_ i signed!” she hisses, glaring at him as he simply smiles sinisterly with a shrug.

 

“i don’t recall that. you’re free to go now, miss topaz, have a good day.” he says simply, nodding towards the entrance of the building, and toni stares back at him with nothing but defeat slowly settling into her.

 

because she knows this is clifford’s influence playing a hand. because she knows he’s going to do whatever it takes to keep her away from cheryl.

 

_his pockets run deeper than i realized…_

 

four weeks without the girl she loves…he’s won. it’s that plain and simple, that son of a bitch has won…

 

toni feels fucking numb as she makes her way back over to kevin, who immediately pulls her into his embrace, and she tries her best not to cry, burying her face into his chest as moose rubs her back consolingly, her heart breaking at everything that’s just gone wrong in less than twenty four hours. 

 

because twenty four hours ago, she was kissing cheryl goodbye as she rushed out of their apartment to go to work, and now…now she has to stay five hundred fucking feet away from her.

 

this isn’t fair…it isn’t fair but toni should’ve fucking seen this coming. she got lucky when veronica decided not to report her but she should’ve known her luck would run out, god, she’s so goddamn _dumb-_

 

“come on, let’s get you home.” kevin murmurs, wrapping an arm around her shoulders, but toni shrugs out of his touch, shaking her head wildly out of fear more than anything.

 

she can’t break the restrictions-

 

“k-kevin, i’m n-not allowed to b-be near h-her-.”

 

“i know…i was trying to tell you before, officers came to your apartment last night and told cheryl she’s not allowed to stay there anymore. she packed a suitcase and she’s staying with josie for the time being, so you don’t have to worry about her not having somewhere to stay, okay?” kevin says softly, bringing her back into his embrace as he leads her out of the station, holding her trembling body as she somehow manages to nod once.

 

good…she’s with josie, josie’s her friend, she’ll keep her safe, keep her happy…

 

“is…she’s not…” toni can’t even get the words out, and moose takes her hand and lifts it to press a kiss to her knuckles as they step out into the chilly air and beautiful sunlight.

 

“no, she’s not holding up too great. but neither are you, toni. so focus on yourself first, okay? we’ll look after cheryl, i promise.” moose says, brushing her hair back from her face with a gentle smile that toni only half returns.

 

she doesn’t even know where to begin with this. she’s suspended from her job, what the hell is going to happen to all her patients? and how will they react, knowing she’s been arrested for ‘indecent behavior’ or whatever the hell story clifford has spun?

 

her reputation has likely been ruined, toni will be incredibly surprised if she doesn’t get fired, let alone doesn’t get her license to practice revoked…she’s ruined.

 

and on top of that, having to stay away from cheryl…the one person who made all this _worth_ it to her…

 

kevin leads her over to his car, helps her into the passenger seat as moose climbs into the back, and toni immediately draws her knees up to her chest after she clicks her seatbelt on, rests her chin on top of them and closes her eyes as she tries to come to terms with everything that’s happened.

 

“you hungry? we can go get something to eat-.” kevin starts, but toni can’t even fathom the possibility of stomaching food right now, finds herself shaking her head before she looks up at him with a trembling bottom lip, trying her best to keep her tears at bay.

 

“kev…can you take me home and just stay with me for a bit?” she asks in a small voice. kevin’s expression is filled with heartbreak as he grips her bicep with a soft smile and simply nods once.

 

“course i can, t. let’s go.” 

 

the ride to toni’s place is silent before moose eventually asks what happened, and toni tells them both everything while she simultaneously tries her best to keep herself together, but she knows the second she enters her apartment and sees cheryl’s stuff is missing, it’s going to break her.

 

there’s tiny fissures in her heart right now, and walking through that door…she knows it’ll crack her heart completely, but she tries to keep a brave face on as kevin pulls into the parking lot of her apartment building.

 

she’s numb as she exits the car and makes her way towards the elevators, and god, she feels so fucking empty without cheryl by her side right now, each step painful as kevin sighs and pulls his phone out of his pocket.

 

“i’ll call cheryl and let her know you’re back home, alright?” he whispers, gripping her shoulder as she simply nods once and enters the elevator once the doors open. 

 

moose heads up with her as kevin stays behind, and it doesn’t hit her that she doesn’t have the keys to her apartment with her as she stares at moose helplessly only for the young man to reach into his pockets with a sad smile.

 

“cheryl…she gave me her keys.” he croaks out, watching as toni whimpers before she holds her hand out. moose drops the key into her palm, and she closes her fingers over it, almost like she can feel cheryl’s energy coming off the little piece of metal…

 

she misses her. it hasn’t even been sixteen hours and toni fucking misses her…

 

she shoves the key into the door and slowly pushes it open, and before moose can say anything, toni heads straight to her bedroom, not even daring to look into cheryl’s room, at the door that’s ajar, most likely from cheryl’s haste to get out…

 

she chokes on a sob, tears falling down her cheeks as soon as she sees her bed looking incredibly empty, no redheaded, beautiful girl laying under the covers waiting for her. 

 

just…bare.

 

she walks forward and collapses on top of her bed, and it doesn’t even hit her that her pillow is missing until she shuffles up to grab her pillow, only to find the space empty.

 

cheryl sleeps on the right, and her pillow is resting there, some strands of red hair resting on top of it that have toni bursting into tears as she grabs it and holds it to her chest, hugging it close and trying her best to come to terms with the fact that her relationship with cheryl is all but over.

 

clifford blossom got his wish.

 

he didn’t just destroy her.

 

he’s annihilated her.

 

\-----------------

 

“cheryl…”

 

she barely registers josie saying her name, can’t even hear her over the sound of her sobbing as she clutches the pillow she stole from toni’s bedroom closer to her chest, nose buried into the pillowcase to inhale the scent of the girl she’s now lost.

 

she still can’t believe it, she doesn’t _want_ to believe it.

 

she still also has no idea what the fuck is going on. all she knows from what the officers told her last night is that toni was being arrested and cheryl wasn’t allowed to see her, and that she was to find a new place to stay until further notice.

 

she doesn’t know what toni is being charged for, doesn’t know _anything_ , and no matter how much she had screamed and yelled at the officers to give her information, they had remained tight lipped.

 

she doesn’t even know if toni is fucking okay, and she feels like her head is about to burst. she barely slept, had transferred money to kevin’s account on her phone as soon as he had arrived at the station and found out how much toni’s bail was, and she’s been waiting to hear from him since, but it’s been over two hours and still…nothing. 

 

who reported her? that’s what cheryl wants to know…she has half a mind to call veronica and demand to know what’s going on, and with how much her mind is spiraling, she’s getting closer and closer to doing so-

 

“cheryl, come on…drink some water at least, please?” archie says suddenly in a low voice, the bed dipping as he sits down beside her and rubs her back consolingly. cheryl whimpers before she shakes her head, holding the pillow closer as josie sighs and brushes her hair back from her tear stricken face. 

 

“cheryl, honey, you haven’t eaten anything or had any water since last night, i know you’re scared and you’re worried, but everything’s gonna be okay-.”

 

“i w-wanna s-see her…please, j-josie, let me s-see her…” cheryl croaks out, her heart aching as josie sighs and runs her fingers through her hair.

 

“i wish i could, babe, but those officers were pretty serious last night, let’s just wait to hear from-.”

 

josie barely finishes her sentence before cheryl’s phone starts ringing, and she grabs it and almost screams when she sees kevin’s name at the top-

 

“kevin! is sh-she okay, is-.” she’s stuttering out as she sits up wildly, the pillow falling into her lap as he does before kevin cuts off her rambling.

 

“cheryl! breathe, okay, toni’s fine, we just got to her apartment.” kevin says with a loud sigh, and cheryl feels her entire body just cave as she buries her face into her free hand with a choked out sob.

 

she’s okay, they let her go…she’s back home, she’s safe-

 

“oh thank god! th-thank god, k-kevin, th-thank you-.”

 

“of course, cheryl, you have nothing to thank me for, toni’s my best friend, i’d do anything for her…but listen, toni told me and moose what happened, and…i think you should sit down for this.” kevin says solemnly.

 

cheryl licks her dry lips, heart sinking at his words, and she looks up at archie and josie in despair as she puts the phone on speaker before she nods numbly and lets out a shaky sigh.

 

“what did sh-she say happened, kev?” she croaks out. kevin lets out a loud sigh again before he finally begins talking. 

 

“when she got to the station last night, they kept her in the interrogation room for hours before…before your father came in to see her, cheryl.” 

 

the phone drops.

 

it falls on top of the pillowcase as cheryl finds herself suddenly struggling to find breath, finds herself curling in on herself almost immediately as kevin’s words ring in her mind. 

 

_“before your father came in to see her, cheryl…”_

 

her father…her father, he’s responsible, she should’ve known, she should’ve _fucking known-_

 

clifford calling archie all those weeks ago…it makes sense now. it all fucking makes sense…

 

“cheryl, hey, deep breaths, okay?” archie murmurs, rubbing her back as cheryl tries her best to do as he says, but all she manages to do is-

 

“did h-he h-hurt h-her-.” she manages to choke out, her entire body trembling at the idea of her father touching toni, hurting her like he’s hurt cheryl in the past, oh god, oh god, fuck, fuck, fuck-

 

“i…i don’t know, but…god, cheryl, toni’s wrists are a little bruised, i don’t know what from-.”

 

cheryl knows.

 

_his vicelike grip on her small wrist as his nails dug in, his words echoing out loudly over the sound of her wailing as his grip on her tightens-_

 

_“what did i say about tying your shoelaces, cheryl!? they only need to be done **once!** this behavior is unacceptable!”_

 

_“please, daddy, s-stop! i’m s-sorry!”_

 

cheryl jumps up from the bed, runs straight for the bathroom in josie’s room and drops to her knees before she buries her head into the toilet. she’s choking up bile, her body refusing to draw in breath, and josie’s shouting her name and running into the bathroom after her, kneeling down beside her and holding her hair back as she struggles, gripping the toilet seat with bare white knuckles-

 

“she’s okay! she’s okay, cheryl-.”

 

“h-he h-hurt h-her, j-josie! h-he…oh god-.”

 

cheryl’s been on the receiving end of her father’s violence before, and the fucking _thought_ of toni being hurt by him...

 

archie walks into the room carrying cheryl’s phone, his jaw clenched and his eyes filled with anger, and cheryl looks up at him blearily through tear filled eyes as kevin’s voice echoes out through the phone. 

 

“…don’t know, archie, but from what toni’s told me, she’s been suspended from her job and…and she’s not allowed anywhere near cheryl for the next four weeks until the court hearing. she has to stay five hundred feet away from her at all times.” 

 

any resolve… _any_ resolve cheryl had left in her just completely and utterly _disappears._

 

she sags against the toilet with a whimper, her forehead coming to rest on her arm as josie rubs her back while she just sits there numbly, taking in all the pain, all the suffering that she’s feeling.

 

she can’t even see her…can’t kiss away the bruises on her wrist and the pain she’s more than likely in…because of _her._

 

all because of _her…_

 

“kevin, are…are you sure?” cheryl very vaguely hears archie ask, her mind too scattered, too damaged to think anything other than pain, pain, pain-

 

“yeah, archie…i’m sure. she’s not allowed to have any contact whatsoever with cheryl and if she does, she’ll be arrested immediately, no warnings. officers will be hanging out around her apartment until the court hearing to make sure she doesn’t see cheryl, and her phone is tapped to make sure she doesn’t contact cheryl, either. it’s…they’re doing everything possible to keep them apart-.”

 

“it’s clifford…this is his doing.” archie says through clenched teeth, knows full well what clifford blossom is capable of, but cheryl is barely paying any attention.

 

she can’t even go and see her. can’t comfort her, can’t hold her, brush away her tears and reassure her that everything will be okay, she…

 

_he’s ruining my life…he disowned me and now he’s taking toni from me, this can’t be happening…_

 

“cheryl, just breathe…” josie coos softly, rubbing her back, but cheryl gently pushes her away and looks up at archie in despair, shaking her head with only one thought running through her mind.

 

that she needs to put an end to this.

 

“riverdale…t-take me to r-riverdale. i h-have to s-see them.” she manages to choke out, watching as archie’s eyes widen, looking at her in shock while the phone shakes in his hand.

 

“cheryl…i don’t think that’s a good idea-.”

 

“I DON’T CARE!” cheryl screams, unable to stop herself, her heart aching and her entire body trembling as she forces herself to swallow down any other bile rising in the back of her throat, because there’s no fucking way she’s not going to fight.

 

she spent her whole goddamn life being compliant to clifford blossom and his will, but when it comes to toni, she refuses not to fight for her.

 

she pushes herself up on shaking legs, wipes away the bile still clinging to her lips and uses the sink to keep herself upright as she looks into archie’s eyes pleadingly.

 

“i don’t care, just…please, archie, p-please…” cheryl whimpers, looking up at him in despair, and archie stares at her for a long time before he purses his lips and simply nods once, staring down at cheryl’s phone as he does.

 

“kevin…tell toni we’ve got cheryl and we’re looking after her. we’re gonna work something out, you just tell her to rest up, okay?” archie says somewhat calmly, and cheryl bites down on her trembling bottom lip as josie sighs and stands, gripping cheryl’s elbow and pulling her into her embrace.

 

“alright…don’t do anything stupid, guys.” kevin says firmly. archie scoffs and hangs up as cheryl rests her head on josie’s shoulder, gripping her best friend tightly and looking at archie as he gives her a lopsided smile.

 

“no promises, kev…sorry.” he deadpans. cheryl exhales shakily, and archie steps forward and wraps both girls in his arms.

 

and if this was any other situation, cheryl would perhaps find it so _strange_ , that archie was currently holding his ex-fiancée in one arm and his current girlfriend in the other, but all she can focus on right now is getting to riverdale and tearing her father limb from limb. 

 

and apparently, so is archie. because he pulls back and brushes her hair from her face before he squares his shoulders and nods at her.

 

“if we leave now, we can be there by the afternoon.” he murmurs.

 

and cheryl pulls back from josie’s embrace with a shaky sigh before she nods once.

 

“then what the hell are we waiting for?”

 

\---------------------------

 

“HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!”

 

the words fly out of cheryl’s mouth the second she bursts through the double doors of thornhill three hours later, her entire body trembling and tears falling down her cheeks as she enters the foyer like a woman on a goddamn mission to see the two people she hates more than anything in this world sitting nonchalantly at the table having tea and finger sandwiches.

 

it makes cheryl wince, because she can almost _feel_ the fucking privileged narcissism coming off the both of them, and how she was born into a family filled with this much greed, with this much egotism continues to escape her, just like it has for the last twenty five years.

 

her father looks up at her in surprise, and her mother simply rolls her eyes and continues to sip from her teacup without even looking at her as cheryl stands at the doorway breathless and frazzled, cheeks red and body still shaking before clifford sighs loudly and stands from his seat.

 

“cheryl, honey…sit down-.” he starts, buttoning his coat before cheryl shakes her head with a growl.

 

“NO! I WON’T ENTERTAIN SITTING ANYWHERE NEAR YOU AFTER WHAT YOU’VE DONE!” cheryl screams at the top of her lungs, taking a step back as her father steps forward. archie just bursts through the front door to the mansion, panting for air as he rushes over and comes to stand behind cheryl, glaring at clifford and taking a protective stance. his hand grips cheryl’s elbow to tug her back slightly, and cheryl’s father looks at the both of them with what looks like disappointment, but cheryl couldn’t care less. 

 

“cheryl, come now, you’re being absurd-.”

 

“DON’T YOU DARE! SHE’S IS THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ME AND YOU’VE DESTROYED HER!” cheryl screams again, stepping forward and out of archie’s reach, her hands flying out to punch and hurt every inch of clifford she can before archie’s gripping her arms and pulling her back to stop her suddenly.

 

“cheryl-.”

 

“LET GO OF ME, ARCHIE!” she growls, trying to shake off his hold on her fruitlessly while clifford stares at her with a clenched jaw and nothing but anger blazing in his blue eyes.

 

blue eyes so goddamn similar to jason’s…

 

_where is he? where is that bastard, why isn’t he here helping me, defending me-_

 

“will you stop this crazed behavior?!” clifford hisses, and with cheryl’s arms bound by archie and no jason here to defend her, she finally decides to fucking stand up for herself and does the next best thing.

 

she spits right into her father’s face, watches it connect with his cheek and feels nothing but smug satisfaction at the sight of it as clifford staggers back from the action, face expressionless, and simply pulls a handkerchief from his breast pocket to wipe the filth away. 

 

“that treacherous little vagrant’s hold on you is stronger than i thought.” clifford says with a scoff, and cheryl’s about to spit in his face again for insulting toni, for hurting her more than he already has when her mother suddenly stands and makes her way over to them with a sigh, smoothing out her dress as she does.

 

“cheryl, it’s obvious that this…’antoinette’ woman has warped your mind…used her therapy to twist it and to make you believe that you’re a…well, you know what.” penelope says nonchalantly, disgust written all over her face. cheryl bares her teeth and glares at the woman before her with nothing but hatred before she’s spitting out the word penelope refuses to say with nothing but pride.

 

“a lesbian! i’m a lesbian, mother! i’m gay, and that ‘antoinette woman’ did _not_ brainwash me! this is who i’ve always been, she just opened my eyes to it because that’s her _fucking job_ as a therapist! if anyone was brainwashing me, it was _you two!_ for twenty five fucking years, you held me under your thumb and made me obey like i was some kind of soldier instead of your own daughter! your own flesh and blood! there is nothing wrong with who i am and toni…” cheryl suddenly sags in archie’s grip just saying her girlfriend’s name, this agony taking her over as archie sighs loudly behind her, holding her close while tears fall down her cheeks…

 

she can’t stay away from her for four weeks, she can’t…

 

“she loves me…she loves me so much and you can’t s-stand the idea of m-me being _h-happy._ ” cheryl manages to choke out, her throat constricting, her entire body sagging against archie as her father inhales sharply and looks to her mother before he suddenly holds his head high.

 

“you are not happy with her, cheryl. she is making you believe things that aren’t true, and as a result, you’re defying us, something you _never_ would have done before meeting her!” he hisses. cheryl simply shakes her head, her whole body aching and her head pounding and god, all she wants right now…

 

all she wants is toni…

 

“drop the charges…please, daddy, i’m _begging_ you. drop the charges, let me see her, i…i just n-need to see her…” cheryl begs, tears still falling as archie holds her close with a sigh, and clifford simply looks at her in surprise before he scoffs and shakes his head in disbelief.

 

“do you see this, penelope? so dependent on that woman, do you _see_ how far gone she’s taken our dear cheryl? oh, that woman will rot for what she has done, mark my words, she will pay…” 

 

cheryl lets out this almost inhumane wail, despair gripping her because no matter how much she begs, no matter how much she _pleads_ …

 

her father would rather destroy toni than ever do what cheryl wants him to do. 

 

“cheryl, my darling girl…there’s nothing to fear. everything will go back to normal soon, there’s programs we can enlist you in that can help get rid of these vile thoughts that woman has put into your brain, and we can have you and archie wed by the end of the month still! that woman will go away for a long time for what she’s done to you, i promise!” clifford says softly, stepping closer and reaching out for her, but archie, god fucking bless him, steps back and pulls cheryl along with him. cheryl feels any ounce of hope left leave her, sags against archie as the boy stiffens at clifford’s words before he’s saying his next words in an almost disbelieving whisper.

 

“why…why are you doing this?” he breathes, tone filled with horror as he stares at the man who was almost his father in law.

 

and clifford blossom, in all his glory, suddenly exhales shakily for what cheryl thinks might be the first time in his life, hesitation clear as day in his face as he exchanges a glance with his wife before he looks to archie with his head raised high once again, voice all businesslike once more.

 

“because i’m dying, archie. i’m dying, and i need someone to front the company in new york.”

 

cheryl’s heart clenches, then all too suddenly just…stops. for a couple of beats, she swears it stops working as this sense of _dread_ floods her, and not at the news that her father is dying.

 

but at the news that _because_ he is dying, there is no chance in hell that he’ll stop his tirade against toni now…

 

“jason is too busy with the los angeles branch, asking him to take over here as well would put too much pressure on him. i need _you_ , archie…to take my place. and you can only do that once you’re part of the family.” clifford says firmly.

 

cheryl’s barely processing anything her father is saying, doesn’t even seem to really understand that he’s just told her he’s dying, that her _father_ is dying, but archie is holding her so tightly and she’s gripping onto him like he’s a lifesaver, fingers clutched in his shirt as the boy sighs shakily and simply shakes his head.

 

“i won’t do that to cheryl. i don’t care how much money you offer me.” he says stiffly. 

 

and clifford simply smiles and shrugs, like this is all a game…like this isn’t cheryl and archie’s lives he’s trying to dictate…like he’s not ruining their lives in order to keep some dumb business empire afloat-

 

_he’s dying, cheryl…_

 

“whether you accept this offer or not, archie, it doesn’t matter. we’ll find another suitor. regardless, cheryl _will_ be wed by the end of next month. whether you want to be the one to marry her and take care of her or not is up to you. there’s a young man by the name of nick st. clair who is looking for a wife and a legacy to leave behind, should you decide to stupidly continue on this tirade against us. we’ll simply marry cheryl to him.” clifford says simply, even going so far as to wave his hand as if it’s no big deal, like he’s not signing his daughter’s life away for business while cheryl looks up at him and tries…tries so goddamn hard to find an _ounce_ of love in his eyes for her, but there’s nothing.

 

only power…and greed.

 

_he’s dying, cheryl…_

 

“so that’s what this is all about…just…money? the business? you don’t even _care_ about me, do you?” cheryl whispers, standing up straight on shaking legs and detaching herself from archie’s arms as her father rolls his eyes and reaches out to grab her.

 

“now, cheryl, enough with the dramatics, come sit and we’ll discuss everything-.”

 

“DON’T TOUCH ME!” cheryl screeches, yanking her arm as far away from her father’s extending grip as she can before this sudden burst of confidence hits her out of nowhere.

 

and she doesn’t even know how, but for some reason, she feels as if toni’s right by her side as she hisses her next words right into her father’s face, meaning every single syllable, every single letter that forms the words with everything in her as she says them.

 

“i hate you. with everything in me, i _hate_ you. toni won’t lose this court case, i don’t care how much money you have, or whether you’re _dying_ or not, daddy. i won’t let you ruin my life anymore. you’ve done it for twenty five years and i’ve finally found the courage to look you in the eyes and say _fuck you._ you have no hold over me anymore. i love toni…and we’re going to get out of this whether you want us to or not.” 

 

she doesn’t even get the chance to process that she’s just told her dying father that she hates him, because with that, she simply turns on her heel, grabs archie’s hand and drags him away with only one sentence falling from her mouth as she makes her way to the front door.

 

“archie, call your mother and tell josie to call hers. toni’s gonna need the two best lawyers we can get on her case.” 

 

\------------

 

a week goes by.

 

toni feels like she’s slowly losing her mind.

 

there’s no work to keep her busy, cops posted outside the street to her apartment, monitoring her every goddamn move. she hasn’t spoken to, hasn’t seen cheryl for an entire week. seven days…seven days without the woman she loves.

 

yes…yes, toni’s positive at this point that she’s losing her mind. 

 

"toni? we need your co-operation with this." sierra mccoy's voice is stern, and toni finds her eyes fluttering closed the second she hears it. 

 

this is her second meeting with sierra mccoy and mary andrews, her second attempt at telling them everything about what's happened between her and cheryl, and she knows that _they know_ , deep down...she's screwed.

 

the second toni had mentioned that she and cheryl had kissed at her trailer for the first time, sierra's shoulders had sagged in defeat and mary had let out a long and loud sigh.

 

so if she's fucked from the start...what's the point in fighting?

 

"is there a point?" toni croaks out, still gazing out of the window at those fucking cops that are watching her from their car parked right at the side of the building, watching her every move almost obsessively...

 

toni wonders just how much they're getting paid by clifford blossom to be so goddamn _invested_ in one little black girl from riverdale...

 

"there's always a point, toni...this isn't over yet, not by a long shot." mary says softly, voice much kinder than sierra's, and toni finds herself smiling because it reminds her oh so much of archie, too...

 

"you said it yourself...treating cheryl and then starting something with her was strike number one, but then i started treating archie, too...strike number two. then cheryl moved in, and...strike number three. it's a lost cause, miss andrews-."

 

"i never said it was a lost cause, toni! besides, clifford is suing you for behavioral manipulation and persuasion of cheryl, there's nothing here about him suing you for misconduct or breaking your oath. all we need to do is prove that you haven't manipulated cheryl in any way!" mary says simply. toni simply scoffs and turns to look at her with tears in her eyes.

 

"and what's gonna stop him from adding that charge? what's gonna stop the state from coming for me instead? either way...i did the wrong thing. i did the wrong and whatever comes next...i deserve it." toni whispers, staring back out of the window in despair and grief because she knows she's right.

 

whatever comes next, whether it's jail time or losing her license...she deserves it.

 

"do you love cheryl, toni?" sierra says suddenly. toni looks at her in surprise, sniffs once and wipes away the tears from her cheeks with a roll of her eyes.

 

"what does it matter?"

 

"it does. do you love her?" sierra says, abandoning the many papers she's filing through, dropping them on the coffee table and standing to make her way over to toni, who flinches slightly at her approach.

 

"of course i do. more than i've ever loved anyone before in my entire life." toni whispers, more tears falling before she can stop them.

 

and to her surprise, sierra smiles and reaches out to grip her shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze as she does.

 

"then stop wallowing, and start _fighting_. fight for your right to be together...fight for _her._ " she says firmly. toni's bottom lip trembles, defeat flooding her quickly as she shakes her head.

 

"don't you think i want to? i'm just so tired...and he's too powerful, he has too many connections-."

 

"clifford blossom is a powerful man, yes, but he's not invincible. he's proven that with the fact that he's dying! he's bound to have made a mistake and we're going to find it and exploit it." sierra says simply.

 

and toni, for some fucking reason, feels guilt flood her as she looks up at the woman sadly.

 

"he's dying, mrs. mccoy..." she whimpers. sierra's expression softens, and she sighs and shakes her head before looking at mary with a look toni can't explain.

 

"she feels sympathy for the man that's trying to put her in jail...unbelievable." she scoffs, throwing her arms up in defeat as mary chuckles and makes her way over to them with a sigh, running her fingers through her hair slowly as she does.

 

"you have a good heart, toni. perhaps too good...we'll keep working on it, okay? maybe we can come by tomorrow when you're feeling more like co-operating?" she says simply, and toni purses her lips and nods once in agreement before mary and sierra both begin packing up their things to make their exit.

 

as soon as they're gone, toni flops down onto the couch and just...stays there.

 

she doesn't move from her position on the couch for _hours_ , stares up at the ceiling with tears falling down the sides of her face every few minutes whenever she thinks about the fact that cheryl is at josie’s apartment right now, more than likely feeling the exact same pain she is. 

 

the idea of cheryl being in any kind of pain is what hurts more than anything. 

 

she groans and rolls over onto her side, stares at the wall and tries to get the courage, the energy to get up and just go the bathroom or get a drink of water or just _move_ in general, but her entire body is aching and her ribs hurt and everything…

 

she just wants to see her. just for a second, just for a moment, a _glimpse_ of her…

 

but she can’t. because she signed those goddamn papers restricting her from going anywhere near cheryl. and if she breaks those restrictions…she’ll be thrown into jail, into a dark hole with the key likely thrown before she can even beg for them not to. 

 

so she wallows in her self despair, in her pity, curls in on herself and sobs and sobs and sobs until there’s no moisture in her body left for her to cry out.

 

she has nothing left in her to fight. 

 

nothing left in her to keep going.

 

she knows mary and sierra are just trying to help her, knows they're doing it because toni helped both their children and because archie and josie had practically begged for their help, but she just...

 

she doesn’t see a point.

 

she’s tired of fighting, she’s tired of just _everything._

 

clifford is too strong, and it's time they admit that he's won and it’s over.

 

she lost.

 

\---------------------

 

the text message appears behind her eyes over and over and over again, unable to be erased, burned into her brain...

 

**jason blossom [12:21]**  
_dad's dying, cheryl...can't you just do what he wants? give him this one last wish so he doesn't spend his final months fighting for the company?_

 

it was safe to say now, that jason was not on her side with this, because the second she had received that message, she knew it was over.

 

her relationship with jason was over.

 

she hasn't replied and has no intention of doing so, and part of it hurts, but another part of her is angry. because she knew her father's hold on her brother was strong, but she didn't think he'd willing choose him over her...his own twin, someone who came into this world with him at the same time, shared the same first breath and yet...he had.

 

he chose the company. he chose the greed and the money and the power over her. he chose the company over her, just like clifford did.

 

_like father like son...should've seen it coming-_

 

“cheryl, honey…come on, you’ve gotta take your medication.” 

 

josie’s voice is incredibly soft and incredibly sweet, but cheryl doesn’t exactly feel like complying with what that sweet voice wants.

 

because she doesn’t really want to take her medication. doesn’t really want to do much of anything, but she had a session with veronica just yesterday, and despite veronica’s shock at everything that’s happened…

 

veronica had urged her not to stop her medication, warning that it’d cause consequences she wouldn’t be able to handle right now on top of everything else. 

 

all cheryl wants is toni...but she can't have her. but she knows toni would want her to keep taking it...she knows that...

 

so cheryl pushes herself up and takes the pill from josie’s hand, swallows it down with a glass of water before she buries her face right back into toni’s pillow, refusing to meet josie’s eyes as she does.

 

and josie watches in despair before she makes her way back towards archie at the doorway with nothing but anguish gripping her, her boyfriend watching her with a look of equal worry in his eyes.

 

“josie…i’ve never seen her like this before, we have to do something.”

 

archie’s voice is soft, but filled with so much concern, and josie finds herself feeling nothing but affection for the red haired boy as he stares at his ex-fiancée curled up on josie’s bed with toni’s pillow still clutched to her chest. 

 

josie watches her best friend turn over, eyes puffy and red, whole body trembling, and josie’s heart breaks at the sight.

 

because she loves cheryl. and seeing her with this much sadness and grief...

 

“i know…i hate seeing her in this much pain, too. i can't believe jason sent that message...” josie sighs, blinking back tears and stepping forward as archie pulls her close and wraps his arms around her with a shaky sigh.

 

she still can't believe jason was trying to convince cheryl to just go through with whatever their father wanted...yes, he may be dying, but that didn't give him the right to destroy their lives, how could jason see it that way? josie doesn't understand it-

 

“kevin called yesterday…toni’s just been getting worse. she's co-operating less and less with each passing day that my mom and your mom meet with her, and my mom told me she's looking worse for wear every time she sees her. and cheryl...she’s losing so much weight, josie, and she barely talks to us, it’s too much. they _have_ to see each other, even if it’s just for a little while…” archie whispers, gripping the door and closing it just a little so cheryl doesn’t hear them.

 

not that josie thinks the girl is even listening…

 

“how can we even do that, arch? toni’s not allowed to go near her, and there’s cops outside her apartment to make sure cheryl doesn’t come anywhere near her…” 

 

it’s quiet for a few moments as archie’s grip on her tightens, and he suddenly pulls back and grips josie’s face into his hands, lifting her gaze up to meet his eyes with a soft smile lighting up his face. 

 

“i have an idea…it’s absolutely insane and crazy and could get us in trouble, but-.”

 

“you had me at ‘i have an idea’.” josie says simply. he chuckles, presses a quick kiss to her lips before he frowns and takes her hand, pushing the door open with his free hand and leading her towards the bed where cheryl is curled up with her nose buried into toni's pillow.

 

josie's heart clenches, and archie lets out a shaky breath before he smiles.

 

“cheryl…hey, i have an idea that might be completely crazy, but…if we plan it carefully, we might be able to get away with it.” archie says simply, sitting down on the bed beside her as cheryl looks up at him with a sniffle and a frown.

 

“wh-what are you t-talking ab-about?” she croaks out, voice hoarse, whole body trembling, and it’s then and there that josie decides she doesn’t care how crazy this plan of archie’s is.

 

she’s in.

 

anything to make cheryl happy.

 

\----------------

 

cheryl peeks around the side of the building, and it’s only a few seconds later that she hears archie’s voice echo out _loudly_ from the other side of the building.

 

“hey! you’re cops, can you do your job and help me out here?! this guy just pushed me on the damn sidewalk!” he roars, before moose’s voice echoes out just as loudly.

 

“hey, he shoved me first!”

 

“alright, alright, calm down, gentlemen, what seems to be the problem?” an unfamiliar voice calls out, and cheryl peeks once more, sees the two cops getting out of their car with their backs turned to the building, facing archie and moose. her heart is pounding against her chest wildly, and she knows if they screw this up, toni could be in so much more trouble than she’s already in, they all could, but fuck, it’s been three weeks, and cheryl can’t take it anymore.

 

three weeks without toni has been nothing but torture and she can’t keep doing this to herself.

 

she _has_ to see her.

 

she licks her lips before she feels her phone vibrate in her back pocket, and she pulls it out to see a message from josie.

 

**josie mccoy [15:58]**  
_archie and moose have got their attention, but they can probably only give you five minutes, so get up there fast, girl!_

 

cheryl grits her teeth, pulls the hoodie of archie’s that she’s wearing up higher to cover her flaming red hair before she grips the rungs of the ladder in front of her and slowly begins her ascent, pumping her sore arms and sore body with difficulty, but desperation to get to the second floor.

 

she knows she needs to be careful, if the cops see her…

 

_this is insane...completely insane..._

 

she can't believe she has to go to these extreme lengths just to see her fucking girlfriend, but the thought of toni's face and her smile spurs her on regardless. she hurries her pace, sweat building on her brow despite the chilly air as she reaches the second floor and swings her body around to the landing, her foot extending to land on the bottom step.

 

she climbs up the stairs quickly, being careful not to make too much noise as archie and moose's raised voices begin to fade, muffled from how high up she is now-

 

her heart is racing, anticipation pounding through her at the thought that she might get to see toni right now after three fucking weeks without touching her, feeling her, inhaling her, being _consumed_ by every inch of her…

 

the last week of planning this...it needs to pay off. it _needs_ to, cheryl can't go a second longer with her.

 

she sees the open window of the second floor and immediately grips the frame of the window sill, grunting as she climbs through it as quickly and quietly as she can. as soon as she lands on her feet properly, she runs straight for the staircase, climbs all fucking ten flights of stairs to the twelfth floor before she's throwing open the staircase door and running straight to apartment four, keeping her eyes peeled for any cops in the process, but she sees neither hair nor hide of anyone. the hallways and the staircase are completely empty.

 

_please, please, please, please…_

 

she quickly knocks on the door as soon as she’s in front of it, sweat dripping from her brow, knows toni is going to freak out the second she sees her-

 

but the door opens.

 

the door opens and toni topaz stands before her with bloodshot eyes and the most shocked look on her face and all cheryl can think about is that this is all worth it.

 

the almost getting caught, the planning she, kevin, archie, josie and moose have done over the last week for this to happen, it’s all so, so, so worth it-

 

“cheryl…” toni breathes, her shoulders so visibly relaxing, her entire body almost sagging against the door as the redhead pulls back her hood and immediately pushes toni back into the apartment before kicking the door closed behind her-

 

“cheryl?! what…god, what are you doing-.”

 

cheryl doesn’t give her the chance to finish her sentence.

 

she wraps toni in her arms and kisses her, fingers tangling in her hair and tears falling down her cheeks as a groan of anguish escapes her, and toni simply holds her face in her hands and kisses her back just as passionately, the both of them trembling in each other’s arms at the fact that finally, _finally_ , after three weeks apart…

 

they’re together again. 

 

“i-missed-you-so-much-.” cheryl breathes out between kisses to her full lips, the warmth of her skin beneath her fingertips making her eyes water with tears as toni grips the back of her neck and pulls her into her embrace, burying her head into cheryl’s neck and inhaling deeply as cheryl simply holds her as close as she possibly can.

 

“god, you’re so crazy…” toni croaks out, kissing her neck over and over again as cheryl laughs breathlessly into her hair.

 

“i h-had to…i h-had to s-see you, god, you c-can’t b-begin to understand h-how m-much i miss you-.”

 

“i know…i know, b-baby, i can’t put into w-words how much i’ve m-missed you too…are you s-safe? are you okay? let m-me look at you…” toni pulls back, grips cheryl’s biceps and looks her up and down as cheryl sniffs and smiles shakily.

 

“i’m o-okay. trying my best to h-hold up without y-you. josie and archie have b-been by my side…” 

 

cheryl knows she looks terrible, but truthfully, so does toni. both their hair is frazzled, cheeks and eyes puffy and red, and toni looks skinner than cheryl’s ever seen her, knows she herself has lost weight from barely eating, her mind too occupied with sadness over this whole situation and not being able to help toni with the court case because she couldn't _be here_ with sierra and mary-

 

“how did…god, how d-did you get in, those cops have been outside on the street from the d-day i got arrested-.”

 

“archie and moose distracted them...we've been planning it all week.” cheryl murmurs with a lopsided smile, and toni frowns before she lets her go and rushes over to the window quickly. cheryl pouts at the loss, but stays clear in the hallway as toni pulls back the curtain and raises an eyebrow at the sight on the street below.

 

archie and moose are hugging it out, nodding at the officers and shaking their hands before they both begin to walk their separate ways.

 

“cheeky son's of bitches...” toni mumbles, watching with a grin as archie salutes the two officers before moose looks up at the window and notices toni watching. he throws her a wink before he shoves his hands into his pockets and keeps walking down the street, archie walking the other way as toni pulls the curtain closed and looks back at cheryl, actually taking her in.

 

she's here...she's actually here, three weeks without her and now...now she's here...

 

she rushes back towards her, and before cheryl can do or say anything, toni's gripping her hand and pulling her into her arms once more.

 

“josie will distract them again in a couple of hours so i can get out through the fire escape again…even though i never want to leave...” cheryl breathes into her ear, pressing a kiss to the top of it before toni grips the back of her neck to hold her still, refusing to let her pull away.

 

“shh, let me just hold you for a while…” toni croaks out, and cheryl can’t even fathom the idea of denying her what she wants. toni drags them towards the couch and throws herself down onto the top of it, pulls cheryl on top of her and holds her close, kissing the top of her head over and over and over again while cheryl buries her face into toni’s neck with a whine. 

 

this is all her fault, all her family’s fault, her father’s fault, toni’s suffering right now because of her…

 

“toni...i’m so s-sorry for everything, p-please…p-please forgive m-me-.” cheryl chokes out, unable to articulate, and at her words, toni tucks a finger under her chin to lift her gaze before she’s crashing their lips together desperately.

 

“there is nothing… _nothing_ to forgive, baby.” toni whispers against her lips. cheryl whimpers, grips toni’s shirt between her fingers and shakes her head as she tries to swallow down the lump in her throat.

 

“m-my f-father…he’s the one d-doing all of this to you b-because of me-.”

 

“no, cheryl, not because of you, because of the company…because he wants someone to take over when he dies.” cheryl looks up at her in surprise, isn’t sure how toni could possibly know this-

 

“how did you-.”

 

“archie told his mother you went to confront him, and she told me. cher, you shouldn't have done that-."

 

"i wasn't going to let him get away with this!" cheryl cries, her whole body shaking as toni coos softly and brushes away her tears with a sad smile.

 

"i know, baby...we’re using everything we have against clifford to try and build a case for myself, but, cheryl, it's...i don't think-.” toni trails off, this look of devastation clear in her eyes as cheryl’s bottom lip trembles before she rests a finger over toni's lips to silence her with a shake of her head, refusing to entertain what she's thinking...

 

“d-don’t say that, d-don’t say it’s hopeless-.”

 

“shh…shh, let’s not focus on that right now, okay? i just wanna hold you for as long as i have you, cher…” toni says hoarsely, rubbing her back soothingly as cheryl relaxes back down onto her chest with a shaky sigh. 

 

they stay wrapped in each other’s embrace for god knows how long, the both of them simply holding each other, gentle kisses pressed to skin every once in a while as the sun slowly begins to set, and cheryl doesn’t want to move, wants to stay here with toni for the rest of her goddamn life, but she knows she’ll need to leave before the night ends-

 

“cher?” toni whispers, kissing her hairline and pulling back just as cheryl looks up at her, and she smiles and connects their lips once again, the hand at her back trailing over her spine slowly, causing goosebumps to erupt on her skin-

 

cheryl doesn't know if this is going to be the last time...the last time she ever gets to see her again...

 

“toni…take me to bed.” cheryl breathes against her lips, and without another word, toni slowly pushes cheryl up off her body without removing their lips from each other’s, still kissing her as she adjusts cheryl until she’s straddling toni’s lap, _still_ kissing her as she curls her hands underneath cheryl’s thighs and uses her legs to push into the ground so she can lift her. cheryl wraps her legs around toni’s waist with a wild gasp against her lips, grips her shoulders to keep some of her weight off toni as the pink haired girl walks them down the hallway towards her bedroom with her lips still pressed to any inch of cheryl’s skin she can reach. 

 

cheryl’s back connect with the door to toni’s bedroom, eliciting a hiss of pain from the redhead before she’s kissing toni fiercely and using one of her hands to grab the handle, pushing it down and letting toni push her through it before she leads her towards the bed and lays her down on top of it, lips trailing down her jaw, down her neck, kissing and sucking and biting with a passion cheryl’s never felt before, one that has her back arching off the bed, chests pressed together as toni curls an arm around her back to lift her even further into her embrace-

 

three weeks…three weeks without her, three weeks without _this_ , and just the thought…

 

the thought that toni could actually get arrested for this…could serve jail time all because of her father, that she could truly lose toni forever…

 

it hits her, suddenly and all at once, and cheryl’s crying before she can stop herself, is sobbing wildly and burying her face into her hands as toni whimpers and suddenly straddles her lap before gripping her wrist and pulling her up into her arms, hugging her close and cooing softly into her ear.

 

“shh…ch-cher, it’s okay-.”

 

“it’s n-not okay! it’s n-not, if you…if you l-lose this c-case and i c-can’t ever see you again-.” cheryl gasps out, tears falling down her cheeks as toni presses gentle kisses all over her face, pulling back and resting their foreheads against each other as she brushes her thumbs over her tear stained cheeks…

 

“that’s not gonna happen, cher…god, i’ve wanted to give up so many fucking times these last few weeks, but seeing you now, _holding_ you, _touching_ you, _kissing_ you…you’re so worth fighting for, baby, and i’m gonna fight, okay? i’m gonna fight, cher, i promise i’m gonna fight with everything in me, but i need you to be strong for me too, alright?” toni says fiercely, gripping her face, holding it in her hands, holding her whole _world_ in her hands as cheryl whimpers before she bares her teeth and nods.

 

“okay…okay, okay, i w-will, i’ll stay st-strong-.”

 

“good…good, i love you, cheryl, i love you so much-.” 

 

cheryl cuts her off with a kiss, reaches for the hem of her shirt and quickly peels it up and off her body before they’re falling onto the bed together once more in a mess of tangled limbs and passionate kisses.

 

cheryl loses count of the hours, loses count of many times she loses herself in the feeling of toni’s lips on her body, loses herself in the warmth toni’s fingers provide her, only knows that there’s nothing more she’d rather lose herself in. they stayed wrapped in each other, rocking back and forth, bringing each other to climax after climax, naked skin pressed to naked skin and all cheryl can think about is how much she loves her.

 

how much she loves antoinette topaz and everything she stands for. 

 

the sun has well and truly set by the time they collapse onto the bed with breathless gasps, bodies covered in a slick sheen of sweat and hearts pounding with affection, the sounds of an upbeat new york city on a saturday night echoing outside through the windows, and cheryl doesn’t even know when darkness consumed the room, the drawn curtains keeping any light out of the apartment, but it doesn’t matter for long.

 

because toni reaches over and turns on one of the lamp lights on her bedside table, illuminating the room with at least enough light for them to see each other as cheryl cuddles up into toni’s arms and tangles their legs together, throwing an arm around her waist while toni grips her elbow and traces her fingers up and down her arm, the other playing with her hair softly. 

 

toni kisses cheryl’s hairline, still catching her breath as cheryl kisses her collarbone and holds her impossibly closer. toni sighs, the fingers carding through her hair trailing up and down her spine as she simply rests her lips against cheryl’s forehead.

 

“you probably have to go soon…they’ll get suspicious if they don’t see me roaming around the apartment…” toni murmurs against her skin. cheryl whines, buries her face into toni’s neck as the pink haired girl swallows thickly.

 

“i know…i don’t want you to go, either…” toni whispers sadly. 

 

it’s quiet again for a few moments, the both of them simply tracing shapes and figures onto each other’s sweaty skin before toni suddenly chuckles beneath her hollowly.

 

“god…when did we become ‘romeo and juliet’?” she mumbles, prompting cheryl to snort with laughter even though she finds nothing particularly funny about their situation.

 

“without all the drama and death though, right?” cheryl croaks out, resting her chin on toni’s collarbone to look up at her, and toni looks down at her with a raised eyebrow and a smirk of amusement.

 

“you do know our current situation, right?” she says, another chuckle escaping her that quickly dies as cheryl blinks back tears and purses her lips to stop herself from crying.

 

“yeah…yeah, i guess you’re right.” she says guiltily, swallowing the lump in her throat, but toni tucks a finger under her chin to lift her gaze once again, eyes blazing with sadness and what looks like defeat as she kisses the corner of cheryl’s mouth with a sad smile, this look in her eyes that has cheryl's heart aching.

 

“are we doing the right thing, cheryl? being together?” toni whispers suddenly. cheryl feels her heart fall, feels it clench slightly at toni’s words before she’s looking up at her in shock.

 

“i…why would you question-.”

 

“because falling in love with you...it's wrong, cheryl, it's so wrong, you were my patient, and i was supposed to provide a place of safety and care-.”

 

“and you _did!_ god, you did, toni, and i fell in love with you too! and he’s…god, he’s suing you for what? ‘behavior modification and coercive persuasion’, which are both things you _haven’t_ done! you haven’t brainwashed me, toni, he’s…he’s fucking _insane!_ he’s only doing this because he wants me to marry archie so someone can take over the business, that’s _all_ this is! he doesn’t care about me, doesn’t _love_ me, all he cares about is his fucking business!” cheryl hisses, nails digging slightly into toni’s skin as the girl sighs and purses her lips.

 

"i just-."

 

"no! no, toni, he's already t-taken my m-money, my inheritance, my j-job and my b-brother, he does _not_ get to take you too!" cheryl whimpers, shaking her head furiously as toni lets out a loud and long sigh once again.

 

“i love you, cheryl…i really do, you know i do-.” toni starts, but cheryl pushes herself up and grips toni’s face in her hands, refusing to let her get a word out because she knows what toni's trying to say.

 

she doesn't want to hear it.

 

“then that’s all that matters! don’t doubt us, don’t doubt what we have, toni…we’re _made_ for each other, and any stupid rules that try and tell us we can’t be together don’t matter, okay? all that matters is _us._ ” cheryl says it as passionately as she can, believing every word she’s saying as toni looks down at her with tears in her eyes.

 

but there’s a hope shining in them…a hope cheryl hasn’t seen for a long time. a hope that has her smiling as toni swallows thickly before she nods and presses a kiss right between her eyes.

 

“i love you…” she whispers against her skin.

 

and cheryl pushes herself up and kisses her deeply, lips capturing toni’s bottom one between her own in the softest kiss they’ve ever shared…

 

“and i love you, toni. everything’s gonna be okay, _we’re_ gonna be okay, i believe that… _we have_ to believe that.” she whispers. toni nods numbly against her, smiles and kisses her one last time before she exhales shakily against her.

 

“okay…okay…come here, please, come here…” toni croaks out, and cheryl cuddles up close to her, holds her close as toni presses kiss after kiss to her forehead.

 

“stay…just a little longer, cher…” toni whispers tiredly, prompting cheryl to smile and cuddle closer to her as she kisses her love bitten neck adoringly.

 

“always, toni…always.”


	19. animals trapped in a cage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *taps mic* is this thing on?! hello?!
> 
> hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. it's been awhile. lemme essplain.
> 
> so like uh...life is like hard as fuck huh? like i was working double shifts everyday that had me at work from 7am to about 2am the next morning and man...your girl was exhausted. and then people were like, still demanding updates from me on twitter even though i said i was working a lot, and i tried to stay up all night to write one night and then had work the next morning and fainted from exhaustion and dehydration cause you know, summer and what not...
> 
> basically, it's been a hell of a month. i took a break cause i needed it. and i also decided uhhhh, ya know...fuck it! i'm gonna update whenever the hell i want! no more schedules, no more rushing to push something weekly, staying up all night and making myself crazy for work that is FREE. work that i DON'T get paid for. so...that's that.
> 
> don't know when the next update will be, won't be rushing to get it out, and uh...i hope you guys don't mind!
> 
> also some of y'all are like...BRAAAAAVE on anon man, it's insane. i encourage y'all to like, i dunno, grow a spine or some shit. and also maybe don't be an entitled piece of shit and think that you can attack and harass authors on here for chapters when we've got LIVES outside of the internet and writing fanfic, we're not your own personal entertainment machine, go outside, breathe some fresh air, make some friends and i PROMISE, you'll forget that your favorite fic hasn't updated in a couple of weeks. it's astounding what human interaction can do.
> 
> anyway, rant over, here's the latest chapter, it's angsty cause i'm an asshole and uh, enjoy! my twitter is @endofdaysforme, i've got a CC account linked on there as well if you wanna ask me questions, don't be a shitstain though.
> 
> bye!

“toni?”

 

at the sound of her name, the pink haired girl exhales shakily, her eyes slowly drifting away from the window, away from the cop car perched on the sidewalk of her apartment building to meet the kind eyes of mary andrews, who holds her hand out with a sad smile and an encouraging nod.

 

“it’s time. we don’t want to be late…” 

 

toni inhales sharply before she nods and slowly drags herself away from the window, offering mary a soft smile as she follows her towards the front door where sierra mccoy is waiting for her.

 

first day of court. first day of trial. first day where toni will be forced to only see cheryl from a distance…

 

but at least it’s something. 

 

but god, is it only just going to make it worse? to have her so close and not be able to touch her…

 

she blinks back her tears, tries to fight how hard she wishes she could go back to last week when cheryl had snuck into her apartment, the hours they had shared together, because that moment is gone and now…now she’s here.

 

now she’s awaiting trial. this day right here could either ruin her or help her.

 

she has a feeling it’s going to be the former. especially if clifford blossom gets what he wants…

 

toni in jail. toni no longer allowed to practice her work. toni no longer allowed any contact whatsoever with his daughter, with the woman she loves…

 

“remember what we told you, okay? let us do the talking, only respond when the judge talks directly to you.” sierra says firmly, and toni simply nods numbly as they enter the elevator to make their way down to the parking lot. 

 

“both yours and cheryl’s testimonies have been lodged, as well as clifford’s. they’ll go over them in this session just to get all the details confirmed, then next week’s session is when they’ll likely question some of your former patients.” mary says in a low voice as the doors open. toni smooths out the black blazer she’s wearing, fiddles with the buttons of her white blouse beneath it and purses her lips before nodding again.

 

“everything will ride on that, toni. once those patients step forward and say you never tried to make any advancements towards them, we can likely get the ‘malpractice’ charge dropped…where cheryl is concerned, however…” sierra mutters, resting a hand on her lower back to lead her out to the car waiting for them in front of the police car.

 

“will they question her? put her on the stand?” toni asks hoarsely, pain gripping her at the idea of cheryl having to go on the stand and tell the judge everything about their sessions together, but she tries to force it to the back of her mind as mary nods once.

 

“yes. they’ll likely have psychologists with her next week as well to determine her mental state and whether or not she’s truly been…’brainwashed’, for lack of a better term, but toni…that’s nothing you need to stress about right now. let’s just get through today, alright?” the woman says softly, prompting toni to nod once with her heart racing as the two officers in the police car exit with frowns.

 

psychologists probing into cheryl’s mind, like she hasn’t had enough of that already-

 

“we’ll follow you to the court house. remember, miss topaz, no contact with miss blossom whatsoever. considering this is a legal process, we’re exempting the five hundred feet clause, but you’re not to talk with her, touch her, or make any incentive to initiate physical contact or verbal communication with her. is that understood?” one of the officers says firmly. 

 

toni stares up at him with teary eyes before she nods once, and the officer rolls his eyes, not a single ounce of care for her pain in his heart as he crosses his arms over his chest.

 

“need a verbal response, miss topaz.”

 

“yes…i understand.” she manages to get out. the officer gives sierra and mary a curt nod before he enters his car once more, his partner following suite, and toni swallows thickly as sierra and mary lead her to the black suv in front of the police car, loading her into the back of it before taking their seats on either side of her. 

 

everything seems to go by in a blur, either from how fast their driving or from the tears blurring toni’s vision, she isn’t sure. all she does know is that the queasiness in her stomach grows the longer they ride, to the point where she has half a mind to tell mary to pull over so she can throw up on the sidewalk, but instead, she focuses on taking a few deep breaths in an attempt to calm her nerves.

 

she’s so scared…so scared for herself, so scared for _cheryl_ , and as much as she knows that her former patients and cheryl herself will clear her name, there’s still the fact that she entered a relationship with a patient when she shouldn’t have. either way…she’s going to get punishment for this.

 

and what about clifford? what about his twisted ways? what’s stopping him from slipping a couple grand to the judge to make sure toni goes down for _all_ of this?

 

her heart doesn’t stop racing the entire ride to the court house, wondering if cheryl is okay, wondering if _she herself_ is going to be okay, because everything is riding on this trial, and toni…

 

god, toni just doesn’t understand how everything fell apart so quickly…

 

to have cheryl in her arms one day and then to have her ripped away in the blink of an eye…this shouldn’t be allowed, it’s not _fair_ , all they did was fall in love…

 

when did love become such an illegal thing?

 

once they arrive, sierra and mary quickly exit the car and open the back door for her before any media can rush forward, and toni sees them with their phones and notepads waiting off to the side, her stomach turning at the sight of them-

 

_fucking journalists...bloodhounds..._

 

"quick, go, go, go..." mary says and usher her straight to the door of the gigantic building before them. toni walks into the court house with a feeling of dread pounding through her body as sierra and mary lead her down a bunch of different hallways. everything rushes by in a blur…a blur of what’s to come, of where she is, of _why_ she’s here-

 

“remember, not a word-.”

 

“i know…only speak when the judge talks to me.” toni says firmly, nodding her head as mary sighs and rubs her back soothingly while she attempts to swallow the bile rising in the back of her throat.

 

toni knows she should be thankful for both mary and sierra’s help, but sierra’s head forward approach doesn’t exactly leave her feeling any better about all of this. at least mary is a little more empathetic…

 

“is archie here?” mary asks sierra, who simply shrugs as toni tries her best to remember to breathe when they come to a stop outside of the courtroom their session will be taking place in.

 

right through those doors…right through those doors rests her entire fate and future…

 

“he said he’d be bringing josie and cheryl…i’m uh, not sure when though.” mary says, looking to toni apprehensively as the pink haired woman inhales sharply at the sound of cheryl’s name.

 

she’s coming…she’ll be here soon, and toni isn’t even allowed to so much as look at her…

 

toni closes her eyes, forces herself back into the memories of last week, the feeling of cheryl’s skin beneath her fingertips, the breathy sighs and the moans of pleasure in her ear, every whimper, every cry-

 

“toni?” sierra’s voice breaks through the haze, and toni blinks her eyes open and looks up at her in despair, watching as the woman sighs before she grips toni’s shoulder and gives it a tight squeeze.

 

“don’t make things worse for yourself. i know you miss her, but any form of contact with her, and you’re screwed. you’ll be locked up for disobeying orders strictly set for you by the court of law, and nothing we saw or do or try to prove can save you. the only thing that’s going to end this is if you do what we tell you to do, alright?” sierra says firmly. toni purses her lips and nods firmly, watches as sierra smiles sympathetically at her before-

 

“mom!?” 

 

toni spins around at the sound of archie’s voice, and the second her eyes make contact with the head of red hair beside him, she feels her heart ache and clench with nothing but sadness and want.

 

_oh god…oh god, i can’t do this, i can’t fucking do this-_

 

cheryl’s eyes immediately water with tears, her bottom lip trembling as she begins to make her way towards toni, and before toni can ask sierra to stop her, the police officers who followed them to the court house suddenly march over and step in front of her, blocking toni’s view of her completely.

 

“you’re to make no contact whatsoever with miss topaz during these proceedings, miss blossom.” one of the officers says curtly, and at the sound of cheryl’s whimper of anguish, toni turns her back and shakes her head, unable to stop herself from letting out a quiet wail of her own.

 

“get me away from her, please…i c-can’t-.”

 

“shh, it’s okay, toni, come on…” mary says softly, sighing as she leads her further down the hallway just as archie’s voice echoes out loudly.

 

“come on, man, this is ridiculous, just let them see each other for five minutes!” 

 

“no can do, kid-.”

 

mary leads toni into an empty room to the left, one with a long desk and multiple chairs that toni thinks might be some kind of room for the jury to meet and closes the door behind them, watches her with this look of sadness and sympathy as toni wipes at her eyes and sniffs back more tears that threaten to fall. 

 

she’s not going to win this…she’s not, if clifford doesn’t find a way, then all this time apart is going to drive them both mad…

 

“how…how screwed am i here, mary? no bullshit, just…just tell me.” toni manages to croak out. mary’s shoulders slump, but there’s this optimistic look in her eyes as she purses her lips and shakes her head.

 

“there’s never a clear answer with any case, but if there’s one thing i’ve learned as a lawyer, toni, it’s that you should never stop fighting. not until the gavel hits the table and the judge makes their decision. sierra and i, we’re not going to stop fighting for you and cheryl until that happens, do you hear me?” she says firmly. toni nods numbly, collapses into the seat behind her as the sound of more raised voices echoes outside of the door.

 

“YOU SON OF A BITCH! LET ME SEE HER!”

 

cheryl’s voice is filled with nothing but grief and anger, and toni finds herself clutching her chest at the way her heart aches at the sound of it, wishing more than anything that she could walk out of that door and hold her close…press soft kisses to her hair and reassure her that everything will be okay, even if she has no fucking hope that it will be…

 

“mary?” toni whispers, watching as the red haired woman looks at her before toni lets her tears fall and offers her a pleading smile.

 

“please…go out there and tell her i love her? i just…i think i need a moment alone.” she manages to get out. 

 

mary sighs before she simply nods and grips the door handle, opening the door just as cheryl’s screams echo out once more.

 

“PLEASE, JUST FOR A SECOND-.”

 

the door shuts, and toni collapses into the seat behind her and draws her knees up to her chest, sinks her forehead down against them before she just…lets go.

 

she sobs openly, doesn’t care about her makeup or how much of a mess she’ll look like because of it.

 

she just…cries.

 

and once she starts, fuck is it hard to stop.

 

\----------------

 

“it looks good, cheryl. there’s hope.”

 

archie’s voice is cheerful, filled with hope while all cheryl can do is look away from him as she takes off her earrings and slow settles her trembling body in front of josie’s vanity.

 

because yes, things had gone well today in court. because yes, the judge had gone over all their testimonies, have confirmed the truth they held (and god, did cheryl want to scream when her father’s testimony had consisted of nothing but how ‘erratic’ her behavior has been for the last six months, but somehow, she held her tongue), and had listened to toni talk about her passion for psychiatry, for helping people, and had smiled as toni had described how she was a kid who came from nothing and built herself up to something, had watched him sigh long and hard before he had banged his gavel and adjourned the court for next week to continue.

 

because yes, sierra mccoy and mary andrews had left with triumphant smirks on their faces, and toni had looked like the world had just been lifted off her shoulders, but there’s one thing she hadn’t done.

 

looked at cheryl.

 

throughout the entire goddamn session, toni’s eyes stayed firmly straight ahead, not for a second straying behind her to make eye contact with cheryl, who had been sitting a few rows behind her. not for a second did toni do anything to even acknowledge her existence. 

 

and yes, cheryl knows that toni’s doing this just to keep herself out of trouble, but what if that’s not all this was? what if toni finally opened her eyes to the truth of the sticky situation she’s in?

 

that cheryl is the cause for all of it? that _cheryl_ is the reason for everything bad happening in her life right now? that _cheryl_ is the reason her entire career is on the line right now?

 

the thought has cheryl clutching the vanity between her fingers, knuckles white from how hard she’s holding on in a desperate attempt to stop herself from going under. because her father may have left looking a little annoyed and miffed at how well things had gone in toni’s favor today, but perhaps he’s done the damage he intended to do regardless.

 

caused toni to leave, to leave cheryl behind because she wasn’t worth all the trouble she was currently going through because of her.

 

cheryl wouldn’t blame her if she left…but she at least wishes she could call toni, figure it all out, ask her to deny her suspicions, to help her see that what they were fighting for was worth it, no matter what…

 

she wishes she could just call her, but toni’s phone is tapped, and cheryl doesn’t want to risk putting her friends in trouble by using their phones, has already put them at risk with sneaking into toni’s apartment by visiting her last week, and god, cheryl doesn’t want to put _toni_ at risk either, not now when the trial has officially begun. they’ll be watching toni even closer now, and cheryl can’t put her in that kind of danger…

 

“cheryl? did you hear what i said?” archie says firmly, his warm body stepping behind her as his hands grip her shoulders to give them a reassuring squeeze, and all cheryl can do is nod.

 

nod along and pretend like it’s not eating her up inside, because fuck, _toni didn’t even glance her way._

 

maybe her father has gotten what he wanted. maybe he’s really ended things between them-

 

“i know what you’re thinking. you’re thinking about how toni didn’t even look at you once during the entire session.” archie says with a sigh, prompting cheryl to look up at him in the mirror in surprise. the boy chuckles and looks at her with amusement.

 

“we were dating for almost a decade, cheryl. i know you like the back of my hand. but i need you to listen to me, okay? toni was doing it to keep you _both_ safe.” archie says softly, gently gripping her shoulder and forcing her to turn around before he bends down to his knees to meet her eyes with a kind smile. cheryl sniffs once and purses her lips, but her tears fall regardless.

 

“she didn’t even glance my w-way-.”

 

“she _couldn’t_ , cheryl. but trust me, it was eating her up inside, i could see it on her fucking face, she…this is killing her, too. but what happened today? that’s a victory. the judge couldn’t have looked more empathetic towards her. that’s a _good_ thing! it means we got an unbiased judge who probably won’t be swayed no matter how much money clifford throws at him. he’s doing this fairly, and from the way toni spoke about her job…fuck, she _cares_. just so much…about other people and the pain they’re going through…she’s a good person, the judge can see that.” archie says hoarsely, but cheryl still shakes her head and looks at him in despair. 

 

“and these psychologists i have to meet with? what if my father gets to them-.”

 

“he won’t! cheryl, if he tampers with evidence or does anything to screw with this case, _he’ll_ be the one going to jail, he wouldn’t be stupid enough to do that! listen to me, just…be honest with the psychologists, about _everything_ , and then all those former patients of toni’s will testify that she never did anything wrong and toni will be let go. i believe that with everything in me.” archie says firmly.

 

cheryl licks her dry lips and nods once, bows her head before she wipes away her tears and takes archie’s hands into her own.

 

“were you on the list of patients that needs to testify?” she croaks out. archie’s lips form a thin line before he shakes his head.

 

“no, actually, it surprised my mom, too…josie’s name is on there though, and they’ll probably put you on the stand, too…but we’ve got this, okay? we’re gonna do everything we can to get toni out of this. your father won’t win this round, cheryl, i promise.” archie says, lifting a hand to wipe away her tears as cheryl smiles as best as she can.

 

“okay…thank you, archie.” she whispers. archie smiles and immediately pulls her up and into his embrace, hugging her close as cheryl buries her face into his chest with a choked out sob.

 

“hey, i love you, cheryl. i always will. you’ll always be my best friend, no matter what fucking happens. and i’ll always bend over backwards to make you happy and toni…fuck, toni makes you _happy._ besides…she kind of rubbed off on me. i can see why you fell in love with her.” he grumbles. cheryl pulls back and slaps his arm with a roll of her eyes as he grunts with a soft chuckle.

 

“just saying! she’s not only hot but she’s super intuitive with emotions and shit, too-.”

 

“don’t go falling in love with my girlfriend, archie andrews.” cheryl warns teasingly, lifting a finger to berate him as archie lifts his hands in surrender.

 

“nah, i think she’s too head over heels for _you._ besides…me and josie are doing pretty well.” he says with a toothy grin. cheryl smiles, happiness flooding her for the first time in a long time as she raises her hand brushes her thumb across archie’s cheekbone tenderly.

 

“if anyone deserves to be happy after everything i’ve done to you-.” she starts, but archie cries out and places a finger on her lips to silence her.

 

“nope! gonna stop you there! you did _nothing_ wrong! so stop apologizing. now come on, let’s order some pizza, i’ll call my mom and we’ll see what she thinks the next step is, okay?” cheryl nods once, and archie presses a kiss to her brow and makes his way to the door.

 

“archie…” cheryl whispers, watching the boy before her with nothing but awe and gratitude as he turns to look at her with his hand on the doorknob.

 

“thank you.” cheryl croaks out, smiling as archie’s shoulders slump and the world’s most amazing smile lights up his face as well.

 

“any time, cheryl…any time.” 

 

\---------------------

 

the week goes by. 

 

the week goes by and both cheryl and toni continue to wallow in self-pity and anguish, but the day finally arrives where the next court session is to take place, and toni, for once…feels good.

 

because today, josie and moose will be going onto that stand, and toni knows that with her friends by her side, everything will be okay. moose had even received bad news about his father earlier this week, but had still showed up yesterday to tell her he was going to do everything in his power to get toni cleared of all charges. so no, it’s not herself or her friends she’s concerned with.

 

it’s cheryl she’s worried about.

 

because cheryl is going to have to go in front of a team of psychologists to determine if her ‘mind’ hasn’t been brainwashed by toni, which means they’re going to ask her _about everything_ that’s happened between them. 

 

and frankly, toni’s fucking terrified.

 

but right now, she tries to focus on the way kevin is hugging her close as everyone begins to file into the room, focuses on keeping her head buried into his chest as the sound of cheryl’s heels tapping on the floor echoes out behind her, because toni can’t look at her.

 

there’s cops on either fucking side of her, making sure she doesn’t do so. 

 

“hey, keep breathing, okay? everything’s gonna be fine…” kevin murmurs. toni nods against him and pulls back to look up at him with a sad smile.

 

“i’m sorry that moose is being dragged into this, kev…especially with everything going on with his father right now-.”

 

“hey, that man is nothing but a stubborn bull, and he might be finally seeing the light and accepting moose for who he is right now, but i think it’s still shitty that it took him getting stage four cancer to realize it. besides, moose wouldn’t miss this for the world, you took him out of a dark place, toni.” kevin says softly, tucking a lock of hair behind toni’s ear, but before she can respond, one of the officers taps her shoulder and clears his throat.

 

“you’re cleared to go in now, miss topaz.” he says gruffly.

 

“come on, toni…” mary says, gripping her elbow as she looks up at kevin with a sigh.

 

“thank you, kevin. thank you both of you-.”

 

“no thank you’s needed. get in there, i’ll be right behind you.” kevin says with a wink and a smile. toni chuckles, but lets mary lead her into the court room, the sound of both their heels tapping on the ground echoing out as the buzz around the court room begins to die down.

 

toni doesn’t look at cheryl, _definitely_ doesn’t look at clifford or penelope, but feels a stab of anger that jason isn’t present either, because he wasn’t here last week, and he should fucking be here for his sister-

 

“court is now in session, if you will all please be seated.” the bailiff shouts out, prompting toni to run straight to her seat just as sierra sits down beside her, mary taking the seat on the other side. the judge makes his way into the room, and everyone stands accordingly before he takes his seat, and toni grips the armrests of her chair and settles back into it. 

 

the judge takes his glasses off the desk, places them on his nose and looks down at the files on his desk before he clears his throat and looks up.

 

“we gather here today to continue the trial into the case of blossom v. topaz…as we’re all aware, one mr. clifford cochrane blossom is suing one miss antoinette mercedes topaz of behavioral modification and coercive persuasion of his daughter, one miss cheryl marjorie blossom, while she was under miss topaz’s care as her patient. he is also suing her for unprofessionalism and misconduct in a medical environment, we are here today to analyze and assess miss topaz’s former patients to determine whether these allegations are true, while miss blossom will also be analyzed by a team to determine whether her mental state is in affairs. are we all in agreement for what this session will hold today?” the judge says in an almost monotonous tone, prompting toni to shift in her seat uncomfortably as there’s murmurs of agreement around the room.

 

“very well, bailiff…if you will bring forward our first witness…one miss josephine monique mccoy, if you could step onto the stand, please.”

 

toni finds herself smiling widely as josie steps up onto the stand and takes her place beside the judge, the bailiff coming to a stop in front of her and holding up a bible as he does.

 

“place your left hand on the bible, ma'am. do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth under pains and penalties of perjury in this court of law?” the bailiff says. josie nods once as she places her hand over the bible and holds up her right hand.

 

“i do solemnly swear to do so.”

 

“good, take a seat, miss mccoy.” 

 

as soon as josie’s settled, clifford’s lawyer stands from his seat and buttons up his jacket, looking to toni with a smug smirk before he looks to josie with a long and deep sigh.

 

“i’d like to remind everyone here today that miss mccoy is a friend of miss topaz’s…and would also like to remind _her_ that she has sworn under oath to tell the truth, have you not, miss mccoy?”

 

“well, considering it happened about twenty seconds ago, i don’t think there needs to be a reminder.” josie says coolly. toni hears a scoff from behind her and knows it’s archie, but she refuses to turn to face him, knows cheryl is sitting right beside him…

 

“very well…miss mccoy, when did you begin seeing miss topaz for psychiatric help and for what reason did you do so?” 

 

“about a year and a half ago. my father had passed away and i wasn’t coping very well with the loss. i googled nearby therapists and toni… _antoinette’s_ place of work was the first hit. so i booked an appointment and i went. but it’s been about six months since my last session with her.” josie says firmly. the lawyer grins widely.

 

“i see. and is that because miss topaz made advances towards you-.”

 

“no, not at all! i just didn’t feel the need to continue seeing her, i was feeling better about my father passing, moving past the pain _thanks_ to toni.” josie interrupts stiffly. the judge frowns and looks to her sternly.

 

“miss mccoy, if you could refrain from interrupting the prosecution…”

 

“right, sorry.” she says with a sly grin. 

 

“so…you say miss topaz helped you deal with the loss of your father? how did she do so?” clifford’s lawyer says nonchalantly. josie’s shoulders very visibly tense up, and toni feels nothing but guilt flood her.

 

those sessions were given in peace and privacy, a confidentiality that was now being ruined…all because of her…

 

“we went through the grieving process, something i’d been avoiding. we spoke about my father, and we acknowledged his passing, and toni…toni helped me to see that i shouldn’t mourn his death, but celebrate his life instead.” josie says in a slightly hoarse voice as if she’s keeping back tears, her eyes meeting toni’s before her face splits into a grateful smile. sierra sighs beside her quite solemnly, and toni reaches out to take sierra’s hand into her own, giving it a gentle squeeze as she does. 

 

“and miss topaz never made any kind of advances towards you? never made you feel…uncomfortable with how she behaved?”

 

“no…not with how she behaved. i mean, the confronting my father’s death stuff was uncomfortable, but as if it wasn’t going to be. but she never, _ever_ personally made me feel uncomfortable, or made any kind of sexual advances towards me. she was always friendly, and always helpful. it’s why i suggested cheryl see her in the first place. because she’s not just good at what she does, she’s _amazing._ she _cares_ about her patients, and does everything in her power to help them move forward. i know you don’t care about whether or not she’s a good person, but i can tell you this: she’s a _good_ doctor. she made me feel better than i had in years…” josie says firmly, nodding once and looking to toni with a small smile.

 

toni feels her heart begin to race as clifford’s lawyer purses his lips, but looks to the judge before he shakes his head.

 

“no further questions, your honor.” he states before taking his seat once more.

 

“very well…miss andrews, if you’ll step forward to question the witness-.”

 

“we have no questions for miss mccoy, your honor. we feel it would be a conflict of interest, considering…” mary says simply, looking to sierra, who nods once at the judge before looking to josie with a proud smile. toni looks at the both of them in shock, and mary simply smiles as the judge sighs and looks to josie.

 

“very well, in that case, you may go, miss mccoy.” 

 

“should we really not be questioning josie?” toni murmurs under her breath, and mary smiles before she leans in close to her.

 

“toni, if you’re guilty of nothing when it comes to your other patients, then you have nothing to worry about. josie was raised in court rooms, she knows clifford’s lawyer is going to twist and turn his words to make her admit to something that’s not even true. she knows being honest is the best thing, sierra all but drilled it into her.”

 

“yeah, and the others?” toni sighs. mary simply takes her hand and gives it a squeeze.

 

“like i said…if you’re guilty of nothing, you have nothing to worry about.” she says firmly. the judge rifles through his papers, pulling toni’s attention once more as he looks to the bailiff with a nod.

 

i’d normally call for a five minute recess, but we have quite a lot of witnesses to get through, so…bailiff, if you’ll call on miss veronica cecilia lodge, please.” 

 

toni looks up in surprise, watches as veronica walks through the door to the far left of the court room and lets the bailiff lead her to the stand, and her heart begins racing wildly.

 

because if they question veronica about toni’s relationship with cheryl, veronica can’t lie and say she didn’t know about it.

 

it’s not just her career on the line anymore.

 

but veronica looks as calm as ever as she places her hand on the bible and makes her oath. as soon as she’s seated, sierra stands, looking to clifford’s lawyer stiffly before she walks towards veronica with a smile.

 

“miss lodge, if you could please state your relationship with miss topaz to the court room today?”

 

“of course. miss topaz is my co-worker, we’ve worked together for about two years now as independent psychiatrists.” veronica says firmly.

 

“would you say the two of you are friends?” sierra asks. veronica smiles and nods once.

 

“yes, but it’s not like we spent nights sleeping over at each other’s apartments, braiding each other’s hair. we went out for a drink a couple of times just to help feel normal, it’s hard to wind down when you have so many people with so many problems talking to you day in and day out about them. sometimes we helped each other out if we were stuck on how to help one of our patients…our relationship has always been professional… _toni_ has always been professional.” veronica says smoothly. sierra nods once.

 

“and did you ever suspect that there was any kind of misconduct going on with miss topaz in her office or with any of her patients?” sierra asks simply. toni sucks in a breath, but to her surprise, veronica shakes her head.

 

“no, never. like i said, miss topaz has always been professional. she cares about her patients a lot, but hell, that’s half the job. we all care about our patients.” veronica says with a shrug. toni looks at her in shock, but it slowly dawns on her that technically, veronica hasn’t fudged the truth here.

 

she never suspected toni or cheryl…toni’s the one who _told_ her about it that day…

 

_sneaky little bitch, god i love her…_

 

“and is it true that miss topaz handed over miss blossom’s case to you?” sierra asks. veronica nods once again.

 

“yes. miss blossom has been my patient for about five months now.” veronica says. sierra smiles and makes her way back over to the desk, picking up a file and flipping through it before she makes her way over to the judge.

 

“your honor, miss topaz’s testimony, where she very clearly states that she and miss blossom have only been in relationship for the last two months, well past the time that she handed over miss blossom’s case to miss lodge, therefore no longer making her miss blossom’s doctor-.”

 

“objection, your honor, just because they began _dating_ two months ago, does not mean they were not engaging in sexual activity before then while miss topaz was miss blossom’s doctor!” clifford’s lawyer yells. 

 

“overruled, you have no evidence to confirm that, and miss topaz’s testimony matches miss blossom’s, stating they began a romantic relationship two months ago. their testimonies also match in stating that any kind of relationship they had begun early august, miss lodge’s records show her first session with miss blossom took place in july.” the judge says simply. 

 

clifford’s lawyer is almost red in the face as he sits back down with a huff, and toni only has a slight sliver of hope flood her before she takes in clifford’s face and it all comes crashing down.

 

because he’s smirking.

 

and toni knows that smirk can’t mean anything good.

 

“no further questions, your honor.” sierra’s voice pulls toni’s gaze away from the man ruining her life as she takes her seat beside toni once more.

 

“very well, mr. turner, if you’ll question the witness.”

 

toni feels her shoulders tense up as soon as clifford’s lawyer stands, his eyes firmly on veronica as he smirks and nods at her once, making his way towards her like the fucking viper he is-

 

“so you’re telling me, miss lodge, that you never for a second suspected miss topaz could try to seduce one of her patients?” he asks simply. veronica scoffs and clenches her jaw before she shakes her head firmly.

 

“no. miss topaz never expressed any sexual interest in any of her patients. we all read the rulebook, we all read the oath when we became doctors. she obeyed it just as much as i did.”

 

“except when it came to miss blossom.” clifford’s lawyer states. veronica clenches her jaw again before she suddenly smiles widely.

 

“as it’s been stated plenty of times before, miss blossom became _my_ patient before anything happened between them.” veronica says. clifford’s lawyer scoffs.

 

“and you never thought to question it? question why she was suddenly turning over one of her patients to you?” he asks derisively.

 

“psychiatrists hand over patients to other psychiatrists all the time, especially if they feel another psychiatrist would be better suited to that patient’s case. i didn’t think anything of it at the time.” veronica says simply. 

 

_damn, she’s good…looks like archie and josie aren’t the only ones who know their way around a court case…_

 

“and you never thought to keep a close eye on miss topaz at all?” clifford’s lawyer asks. veronica frowns in confusion.

 

“why would i keep a close eye on her?” she asks. clifford’s lawyer smiles widely.

 

“well, as you were more than likely aware before today, miss topaz identifies as bisexual, which only increases the promiscuity of her ways-.”

 

“objection, your honor, that is a defamatory and malicious allegation to make, just because my client isn’t at zero on the goddamn kinsey scale, does not make her any more promiscuous or philandering than someone who is!” sierra shouts at the top of her lungs, jumping out of her seat in anger as the judge raises a hand to silence her.

 

“sustained! mr. turner, miss topaz’s sexuality has nothing to do with why she is here today, i’ll ask you to not bring that up again.” he says sternly, and toni’s mind is reeling, but everything’s happening so quickly-

 

nothing about her is sacred or personal to these goddamn fucking assholes-

 

“of course your honor, my apologies, i’m simply stating that miss lodge should have been aware that miss topaz was someone who found attraction to both genders and therefore, should’ve questioned why-.”

 

“i didn’t question anything because toni is good at her job! we can’t help who we fall in love with, and who we feel a connection with! but if you want my professional opinion, toni did the right thing by handing cheryl’s case over to me, and they didn’t start anything until well after toni had terminated the professional relationship between them!” veronica barks. 

 

“that didn’t last very long now, did it, miss lodge?! they were living in the same damn apartment when miss topaz was apprehended!” clifford’s lawyer yells-

 

the judge bangs his gavel twice.

 

“order! i will ask you to calm yourself, mr. turner!” he shouts. clifford’s lawyer clenches his jaw, and toni has no idea what the fuck is going on anymore before veronica suddenly stands up and glares at clifford’s lawyer angrily.

 

“cheryl was no longer toni’s patient! toni didn’t pursue anything with her until after she terminated the professional and medical relationship between them! i’ve read the rulebook back to front a hundred times, as i’m sure you’ve read the book on the laws of america, mr. turner. i know you want to argue that any relationship between a doctor and a patient is considered sexual abuse because no consent can be given, but you and i both know, again, that toni _terminated_ the professional relationship she had with cheryl by handing over her case to _me._ ” veronica takes a deep breath in before she looks to the judge suddenly.

 

“toni is an amazing therapist and an even better human being! she spends her weekends in riverdale, going to the rec center on the southside to give free therapy sessions to the kids there so they don’t turn to a life of crime, and you’re all here trying to accuse her of committing one? she’s…she’s a fucking good person, and she’s done nothing wrong here, and as far as i’m concerned, this entire court session is a waste of time and money! just goes to show what a man with a lot of money in his pockets can do!” veronica seethes, looking, much to toni’s surprise, at clifford in anger as the judge bangs his gavel again and lets out a long and deep sigh.

 

“alright, enough. miss lodge, you may go." veronica jumps up and makes her way off the stand, looks to toni with a sad smile and a nod as toni blinks back tears and watches as clifford and his lawyer exchange glances just as the judge goes to stand.

 

"we’ll take a five minute recess. i ask everyone to adjourn back here by 12:04-.”

 

“actually, your honor, my client would like to proceed. as you know, mr. blossom is a very busy man running a very busy company, he’d like this over and done with so he can attend to his affairs.” clifford’s lawyer says promptly, looking to the man in question, who glances down at his watch with an annoyed sigh.

 

this is simply bothersome for clifford. an inconvenience, like a dentist’s appointment or servicing a car.

 

for toni? for toni, this is her whole career, her whole _life_ on the line here…

 

“i see…very well, bailiff, bring out the next witness…mr. marmaduke harrison mason.” 

 

toni scratches at her forehead absentmindedly, watches guiltily as moose makes his way to the stand. his eyes are wide, bloodshot and puffy as toni wishes more than anything that she could give him a hug and tell him to just go and be with his father…

 

he shouldn’t be here right now, he should be spending what little time he has left with that man by his side-

 

“place your left hand on the bible, sir. do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth under pains and penalties of perjury in this court of law?” the bailiff says.

 

moose bites down on his bottom lip before he nods once. the bailiff sighs and cocks an eyebrow at him.

 

“gonna need a verbal response, son.” he deadpans.

 

“y-yeah, i…i do.” moose chokes out. toni frowns, looks behind her very quickly to see kevin looking at moose with nothing but confusion as his boyfriend takes his seat on the witness stand.

 

moose looks way too upset right now to just be thinking about his father...

 

clifford’s lawyer jumps up immediately, makes his way over to moose, but all toni can zero in on is the smug grin on clifford’s face.

 

the smug grin that tells her that something’s wrong…something’s so fucking wrong here-

 

“mr. mason, how long ago were you a patient of miss topaz’s?” clifford’s lawyer asks. moose swallows thickly, his eyes flicking over to look at toni briefly before he bows his head and mumbles something.

 

“what was that, mr. mason? we need you to be clear and concise, please.” clifford’s lawyer says quite loudly. moose’s bottom lip trembles before he looks up at him with nothing but anger.

 

“three years ago.” he says firmly. 

 

“and how long were you a patient of hers for?”

 

“year…year and a half.” moose mumbles, his head bowed once more, and toni feels her stomach begin turning, bile rising in the back of her throat as clifford’s lawyer looks back at the man himself, who taps on his watch as if to tell him to hurry things up…

 

_something's not right, something's not fucking right..._

 

“so quite some time ago…i'm just going to get straight to the point here, so tell me, mr. mason…in that year and a half, did miss topaz ever make any sexual advancements towards you that made you…uncomfortable?” clifford’s lawyer asks softly.

 

and somehow, without even really knowing how it happens…everything _clicks._

 

and despite it not being true, despite it being nothing but a fucking lie, toni knows what he’s going to say before he even says it.

 

because moose looks like he’s about to vomit, face covered in sweat and tears and clifford looks like he’s just won the fucking lottery-

 

“y-yes, she…she did, she kissed me in one of our l-last sessions, it’s why i s-stopped seeing her-.”

 

“YOU FUCKING LIAR!” 

 

cheryl’s scream tears through the entire courtroom, followed very quickly by-

 

“WHAT THE FUCK, MOOSE!”

 

kevin, god, kevin, his voice is so loud, everything is so loud, there’s screaming, more screaming, cameras flashing, more screaming, from cheryl, from kevin, from mary and sierra, from clifford’s lawyer and all toni can do is close her eyes and let her tears fall.

 

she really thought she was going to win this…she really thought she had a chance, how could she have been so fucking naïve…

 

there’s so much going on, so much white noise, black noise, grey noise, red noise, all just…pollution, clouding her brain, making her mind fuzzy, and she hears the sound of the gavel banging, but she can’t register anything until mary’s gripping her arm and tugging her up out of the seat.

 

“court’s adjourned, go to the bathroom, toni, don't talk to the media, don’t show them any weakness, just go! run!” sierra hisses into her ear, and toni throws herself out of her chair and runs straight down the pews. 

 

cameras are immediately clicking in her face, words and incoherent sentences thrown at her by the savages with notepads desperate for a story, and for toni, all she knows is that she's done.

 

it’s over, that’s it, she’s lost, her career is done, her life is done, she’ll probably be thrown in jail now, it’s just…

 

all over.

 

\------------------

 

“TONI! TONI, WAIT!” cheryl scrambles to push past archie, past the other bodies blocking her way to the door out of this nightmare courtroom as the cops standing guard rush forward to calm the crowd of people and media down, and cheryl runs straight through those double doors as fast as she can before anyone can see her, looks around desperately before she follows the flash of pink hair all the way down the hallways through to the left, into the girls bathroom-

 

the cops didn’t see her, no one must’ve seen her, now’s her chance, she _has_ to talk to toni-

 

cheryl just manages to get through the door when the sound of toni coughing echoes out, the sound of her sobbing as the stall door slams against the wall from her hurried pace in, and cheryl freezes for just a moment and holds back a whimper of anguish before she slowly begins to step closer.

 

they haven’t had contact in two weeks…and before that, it had been another two weeks…fuck, they can’t keep living like this, like animals trapped in a cage for clifford's entertainment, unable to talk or touch each other…

 

“toni?” cheryl rounds the corner, almost collapses at the sight of toni’s hunched body, and reaches out with a trembling hand, rubs toni’s back that’s hunched over the toilet bowl as she coughs once again before she suddenly throws her arm out behind her to push cheryl’s own hand away from her body.

 

“m-making it w-worse-.” toni manages to choke out through the tears and bile, but right now, fuck, right now, the last thing on cheryl’s mind is any kind of fucking repercussions from this bullshit.

 

“i don’t fucking care. not right now, just…hey, shh…”

 

she grips toni’s hand, interlaces their fingers and feels nothing but euphoria and happiness and ecstasy flood her just at the _feeling_ of that familiar skin beneath her fingertips, lifts toni’s hand to kiss her knuckles because she can’t fucking help herself before she gathers the hair at the nape of her neck, pulling it back away from her face as she coos softly while toni simply…cries.

 

she’s gripping the toilet bowl, her arms trembling so weakly, and all cheryl can do is rub her back and hold her hair from her face and try her best not to break down, too, because that…

 

that was not supposed to fucking happen.

 

why would moose do this?! 

 

“m-my f-friend, s-supposed to b-be my f-friend-.” toni sobs heartbrokenly, clutching her chest as she sinks against the wall and collapses down it, her hands gripping her hair as tears stain her cheeks, cheryl watching in despair as the woman she loves just collapses in defeat against the stall, helpless to do anything about it-

 

why the fuck would moose do this?

 

“why…wh-why would he lie, toni?” cheryl whispers, crouching down beside her and brushing toni’s hair from her face as she shakes her head in anguish.

 

“i don’t know…i don’t know…” toni whines, her palms digging into her eyes as cheryl wipes away her tears and runs her fingers through toni’s hair. the girl looks up at her, all bloodshot eyes and puffy cheeks and she’s still the most fucking beautiful thing cheryl’s ever seen in her entire life.

 

_fuck, moose, why…just why?_

 

“what d-does this mean going forward, toni?” cheryl croaks out. she doesn't understand, what happens now? is toni going to be arrested? thrown in jail, she...she can't be, she _can't_ , cheryl can't fucking lose her-

 

toni stares at her blankly, blinks a couple of times before she purses her lips.

 

“you c-can’t be h-here-.”

 

“no, fuck that right now! toni, why would moose lie? why would he do this to us, to _you?!_ ” cheryl whispers, still in disbelief, still not quite able to understand how this could’ve happened, how or why, god the million dollar fucking question-

 

why would moose lie? unless…unless he’s _not_ lying-

 

_oh fuck off, that’s fucking **ridiculous!**_

 

no, right, of course it is, but then…why would he lie?! what purpose does lying serve him, cheryl doesn’t understand-

 

“you think he’s telling the truth.” toni suddenly breathes. cheryl’s eyes widen, her thoughts erased and her heart clenching and dropping to somewhere beneath her toes as she stares at toni in utter disbelief, the woman looking back at her equally so.

 

“what?! what, fuck, of _course_ not, toni, did you not hear what i shouted at him-.”

 

“it was there. just for a second, just now, i s-saw it.” toni whispers hoarsely, her shoulders slumping, her entire body sagging against the stall wall as cheryl blinks rapidly, trying to wrap her incredibly frazzled mind over just what the fuck toni is trying to say here-

 

“saw what?! what are you talking about-.”

 

“you hesitated.” toni deadpans, her eyes growing distant as she clenches her jaw, while cheryl tries to understand how the _fuck_ toni managed to see a fucking _millisecond_ of hesitation that barely even existed.

 

because no, she knows moose is fucking lying, there’s absolutely, positively no _fucking way_ he’s telling the truth-

 

“t-toni, i-.”

 

“you think i did that, huh? you think i’m capable of something like that? you think he’d be dating my best friend if he was uncomfortable around me? is that what you're thinking? that i'd do that to someone? i did it to you, why wouldn't i do it to someone else?” toni says firmly, her words cold suddenly, harsh and biting, and cheryl finds herself retaliating just the same because toni has _never_ fucking spoken to her life this before, not with this tone, this _anger_ , it’s not normal, it’s fucking not and she won’t tolerate it, why the fuck should she-

 

“hey, w-we're different and you know it, don't start that shit...i know he’s lying, okay? i know he is-.”

 

“get out.” toni says simply, her hands gripping the toilet seat to push herself up and make her way out of the stall as cheryl sits there, frozen and in shock for about an entire minute while toni cleans up.

 

no…no, no, no, no this isn’t happening, no, no, cheryl won’t allow this to fucking _happen-_

 

“wh-what? t-toni, wait-.”

 

“get out, cheryl, fuck, you shouldn’t even be talking to me!” toni hisses, gripping the sink between her fingers tightly as cheryl reaches out to touch her because there’s no fucking way she’s leaving when…when _this_ is happening, no way-

 

“toni, i d-don’t believe him, you _have_ to know that-.”

 

“you hesitated! i saw it, cheryl, i’m not fucking crazy!” toni shouts, her jaw suddenly clenching shut as her voice echoes out before she smacks her forehead against the mirror in front of her, not lightly, but not enough to break the glass at least while cheryl watches on in horror.

 

“i d-didn’t say you were-.”

 

“just get out! you’re making things worse, don’t you understand that?! being here, talking to me, you’re making it _worse!_ ” toni whispers fiercely, turning to look at her with tears falling down her cheeks as cheryl bites down on her bottom lip to stop herself from crying.

 

why, why is toni asking her to leave, she can’t fucking leave like this, not with toni thinking that she believes moose, she _doesn’t_ , not for even a moment, she can’t leave without toni knowing that but fuck, she’s not letting her get a word in-

 

“toni, don’t ask me to leave, not like this-.” she tries to get out, but toni shakes her head and turns her back on her once more.

 

“cheryl…please, please, just get out, i c-can’t do this right now! just get _out!_ ” toni pleads, nails digging into the marble counter top while cheryl feels her heart begin to collapse on her slowly, beating weakly while her mind spins and her eyes burn.

 

_this isn’t happening…_

 

“don’t do this…don’t do this to us, toni, not wh-when we can’t even c-contact each other and t-talk about this…”

 

toni stays quiet. doesn’t move. doesn’t speak. doesn’t make any indication that she acknowledges that cheryl is still there.

 

“toni, p-please-.”

 

the sound of knocking on the door has them both jumping, and cheryl’s heart can’t possibly take any more chaos-

 

“cheryl? it’s sierra, you’ve got about twenty seconds to get out of here before the media rushes out of that court room and the cops come here to take toni home. if they find you in there together, it won’t be pretty.” sierra says firmly.

 

twenty seconds to make this right…not enough time, it’s not enough fucking time-

 

he won...clifford fucking won.

 

“toni, i…i l-love you. d-don’t forget that, p-please.” cheryl whispers, and with that, she turns on her heel and runs straight through the door, almost knocks into sierra and somehow manages to throw herself into archie’s arms despite everything being a gigantic fucking blur before her former fiancé is leading her out towards the entrance of the courthouse as quickly as he can while she clings to him and weeps and weeps and weeps.

 

“cheryl…what the fuck happened in there?” archie breathes out, all but dragging her towards the door, and cheryl doesn’t respond because the truth is, she has no fucking idea.

 

but whatever it was, it’s thrown not just toni, but their entire relationship to the wolves. 

 

and cheryl’s pretty sure that she won’t be able to fix it.


	20. the other half of my entire heart and soul

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let's just get into it, shall we?
> 
> i have nothing to say about certain things that have happened on twitter and i deleted CC, so *shrug emoji* i'm sorry to those who were enjoying asking me questions on CC, i really liked it too, but one spoiled apple rots the bunch or whatever that saying is. but still, i'm sorry.
> 
> anyway, here's the chapter, it's long as always, and it's angsty, as always, and no, i don't know when the next one will be up, but hopefully soon! 
> 
> twitter: @endofdaysforme

“so…i guess this explains all the cigarette ash that archie found on the balcony of your old apartment…”

 

cheryl jumps only slightly at the sound of josie’s voice, but doesn’t even turn to face her best friend as she takes another drag from the cigarette between her fingertips, pursed lips sucking in the toxic fumes for some form of relief before she blows the smoke out ahead of her with her feet dangling off the edge of the balcony she’s sat on, her free hand gripping the railing to keep herself steady.

 

how has it only been a few hours and yet cheryl already feels like she’s losing her mind?

 

she has no idea what’s going on outside this apartment, has desperately asked archie and josie over and over again to call their mothers, but they’ve refused, because they know that once they have all the information and a plan in motion, cheryl will be the first person they call.

 

and cheryl understands their logic, that it’s better to get all the information at once instead of calling every ten minutes, but fuck, she’s desperate and she’s _scared._

 

the look of betrayal in toni’s eyes…cheryl can’t get it out of her head, and god, she wants nothing more than to hold toni in her arms and reassure her that there _was no_ hesitation, that cheryl doesn’t believe for a _second_ that moose was telling the truth…but she can’t. 

 

because she’s not allowed to see her.

 

_god, this situation is so fucking fucked up…_

 

“since when do you smoke, cheryl?” josie asks hoarsely, sighing as she collapses down beside her and suddenly reaches for the cigarette between her fingers. cheryl lets her, doesn’t even have anything in her to fight her on it and watches as josie takes a drag with an almost refined expertise. 

 

“has…has archie heard anything?” cheryl manages to croak out, ignoring josie’s question as the girl sighs and rubs her right eye tiredly with a shrug, exhaling a large amount of smoke as she does.

 

“not yet, but it’s only been a couple of hours…i’m sure his mom and mine are busy talking to toni about her next options-.”

 

“and what _are_ her next options? moose has practically dug her grave and thrown her in it now, fuck…i can’t believe he’s done this, why would he _lie_ like this? i…i have to call kevin right now-.” cheryl goes to stand, but josie grabs her wrist and tugs her back down, handing her the cigarette back with a shake of her head.

 

“you need to be patient, cheryl-.”

 

“i can’t, josie! i…i can’t sit here and do _nothing_ , if i can’t see toni and tell her that i don’t believe a word of what moose said, then i have to do _something_ to _prove_ it!” cheryl hisses, the smoke billowing from her mouth in harsh clouds from the puffs of breath that escape her exasperated words while josie purses her lips and shakes her head.

 

“cheryl, toni knows that you don’t believe him-.”

 

“you didn’t see her face. you didn’t see the look in her eyes…” cheryl whispers, tears welling immediately in her own at the memories that flood her, the look on toni’s face of disbelief, of anguish and anger, and fuck, cheryl doesn’t understand how it could all come crashing down, it was just…

 

it was just one _tiny fucking millisecond_ of doubt, that’s it…

 

“look, the best thing you can do for toni right now is meet with those psychologists, have them determine you’re fit to go on the stand as a witness and just…tell them the _truth._ tell them that toni hasn’t brainwashed you, that the both of you just…fell in love. like people _do._ ” josie says firmly. cheryl blinks back tears and looks up at her best friend with a trembling bottom lip.

 

what is it going to solve? what is any of it going to solve, toni is probably more than upset with her and cheryl…god, she’s so tired…

 

“she hates me, josie…she h-hates me-.” cheryl chokes out, but before she can continue, josie tosses the cigarette over the side of the balcony and grips cheryl’s hand into her own tightly.

 

“no, no fucking way, cheryl! you don’t get to break down right now, okay? you need to fight harder than ever now so these charges can be dropped and you can talk to toni about all of this and put it behind you! she _loves_ you and you know it! there has to be an explanation for all of this, and sitting here crying about it isn’t going to solve anything!” josie hisses under her breath passionately, squeezing cheryl’s hand and looking at her with a firm nod that has cheryl inhaling and exhaling shakily before she nods as well.

 

toni. she has to do this for toni…for the girl who held her close and brushed away her tears while she sobbed over the family that disowned her…for the girl who’s made her feel happier than she’s pretty sure she’s ever felt in her entire life, she has to do this for _her…_

 

“alright…okay i c-can do this-.”

 

there’s the sound of a loud knock at the front door, only slightly muffled by the sliding door closed shut behind them as cheryl stands up, shrugs her coat around her body closer to keep herself warm before she opens the sliding door and re-enters the apartment just as archie emerges from the living room and opens the front door with a frown on his face.

 

they’re met with none other than the sight of kevin keller, eyes bloodshot red and puffy as he sniffs once and avoids eye contact with every single one of them, eyes straight down to the floor beneath his feet. cheryl’s heart falls down to her feet at the sight of him, and for a second, she fears that something’s happened to toni, but it quickly hits her that kevin is dating moose, and had showed just as much shock at his words as cheryl in the court room…

 

he didn’t know this was going to happen, either.

 

“c-can i come in?” he croaks out. archie looks to cheryl, who nods once with pursed lips before archie steps aside and kevin slowly makes his way inside.

 

“your mom gave me the address to your apartment, i hope you don’t mind…” kevin says to josie, looking up at her only briefly as josie offers him a small smile and a shake of her head.

 

“of course not, it’s fine.” she says simply. kevin sniffs again, and when he looks up once more, his eyes meet cheryl’s.

 

they stare at each other for a long time before kevin’s bottom lip trembles, this low whine of anguish escaping him as he shakes his head and bounces on the balls of his feet as he drops his head to the floor in shame.

 

“i’m s-sorry, cheryl! i’m s-so fucking sorry!” he chokes out, shaking his head as tears splash onto the wooden floor while cheryl watches him in despair.

 

“why?” is all cheryl manages to get out, stepping forward hesitantly as kevin shakes his head and suddenly grips his hair with this loud and shaky exhale.

 

“m-moose ran off as soon as the court session ended, and…and he hasn’t b-been answering my c-calls, so i went b-back to toni’s, and she…she’s a mess, and i d-don’t know what to do-.”

 

“hey, slow down, start from the beginning…come on, sit.” archie says softly, gripping kevin’s shoulder and steering him towards the couch as cheryl’s knees buckle and she collapses against the tv cabinet, her back pressed against the wood and her eyes watching kevin and kevin only as he takes a couple of breaths in and nods.

 

“i…i didn’t know m-moose was gonna do that! he t-told me he was just gonna tell them that toni never made any moves on him or anything like that…said he was going to tell them the truth, and then…god, i don’t know what happened, i l-left him to tend to toni and then he took the stand and he just looked…i don’t know, nervous almost. but t-toni, she…she _never_ did what he said she did, cheryl, you have to believe that-.”

 

“of course i don’t believe moose! why would he date the best friend of the woman who sexually harassed him? why would he continue to hang around someone who did that to him?! i’m not questioning toni, kevin, i’m questioning why the _fuck_ moose would do something like this!?” cheryl screams, unable to contain her anger and her frustration as she clenches her fists and digs her feet into the floor to stop herself from throwing something, and kevin looks to her in despair as he whines and shakes his head, burying it into his hands harshly.

 

“i don’t know! i don’t know why he lied, i…t-toni said something about your f-father when i went to see her-.”

 

“wait…what?” archie breathes, his eyes widening as he looks back and forth between kevin and cheryl while josie’s mouth drops open in shock, but cheryl simply stares straight ahead, kevin’s words barely processing in her mind as he nods once.

 

“sh-she said that she th-thinks clifford might’ve paid moose off to l-lie because he gave her this look when moose took the stand…she th-thinks clifford might’ve given him the money to g-get his father the treatment he needs, he’s…he’s sick, and moose is just starting to repair his relationship with his dad-.”

 

“so he’s willing to throw toni to the wolves for some blood money?” archie growls, glaring at kevin as he looks up at archie with a slow hiccup and a look of sadness.

 

“his d-dad is finally starting to accept him for who he is…losing him now would ruin moose’s life, and he’s really sick-.”

 

“that doesn’t justify him accepting money to _lie_ on the stand, kevin! he’s ruining toni’s life, doesn’t he know that?!” archie barks. kevin whimpers as he drops his head in shame and nods once.

 

“i kn-know…”

 

it’s quiet for a few moments, all of them processing everything that’s been said, and all cheryl can think about is that toni is right, because she knows toni is right.

 

this is her father’s doing, it has his fucking fingerprints written all over it, god…cheryl should’ve known he’d do something like this to make sure he wins the case, clifford blossom doesn’t fucking lose-

 

“we have to tell someone. the judge, or-.” josie starts, but kevin suddenly shakes his head wildly, looking up at all three of them frantically.

 

“what?! n-no, you can’t! if you tell them, moose will be charged with lying under oath, he’d get in trouble-.”

 

“yeah, well, it’s what he deserves.” archie hisses. kevin’s look of despair quickly turns into anger as he jumps up and glares at archie angrily, his defensive hackles rising as his shoulders tense up almost immediately while archie also stands as well.

 

“s-stop! he didn’t want to do it, moose _loves_ toni!” kevin cries out.

 

“apparently not enough to save her life!” archie growls back, taking another step closer to the man before him, but kevin, as loyal as ever to the boy he loves, stands his ground and clenches his fists with a light growl.

 

“shut up, archie! you don’t know moose, and you know what? you don’t know toni, either! we’ve known her for a lot longer than any of you have! _she’s_ the one who told me not to say anything because it’d get moose in trouble!” kevin says harshly, poking archie’s chest as the man’s face turns as red as the hair on top of his head at the action.

 

“that’s bullshit, keller! why would she throw away her only chance of winning this case-.”

 

“because it’s toni.” cheryl finally manages to pipe up. both men look down at her in surprise at the sound of her voice, and cheryl somehow manages to hug her knees as close as physically possible to her chest, resting her chin on top of them and looking up at the both boys with silent tears tracking down her cheeks.

 

“because it’s toni…” cheryl repeats with a whisper.

 

because it’s toni, brave, beautiful, _selfless_ toni topaz, who would probably throw herself in front of a train for a stranger to save their life…and moose is her fucking friend…

 

“this isn’t fair, cheryl. your father can’t be allowed to get away with this, bribing a witness to lie on the stand is _illegal_ -.” josie starts again, but cheryl simply shakes her head and looks up at her best friend with a sad smile.

 

“we have no proof. and toni’s right, if we say something, moose gets in trouble…we’re stuck.” cheryl sighs in defeat, sinks back against the cabinet and tries to come to terms with the fact that it’s over.

 

it’s really over.

 

she’ll never see toni again, will never get to touch her, smooth, dark skin beneath her fingertips…or smell her, the scent of hibiscus and crisp shower gel mixed with lavender…

 

the warmth of her body pressed against her own, the soft sound of her laugh, or the way she scrunches up her nose before she sneezes, or how she’s ticklish around the neck and just beneath her third toe on the right foot…the way she always purses her lips when she’s thinking too hard, or how she always somehow manages to touch some part of cheryl’s body when they’re both asleep, an arm draped over her waist or dark fingers interlaced with her own pale ones…

 

she’ll never see or feel or touch or hear her ever again…

 

“hey…hey, cheryl, no, it’s not over, we can still win this.” kevin says firmly, suddenly bending down in front of her and taking her hands into his own as he sniffs back more tears, bringing her hands to his lips to press a kiss to her knuckles, something that has cheryl biting back a whimper at the familiarity of it all, and how she oh so much wishes it was a different set of lips kissing her hands…

 

“how?” cheryl barely manages to get out, more tears falling before she can stop them. kevin simply wipes his tears on his sleeves and gives her a look of pure determination.

 

“you still need to go on the stand. you have to convince the judge that you weren’t brainwashed, that there was no behavior manipulation or coercion on toni’s end! if you do that, we can at least get those charges dropped-.”

 

“he’ll still find her guilty of work malpractice. of sexually harassing a patient…she’ll lose her license, might even go to jail…” cheryl breathes, because it’s the truth. now that moose has confirmed the supposed illegality of toni’s practice, there’s no hope.

 

the very thought of toni in an orange jumpsuit suddenly makes her scoff as she looks up at kevin with wide eyes, her delirium and exhaustion of everything that’s happened finally getting to her.

 

“her h-hair won’t look good against orange…” she whispers, and just like that, she’s laughing, hysterically laughing to the point where all three people in the room are watching her in disbelief before her laughter quickly turns into tears.

 

hysterical tears.

 

full blown sobbing that has josie jumping up and collapsing down by her side to pull her in close for a hug, cooing gently under her breath while cheryl clings to her shirt for dear life in an attempt to ground herself.

 

this is all her fault. her father is doing this to toni because of her, maybe…god, maybe cheryl _should_ just get married to archie or whoever her parents set her up with, she can do that, right? it’ll be okay, she…she can give her life up for toni, she’d do it in a heartbeat, and right now…she can, she can marry a man and have a long and fulfilling life with him, she _can_ -

 

if it saves toni…she can do it. she can get her father to end all of this, it’s all in his hands, right? if she agrees to his conditions, he’ll stop, he’ll leave her alone…

 

“arch…archie, get me my phone.” cheryl whispers, looking up at her former fiancée in despair as he swallows thickly and looks at her with worry before grabbing her phone off the table and handing it to her. cheryl unlocks it and immediately scrolls through her contacts, looking for her father’s name-

 

“what are you doing?!” josie exclaims, trying to grab cheryl’s phone off her frantically the second she sees her click on clifford blossom’s name, but cheryl holds her arm away to stop her.

 

“it’s the only way to stop all of this!” cheryl cries out, tears falling down her cheeks before she feels her phone getting snatched out of her hand-

 

archie looks down at her phone and quickly hangs up before he clenches his jaw and falls down beside cheryl, shaking his head and pocketing her phone as he does, brown eyes ablaze with anger.

 

“no, no fucking way, cheryl! your father doesn’t get to win this, not by a long shot.” he hisses. cheryl wails, unable to contain it anymore as she grabs a fistful of his shirt and tries to reach for her phone again, but archie grabs her wrists to stop her with another firm shake of his head.

 

“no.” he says simply.

 

“let m-me d-do this f-for her! i h-have to save her-.”

 

“then do it the right way! by continuing to fight for her, not by fucking giving up!” he exclaims. 

 

god, cheryl doesn’t get it, why does he even _bother?_

 

“archie why do you care so much? i h-hurt you, i ruined your life-.”

 

“no you didn’t! cheryl, how many times do i have to tell you? you’re my best friend and i _love_ you, okay? and i’ll always fight for your happiness, and that means i’ll always fight for toni! so don’t give up, cheryl…there’s still hope.” he whispers, brushing the tears from her cheeks quickly, and cheryl looks up at him, not an ounce of hope left in her as archie leans in to press a kiss to her brow with a smile.

 

“meet with the psychologists tomorrow…let them determine you’re of sound mind to sit the stand and then you speak your truth, cheryl.” he says firmly, but cheryl shakes her head, because there’s no fucking use and she knows it.

 

her father is too powerful.

 

“we can’t beat him…if i l-leave her, _he’ll_ leave her alone-.”

 

“no, you don’t get to sacrifice your happiness to keep him from doing this. you keep _fighting_ , cheryl. i know everything seems impossible right now, but we can still win this…” kevin says firmly, but cheryl can’t find it in her to believe him.

 

cheryl buries her face into her knees, sick of hearing them being so optimistic when there is _no hope left_. it’s over, he fucking won…

 

_i’m sorry…i’m so, so sorry, toni…_

 

josie looks up at archie in anguish, and kevin swallows thickly and looks to the red haired boy with worry.

 

“what do we do?” he whispers.

 

archie runs his fingers through his hair and looks down at his former fiancée, the way she’s curled up in a ball, sobbing into her knees, rocking back and forth in all her sadness…

 

he’s never, in ten years of knowing her, seen her like this, and right now, he’s just as lost as she is.

 

“i…i don’t know. i honestly don’t know anymore.”

 

\------------

 

“toni, this is not the end of the road for you, okay? cheryl still needs to go on the stand-.”

 

“no use.” toni’s voice is hoarse from lack of use and from the tears that have been non-stop falling down her cheeks since she left the bathroom at the court house earlier today. at this point, toni’s not sure if she’ll _ever_ stop crying, because the truth of the matter is, it’s all over.

 

if _cheryl_ is having doubts, then why on earth would the judge believe her anymore?

 

“toni, you can’t give up now-.”

 

“there’s. no. use.” toni repeats through gritted teeth, sick of everyone trying to make her feel better, trying to get her to continue to have hope when the truth is, there’s no fucking hope left.

 

it’s over. she’s lost her job, lost her relationship, is likely gonna go to jail for all of this-

 

maybe she can just keep her head down in prison. or maybe she can find a few friends, or run the kitchen, like that old lady from that tv show on netflix…maybe just work honestly and not smuggle shit into the prison like that old lady did on the show, but still…she’s got some cooking skills, maybe if she gives enough back to the prison she can get out earlier than whatever hellish sentence clifford will attempt to get her-

 

“hey, if you wanna give up, that’s fine by me! wallow in your self-pity, but _i’m_ not giving up and neither is mary!” sierra says firmly to pull toni out of her thoughts, glaring at toni as the pink haired girl scoffs and faces the window once more, wishing more than anything that everyone would just leave her the fuck alone to do exactly that.

 

wallow in her grief and the reality that falling in love has landed her in _this._

 

“toni, if you what you suspect is true, and clifford has bribed moose into testifying against you, then we have exactly what we need to get him-.”

 

“didn’t you hear me?! i said it’s _no use!_ it’s over, okay?! he won!” toni shouts, unable to take it anymore, all the optimism and the hope that they can somehow fix this when the truth is, they can’t. 

 

moose is one of toni’s best friends, if clifford can sway him into lying…what the fuck is the point?

 

there isn’t one. plain and simple. it’s just fucking over, and next court session, toni should anticipate nothing but a pair of handcuffs being slapped over her wrists until she’s dragged off to some prison to serve her sentence, or until clifford bribes the warden of whatever prison she ends up in to throw her into a dark hole and leave her there to rot and die.

 

how many years will she get? she wouldn’t be surprised if clifford manages to twist it, get her twenty five years to life, like she’s some kind of murderer…

 

_this can’t be fucking happening…_

 

“you said moose’s father was sick? maybe if we can talk to him-.”

 

“no. leave moose alone, just…leave it all alone. whatever happens next happens, i’m done fighting.” toni manages to croak out. she closes her eyes, tries to go back to that night on christmas day, to the night she and cheryl stayed wrapped up in each other’s arms, making love to each other over and over again, fuck…the best christmas of toni’s life…

 

she should’ve known it was too fucking good to last. now she’s lost cheryl forever, has likely lost moose and kevin too…her career, her job, her entire life, just gone…

 

“what about cheryl?” mary says suddenly.

 

and toni can’t help but scoff.

 

“she’s given up, too. i saw it in her eyes in that bathroom, for a second…for a second she believed moose. and even if she doesn’t, even if by some miracle, i _win_ this, her father won’t stop. he’ll do everything in his power to make sure we aren’t together, i know it. so what’s the point? just…what’s the point?” toni pleads, looking back to both her lawyers with tears falling down her cheeks as they both look at her in despair.

 

“toni, you love her-.”

 

“of course i do! i…fuck, i _love_ her like she’s the other half of my heart, like she’s part of my soul, i love her so much it hurts to _breathe_ without her here beside me, but everything has been telling us from day one that we can’t be together! and i’ve been ignoring it and ignoring it and look where it’s led me!” toni cries out, unable to keep her tears at bay much longer, her heart aching, her body tired, god, so tired…

 

“toni, there is still a chance-.”

 

“no! no more chances, no more hope, no more bullshit! just…please, i can’t do this anymore. no matter what i do, no matter what cheryl does…he won’t stop. and i don’t want to put her through this anymore.” toni croaks out, wiping away her tears quickly and sniffing once before she begins to make her way to her bedroom, content to spend the next five days sleeping until the final court session takes place and she can finally learn her fate…

 

_you’re going to jail, toni. clifford will make sure of it. he’s gonna throw you into a dark pit, slam the door shut, lock it, and melt the key…_

 

god, was it worth it?

 

_brown eyes crinkled in laughter, the softest molten red hair, the smoothest, palest skin that seems to rise with goosebumps the second her fingers brush over them…a breathy sigh, that melodic voice, the feeling of chapped lips captured in her own…_

 

yes…god, no matter what fucking happens now…it was worth it.

 

it was so, so worth it.

 

and with that simple thought racing through her mind, toni curls up into her bed, pulls the blankets over her body and pulls cheryl’s pillow towards her, hugging it close and burying her nose into the pillowcase to inhale the scent that’s slowly beginning to fade from it.

 

a scent which likely will never return to linger once more.

 

\-----------------

 

archie andrews lets out a relieved sigh the second he sees the signature red hair of cheryl blossom make her way towards him from across the court room, a smile lighting up his features despite his exhaustion as cheryl comes to a stop in front of him with a simple nod.

 

“i told them everything.”

 

“and?”

 

“i don’t know. we find out if they’ll let me on the stand later on in the week for the next session.” cheryl says simply, shoulders slumped, hair slightly frazzled as she lifts a hand to begin toying with the ends of the low plait josie had done for her before her meeting with the psychologists. 

 

“did they look like they believed you? did it look like they didn’t think you were brainwashed?” archie prods, frowning as cheryl looks up at him with nothing but defeat shining in her eyes.

 

“i don’t know, archie. for all i know, my father paid them off as well.” she says dully. archie clenches his jaw, tries his best to contain his anger at clifford blossom within his left fist, because right now, he’s very close to snapping and driving it into the wall behind him.

 

it just isn’t _fair._

 

moose was still missing in action, so they still had no confirmation on their theory that clifford paid him to lie, but archie just knows it to be true because that's the kind of man clifford blossom is.

 

clifford spent cheryl’s entire life hurting her, none of this is fair-

 

but maybe cheryl and toni are right.

 

maybe there really is nothing they can do anymore to stop him.

 

and the very thought has archie blinking back tears as he nods once and wraps an arm around cheryl’s shoulders, leading her out of the court room and towards the parking lot so he can take them back to josie’s apartment.

 

he’s not sure how he manages to make it the entire drive without losing his shit, without snapping and breaking the glass window beside his head, or bashing the steering wheel, or making the three hour drive to riverdale to punch clifford blossom’s face in a thousand times over, but he somehow does, because before he knows it, cheryl’s jumping out of the car and making a beeline straight for the elevators to get to josie’s apartment level.

 

and archie watches in nothing but anguish as cheryl walks straight through the front door the second josie opens it and makes her way straight to the spare bedroom, barely sparing her best friend a second glance when she asks her how it went before she enters the room and slams the door shut behind her.

 

josie’s eyes are wide with shock before it turns to horror, a gasp escaping her as she looks to archie, who continues to dig his nails into the palm of his hand with a clenched jaw to stop himself from snapping.

 

“arch…please tell me they didn’t think she was-.”

 

“no. she’s not sure how it went, she won’t find out until the court session on saturday.” archie manages to get out through bared, clenched teeth. he can’t seem to relax any of the muscles in his body, every single one pulled taut as his insides scream and his lungs burst with anger-

 

“archie…”

 

soft fingers reach out and brush up and down his wrist, and at the simple touch of josie’s fingers on his skin, archie feels his entire chest constrict before the band around it breaks and he’s sobbing.

 

fresh tears fall down his cheeks as he falls back against the wall and sinks down it, his knees finally giving way as he clutches his hair and tries to come to terms with everything he’s feeling.

 

“oh, archie…” josie’s voice is soft, so, so soft as she falls against the wall beside him and immediately pulls him into her embrace, holding him close as she presses kisses to his hair and nurtures the broken boy who grips her tightly and refuses to let go. he sobs openly, unaware of just how vulnerable he’s being right now for the first time to the girl he’s only been dating for a few months now, but josie doesn’t seem to mind.

 

“whenever you’re ready to talk, i’ll be here.” josie whispers, the warmth of her body causing archie to nuzzle close in comfort as the words he’s been dying to say just _spill_ out of him without any control.

 

“th-they h-hurt h-her for _years_ r-right under my n-nose, josie! for _years_ , and i…i d-didn’t do anything, i _h-have_ to do something-.”

 

“oh, archie…you didn’t know they were hurting her, you can’t blame yourself for not stepping in…” josie says hoarsely, her grip on him becoming impossibly tighter as archie shakes his head and buries it into her shoulder with a whine. 

 

“i h-have to do something-.” 

 

“shh…shh, i know, arch…” josie whispers, tears falling down her cheeks unbeknownst to archie as she looks up at the closed door that’s hiding her best friend from view with a look of sadness and guilt.

 

guilt that she can’t do more…guilt that she can’t think of anything to do or say to make her best friend feel like everything will be alright…guilt that she can’t seem to do the same for her boyfriend, either…

 

_when did it all just fall apart?_

 

\------------------

 

“cheryl met with the psychologists.” 

 

sierra’s voice is hard and firm, and it causes mary to let out an almost exasperated sigh, but toni barely hears a word she says as she continues to stare up at the ceiling from where she’s lying on the couch, throwing the ball in her hands up and waiting for it to fall so she can catch it.

 

she’s waiting for the moment she misses and it hits her face. 

 

“toni, did you hear me?” sierra says sharply, perhaps finally getting sick of toni’s consistent efforts to ignore anything she says as mary lets out another sigh that only causes toni’s eye to twitch with annoyance.

 

“they haven’t made a decision yet, but things look hopeful-.”

 

toni scoffs at that, unable to help herself, and she hears only the faintest sigh of frustration beside her before she throws the ball up-

 

and another hand catches it.

 

she clenches her jaw and looks to her side in anger to see sierra staring down at her with equal rage, fingers closed around the ball that’s providing her distraction.

 

“give it back.” she growls, like petulant child, like her favorite fucking toy has been taken off her, and it causes sierra to scoff before she bends down and looks right into toni’s eyes in indignation.

 

“you’re pathetic! you sit there and ignore everything we're saying, feeling sorry for yourself and drowning all day in self-pity and expect mary and i to do all the work? we’re on your side, toni, why can’t you see that?! we’re trying to save your ass from going to jail! the least you can do is give us some co-operation! it’s almost like you want to go to prison, almost like you _want_ to never see cheryl again! is that what you want?” sierra barks, anger washing over her face as she lobs the ball right at toni’s stomach, causing the pink haired girl to grunt from the pain before she suddenly bares her teeth and jumps up from the couch.

 

the two women stare at each other for a long time before toni, very visibly blinking back tears, grits her teeth and steps closer to sierra until she’s inches away from her face, the inner southside serpent within her finally emerging after laying dormant for so many years…

 

“fuck you. get out of my home, you’re fired.” 

 

and with that, she throws the ball so hard, it burrows into the wall with a dull thud, breaking through the plaster and causing chips of paint to fall to the floor while she walks to her room without a backwards glance as sierra and mary look on in shock.

 

a few moments pass before sierra scoffs and grabs her purse and briefcase, more than ready to walk right out of this apartment and never look back before mary stops her with six simple words.

 

“remember why you’re doing this, sierra.” 

 

heels clacking on wooden floors stops the second that sentence ends, mary’s eyes watching as sierra’s shoulders slump in defeat before she slowly turns to face the red haired woman with a sigh.

 

“we can’t help her if she doesn’t want to help herself, mary.” she says hoarsely, but mary andrews, as optimistic and willing to fight to the death as always, smiles and shakes her head before she shrugs once.

 

“yes we can. because she helped our kids…and right now, she has _no one._ ” mary says softly. sierra squares her shoulders, takes a deep breath in through her nose and closes her eyes before exhaling slowly in an effort to calm herself down.

 

“she’s _frightened,_ sierra. this isn’t her not co-operating and this isn’t her being angry at us or at clifford or at anyone. she’s shutting down because she’s _scared._ ”

 

“i know…i know.” sierra whispers, opening her eyes and looking at her co-worker with a heavy sigh before she drops her briefcase and purse and smiles.

 

meanwhile, toni slams the door shut to her bedroom and collapses against it, sinking down onto her backside and choking on the sobs that threaten to burst from her chest until they can no longer be contained. she can barely breathe, the pain causing her entire body to seize up and shake with each inhale she tries to take, the self-destructive path she’s taking slowly beginning to take it’s toll.

 

she’s so beyond exhausted at this point…so beyond tired, beyond able to fight or breathe or think or do anything other than just sit here and cry and try her hardest not to fall further into the pit that’s been dug for her but it’s hard.

 

it’s hard without cheryl here. it’s hard without anyone here. kevin is still trying to get in contact with moose, who is still refusing to answer his calls, the both of them just as much of a mess as toni is right now, and it just makes her feel worse.

 

because she’s brought them into this. kevin and moose had nothing to do with clifford or cheryl and because of their affiliation with toni, their lives have been turned upside and ruined just as much as hers has.

 

it isn’t fair. nothing about any of this is fair and the more toni thinks about it the more she wants to claw her eyes out from how much they burn from the pain of how many tears she’s shed over it all. but she just _can’t stop._

 

she can’t stop crying for moose or kevin. she can’t stop crying for cheryl. she can’t stop crying for _herself._

 

how can one man have so much power over so many people’s lives?

 

_domino effect…one falls and the rest fall with it…and clifford’s the one who flicked the first soldier down…_

 

toni has no idea how much time passes before there’s a soft knock at the door, and she doesn’t even have the time or energy to tell whoever it is, likely mary, to fuck off and leave her alone before the door is being shoved open and she’s almost falling flat on her face. she flails slightly, looks up with a sputter to see sierra looking down at her with a look that has toni looking back at her in shock.

 

because for the first time in weeks, it’s not one of anger, but one of simple sympathy.

 

“you can fire me if you want. but i’ll still fight for you, toni. because you fought for my josie…and you need someone in your corner.” sierra croaks out, tears welling in her eyes again to toni’s surprise before she suddenly bends down until she’s eye level with the pink haired girl who stares back at her with bloodshot, doe-filled eyes in anguish.

 

“you’re not alone, toni. let me fight for you.” sierra whispers.

 

and those words are words that have toni gasping for air, a long lost memory she pushed so far into the back of her mind bubbling to the surface like the flick of a wheel on a lighter.

 

_two pairs of dark brown eyes and unruly hair as her two best friends stare at her with nothing but determination, the tallest boy cracking his knuckles in preparation while the other bares those teeth that garnered him his infamous nickname at the sight of toni holding a bag of frozen peas to her swollen, cut and bruised brow with a hiss and a wince of pain._

 

_”we can’t let them get away with this, no fucking way! let us fight for you, toni! let us show those ghoulie scum the unity, the **strength** we have! let us show them what happens when you fuck with our family! let us be the southside serpents they **want** us to be! let us fight for **you!** ”_

 

all that fear…all that panic and terror she felt that night and every night since then comes rushing through her like a tidal wave, slamming into her repeatedly as she tries so hard to swim to the surface, but it’s like she’s drowning, and there’s no feasible or possible way she can breathe with all this terror, all this fear crushing her chest and her body, please, she needs it to end-

 

“toni? toni, hey, look at me!” sierra’s face slowly blurs in and out of focus, concern written all over her face before toni finally gives up and just succumbs to it.

 

she falls forward into sierra’s arms, harsh sobs and wails causing her entire body to jolt and move as sierra blinks once in surprise before she’s wrapping toni into her embrace, calling back to all those nights she held her own daughter through her pain and her sadness in order to do the same for the girl who brought her daughter back from the brink of darkness.

 

and the next words that fall out of toni’s mouth just cause sierra’s heart to break a little more for her.

 

“i’m s-scared! i’m s-so scared, sierra-.” the pink haired girl chokes out, and sierra can think of nothing to do but raise her hand to brush her fingers through matted, untamed pink curls, lips resting against a quivering brow as mary looks on with tears only a mother could shed building in her eyes.

 

“shh, honey, i know…i know you are, shh…” 

 

it hits them both all too quickly that perhaps what toni needs isn’t two people who fight in her corner because they’re paid to, but two people who fight in her corner because they _want_ to.

 

\---------------------

 

“court is now in session, you may all be seated.”

 

cheryl slumps down into her seat, eyes staring longingly at the head of pink hair just two rows in front of her that looks equally as exhausted as she feels before she feels soft fingers grip her own. she smiles as best as she can at archie beside her to appease him, but the fact that she isn’t sitting in the waiting room to give her testimony tells her that this is it. that it’s really over.

 

that the psychologists have determined she’s “brainwashed” and clifford has won.

 

until-

 

“we gather here today at approximately 12:01 on march 21st, 2019 to conclude the trial in the case of blossom v. topaz…one mr. clifford cochrane blossom is suing one miss antoinette mercedes topaz for behavioral modification and coercive persuasion of his daughter, one miss cheryl marjorie blossom, while she was under miss topaz’s care as her patient. he is also suing for unprofessionalism and misconduct in a medical environment, we are here today for final questioning from both the defense and the prosecution to two key witnesses. upon completion of questioning, the defense and the prosecution will give final statements before a ten minute recess shall be given while i go over the evidence brought forth so far in this case to come to a decision on how to proceed. are we all in agreement for what this session will hold today?” there’s murmurs all over the room as both clifford’s lawyer and sierra and mary nod once, and the judge suddenly looks to toni with a stern, greying brow before he clears his throat.

 

“miss topaz, i would like you to be aware that should i find you guilty of malpractice in a safe work environment, this will become a case for the federal state and will likely result in your imprisonment until a trial date can be placed. do you understand what i have just told you?” he says simply. cheryl’s heart falls somewhere to down her toes, bile rising in the back of her throat as toni stands slowly and simply nods once before she answers.

 

“yes, your honor. i do.” she somehow manages to get out in a somewhat calm voice, and the judge simply nods once as toni takes her seat once more before he’s rifling through his papers and clearing his throat once more.

 

_please, please, please, please..._

 

“well then…if the bailiff will please bring forth miss cheryl marjorie blossom, as psychologists have determined upon meeting with her earlier this week that she appears mentally stable enough to sit the stand for questioning.” he says.

 

cheryl freezes, her eyes widening as both sierra and mary turn to look at her expectantly, and it isn’t until archie squeezes one hand and josie squeezes the other that cheryl finally jumps up from her seat and tries her best to ignore the many eyes that look her way as soon as she does.

 

her father didn't get to the psychologists...she actually gets to testify?

 

_don't waste this opportunity, cheryl, please..._

 

she can feel her mother and father’s stares burning holes into the side of her head, but she avoids their gazes completely and makes her way towards the front of the courtroom, stepping through the small gate that separates the audience from the action and making her way towards the stand beside the judge on the right. she sees moose through the crack in the door of the waiting room to her right, ignores the way her blood boils at the sight of him after no one has heard or seen him all fucking week, not even kevin, before she licks her lips and takes the final step up to the stand. as soon as the sound of her heels echoes out with a final clack, the bailiff steps in front of her.

 

“ma’am, if you’ll place your left hand on the bible, please.” 

 

with a trembling left hand does cheryl blossom do as she’s asked, resting it palm down onto a book that’s never held much meaning in her life, but holds her entire future in it now as the bailiff looks at her with an almost bored look on his face.

 

“do you, cheryl marjorie blossom, solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth under pains and penalties of perjury in this court of law?” 

 

cheryl swallows the lump quickly building in her throat and pushes past all of it as she nods once.

 

“yes, i solemnly swear to do so.” she’s surprised by how strong her voice is, but it’s not like she expected this to happen. she was almost positive the psychologists would determine she was brainwashed and unable to sit on the stand to give her testimony but it looks like finally, _finally_ …something is going right for once.

 

perhaps clifford’s pockets didn’t run as deep as she thought…perhaps there _were_ people in this world good enough to not be swayed by simple green paper, no matter how much it made the world go around…

 

“you may take a seat, miss blossom.” 

 

she almost drops down into the seat, her eyes falling on none other than toni, who keeps her eyes firmly planted to the ground in front of her, causing the tiny fissures already plastered in cheryl’s heart to crack just a little more before she finally registers that the judge is speaking.

 

“if the prosecution will begin questioning…” the judge says, nodding to clifford’s lawyer, who smiles like a shark who’s just found it’s next meal as he stands and buttons up his shirt before stalking towards cheryl like she’s prey. 

 

“miss blossom, how exactly did you and miss topaz meet?” he says simply. cheryl licks her lips before she leans in a little closer to the small microphone that’s planted in front of her.

 

“we met in june of last year…i was struggling with depression and my ocd at the time, and my best friend, josie mccoy noticed. she told me i should seek professional help and told me about a therapist she used to see, and told me that miss topaz’s work was impeccable. so i booked an appointment to see her.” cheryl says hollowly, trying her best not to freak out or vomit or do anything that could discredit anything she’s saying as clifford’s lawyer nods once.

 

“right…and what made you suddenly decide you needed to seek help, miss blossom?” he asks. cheryl swallows thickly and leans forward again.

 

“i…i was getting married at the time, and i knew i couldn’t keep living the way i was, suffering in silence. my fiancé was a good man and i wanted to be better for him.”

 

“this fiancé of yours was none other than archibald frederick andrews, yes?”

 

“yes, that’s correct.” cheryl croaks out, making eye contact with the boy in question, who simply gives her an encouraging smile and a nod to let her know she’s doing well despite how much her whole body is trembling with fear right now.

 

one wrong thing…one word said that this beast of a lawyer could twist…

 

“right…miss blossom, can you determine that miss topaz was able to help you with both of those illnesses you stated to have in a professional manner?” clifford’s lawyer asks suddenly, that same smug smirk on his face that cheryl wants nothing more than to rip off. but she keeps her calm and leans forward to answer the question.

 

“yes. toni managed to break down the walls i'd spent years putting up, managed to help me open up about my childhood, about the things that were hurting me...but we only had a few sessions together before toni handed my case over to veronica.” she states.

 

“and why was that, miss blossom?” clifford’s lawyer asks. cheryl’s stomach twists, her eyes moving to toni, who still won’t meet her gaze, and something within her just…cracks.

 

“we…we both knew there was something between us, something electric, something…indefinable. we both felt it, and toni knew that whatever it was, the connection between us…it couldn’t continue while i was still her patient. so she did the right thing, and she handed my case to a co-worker.” she manages to croak out, blinking back tears and wishing more than anything that toni would just _look up at her, please-_

 

“so…instead of being professional and helping you with what you were suffering from, she put her own feelings first and pawned you off to another therapist so she could, what? have her way with you?” clifford’s lawyer says. cheryl’s eyes snap to him in anger, his words reverberating in her mind as she scoffs and shakes her head in disbelief. 

 

“what? no! that’s not at all what happened! for the record, toni told me to stay away from her, told me that we couldn’t pursue something! it was _me_ who continued to pursue _her!_ because i felt that connection and it…it was the most _amazing_ thing i’ve ever felt in my life. the most _real_ thing i’ve ever felt in my life.” cheryl says hoarsely, tears falling before she can stop them that she quickly wipes away.

 

she doesn’t want to give this fucker the sick satisfaction of seeing her cry…

 

“and is that because you felt drawn to miss topaz? in a way you couldn’t explain?” clifford’s lawyer asks with that smug grin still etched on his face.

 

_no…no, he’s twisting my words, he’s doing it, no!_

 

“stop…stop, you’re trying to make it sound like she brainwashed me or something when she didn’t! she _didn’t!_ even the goddamn psychologists who observed me don’t think i’ve been coerced into anything, and that’s because i _haven’t!_ ” cheryl cries out, shaking from head to toe like a leaf caught in a strong wind gust as clifford’s lawyer scoffs and shakes his head.

 

“is that so? tell me then, miss blossom, what caused your engagement to mr. andrews to end?” he asks simply. cheryl licks her lips, sniffing once to get rid of her tears before she looks straight at her father and clenches her jaw.

 

“i…i came to terms with the fact that i’m…that i’m a lesbian. that i could never have a future with archie because i wasn’t in love with him. and i didn’t want to keep hurting him by pretending to love him when i didn't, so...so i ended it. so he could have the life he deserves with someone who loves him the way he should be loved.”

 

“i see! and you somehow came to that conclusion after eight years with him? just randomly, out of nowhere, after meeting miss topaz?” clifford’s lawyer says, looking to the judge with a smirk as cheryl bares her teeth and jumps up from the stand, unable to contain her anger anymore at the fact that this son of a fucking _bitch_ is trying to make it seem like toni has made her into some kind of mindless fucking puppet-

 

“it wasn’t _sudden!_ people don’t just _change_ sexualities, they don’t wake up one morning and decide they’re gay! we’re _born_ the way we are, and i was _born_ the way i am! i’ve known since college! archie and i were broken up and i slept with a woman, but i…i never told anyone because i was _scared!_ and you want to know _why_ i was scared?” cheryl screams at the top of her lungs before she’s pointing a finger straight at her father with tears falling down her cheeks in thick streams as she tries her best to breathe.

 

“b-because my parents are _monsters!_ b-because when i was five and i was diagnosed with ocd, they _beat_ it out of me instead of t-trying to help me! because they’ve spent twenty five years of my life torturing me and now that i’m finally fucking happy, they can’t _stand_ it!” cheryl shouts, her vision blurring because of the tears as the judge suddenly bangs his gavel onto the stand, making cheryl jump slightly in surprise.

 

“miss blossom, calm down-.”

 

“it’s the truth, your honor! they b-beat me mercilessly my entire childhood, even into my teenage years, and t-toni…toni helped me overcome that pain! she did her _job_ , and we just…we just fell in love! there’s no law against that, is there?!” cheryl cries, looking up at the judge in desperation for him to tell her that no, there isn’t, that this was all a mistake and she can finally go _home_ to the woman she loves-

 

“there’s no law against falling in love, but there is a law against forcing your patient into believing she’s suddenly changed sexualities, there is a law against forcing yourself onto your patient-.” clifford’s lawyer says with a scoff, causing cheryl to let out an honest to god growl of frustration because god, she wishes she could jump over this stand and claw this guy’s fucking eyes out-

 

“that is _not_ what happened! i’ve known for over six years now, well before i even met toni, i just buried it so deep inside of me because i was terrified of what my parents would do if i came out to them! i finally plucked up the courage to tell them because of toni and you know what they did? they _disowned_ me! took my money from me, left me with no job, pit my own twin brother against me…they took _everything_ from me!” cheryl screams, doesn’t hold back, wants her pain to be known across this entire fucking building as clifford’s lawyer scoffs again with a roll of his eyes.

 

“your honor, that is a ridiculous accusation to make-.”

 

“objection! i have statements here from miss blossom’s bank account that prove a sum of over $200,000 was suddenly taken from her account on the date of the 7th of august, which in miss blossom’s testimony, she states is the day after her parents discovered her sexuality. i would also like to point out, clifford blossom had access to that account, as stated at the top of the paper.” sierra pipes up, jumping up from her chair and rifling through her files before she’s rushing towards the judge to hand him the papers in her hands. cheryl watches with bated breath, her chest heaving as clifford’s lawyer glares at sierra angrily while the judge stares down at the papers with a frown. 

 

“your honor, we are not here to discuss mr. blossom’s choices on how to deal with his family, we are here to discuss miss topaz and the blatant use of coercion and modification on miss blossom to get her to do what she wanted! she has warped miss blossom's mind, it's clear as day right in front of you!” clifford’s lawyer barks angrily, looking at cheryl, who is still shaking violently as the judge looks over the papers before he looks up at clifford’s lawyer and nods his head.

 

“yes…yes, that is what we’re here for…you may continue your questioning, mr. turner.” 

 

“did it ever occur to you, miss blossom, that while you lost your family and your job, while you state your parents are the ones who took _everything_ from you…it’s miss topaz who lost _nothing_ in the process? she got to keep her job, her money, and hell, she even gained _you._ but you...well, like you said, you lost _everything._ ” he says firmly.

 

cheryl stares at him in complete, speechless shock, can’t believe what’s just come out of his mouth as he gives her a lopsided smile and a wink.

 

_oh my god...i can't win against him, everything i say he twists around, this can't be happening..._

 

“no further questions, your honor.” he says simply, and with that, he takes his seat, waiting as the judge clears his throat and looks to sierra with a firm nod while cheryl sinks into her chair and tries her best not to break down into tears.

 

“very well, if the defense will begin questioning…” 

 

sierra stands, pauses for just a moment before she suddenly smiles and makes her way over to cheryl slowly, and cheryl tries so fucking hard to focus, to not let what clifford's lawyer said get to her...

 

“i only have a few questions, your honor. my first question, miss blossom…has miss topaz ever made you feel unsafe or in danger, or has she ever done anything to make you feel uncomfortable or scared? frightened, even?” she asks simply.

 

and just like that...everything _clicks._

 

cheryl sinks into her seat in exhaustion, but shakes her head nonetheless with a breathless laugh.

 

“no…never. quite the opposite, actually. i’ve never felt safer than when i’m with her. never felt more protected, or cared for...” she whispers, sniffing once and wiping at her tears as sierra smiles and nods once at her.

 

“really? how _does_ miss topaz make you feel, miss blossom?” sierra asks firmly. cheryl closes her eyes, the last of the tears clinging to her eyelashes falling down her cheeks as she lets out a shaky breath and hums softly, trying to think back to all those moments she had with the pink haired girl seated less than ten feet away from her…

 

“she makes me feel _alive._ more alive than i’ve ever felt in my entire life before. since i was a kid, i knew there was something wrong with me, but toni…she makes me feel like maybe, despite all my flaws, there’s a chance that i’m perfect in an imperfect world. she laughs, and i feel like no music could ever compare to the sound. she smiles and it’s like my entire world lights up with colors of all kinds. she kisses me, and it feels like coming _home._ she doesn’t make me feel small, or make me feel inferior…she tells me i’m beautiful, and because of her, i believe it. because i know she would never lie to me, never hurt me or cause me harm…she’s everything i’ve ever wanted and _more._ ” cheryl whispers, staring straight at toni as she says it, and she can see it.

 

she can see the way toni is gripping the table tightly, can see the way she’s almost straining to keep her eyes focused down on her lap and away from cheryl-

 

_come on, toni…look up, please, please just look up…_

 

“and my last question…do you _love_ her, miss blossom?” sierra asks softly.

 

and finally, cheryl drags her eyes away from the love of her life to look at sierra with a smile that displays a million different emotions she can’t begin to explain.

 

“more than words can say, miss mccoy. more than any words could _ever_ say. she’s the love of my life…the other half of my entire heart and soul. without her...i'd be incomplete.” 

 

and finally…

 

finally, toni looks up.

 

they make eye contact, brown reflected in brown, pain reflected in pain, and cheryl can’t help the watery smile she gives the pink haired girl as her tears fall, those three words softly whispered as toni’s bottom lip trembles before she’s averting her gaze once more, fingers twisting in her lap, thick tears streaming down her cheeks…

 

“no further questions, your honor.” sierra says with a triumphant smile, and cheryl sniffs once as the judge clears his throat before he bangs his gavel.

 

“very well, uh…miss blossom, if you make step down. bailiff, if you’ll bring forward mr. marmaduke harrison mason, please.” 

 

cheryl steps down, her heart thundering in her eardrums loudly as she walks past sierra towards the audience once more, and the woman gives her a wink and a grateful nod, but all cheryl can see is the way toni’s shoulders are tensed, the way she’s avoiding looking at her again as cheryl slides into her seat between archie and josie once more, both her best friends enveloping her in their arms the second she’s seated.

 

she has no idea if that went well or not, has no idea what's going to happen now, but just that brief second of eye contact has cheryl begging to every fucking god she knows that they win this, because if they don't...

 

_i can't lose her, i can't, i can't, i can't-_

 

“you did so well, cheryl…” josie whispers, prompting cheryl to smile despite how exhausted and defeated she feels right now as moose, looking as pale as ever, but with this look in his eyes that cheryl can’t quite explain, takes the stand while the bailiff stands in front of him.

 

“place your left hand on the bible, please, sir.” 

 

moose doesn’t move.

 

he’s simply standing there, eyes like lasers focused on one thing and one thing only.

 

clifford blossom.

 

“sir? i need you to place your left hand on the bible-.”

 

“no…no, i won’t do it.” moose suddenly mutters, clenching his jaw and shaking his head with fire blazing in his eyes as the bailiff looks to the judge with a frown. the judge clears his throat as the audience begins to murmur, and cheryl sees kevin stand from the row in front of her, his expression filled with confusion and sadness-

 

“mr. mason, are you saying you wish to not take the stand-.”

 

“no…i’m saying…that clifford blossom can shove the fifty thousand dollars he offered me to lie on the stand last week up his fucking ASS!” moose roars, fists clenched and eyes wild as the entire room echoes out in gasps and screams of shock and horror while cheryl feels the breath she’s inhaling get stuck somewhere deep inside her esophagus. 

 

_no...no way, no way, i'm dreaming, i must be-_

 

“mr. mason-.” the judge begins, eyes wide as moose turns to him with a scoff of disbelief.

 

“what? you’re surprised? he paid me off to lie about toni, told me he'd give me fifty grand and any other money i needed to help my father fight his cancer as long as i say that toni tried to sexually assault me but she…god, she _never_ did, okay? she’s one of my best friends in the entire world, and she's the best therapist i've ever met! i _lied!_ for _him!_ ” moose cries out, pointing straight at clifford, who looks like he’s about five seconds away from exploding into nothingness from how fucking red his face is right now-

 

_holy shit…holy shit, toni was right, my father **did** pay him off! and moose…moose is admitting it to the entire court room-_

 

holy shit…holy shit, this can’t be happening, it can’t be-

 

“is this true, mr. blossom?” the judge asks, looking to clifford, who looks to his lawyer with wide eyes, and oh how cheryl relishes in the fact that for the first time in her entire life…

 

her father looks afraid. 

 

there's nothing but fear in his eyes as his lawyer looks at him with his mouth dropped open in shock and his eyes just as wide, and cheryl sees her mother jump up and hiss at the lawyer to do something before moose's voice is booming out once more.

 

“here’s your fucking proof!” moose exclaims, suddenly reaching into his jacket pocket and pulling out a folded piece of paper to hand to the judge. it's small and rectangular-

 

“a check. that’s a check, oh my god…” cheryl murmurs, her hands gripping onto archie and josie so tightly, she’s surprised they haven’t tried to loosen her grip by now, but they’re just as shocked and confused as she is, just as amazed at how this is suddenly fucking going in their favor-

 

the judge examines the paper for a while before he looks up at clifford, and the look in his eyes screams _murder._

 

“i can confirm from the signature on the check mr. mason has just provided me, and the testimony _you_ signed, mr. blossom, that both signatures are identical. meaning you have bribed a witness to falsify crucial evidence. meaning…you have wasted my time, and the time of everyone in this court room today to sue miss topaz for a crime when the only person who has committed a crime here is _you._ ” the judge looks like he’s about ready to lose his mind and possibly cave clifford’s head in, and as chaos explodes across the entire court room, the judge suddenly stands and bangs his gavel to call for order, prompting everyone to quiet down while cheryl sees the way toni is looking at sierra and mary in complete and utter shock.

 

“no need for final statements from the defense or the prosecution, i’ve made my decision already. due to evidence tampering by the prosecution with an attempted bribing of a key witness, this case is dismissed as a mistrial. all charges and restrictions against miss topaz will be dropped and her suspension will be lifted, pending a decision within the workplace on how to proceed with future sessions. miss topaz…you are free to go.”

 

and with that, the judge bangs the gavel.

 

toni sinks into her chair, covers her face in her hands and sobs into them, sierra and mary hug each other tightly, clifford’s lawyer and clifford himself look like they’re ready to commit murder, archie and josie are gripping cheryl and attempting to pull her up, kevin and moose reunite in the middle of the fucking court room, kevin holding his boyfriend close as moose sobs into his shoulder, but none of it matters.

 

none of it matters because cheryl manages to shrug off archie and josie before she’s rushing towards the defense table as quickly as her trembling legs can carry her, her mind only on getting to toni’s side, on holding her close and kissing her hair and cheeks and forehead and any inch of her that cheryl’s lips can reach-

 

"t-toni..." she kneels down right in front of her, reaches a hand out and finally, _finally_ touches the skin of her arm, a whimper escaping her at the memory of just how _soft_ toni's skin is beneath her fingertips as toni looks up at her with this brightness in her eyes that just completely _floors_ her.

 

"we won...we w-won, baby..." cheryl whispers, reaching up to tuck a lock of hair behind her ear-

 

toni flinches, moves away from her quickly before she's letting out a shaky breath...

 

and moving her arm out of cheryl's reach as well.

 

cheryl's heart breaks impossibly further, her breath catching in her throat like a hiccup stuck in her chest as toni bites down on her bottom lip before fresh tears are falling down her cheeks.

 

"i'm...i'm sorry, cheryl, i can't." she croaks out, hands gripping the arm rests of her seat before she's pushing herself up just as sierra and mary do the same, but before she can take a step away from her, cheryl, still on her fucking knees, grips her hand with a loud cry to stop her, fingers almost desperately scrambling to keep her close as she shakes her head and tries her best to just _breathe._

 

she doesn't understand, this is what they wanted, why, why, why, why-

 

"no...no, please, please don't do this, please, please, please..."

 

but her pleas fall on deaf ears as toni gently pulls her grip out of cheryl's and follows sierra and mary out of the court room, both women looking down at cheryl with nothing but pity and sadness as she completely and utterly breaks down into uncontained sobs, watching the love of her life walk away from her.

 

and why shouldn't she? cheryl's the whole reason this happened to her, is the whole reason she's had to be humiliated in front of a group of people, is the whole reason for the last two months of torture that she's been forced to go through...

 

toni doesn't love her anymore.

 

and cheryl really doesn't blame her for it.


	21. have a good life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes hi hello, this is a sad chapter, i'm sorry, but just remember that there is four more chapters after this one so it's not the end so there's still hope okay hahaha dontkillmepls hahahaha bye you know the drill 
> 
> twitter: @endofdaysforme

“that’s your fourth one of the night, ma’am…sure you don’t want me to call someone?” 

 

cheryl takes a sip of said fourth vodka tonic and looks up at the bartender currently wiping down a glass with a sloppy grin and half lidded eyes, swaying drunkenly on the barstool she’s sitting on as she does.

 

“i haven’t got anyone! so...you know, round five, or whatever!” she hiccups, grabbing a handful of peanuts on the counter and shoving them into her mouth as the bartender frowns and simply shakes his head once before turning away from her.

 

cheryl happily chews on the peanuts, savoring the flavor on her alcohol coated tongue as she desperately tries to drink away the thoughts creeping into her mind.

 

it’s been three weeks now since the court case ended. three weeks since things have died down. 

 

three weeks since cheryl’s heard anything from toni.

 

she thinks it’s safe to say they’re broken up now.

 

the thought makes her heart ache and bile rise in the back of her throat, so she quickly downs the rest of her drink to wash it down before she nods at the bartender, who scoffs once again, but does as he’s told, mixing her another vodka tonic with disapproval written all over his face. her phone buzzes, and cheryl glances down, sees the familiar number, and scoffs before letting it run to voicemail just like she has for the last three weeks.

 

as soon as it's done buzzing, she grabs it and goes to her voicemails, smiling stupidly when clifford blossom's enraged voice fills her ears.

 

_"you are a complete and utter failure, cheryl blossom! and mark my words, you will not get away with the goddamn fortune you have just cost me, do you hear me? you can ignore my calls all you want, cheryl, i am not going to let you get away with this! you are going to wish you never crossed me when i'm done with you-."_

 

the voicemail cuts off and cheryl giggles, looks down at her phone and rests it beside her once again before she drains the dregs of the glass in her hands, thinking about clifford's words as they reverberate in her mind.

 

not that cheryl cares. she has an ex-girlfriend who hates her guts, a father who won’t stop calling her and leaving threatening voicemails about making sure she pays for costing him three hundred thousand dollars in legal fines for bribing a witness when she doesn’t answer, an ex-fiancé who is living the dream with her best friend as his girlfriend, and she’s…

 

here.

 

alone. at a bar at seven o’clock in the evening. drinking away her pain. her pain over toni, over her father, over everything that’s happened in such a short fucking period of time. 

 

she’s pretty sure her boss is gonna be pissed off if she shows up to work hungover tomorrow for the fifth day in a row, but fuck it, who really cares about anything anymore?

 

she feels the slight buzz again of her phone next to her drink vibrating against her arm and groans before looking down at it blearily. 

 

it’s toni’s office. which therefore means it’s midge, calling her for the seventh time this week alone in an attempt to get her to book another appointment with veronica at the raven haired girl’s request.

 

cheryl clicks the side button twice to decline the call and lock her phone before the bartender finally slides her next drink over to her with a sigh.

 

“i’m gonna have to cut you off. it’s only been an hour, i can’t have you dying of alcohol poisoning on my watch.” he says with a chuckle, and cheryl glares at him, fingers slightly tensing around the glass before she smiles sweetly and leans in closer to him.

 

“so you’d rather i fuck off to some other bar and ask for five more drinks there?”

 

“they wouldn’t let you in, sweetheart. you’re wasted.” he says with a knowing smirk. cheryl bares her teeth and is about to punch him in the face when-

 

“look, get her one last round. it looks like she needs it. then i’ll call her a cab and make sure she gets home, alright?” 

 

cheryl frowns at the sound of a deep, male voice beside her, and when she turns slightly with a pounding head and her fingers flailing slightly to grip the counter to make sure she doesn’t fall, she sees a tall, dark skinned man with a slightly lopsided smile looking down at her sympathetically before he nods to the bartender and suddenly takes the seat beside her.

 

cheryl shifts uncomfortably, shrugs her coat closer over her body as her heart begins racing before the guy sighs beside her and taps her wrist to get her attention.

 

“you look like you could use someone to talk to.” he says softly, prompting cheryl to finally look up at him with a suppressed hiccup as she licks her lips and shrugs.

 

“what makes you think i wanna talk to you?” she slurs, sipping on her drink and avoiding eye contact as the guy smiles and nods once.

 

“you don’t have to if you don’t want to. but i promise to lend a more sympathetic ear than that asshole.” he says, jerking his thumb behind him towards the bartender, who is currently mixing cheryl’s sixth drink with a sour look on his face.

 

“you don’t want to hear what i have to say.” cheryl says simply, slowly dragging her eyes away from the bartender to stare back at the man before her, his large brown eyes soft as he runs his fingers through his dark hair with a chuckle.

 

“and why do you think that?” he says with a smirk. cheryl simply scoffs.

 

“because the situation is…beyond fucked up.” she says humorlessly.

 

“really? why don’t you try me?” the man says, grinning widely, and cheryl stares at him apprehensively, unsure of this stranger and who he is or why he’s even talking to her before she notices a look in his eyes that makes her pause.

 

a look of understanding.

 

she’s seen that look before…

 

“…you first.” she croaks out, and to her surprise, the man laughs loudly before he raises an eyebrow and nods at her appreciatively. 

 

“ha, well played! hmm…” he drums his fingers against the counter just as the bartender slides cheryl her sixth drink, and he nods once and asks for a beer, waits for it to be delivered with the top popped off before he looks at cheryl with what looks like a sad smile.

 

“well, i used to be a professional boxer, my name was really well known around here. they called me ‘mad dog’ moore, and i was going places…they were talking about putting me in with the big leagues, trying to set me up with a match against manny fucking pacquiao…i was undefeated, thirty six and oh, soaring higher and higher and then…bam! one knockout, and suddenly, i’m at the bottom of the barrel once again. broke my wrist in my next match and after that…game over.” he says solemnly, lifting the bottle of beer to his lips to take a long sip as cheryl tries to burrow into the deep recesses of her mind, because the name sounds familiar…

 

_“this local kid is kicking ass! new york native, they’re talking about booking him in a match against leo valquez and he’s like…the best! we gotta get tickets, honey! god, his name is cool…’mad dog’ moore, now **that’s** a boxer’s name!”_

 

archie…archie had gone through a boxing phase when they first moved to new york, went to local matches all over the place, dragging cheryl along whenever she couldn’t come up with an excuse to avoid it…

 

“I know you…my ex-fiancé went to a lot of your matches.” cheryl breathes, staring in awe as ‘mad dog’ moore chuckles and nods a few times, biting down on his lower lip as he does.

 

“yep…that’s me.” he says bitterly, shaking his head as cheryl tries to wrap her mind around who is in front of her right now. she sips her drink, unsure of what to even do or say before he suddenly leans sideways to bump into her shoulder with his own lightly.

 

“alright…your turn now.” cheryl hesitates before she takes a large gulp of her drink, grabs a handful of peanuts and shoves them into her mouth to buy herself some time because she doesn’t really like the idea of unloading all her issues onto a stranger.

 

_you did that with toni, didn’t you?_

 

yeah, and look where that got her…

 

“i…i was dating a man for over ten years before i met this this girl who helped me realize that i’m gay. she was…was my therapist and in the process of seeing her…we fell in love with each other. my father tried to sue her for brainwashing me, and he tried to bribe one of her best friend’s into saying she sexually assaulted him, but her best friend revealed the truth to the judge and the case was dismissed as a mistrial. i thought that would be the end of it, that she and i could be together again afterwards, but…she hates me now. and she has every right to. she won't speak to me and my father is sending me threatening voicemails at least three times a day since it happened because of fines, like it's _my_ fault he tampered with a witness...but all i can think about is how much i _miss_ her.”

 

‘mad dog’ is silent for a very, very long time as cheryl fiddles with the rim of her glass, fingering the peanuts before grabbing another handful and shoving them into her mouth as she tries her best to blink back her tears before the man finally lets out a long, shaky sigh and takes another long sip of his beer.

 

“damn…and i thought i had it bad.” 

 

cheryl snorts with laughter, causing her to choke and resulting in a few peanuts flying out of her mouth as ‘mad dog’ thumps her back with a loud laugh of his own. 

 

“so…you’re gay, guess that rules out me asking for your number.” he says after another few long moments, and cheryl groans before she rests the side of her head into her hand and looks at him apologetically.

 

“i’m sorry.”

 

“hey, don’t be! can i at least get your name, though?” he says gently, gripping her shoulder and giving it a squeeze as cheryl smiles and looks to him with slightly drooping eyes from drunkenness.

 

“cheryl.” she manages to get out. ‘mad dog’ smiles before he holds his hand out for her to take.

 

“andre ‘mad dog’ moore. nice to meet you, cheryl.” he says softly. cheryl takes his hand, gives it a firm shake before she grabs her drink and drowns the rest of it, relishing in the burn of alcohol down her throat as andre chuckles and watches her do so with a shake of his head.

 

“she must be pretty if you’re this caught up on her.” he teases. cheryl swallows loudly and scoffs before looking at him in despair.

 

“she’s the most beautiful girl i’ve ever seen in my life. inside and out.” she says hoarsely, pushing the peanuts and the glass away from her with a turning stomach and a hangover already looming over her head as andre finishes off his beer and suddenly stands from his seat with a sigh.

 

“in that case, you want my advice, cheryl?” he says simply. cheryl lets out a shaky sigh and looks at him expectantly, and he suddenly pulls out a hundred dollar bill from his wallet and places it on the table before nodding at the bartender with a smile and turning to face her once more.

 

“fight for your girl. because if you don’t and you spend the rest of your life wallowing in here and getting drunk…you’re gonna regret it.” he says firmly.

 

cheryl blinks back more tears, lets one fall and escape before she sniffs because she _has_ tried. she’s tried calling toni over a hundred times, has left voicemail after voicemail and texted her desperately asking her to answer her calls, to just _talk_ to her, or send her _something_ just to let cheryl know she’s at least alive, but…nothing.

 

she _is_ fighting for them. it’s _toni_ who isn’t…

 

“i don’t think she w-wants me anymore.” cheryl says shakily, her heart breaking with those simple words before andre grips her shoulder and shakes his head.

 

“if she fell in love with you once before, chances are, she _never stopped._ so just remind her…remind her why she fell in love with you in the first place.” 

 

the words smack into cheryl like a fucking tidal wave, slamming into her and making her gasp as andre simply raises an eyebrow at her and gives her a small smirk before nodding his head to the front door of the bar.

 

“come on, i’ll get us a cab, make sure you get home safe. no way i’m letting you walk out there on your own with all those creeps out there.” he mutters, offering a wave at the bartender, who simply nods back as cheryl clumsily grabs her purse and stumbles onto her feet with andre gripping her elbow to keep her steady.

 

“how do i know you’re not one of the creeps?” cheryl murmurs, and andre tightens his grip just slightly before he chuckles and nods with a shrug.

 

“you make a valid point, red.” 

 

however, andre proves cheryl wrong, ever the gentleman as he hails a cab and helps cheryl get in before he slides in beside her, and he looks to cheryl expectantly as she clears her throat and gives the cab driver an address.

 

the ride there is silent, but as soon as they pull up to the front of the familiar building, cheryl feels her stomach begin to do summersaults as andre grips her hand and gives it a gentle squeeze.

 

“do you need me to walk you up to your apartment?” he asks with worry. cheryl simply purses her lips and shakes her head before she gives him a small smile.

 

“thank you, andre.” she whispers, unable to contain her grin when andre smiles back at her softly.

 

“no problem. see you around, cheryl.” she opens the door and makes her way out, stumbling towards the front door and pushing it open before she makes her way over to the elevator and resists the urge that wells up inside her to push the button five times.

 

she forgot alcohol dilutes the effects of her medication…she's been drinking non stop for the last week, this can't be good...

 

she bites down hard on her bottom lip as the doors open, and she rushes inside and hits the button to take her to level twelve and clenches her fist as the doors swing shut.

 

she shouldn’t be here. she shouldn’t be doing this, she shouldn’t-

 

but she _has_ to.

 

the door opens, revealing level twelve to her, and cheryl makes a beeline, albeit a slightly stumbling beeline, straight to apartment number four. 

 

she stands outside of it for what feels like forever, hand raised, poised…ready to knock.

 

about twenty minutes pass before cheryl finds her hand falling limply to her side as tears fall down her cheeks and she just…collapses.

 

she sinks against the door with a dull thud and a whimper, slides down it with her legs twisting uncomfortably, but her body too exhausted and drunk to do anything about it.

 

she weeps and weeps and weeps before she finally manages to scratch her fingers against the door with a feeble whimper of toni’s name, pawing at the wood desperately, and it quickly hits her that she doesn’t even know if toni’s home, she’s probably out enjoying her freedom after being locked in her house for almost two fucking months, no cops posted outside her apartment on the street…

 

_i did that to her…it’s my fault-_

 

the door opens, and cheryl falls backwards with a squeal.

 

her head connects with the tiled floor, a groan escaping her as her head pounds so harshly, she can feel it in her throat as the world spins and she stares up at the ceiling, but it isn’t long at all before a flash of pink dances across her vision-

 

and toni hovers over her with this look on her face that cheryl wishes she could scrub clean from her brain completely.

 

“cheryl…what are you doing here?” 

 

it’s so reminiscent…so reminiscent of when cheryl showed up at her trailer, god, this can’t be happening, can it? not again, cheryl can’t keep fighting for something that maybe just isn’t meant to fucking work out…

 

“t-toni…” it’s all she manages to get out, her heart aching and her chest constricting with each inhale as toni stares down at her with nothing but sadness in her eyes before she’s bending down and brushing cheryl’s hair back from her face tenderly.

 

“oh, cheryl…” toni whispers, this smile lighting up her face as tears well in her eyes, and cheryl grips her hand tightly, squeezes it and brings it to her lips to kiss her knuckles, unable to stop herself, unable to contain any of the emotions in her heart anymore.

 

she misses her…god, she misses her, it’s like she can’t fucking breathe properly when toni isn’t with her-

 

“i’m sorry…is this a bad time?”

 

the sound of another female voice has cheryl’s entire body freezing against the floor, her hand still clutching toni’s as the pink haired girl sighs and suddenly hooks her arms under cheryl’s armpits and helps her up slowly. 

 

“uh, yeah, a little…i’m sorry, can we reschedule?”

 

“of course, not a problem.” cheryl’s vision rights itself as she settles on her feet and stares at the end of the hallway to see a slightly older woman with short blonde hair and a slim figure standing there with a smile, watching them both as she makes her way towards them. 

 

_she’s seeing someone else…oh my god, oh my god, she’s dating someone else-_

 

cheryl’s gonna fucking vomit-

 

“i’ll call you later…thanks for coming by, samantha.” toni murmurs, and the woman simply nods before she looks to cheryl sympathetically and exits the apartment through the door.

 

cheryl gags at the smell of her perfume, thinks it must be clinging to toni’s skin because it doesn’t seem to _go away_ as the pink haired woman leads her towards the bathroom quickly with a frown of concern etched on her face.

 

“god, i can _smell_ the alcohol on you, cheryl. how drunk are you?”

 

cheryl can’t reply, because they pass the living room on their way to the bathroom and she sees two glasses of wine on the coffee table-

 

_oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god-_

 

she barely makes it to the toilet before she’s dry heaving straight into it, her body unable to expel the contents but somehow still imitating the act of it until it’s collapsing forward, her knees hitting the tiles harshly as her hands flail to grip the toilet seat to stop herself from sinking into it completely. 

 

she faintly hears toni sighing behind her before gentle fingers are gripping her hair and pulling it away from her face, a soothing hand rubbing her neck as she coughs and splutters with tears and mascara lines tracking down her cheeks in anguish. 

 

“sh-she…sh-she-.” cheryl can barely fucking speak, she can’t stop crying, but toni’s eyes narrow in confusion before they widen in acknowledgement, and she purses her lips before she shakes her head with a loud sigh.

 

“she wasn’t my date, she’s…she’s the owner of this building. i’m selling the apartment, or…or renting it out permanently, i’m not too sure yet…” toni says firmly, averting her gaze.

 

cheryl’s heart stops. 

 

selling…she’s selling the apartment? why is she selling the apartment, she can’t sell the apartment, what is she doing-

 

“you’re…why?” cheryl chokes out.

 

and toni’s next words may as well stab her heart out with how firmly and matter of factly they’re said.

 

“because i’m leaving new york.”

 

cheryl doesn’t gag, doesn’t vomit, doesn’t do anything.

 

she just sinks backwards against the wall, her breathing harsh and her heart pounding wildly as toni does the same opposite her with a loud and shaky sigh, her head slamming against the wall with a gentle thud as she does.

 

they stare at each other for a long time, neither of them capable of words before cheryl somehow manages to swallow down the lump in her throat with a sniff.

 

“were…were you gonna tell me?” she says in a small voice. toni winces, her expression turning to one of disbelief before she looks to cheryl sadly.

 

“of course i was, cher…i was just waiting to see if i was gonna really go through with it first. but i’ve made up my mind now.” toni says firmly. cheryl draws her knees up to her chest in an effort to stop the crushing weight of her chest against her lungs, her ribs aching for reasons she can’t explain as she hugs them close with her body trembling wildly from the cold tiles against the skin of her thighs.

 

she thought the red dress she’s wearing was a lot longer than this…

 

“so you’re leaving me…” she croaks out, nodding once and closing her eyes to let her tears fall before she hears toni sigh. she hears the sound of shuffling before she feels toni’s warmth beside her, and she opens her eyes just as toni grabs her hand and takes it into her own, interlacing their fingers as she does. 

 

“cheryl…i can’t stay here. the judge may have thrown out the case and i may have been proven innocent, but my reputation…it’s tarnished forever around here. three of my patients have decided to seek help elsewhere, and the higher ups would only allow me to come back to work with them if i had veronica overseeing every single one of my sessions, and i just…i couldn’t do that to my other patients…having someone watching over my shoulder, it’s no way to help them heal…so i quit.” toni mumbles, squeezing her hand as cheryl lets out a whimper and bites down on her bottom lip to stop it from trembling.

 

she’s cost toni her job now, too…cheryl went on and on about how she was the one who lost everything when the reality is…

 

the reality is, she’s taken _everything from toni._

 

selfish, she’s so fucking selfish, how the hell did toni ever fall in love with her in the first fucking place-

 

“i’m sorry…i’m so sorry, toni-.” she blubbers out, relishing in the feeling of toni’s hand in her own as the pink haired girl sighs and suddenly turns her head to rest her lips against cheryl’s temple tenderly.

 

“cheryl…it’s not your fault.” she mumbles against her skin before she rests her cheek on the top of cheryl’s head as she rests it in the dip of toni’s shoulder. toni plays with her fingers absentmindedly, cheryl’s hand reaching across her body to grip at toni’s bicep as she snuggles closer to her, and when toni doesn’t protest, cheryl takes it as a win amongst a cavalcade of losses, lets the silence wash over them and dreads the question that bubbles to the surface of her tongue.

 

she knows she has to ask it. she just really doesn’t fucking want to.

 

because once toni confirms it, that’s it. 

 

“i missed you so much…” toni whispers suddenly, inhaling deeply as she presses a kiss to cheryl’s hair, and the red haired girl closes her eyes and holds her tighter, shuffling impossibly closer until there’s virtually no space between them anymore. 

 

she missed her…that’s a good sign, isn’t it? maybe…maybe there’s hope-

 

_ask her…god, end the nightmare, cheryl, just ask her…_

 

“are…are we over?” cheryl squeaks out, her grip subconsciously tightening as toni inhales sharply against her, and it’s the extended silence that has cheryl’s whole body trembling, and not just from the cold of the tiles against her skin before toni swallows thickly and shakes her head against her.

 

“i…i don’t know. i don’t know, cheryl, all i know is that i love you.” she says hoarsely. cheryl pulls back and looks up at her with a whine, her whole chin wobbling as she lets the tears in her eyes build and spill over. 

 

“then stay…please, stay, please don’t leave me…please, toni, stay with me…” cheryl whimpers, the hand tangled with toni’s pulling out of her grip to cup her cheek, thumb brushing tenderly over the slightly flushed skin before toni grips her wrist with a slightly clenched jaw and tears of her own.

 

“i can’t. i’m sorry, cheryl, i’m so sorry, but i just…i can’t.” she whispers, her head falling forward to rest against cheryl’s forehead, and cheryl simply licks her lips and nods against her slowly, sighing shakily as she does before she pulls away and looks at her with a sad smile.

 

“where will you go?” she whispers back. toni smiles and suddenly presses a kiss to the palm of her hand.

 

“the vacation home…it’s almost done. and those kids on the southside still need me. i’m moving back home to riverdale until i figure things out.” toni croaks out. cheryl swallows loudly, purses her lips to stop herself from crying more, but it’s no use, fresh tears falling down her cheeks as she bites down on her trembling bottom lip and looks up at toni in despair.

 

“i don’t want you to go.” she breathes. toni closes her eyes, tears falling like diamonds onto her skin as she clenches her jaw and finally opens her eyes to look at the girl before her.

 

“come on…you can sleep here tonight, okay? we’ll talk more about this in the morning when you’re sober.” she says with a slight chuckle. cheryl groans as toni slowly pushes herself up and grips cheryl’s hand to drag her along with her, and toni helps move her to the room that used to be hers…back when things were so good, back when _they_ were so good…together and happy and so, so, _so_ fucking in love…

 

she all but collapses down onto the bed, and a request for toni to stay is on the tip of her tongue before her vision gets too blurry and she just blacks out completely, only faintly hearing the sound of toni’s soft voice before she does.

 

_“sweet dreams, cher…i love you.”_

 

\--------------------

 

the sunlight filtering in through the glass windows hits cheryl straight in the face first thing in the morning, and at the immediate throbbing that registers behind her eyes the second she squints them open, cheryl wishes more than anything that death would quickly follow.

 

her whole body feels like it’s on fire, the taste of vodka stagnant in the back of her throat and still coating the taste buds on her tongue as she groans and reaches out a flailing hand in an attempt to find _something_ to cover her eyes with. 

 

she hits something hard and almost screams when the thing she hits moves and lets out a loud whine of pain.

 

“ow!” 

 

she gasps and blinks open her eyes immediately, sits up wildly and looks beside her in panic to find none other than toni topaz grumbling beside her as she grabs the blankets over her body and pulls them over her head, face screwed up in disgruntlement before it’s covered by purple fabric.

 

cheryl hisses and rubs at the side of her head in an attempt to alleviate the pain pounding through it before she sees toni’s body move with a deep sigh and the purple covers are suddenly thrown off her face with a huff.

 

“i would’ve enjoyed five more minutes of sleep, you know.” she rasps, lifting her small fists up to her eyes to rub them tiredly as cheryl continues to look down at her in shock.

 

she remembers everything from last night because of course she fucking does, but she definitely doesn’t remember toni falling asleep beside her…

 

“i…wanted to keep an eye on you. guess i fell asleep doing so.” toni murmurs, slowly pushing herself up into a seated position as she suppresses a yawn, but all cheryl can focus on is the way her pink haired is slightly tousled from sleep and the way her shirt rides up slightly to reveal the smooth skin of her stomach, and before she can stop herself, she’s blinking back tears and fiddling with the blanket that’s draped over her body still, only slightly registering that she’s still in the red dress from last night as well. toni sighs beside her again, and cheryl swallows the quick lump in her throat, winces at the taste of vodka still there and looks up at her slowly.

 

“so…” she croaks out, clearing her throat the second she hears how cracked her voice is, and toni sighs and runs her fingers through her haphazard hair with a nod.

 

“so…we have a lot to discuss. like you showing up drunk on my doorstep.” she says with a slight smirk of amusement, prompting cheryl to groan and collapse back down onto the bed in embarrassment. 

 

“god, i’m an idiot-.”

 

“no you’re not…” toni says with a chuckle, turning onto her side and propping herself up on her elbow, head resting in the palm of her hand as she watches cheryl with that same look of amusement, but also a mixture of adoration that has cheryl licking her lips and staring back equally so. 

 

“how do we even start?” she whispers. toni purses her lips before she suddenly uses her free hand to reach down and grab cheryl’s, fingertips first brushing over her wrist before she begins playing with her fingers distractedly just like last night.

 

“how about we start with ‘how are you feeling’?” toni whispers, staring at their intertwined fingers for a couple of moments before she looks up at cheryl, who simply looks up at her with a wry smile.

 

“this isn’t one of your therapy sessions, toni…” she whispers back. toni chuckles and cocks an eyebrow as her fingers begin brushing up and down the side of her hand gently, her thumb tracing circles on the inside of her palm. 

 

“isn’t it?” she teases. cheryl smiles despite herself, relishes in the feeling of toni touching her so delicately before she swallows loudly and looks up at toni sadly.

 

“have you heard anything from moose or kevin?” she asks softly. toni sighs loudly before she shakes her head slowly, playing with cheryl’s fingers once more and avoiding eye contact as she does.

 

“not really…moose got fined, i don’t know how much, but it’s a lot…him and kevin are having problems now, but i told moose i forgive him. i understand why he did it, his father is finally making an effort to want him, he doesn't want to lose that. they have a real chance to repair their relationship now..." toni says with a sigh, and cheryl purses her lips before she looks up at her with a shaky sigh.

 

"it’s not easy to lose someone when you’ve just got them back…” she whispers, watching as toni suddenly visibly swallows before she ducks her head slightly in what looks like guilt. cheryl lets out a shaky breath, looks up at toni in despair before she reaches a hand out to grip her chin, moving her head to meet her gaze before she brushes her thumb over toni’s cheek tenderly.

 

“toni…how are you feeling?” cheryl whispers. toni licks her lips and lifts the hand currently playing with her fingers to grip cheryl’s wrist gently.

 

“that’s cheating…i asked first.” she says with a sad smile. cheryl purses her lips and shakes her head.

 

“you always ask first…maybe that’s part of the problem.” cheryl says guiltily, her turn now to look down at their intertwined fingers to avoid eye contact before toni chuckles loudly.

 

“well i am a therapist, it’s kind of my job to ask first-.”

 

“toni…” cheryl interrupts softly, knowing exactly what toni’s trying to do here, but it won’t work. no more distractions, no more stalling…

 

cheryl needs her to _talk._ because, more than anything…cheryl wants to _understand._ she wants to understand why toni hasn’t spoken to her in three weeks, why she’s leaving, why she’s moving away…

 

toni swallows loudly before she suddenly licks her lips and blinks rapidly to dispel the tears that threaten to fall, looking up at cheryl with shiny brown eyes filled with anguish.

 

“i don’t know how i feel, cheryl. i’m not…i’m not mad at you, and god, i’m not even mad at your father. i’m just…i’m mad at myself.” toni says hoarsely, detaching herself from cheryl completely as she hugs her knees up to her chest and rests her chin on top of them with a solemn sigh.

 

“why?” cheryl probes, sitting up slowly as well and contemplating whether or not to place her hand on toni’s back for comfort before she ends up letting it flop to her side uselessly instead. toni turns her head slightly so her cheek is resting on her knees instead to look at her with a sad smile.

 

“because…i should’ve stayed away from you right from the start. the second i started having feelings for you, i should’ve handed your case to veronica and left it at that. but i didn’t and now all of _this_ has happened-.”

 

“stop…please, just stop. none of this is your fault, god, you’re the last person to blame for any of this, toni…” cheryl interrupts immediately, disbelief gripping her that toni is actually placing _any_ of the blame on herself right now.

 

how can she possibly be at fault for any of this? this was cheryl’s fucked up father who put toni through this, cheryl’s more to fucking blame than toni is, and yet, she’s blaming herself…

 

how can one person be so fucking selfless?

 

toni stares at her almost blankly, like she’s observing her before she inhales sharply, a tear escaping the corner of her eye and falling over her the bridge of her nose from the way her head is angled.

 

“i should’ve stayed away.” she whispers. cheryl blinks back tears of her own before she shifts closer to the pink haired girl, throwing caution to the wind and extending her arm to wrap around toni’s waist before she can stop herself.

 

“i’m the one who wouldn’t let you go.” cheryl whispers back. toni scoffs and suddenly shifts closer into her embrace as well.

 

“i should’ve been more persistent, told you that we couldn’t be together more firmly-.”

 

“and if you had, we never would’ve fallen in love and i would’ve married archie, and we both know that would’ve led to miserable lives for all three of us.” cheryl says matter of factly, smiling at the way toni lets out a shaky sigh before she bites down on her bottom lip and looks up at her with big doe eyes filled with sadness.

 

“you would’ve figured it out eventually, cher…you’re smarter than you give yourself credit for.” 

 

“i think you think too much of me. i really wouldn’t have…and i’d probably still be stuck under my father’s thumb because of it, doing everything he asked…like a robot, programmed to do as he commanded.” cheryl clenches her jaw, anger flooding her at the very thought of that man she unfortunately shares genetic dna with as toni takes her hand and gives it a gentle squeeze, as if to bring her back from her thoughts, which it does.

 

god, it always does…

 

“cheryl, i’m sorry. i really am sorry that i’ve been avoiding your calls and your texts for the last three weeks, i just…i needed time. time to wrap my mind around everything that’s happened, time to sort myself out, to try and get my job back, and to just figure out what i’m feeling. it’s…it’s _hard._ i may have been proven innocent but there’s people out there who don’t believe i am. once you get that label, that’s it, it never leaves you. they still see me as this sex offender, and as much as i don’t care and have _never_ cared about what other people think about me…it _hurts._ when people in riverdale labelled me as a gang member and a troublemaker, i didn’t care, because part of it was the truth. but to be labelled as being capable of something like _that?_ it’s…god…” toni buries her face into her hands suddenly, small sniffs escaping her as cheryl slumps forward in defeat.

 

this is all her fault…

 

“i’m sorry…i’m so s-sorry, toni-.”

 

“cheryl, please…none of this is your fault, and i don’t want you to think for a second that it is so just…stop. stop apologizing for something you didn’t even do.” toni croaks out, reaching up slowly to brush her fingers over cheryl’s cheeks, wiping away the tears that fall quickly. cheryl leans in a little closer, expecting toni to move away, but to her surprise, the pink haired girl simply inhales sharply before she closes the gap and lets their foreheads bounce against each other gently, warm skin resting against warm skin…

 

“i wish we could go back to how things were before.” cheryl breathes, unable to restrain herself from lifting a hand to tuck a lock of hair behind toni’s ear tenderly. 

 

“i don’t think we ever can, cher…” toni whispers back solemnly. cheryl closes her eyes, gets lost in the feeling of toni’s skin against her own, wishes more than anything that she could just lean forward and capture those perfect pink lips between her own, but she doesn’t want to do something that’ll just cause toni to hate her even more. 

 

but this…even if she just gets this, it’s okay…she can live with just this, god, she could live with _anything_ toni gives her right now, but the thought…the thought of not having her anymore…of not waking up to her warm body beside her, or that smile, that goddamn fucking smile…

 

“toni…please don’t go. don’t leave me, please…” the way her voice comes out, completely broken and pleading, it _kills_ her to sound so weak, but she can’t help it. toni is the best thing to ever fucking happen to her and the idea of losing her right now is enough to send her into a tailspin of complete and utter desolation. toni lets out a whimper of her own at the sound of it, and cheryl feels the way she’s trembling, feels the way _toni_ is trembling as the pink haired girl takes her hands and presses a kiss to her knuckles sweetly.

 

“cheryl, i can’t. please try to understand where i’m coming from, i can’t stay _here._ new york has nothing for me anymore, and if i stay here, i’m just gonna be a target. i want to fight, for you, for _us_ , but…i’m tired. i’m just so tired.” toni’s eyes flutter closed, this look of exhaustion written all over her face as cheryl bites down on her trembling bottom lip and shakes her head.

 

“y-you sh-shouldn’t have to leave just b-because of me and my f-father, it isn’t fair-.”

 

“i know it isn’t, shh…i’m not leaving because of you or your father. i’m leaving because i _want_ to. new york has nothing left for me, but maybe…maybe a fresh start in riverdale does.” toni whispers, brushing her tears and pressing a kiss to her temple as cheryl all but collapses into her with a choked out sob.

 

this is it…this is really it, it’s over between them…toni’s leaving and cheryl will likely never see her again, fuck, this can’t be happening…

 

“will…will we ever see each other again? will we ever _be_ together again?” cheryl asks in a small voice. toni lets out a shaky sigh as she rests her chin on top of cheryl’s head.

 

“i…i have hope.” she whispers back. cheryl reaches out and clutches the fabric of toni’s shirt between her fingers at those words, a whine escaping her as she leans in to inhale the scent of toni’s shampoo, nose buried into her neck before she shakes her head petulantly. 

 

“i don’t want us to be broken up, toni.” she whimpers, her grip tightening as toni reaches up and runs her fingers through cheryl’s hair tenderly.

 

“i don’t want us to be broken up, either.” 

 

god, this just isn’t fair…fuck, fuck it, fuck, she’s not going down without a fight, she can’t, she _can’t_ lose her-

 

“then why? why are we doing this to each other?” cheryl breathes, pulling back and looking up at her with wide eyes, sniffing once and letting out a suppressed hiccup as toni licks her lips, teeth gnawing at her bottom one anxiously while her eyes dart all over cheryl’s face with longing.

 

“i…we…” her words splutter out of her, almost like she’s trying to find her voice, and for a second, this flicker of hope shines in cheryl, bursts through her heart and causes her to lean in close, because toni’s struggling to fucking find a reason, there’s hope, there’s _hope-_

 

“because, i…cher…” 

 

closer…closer and closer, fuck, she can almost count toni’s eyelashes, she’s so close to what she _wants…_

 

“why?” cheryl croaks out one last time, and before she can do anything, toni lets out this almost pained whine before she’s curling a hand around the back of her neck possessively.

 

“fuck, i have no idea.” she breathes, and with that, toni closes the gap and takes cheryl’s lips between her own, sucking harshly on her bottom lip before doing the same to the top as cheryl clings to her desperately and moans against her with wild abandon.

 

because it’s been over a _month_ without this, without _her_ , and cheryl feels as if it’s the first time. like they’re back in that decrepit trailer of toni’s in riverdale, like they’re kissing for the first time all over again and there’s fireworks exploding behind her eyes and butterflies roaming in her stomach, like every fucking nerve ending in her body is sparking to life with electricity-

 

toni pulls herself into cheryl’s lap, the redhead’s arms wrapping around her waist as toni grips her shoulders to steady herself before gripping her face and pushing her head up to meet her lips with an even hungrier kiss than before, and cheryl knows that if there’s one thing she’s sure of in her life, it’s that having toni topaz in her arms will never, _ever_ compare to anything else. the way she fits so perfectly against her, it shouldn’t be _normal_ , to be this connected with someone, but it’s here and it’s _real_ and cheryl doesn’t want to let it go-

 

“wait, wait…” toni breathes suddenly, pulling back and attempting to push cheryl away, but the redhead tightens her grip around her waist with a whine of anguish as toni attempts to catch her breath with a shake of her head.

 

“we c-can’t, we can’t, please, don’t make this harder than it already is, cheryl, please…” 

 

and cheryl wants to tell her to just not leave, to stay here with her instead then if it’s so hard, but then toni’s words reverberate in her mind…

 

_a fresh start in riverdale…doesn’t she deserve that? free from you, and your fucked up family, and the problems at work and god, just everything…doesn’t she fucking deserve that?_

 

she has to let her go. and as much as it fucking kills her, she knows it’s the right thing to do.

 

“i know…i know, i’m sorry…” cheryl manages to choke out, the realization hitting her straight in the heart and causing her to almost collapse against toni as her forehead comes to rest against toni’s collarbone. 

 

they simply hold each other for a long time, cheryl’s hands roaming up and down toni’s back as the other runs her fingers through cheryl’s red hair, and it’s silence that creeps itself into both their hearts before cheryl finally pulls back and looks up at her with nothing but desperation shining in her eyes.

 

“toni, please be careful. my father lives in riverdale, you’re just putting yourself closer to him, and if he hurts you more than he already has…” toni smiles sadly and suddenly rests a finger over her lips to silence her.

 

“the blossoms have never stepped foot in the southside, cheryl and i don’t think even little old me can change that, no matter how much they hate me. the southside is probably the safest place for me to be right now, which is kind of ironic, considering…” she mutters, trailing off with a scoff, but it doesn’t stop cheryl’s heart from racing as she lets out a shaky breath and shakes her head.

 

“yes, well, that may be so, but he might be mad enough to break tradition.” she grumbles. toni’s expression turns to one of confusion, a frown taking over her delicate features as she pushes herself off of cheryl’s lap and sits opposite her with a look of concern.

 

“what do you mean?” cheryl swallows thickly and begins playing with the blanket once again, a sigh escaping her as she does.

 

“he’s…been sending me threatening voicemails, leaving messages…he’s not very happy with me and i don’t want him to get me through you. he’s already done that enough.” cheryl says firmly, licking her lips before toni suddenly does something unexpected.

 

she curses under her breath and tucks a finger under cheryl’s chin to lift her gaze, gripping her face in her hands with a look of panic shining in her eyes.

 

“wait…cheryl, why didn’t you tell me this earlier? what did he say, is he threatening to hurt you?” she demands angrily, her fingers still soft against her skin despite it as cheryl grips her wrists with a scoff and a shake of her head.

 

“who cares, toni? he’s already won! you’re leaving, i’m losing you, so what’s the point? let him say what he wants.” cheryl deadpans, but toni’s grip suddenly grows harder as she bares her teeth and looks at cheryl with a blaze of anger.

 

“that’s no reason for you to stop fighting! you can’t let him get away with that, cheryl!” she exclaims. cheryl looks at her for a long time, sees how the fight in her eyes slowly begins to diminish with each second that cheryl stares at her before she finally replies.

 

“toni…you said you’re tired? i am, too. you’ve only been fighting clifford for three months? i’ve been fighting him for twenty five years. i’m just…exhausted. i have nothing left in me to fight him, okay? let him do what he wants to me, just…just as long as he doesn’t hurt you.” she manages to get out, swallowing the lump in her throat and watching as toni’s expression softens before she’s blinking back tears and pursing her lips in an effort to keep them down.

 

“i…cheryl…fuck, be careful, please? please, please, be careful...” toni whispers. cheryl manages to finally pull toni’s grip off her and simply gives her a sad smile.

 

“whatever he has planned for me, i’ll deal with it. don’t worry.” she says simply. toni hesitates, eyes wide and watching as she slumps backwards away from cheryl in defeat, eyes downcast to the blanket beneath their bodies.

 

“you shouldn’t have to deal with it alone…” she whispers again. 

 

and for reasons cheryl can’t explain, she feels nothing but anger flood her.

 

because her father is the reason she _is_ dealing with this alone. because toni is leaving her _because_ of her father. because her father is still a fucking factor in their discussion and god, cheryl is fucking _sick_ of it.

 

how much longer was he going to continue to ruin her fucking life?

 

“well, i guess i’ll just have to, because we’re clearly not going to work out, considering we’re still letting my fucking father get in between us!” cheryl all but screams, jumping up from the bed and reaching for her heels to slip them on, her anger growing and growing until all she can feel is how her skin is on fire and she’s stuck between wanting to drive the three hours to riverdale to tell her father to fuck off and wanting to just go home and cry for the next five hours.

 

always her family, ruining her life, not getting her the help she needs, forcing her to stay in a relationship she didn't want to stay in, threatening her, beating her, _hurting_ her, and now they're taking away the one good thing that's ever fucking happened to her.

 

it’s fucking over.

 

she and toni are _over._

 

“cheryl-.”

 

“whatever. i sh-shouldn’t have come here last night, i’m sorry. w-won’t happen again. goodbye, toni, have a good life in riverdale.” cheryl says quickly with a shaky voice as she tries to keep her tears at bay. 

 

toni reaches out, but cheryl's already halfway to the door, and with that, she runs out of the room, ignoring the way toni lets out an almost choked out whine at her departure.


	22. toni doesn't loop her 'l's

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiiiiiiiii, we're almost at the end of this fic and y'all are gonna go through like five different emotions with this chapter but i hope you like it regardless! i'm very sick rn and i don't know what's wrong so count some hail mary's for me pls, okay byeeeeeeeeeee! 
> 
> twitter: @endofdaysforme
> 
> tw: smut in the beginning, and also graphic violence towards the end

the second cheryl walks through the door of josie’s apartment, she makes a beeline straight for the guest bedroom, her entire body trembling and shaking as she continues to fight back tears desperately, but it’s no use.

 

she’s been crying ever since she got into the cab outside toni’s apartment, hasn’t been able to stop and probably freaked the fuck out of her driver from how hard she’d sobbed the entire drive here. 

 

she feels hopeless. she knows she shouldn’t have left it like that, how could she just walk out? god, her anger just got the better of her, she’s just so sick of her father having an influence on every little thing in her life, and for him to cause _this_ now too…causing toni to want to leave new york completely, get as far away from her as possible, and fuck, cheryl doesn't blame her.

 

she loves her so much, and part of her deep down knows that toni loves her just as much, but it's not enough.

 

it's not fucking enough...

 

josie, of course, catches on immediately, because she’s all but throwing down the bowl of chips onto the coffee table and jumping up from the couch in the living room with wide eyes before she's running straight after her. she manages to catch the door before it slams shut as cheryl all but collapses face first onto the bed with a loud sob.

 

“cheryl!?” josie rushes to her side, collapses down beside her and grips her shoulder, squeezing it before pulling the redhead into her embrace, and cheryl clutches josie’s shirt, unable to even see her best friend through the tears of despair falling down her cheeks-

 

“cheryl, what happened?” josie whispers softly, hands rubbing at her back and arms as cheryl struggles to take deep breaths in.

 

“sh-she…i-.”

 

“hey, hey, shh…it’s okay, just breathe…” josie murmurs, gently raking her fingers through cheryl’s hair in an effort to calm her down, and it takes several minutes before cheryl’s finally able to get out the words stuck in her throat from her sadness.

 

“it’s o-over! it’s o-over, j-josie!” she stammers, shaking her head before she’s burying her face into her best friend’s neck, still gripping her shirt like a lifeline while josie looks down at her in confusion.

 

“what is? cheryl, where have you been all night? i’ve been so worried-.”

 

“t-toni…she’s l-leaving, josie! sh-she’s leaving n-new york!” cheryl wails loudly, not even caring that she probably sounds absolutely pathetic right now, crying over something that she can’t change, crying over someone who has every right to leave because fuck, cheryl doesn’t have any control over toni and what she chooses to do with her life and after everything just knowing cheryl has cost toni, she should want to leave, to get as far away from her as possible, but it still fucking _hurts._

 

toni is leaving her, voluntarily, and cheryl can’t help but feel like maybe everything they’ve gone through was for nothing. they fought so hard to be together from the fucking start when the truth is…the truth is maybe it was a sign that they weren’t meant to be together from day one…that all that struggle was trying to tell them was that they weren't meant for each other.

 

but god, the idea of it, the idea of toni not being her soulmate, of _toni_ not being the love of her life, or the person she’s meant to spent the rest of her life with…it _can’t_ be, there’s no way she can have that kind of connection with someone for it not to be special, for it not to end in eternity…

 

“oh, cheryl, i’m so sorry, sweetie…” josie whispers sadly, clutching her closer and rocking her back and forth in an effort to calm her down as cheryl whimpers and tries her best not to break down even more at how gentle josie is being with her right now. 

 

“i c-can’t lose her, jos…”

 

“i know…i know, cheryl, but maybe this is what she needs to move on from everything that’s happened to her, you know?” josie murmurs, brushing the strands of hair stuck to her cheeks from her tears back and tucking them behind her ear with a sad smile as cheryl hiccups and sniffs with bloodshot, puffy eyes and a trembling bottom lip.

 

she’s right…god, they’re both right, but cheryl _needs_ her here…how is she supposed to live without toni? that woman changed _everything_ for her, and she loves her so damn much, how is she supposed to just let her go?

 

“am i selfish?” cheryl croaks out suddenly, guilt rearing its ugly head as she looks up at josie with these big doe eyes that have her best friend looking at her sadly before she shakes her head furiously.

 

“not at all, cheryl blossom. you’re the least selfish person i know! you’re just…in love. and don’t want to lose the person you’re in love with. anyone can understand that, sweetie. even toni.” josie says with a reassuring smile that doesn’t help cheryl at all as she licks her lips and whines before collapsing into josie’s embrace once more.

 

as much as she's hurting, right now, cheryl is so thankful to have josie by her side, because her best friend simply holds her for a long time, running her fingers through cheryl’s hair before she sighs and rubs her back warmly.

 

“hey, i’ll be back, okay? i just gotta go call archie and tell him to postpone our date today-.”

 

“wait, what? wh-why?” cheryl gasps out, looking up at josie in shock as her best friend wipes away the tears falling down her cheeks with a soft chuckle.

 

“so we can hang out here instead and watch some movies, maybe eat some ice cream to make you feel better-.”

 

“n-no! no, i am _not_ getting in the w-way of romantic day between you and archie! g-go, i’ll…i’ll be okay.” cheryl protests immediately, pulling herself out of josie’s grip and wiping away the remainder of her tears as she pushes herself to stay strong, because there’s no way she’s letting her stupidity stop josie and archie from going on a romantic date, no fucking way. she’s ruined enough things lately, she won’t ruin them as well.

 

josie looks at her with wide eyes before she takes cheryl’s hand into her own and squeezes it tightly.

 

“cheryl, you’re my best friend-.”

 

“and you’re _mine_ , so when i say go, i mean _go._ i’m gonna be okay, josie, go have fun with your boyfriend.” cheryl reassures her with a slightly shaky smile. josie hesitates, confliction clear as day on her face before she glances down at the watch around her wrist and chews on her bottom lip, weighing out her options.

 

“josie, seriously…go.” cheryl whispers softly, smiling as josie lets out a deep sigh before she jumps off cheryl’s bed and purses her lips with a firm nod.

 

“okay…okay, fine, but if you need anything, and i mean _anything_ , you call me, okay?” josie says sternly. cheryl chews on the inside of her cheek to stop another influx of tears as she nods once, and josie watches her for a few moments before she leans forward to press a kiss to cheryl’s brow, the redhead’s eyes closing at the touch of her lips on her skin. 

 

“i love you, girl.”

 

“i love you too, josie. go get ready…” josie skips her way to the door, and cheryl watches her leave for a few moments before she finally finds it within herself to shed the dress she’s been wearing since last night, making her way to the guest bathroom connected to the guest bedroom to take a much needed shower.

 

she spends a long time in the shower, washing away the filth and the tears from last night off her body while also attempting to repress the fresh tears threatening to fall down her cheeks every time she dunks her head under the water, but she's feeling more refreshed than anything when she steps out. she contemplates putting on proper clothes, but all she ends up doing is putting on a loose, baggy shirt without even bothering with any pants before she’s crawling under the covers and bursting into tears once more. 

 

she just can’t believe it’s really over between them. after everything they’ve been through…cheryl opening up to toni about her childhood, toni helping her come to terms with her sexuality, toni being there for her through her break up with archie, cheryl being there for her during the anniversary of her best friends’ deaths, toni helping with her ocd, risking her career to make sure veronica changed her prescription, all these fucking things, and yet…

 

and yet it’s over. they’re done. all of that for them to just end up here…not together. 

 

god, it doesn’t make sense. none of it does, and cheryl doesn’t want to make sense of it because once she does, it becomes even more impossibly real, and she doesn't want it to be real just yet. she doesn't want to face it.

 

she hates her father. she hates him more than she’s ever hated anyone or anything in this entire goddamn universe-

 

“cheryl?”

 

cheryl’s thankful she’s facing away from the door, her body hunched over on its side as josie opens her door to look in, and when cheryl doesn’t respond, josie sighs and clicks the light off before she closes the door behind her, clearly thinking she’s asleep. 

 

cheryl loves her best friend, she really does, but she doesn’t want josie to see her like this, it’ll only give her more incentive to stay behind and besides…cheryl really wants to just be left alone right now…

 

a couple of minutes pass before cheryl hears the front door to the apartment open and close, and as the dead silence begins to echo out around her, cheryl feels herself getting more and more lost in her thoughts.

 

thoughts about what she could’ve done differently, of how things would be different if maybe she had done _more._

 

why didn’t she fight her father harder? why didn’t she demand he stop what he’s doing and leave toni alone? why didn’t she just do as he asked, marry archie and let him take over the company so that toni wouldn’t have to go through what she did? it would’ve been okay, being married to archie, wouldn’t it have been? and besides, her father was dying in a few months, she could’ve just fucking married archie and then as soon as her father carked it, divorce him, right?

 

_god, listen to what you’re fucking saying, cheryl…_

 

she’s going crazy, she must be. how is that even a sane option? and to put archie through that? to put _herself_ through that? she's officially losing her mind because of this situation, isn't she? god, what is going on, how could this all happen so fucking quickly...

 

she has no idea how much time has passed, staring at the wall with silent tears falling down her cheeks before eventually, there’s a knock at the front door, one that has cheryl groaning as she throws the covers over herself in an attempt to block it out, but the knocking is persistent and continues for well over two minutes, to the point where cheryl growls under her breath and throws the covers off before she’s all but marching out of her room and to the front door to tell whoever it is to-

 

“fuck off!” she screams as soon as she opens the door-

 

and is met with none other than toni topaz herself.

 

cheryl stumbles back slightly, staring at her in shock before her name simply escapes her lips in a breathless whisper.

 

“toni…”

 

the pink haired girl stares at her with this look cheryl can’t even begin to explain, cheeks damp with tears, eyes roaming over her body and taking in the pale skin of her exposed thighs before she’s stepping over the threshold, taking cheryl’s face into her slightly trembling hands, and capturing her full, pink lips with her own.

 

cheryl only slightly hesitates before she’s kissing her back, still trying to get over the shock of toni being _here_ , but as soon as the all too familiar taste and smell of something so purely toni topaz invades her senses, all other thoughts apart from toni’s lips on hers are thrown out of the window.

 

she wraps her arms around toni’s waist, pulling her in further until toni’s pulling away from her with a breathless gasp and resting her forehead against cheryl’s with a shaky sigh.

 

“i can’t do it…i can’t stay away from you, god knows i’ve tried so h-hard…but i can’t live without you. i c-can’t, i love you, i love you so much…” toni chokes out, fingers tracing over her cheeks, her jawline, tucking stray locks of hair behind her ear tenderly…

 

“t-toni…” cheryl breathes, but toni doesn’t let her speak, rests a finger over her lips to silence her before she pulls back to look deep into her eyes with slightly bared teeth.

 

“whatever he has planned…we get through it together. you hear me, cheryl blossom? your father can take my career and beat me down as much as he wants , but i swear to god if he lays a hand on you-.”

 

“toni, shut up.” cheryl whines, and before toni can protest, cheryl’s wrapping her arms around the petite girl once more and all but lifting her into the air as she throws out a flailing leg to shut the front door, smirking with satisfaction against toni’s lips when she hears the resounding thud that indicates it’s been shut. 

 

her lips don’t leave toni’s as she walks them backwards towards the guest room, her skin tingling, her mind buzzing as toni reaches for the hem of her shirt and tugs on it, pulling it up with a whine before cheryl gets the message to lift her arms so toni can take it off.

 

“how…did we go…three months…without each other?” toni breathes out through cheryl’s kisses to her jaw and collarbone, gasping when cheryl palms her backside and grips roughly before she bends her knees and lifts her, prompting toni to wrap her legs around cheryl’s waist as her thumbs push under cheryl’s chin to get her to tip her head back so she can continue kissing her feverishly. 

 

“you’re…the one…who prolonged it…by three weeks…” cheryl manages to get out between kisses, and toni groans loudly before she’s whispering the same word over and over again against cheryl’s mouth.

 

“stupid, stupid, stupid…”

 

cheryl honest to god _giggles_ before her knees collide with the bedframe and they’re both toppling over onto the bed with a squeal, cheryl landing roughly on top of toni and causing her to groan when cheryl’s elbow digs into her ribs.

 

“ow!”

 

“shit! toni, i’m sorry, are you okay-.” cheryl blabbers, hands resting on either side of toni’s head and pushing herself up to look down at her with concern, but she doesn’t even get the chance to worry before toni’s gripping the back of her neck with slightly bared teeth in frustration.

 

“shut up and _fuck_ me!” she growls, pulling her down for a rough and incredibly _dirty_ kiss that leaves cheryl completely breathless as her fingers fumble with the hem of toni’s shirt as well. her fingers brush over buttons, and cheryl grins against the skin of toni’s jaw before she’s pushing herself up until she’s straddling the pink haired girl beneath her. she hooks two fingers into one of the opening between two buttons on each side before she rips the shirt off completely, buttons flying everywhere as toni looks up at her in complete shock.

 

she wants rough, cheryl will fucking give her rough.

 

“i liked that shirt-.”

 

“too bad, it was in my way.” toni laughs against her as cheryl crashes their lips together, fingers gripping the lapels of her shirt and pushing it back before toni grips her waist and pushes herself up into a seated position so cheryl can slide the fabric down her arms. she throws the shirt over the side of the bed and pushes toni back down, a grunt escaping the pink haired girl as her back collides with the mattress while cheryl lays flat against her and trails her kisses down her neck, sucking and biting, burning the memory of toni’s skin into her brain, the touch of it, the _taste-_

 

“wait…wait, cher…” toni gasps out, fingers suddenly curling into her hair and tugging slightly to get her to lift her gaze as cheryl detaches her lips from toni’s pulse point with a slight wince at the way toni’s pulling on her hair before she looks up at her with wide eyes. toni brushes her fingers over cheryl’s swollen lips, eyes filled with tears as she tucks her long hair behind her ears with a sad smile.

 

“i’m sorry…i’m sorry for everything, i should’ve kissed you the second the judge let me go-.” toni's voice sounds so fucking broken, cheryl finds herself cutting her off with a desperate kiss.

 

“shh…it’s okay, toni. i understand…and you have nothing to apologize for. you needed time, and i…i should’ve been okay with giving that to you. _i’m_ the one that’s sorry-.”

 

toni silences her with a finger to her lips, her tears falling down the sides of her face and into her hair as she lets out a shaky sigh and smiles once more, and without another word, she cups the back of cheryl’s neck and pulls her down for a kiss, lips soft against her own, pliant, undemanding as cheryl pulls away from it only to brush her lips over the tears that have fallen down the sides of her face and into her hair, kissing them away tenderly as she does. 

 

nails dig into the small of her back as cheryl’s fingers dance along the contours of toni’s stomach, the muscles clenching beneath her touch in anticipation before cheryl fumbles with the button of toni’s jeans, popping them open while continue to suck sloppily at the base of toni’s throat in her haste. toni’s back arches as soon as cheryl bites down on the skin of her collarbone, teasing the skin with kisses and the scrape of her teeth before kissing away the red marks and relishing in the breathy gasps toni lets out in their wake. 

 

cheryl’s fingers deftly move back up to take advantage of toni’s position, moving under her back to unclasp her bra with a quick whip of two fingers, and cheryl can see the wet patches on toni’s neck from her kisses beginning to form goosebumps as the cold air around them hits those spots while toni moves a hand up to slide her fingers through the strap of her bra to pull it down on the left, but cheryl smiles, reaching out to stop her as toni looks up at her with almost black eyes filled with lust. cheryl leans down, trails kisses over her jawline before she’s replacing toni’s fingers with her own.

 

toni purses her lips, but nods once as cheryl slowly slides the strap down until it meets the middle of toni’s arm, trails her lips over and following it down before gently helping toni adjust out of it. she repeats the process with the other arm, taking her goddamn sweet time to cherish every moment that she has her lips on toni’s skin before she all but whips the bra over the side of the bed and just…stares.

 

_god, she’s unreal…_

 

“nothing you’ve never seen before, cher…” toni murmurs with a chuckle, but cheryl shakes her head and looks down at her with nothing but _awe_ , still in disbelief that this girl before her somehow fell in love with her as she leans down to kiss toni’s lips as slowly as she can.

 

“toni…i really missed you.” cheryl breathes, blinking back tears and skimming her nose against toni’s playfully as the pink haired girl smiles and nuzzles against her just as spiritedly. 

 

“god, i missed you, too...you and me from now on, okay? no matter what…you and me.” toni whispers, looking up into her eyes with nothing but sincerity shining in her own, but she still has to ask...

 

“promise?” cheryl whispers back, voice small and filled with doubt before toni brushes it all away with a simple kiss to the corner of her mouth.

 

“i promise…with my whole heart, cher.” 

 

and with that, cheryl smiles and finally lets her guard down, _finally_ settles into the moment and kisses her back before she makes her way down the body she’s become so familiar with, lips mapping out each curve, each dip, each raised bump of skin that belongs to toni topaz, burning them into her brain like a branding iron before she’s kissing over the goosebumps that raise over the flesh of her breasts with each exhale from cheryl against her skin. toni brushes her fingers through cheryl’s hair delicately, handling her with such care that it almost makes cheryl cry again, the both of them desperate to make each other feel _something good._

 

she hesitates before wrapping her lips around the stiff bud of toni’s left breast, smiling despite herself at the way toni’s breath escapes her in a stutter at the sensation before she’s arching her back in an attempt to make cheryl take more of her into her mouth, which she does happily, switching to the right and back to the left, over and over again until toni’s a wanton mess beneath her, bucking her hips into cheryl’s in desperation for some form of friction.

 

cheryl still knows her weak spots…

 

“cher…baby, please…” 

 

it’s the way toni’s voice shakes that sends shivers down cheryl’s spine, her body trembling from the feeling before she can stop it as she scraps her teeth against the curve of her breast down to her ribs, reaches a thumb up to brush over that infamous serpent tattoo on the side of toni's body just next to her breast and above her ribs, and she hears toni sigh in content the second she makes contact with her, both their minds flashing back to the first time they'd had sex on christmas day, the hours they'd spent worshipping each other's bodies and the exclamation of surprise when cheryl had found the tattoo the first time...

 

_"a tattoo?"_

 

_"its...it's a serpent. we all got them..."_

 

god, cheryl knows so damn much about her, how could toni ever dream of letting her go...

 

cheryl's lips suddenly kiss around the bones protruding beneath soft skin of her ribs, skin that writhes in anticipation from the way cheryl’s fingers tuck into the waistband of her jeans as toni's brought back to the present by the very actions of the girl of her dreams above her right now.

 

meanwhile, cheryl has no idea what she's even thinking anymore. her mind has been spinning like crazy from the second she landed eyes on toni in that doorway, but now, things are starting to become clearer. she’s wanted this for so long… _too_ long, has spent almost three months without toni, and as much as she knows they still need to talk about everything, she knows they can do it after.

 

because she’s missed _this_ , and if cheryl has learned anything in the last year it’s this: when you want something, you take it. 

 

so take it she does.

 

she tugs, pulling down on the waistband before toni lifts her hips off the bed to help her do so, and as cheryl pulls, toni kicks, desperate to get the denim off her body as cheryl watches her with nothing but amusement. she hears the dull thud of the jeans hitting the floor behind her, and toni looks up at her with a wide smile before she lifts a hand and curls a finger towards herself.

 

“come here…” she barely whispers, the full view of her chest making cheryl’s mouth water despite the fact her mouth was right there less than a minute ago. she leans down to press a kiss right between the valley of her breasts, smiling as toni hums in content before she tucks cheryl’s hair behind her ears with one hand and uses the other to wrap an arm around cheryl’s body to pull her closer. she lays down on her back completely, brings cheryl down with her as the red haired girl trails kisses up her throat, past her jawline and finally to her lips while relishing in the feeling of toni’s fingers in her hair and on the skin of her back.

 

she fights off a shiver when toni unclasps her bra with one hand, fingertips brushing up and down the exposed skin of her spine now as she continues kissing her slowly. 

 

toni’s fingers pinch into the left cup of cheryl’s bra, and cheryl pulls back until she’s straddling toni’s lap as toni keeps her hold on the fabric, resulting in her bra slipping down her arms and off her body before toni unceremoniously flings it behind her and grips her hips to sit her down completely on her own. 

 

toni takes her time, and cheryl lets her, hands roaming over the skin of her thighs, up past her hips to her sides, her stomach, her arms before finally cupping her hands over cheryl’s chest and squeezing the globes of flesh tenderly, causing cheryl’s head to lull back in pleasure as a soft gasp escapes her lips and her eyes flutter closed. calloused thumbs brush over the pink pale buds of her nipples, causing cheryl to whimper and grind her hips down against toni’s before she’s gripping toni’s wrists and pulling them off her body, pinning them above her head with a light growl and bending down to attack toni’s lips feverishly. she makes her way down once more, nothing getting in her way this time as she kisses across toni’s hipbones and smiles against her skin when toni scratches at her shoulders impatiently with a groan. cheryl knows the dip in her hipbones is one of her weak spot, and with a single kiss-

 

“fuck! ch-cher, please…” the muscles twitch beneath her lips, and cheryl hooks a finger into the waistband of toni’s underwear and slides them down slowly, lips moving to kiss between her thighs, down to her knee, over her shins to her ankles…

 

no words need to be spoken as cheryl hooks her arms around toni’s thighs, resting her hands over her hipbones to push her into the bed as she bites down on her inner thigh before finally closing her eyes and dragging her tongue up toni’s center, the taste of her filling her mouth and making her moan despite herself, because fuck, it’s been _way_ too long-

 

toni’s hands fly to cheryl’s wrists, gripping them hard as she bucks her hips up with an almost breathless gasp before cheryl’s pushing her back down once more and attacking with full force, and toni’s completely incoherent above her, hands moving to grip the sheets beneath her body as a long drawn out moan escapes her. cheryl finds the noise captivating, finds herself doing everything she can to pull that noise out of the pink haired girl over and over again as she adjusts toni’s legs over her shoulders and shifts her knees uncomfortably on the carpet beneath her, wincing slightly at the pain before focusing on her task at hand. 

 

cheryl’s ears are buzzing so hard, she barely hears toni beg for her not to stop, to keep going, and cheryl thinks it’s crazy that she’s even asking because cheryl has no fucking plans to stop any time soon, this is driving her into a frenzy she’s _never_ felt before. three months without the person she loves and it’s like she’s lost her mind, desperate to be consumed by everything toni topaz right now. 

 

it catches them both by surprise when toni lets out a guttural moan before her thighs are almost clenching cheryl’s neck into a headlock, her entire body pulled taut as she comes, but cheryl keeps going, addicted and obsessed as she is with the way toni feels beneath her body, there’s no fucking way she’s stopping-

 

“ch-cheryl-.”

 

“one more, shh…just one more…” cheryl says almost breathlessly, eyes alight with a fire toni’s never seen before as she kisses her way up toni’s body with her goddamn legs still hooked over pale shoulders-

 

the burn from the stretch up her hamstrings is quickly forgotten as soon as it arrives when cheryl pushes two fingers into her, her free hand flying out to steady herself as it lands beside toni’s head and grips the sheets before toni suddenly lifts a hand and interlaces her fingers with cheryl’s, squeezing her hand with each thrust cheryl drives into her. cheryl crashes her lips against toni’s, moans escaping the both of them, bodies rocking on top of the bed before toni slides her legs off cheryl’s shoulders with a groan and wraps them around her waist instead, her free arm wrapping around cheryl’s neck and pulling her down for a bruising kiss once more before she falls over the edge once again.

 

cheryl’s eyes roll into the back of her head at the sensation of toni clenching around her fingers at the exact same time toni’s eyes flutter closed, brows furrowed and mouth open in an almost silent moan as cheryl buries her face into toni’s neck and kisses each patch of hot skin beneath her lips. 

 

cheryl’s arm begins to shake from holding herself up before she simply allows herself to crash on top of toni with a breathless whimper, the pink haired girl holding her close and gripping her shoulders as she comes down from her high with harsh pants for air. cheryl feels the movement of her body beneath her own, and she smiles when toni giggles before she suddenly covers her eyes with her hand and a shake of her head. 

 

“that was embarrassingly quick…” she murmurs. cheryl grins and presses a quick kiss to her throat before she props herself up onto her elbow and stares down at her with a smile. toni looks up at her with nothing but adoration and tucks a lock of hair behind her ear, still slightly catching her breath as she does. 

 

“you’re so beautiful…” she whispers. cheryl’s smile only widens, and toni suddenly pushes herself up, lips pressing against cheryl’s tenderly before their kiss quickly becomes firmer, filled with more passion the longer it goes on for until toni’s pushing her onto her back. 

 

where she stays for almost an hour, body in a constant state of arousal, muscles clenching and unclenching and her lungs constantly gasping for air with each stroke of toni’s tongue against her center, her skin, every inch of her body…

 

it’s with a final cry at the hour mark, with her hand tapping against the bed and a high pitched whine of pleasure as her third orgasm rocks her body that cheryl grips toni’s hand and squeezes, the pink haired girl looking up at her with a raised brow before she chuckles and makes her way up cheryl’s body with gentle kisses, the complete opposite of everything she’d just spent the last hour doing as she finally settles for a final kiss to her lips. cheryl breathes her in, eyes struggling to stay open as fatigue grips her while toni settles into her side and pulls the blankets at the bottom of the bed over their naked bodies. 

 

it’s quiet for a long time, their bodies cooling off and their breath returning to them both as they stroke each other’s skin softly, getting lost in the feeling of being together after so, so many months…

 

“cheryl…” toni says huskily, throat parched and body covered in a slick sheen of sweat as the red haired girl holds her close and plays with the ends of toni’s hair, lips resting against toni’s brow.

 

“yeah?” she mumbles. toni sighs shakily against her before she suddenly lifts a hand and brushes her index finger down the bridge of cheryl’s nose.

 

“did we really just have sex in josie’s apartment?” she whispers. 

 

cheryl takes in her surroundings, her mind slowly coming back to her after being caught up in everything toni topaz as she realizes what her girlfriend has just said.

 

“…fuck.” cheryl deadpans. toni laughs loudly, a groan escaping her afterwards before she turns over onto her back with cheryl’s arm still wrapped around her neck.

 

“oh god…oh god, we’re _terrible-_.”

 

“trust me, josie’s probably not even gonna care, she’s just gonna be happy that we’re together again.” cheryl says with a chuckle, pressing a kiss to toni’s temple and pulling her close once more as toni sighs against her and shakes her head with a laugh of her own. quiet settles over them once more before cheryl shifts against toni with a clear of her throat, and toni looks up at her with a frown before she’s brushing her finger down the bridge of cheryl’s nose once again.

 

“you okay?” she asks softly, causing cheryl to smile despite herself as she nods.

 

“mmm…more okay than i’ve been since this year started. are you?” cheryl asks just as softly back, trailing her fingers up and down toni’s bare spine as the she purses her lips before she lets out this deep breath through her nose and leans up to kiss the corner of cheryl’s mouth, chapped lips lingering for a beat longer than normal.

 

“i missed you.” toni whispers against her skin. cheryl’s eyes flutter closed at the sound of those words, licks her lips before she takes toni’s face into her hands and brushes the pads of her thumbs over her flushed cheekbones.

 

“i missed you, too. but toni…you can’t bail out on me again, okay? you can’t…can’t decide that you feel guilty again, and that we shouldn’t be doing this and then disappear and stop talking to me o-or texting me-.” cheryl chokes out, her emotions getting the better of her before toni silences her with a finger to her lips.

 

“shh…shh i know, i’m sorry…i’m so sorry, that won’t ever happen again, cheryl, i promise.” toni says hoarsely, voice cracking slightly with her own emotions as she takes cheryl’s hand and begins playing with her fingers. cheryl gets lost in the familiar feeling of it all, lets out a shaky sigh and tucks a finger under toni’s chin to get her to lift her gaze until their eyes meet.

 

“i love you, toni…and i know maybe i shouldn’t and maybe we never should’ve started this in the first place but i _do_ , and i can’t just lose you, because the last three months…i don’t wanna go through that again.” cheryl repeats herself, needs to get her message across to toni because she doesn’t want to lose her again, she _can’t-_

 

“cheryl…baby, please, please look at me…” toni croaks out, jumping up slightly and hovering over cheryl while still resting on her side as she reaches a hand up and rakes her fingers through the side of cheryl’s hair.

 

“you can’t do that again to me, please…” cheryl whispers, tears welling in her eyes as she looks up at toni pleadingly. toni blinks back tears of her own, kisses the corner of her mouth once again before shaking her head against her slowly.

 

“never. do you hear me, cheryl? _never._ you and me, that’s how this plays out from now on, no matter what, okay? and yeah, maybe you’re right, maybe…maybe we never should’ve fallen in love in the first place, but we did, and i can’t ignore it anymore. i can’t ignore the way i feel about you, because i love you, too. you’re…you’re the love of my life, cheryl, god, i can’t believe i ever left, i was just…” toni trails off, licking her lips and biting down on a trembling bottom lip as cheryl looks up at her in surprise.

 

“toni?” cheryl takes her hand, interlaces their fingers and watches the internal struggle behind toni’s eyes as her girlfriend looks down at her with nothing but pain.

 

“it _hurts_ , cheryl. i worked so hard for so many years to get to where i was, i sacrificed _so much_ , and…your father, he took that all away with one word to a cop and a couple thousand dollars in his wallet, it just…it isn’t _fair._ ” toni says shakily, her tears finally falling, and the sight makes cheryl’s heart utterly break in half, a trembling hand lifting to brush away her tears, wishing she could do the same with her pain…

 

“i know…i know, and i’m so sorry-.”

 

“shh…not your fault…not your fault at all. god, i will never understand how you’re related to that man…” toni whispers in disbelief, scoffing as cheryl hums in agreement.

 

“neither will i.” toni looks down at her, the anger in her eyes disappearing slowly before she sighs loudly and collapses down beside cheryl with her arms wide open.

 

“come here, i wanna hold you.” she says softly. cheryl smiles, settles herself into toni’s arms with her fingers skating up tanned sides as toni plays with her hair and spatters kisses over her hairline repeatedly. cheryl has no idea what time it is at this point, is waiting for the moment josie bursts through the door, frankly-

 

“move with me.”

 

cheryl’s heart stops.

 

she pushes herself up out of toni’s arms and looks down at the pink haired girl in surprise, watches as toni looks up at her with nothing but sincerity in her eyes.

 

“what?” cheryl breathes. toni licks her lips, tucks cheryl’s sweat matted hair behind her ears before she repeats herself more firmly.

 

“move with me, baby…back to riverdale.” 

 

cheryl feels like she’s frozen in time, eyes wide and blinking repeatedly in shock as toni gives her the time to process what she’s just said.

 

move back to riverdale? leave her entire life in new york behind? fuck, cheryl’s spent the last five years building her life here, to leave it all behind and go back to the place that’s only ever held pain and suffering for her…

 

“toni…this is a big decision to make-.”

 

“i know…i know, baby, but just…just promise me you’ll think about it? i…i want you there with me. i know it’s a lot to ask, you just got a job and you’ll be moving back to riverdale where your father is, but we’ll be on the southside. and i won’t let him get anywhere near you, i swear to you on my _life_ , cheryl.” toni says fiercely, teeth almost bared in her passion as she grips cheryl’s face in her hands gently.

 

“i just…i want you there with me. because i can’t live without you, but i can’t stay here, and maybe i’m selfish for asking, but i-.”

 

cheryl interrupts her with a kiss, cutting off her words and kissing her as passionately as she can as toni wraps her arms around her neck and pulls her even closer. they break apart moments later, cheryl’s forehead resting against toni’s before she smiles.

 

“shut up. i’ll think about it.” cheryl teases. toni lets out a sigh of relief before she grins and nods slowly.

 

“okay…okay, yeah, g-good…” she whispers. cheryl smiles and kisses the tip of her nose before she settles back into toni’s arms, but her smile quickly fades as she properly registers what toni’s asking of her.

 

can she really do it? leave her new job, leave josie, leave archie, her entire life here behind her and go with toni back to riverdale? 

 

cheryl bites down on her bottom lip, and decides swiftly that it’s a worry for tomorrow.

 

right now, all she wants is to stay right here in toni’s arms and bask in the fact that she has her back. 

 

she has her girlfriend back…and right now in this moment that’s all she wants to think about.

 

\------------------

 

“i think you should go!”

 

veronica settles back into her chair with a wide grin, crossing her hands over her lap and watching as cheryl blinks twice in absolute surprise at what veronica’s just said.

 

“wait, r-really?” cheryl blubbers out, watching as veronica chuckles before she simply shrugs and nods once.

 

“yeah, why wouldn’t you? i mean, you told me the only reason you really moved to new york was so you could help your father out with the company, so…what’s keeping you here now?” veronica says simply, raising an eyebrow as cheryl licks her lips nervously before thinking it through.

 

because veronica’s right, she _did_ move all those years ago to new york after her father set her up with a job with his company, but she also moved here so she could start her life with archie…

 

archie, who is now dating her best friend, right, right…so what _is_ keeping her here?

 

“well…archie and josie live here-.”

 

“are they not capable of coming down to riverdale to see you?” veronica says with amusement. cheryl hesitates, teeth gnawing at her bottom lip as veronica chuckles and stands up from her seat to walk around her desk until she’s taking the seat beside cheryl with a heavy sigh.

 

“look…you and toni have been through a lot, and i’d be lying if i said i’m surprised you’ve managed to survive it all, but you _have._ and if that’s not a sign that you two are made for each other, then i don’t know what is.” 

 

veronica says it all so simply, and cheryl finds herself contemplating if it really can all be as simple as that. that she and toni can just move to riverdale and move on from everything that’s happened here. but it just doesn’t seem _real._

 

because clifford blossom is still alive, and he’s still leaving her threatening voicemails, much to toni’s dismay, so what will moving to riverdale do to solve anything? it’ll just put them closer to the enemy, but despite the fact that cheryl’s spent the last two weeks trying to convince toni that maybe they should postpone moving to riverdale for now, toni’s still adamant on moving by the end of the month so they can have the vacation home built by the time summer starts.

 

which means cheryl only has two more weeks to think about it. 

 

she knows josie and archie agree with veronica, had discussed it with them the day after toni had made the proposition, but only because she’d kind of been unable to avoid it.

 

because josie had burst into her room after her dinner with archie to check on her and had found cheryl and toni cuddled up in bed, fast asleep, and when toni had left the next morning with a kiss to cheryl’s lips and a smile, josie had clapped her hands with excitement and archie had smiled and told her he was happy to see them back together.

 

but there’s still something not quite _right_ , and she can see it in archie’s eyes every time josie brings the topic up, telling cheryl to just go and live her best life with toni in riverdale every time cheryl brings up her insecurities about moving…

 

she can’t make a decision just yet. she needs to talk to her ex-fiancé once last time.

 

but for now-

 

“so you think i should do it?” cheryl croaks out, rubbing at her brow tiredly and watching as veronica sighs before she jumps up from behind her desk and makes her way around it to plop down in the chair beside cheryl.

 

“i think you should do what makes you _happy_ , cheryl. you’ve spent your whole life doing what your parents wanted you to do, and then you dated archie and you spent your whole life doing what _he_ wanted you to do…it’s time for you to do what _you_ want to do, which is?” veronica prompts, looking at her with a sly smile as cheryl squares her shoulders and nods once.

 

“be with toni…no matter where it takes us.” she says softly with a smile. veronica chuckles before she reaches over and pats cheryl’s hand before she slumps in her seat with a groan and a nod.

 

“then that’s that. god, you two give me a headache…” she mumbles, rubbing her eyes tiredly as cheryl rolls hers and nudges her slightly.

 

“well, if we move to riverdale, you won’t have to deal with us anymore.” she teases, and she’s surprised when veronica sighs again before she looks up at cheryl with a slight pout.

 

“gotta admit…i’ll miss having toni around, i'm still pissed off with the higher ups for giving her that ultimatum, it wasn't fair..." veronica grumbles. cheryl sighs solemnly, but says nothing, and veronica looks up at her before she smiles at her softly.

 

"i'll miss you too, for the record. as crazy as all of this has been, toni’s one of my closest friends, and you make her happy. you’re good for each other.” she says with a firm nod. cheryl finds her heart melting slightly at veronica’s words, and she takes veronica’s hand into her own and gives it a gentle squeeze.

 

“thank you, veronica. for _everything._ ” veronica simply smiles and squeezes her hand back.

 

“you’re more than welcome, cheryl. now, seeing as you’ll be living three hours away, i think it’s fair to say this is our last session together for a while.” she says slowly. cheryl smiles sadly and nods once before veronica purses her lips and jumps up from the chair with a nod.

 

“you’ll still need to come back every couple of months to get a new prescription from me, and we can have sessions then, if you’d like?” veronica says simply. cheryl blinks once in surprise before she frowns and nods once.

 

“okay…yeah, that seems logical.”

 

“of course, you can always choose to see another therapist in riverdale-.”

 

“i think toni’s the only one, to be honest.” cheryl says with a chuckle. veronica rolls her eyes and lets out a small scoff.

 

“such big personalities from such a tiny town, i’m so confused by the both of you…” 

 

they banter for a little while longer before cheryl leaves the office with the weight on her chest lifted and her heart lighter than it’s been in a long time. she sends toni a text message to let her know she’ll swing by her place later on tonight for dinner before making the drive back to josie’s apartment where she knows archie will be.

 

if she’s making a final decision, she needs to let him know more than anyone else.

 

she fumbles with the keys in her hands out of nerves once she reaches the stark white door to josie’s place, but manages to push the door open and finds her nerves melting when she sees the sight before her.

 

archie resting on the couch with his head on josie’s thigh, the dark skinned girl running her fingers through his ginger hair as archie laughs at something loudly on the tv at the same time josie’s face scrunches up in disgust.

 

“oh ew, why would he pierce _that_ part of his body-.”

 

“hey, guys…” cheryl says softly, watching as they both look up at her in surprise before josie’s smile widens.

 

“hey! ugh, i’d tell you to join us, but this show that we’re watching…”

 

“honey, _jackass_ is a cult classic, don’t bash it!” archie says simply, pushing himself up off josie’s lap as she rolls her eyes before she looks at cheryl eagerly.

 

“so, what did veronica say?” she asks with an encouraging smile. archie frowns in confusion as cheryl licks her lips before she nods once.

 

“she…encouraged me to go.” she croaks out. josie grins widely and points her index finger at cheryl with a chuckle.

 

“see!? told you she’d agree! you gotta get outta here, girl, go live your life with that woman, even if it is in riverdale of all places, with all those trees and greenery…never would’ve taken cheryl blossom for a nature kind of girl.” she teases, giggling when cheryl gives her the finger, but says nothing more when her eyes land on archie.

 

archie who clenches his jaw before he suddenly sighs and pushes himself up off the couch, making his way down the hallway towards the kitchen. 

 

cheryl licks her lips and looks to josie, the girl’s smile faltering as she watches archie go before she looks to her best friend and lets out a long, mournful sigh of her own.

 

“he’s happy for you, cheryl, you know he is, but…you’ve been a part of his life for almost ten years…it’s not easy for him to let you go.” josie says in a low voice, smiling sympathetically at cheryl, who squares her shoulders and nods once at her with a smile of her own.

 

“i’ll talk to him.” she murmurs. josie purses her lips, but nods once to egg her on before she settles back onto the couch and grabs the remote, instantly changing the channel and wrinkling her nose in disgust at what’s on the screen as she does. 

 

cheryl makes her way into the kitchen, teeth gnawing on her bottom lip as she watches archie pour himself a glass of water. his eyes stray upwards when he hears her approach, a small smile lighting up his face that quickly fades as cheryl plays with the sleeves of her shirt and steps forward.

 

“arch…” she croaks out, already blinking back tears as her ex-fiancé looks up at her with a sigh.

 

“so you’re really gonna go?” he whispers. cheryl feels her tears fall over before she nods once, and archie swallows thickly, clenching his jaw before he nods and takes a sip of his water slowly.

 

“archie…you know i love you and josie so much, but there’s nothing left here for me in new york. it’s all…it’s all just a reminder of my father, he’s the whole reason we moved here in the first place, remember?” cheryl says softly, making her way over to him and watching as archie raises a hand to run his fingers through his hair. 

 

“i know, it’s just…we promised each other we’d still be in each other’s lives-.”

 

“and we will! of course we will, i’ll still come to new york to see you, and you and josie can come down to riverdale…” cheryl trails off when she sees archie shake his head, a slight scoff escaping him before he looks up at her with, to her surprise, tears in his eyes.

 

“it’s not the same, cheryl…and maybe i’m being selfish when i say this, but…i don’t want you to go. you’ve been part of my life for ten years now, the idea of you not being around all the time anymore, it fucking _scares_ me.” 

 

cheryl looks on in shock, eyes wide as archie stares at her almost mournfully before ducking his head with a very, very long sigh.

 

“i’m being selfish…i know i am, i’m sorry, cheryl-.”

 

“no, it’s okay, i want you to be honest with me about how you’re feeling. i’m…i’m scared too, archie.” cheryl murmurs, stepping closer and reaching out to take his hand. archie closes his own over hers, interlacing their fingers before he looks up at her with nothing but sadness written all over his face. 

 

“how did everything change so quickly?” he whispers, tears welling in his eyes as cheryl sniffs once and leans in closer, resting her head on his shoulder as she does.

 

“i don’t know…but we’re both _happy_ , archie…that has to count for something, right?” archie stiffens slightly against her suddenly before he turns his head, resting his lips against her brow.

 

“you really love her, don’t you?” he croaks out. cheryl squeezes her eyes shut, the image of toni’s face behind her eyes instantly making her smile as she nod without hesitation.

 

“more than anything.” she whispers back. archie seems to sag in defeat against her before he lets out a long sigh and grips her hand in his own once more with a firm nod.

 

“right…god, as much as i’m gonna miss you, if this is something you want, cheryl, then…you should do it. just don’t forget about me and josie, okay?” he says with a light chuckle, but cheryl doesn’t find it funny, pulls back and grips archie’s face in her hands to force him to look straight at her, to witness the way she purses her lips and shakes her head furiously at the mere _suggestion_ of it…

 

“i could never forget you, archie andrews. _never._ ” archie smiles widely at that, and he leans in, presses a kiss to cheryl’s brow before he’s suddenly wrapping his long arms around her body and pulling her in close. 

 

cheryl has no idea how long they’re hugging for, but the sense of safety that washes over her, and the sadness that grips her that this isn’t something she’ll have all the time in riverdale hits her has her gripping archie’s shirt between her fingers and burying her face into his chest with a whine.

 

because no matter what’s happened between them, archie has been her constant, the one person she can always count on, and he’s been a part of her life for almost a decade, to leave him…it hurts.

 

but it’s time she finally closes this chapter in her life. this chapter of fear, this chapter of not knowing who she is, of self-hatred and anger, it’s over. she needs to move on.

 

and what better way to do so than to leave and start fresh with the person who’s helped her discover so much about herself?

 

but just for now, she allows herself to hurt, allows herself to feel pain over the fact that closing this chapter of her life includes leaving archie behind. and as much as it hurts…it also heals.

 

because no matter what, she knows archie will always be a part of her life. and it’s better to have him here now in her arms than not here at all.

 

“i love you, cheryl. always will, you know that, right?” archie murmurs into her hair, and cheryl tightens her grip with a smile before she nods against him furiously.

 

“i love you too, archie. always will.” 

 

\--------------

 

the excitement coursing through her body has cheryl bouncing on the balls of her feet with a grin as she waits for the elevator to arrive on the twelfth floor, humming under her breath and fiddling with the key in her hand to toni’s apartment that the pink haired girl herself had returned to her just yesterday.

 

_“even though i’m leaving in a few weeks, i want you to have this back…i’m sorry you ever felt the need to give it back, cher.”_

 

cheryl smiles at the memory, at the hours and hours since that day toni came bursting into josie’s apartment to kiss her talking about their relationship, talking about toni’s anger and fear during the whole trial, talking about cheryl’s sadness and grief over her father attempting to force her into something she wanted no part in, the moments where she had almost caved in…

 

it’s been many hours of therapeutic crying, many hours of fixing and mending the broken parts of themselves and their relationship, and somehow, they’re on the road to recovery, and now…now cheryl’s sure.

 

she wants to go to riverdale. she wants to be where toni is, with toni, wants to live with rest of her life with her, of that she’s sure.

 

now she just has to tell her.

 

she can’t stop grinning as she makes her way straight to toni’s apartment door, tries to block out all the memories from the night she showed up drunk, of the night she was all but kicked out of this place by the police…

 

_it’s okay…it’s okay, we’re gonna go to riverdale, and we’re gonna finally live our lives in peace…_

 

she jinxed herself.

 

cheryl turns the corner, finds herself staring at the ajar door to toni’s apartment, and finds her heart immediately dropping down to somewhere below her feet.

 

she freezes, her whole body trembling as she takes in how the door is wide open to let anyone in, and as she steps closer, she reaches out for the door handle, notices the way it rattles and loosens up slightly in her grip as she peeks inside with nothing but fear pounding through her.

 

“toni?!” cheryl calls out loudly, glancing down the hallway before she licks her lips nervously and makes her way down it as quietly as she possibly can.

 

if the apartment has been broken into…the robber could still be here, she needs to be careful, but fuck, what if toni’s hurt?

 

“toni?!” cheryl calls out once again, all caution thrown to the wind at the idea of toni being hurt right now as she makes her way into the living room to find it empty, but it doesn’t look like there’s been any signs of a fight or anything.

 

_what the fuck is going on?_

 

“toni?” cheryl’s voice echoes out again before her eyes land on a piece of paper on top of the coffee table, folded-

 

with her name on it.

 

cheryl swallows the hard lump that forms in her throat, bends down and picks the letter up with shaking fingers before she unfolds the piece of paper, eyes reading the words displayed in black ink.

 

_i’m sorry, i can’t do this. i’ll always love you._  
_-toni_

 

for a brief second…just the briefest second, cheryl whimpers, feels her heart break before her eyes truly take in the words written before her, and she's seen toni's handwriting enough times to know what it looks like.

 

toni doesn’t loop her ‘l’s. 

 

the ‘l’s in ‘i’ll’ and ‘love’ are looped, curving over each other in a way that reminds her not of toni, but of someone else. 

 

clifford loops his ‘l’s…

 

toni hasn’t written this, it’s her father, she knows it’s him-

 

“toni?!” cheryl’s frantic now, eyes roaming around the apartment, out of fear her father could still be here, but there’s no sight of him, and if he isn’t here and he’s left this letter, trying to pass it off as being from toni-

 

_he’s done something to her! he’s hurt her, fuck, fuck, fuck-_

 

he's kidnapped her, or forced her to leave town, he's done _something_ , she's going to kill him-

 

"TONI!?"

 

cheryl drops the letter and runs, tears already welling in her eyes as she makes her way blindly towards the bedrooms, refusing to give up, to believe toni is gone as she bursts through the door to the bathroom, and the sight before her has her screaming before she even fully takes it in, all the air in her lungs rushing out in one quick movement as she stumbles back in shock.

 

red, the color red splattered all over the walls and the white marble of the bathtub is where it’s the most visible, not an ounce of white showing, red liquid dripping and flowing and a small figure with pink hair in the bathtub-

 

a small figure that isn't moving.

 

a small figure that isn't breathing.

 

cheryl drops to her knees right beside the bathtub, not even caring about the blood that stains her jeans as she reaches out to touch the girl before her with a whimper, her heart racing, trying to take in what she’s seeing, but everything’s a fucking blur right now-

 

she's dead...toni's dead, she's dead, she's gone, her father's killed her-

 

she can't move, can't speak, can't even fucking think, cheryl's mouth is so dry, her entire body shaking so hard, she's scared her limbs are about to fucking fall off, but toni's not fucking moving, she's dead, she's lost her-

 

"n-no...n-no, no, n-no, wake up, come on...come on, not like this, not like this, wake up, t-toni..." cheryl has no idea what she's even saying, but she's reaching out and brushing a lock of blood ridden pink hair back from toni's bruised and battered face before-

 

toni whimpers suddenly, her whole body trembling, one eye swollen shut, face covered in cuts and bruising already developing under her dark skin, oh god, cheryl’s gonna fucking _vomit-_

 

“t-toni, oh _fuck-_ ” she finally manages to squeak out, hands flailing slightly, too scared to touch her in fear of hurting her even more-

 

“ch-cher…f-father...your f-father...” toni’s voice is barely audible, these rattling, short breaths being drawn in from small chest, and cheryl’s entire body is still in a state of silent screaming as she reaches out trembling hands to grip toni’s body, fuck, she’s barely breathing-

 

ambulance. she needs to call an ambulance-

 

“i know, i know baby, shhh, don't talk, it’s o-okay, y-you’re g-gonna b-be okay, t-toni!” cheryl cries, tears falling down her cheeks as toni’s body sags further with a whine of pain into the bathtub while cheryl reaches for her phone in her back pocket, her mind racing, her body still frozen, but one thing ringing through true.

 

her father has done this.

 

her father has done this…


	23. i'll be there at your funeral with a grin on my face

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeeeeeeah, this chapter is a lot. trigger warning for death and suicide, please don't read it if those things trigger you, your health comes first.
> 
> uh you can scream at me on twitter at @endofdaysforme, or in the comments.
> 
> two chapters left guys...whew.

she waits.

 

and waits.

 

and waits.

 

hours pass, but cheryl loses all track of time. all she can focus on is the blood staining her pale hands and the way her leg bounces up and down as her back arches and her body curls in on itself.

 

she has no idea where toni’s been taken, if she’s okay, what’s going on, nothing. the ambulance arrived less than three minutes after cheryl had called them, and they had checked toni’s vitals, confirmed she was at least still breathing before they strapped her down to a stretcher and loaded her straight into the back of the ambulance. they had allowed cheryl to come along with them, and she had been by toni’s side right until they had pushed through the emergency room doors and cheryl was forced to stay behind by one of the nurses. 

 

she doesn’t know how long it’s been, knows she should probably call archie and josie, but she can’t bring it in her to move or think or do anything other than bounce her leg and tap her index finger of her right hand against her left wrist five times, over and over and over and over and over and over-

 

she's losing it, and she knows she is, but she can't stop it. because it's not fear gripping her right now, it's something else entirely, something she's never felt before, and it's _that_ feeling that's making her scared...

 

she just needs to know if toni's okay-

 

“antoinette topaz?” 

 

cheryl’s head shoots up, and she’s jumping out of her chair and running straight towards the doctor who called toni’s name as he looks up at her with wide eyes that quickly shift into a smile.

 

“hi, are you family-.”

 

“i’m her partner, my name is cheryl blossom, is she okay?” cheryl asks quickly, swallowing down the bile that rises in the back of her throat as the doctor looks down at his chart with a furrowed brow.

 

“well, she’s suffered multiple lacerations to her face and body, her eye is swollen shut, there’s bruising to her ribs, her stomach and back and her legs, she’s…to be honest with you, miss blossom, it looks like she’s been attacked. do you mind telling me what happened?” he says almost accusingly, looking at her with a raised eyebrow as cheryl swallows thickly once more and blinks back the tears in her eyes at the mere thought of this man accusing her of doing this...

 

_he's right, it's your fault-_

 

“i was…i w-was coming to see her for a visit, and the d-door was open…i called out for her, and when she didn’t answer i g-got worried, so i went looking for her and i…i f-found her in the bathroom, in the tub, she was covered in b-blood and i th-thought she wasn’t breathing, so i called an ambulance-.” the doctor’s eyes soften with each word she says before he suddenly reaches out to grip her shoulder reassuringly.

 

“okay, okay, just take a few deep breaths in…so you found her this way?” 

 

“y-yes…please, can i see her?” cheryl croaks out, wiping away the tears that fall down her cheeks as the doctor sighs and nods once with pursed lips.

 

“of course, she’s in room forty-seven. i’ll have to call the police, miss blossom-.”

 

“of course, i want to get down to the bottom of this just as much as you do. but i want to see her first, please…” cheryl says simply, watching as the doctor nods before he leads her through towards the intensive care unit rooms, pointing down the hallway as he does.

 

“down the hall, to your right, she’s in one of the rooms on the left. she’s asleep right now, but she should wake up soon. again, she’s suffered multiple contusions and lacerations to her body, and we still need to take her through for some x-rays, i believe she may have a few broken ribs. she’s in a lot of pain, and she was only conscious for about half an hour while we were tending to her. i’ll be back in soon to do some more tests, if she wakes, hit the button behind the bed to call a nurse in, okay?” cheryl nods numbly, and the doctor walks away, leaving cheryl on her own to make her way to toni’s room. 

 

she makes her way down the hallway slowly, fingers twisting in her shirt and her tongue tapping against the roof of her mouth over and over and over and over and over-

 

_stop it, cheryl, focus...please focus..._

 

she comes to a stop outside of room forty seven before gripping the handle, exhaling a deep, shaky breath, and making her way inside.

 

the second her eyes land on the small, fragile body of toni topaz resting on top of a hospital bed, cheryl expects herself to feel grief and anguish, but the only thing that floods her is anger.

 

she thought she'd want to collapse, to cry and scream and despair over the sight of the woman she loves in such a state of pain, but no...right now, all she feels is red hot _rage_ coursing through every single vein in her body.

 

she finds herself gripping the handle tightly, clenching her teeth and her jaw and closing her eyes before she exhales once more and makes her way into the room, right up to toni’s side.

 

the girl is fast asleep, one eye swollen and bruised and still slightly bloody while the other moves rapidly beneath the lid in her sleep, brows furrowed, a cut through one of them and her cheek swollen with a cut that’s been stitched and bandaged as well. her bottom lip is swollen as well, a cut slicing through that beautiful plump flesh that cheryl enjoys kissing so much, and there’s all these other small cuts on the rest of her face, one on the bridge of her nose, across her jaw, fuck, there’s even a cut on the top of her left ear…

 

they left no part of her untouched. 

 

cheryl licks her lips, the taste of salty tears invading her taste buds as she sniffs once and grabs a chair by toni’s bed, pulling it over to her bedside and taking toni’s hand into her own, trying her best to ignore the way both their hands are covered in toni’s blood... 

 

toni's blood on her hands...but it's for the last time, no more, no more, no more...

 

she’s attached to a multitude of machines, an iv drip taped down to the back of her hand, but cheryl still bends down to press a kiss to the back of it before she looks up at toni’s face with a sad smile, because she both wants nothing more and wants nothing less than for toni to wake up right now. if she wakes up...and tells cheryl she doesn't want to see her anymore...

 

yes, it'll probably break whatever ounce of sanity cheryl has left in her after finding toni in such a state, but...cheryl truly wouldn't blame her. 

 

“i know that…that there’s a chance you won’t want me here when you wake up, and i want you to know that i’ll understand. i’ll understand if you want nothing to do with me anymore, baby, but i want you to also know that i love you. and that i’m…fuck, i’m so _sorry._ ” cheryl’s voice breaks, wavering as her bottom lip trembles before she lets out a whine and grips toni’s hand in her own tighter, desperate to get her words out now before she loses courage, watching as toni’s chest inflates and deflates with each breath she takes…

 

“he won’t get away with this one, okay? he won’t…i promise, i’m going to make him pay for this.” cheryl whispers fiercely, teeth clenched, that anger flooding her once more. 

 

no more…no more pain, no more suffering, no more violence.

 

it ends now.

 

“i’ll be here when you wake up…and if you want me to go when you do, then i’ll go. but i love you, toni…and i won’t let him get away with this.” cheryl promises, promises down to her goddamn soul that this time is the last time.

 

clifford blossom will not get away this time. over cheryl’s dead body will he get away with this-

 

“what…” cheryl’s eyes snap up, taking in the way toni’s chest expands with a deep breath, her one good eye rolling slightly before the lid slowly blinks open, and cheryl jumps up from her seat and hovers over her face, hand reaching to brush her hair back from her forehead tenderly, and wincing at the dried and caked blood marking her skin...

 

“oh my god, toni?!” cheryl breathes, tears welling in her eyes before she can stop them as toni blinks rapidly with her one eye that isn’t swollen shut.

 

“what…makes you think…i don’t want…you here?” toni croaks out, her face quickly contorting into a wince of pain as cheryl lets out a whine she can’t contain and shakes her head slowly.

 

"y-you...w-wouldn't b-blame you-."

 

"i want...you here..." toni breathes, wincing in pain as cheryl watches before all too suddenly-

 

she breaks down.

 

“th-this is m-my f-fault, all m-my f-fault! i-.”

 

“shh, no…not…not your fault…shh…” toni whispers, licking her lips and reaching up flailing hand that cheryl quickly takes into her own. 

 

and god fucking dammit, toni topaz actually _smiles_ up at her, her eye fluttering closed and this rattling inhale escaping her as cheryl looks down at her with nothing but anguish and shuddering breaths.

 

“i’m s-so s-sorry, baby…” 

 

“shh…” toni squeezes her hand, swallows thickly before she sighs shakily and looks up at her with another wince of pain that has cheryl reaching behind her with a sniff to smash her hand against the button to call the nurse, her finger pressing it five times because _she has to._

 

_hit, hit, hit, hit, hit-_

 

“cher…cher, stop…” cheryl barely hears toni mumble, blocks out all noise around her until the job is done before she’s sniffing back tears once again and reaching into her back pocket for her phone.

 

“i’m gonna call kevin, okay? shh, just relax…you need your friends here.” cheryl murmurs, scrolling through her contacts trying to find kevin’s number before toni’s fingers suddenly wrap around her wrist that’s holding her phone.

 

“stay…please, cher, stay…” toni breathes, shaking her head infinitesimally as cheryl looks down at her with a sad smile.

 

“i’m right here, babe, i’m not going anywhere.” she promises. toni smiles once again just as the door opens and two nurses and the doctor from before walk in. 

 

“ah, miss topaz, it’s good to see you’re awake! we have a few more tests we need to run through with you, and we’d like to do some x-rays to check for any internal damage-.”

 

“please, do what you need to do. i have a few phone calls to make, excuse me…” cheryl grips her phone tighter, leans down and presses a kiss to toni’s brow gently, ignoring the metallic taste that hits her tongue as she does.

 

“i’ll be back…i promise.” toni swallows again, but doesn’t say anything as cheryl smiles down at her and nods to the doctors before making her way to the door and immediately hitting the call button on kevin’s name as soon as the door closes shut behind her.

 

she needs someone to stay with toni for what she’s about to do next…

 

“kevin? it’s cheryl…i need you to get down to the hospital, and bring moose with you. it’s an emergency.” 

 

\------------

 

“cheryl, you’re sure?”

 

“positive.” 

 

kevin lets out a deep sigh, running his fingers through his hair frantically while moose taps his foot on the ground in frustration. archie looks like he’s about to commit murder, his face contorted in a rage cheryl's never seen on him before and josie still hasn’t removed her arm from around cheryl’s shoulders, gives her these gentle, reassuring squeezes about every three minutes.

 

veronica, meanwhile, is standing by the window, staring out of it with slightly distant eyes that have cheryl staring at her with nothing but sadness.

 

toni and veronica were supposed to go out for dinner tonight, but veronica cancelled last minute to do paperwork at the office. cheryl knows veronica feels guilty, because if they had gone out, toni wouldn’t have been home tonight, but it’s not her fault, not one bit.

 

there’s only one person to blame for all of this, and it’s the man she has every intention of seeing tonight no matter how long it takes her to get there.

 

toni’s been gone for over two hours now, each person arriving in that time until they’ve all been waiting here for at least half an hour for the pink haired girl to come back from her x-rays and other testing. cheryl just needs her to get here so she can finally leave, can finally do what she needs to do to keep herself and toni safe-

 

“he can’t be allowed to get away with this.” archie hisses.

 

“he won’t. it’s why i called all of you here. i need you four to stay with toni while i go do what i should’ve done a long time ago.” cheryl says firmly, looking to kevin, josie, moose and veronica, all of whom look at her in concern as archie raises an eyebrow and looks at cheryl in confusion.

 

“cheryl, what are you talking about?” he asks with a frown. cheryl licks her lips before she exhales shakily and looks to her former fiancé. 

 

“archie, i need you to drive me to riverdale.” she says simply.

 

archie’s eyes widen, josie gasps, moose nods almost immediately, while kevin and veronica simply exchange confused glances.

 

“what? cheryl-.”

 

the door to toni’s room opens suddenly, and cheryl jumps up from her seat and out of josie’s grip as the doctor and a few nurses help wheel toni’s bed in, the girl staring up at the ceiling and looking a lot more coherent and conscious than she was when she left. 

 

cheryl notices her left arm is in a sling, and bile rises in the back of her throat as she looks at the doctor with concern when he comes to a stop in front of her.

 

“x-rays determined three broken ribs as i suspected, but she also had a dislocated shoulder that we managed to pop back into place. she’ll be in a sling for the next few weeks, but other than that…no internal bleeding, no internal damage. i don’t want to say she’s lucky not to have suffered worse damage, but, truthfully, she is. i’ve seen a lot worse cases than hers, but regardless…police will be here in about an hour to get her statement and yours, miss blossom-.”

 

“i won’t be here. but please tell them i’ll give them my statement as soon as i come back. i apologize for the inconvenience, but there’s an urgent matter i need to attend to.” cheryl says firmly. the doctor raises an eyebrow at her, and that accusing look is back in his eyes.

 

cheryl really wants to slap it off his face.

 

“more important than your partner being beat up?” he deadpans. cheryl clenches her jaw, but nods once, because as much as it kills her to say it, she knows it is.

 

she won’t stand by and watch this happen anymore…toni will understand…

 

“alright…in that case, i’ll tell them to hold off until tomorrow morning.”

 

“good. thank you, doctor.” he simply nods once before he makes his way over to toni, who winces as the nurses help her sit up slowly before she looks to the doctor with a thankful smile.

 

“you’re in the clear, miss topaz. we’ll keep you here for the next few days just for observation, but you escaped any major injuries, which is good. the police will be by tomorrow morning to get your statement, alright? if you need anything, just hit the call button on your remote there. these lovely ladies will set up an iv of some pain relief for you now.” toni licks her lips before she nods once, and the doctor smiles before he makes his way out of the room.

 

cheryl stays still, is completely quiet until the nurses finish setting up toni’s iv, and the second they’re done and out of the room, all six of them rush to her bedside, voices overlapping to echo their concerns as toni looks at them all in surprise.

 

“what are you guys d-doing here?” she gasps out, wincing as cheryl smiles and brushes her hair back from her face with a gentle smile.

 

“i called them, toni. i wasn’t gonna let you be here alone.” toni frowns at her words, but says nothing as kevin takes her hand into his own and presses a kiss to the back of it with wide and terrified eyes.

 

“god, what happened, toni?” he asks softly. cheryl perks up, the details unknown to her as well as toni sighs and adjusts herself once again with her bad arm shifting in her sling and causing her to wince.

 

“i…i don’t know, i ordered some takeout, so i thought…when i heard a knock on the door, i thought it was the delivery person, but as soon as i opened the door, these two…these two guys, _big_ guys, they…they kicked the door down and walked in. i asked them what they wanted, and they…” toni trails off, eyes darting to cheryl, who clenches her jaw, but leans in to kiss toni’s brow with a firm nod.

 

“it’s okay…i know it was him. i know...” cheryl whispers against her skin. toni sighs and leans into her touch, swallowing thickly before she looks to the others with sadness written all over her face.

 

“they told me clifford blossom sent them. they…they pulled a gun on me, held it to my head, told me that clifford was giving me a proposition…i leave cheryl alone, move away from new york, never return to riverdale, never contact her again, and they’ll let me live.” toni croaks out, leaning again into cheryl’s touch as archie scoffs and moose runs his fingers through his hair angrily.

 

“jesus christ, toni…what did you say?” veronica whispers in shock. toni scoffs and looks up at cheryl suddenly, her eyes ablaze with nothing but determination.

 

“i told them to go fuck themselves. that i love cheryl and nothing was going to stop me from loving her.” toni says fiercely. cheryl’s eyes close, anguish gripping her, but god, so much love, because the fact that toni’s fucking life was at risk but she _still_ held her ground…

 

_she really loves you, cheryl…she meant it, she’s not backing out again, she’s here for the long run this time…_

 

“they cocked the gun, but i held my stance, and then the guy who wasn’t holding the gun…he lost it on me. said he’d beat my love for her out of me then and started hitting me before i even had the chance to defend myself. the other guy was trying to get him to stop, said something about making it look like a suicide and that hurting me would ruin that-.”

 

“jesus, fuck…” kevin breathes as josie covers her mouth in horror. cheryl closes her eyes, lets toni’s words process and tries her best not to do something stupid, like scream or cry or throw something across the room in her anger at the fact that her father has stooped this goddamn fucking low…

 

this isn't little threatening voicemails left on her phone anymore, this man was attempting to _murder_ toni now...she has to stop this, she _has_ to...

 

toni shakes her head and lets out a whimper that prompts cheryl to lean back down to kiss her hairline, giving toni the courage to get her final sentence out as she does.

 

“the last thing i remember is one of them saying to call clifford, and then i blacked out. next thing i knew…i was in here.” she says softly, exhaling shakily as cheryl peppers gentle kisses across her hairline soothingly. 

 

“fucking hell…this is crazy, this can’t be allowed-.”

 

“he’s not gonna get away with this.” cheryl interrupts moose quickly, her hand moving down to rest on toni’s collarbone as the pink haired girl lifts her free hand out of kevin’s grip to clasp cheryl’s hand into her own, resting them both over her thumping heart as she does.

 

“cheryl…” toni breathes, her one good eye fluttering closed as she leans back into the bed with a tired sigh, but cheryl kisses her brow again and shakes her head against her.

 

“don’t tell me not to do it, toni. this ends _now._ ” cheryl whispers fiercely.

 

“cher, please…just leave it alone, baby. the police will deal with him-.”

 

“and he’ll pay them off like he always does! not this time!” cheryl hisses, her grip in toni’s hand tightening as her girlfriend looks up at her with one eye filled with sadness, but the sight of her other eye swollen shut just reinvigorates cheryl’s desire to get to riverdale even more.

 

“cheryl, please…whatever you’re thinking-.” toni starts, but cheryl won’t hear it. 

 

“you can’t talk me out of this one, toni. this is about more than what he’s done to you, but he’s crossed the fucking line with this. in fact, he crossed the line when he decided to sue you, at this point, the line is a fucking dot to him. he’s not coming back from this one and i’m gonna make sure of it.”

 

“cheryl…what are you gonna do?” toni breathes, anxiety written all over her bruised and battered face, but cheryl quickly leans down to kiss her lips, soft and gentle, the opposite of what those brutes did to her before she pulls back with a soft smile.

 

“nothing, baby, just relax, okay? please, toni, i just want you to relax…” 

 

“it’s hard to do that when my girlfriend is talking about facing off against her father and i can’t be there to help her-.” toni says anxiously with a whine before suddenly-

 

“i’ll go with her.” archie says firmly, standing up and giving josie’s shoulder a squeeze before he smiles up at toni with a nod.

 

toni exhales shakily, not at all looking convinced that this is a good idea, and maybe she's right, but cheryl kisses her once more, lips insistent against her broken and beaten ones to reassure her that no matter what…

 

it’s them against whoever stands in their way now. just like she said.

 

“you and me now. remember?” cheryl whispers against her lips. toni whimpers and suddenly fists cheryl’s shirt into her grip with her good hand, her forehead resting against cheryl’s as she breathes heavily and shakes her head against her.

 

“exactly, you and me, cher, so you can’t do this alone! let me come with you-.”

 

“no. he’s done enough damage to you, toni.” cheryl says softly, pulling back and taking in the sight of toni’s poor, beaten face and body before her…

 

_end this, cheryl...end it..._

 

“cher…please, don’t do this alone-.”

 

“she won’t be. i’ll be with her, toni, i promise.” archie says firmly. toni looks past cheryl to him with pleading eyes, as if begging archie to make her change her mind, but cheryl knows archie is in the same boat as her, wants revenge against clifford blossom for trying to control his life just as much as cheryl does...

 

it's why she asked him to come with her in the first place.

 

cheryl grips toni's chin gently with a smile and kisses the corner of her mouth as tenderly as possible.

 

“you stay here and rest and heal. i’ll be back before you know it, i promise.” toni whines in protest again, but cheryl turns to look at kevin, moose, josie and veronica with pursed lips and a raised eyebrow.

 

“you guys will stay with her, right? keep her safe? keep her occupied?” she asks. they all nod, and cheryl’s about to move away when toni pulls her back down and grips her cheek, forcing her to turn her head as she smashes their lips together despite the pain it causes her. she kisses her deeply, in the most passionate kiss cheryl’s probably ever experienced with her yet, fingers fisting into her hair to keep her in place before the need for air becomes too great for the both of them. they pull away slowly, gasping as toni looks up at her with tears welling in her one good eye.

 

“don’t go…don’t go, cheryl, if he hurts you and i’m not there-.”

 

“he won’t. i’m not that five year old girl anymore, toni. i’m not afraid of him.” cheryl whispers. toni stares at her pleadingly, but cheryl forces herself to stay strong, and toni stares into her eyes for the longest time, brown reflected on brown, determination versus anxiousness before toni sighs loudly and shakes her head just once.

 

“if he does something to you…” she murmurs, but cheryl simply kisses her hair with a smile and closes her eyes as toni takes her hand and kisses the back of it fiercely.

 

“come back to me…you come back to me, cheryl blossom, or i swear to god-.”

 

“i will…of course i will.” cheryl promises immediately. toni looks to archie, who simply smiles and nods once as a promise of his own before he’s standing, and josie exhales shakily before she’s standing as well and wrapping her arms around archie’s waist, one hand raising to touch archie’s cheek tenderly with nothing but fear shining in her eyes.

 

“keep her safe, but…keep yourself safe too, please?” josie whispers. archie smiles softly before he leans down to kiss her against the lips, taking her face into his hands as josie’s hands lay flat against his chest. cheryl finds herself smiling widely at the sight, and she looks down at toni, who smiles just the same before she looks up at cheryl and gives her a firm nod.

 

“i don’t want you to go, but i understand why you need to do this…just promise me you won’t let him get into your head.” she says firmly.

 

and cheryl smiles before she gives toni’s hand a firm squeeze in confirmation.

 

“he won’t…not now, not ever. not anymore. i promise.” 

 

\---------

 

staring up at the house she grew up in, cheryl finds none of the warmth she’s ever experienced with toni flood her. most people are meant to feel some sort of happiness, some sort of nostalgia when looking upon the home that they spent their entire childhood in, but looking up at thornill manor in all it’s eeriness in the dead of night…

 

cheryl feels nothing but anger, regret, loss and sadness. and it makes her hand twitch and her entire body ache with the pain of everything she experienced in the past in this home.

 

the nights spent crying, unable to turn onto her back due to the belt whips on her skin there…unable to sit at the dinner table or on anything with a hard surface because of the bruises on the back of her thighs…hours spent roaming through her entire wardrobe looking for shirts with long sleeves that weren’t too thick in the summer time to hide the bruises on her arms and shoulders…

 

she licks her lips before a warm hand interlaces with her own, and cheryl suddenly feels that warmth she’s been wanting to feel flood her the second she feels it.

 

it’s a different warmth than what she feels when she's with toni, but it’s still a warmth she appreciates as she looks up into archie’s hard eyes and feels nothing but love and comfort hit her.

 

no matter what happens…she will never, ever regret her time with this boy beside her. 

 

“thank you, archie…for coming with me.” cheryl croaks out, eyes moving to the manor in front of her as archie squeezes her hand and lets out a shaky exhale.

 

“i wasn’t gonna let you do this alone. no way.” archie says simply. cheryl smiles at his words, still in disbelief that despite the fact that their relationship fell apart…archie is still by her side.

 

how did she get so lucky to have such good friends in her life?

 

“what are you gonna do when you get in there?” archie asks in wonder, staring up at the dark clouds that blanket the sky and keep the stars hidden from sight while cheryl squares her shoulders and forces herself to let go of the smidgen of fear burying its way into her heart.

 

“i…don’t know. pour my heart out…tell him how much i hate him. because i do…i really hate him for everything he’s done to me. and for him to do what he’s done to toni, to someone i _love…_ ” cheryl croaks out. 

 

it’s silent for a couple of more moments before archie sighs beside her.

 

“do you think he’ll care?”

 

and cheryl truly ponders his words for a few moments before she comes to the heartbreaking conclusion that…no.

 

no, clifford blossom likely won’t give a _damn_ what his daughter has to say to him. but cheryl has to say it anyway.

 

she’s not doing this for him. she’s doing this for herself. and for toni.

 

_no more fear. confront the reaper, cheryl._

 

without replying to archie, cheryl makes her way towards the door and reaches under the doormat for the key, pulling it out from where it’s taped against the harsh material before she slots it into the keyhole and turns it. the door opens with a loud creak, the age of the infamous blossom manor beginning to show now as she pushes her way inside with archie right on her heels.

 

the soft glow of a fire to her right pulls her attention straight away, and cheryl finds herself letting out a shaky breath before she reaches behind her blindly for archie’s hand. he takes it, gives it a reassuring squeeze to let cheryl know he’s right by her side before they make their way towards the drawing room.

 

_whatever’s waiting in there, i’m ready…i’m ready for it-_

 

cheryl pushes the door open with a sharp intake of breath, and what she finds before her actually causes her to stop short with surprise.

 

because it’s not her father she finds.

 

penelope blossom is sitting by the fireplace in an old rocking chair, one that cheryl recognizes belonged to her nana rose before her untimely death, a glass of whiskey in her mother’s hand and the bottle itself resting on the carpet, almost empty.

 

penelope barely even looks up at the sound of the door creaking open, continues rocking back and forth as she stares into the flames before her, and cheryl can barely see her face because she’s turned on an angle, but she can hear the telltale signs of her mother sniffing back tears as archie comes to a stop pressed right up against cheryl’s back with his arm slightly moved in front of her to protect her.

 

cheryl stares at the side profile of her mother for a long time, watching her rock back and forth back and forth almost obsessively with no idea on how to get the words she wants to say out before her mother suddenly drains her glass dry with a quick movement and ducks down to grab the bottle off the ground with a slight hiccup.

 

“he’s getting worse…he coughed up blood this morning. didn't stop for almost an hour, but refused to go to the hospital...” her mother slurs huskily, the brown liquid clearly getting to her as she sinks back against the chair and smacks her lips before she drops the glass to the floor with a dull thud and simply raises the bottle to her lips this time. cheryl swallows thickly, finds penelope’s words falling on deaf and uncaring ears as she clears her throat.

 

“where is he?” cheryl asks simply, and she’s even surprised by how clear and precise her voice is despite how _badly_ her entire body is shaking right now against archie’s. her mother doesn’t even acknowledge that she’s heard her, still rocking back and forth as she stares into the flames before her.

 

“he plans to euthanize himself next week…he won’t let the sickness take him…won’t spend his final days a fragile, weak man…” penelope whispers, eyes closing and a stray tear falling down her cheek, and cheryl finds herself bravely stepping closer.

 

she came here with a purpose. she won’t leave until she sees it through, no matter what penelope says to her right now.

 

she has no remorse or sadness for her father’s sickness and the fact that he’s dying. he _still_ ordered an innocent woman be murdered for not complying to what he wanted. he still tried to ruin that woman's life, and succeeded in driving her out of her own goddamn city because of it.

 

and if he could destroy toni's life so easily...how many other lives has he destroyed with a snap of his fingers?

 

in her eyes, he’s already dead.

 

but she still needs to get her words out, still needs to say her piece…

 

“where is he?” cheryl repeats once more, each word enunciated and precise as penelope’s eyes flutter closed and she licks her lips with another sniff of her nose.

 

“in his office.” she deadpans, raising the bottle to her lips once more to take a sip. cheryl lets out a shaky breath before she turns back to face archie, who is watching her mother with a slight look of concern before his eyes meet his former fiancée’s. 

 

“stay here with her please, arch? just keep an eye on her. i…i need to do this alone.” cheryl says softly, smiling as best as she can despite the fear gripping her right now over what she’s about to say to the man who has done nothing but terrorize her for her whole life…

 

archie looks at her with hesitation, but one look at the determination in her eyes and he’s pursing his lips before he nods once, looking to penelope with that frown of concern deepening more and more by the second. cheryl brushes past him, but he suddenly grips her hand to stop her in tracks, forcing her to look up at him questionably as he does.

 

“you be careful, you hear me? any signs of foul play…” archie murmurs, trailing off when penelope suddenly scoffs from behind them, but cheryl simply nods once at him, ignores her mother and slips her hand out of archie’s grip before she makes her way back out of the drawing room and towards the main staircase. 

 

he won't hurt her, she knows he won't. if he's as sick and as weak as her mother is saying, he won't be able to do a thing...

 

her fingers drum five times against the railings regardless, and each step she takes, she’s reminded of the way her father threw her against the railings every time she counted her steps or ran back up them to repeat going down them five times, remembers the one time he physically _threw_ her down these very steps until she had bruises all over her back and arms from each bump she’d taken…

 

she shivers before she makes her ascent, forcing herself not to count, to think of toni’s lips, so soft and smooth beneath her touch, or the way her hair curls in soft pink waves around her shoulders, and god, that skin…that beautiful dark skin that cheryl loves oh so fucking much…the way toni says her name so softly, but so passionately, or the way she smiles and the way her nose crinkles every time she does…or when she wakes up in the mornings and always somehow manages to squeeze cheryl closer before kissing her shoulder and rolling onto her back…

 

remembers the first time she laid eyes on toni, sitting behind that desk of hers with her feet up and popping bubblegum like a child, finds herself smiling widely at the memory...

 

and just like that.

 

she’s in front of her father’s office. 

 

cheryl blinks rapidly a few times in surprise before she reaches for the handle, and somehow, out of nowhere, she feels any ounce of fear, of nervousness or anxiousness just…leave her.

 

she steps through with poise and purpose.

 

and comes face to face with the man who holds every iota of her hatred right now.

 

clifford blossom is writing something down on a piece of paper, doesn’t even look up at cheryl as she comes in, but she hears the way he sighs loudly, sees the way his shoulders slump forward in defeat before he suddenly leans back and drops the pen onto the desk, reaching for the glass of rum on the desk besides the papers as he does.

 

“i was wondering how long it was going to take you…” he murmurs, taking a sip as cheryl simply stares at him from the doorway with her fists clenched and her heart racing.

 

“i was at the hospital. i didn’t want to leave but i knew i had to.” she says somewhat calmly, her voice only slightly shaking as clifford finally looks up at her with a bemused smile.

 

“to see me.” he says simply. 

 

“to see you.” cheryl confirms. he sighs and takes another sip from his drink, sniffing once he’s done and looking up at her before he stretches out his arms with a shrug.

 

“and?” he says, egging her on, coaxing her into a fit, to get mad and throw things and scream at him, but instead-

 

cheryl steps closer and closes the door behind her, squares her shoulders and makes her way over to her father’s desk before she’s grabbing the bottle of rum on the corner of it and all but savagely pulling the cap off it.

 

she takes a long drink, savors the burn of it down her throat with fluttering eyes before she drops it back down onto the desk without putting the cap back on it. she wipes the back of her mouth with her hand, looks at her father with almost expressionless eyes before she sinks down into the seat in front of his desk with a sigh.

 

it’s silent for a long time between them before-

 

“aren’t you tired?” cheryl asks simply, her whole body just sagging in fatigue as she looks up at her father for answers with tears welling in her eyes, and fuck, she hates it so much because she doesn't want to give him the sick satisfaction of seeing her cry, but she can't help it.

 

because she _is_ tired, and god, how can he not be?

 

clifford chuckles and takes another sip of his drink, staring down at the glass in wonder before he lets out a long and almost sarcastically auspicious sigh.

 

“i don’t have the luxury of being tired, cheryl. not even when death is knocking on my door.” he says solemnly. cheryl scoffs and runs her slightly shaking fingers through her hair, her words spilling out her before she can stop them as she sniffs back her tears almost painfully.

 

she won't cry for clifford blossom.

 

“if you expect me to feel sorry for you-.”

 

“your father is dying, cheryl, i’d expect you to at least feel _something_.” he says with an almost angry hint to his tone.

 

cheryl stares at him in disbelief.

 

he truly expects her to care...after everything he's done to her, he expects her to care about the fact that he's dying, this...this fucking man is beyond delusional, beyond narcissistic, beyond _anything_ , any _words_ -

 

_tell me, cheryl...look into his eyes and tell him..._

 

she looks up at him, takes a deep breath in just...lets go.

 

“did you feel something when you hit me? every time you raised your hand to me, when you grabbed my arms so hard you bruised me? when you threw me against the railings just for counting my steps, or smacked the back of my thighs with a bamboo stick for retying my shoelaces five times, did you feel anything? did you _care_ , when you raised your hand against your own daughter, a child you promised to protect when you held her in your arms as a baby, and yet...a child you caused the most harm to, even now...did _you_ feel anything?" cheryl whispers.

 

any ounce of color left in clifford's face seems to just _drain_ , his smile faltering and this look in his eyes that cheryl has never seen before as she leans in a little closer with her voice still dropped down to an almost deathly whisper.

 

"everything you've done to me and you expect me to care that you're dying? you expect me to care? did you feel anything when you ordered those men to hurt the woman i love-.”

 

“those buffoons were only supposed to threaten her, they weren’t supposed to hurt her! how do you think i felt getting that call telling me that they had beat her?! making _me_ vulnerable...i told them to finish her off and make it look like a robbing gone wrong, and they couldn't even do that right! i gave them specific instructions to make it look non suspicious if she didn't comply!" clifford interrupts harshly, and cheryl finds herself standing up almost immediately, the anger flooding through her body and making her feel hot all over as her voice raises before she can stop it.

 

she wants to kill him...god, does she want to kill him-

 

“so they were just supposed to _kill_ her, right?! make it look like a suicide if she didn’t leave me, you fucking sadistic piece of shit!” she hisses, gripping the desk and leaning into her father, watching as he stares at her with not an ounce of fear, but instead of it causing any kind of panic in cheryl, for once in her life, it causes anger.

 

not because he isn’t afraid of her, or because she _wants_ him to be. but because right now, she’s quite sure the same expression on his face is reflected on her own.

 

a complete lack of care and love for the person opposite them. 

 

clifford clenches his jaw, eyes ablaze with that same blossom anger before he raises his index finger and points it at her threateningly.

 

“you watch your mouth! i am still your father-.”

 

“you became nothing to me the second you laid a hand on me at the age of five! and then to hurt toni? someone i love so dearly, and for what? FOR WHAT?!” cheryl demands, slamming her fists onto the desk to get her _fucking_ point across as her father glares up at her with bared teeth.

 

“if she had just done what i asked, they wouldn’t have hurt her! they would have left her alone! she could’ve been free to live whatever life she wanted!” he growls angrily. cheryl scoffs and stands up straight, shaking her head in utter disbelief that this _man_ is somehow her _father_ as she glares at him with nothing but disgust.

 

“you’d go so far as to take someone’s life to get what you want…you squash others under your foot and tell them life is all about having power, but you’ve never, _ever_ given anyone the chance to have it! you are _spineless_ and a coward!” cheryl’s voice raises in pitch, and she’s trying so hard to contain herself, but fuck, she _can’t-_

 

“cheryl…you’re treading on a very dangerous line here-.” clifford starts, but cheryl cuts him off with a derisive laugh.

 

“or what? you’ll beat me up? kill me and make it look as a suicide? do it. i _dare_ you. toni’s already telling the police everything back in new york, why not add a murder charge on top of everything else, huh? imagine the headlines! clifford blossom, the sadistic psycho who _murdered_ his own fucking daughter!” cheryl screams, her foot kicking out against the desk angrily, but the pain that hits her toe only background noise as her father scoffs and stares at her with a raised eyebrow, barely fazed by the way his daughter is acting.

 

“you think i _care_ about the police? they’re nothing but a bunch of blathering simpletons, and a majority of them are as corrupt as i am. give them simple green paper and they'll worship the ground you walk on. and besides, what does it matter if they come in here and arrest me for ordering toni’s death, cheryl? i’ll be dead before the judge can even _look_ at the case.” clifford says triumphantly, leaning back into his chair without a care in the world.

 

and something in cheryl snaps at the look of complete and utter smugness on his face.

 

she just _snaps._

 

“i hope your death is a painful one. and i hope you truly take these words as i mean them…i hope you look into my eyes and realize that your own _daughter_ truly means it when she looks into yours and tells you…i _hate_ you. i have not an ounce of remorse or sympathy in me for the fact that you are dying, and in fact…i’ll be there at your funeral, with a grin on my face and a laugh as i watch them lower you into the ground where you belong.” she says in an almost deathly whisper, staring straight into clifford’s eyes, into his _soul_ as she says it.

 

clifford blinks in shock, shoulders slumping, all traces of humor erased, cheryl’s words finally having some form of impact on him as she grins menacingly at the sight and steps forward closer to him.

 

_who has the power now, you son of a bitch-_

 

“you have spent my entire life making sure that i’m afraid of you…i want you to see what all your hard work has done, father. _nothing._ because i can say, wholeheartedly…that i am _not_ afraid of you. because all you’ve done is proven to me how very _weak_ you are. a weak, _pathetic_ little man who thought money could get him power when all it got him was this…children who hate him, a drunk for a wife and a sickness that can’t be cured _sucking_ the little life he has left in him." she hisses, watching clifford sit there and drink her words in before she leans in as close as fucking possible.

 

"you are not _loved_ , clifford blossom. you are not _cherished_ , by anyone and least of all by your own family. if you think anyone at that precious company of yours cares about you, you're mistaken. you are nothing but alone in this world, with not one friend and one person who cares for you. what a lonely life to lead…” cheryl says each word with purpose, this adrenaline buzzing through her body, and fuck, it’s all verbal vomit, these words spilling out of her like a cascading waterfall as clifford looks up at her in disbelief that _she_ , cheryl marjorie blossom, is saying all of this.

 

he stares at her for a long time before he clears his throat, and if cheryl’s surprised by the way his eyes begin to tear up, she doesn’t acknowledge it, buries it deep inside her heart to die because _she won’t be swayed by tricks._

 

“all i wanted you to do was marry archie...keep my legacy alive, that's all, cheryl...” clifford whispers, staring down at the papers on the desk so cheryl can't see the tears that fall, and cheryl scoffs before she leans in closer to him, resting her hands on his desk as she does.

 

“all you wanted me to do was deny my very _being_ for _your_ profit. because it’s all about you, that’s how it’s always been…” she trails off, waiting until her father looks up at her with shock still in his eyes before she hisses her next words.

 

“not anymore. you come near toni and i again…and i _will end you._ and don't think i'm not capable of it. i think you forget just how much i saw with the job i had with you. i have enough evidence against you to bury you six feet under before that disease eating away at you does.” 

 

she pushes herself away from the desk, content to make her way out, to leave this office and never fucking return because she’s said her piece, she’s done entertaining any more minutes of her precious life, wasting them on this despicable man-

 

the sound of a gun cocking.

 

cheryl freezes with her hand on the doorknob, her heart dropping to somewhere below the goddamn foundation of this manor as she hears clifford growl in frustration behind her. she turns slowly, watches as he sways slightly before he suddenly begins coughing loudly, one hand holding a gun to her face and his free hand trembling as he raises it to his mouth and coughs into it in a way that even has cheryl fucking wincing.

 

when he pulls his hand back, cheryl can see the large spots of blood on his pale skin, watches as clifford stares down at it with almost wide, mad-like eyes before he turns his gaze to cheryl once more.

 

“don’t think…that just because i’m dying, i’m weak and have no power over you. i have _always_ had the power in this family, cheryl…and i will continue to have it long after i’m gone. that doesn’t change, not now, not ever.” clifford wheezes, blood staining his teeth and tongue as he coughs once more with a wince.

 

and cheryl stares at him in disbelief that she was ever, _ever_ afraid of this man. because fuck, yeah, he might have a gun on her right now, but looking at him, the way he’s hunched over and wheezing like…a decrepit old thing…

 

he's pathetic. so utterly pathetic that it hurts to even look at him...

 

“i’m not that five year old girl anymore. if you want to kill me…kill me. shoot me right between the eyes and watch the life leave them, but you? you _live_ the rest of your miserable life, however short it may be, with the knowledge that you killed your own daughter.”

 

clifford’s bottom lip trembles, tears welling in his eyes once again, and cheryl knows it’s not over the fact that he’s lost his daughter, or the fact that he’s holding a gun to her face right now.

 

it’s because she isn’t scared of him. she _truly_ isn’t scared of him.

 

he has no power over her anymore.

 

and that, to clifford blossom, is the most heartbreaking thing of all.

 

"you're weak, daddy. come to terms with it. drink it in...you're not a god, not some holy being...you're just a man. and oh, what a truly pathetic one you are." she whispers, nodding down to the blood in his hands, and clifford trembles before the hand holding the gun shakes.

 

"cheryl...please...just d-do what i ask..." he whispers breathlessly. cheryl grins widely, which is such an odd sight considering the gun pointed at her head as she shakes her head once.

 

"no. you can spend your final days on this earth watching your empire crumble. i hope you truly come to terms with how you've chosen to live your life, daddy...and realize just how _alone_ you are at the end of it all." 

 

cheryl smiles, turns back around and grips the doorknob between her fingers, twists it and is about to exit, the thought of toni’s smile and the image flashing before her eyes, causing her to smile.

 

she’s going home.

 

she’s going home to the girl she loves-

 

BANG.

 

\------------------

 

“you must think we’re despicable.” 

 

penelope blossom’s voice is slurred beyond recognition, but archie andrews pays no attention as he ducks his head out of the drawing room to look at the staircase with worry. cheryl’s been gone for over ten minutes now, and archie hasn’t heard a peep.

 

_what the hell is going on up there…_

 

“you know, we could have given you a great life, archie-.”

 

“keep your mouth shut, i don’t want to hear it.” archie snaps, his worry getting the best of him as penelope scoffs and drinks from her almost empty bottle of whiskey once more.

 

“men…you’re all the same, so demanding and-.”

 

BANG.

 

archie’s heart _falls._

 

he feels weightless, like someone’s just cut the strings keeping him up as his knees buckle and a cry of anguish escapes him before he can stop it. 

 

“no…no, no, no, no, no, no…” he looks to penelope, sees the way she sags against the chair before she’s clutching her heart and whimpering with her face contorted in horror.

 

"ch-cheryl..." she whispers, but archie ignores her completely, throws open the door to the drawing room and tears up the stairs, screaming cheryl’s name over and over and over again-

 

_this isn’t happening, please god, please, please-_

 

he runs straight to the office, trips over the rug and lands harshly on his front, but pushes himself up regardless and grabs the door, throwing it open-

 

a small figure almost barrels into him, and the second he feels her warmth, archie’s enveloping cheryl into a hug, sobbing into her red hair and holding her close, whispered ‘thank you’s echoing out over and over because he hasn't lost her, she's here, she's okay, she's safe, she's-

 

“holy…oh my god…”

 

his pleading stops.

 

he stares, wide eyed with horror, at the sight of clifford blossom’s body hunched over his desk, blood dripping down the wooden edges and onto the carpet beneath them, and archie can’t move.

 

cheryl can see the veins in his neck standing out, eyes bulging, body frozen in terror, and she wishes she could shield him from the sight, but it’s too late.

 

she doesn’t turn around.

 

she hasn’t turned around since that gunshot first echoed out. 

 

“i…ch-cheryl…what…wh-what happened…” archie whispers, words disconnected and slurred in chaos and confusion, and cheryl still doesn’t look back as she leans in closer to archie for just a moment to remind herself of the good in her life…

 

“i guess he couldn’t handle being human for once.” she murmurs softly.

 

and without a backward glance, cheryl leaves the office and makes her way to the staircase, leaving archie frozen in the doorway as she does.

 

she’s heading for the front door before she comes to a stop at the drawing room, and she turns and heads through the door to see penelope staring up at it with wide, expectant eyes.

 

she watches her mother sway slightly, sees the way her bottom lip trembles before she collapses into her rocking chair once more with a whine, but what cheryl doesn’t expect to see, is the way she seems to let out a huge sigh of relief before she slumps forward, tears falling down her cheeks and the bottle falling to the ground beside her.

 

cheryl doesn’t comment on it regardless, simply stares for a few moments before:

 

“call jason and let him know his father is dead.” 

 

she turns her back easily on her mother as well and makes her way to the front entrance to get to the car, leaving her dead father, her mother, and her ex-fiancé behind as she does.


	24. just like old times

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oooooooh beech we on the second last chapter beech oooooh!
> 
> I'll leave the sappy shit for the last chapter, this one is uh...sad, but also healing? damn Cheryl's come a long way since that first chapter, they BOTH have! :( leave a comment or you can reach me on twitter at @endofdaysforme
> 
>  
> 
> anyway, stan choni for clear skin xo

cheryl refuses to go to the funeral.

 

despite her grandeur words, despite her promises to be there with a smile when they lowered clifford blossom’s body to the ground, cheryl can’t seem to bring herself to go.

 

perhaps it’s because, at the end of it all, she watched him die. perhaps it’s because, at the end of it all, clifford blossom was her father, and despite all his sins and all his treacherous ways, to be there as his victim, victorious at the end of it all, somehow makes her worse than him. or perhaps because, at the end of it all…cheryl doesn’t want to stand there with a smile on her face, but perhaps would rather sit there and cry, and mourn clifford blossom, not for who he was or the role he played in her life, but for the man he _could have_ been to her.

 

a loving father…an honorable man with a heart of gold and the history to prove it, none of which he had. 

 

so instead, cheryl chooses not to go, and cheryl chooses to stay in new york and ignore the many texts she receives from her brother after months of silence, message after message begging her to make some sort of an appearance at the funeral to say goodbye to the man who has done nothing but make the last twenty five years of her life a living hell. 

 

it was more or less an open and shut case. toni had told the police everything, and an arrest warrant had been drawn up with clifford blossom’s name on it, which is precisely why those red and blue lights had been flashing within seconds of cheryl stepping out of thornhill manor. cheryl had given her statement, had confirmed what toni had told them, and that had been that. the perpetrator was dead, and justice was served. 

 

cheryl thinks he got off easy, but she’s trying her best not to dwell on it. besides, she has better things to do with her time on the day clifford blossom is to be buried six feet under.

 

“cher?”

 

toni’s voice is perhaps as soft as it’s ever been as she calls out softly to the girl sitting by the window watching the rain tracks race down the glass with rapt attention before it’s pulled away by that raspy, but oh so delicate voice she’s found herself falling head over heels in love with from the second she heard it the first time almost a year ago. 

 

cheryl watches with a smile as little toni topaz, all five feet of her, pushes herself up off her hospital bed with a wince and a gasp of pain before she makes her way over to cheryl gingerly, each step cautious with the fear of causing further injury, and cheryl’s smile slowly falters into a grimace as she watches her girlfriend, the love of her life, limp her way towards her. each step is almost painful for her to watch, a sharp intake of breath escaping her when toni reaches her side and extends a bruised and beaten hand to grip her shoulder tightly, not only for comfort, but to hold herself up as well, unbeknownst to cheryl. 

 

“what’s on your mind?” toni asks gently. cheryl’s hand flies up to grip the one on her shoulder almost immediately, fingers brushing over the scratches and scrapes with a wince as her gaze slowly returns to the window with a heavy sigh escaping her before she can stop it.

 

“do you think i’m a bad person for not going to my own father’s funeral?” cheryl asks hollowly, her voice hoarse and so unlike her as her eyes track the movement of two beads of water falling fast against the window pane until they collide and form a thicker and stronger bead that trails down even faster.

 

toni is quiet for a long time, almost like she’s mulling over cheryl’s words and is thinking of the correct way to respond to them before the grip on her shoulder tightens. toni adjusts herself until she’s sitting opposite cheryl, who can’t even bear to look at her despite the ever present healing of her injuries. her eye is no longer swollen shut, thankfully, but is still bruised and puffy, bloodshot red to an almost sickening level, not an ounce of white in her eye because of it. the smaller cuts have almost disappeared completely, and the bruising has turned yellow now after a week of rest and recovering, but it’s still evident, so goddamn evident that she’s suffered a trauma that cheryl can’t even begin to comprehend, and she finds herself feeling sick for even questioning the idea of being a bad person for not wanting to go to the funeral of the man who was _capable_ of something as hideous as this.

 

“i think…that he was your father…and that it’s okay to mourn the part of you that hoped that maybe one day things would be different.” toni says suddenly, brows furrowed and eyes distant as if she’s deep in thought while cheryl purses her lips and tries her best to blink back the tears that form in her eyes. a few more moments pass before toni exhales shakily and takes cheryl’s hand into her own with a smile.

 

“it doesn’t make you a bad person to be sad about what could have been, cheryl. it just makes you _human._ ” toni whispers. the words send an almost inhuman chill up cheryl’s spine, causing her to shiver involuntarily before she lets out a shaky sigh and an equally shaky chuckle.

 

“you have this almost… _supernatural_ way of making me feel better about everything.” she murmurs, averting her gaze down to their intertwined hands, ivory against ebony as toni laughs softly and squeezes her fingers gently. 

 

“force of habit.” 

 

quiet falls over them once again as cheryl continues to play with toni’s fingers in an effort to distract herself, and it isn’t long before toni lets out a sigh and tugs her hand out of cheryl’s grip to instead tuck a finger under her chin, lifting the redhead’s gaze as she does.

 

“cheryl, there’s still time. you can make it-.”

 

“no. i’m not leaving you, and i don’t want to go, toni.” cheryl says firmly, not an ounce of hesitation or regret laced in her tone. she doesn’t want to go, that’s the honest truth, and she refuses to leave toni’s side right now, especially considering she’s about to be discharged…

 

toni simply observes her for a few moments before she lets out a long and loud sigh, nodding once in defeat and sinking back against the wall behind the window sill they’re seated on with a soft groan of pain.

 

“i won’t fight you on it, cher…but you don’t have to lie to me, you know that-.”

 

“i’m not lying, toni. i promise. the idea of going to that, of seeing people cry over his death, mourn his loss when he’s hurt so many people, including me and you…it sickens me. the world is better off without clifford blossom and i’d rather not be surrounded by people who are blind to that fact.” cheryl says simply, shaking her head once just to reiterate the fact as toni purses her lips with a worried frown.

 

“i just…i wish they never happened to you. and maybe it’s a cruel thing to think, but i can’t help it. i’m just sorry, cheryl.” 

 

oh, how impossible toni topaz seems, in this world full of hatred and anger and fucking psychotic father’s with god complexes…how impossible little toni topaz seems, with all her pureness, and good…with all her ability to sympathize and care for others…

 

apologizing to cheryl, the daughter of the man who ordered an attack on her that’s left her body broken and her mind traumatized…cheryl has noticed it, perhaps unbeknownst to toni, but she has. she’s noticed the way toni winces whenever she hears loud noises or voices, has noticed the way toni can’t seem to really be around any males except for those she trusts like kevin and archie anymore, eyes averted and entire body tensed up as if she’s anticipating some form of attack…

 

she wants to bring up the idea of therapy to her (and oh, how fucking ironic it is for her to be thinking this way now) but she knows she doesn’t have to. toni’s the one with the degree, the one with the knowledge…cheryl’s positive she’s very aware of the post traumatic stress she’s suffering from. 

 

but for now, cheryl just wants to focus on helping toni heal _psychically_ , they can get to the mental healing later…

 

“don’t apologize…it is what it is. at least i have you and archie and josie…and it seems pointless to mourn something i never had. my father never loved me, toni, the only love he had in his life was money and power, and at the end of it all, it got him a bullet in the head by his own hand. i just feel like…i don’t even know how to explain it.” cheryl croaks out, running her fingers through her hair before toni suddenly grips her hand and pulls it away firmly, pressing a kiss to her knuckles with a smile and looking up at her sadly.

 

“try to explain.” she whispers. 

 

cheryl licks her lips, thinks it over swiftly and is about to open her mouth to reply-

 

“alright, miss topaz! time for you to get out of here, hey?” 

 

toni’s doctor walks through with a grin and a chart in his hands, and cheryl slumps over in her seat and looks up at her girlfriend with a sad, but reassuring smile.

 

“later. let’s get you out of here, okay?” she says instead. toni frowns, but accepts defeat and simply nods once.

 

“later, then. i’m holding you to that, cheryl blossom.” 

 

—————

 

later ends up becoming three days later. 

 

upon returning to her apartment after being discharged, cheryl had been subjected to what was perhaps one of the most gruelling things she’s ever had to witness: someone she loves having a panic attack.

 

the second they had walked through the door, toni had become frozen, standing at the doorway with this look on her face that cheryl’s quite sure will haunt her for the rest of her life, a look that said one thing and one thing only: that toni no longer felt safe in her own home, and that sleeping there was out of the question.

 

so instead, cheryl had packed an overnight bag for her girlfriend and had steered her right back out of the apartment, had gone straight to josie’s, who had accepted them with open arms before cheryl had spent the rest of the day with a hyperventilating and very broken girlfriend in her arms. cheryl had held her throughout the entire ordeal, helpless to do anything but hold toni’s trembling form tight and whisper words of reassurance into her ear as she did. it didn’t help that toni barely said a word, had simply clutched cheryl like a lifeline and sobbed into her chest until the exhaustion and fatigue from all the tears shed had caused her to succumb to unconsciousness.

 

but now it’s been three days, and toni’s showing signs of improvement. she’s no longer walking around josie’s apartment with wide eyes as if she’s expecting an attack every second of every day, and cheryl knows that this step forward means it’s now time to talk about _everything._

 

as much as it hurts her and as much as it breaks her apart to know that the reason toni is going through any of this at all is because of her involvement with her, cheryl knows that the only way forward is to talk about it. because that’s how cheryl and toni work through things: it’s been that way from day one.

 

but first…

 

“cheryl? what is all this?” 

 

toni walks in to the guest bedroom of josie’s apartment with wide eyes, taking in everything before her with nothing but confusion written all over her face as cheryl finishes smoothing over the tarp she’s rested on the carpet, a smile playing on her lips as she does. 

 

“this…is a way for us to move forward.” she says simply, nodding down at the white canvases resting on top of the tarp and the paint cans and brushes beside them. toni’s shoulders slump slightly, but not out of defeat or sadness, but of adoration, this look in her eyes that cheryl has never seen before when she looks up at the redhead with a small smile. 

 

“the canvas is life.” toni says with a deep exhale, nodding firmly before cheryl holds out a pair of overalls to her with a grin.

 

“the canvas is life.” she confirms. 

 

and with that, cheryl and toni spend the afternoon flicking paint onto the canvases before them with colored splatter, none of it making sense, but all of it making sense _to them_ as they laugh and cry and scream and throw color after color after color after color while also being cautious not to paint any furniture by accident.

 

by the end of it all, cheryl’s canvas is covered in a slew of different colors, with the most prominent being pink, a symbol of not only her love for women, but her love for toni.

 

and toni’s…well, toni’s is also covered in a slew of colors, but the most prominent of all:

“red. for two different reasons…two very, very different reasons.” she murmurs, dropping the paintbrush breathlessly onto the tarp as cheryl comes to a stop with a look of confusion. toni looks up at her, tears shining in her eyes as it slowly dawns on cheryl what red symbolizes.

 

herself. but also…blood. 

 

the bloodshed of the night the serpents went to war and she lost her two best friends…the bloodshed of the attack that’s left her so broken and afraid…

 

“toni…” cheryl drops her own paintbrush, a heavy sigh escaping her as she makes her way over to her girlfriend, the both of them covered in paint splatter as toni’s bottom lip trembles before she looks up at cheryl in despair.

 

“it was terrifying, cheryl…i’ve never felt that helpless before. not even on the night of the serpent war with the ghoulies…but despite how scared i was for myself, all i could think about was the idea of them coming to _you_ after they were done with me. part of me begged and pleaded that clifford wouldn’t be so hideous to send people to hurt his own daughter, but…the idea of you going through what i went through-.”

 

“shh…they didn’t touch me, toni…” cheryl whispers, hooking her fingers into the straps of toni’s overalls to bring her closer. toni’s hands grip her hips, accepting her into her embrace as cheryl tucks a finger under her chin to lift her gaze.

 

“no, clifford just took his own life right in front of you.” toni says shakily, sniffing once and shaking her head almost in disbelief as cheryl licks her lips and tries her best not to think of anything to do with that night in her father’s office. 

 

right now it’s about toni…

 

“toni, i don’t want to focus on that right now, you’re hurting-.”

 

“so are you.” toni interrupts immediately, shaking her head and looking up at her with a sad smile, and cheryl licks her lips before she leans in to press a sweet kiss to the corner of toni’s mouth. 

 

“then maybe the time for painting is over? maybe we should just do what we do best…talk it out…” cheryl whispers against her skin, pulling back to look into her eyes slowly before toni inhales sharply and looks up at her with a firm nod and pursed lips. 

 

cheryl smiles and takes her hand, about to lead her out into the living room, but toni tugs on her hand, pulls her back before she grins widely, lets her go and almost throws herself down onto the tarp, regardless of the wet paint covering it.

 

cheryl hesitates, and toni chuckles and holds her hand out for cheryl to take once again.

 

“the paint is life, right? if we’re gonna talk…why not throw ourselves into it?” cheryl sighs, but ultimately takes toni’s hand and lets the pink haired girl tug her down until she’s collapsing beside her with a wince at the paint that immediately coats her clothes, skin and hair. 

 

“it’ll wash out, cher.” toni teases, grinning when cheryl rolls her eyes at her before she lays flat on her back and turns to face her with a smile of her own. toni immediately intertwines their fingers, giving her hand a squeeze before she eventually lets out a shaky breath and starts.

 

“part of me wonders if i’ll ever get over what happened…i was so scared, cheryl, more scared than i’ve ever been in my entire life, but despite it…i was willing to fight. for you, i was willing to fight. And i tried, i really did, i tried to fight against them, but there was no way i was gonna win…they overpowered me the second they walked through the door.” toni whispers, gripping cheryl’s hand so tightly, she can feel the circulation being cut off. 

 

cheryl swallows thickly, eyes fluttering closed, images forming in her mind of her small girlfriend beside her being attacked by two men far larger than she is…

 

the police still hadn’t found the two men who had attacked her on clifford’s behalf, and cheryl knows that part of toni’s fear right now comes from that fact. the sooner they get out of here to riverdale the better…

 

“i…i don’t want to say this because i don’t want to speak ill of him when you’re so conflicted about everything to do with him, but cheryl…what he did to me, right from the beginning…having the police cuff me to that table in the interrogation room when i got arrested, grabbing my arm when i was stuck to that table and overpowering me, the court case, the accusations, fucking _paying_ one of my best friends to accuse me of sexually assaulting him, all it makes me feel is sick to my stomach that a man like that could ever exist and…” toni trails off, voice wavering, tears falling down the sides of her face and into her hair, unaware of the fact that cheryl is holding back her own tears of anguish at toni’s words…

 

“and i’m not upset that he’s dead, i’m not upset that he took his own life, what i’m upset about is the fact that he did it in front of _you…_ that what he did to me within, what, six months, is what he was doing to _you_ for twenty five _years._ to think of going through what i’ve been through for that long, and knowing that you did…” 

 

cheryl grips her hand tighter, the both of them just holding onto each other as toni swallows the lump in her throat and continues ploughing on.

 

“for him to do that to me just for being in love with you…” 

 

“i know…i know.” cheryl whispers. it’s quiet for a few moments, but toni finally decides to let go and just be honest about how she feels, no matter how horrible it is.

 

“i don’t understand how you can be related to a man like that, cheryl. because you…you are everything good that a person can be. maybe a little bit stubborn, and maybe a little bit impulsive, but, god…everything _good._ this is stuff i’ve studied in my degree, the whole nature vs. nurture argument, are we the way we are because we were _born_ that way, or _made_ that way, and you…god, you are the prime fucking example of the nature argument. because despite everything those _awful_ people have done to you, you are still an amazing person with so much good in you…” toni murmurs, and cheryl simply shakes her head and turns to look at her with a sniffle.

 

“so are you, toni…despite the gang wars and the issues with your own family, you’re still a good person, too. we’re both proof in the ‘nature’ argument of nature vs. nurture.” she whispers. toni gives her a lopsided smile before she leans in a little closer to her. 

 

“maybe we’re not what people make us.” she says softly. cheryl can’t help but smile before she leans in to press a kiss to her hairline. once again, silence falls before toni suddenly rests her head against cheryl’s chest, prompting the redhead to wrap her arms around her with a deep sigh. 

 

“cheryl…i don’t really wanna talk right now. can we just, i don’t know…hold each other? just being with you, being around you, it makes me feel better.” toni mumbles, lips pressing against a paint splattered section of cheryl’s neck. 

 

and even though cheryl knows there’s more to discuss, she believes they’ve at least made progress, and for now…it’s enough for her. so she gives toni her space and smiles before kissing her hair and nodding against her.

 

“of course, toni, we can do whatever you want…but we will have to clean up this mess before josie comes home, she might kill us.” toni chuckles at that, but nods against her, and cheryl grins widely before she tickles her fingers up and down toni’s back before it suddenly occurs to her…

 

she never told toni the whole reason she was visiting her apartment when she found her in that god forsaken tub.

 

“toni?” she says softly after a few moments, and when the pink haired girl simply shifts in her arms and looks up at her, cheryl smiles and presses a kiss right between her eyes.

 

“i made a decision by the way.” she murmurs against her skin. toni frowns in confusion, and cheryl smiles softly and just holds her closer.

 

“i’ll move with you to riverdale. The whole reason i came to the apartment when…when i found you was to tell you.” 

 

toni’s entire body tenses in cheryl’s arms before she’s suddenly pushing herself up and hovering over cheryl with wide eyes, looking down at her in shock and disbelief.

 

“you…you will? you’ll do it, really-.” cheryl leans up and kisses her, only pulling away to rest her forehead against toni’s before she nods against her. 

 

“yeah…unless you don’t want me to-.”

 

“shut up and kiss me.” toni breathes, and she doesn’t even give cheryl the chance to, attacks her with full force, kisses her until she loses breath and everything around cheryl begins to spin.

 

and it quickly dawns on cheryl that this is how it will always be with toni…that despite the sadness, and no matter what they talk about, there will always be moments like this. 

 

of complete and utter happiness. 

 

——————

 

a month goes by, flies by, really, and within no time at all, toni and cheryl are packing up her apartment in order to move out of new york. 

 

They’ve spent the last few weekends making their way down to riverdale to check on the vacation home, and fred is now adding the finishing touches, the home on the brink of completion. fred had told them it would be done by the end of the week, so now, on a saturday afternoon when everyone is off work, cheryl and toni begin their journey to a new life together.

 

kevin, josie, archie, moose all band together to help out, seeing as toni is out of commission with most things because of her injuries, so the boys do most of the heavy lifting for her. the bedrooms are all cleaned out, and so is the kitchen and bathroom. the only thing left to do is get the furniture out of the living room, and they’ll be ready to leave by the end of tomorrow. josie’s already offered them her apartment for tonight, but come tomorrow, they’ll be making their way to their new home in riverdale. 

 

but for now: 

 

“alright, turn! turn left, moose!” archie calls out, adjusting his hold on the dining table as they make their way around the next flight of stairs, almost at the bottom to load it into the truck they had rented to move their furniture. moose grits his teeth and makes the turn, sweat dripping down his brow before they finally reach the final step and make their way towards the parking garage. 

 

“so has toni found any renters for the apartment yet?” josie asks, looking to cheryl, who simply shakes her head with a sigh.

 

“not just yet, it’s a high end apartment, so the rent is a little…up there. we haven’t gotten any takers.” cheryl grunts out as she reaches for the roller door of the back of the truck and lifts it. kevin, archie and moose lift the dining table up into the back of the truck with loud grunts of exertion as josie looks to her with a lopsided smile. 

 

“well, how would she feel about renting it out to an aspiring singer who makes a steady income and a construction worker who also has a steady income?” she says sheepishly. cheryl looks up at her in surprise, turns to look at archie as he wipes sweat from his brow and lets out an exasperated sigh before he high fives both kevin and moose. 

 

“i…wow. already discussing moving in?” cheryl asks, and it hits her straight away how hypocritical she sounds when josie simply raises an eyebrow at her. 

 

“right…you should talk to her about it. i’m sure she’d be willing to rent it out to friends.” cheryl says with a chuckle, grinning widely at her best friend, who jumps forward and embraces her tightly.

 

“thanks, cheryl. i’ll talk to her about it now.” cheryl’s about to respond when she feels someone tug on her elbow, and she turns with a frown to see moose looking down at her with an anxious look in his eyes, eyes wide and lips pursed before he looks to josie with a smile.

 

“hey…can i borrow cheryl for a second?” he asks softly. josie exchanges a glance with her best friend, who has only an inkling of an idea of why moose suddenly wants to have a private discussion. they haven’t really had a moment alone since everything went down in the courtroom, and cheryl has a feeling she’s about to go through a grueling conversation as she sighs once and simply nods at josie to let her know it’s okay.

 

no point in delaying the inevitable…cheryl’s spent too much of her life running away from her problems…

 

josie sighs, but makes her way over to archie, a smile lighting up her face as soon as he wraps his arms around her and shakes his sweaty hair with a laugh when she squeals at the flicks of water that hit her. cheryl can’t help but smile at the sight, but it’s a smile that quickly fades when she turns to face moose. 

 

the boy swallows thickly before he clenches his jaw and looks to her with nothing but sorrow in his eyes, his mouth opening and closing repeatedly as he tries to find the words to say.

 

“i…cheryl, i just wanted to say…i just wanted to say how _sorry_ i am for everything that happened. my dad had just been diagnosed with stage four cancer, and your father was waving the opportunity to save him in my face, but i never…fuck, i _never_ should’ve turned my back on my friend-.” 

 

“moose…it’s okay. i understand…your father was finally trying to understand you, and you were both on your way to healing the cracks in your relationship, fuck…if it was _my_ father who had done that, had reached out to try and mend our relationship, i would’ve done everything i could to save him, too. if anyone’s sorry, it’s _me._ it’s my father who did this to you, and i’m so sorry, moose…” 

 

and to her surprise, moose grips her shoulder before he’s pulling her into a hug, her face colliding with his chest with a grunt before she sighs against him and wraps her arms around his waist. she hugs him close, the both of them feeling the pain of clifford blossom’s actions towards them.

 

“it’s not fair…i want to tell toni how sorry i am but i’m so scared to talk to her-.”

 

“you’ve known her for forever, moose. she loves you…she’s not upset at you, and you know it. talk to her, okay?” moose nods against her with a whimper, and cheryl smiles and squeezes his waist before she lets him go, looking up into his shining brown eyes with a grin.

 

“go on…” moose sniffles before he nods and begins his ascent up the stairs back to the twelfth floor while cheryl unclenches his jaw, relaxes her shoulders and turns to face archie and josie still wrapped in each other’s embrace, kevin following after his boyfriend with a smile at the three of them before he goes. 

 

“you’re a stronger person than me, cheryl. i wouldn’t have forgiven him so quick. he almost put toni in jail…” archie murmurs, shaking his head in disbelief as cheryl sighs and shrugs. 

 

“if it wasn’t for my father, moose wouldn’t have been in that position in the first place. i just hope toni can be as forgiving…” 

 

her worries are, of course, proven unneeded when they make their way back up to toni’s apartment five minutes later to find moose sobbing into her shoulder loudly while the pink haired girl holds him close and blinks back her own tears, cooing softly and brushing his hair back gently as she does. 

 

“unbelievable…” archie grumbles behind her, and cheryl can’t help but chuckle as toni looks up at her entrance with a sad smile of her own. she pulls away from moose and almost immediately makes her way over to cheryl, wrapping an arm around her waist and resting her head on cheryl’s shoulder as she lets out a loud sigh. 

 

“so it’s just the furniture in the living room now and the fridge, right?” toni says tiredly, prompting a nod from archie as he collapses onto the couch and holds up a hand.

 

“five minute break.” he breathes out. toni chuckles and moves to the fridge, pulling out a couple of beers and holding them out to archie, kevin and moose before looking to josie with a sheepish smile. 

 

“beer?” they exchange glances before they shrug and nod, and toni laughs just as a loud knock echoes out from the front door. 

 

“oh, it’s probably veronica, she said she’d swing by to help out a bit.” toni says with a frown, and cheryl nods with a smile.

 

“i’ll get it.” cheryl murmurs, making her way down the hallway just as toni closes the fridge door. cheryl reaches out her hand out to grip the doorknob, a greeting for veronica already on her lips-

 

it’s not veronica.

 

instead, it’s like she’s looking into a mirror. wide, tear filled blue eyes stare into her own, flaming red hair that’s haphazard, pale skin and a red nose that sniffles as jason blossom stands before her, staring at his twin sister in anguish and despair.

 

“h-hey, sis…” he croaks out, wiping at his nose with his sleeve as cheryl slowly begins to process what she’s seeing in front of her.

 

it’s been months…months of radio silence, and now, out of nowhere…

 

he looks like a mess. his hair is not the usual combed and gelled hairstyle she’s used to seeing on her brother, but is sticking up all over the place, like he’s run his fingers through it far too many times. his eyes are bloodshot red and puffy, a clear sign that he’s been crying, and cheryl, despite _everything_ feels her heart utterly break at the sight.

 

because no matter what…jason is her twin brother. and because, no matter what…she’ll always love him. 

 

“jason…what are you doing here?” cheryl whispers, surprised at how calm her voice is despite how much her body is shaking. jason’s bottom lip trembles, a shaky chuckle escaping him as he ruffles his fingers through his hair. 

 

“i went to your old apartment, and some middle aged man greeted me at the door…told me you moved out with your girlfriend. i went to josie’s and you weren’t there…so i asked around for a pink haired girl, have been roaming around for hours and _hours…_ guess i finally got lucky.” he mumbles. cheryl inhales sharply, licks her lips before she nods once as jason peeks inside before sniffing once again and looking to her with pleading eyes.

 

“can…can i c-come in?” he whispers. cheryl shakes her head without hesitation, rests a hand on his chest and pushes him back out into the hallway before she closes the door behind her. 

 

“i don’t think that’s a good idea.” she murmurs. jason’s head drops before he nods slowly, clearly agreeing with her on second thought as cheryl sighs and crosses her arms over her chest, looking him up and down with an almost neutral expression. 

 

“why are you here, jason?” cheryl asks more clearly this time, because fuck, as happy as she is to see him, it doesn’t fucking erase the last eight months of radio silence she’s received from him since coming out to him and their parents…

 

“i…cheryl, there’s…there’s some th-things that are coming to light about d-dad since he died, and…and i wanted you to hear this from m-me before it r-reached your ears through someone else.” jason barely says above a whisper, his voice so hoarse, cheryl has to strain her ears to understand him as she frowns in confusion and steps closer.

 

things about her father? big surprise, all his secrets are probably being thrown into the limelight now…

 

“what is it?” she simply asks, licking her lips as jason exhales shakily and looks at her in despair.

 

“dad…he w-wanted you to marry archie so he could g-give archie the new york branch of the c-company, because…because, i-fuck, cheryl-.” jason trails off with a whimper, fresh tears flooding down his cheeks as cheryl reaches a hand out to grip his elbow with concern.

 

“jason, what?” she breathes.

 

and jason suddenly snaps, looks up at her with a wail before the floodgates open.

 

“it was a drug front! d-dad, he…he was drug trafficking, fuck, for god knows how fucking long! and he kn-knew, he _knew_ if he was caught, he’d spend the rest of his life in prison, so he…he was gonna set up archie instead, and i’m sorry, cheryl! i’m so sorry because i had no fucking idea, and he…” jason whimpers, words trailing off before he lets out a growl of frustration and looks to his sister with anger ablaze in his eyes while cheryl tries to process what the fuck her brother has just said.

 

he was going to set archie up…archie andrews, the one fucking man who has never let her down in her entire life, and clifford blossom was going to wipe him out of her life just like he tried to wipe out toni…

 

this was never about the family's reputation, this was about saving clifford's ass...throwing cheryl and archie under the bus in the process, that fucking...

 

_god, i hope you’re burning in hell, you goddamn fucking psychotic-_

 

“he was just as vile as said he was! and i’ve spent a _month_ now trying to wrap my mind around everything, and i d-don’t understand how he could be so fucking…so fucking-.” he doesn’t finish his sentence.

 

instead he breaks down into tears, hands covering his face as he sobs into them, and cheryl, despite all her anger and everything in her telling her to stop, rushes forward and wraps her brother into her embrace, holding him close as his knees buckle and he collapses into his sister with a loud wail of sadness.

 

“ch-cheryl-.”

 

“shh…it’s okay…” cheryl murmurs, sighing and rubbing gentle circles over his back in an effort to calm him down as he grips her like a lifeline while she tries to contain her anger when all she wants to do right now is go to clifford blossom's grave and spit on it.

 

archie would've been ruined...god, if toni had never come into her life and she and archie had ended up married...

 

cheryl isn’t sure how long jason cries against her for, but she lets him, tries not to be bitter about how she wished more than anything eight months ago for him to be here for her when she’d lost all hope…

 

“it’s all on me now, ch-cheryl! m-mom is g-gone, she’s just d-disappeared without a fucking w-word, and…and dad left me everything in th-the will, the whole company and i c-can’t do it alone! pl-please…please, cheryl, please help me…” he chokes out through his tears, clutching her, begging her, and cheryl…

 

cheryl bites down on her bottom lip and blinks back her tears before she decides, for once in her life…to do what’s right by herself.

 

“i can’t, jason. i’m sorry.” she whispers. 

 

jason freezes against her, a breathless gasp escaping him before he’s pulling back from her embrace and looking up at her with wide eyes filled with confusion. he blinks rapidly, sniffs once and shakes his head uselessly.

 

“wh..what? please, ch-cheryl, i d-don’t know what to do, i need your help-.”

 

“and i’m sorry that you feel lost right now, jason, i truly am, but now…” and cheryl swallows the lump in her throat quickly, doesn’t want her next words to sound petty, because god, they’re not, but they are, at the core of it all, a very saddening and despairing truth.

 

“now you know how it feels.” she whispers. jason’s eyes widen, bottom lip trembling as he whimpers before he’s gripping her hands and suddenly lifting them to his lips, pressing a kiss to her knuckles, as if it erases everything he’s done, the trauma he’s put her through-

 

“cheryl…please, i’m sorry. i’m s-so sorry! i sh-should’ve done more, i should’ve done m-more that day-.”

 

“not just that day…but every day after that. eight months, jason, eight months and you didn’t even bother to contact me, to ask me if i was okay…only when dad was dying, and he was torturing me by putting the love of my life through what he put her through…then you bothered to pick up your phone and text me and _beg_ me to just do what he wanted, after twenty five years of abuse and torture from him…you asked me to obey him when i was _finally_ making progress…” cheryl’s eyes flutter closed, her heart clenching at the feeling of dread that had swept her that day she’d read that message from jason asking her to just do what her father wanted…in the middle of that fucking court case, for him to send that…

 

“i didn’t know! i d-didn’t know, cheryl-.” jason starts, but cheryl shakes her head and looks him in the eyes, determined not to back down.

 

she won’t give him a free pass, no matter how much she loves him.

 

“you knew after i told you that day. and yet…” cheryl murmurs, trailing off as jason looks up at her with wide eyes filled with panic.

 

“why, jason? you chose the company over your own sister…what is money compared to the love we have for each other?” she whispers. jason whimpers again almost pathetically, shaking his head before he grips cheryl’s hands once in his own. 

 

“cheryl, come on…i’m your twin b-brother…” he breathes, his tone dripping with desperation as cheryl smiles and suddenly brings his hands to her lips to press a kiss to his knuckles this time.

 

“i know. and i love you. and…i forgive you. but…i want no relationship with you anymore. you deserted me, jason…in my darkest moment, you left me all alone, and that pain…you made me feel worthless…made me feel alone, and disgusting, like who i am isn’t good enough. and the pain of that…that pain, you can never take that back.” cheryl’s words are precise, and honest…everything she wants them to be, not harsh or cruel, but simply…truthful.

 

and jason hangs his head in shame, nods in agreement for just a moment as his shoulders slump in defeat before he looks up at her with nothing but sincerity in his eyes.

 

“cheryl…i’m sorry.” he whispers. cheryl’s tears fall before she can stop them, her entire body aching at the look in jason’s eyes as she sniffs back the fresh tears threatening to fall and wipes the remaining ones away.

 

she can still save him…she can, she _has_ to try-

 

“sell the company, jason. do right by yourself and sell it and just…god, just _live your life._ ” she whispers, begging him to see what she’s trying to say, begging him to see reason, please let him see-

 

“i can’t d-do that…i can’t.” jason breathes, looking at her in disbelief, eyes wide like perhaps she’s crazy, and fuck, maybe she is for trying so fucking hard to save a relationship that was damaged so goddamn long ago…long before cheryl came out, long before cheryl and archie’s relationship had ended-

 

“what’s stopping you? nothing’s holding you back anymore, jason, you can finally live the life you’ve always wanted!” she has to try, she has to give it her all, she can’t just let him go without _trying_ , even if he didn’t try for her-

 

“help me run it instead! you and me, we can help restore the blossom name, make it something to be proud of instead of what it is now!” jason breathes, this excitement shining in his eyes that instantly eliminates any hope cheryl has of getting her brother back.

 

he’s gone. the company and clifford and the entire fucking blossom business has eaten him whole…

 

the jason blossom from her childhood, from her teenage years, he’s gone.

 

“no. i have no interest in doing that, jason. the blossom name is dead to me. i want nothing to do with that company whatsoever.” cheryl says in defeat, accepting the truth: that her brother is gone, and that even now…even now, he’s selfishly asking her to do something for his own benefit without even thinking about her in the process…

 

_clifford blossom’s son through and through…_

 

oh, what a heartbreaking conclusion for cheryl to come to.

 

“cheryl, i need you on my s-side, without you…the board, they can overthrow me at every turn-.”

 

“then let them. or sell it. those are your only options. i refuse, jason. just let it go…let that god forsaken company go and do what you’ve always dreamed of doing. do what you want for once in your life, jason.” cheryl whispers, practically begs, she needs him to open his eyes, see that clifford has been playing him like a fucking puppet from the second he turned eighteen, from the second he was old enough, but he’s blind, god, he’s so fucking blind-

 

“do what i want? god, i don’t want anything other than my sister back right now, cheryl…” jason whispers, tears welling in his eyes once again.

 

cheryl smiles despite herself, unable to stop herself, despite what little hope she has left for the brother she once knew…

 

“maybe…maybe one day. but not right now…and not any time soon. you didn’t see…didn’t see what i went through, how i became, but that woman in there…” cheryl trails off, pointing to the door behind her and smiling just at the thought of the pink haired girl behind it.

 

“that woman in there, she did. and she stayed with me throughout it all. that’s… _that’s_ the kind of person i need in my life right now. not someone who comes running to me just when it’s convenient to them.” jason’s eyes widen, panic in them before he suddenly shakes his head furiously.

 

“cheryl, no! th-that’s not what i’m-.”

 

“i forgive you, jason. but i can’t forget. now please…if you have nothing else to say…leave.” cheryl says, her words firm, but not unkind as jason looks up at her with blue eyes filled with anguish.

 

“cheryl, please…”

 

cheryl doesn’t say a word, simply turns her back on her twin brother and grips the doorknob, and jason doesn’t even make an effort to stop her.

 

and it’s then really, that it hits cheryl that it’s probably really over. that she’s lost her brother for good this time. 

 

the door closes shut behind her, and cheryl makes her way down the hallway almost aimlessly, eyes brimming with tears, body trembling, mind racing, oh god-

 

“cheryl?” 

 

it doesn’t take toni long at all to rush to her side, her warm fingers reaching for cheryl’s as the red haired girl tries her best to just breathe, but all she can think about is the fact that she just shunned her brother.

 

and yes, maybe she had every fucking right to after everything he’s done to her, but that doesn’t make it hurt any fucking _less._

 

“uh…we’ll pick this back up tomorrow, guys. it’s just the couch, the coffee table, the tv unit and the tv to move, we can do it tomorrow before we head out to riverdale. go home and get some rest.” toni murmurs, looking up at the others. archie and josie immediately step forward, but toni simply shakes her head as cheryl continues to try and get her bearings.

 

she made the right choice, she stood her ground, she stood her fucking ground, but it still hurts, it hurts so fucking much-

 

“are you sure?”

 

“positive.” toni says simply. archie sighs, but holds his hand out for josie to take, and kevin and moose sigh and make their way towards the door as toni looks to cheryl’s ex-fiancé and her best friend. 

 

“i’ll calm her down and bring her over after, okay?” she whispers. cheryl clutches her chest and tries her best to just breathe, and archie and josie simply nod once and make their way towards the front door.

 

and god, cheryl is so grateful that they don’t make an attempt to touch her or comfort her, because she’s not sure she’d be able to handle it right now-

 

“shh…come here, cher, it’s okay…” toni wraps her arms around her and immediately leads her over to the couch as cheryl breaks down the second she feels toni make contact with her.

 

“j-jason, it w-was-.”

 

“i know…i heard him.” toni murmurs, pressing a gentle kiss to her temple before she sits her down on the couch and grips both of her trembling hands into her warm ones. 

 

“what happened, baby?” toni whispers, tucking a lock of pink hair behind her ear gently as cheryl looks up at her with slightly blurred vision due to the amount of tears falling down her cheeks right now.

 

“he…h-he didn’t…i-.”

 

“shh…lay down. come on, good girl…” toni sighs, slowly resting an arm around cheryl’s shoulders and gently leading her down to lay on the couch as she settles down on top of the coffee table with a wince, clutching her side as she does.

 

and before toni gets the chance to ask her anything, cheryl finds herself hysterically scoffing and choking on laughter as she looks at toni with a sniffle and a smile.

 

“we’ve been here before, h-haven’t we?” she whispers, unable to stop herself from laughing as toni’s eyes widen in confusion before she’s looking at cheryl’s position on top of the couch-

 

and grinning widely, a loud chuckle escaping her as she raises an eyebrow and suddenly lowers herself down onto the ground beside cheryl on the couch.

 

“just like old times, huh, cher?” she says with a grin.

 

cheryl smiles sadly and takes her hand, intertwining their fingers and sniffing back her tears as toni kisses her knuckles with so much more warmth than jason ever could. 

 

“just like old times…”


	25. candy apple red

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welp...we're here. the last chapter of the affectionately dubbed 'therapist fic'.
> 
> this is the probably the most popular fic in all twenty five of my works so far, and is also the one that gave me the most pain, the most trouble and the most anger, LMAO. the whole curious cat debacle, the writing through the pain of a busted leg and arm and multiple earthquakes, the frustration at getting stuck sometimes and just honestly wanting to delete the whole thing and never work on it again...it's been a long journey!
> 
> but honestly...I'd do it all again, and that's because of you guys, so thank you for sticking with me through also 250K words of this, and to those who were patient and kind with me...you're who I do it for!
> 
> I got more fics planned, don't you worry, this isn't goodbye forever! but I think a little break from writing is in order lmao! and I think a new tactic of writing multi chapter fics out entirely before posting them is in order as well...life gets crazy sometimes and I'd rather not disappoint you guys by making you wait for an update!
> 
> anyway...I'm sad this is ending, but am also relieved to see come to a close, and even though I'm honestly not in love with the ending, perhaps you'll find the beauty and closure in it that I did not lmao. we're our own worst critics, as they say!
> 
> you can find me on twitter at @endofdaysforme, where I'll keep you updated on future fic stuff! and with that, I say...BYEEEEEEEE!

**one year later**

 

“are you sure you don’t need anything else, toni? i can stay behind if you need me to.” 

 

betty cooper’s voice is soft as ever, but toni finds herself smiling despite herself just at the sound of it as betty stands and reaches for her bag on the floor.

 

“no, it’s okay, betty. i’ll close up, you head home. jughead’s probably freaking out on his own with the baby.” toni says with a chuckle, grinning as betty laughs lightly and swings her bag over her shoulder with a simple shrug.

 

“he’s actually not so bad on his own with little aubrey, but…he does tend to panic if he cries for too long without calming down.” betty chortles. toni rolls her eyes, but smiles all the same as betty shuts her computer down and grabs her car keys from the top of her desk at reception.

 

“alright, well, if that’s that…i’ll be heading out. if you need anything-.”

 

“i’ll call cheryl, don’t you worry. but thanks, betty. i’ll see you tomorrow.” toni says simply, and betty nods back before she’s heading for the front door of the southside rec center, pushing it open and making her way out while toni watches her go with a soft smile. 

 

she takes a few deep breaths in, preparing herself for what she’s about to do before she makes her way to the entrance of the rec center. she pushes the door open, a smile instantly lighting up her face at the sight of the kids from the southside waiting for her in a circle made of chairs. they all look up at her entrance, some of them tensing up on sight, some of them smiling and relaxing, and toni takes note of the ones who don’t look too happy to see her before she grabs a chair from the corner and carries it over to the circle to join them.

 

“afternoon, guys! how’s your week been?” 

 

a few grunts, a few nods, and the rest are silent.

 

not too bad, to be honest, she’s gotten worse. 

 

“sounds good…loving the enthusiasm.” toni mutters. it pulls some laughter from a couple of the kids, and toni grins widely and collapses into her chair before she looks around at the kids who remind her so much of herself over twelve years ago. 

 

“alright…so, no bullshit, no professionalism, let’s just talk. how are we all _really_ feeling?” toni sighs, slumping forward in her seat, watching as the kids shift uncomfortably and stare at each other as if daring the other to go first, and toni can’t help but smile, because this happens pretty much weekly.

 

she knows they’re afraid, and she understands why…

 

“i know some of you are new, and i know it can be a bit daunting, but i promise…you’re safe here. there’s nothing to be afraid of, this is a judgement free zone. so…whenever you guys are ready, who wants to go first?” toni calls out. it’s quiet for a few moments before rina, a girl who’s been coming to the rec center and to these therapy sessions for weeks now, raises her hand. 

 

toni simply nods at her, and rina swallows thickly before she leans in from her seat and looks up at toni with a shy smile.

 

“i talked to my dad like you told me to last week. he actually took the time to listen to me…asked me what was on my mind, he could tell something was up.” she says in a low voice. toni leans forward, all her attention immediately focused on the girl a few seats to her left as she smiles.

 

“that’s good, rina, that’s really good…how did it go?” 

 

“i, uh…i told him i was struggling with some of the kids at school peer pressuring me…told him i was having trouble with the school work, that it was all a little hard for me to understand. he actually sat down with me and helped me out with my algebra homework. it’s crazy, he knew almost everything, i didn’t realize how smart he was…” rina says with a chuckle, running her fingers through her hair, but the smile on her face as bright as day as toni nods along with a grin.

 

“that’s amazing, rina! it’s good that you plucked up the courage to talk to him, i’m really proud of you. has he been co-operative with you since?” toni asks softly. rina’s smile slowly fades as she settles back into her seat with a sigh and a shrug.

 

“we haven’t really spoken about it since…i think he’s avoiding it. he doesn’t do well with emotions.” rina says with a frown. toni nods slowly, but smiles all the same and nods at rina resolutely.

 

“maybe bring it up again with him, just keep asking him for help. he seems to be willing to do whatever needs to be done.” 

 

“yeah, i definitely will. i feel like i can talk to him about more now.” she says with a nod. toni grins, gives her a simple thumbs up and chuckles when rina rolls her eyes and gives her the middle finger, which toni gives right back.

 

“alright…so who’s next?”

 

the simple camaraderie between rina and toni makes the others feel more relaxed, and it isn’t long before they’re all speaking up, all of them talking to toni one at a time about their issues. 

 

it’s time consuming, toni dedicating as much time as each child needs, which takes over two hours as the sun begins to set outside. but of course, toni doesn’t mind…she’ll give however many hours to these kids that she has to. anything to make sure they don’t make the same mistakes she did when she was their age…

 

“okay, it’s getting a little late…before we leave though, how about a quick game before we leave?”

 

toni ends up supervising a game of never have i ever that ends up being more for her benefit than the kids: it helps her get a bit more insight on their lives while also allowing them to be entertained and to help them loosen up from the tension of the session. 

 

she finds herself smiling at the memory of how she had helped cheryl come down from her session by asking her what her favorite color was, and she finds herself craving the company of her girlfriend with each passing minute. she just wants to rush home and cuddle up with the love of her life…

 

the kids are more than happy and relaxed from an intense session by the time they’re walking out of the door, and as toni’s packing the chairs back into the corner of the room, she sees two of the boys from the group play fight, laughing at the top of their lungs before the taller one is ruffling the younger one’s head.

 

toni feels tears spring to her eyes, a memory of a long time ago of two very similar boys doing the same as she exhales shakily and finishes packing up the chairs. 

 

_would they be proud of me?_

 

no question, but sweet pea would probably tease her endlessly for it…

 

she doesn’t end up leaving for another half an hour, and she shoots a quick text message to cheryl to let her know she’ll be a little late as she sets to work packing her files into her bag so she can fill them out later on tonight on her new kids.

 

she makes her way to her bike, hears some of the kids hanging around still call out to her, and she raises a hand and waves goodbye with a chuckle before jumping onto her bike and revving it to life. she reaches for her helmet, and just as she’s about to take off, one of the kids, marcus, runs up to her, coming to a stop by her side with a breathless pant.

 

“miss topaz! i just wanted to say…thanks for seeing us. your sessions, they really help.” he says with a smile, and toni simply smiles back and reaches out to grip his bicep, giving it a reassuring squeeze. 

 

“you’re more than welcome, marcus. i’ll see you next week, okay?” 

 

“okay! thanks again, miss topaz!” he yells out as he backtracks, making his way towards the other kids from the meeting, all of them laughing and playing around with each other as toni blinks back tears and shoves her helmet on with a clear of her throat.

 

this is why she’s doing this, why she’s sacrificing hours of her life to these kids, to give them someone to talk to…so they can do what she couldn’t: create a family without it devolving into chaos and death. without it resulting in loss and grief and pain, god, so much pain…she wants those kids to have a chance at life, and the fact that she’s giving them this opportunity…it makes her feel like what she’s doing is worthwhile. 

 

she drives straight home, her smile only growing the closer she gets before she’s finally pulling up into the driveway with a roar of her bike. she notices cheryl’s car missing from the driveway, and she frowns and pulls her helmet off, resting it on the handle of her bike and making her way inside while twirling her keys in her fingers with a whistle. she looks up at her vacation home turned actual home with a slight grin.

 

she’s spent the last year making this house a home with cheryl blossom, has spent the last year moving past all the chaos and despair that they went through thanks to clifford blossom, and toni likes to think they’ve done okay so far.

 

of course, there’s still nights where they both wake up with nightmares, but they manage to get through it together, comforting and holding one another, and toni knows that they won’t likely ever fully heal from the trauma, but she’s at least glad she has cheryl by her side through it all…

 

as soon as she has the door open, she’s calling out cheryl’s name, and when she’s greeted with only silence, toni’s worry deepens, like it always does when she doesn’t hear from her girlfriend for extended periods of time.

 

“cheryl?” she calls out again, reaching for her phone in her back pocket and making her way over to the kitchen-

 

there’s a note scrawled on the fridge, and toni steps forward before she’s rolling her eyes, her shoulders immediately relaxing at the familiar sight of cheryl’s handwriting.

 

_“burnt the food, getting takeout. be back soon!”_

 

toni laughs softly, finally pulls her phone out of her back pocket and looks down to see a message from cheryl as well, one that reads the same message as the one on the fridge, and toni chastises herself almost immediately for worrying so quickly.

 

she just can’t help it. after everything they’ve been through, it’s hard not to worry…

 

**baby <3**   
_i fucked up the cooking, so i’m gonna get takeout. if i’m not home when you are, i’ll be home soon! love you! xo_

 

toni smiles and simply makes her way up the stairs to get changed into more comfortable clothing. 

 

she’s halfway up the stairs when she finds herself halting slightly, and the resolution is quickly made in her mind before she continues her journey up the stairs and goes into her bedroom, goes towards her closet just like she originally planned.

 

except, instead of grabbing pajamas and clothes to hop into the shower, she reaches for the box hidden in the corner, unable to stop herself from inhaling sharply as she drags the box out of her closet and hoists it up into her arms before dropping it onto her bed with a huff. 

 

she hesitates, sitting down beside the box and simply staring at it for a long time, pursing her lips, tears welling in her eyes before she finally decides to bite the bullet and opens the box.

 

it’s been so long since she did this…

 

it’s dusty, of course, because toni hasn’t opened it in over a year, and she coughs and drops the lid of the box onto the ground before she looks into it with a deep sigh and a slight smile.

 

her eyes water almost immediately at the many photos in there, her eyes landing almost immediately on the one of her with sweet pea and fangs, her arms thrown around the both of them and the laughter so evident on her face…

 

she stares at it for god knows how long before she finally reaches out, grips the photo and simply holds it in her hands before she’s reaching into the box once more with a racing heart.

 

her fingers gripping an old, tattered leather jacket. 

 

toni swallows the lump in her throat, lets her tears fall as she grips the jacket in her hands and pulls it out, eyes landing on the neon green serpent stitched into the leather at the back…

 

_the southside serpents._

 

toni smiles, sniffs back tears and licks her lips before her fingers brush over the stitching, eyes taking in the faded color…god, she hasn’t even so much as _looked_ at this jacket in so long, just looking at it now…

 

yes, this jacket brought her a lot of misery, but it also brought her a family. sweet pea and fangs were like brothers to her, protected her just as much as she protected them, and fuck, there’s not a day that goes by where toni doesn’t think about how _different_ things would have been if malachai had never formed the ghoulies…if they had never found enemies in the rival gang…

 

toni pulls the jacket out of the box and holds it to her chest, and when she breathes in and inhales the scent of leather and an old perfume she used to wear in high school, as well as something else that she can’t quite put her finger on…

 

_sweet pea…it’s that goddamn cologne he stole from the mall that night we got our tattoos…_

 

tears fall before she can stop them, and toni hugs the jacket to her chest and buries her nose into the collar, breathing in the smell and sighing as she thinks of her two best friends turned brothers, and fuck, how much she misses them…

 

those kids…they’re like a family now, aren’t they? they seem to be, they definitely were acting like one as toni was leaving the rec center…that’s a good thing, of course it is, toni wants them to feel united, because the whole reason she started the serpents is because she, sweet pea, fangs, and all the other kids from southside high _needed_ a family. they were all from broken homes, toni wanted to give them something they could hold onto-

 

“toni?” 

 

she jumps at the sound of her name, but a smile instantly lights up her face at the sound of that familiar voice before she clears her throat and calls out.

 

“up here!” she shouts. she hears the sound of heels clacking on the floor not much longer later, and toni licks her lips and goes to put her jacket back into the box, but suddenly stops.

 

cheryl’s never seen her southside serpent jacket…

 

she hears a soft knock on the door before the sound of it swinging open echoes out, and toni looks up just as cheryl ducks her head in with a frown, looking at her sitting on the bed in slight confusion and worry as she slowly steps into their room.

 

“hey…you okay?” she asks softly, making her way inside and towards her. toni inhales shakily before she holds the jacket up for cheryl to see.

 

the redhead’s eyes widen in surprise, chocolate brown eyes taking in the green serpent stitched on the back of the jacket before she bites down on her bottom lip and looks at toni with a sad smile.

 

“found it in storage?” she croaks out.

 

“went looking for it, actually.” toni says back hoarsely. cheryl frowns and makes her way over to toni slowly, plopping down beside her and reaching out to touch the jacket before she pauses and looks at toni cautiously.

 

“may i?” she asks. toni’s heart swells at the fact that cheryl is asking for permission, showing her respect to the friends toni had lost as the pink haired girl nods once and actually hands the jacket to cheryl with a smile. cheryl stares down at it for a while, taking it in with each passing second before she looks up at toni and bites down on her bottom lip in hesitation.

 

"i remember seeing some of the kids from the southside at pop's sometimes, these jackets on their backs...i was always so terrified of them." she says with a chuckle, prompting toni to laugh and wonder just how they could've missed each other...

 

she'd been to pop's a couple of times in her youth, and yet, she's quite sure she would've remembered seeing cheryl blossom there...

 

_you just weren't meant to meet until you were ready for each other, toni..._

 

“why were you looking for it?” cheryl whispers suddenly. toni swallows thickly, tries to dispel her tears by blinking rapidly before she slowly nods. 

 

“the kids at the rec center…they’re like a little family now. they’re all united and they’re all fighting to keep each other safe…but they’re doing it the safe way, the way i should’ve done it way back when…i guess it just makes me wonder how _different_ things would be if i never formed the serpents in the first place.” toni mutters, picking at the blankets folded on the end of the bed before cheryl reaches out and grip her hand tightly.

 

“well…for starter’s, we wouldn’t be together…because you never would’ve become a therapist and we never would’ve met.” cheryl teases. toni rolls her eyes with a chuckle and shakes her head.

 

“oh no, we would’ve met eventually, cheryl blossom. you and i are fated, of that i’m sure.” toni murmurs. cheryl’s teasing expression turns into one of adoration, a smile lighting up her face before she leans in to press a kiss to toni’s temple tenderly. 

 

“i feel the same way." she whispers back. toni smiles and leans into her touch.

 

"but yeah...i don't think i would've become a therapist, to be honest. it's not something i wanted to do for a career...after that night with the ghoulies, all i could think about was how much i wanted to help people." 

 

"and you have, toni. god knows you have. and as for the kids being united…it’s a good thing. they’ve had it rough, for them to feel like they have someone they can talk to, in you and the other kids from the group, it gives them someone to rely on, someone to trust. and maybe they’re not forming a gang, but they got the idea from somewhere, toni…” cheryl says simply. toni licks her lips, looking up at cheryl in surprise and what she’s implying. 

 

she’s right…god, she’s right…they could rely on each other now, too, to keep each other safe...

 

_just like we did..._

 

“maybe i did something good with the serpents after all.” toni whispers. cheryl smiles, leans in and kisses her on the corner of her mouth with a small nod.

 

“mmm…i think you did.” cheryl mutters. toni can’t help but grin widely, and she throws her arms around cheryl’s shoulders and pushes her down onto the bed, kissing her deeply as she does while cheryl laughs against her and brushes her fingers underneath toni’s shirt to touch her heated skin beneath. 

 

“how was work?” toni whispers against her lips, trailing them down her jawline to her neck as cheryl arches up into her touch with a shaky sigh.

 

“good…i have a showing in new york next week.” 

 

toni pulls back and looks down at her in surprise, propping herself up onto her hands and staring down at cheryl with a grin.

 

“really?! at one of the galleries?” toni exclaims. cheryl laughs and nods once, scratching her nails up and down toni’s spine as her girlfriend straddles her waist and sits down on her thighs with a squeal and a clap of her hands. 

 

“yeah…guess which one?” cheryl says playfully. toni raises an eyebrow before it hits her after a few moments, and she gasps and looks down at cheryl.

 

“the one we had our first date at?”

 

“yup.” cheryl says with a grin. toni cheers again before she bends down and kisses cheryl fiercely, pattering kisses over her face while cheryl laughs and attempts to shove her off. 

 

“i’m-so-fucking-happy-and-proud-.”

 

“okay, okay! i get it! but thank you!” cheryl grins, returning the kiss to the corner of her mouth as toni kisses her neck tenderly. 

 

“that’s great, baby! you've been working on these pieces for weeks, i can't wait for the world to see them! and we can go and visit archie and josie too, we can make it a little weekend getaway!” 

 

“mmm, sounds good…archie and josie have been begging us to come down for a visit for weeks now, and with how busy work has been for us both...yeah, we could use a weekend getaway.” cheryl says softly. toni hums against her skin, her sad mood instantly forgotten in the presence of her soulmate, because that's just how it always goes for these two.

 

they make each other _happy._

 

it’s quiet for a few moments, the both of them just basking in each other’s company as cheryl trails her fingertips down toni’s nose, over her lips, her brows, her cheekbones, drinking in absolutely everything about her…

 

“i’m so in love with you.” cheryl whispers suddenly. toni can’t help but smile as well, her thumb moving to brush over cheryl’s brow before she leans down to kiss it affectionately. 

 

“do you ever think about all the shit we’ve been through for the last two years and wonder how the hell we survived it all?” toni asks her genuinely. cheryl scoffs, licks her lips and shakes her head in disbelief before she suddenly grips toni’s thighs to keep her steady as she sits up slowly until toni is essentially sitting in her lap. 

 

“i try not to think about it…it just makes me upset. i don’t understand how we started how we did and ended up here.” cheryl murmurs. toni purses her lips, rests her hands on cheryl’s shoulders to steady herself as cheryl runs her hands up and down her sides. 

 

“part of me still can’t believe this started with me being your therapist…” toni grumbles. cheryl laughs softly, kisses the corner of her mouth and nods against her.

 

“those therapy sessions were the only thing getting me through everything, toni…being engaged to archie, god, as much as i love him, it was _killing_ me inside. to think that if i never met you, i would’ve married him and wasted my whole life in a relationship i wasn’t happy with…and god, if i married archie, we probably both would’ve ended up in jail, especially if my father got his way and pinned the entire drug operation front on us.” cheryl sighs, shaking her head in disbelief that her own _father_ was ready to see her suffer in jail for _his_ crime…

 

“that man was truly despicable…” toni mutters.

 

“and he got his karma, good riddance. i have no doubt he’s rotting in hell for everything he’s done.” cheryl says firmly. toni sighs, knows that talking about her father tends to drain cheryl more than anything, so she tucks her thumbs under cheryl’s jaw to lift her gaze before she’s kissing her on the lips slowly. 

 

cheryl wraps her arms around her waist and pulls her closer, any thoughts of her father and what he’s done to her erased with the feeling of toni topaz in her arms. 

 

“i’m sorry, i know you don’t like talking about it…” 

 

“it happened, toni, as much as i hate it, it’s part of my past…and our history…” cheryl sighs. toni sinks into her touch, hugs her close almost tiredly at the thought of all the stuff they’ve had to endure.

 

“i wish it wasn’t…”

 

“mmm…me, too.” 

 

cheryl suddenly sinks down into the bed and pulls toni down on top of her, holding her close to her chest while toni presses a kiss to her collarbone with a sigh. 

 

“do you think you’ll book an appointment with veronica while we’re in new york?” toni asks after a few moments. cheryl tightens her hold on toni, gives her a squeeze before she nods without hesitation.

 

“yeah, definitely. i need a new prescription for my medication from her…and you? do you think you’ll book an appointment with the therapist you saw last time we went?” cheryl asks. toni hesitates, but only for the briefest moment, because it’s hard for her to accept that it’s something she needs…but it is.

 

it hasn't been easy, getting over the trauma of the court case and the beating she suffered thanks to clifford blossom. there's still nights where toni can't sleep because she's terrified she'll wake up to two men hovering over her bed with their fists raised...but it's hard for to admit that she needs help, even though her profession in all about helping those that do...

 

“yeah, i will…she was really great the last time i saw her. didn’t get mad at me when i criticized her therapy skills like the last one did.”

 

“yeah, you probably shouldn’t do that again.” cheryl says with a laugh. toni grins, kisses her jawline before she cuddles in closer to cheryl just in an effort to get as close to her as possible.

 

she just needs her close...that's all she needs to feel better, really...

 

cheryl begins playing with her hair, fiddling with the quite dead ends of her pink strands before she ducks her head down to kiss the top of toni’s.

 

“we’re gonna get through this, right, toni?” she whispers after a few moments.

 

and toni, despite everything they’ve been through, pushes herself up and stares down at her girlfriend before nodding her head without hesitation.

 

“of course we are, cher. if we can get through professional obstacles and crazy fathers, we can get through ptsd and trauma issues. you and i…we’re made for each other, nothing's more real or clear to me than that.” 

 

cheryl suddenly blinks rapidly, tears welling in her eyes as she swallows thickly while continuing to play with toni’s hair in an effort to distract herself.

 

“okay…okay, yeah g-good, because i d-don’t think i can really survive w-without you anymore-.” 

 

toni silences her with a kiss.

 

“shh…i’m by your side, cheryl blossom. from now to the end of my days, i promise.” toni whispers against her lips. cheryl tucks her hair behind her ears, stares into her eyes and pecks a kiss to her lips.

 

“how did i get so lucky for you to choose me?” cheryl asks with a whisper, looking into toni’s eyes, pondering just how toni has stuck by her side for everything they’ve been through, everything her father has put her through, fuck…

 

her father did everything fucking possible to destroy her, to destroy the both of them and everything they had and yet...

 

toni is still fucking _here_ , god, how is that possible-

 

“i ask myself the same thing every single day.” toni whispers back. cheryl scoffs in disbelief before she can stop herself, but toni kisses her insecurities away, lips moving languidly against each other’s before cheryl blurts out the first thing that enters her mind.

 

and it’s the most truthful words she thinks she’s ever spoken in her life.

 

“you’re the love of my life, toni topaz. and i will love you until the day my heart stops beating.” 

 

cheryl lets her tears fall down the sides of her face and into her hair, and she isn’t at all surprised when toni smiles with tears in her own eyes before she takes cheryl’s face into her hands and kisses her softly.

 

“i’m gonna marry you one day, cheryl blossom. once everything’s settled down for us…i’m gonna marry you and spend the rest of my life with you.” she promises firmly. cheryl’s eyes widen, her heart beating crazily in her chest as she looks at toni in surprise. 

 

“did you technically just propose to me?” she breathes. toni chuckles and cocks an eyebrow with amusement.

 

“mmm, no, i have big plans for that day. but also…technically, yes.” 

 

fuck...fuck, toni waiting at the end of the isle with a white dress on, the both of them with golden bands on their fingers, fuck...

 

toni growing old...grey peppering her hair, wrinkles gathering on her skin, but that smile still as intoxicating as it is today...

 

cheryl's quite sure she's never wanted something _more._

 

“okay, so if it’s a technical proposal…where’s my ring?” cheryl teases. toni simply rolls her eyes and kisses her.

 

“i think you should technically shut up.”

 

“i think you should technically kiss me.” cheryl bites back, and before toni can respond, cheryl all but attacks her, jumping on top of her with a growl and kissing her fiercely as she pink haired girl squeals with delight and laughter.

 

and it’s crazy to her, that despite everything they’ve been through, they’ve somehow managed to get here. a home together, with jobs that make them happy, and a family that keeps them safe and loves them just as much as they do. 

 

god, who would’ve thought standing outside that candy red apple door would result in all of this? 

 

if she could go back in time and tell that little five year old version of herself that she’d grow up to find her way, that her ocd would one day become a non-issue, that medication would no longer be such a scary thing, and that her family…her family would no longer be a part of her life, well…she’s quite sure her five year old self would panic, but her twenty five year old self?

 

she’s never felt more confident in her life. 

 

and yes, that getting here was no easy task, and that getting here took a lot of sacrificing and a lot of pain, but in the process, she buried the version of herself that was dug so deep into obeying the rules, dug so deep into how society wanted her to be, and instead, has bloomed into this version of herself that she can be proud of. a version of herself that can touch and kiss her girlfriend without feeling guilty...a version of herself that can walk down the street holding her hand without fear of the consequences, despite how ever present those consequences still are.

 

this version of herself is the best version of herself. and toni topaz is the one who helped make that happen.

 

“toni?” she whispers against her neck, pulling back to look the pink haired girl in the eyes as she tells her the two words that hold so much more meaning than anything else cheryl can think of.

 

“thank you.” she breathes. toni’s brow furrows before she chuckles and raises it in confusion.

 

“for what?” she asks. cheryl smiles, brushes the back of her fingers across toni’s left cheekbone…

 

“for saving my life.” cheryl says softly.

 

and toni topaz smiles with tears in her eyes before she leans up to kiss cheryl’s lips softly, taking in each moment that their lips move against each other as if it’s their last, even though now…

 

now they’re free to be as happy as they want to be.

 

“thank you for saving mine.” 

 

and god, is it a good feeling to know the truth behind that...that they’re finally free. from restrictions and family and relationships and all that other bullshit…

 

they’re finally free to be themselves. finally free to be together without fear, without worry of who could hurt them, or who would even want to. 

 

and cheryl finds herself laughing as she rolls around on top of their bed with her fingers reaching for the buttons of toni’s flannel shirt to take it off with her lips glued to toni’s skin, that there’s so much for her to mourn, and so much for her to grieve, but more than anything…there’s so much for her to be happy about. because she has toni, and she has her friends, and yes, she’s lost her family, but she gained a new one. 

 

and truthfully, that’s all that really matters. 

 

oh, and, well, she guesses, another thing she’s kind of discovered…

 

candy apple red is her new favorite color.

 

well…that and pastel pink.


End file.
